The Universe of Bilby

When I said regular service would resume shortly...

2011-04-03T22:43:00.002+08:00

...I was lying. Obviously. Sorry guys, but I got distracted. I did write more, but now I have to focus on university stuff for the next 2 months.

Then I'll post something new!

Regular Service will Resume Shortly

2010-11-03T18:28:00.003+08:00

Dear faithful readers,

Never fear! Though I may have been neglecting this blog since May that will change soon, as I am working on a new serial for your reading pleasure. It is called "The Investigation" and is planned to be only a few parts in length but very interesting nonetheless. It will expand a little bit more on Guy 1's mysterious background and see Guy 2 take measures to try and discover shocking truths... horrifying truths... though he might fail, who knows? Find out soon when I start updating. (Uni is pretty much over, but I have a few assignments left and an exam near the end of November so you won't get Part 1 until at least a week and a half from now).

Here is an extract from it! Just to keep you all happy!

Part One:

Guy 2 walked into the large shopping centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.

Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?

Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come from?

Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...

Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though, because I was never really told... we should ask someone.

Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by grabbing their shoulder.

Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.

The person stared at them, judged them by their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a joke and walked away without saying a word.

Guy 1: That person just doesn’t understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know... French? Because-

Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and movies.

Guy 1: Cool.

Guy 2 walked in the direction of the nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.

Guy 1: I am following you.

Guy 2: I noticed.

Guy 1: I have not much to do today...

To be continued...

There? Are you happy now? No? Oh, I'm sorry... please... please don't cry... no, I don't think you're fat. Here, have some anti-depressants.

Now let's hope I pass that ONE exam!

The Holiday Prt 11

2010-05-14T17:15:00.001+08:00

There was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed. Guy 1 grabbed onto Sally and held her tightly in fear. Everything went incredibly quiet. Everyone looked around. Nothing happened. Guy 1 let go of Sally. Still nothing happened. No ravenous monster or animal came out from the darkness to kill.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I don’t know...

Guy 2: Nothing has happened...

Sally: I know...

Guy 2: That was really anticlimactic.

Sally: It was a bit yeah.

Guy 2: I’m disappointed in whatever it was.

Guy 1: So am I. It set itself up for being seriously scary and then lulled and now the fear is gone. It cannot compete with Gary at all.

Sally: I don’t think that was the intent of the wild animal.

Guy 2: Oh! Perhaps it’s just lulling is into a false sense of security before striking?

Guy 1: Well we’re pretty secure... but let’s wait anyway just in case.

Everyone was perfectly still waiting to see if they would be dragged into the night screaming by some horrid foul creature. Nothing happened for quite some time.

Guy 2: I am feeling very lulled. Isn’t that right?

Guy 1: Yes, I too am feeling very lulled. I am very secure right now in this dark forest. I am glad that I am safe.

Sally: What?

Guy 2: (Quietly) we’re making it know that it has succeeded in lulling us into a false sense of security to lure it out...

Still nothing happens as they all pause.

Guy 1: Absolute disappointment.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 1: I can’t believe our ploy didn’t work!

Guy 2: Yeah, it seemed so foolproof.

Sally: Sigh. So who wants to tell a story next? How about you Wizard?

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: We all know this!

Wizard: I’m a wizard you know.

Guy 2: Yes. We do know.

Wizard: I do wizard things.

Before Guy 2 could yell at the Wizard, Sally asked him a question.

Sally: Do you have an interesting story to do with those wizard things?

Wizard: Not really. It’s mostly accounting.

Guy 2: Being a wizard involves accounting?

Wizard: I can do magic with numbers. I’m a magicmatician.

Guy 2: You are so lame. I bet nothing this terrible has happened to anyone else who decided to take a holiday in Charleston...

Cut to: The Bus Driver. He knocks on a dilapidated old house.

Bus Driver: OK surely this house will have someone who can help me...

The door sways open by itself and the Bus Driver walks in.

Bus Driver: Hello? Anyone?

He readies his machine gun and points aimlessly around the room even though it’s too dark to see. There’s a rustling of thousands of little feet accompanied by something large and thudding. The Bus Driver looks around frantically, his sense of direction now lost.

Bus Driver: Who is there!?

Something grabs him in the dark. There is a loud screeching noise and suddenly everything goes quiet.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2: Everything bad happens to me...

Sally: Aww, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, you met me!

Guy 2: That has so far been a bonus.

Guy 1: And don’t forget you have me to thank for it!

Guy 2: Oh yeah... you. Yay.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: Thanks Gary.

Sally: Well who else has a story?

Guy 2: I suppose I could tell one.

Sally: Oh please do Mr. Watzisname.

Guy 2: What? Oh never mind. OK. Well one day I was driving along and I went to go round a corner, so I indicated.

Guy 1: I love this story so far.

Guy 2: Shush you. Right, well my indicator stuck yeah so after I had gone round the corner and continued on. But I was constantly indicating right, by the way, we drive on the left in Australia, so when I got onto a double lane road everyone thought I was trying to get into the right lane when I wanted to stay in the left. Hahahaha! Everyone got so annoyed!

Sally: That was... interesting... yeah...

Guy 1: Cool...

Gary: (click).

Sally: Hmm. So, how about you?

Guy 1: Oh I don’t have a story to tell.

Sally: Sure you do.

Guy 1: Yeah, but... I’m tired now...

Guy 2: So I am. Let’s all go to sleep.

Gary: (click)

Wizard: I agree with what Gary just clicked. It was concise but elegant.

Sally: OK I guess it’s been dark for quite some time now. So shall we all sleep, with one of us to stay and feed wood to the fire?

Everyone at once: Yes. Bags not staying up.

Everyone besides Sally instantly lied down and fell asleep.

Sally: Thanks guys... leave me to feed the fire. Typical.

Many hours later that night, Guy 1 stirred from his sleep, with the assistance of Sally poking his face with a stick. It was very effective at helping the process come along quickly.

Guy 1: Ugh... why has the forest come alive and started poking me? Have I angered it?

Sally: Haha. No it’s just me silly. Come on; stay up with me for a while before I go to sleep.

Guy 1: What time is it?

Sally: Midnight... ish.

Guy 1: Mmm. You know, right now it’s midday in Australia.

Sally: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 1: Which makes me wonder why I’m not jet lagged right now... That’s odd. Anyway... Good... morning.

Sally: Good morning. So... the ground’s not too uncomfortable is it?

Guy 1: Oh no. It’s quite alright. Feel it.

Sally: I’m fine thanks haha. But thanks for offering.

Guy 1: Do you think I’ll get sued by mother Earth if I caress the earth for a bit? You know America is full of weird litigation cases like that.

Sally: You really like this ground don’t you?

Guy 1: Yeah. It’s much mulchier feeling... You don’t get much of that where I come from; it doesn’t rain often enough to get lots of plant matter to make the ground like this. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle it back to my country?

Sally: Probably not.

Guy 1 scuttled over to sit next to Sally. They looked up at the stars.

Guy 1: Aliens...

Sally: Hmm?

Guy 1: Aliens.

Guy 1 pointed to the sky.

Guy 1: They’re bound to be out there, right? Sometimes I look up with my binoculars and search for them. They’re not where I can see them, but I figure that’s because there’s a lot that I don’t see... (long pause) Maybe I need a bigger pair of binoculars.

Sally: Haha. Maybe. You know what I love about the country? You can see so much more stars than you can in cities. Light pollution sucks.

Guy 1: I agree.

They looked up at the sky, watching the constellations and talking about how much they enjoyed light and the many things it allowed them to see. Guy 1 at one point nearly though he had seen a UFO but it was only a shooting star. You see I *could* talk about their conversations that they had into the night but quite frankly that’d not be that interesting. Instead...

The next morning Gary, Guy 2 and Wizard awoke to see Sally leaning on Guy 1’s shoulder fast asleep. Guy 2 walked over to them and changed the brightness settings on his phone to max. He shined it in Guy 2’s face.

Guy 2: TRUCK!

Guy 1: AGGGHHH!!

Wizard: AGGGHHH!!

Guy 1: LIGHT POLLUTION! Whoa hey. Why are you showing me your phone? Oh, you’ve got a message.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 2 looked at his phone. He did indeed have a message. He checked it.

Message: Hello valued customer! We’d just like to inform you that your roaming area has increased by %20 due to our harsh and ruthless deforestation of natural environments to build telecommunications towers! Remember, don’t let the hippy propaganda get in the way of text messaging!

Guy 2: AWESOME! Hey guys! We now have phone reception in the woods! We’re saved!

Sally stirred from her slumber.

Guy 2: Sally! Good news! Deforestation has saved us!

Sally: What? That’s horrible!

Guy 2: No it’s not you hippy propagandist. Now, what do I dial to get us rescued?

Sally: 991.

Guy 2: Really? That’s such a stupid number. Are you sure that’s right? Wizard?

Wizard: I’m not sure either... Perhaps you should look up Wikipedia.

Guy 2: Oh right yeah. OK hang on a sec.

Sally: Just trust me it’s 991!

Guy 2: Yeah, but I’m just double checking OK? Don’t want to be wrong about these things... Stupid phone internet takes so long to load...

Sally: Wait, your phone is fancy enough to have internet access?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: Well surely it’d also be equipped with some kind of GPS like function right?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: You got lost in the woods... and you didn’t bother to check your GPS?

Guy 2: Hmm... Yeah, I can see that I may have made a mistake and that perhaps I should’ve considered the possibility of using said GPS system before I got too lost.

Sally: So we didn’t have to risk dying of cold in the woods looking for you?

Guy 2: Mmmmm yeah I guess.

Sally: Right. So what are you going to do now?

Guy 2: Um... check Wikipedia?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: What? Oh! Right yes, the GPS. Haha sorry... awkward. (Looking at his phone) OK, yeah OK... mmm... come on... OK... yeah... OK. OK. Yeah. OK. According to this we are currently in... a wood.

Sally: Yes. I can see this.

Wizard: I can too! TREES! TREES WITH LEAVES!

Sally: Which way do we go to get out of the wood?

Guy 2: Um, left! Yes. OK we just head off in that direction and we’ll be free!

Wizard: FREEDOM!!!!

The Wizard ran in the direction that Guy 2 had pointed.

Sally: Damn, that Wizard is messed up.

Guy 1: Onward!

They followed The Wizard off into the trees. After an hour of trekking through the foliage and tree trunks they emerged onto a street that led on into town. Guy 2 collapsed to his knees and closed his eyes.

Guy 2: Ughh...

Sally: What?

Guy 2: You know, I’ve been told I’m going to have my legs broken, been accused of being a terrorist twice, being beaten up, mugged, nearly killed in a drag race and subsequent explosion, lost all my luggage, had my accommodation burn down before I even got to raid the minibar and gotten completely lost and spent a night in a scary wood in a foreign land all in the past day and a half!

Guy 1: And we’ve still got 13 days left of this vacation!

Guy 2 opened his eyes.

Guy 2: Oh no... Please no! This past day and a half felt like it lasted over a year! I can barely remember when I was having a nice relaxing shower, trying not to fear the soap that had made it’s way into my bathroom.

Guy 1: Oh pish posh. This holiday is flying by so quickly! How interesting it’s going to be! I wonder what adventures we’re going to have the next 13 days!

Guy 2: I never want to go on vacation with you again...

Guy 1: Come on; let’s go to Sally’s home.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 1: You said it! We do need showers!

Sally: Up you get.

Sally dragged Guy 2 to his feet.

Sally: I know the way home from here.

And so they went back to Sally’s house where they showered and cleaned themselves, especially their teeth. Afterwards they spent the day relaxing watching TV. The next few days went by smoothly; Guy 1 and Sally returned to trying and make their pizza juice business work out and Guy 2 and Gary went back to playing video games instead of admiring nature. You see, those next few days were not very climactic. They didn’t get into any major adventures at all. Not too interesting huh? Oh well.

It was the last day of their holiday and they were at the airport.

Sally: I’ll miss you guys.

Guy 1: I’ll miss you too.

Sally: Be sure to write to me sometime. What’s your address?

Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s um, 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Sally: Awesome.

Sally hugged Guy 1.

Sally: You’re brilliant, you know this right?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: This isn’t the end you know. It never is. We’re probably destined to meet again someday.

Guy 1: I look forward to it. I... I...

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Think you’re... brilliant too.

Sally’s smile widened.

Sally: You’re sweet.

Guy 1: You haven’t tasted me yet...

Sally: Well then, I’ll just have to get some evidence to back up my statement.

Sally kissed Guy 1 on the forehead. Guy 1’s face went red.

Sally: Told you so. Hahahaha! Your face is so red!

Guy 1: Yeah well-

Guy 2 grabbed Guy 2 by the collar.

Guy 2: Come on! We’re going to be late for the flight! I don’t want anyone to think that we’re terrorists again.

Just at that point a passing nun heard only the words “we’re terrorists again” and turned to Guy 2 and screamed.

Nun: TERRORIST RESURGENCE!

Guy 2: Oh not again!

Guy 2 quickly ran off towards the boarding gate as the Nun charged at him waving her Bible at him. Guy 1 ran after him.

Guy 1: Goodbye Sally!

Sally: Goodbye!

The Guys made it to the plane and showed their tickets to get on just in time to escape the crazed nun. They sat down in their seats next to each other and waited for the plane to take off.

Guy 2: That was close...

Guy 1: Yeah...

The plane took off. Hours later it landed in Australia and Guy 1 and 2 were soon back at Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: Ah! It’s good to be home!

He paused and looked around.

Guy 2: Hmm...

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: Oh nothing, just... it seems like there’s meant to be some feeling of closure around now.

Guy 1: What do you mean?

Guy 2: I’m not sure. Oh well... I guess I’ll just uhh... sit down and read a book. Bye now.

Guy 1: Yeah, bye.

Guy 1 left.

Guy 2 sat and tried to read the latest Mathew Reilly book but for some reason things just didn’t seem right. He made himself dinner and after he finished his meal he still felt as if something wasn’t right. The next day still didn’t seem right, as if something was missing or something was meant to have happened. The next day Guy 1 came round again.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: What up?

Guy 2: I keep thinking I’m missing something... like I’ve forgotten something really important that’s preventing me from feeling like this chapter of my life is over. I don’t know what it is...

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: It’s um... um... oh why? Why? Why did... we... go on a holiday just then?

Guy 1: Oh right! Because I borrowed money from a loan shark in your name and you had to escape the country to stop yourself from being mutilated by gangsters!

Guy 2: Oh yeah! That’s right... OH S***! WHAT!? I’m going to be BEATEN BECAUSE OF YOU UNLESS I GET FIVE GRAND! I don’t have five grand!

Guy 1: Calm down! Calm down!

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because yelling hurts my sensitive ears!

Guy 2: THAT’S NOT A GOOD REASON!

Suddenly, a letter slid through the post slit in the door. They turned and picked it up and opened it.

Guy 1: It’s from Sally!

Guy 2: Thank you for the exposition, but I am capable of reading.

Guy 1: Just... saying. Just in case you didn’t know.

Guy 2: Right. Anyway...

They read the letter.

Hey guys!

Hope you’re all well! I’m just writing to you to inform you that just after you left my Dad took a real shine to our Pizza Juice stall and so he got in contact with his old business friend from when he visited the Falkland Islands (I never knew he went there, or when. Weird hey?) and he decided that it was a viable business option! Now Pizza Juice is a registered trademark of the Lindum Corporation and it’s making lots of money already! Can you believe that? Soon it’ll probably be in stores over there too! Well, since it was your idea here’s your half of the money. Enclosed is a cheque for 5 thousand dollars (Australian as I thought you’d not be too good with the stock exchange and all those tricky numbers).

Love, Sally.

Guy 1: Oh cool, I have five grand now.

Guy 2: Dude... Give me the money.

Guy 1: What? But it was my pizza juice!

Guy 2: Dude! You owe me that money! If I don’t get it, I’m going to have my legs broken and it’ll be all your fault!

Guy 1 sighed. He passed over the cheque.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2: Thank you! Now never do that again you understand?

Guy 1: Never give you lots of money? OK.

Guy 2: No I meant never loan money in my name from a loan shark! EVER!

Guy 1: Well I can hardly give him my name!

Guy 2: Whatever! Now, tell me how to pay this guy back...

And that was the conclusion to that exciting adventure of Guy 1 and 2. Guy 2 managed to successfully pay off his debts and didn’t get beaten up. Life continued on as normal as it possibly could with Guy 1 nearby. And so there’s nothing else to say but The En-

Cameraman: Terrible!

What?

Cameraman: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t like this story at all! It took far too long to write and I only had a very minor cameo!

What?

Cameraman: You heard me narrator. I’m meant to be a main character, a provider of sage wisdom and HD quality image playback! And that final bit where the 13 days go by quickly with nothing happening? You’re so lazy! You could’ve turned this into a Lord of the Rings like epic comedy! But no- No you’re just SO HANDSOME AND WELL HUNG! YES! I LOVE THE NARRATOR/AUTHOR! HE’S SEXY! No I didn’t say that! Stop editing what I s- SEX IS FUN! Fine! Fine! Say it! It’s about time that this thing concludes.

The End.

Anniversary

2010-03-26T14:41:00.002+08:00

"One year? Has it been a year already?" Said the Author as he took another bite into a ham and cheese sandwich. "Doesn't seem like it." The year had flown by, and the actual amount of writing done for the sole purpose of this blog only reached 100 pages, with all other things on it being written previously. Still, a year later The Holiday had yet to be finished. Back when it started it flowed so nicely but now it's just a matter of trying to think of enough jokes to make it funny between where it is and the ending. The ending was all thought out, though only since around part 6.
"It'll take me forever to really develop my ideas at this rate." It was disappointing, the conclusion was meant to have been reached by part 10, but then there was the realisation that it just couldn't fit. "Part 12" he thought to himself, "That'll probably be about when it ends... It'll be a very long finale, they always are."
He paused, and got a drink. Typing happens slowly and with breaks between sentences as he gets constantly distracted by the things around him. Focus, that's what he really needed. That, and organisation skills.
Staring at the pile of paper next to him the Author realises that somewhere under some piles of paper is probably something important, long forgotten that hadn't seen the light of day in ages. He still hadn't sent off that letter to Nintendo, or finished that sketch of an Allosaurus skeleton. Yet another story had been put on hold, this time an obscure and bizarre romance tail that completely screws with gender identity and the conventional idea of beauty, because of another fresher idea being developed and then University made writing it too hard.
"Creative Writing course next semester. That should be helpful."
Another year, is coming up and hopefully by then there'd be more to this than just one story and some filler. Thoughts of many ideas ran through the Authors head, perhaps the origin story? Perhaps, though we should probably get to know Guy 1 better first. Maybe the story of how Guy 1 and 2 met? Or time travel. "Guy 2 has a name, I should give him a name..."
Checking the clock the Author realises that he's spent the entire day not doing much again. It was time to go do some work, or at least play Far Cry.

The Holiday Prt 10

2010-03-10T12:04:00.002+08:00

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: You just said that!

Wizard: Yes well I am a Wizard you know.

Sally: What are you doing here Wizard?

Guy 1: You know the wizard?

Sally: Yeah. He’s a wizard.

Guy 1: That’s... that’s not a correlation!

Gary: (click)

Wizard: I was just out for a leisurely stroll when some squirrels offered me a shoe. I was suspicious of the squirrels at first but they tried to assure me it had obtained the shoe legitimately. You know me, I’m always a bit uncertain about accepting deals for footwear, especially ones with teeth marks, from woodland creatures so I declined his offer. Now I am here.

Sally: It’s a good thing you didn’t accept that offer from the squirrel Wizard, that shoe belongs to a friend of ours and that squirrel stole it from him.

Guy 1: Yes, and stealing is wrong.

Wizard: Where is your friend now?

Sally: He’s wandered off and now is lost in the woods.

Wizard: Then I shall help you find him! I’m a wizard you know.

Sally: Yes, yes I do.

Sally leads them the way that Gary had pointed out previously. The wizard trailed slightly behind far enough that Guy 1 could talk to Sally quietly without being heard.

Guy 1: You know the Wizard?

Sally: I already said yes.

Guy 1: Yes but... how?

Sally: Oh I just know him. He just pops up now and then.

Guy 1: Talking to woodland creatures? Can he really do that?

Sally: I don’t think so. But hey, some crazy people you just need to humour really. I don’t think he’s dangerous it’s just he probably will just keep talking about the squirrels until you agree with him. Just smile and nod. Oh, and whatever you do, when he says “I’m a wizard” don’t go “and I’m a troll!” or any other mythical creature. He goes crazy.

Guy 1: Does he turn green?

Sally: What? Oh, hahaha no. He’s not the hulk.

Guy 1: I was actually thinking Green Lantern but OK, good to know he also is not the hulk.

Sally: He is definitely not a famous comic book hero of any kind. Though one of my neighbour’s kids did have his own comic book series going for a while and did include the wizard in one issue.

Guy 1: How’d it go?

Sally: He’d just subdue everyone with lightning and then smoothly say “I’m a wizard” and all the girls would swoon for him.

Guy 1: If only that worked in real life.

Guy 1 looked off in the distance longingly, wishing that not only did it work but that he was a wizard as well. Oh the fun he’d have if only he had a foot long wand and a catchy catchphrase that turned on women. He randomly spoke midway through his thought.

Guy 1: It’d be so erotic.

Sally: It’d be what?

Guy 1: I said erotic.

Long pause.

Sally: What would?

Guy 1: Wands. In my... head... No I mean. I was thinking of... things. Wizardy things.

Wizard: (in the distance) I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: Thank you for informing me! Again!

Wizard: You’re very welcome!

Guy 1: I know I am. I am most welcome.

Wizard: I concur!

Sally: OK I can’t tell, is this a conversation entirely in sarcasm? Or are either both or either of you unable of understanding sarcasm so this is sincere? I’m not sure with you two.

Guy 1: I’m being sincere.

Wizard: So am I! I’m a wizard you know!

Guy 1: Not a correlation!

Gary: (click) (click!) (click!)

Gary banged his head against a nearby tree.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Sally: You’re right Gary; it’s soon to be dark. OK everyone lets pick up the pace! Hey, give me your phone.

Sally got hers out and adjusted the brightness setting. Guy 1 handed her his phone and did the same. She pointed them down at the ground.

Sally: Do those look like tracks to you?

The Wizard started climbing a tree. Gary and Guy 1 crowded round what Sally was pointing to.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 1: I agree Gary; indeed they do look like tracks.

Sally: OK they’re not the best defined prints but they look human right?

Guy 1: Yeah.

Sally: OK. I can’t tell if whoever made these tracks was missing a shoe or how old they are so we’re just going to have to take a gamble and follow them anyway. Agree everyone?

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: (click)

Sally: Wizard? Hello? Where’s the Wizard?

Everyone looked around but couldn’t see him. Suddenly he dropped down right in front of them only inches away.

Wizard: Hi!

Guy 1: Agh!

Sally: What were you doing?

Wizard: I was climbing the tree to see further on, I thought if I wasn’t blocked by all the trunks of trees I could see more.

Sally: And what did you see at the top of the tree?

Wizard: Leaves. Lots of leaves... apparently there are a lot of them everywhere.

Sally: Yes, trees generally have leaves.

Wizard: Many. Many that block my view.

Sally: Yeah... OK so this way then.

Sally takes a step back from the Wizard before leading them in the direction of the tracks, yelling out in case Guy 2 heard them. As they ventured further they were painfully aware of the sun setting. It was getting increasingly dark and the party was getting very worried, except the wizard which seemed unaware of anything and just smiled obliviously. It was almost disconcerting for Guy 1 who still had thoughts about being killed lingering in the back of his head. And hey, was the Wizard glowing?

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1: Gasp! A bear has been injured!

Sally: OK I’ve known him for much less time and even I know that that’s your friend.

Guy 2: Ow again!

Sally: Hello! What’s happening? Where are you?

Guy 2: I bumped into a tree! Ow! I bumped into it again! I think I’m blind.

Sally: Stop walking around. It’s dark, you’re not blind.

Guy 2: No, I’m pretty sure I’m blind now. Walked into a branch and now I can’t open my eyes because it hurts too much.

Sally: OK well keep talking, we’re going to try and find you by the sound of your voice.

Guy 2: OK. What to say? What to say? OK well after Gary abandoned me-

Gary: (click) (click)!

Guy 2: So cruelly and harshly abandoned, and pretending to be disabled to get away with it too, I wandered around aimlessly in the hopes of eventually making it back home. Unfortunately this did not come to pass and now I am stuck standing in front of a tree I can’t see for multiple reasons, one, it’s quite dark and two-

Sally: OK you can stop talking now we’ve found you.

Guy 2: Oh good. Now what?

Sally: Well I can take a look at your eye for you.

Sally used her phone to see as she inspected Guy 2’s eye.

Sally: Yeah don’t worry, it looks fine. You haven’t scratched anything, you’ve just poked it. You’ll be fine in a while.

Guy 2: Good.

Guy 2 slowly opened his eyes, blinking a lot. Eventually he could open them all the way. While he was doing this Sally looked around. It was now completely dark and there was no hope of getting back home now.

Sally: Oh...

Guy 1: Oh?

Sally: It’s too dark to carry on, we’ll need to camp here for the night. Do any of you know how to make a good fire?

Guy 1: I d-

Guy 2: NO! No! No you are not going to make us a camp fire!

Sally: Why not? What’s so bad about him making fire?

Guy 2: Do you want to tell her why you’re never allowed to make fire again?

Guy 1 paused, opened his mouth and looked at Sally, who was illuminated in the eerie glow of a mobile phone screen, for a moment before speaking.

Guy 1: (meekly) No.

Guy 2: Tell her the story...

Guy 1: But I don’t want to!

Guy 2: Tell her about the fire story or I tell everyone about the time you used Botox on uncle’s baby!

Gary: (click) (click)?

Sally: You did wh-

Guy 1: So yes, fire story! I shall tell you... the fire story...

Gary: (click)?

Guy 1: NO BABIES! OK well it all started one summer when I decided it would be fun to play with matches. Soon I had made a detailed picture of his dog out of burnt matchsticks. I was quite impressed so I decided to show the picture off to the dog and he seemed quite interested so went to sniff it and one of the matches was still burning as an ember and then... well his snout caught on fire.

Guy 2: And then what?

Guy 1: And then he ran over near your precious collection of dried grass and then it too set on fire...

Sally: “Your precious collection of dried grass”?

Guy 2: It was a different time... Don’t judge me.

Guy 1: So then his dog is on fire, and so is his grass and then suddenly I realised my right hand has caught alight and then he comes home and sees all this happening.

Guy 2: I get angry. Really angry.

Guy 1: So he’s beating me with a cricket bat and yelling profanities while his dog is running around on fire and then the cricket bat sets on fire.

Sally: OK I think I get the picture. So how’d it get resolved?

Guy 1: Neighbour was too lazy to call the fire department so they turned on a hose and sprayed it over the fence.

Guy 2: And not with specific intent or aim either, she just slung it over the fence so it was just spraying a bit over. We had to chase the dog towards the hose and then put out his hand.

Sally: Not the other way round? Aww you poor man!

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s right hand and looked at it.

Sally: There are no scars or healed burn marks on this hand! Only one scar in the middle?

Guy 2: He’s like some kind of weird freak who has a natural immunity to fire or something. You can set part of him on fire and it’ll burn for a while without hurting him. I have no idea where those two scars on his hands come from.

Guy 1: It does hurt me. It’s hot and hotness hurts.

Guy 2: Not quite what I meant.

Sally looked at Guy 1’s left hand and there was an identical scar also in the middle. She looked up at him with a look of disbelief that their story was true.

Sally: Immunity to fire? That’s just absurd.

Guy 2: Well in case you haven’t noticed he’s a very absurd person. Now, I’m going to help us get a campfire going and not burn down the entire woods!

Five minutes later:

Sally: OK now as long as you don’t touch anything like dirt or trees then it shouldn’t get infected.

Guy 2: Ow.

Guy 2 clutched his hand that was now slightly burnt.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Shut up! I have no idea what you just said but I’m sure you were mocking me.

Gary: (click)

Sally: Oh he doesn’t mean that. I’m sure he wants you to get well soon. Don’t worry; it’s not a major burn so not all of the skin on your hand will peel off. Sorry but I don’t have any bandages to wrap your hand in with me.

Guy 2: I feel so reassured.

Guy 2 looked at the back and front of his hand. It looked incredibly red and orange actually. It took him a moment to realise that the orange was because of the flickering light coming from a few feet from him. He looked over and saw that Guy 1 had successfully made a camp fire while Sally was tending to his wounds. Sally had noticed this too.

Sally: Oh how pretty! Good job! See? We should’ve let him make fire after all!

Guy 2 was completely delusional that he still had a chance with Sally as he was unaware of that near kiss that happened between Guy 1 and her. He was feeling quite jealous of Sally’s constant affection for Guy 1 and annoyed at his constant injury. It just didn’t seem right that Guy 1 would be getting more attention than him for things that weren’t obscene in public.

Sally: It’s a good thing you got this fire going or we would’ve had to snuggle together for warmth.

It was almost audible the sound of the realisation of an opportunity missed in Guy 1 and 2’s head. They just froze as they imagined what could’ve occurred out here in the woods all starting with Sally saying “Gee it’s cold tonight.”

Guy 1 and 2: We... still... could.

They glanced at each other realising that their thoughts were on the same track. It somewhat disturbed Guy 2 to think that his thoughts were exactly the same as Guy 1’s even down to the timing. Sally laughed.

Sally: Let’s sit down.

They all sat down in a circle around the fire.

Sally: Well it’s dark but it’s too early to sleep so let’s all tell each other a story. Gary, you’re first.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)? (click) (click)?

Sally: No we don’t mind if it’s a really long one. In fact, the longer the better. And yes, it can be a horror story.

Gary: (click)!

Gary smiled as he shuffled slightly closer to the fire. He leaned forward so the fire would light his face in an eerie glow, shadows were cast across his face. He slowly looked at everyone around the fire before taking a deep breath as he readied his story.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) .......... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)................ (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)........ (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)........................................................................................................... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)! (click)! (click)! (click)! (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)!!! (CLICK)!!!

Sally, The Wizard and Guy 1 sat there captivated by Gary’s story. Guy 1 was even trembling and Sally would gasp whenever Gary clicked in exclamation. Guy 2 just sat there bored as hell as he still couldn’t understand a single word Gary said. It was just repetitive clicking to him. Gary continued his story.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)! (click)! (click)! (click)! .............. (click) (click) (click)!!! (click) (click)!!.................................................................................... (click)

Guy 1 and Sally flinched at the end before applauding. Wizard screamed.

Sally: That was best and scariest story I have ever heard! How did you tell it so masterfully Gary? The suspense, the detail!

Guy 1: That was so dirty.

Sally: I did not expect that ending.

Guy 1: I didn’t either. I was just... blown away!

Sally: I was too!

Wizard: It was more suspenseful than Hitchcock, was more macabre than Poe himself and even King would be freaked by your storytelling. I give it 5 out of 4 stars.

Gary: (click) (click)!

Sally: What did you think of it? Wasn’t it just the scariest story ever?

Guy 2: Um... sure.

Sally: And very original too. The ways those people died!

Guy 2: It was definitely like nothing I had ever experienced.

Guy 1: I will forever be scared of salad due to that. I really will have to check through the entire thing before I eat a single bite.

Guy 2 was uncertain if they were just messing with him or if that was really part of the story. Just in case, he didn’t want to admit absolute ignorance by asking what salad had to do with anything or why The Wizard was looking around wildly in all directions with his fists up ready to fight. Maybe that was due to the story maybe because The Wizard seemed to be permanently on some kind of acid trip, Guy 2 really couldn’t tell.

Guy 1: I don’t think I can sleep tonight after that.

Sally: Well I guess that means you get to tend to the fire to make sure it doesn’t go out!

Guy 1: Stay up with me. I’m scared.

Sally: Don’t worry; I won’t let the story come true, especially not the part involving the eggs and the tractor.

Guy 1: Oh good. That was the scariest part!

Sally: It was indeed.

Sally held Guy 1 jokingly to comfort him. Just then, there was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed.

To be continued...

CBM 17: Choo-Choo The End! Choo-Choo

2009-12-30T17:18:00.001+08:00

Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.

Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!

Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…

Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.

Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.

Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…

Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.

Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.

Guy 1: Huh?

Worker 1: We like the band.

Guy 1: Ah.

Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.

Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?

Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.

Worker 1: Oh not you…

Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.

Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?

Worker 1 is looking around.

Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?

Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.

Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?

Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.

Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!

Worker 1: That’s nice.

Worker 3: Ugh…

Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.

Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?

Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?

Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

Guy 1: Oh forget this.

Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.

Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?

Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.

Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…

Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?

Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.

Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!

Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?

Guy 1: Uh… sure…

Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.

Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…

Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hey…

Guy 2: Hey…

Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?

Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?

Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…

Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?

Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.

Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.

Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!

Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.

Cameraman: What was up with that?

Guy 2: I’m not sure…

Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.

Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…

Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.

Worker 1: Gah!

Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.

Guy 2: It’s… you!

Worker 1: No it isn’t!

Guy 1: You know this person?

Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!

Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.

Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?

Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…

Guy 1: That’s… creepy…

Guy 2: You’re telling me…

Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?

Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?

Worker 1: Yes?

Guy 2: No.

Worker 1: Aw. Please?

Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!

Everyone turns to Girl 1.

Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.

Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!

Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!

Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!

Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1 gasps.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!

Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!

(Pause)

Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!

Girl 1: Scottish!

Guy 1: Same difference.

Girl 1: No it isn’t!

Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…

Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.

Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?

Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!

Everyone stares at Girl 1.

Girl 1: What?

Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.

Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…

Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.

Girl 1: Shut up you!

Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.

Guy 1: Really? OK.

Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.

Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?

Guy 2: Not like that.

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.

Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.

Girl 1: To the park!

Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.

Guy 1: What’s on the roof?

Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.

Guy 1 looks up.

Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…

Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.

Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?

Worker 3: Sure.

Worker 2 runs in.

Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!

Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.

Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.

Worker 2: Noooooo!

Cut to: The park.

Guy 2: Hey! We found him!

Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.

Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.

Guy 1: Why?

Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.

Guy 1: Make me.

Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.

Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!

Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.

Guy 2: Never do.

Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!

Girl 1: Well you still suck.

Guy 4: Bah! It talks!

Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!

Guy 4: (Scared) OK.

Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.

Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.

Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!

Everyone stops and stares for a moment.

Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.

Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.

Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…

Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!

Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!

Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!

Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.

Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?

Guy 4: Who do you suggest?

Guy 1: Uh… Him!

Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.

Person: Me!?

Guy 1: Yes!

Guy 2: Yes!

Guy 4: Darn!

Person: OK.

Guy 1: What?

Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.

Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.

Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.

Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!

Everyone laughs.

Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.

Everyone laughs again.

Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!

Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.

Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?

Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.

Guy 1: Dunno.

The Dark Figure approaches them.

Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!

The Dark figure holds up a knife.

Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!

Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!

The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.

Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…

Guy 1: Run!

Everyone screams.

The End.

CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo

2009-12-28T20:51:00.002+08:00

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 4 walks in the door.

Guy 1: Oh not you again.

Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.

Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.

Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.

Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?

Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.

Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?

Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?

Guy 1 pauses and thinks.

Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…

Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…

Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.

Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?

Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…

Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.

Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…

Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.

Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?

Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.

Guy 1: Aww…

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…

Worker 1 waves a stick around.

Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.

Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!

Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…

Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.

Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.

Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1 puts down the disc.

Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Because I said so.

Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?

Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.

Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.

Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?

Worker 1: I’m not raping you.

Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.

Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.

Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.

Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!

Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?

Guy 2: No… you?

Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…

Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.

Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.

Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.

Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!

Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.

Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!

The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.

Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!

Cut to: Girl 1.

Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Everything’s normal again.

Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?

Cameraman: Uh…

There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.

Cameraman: Hoorah!

Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…

Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.

Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!

Girl 1 smiles.

Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: So what’s your plan?

Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.

Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.

Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.

Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?

Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.

Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.

Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.

Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!

Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!

Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!

Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!

Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?

Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.

Guy 2 grabs a passing person.

Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?

Person: No! I didn’t!

Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!

Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!

Guy 2 lets go of the person.

Guy 2: OK then… good…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.

Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!

Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.

Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.

Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!

Guy 2: Fine!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.

Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 9

2009-12-26T17:47:00.005+08:00

Y ou kn ow th e d ri ll

Sally: Wow! Business is really picking up!

Woman: Thanks. Here you go kids.

The woman hands cups to her two children and walks off.

Guy 1: Three people! That’s a, uh... three!

Sally: I love how you count. It’s cute.

Guy 1: Well maybe we can count down from 10 together sometime.

Sally: Did you just wink?

Guy 1: No!

Guy 1 blushes.

Sally: Are you blushing?

Guy 1: Definitely!....

Sally: Wha-

Guy 1: Not. Not I mean not.

Sally: I just don’t get it. This business should be booming! Do you think the woman with kids will tell her friends about us?

Guy 1: Women with kids are generally very social and outgoing.

Sally: I’m not entirely sure that’s an accurate portrayal of early motherhood but OK. Hey, let’s take a break from this busy schedule of pizza juice selling and go somewhere nice together.

Sally smiles and moves slightly closer to Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Oh no! She’s plotting to kill me! What am I going to do next to get out of this?

Guy 1: Sure! Let’s go!

Sally grabbed his hand and led him on down the street. They walked together down the simple suburban streets with trees growing on every curb in a fashion that appeared to make a green tunnel of leaves to anyone looking down the road. Guy 1 would’ve been fascinated by how green this place was compared to where he was from in Australia but his mind was predisposed with wondering where Sally was taking him and “hey wow this is what a girls hand feels like”. After a while of brisk walking they jumped a fence and were no longer amongst houses. A large field filled with long grass lay before them. Sally walked onwards towards the centre with Guy 1 following. They lie down in a flattened patch of grass and look up at the late afternoon sky.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: The sky is blank.

Sally: I know.

Guy 1: The sky is always blank where I come from.

Sally: Yes but the big wide blueness... it’s nice.

Guy 1 looks up at the big wide blueness in silence. It was definitely nicer than the big blue wetness also known as the ocean. He looked over at Sally. She was lying there completely distracted by staring at the sky. Her light green tank top blended nicely with the fading green colour of the grass. At a quick glance it could look as if she was just a head sitting there and smiling up at the sky. At first Guy 1 thought that was somewhat pleasant but then soon realised that no, a head just sitting there is quite horrific even if it was a very nice head. Sally indeed had a very nice head. Guy 1 thought her head was very nice. If anyone else was around to notice the niceness of her head they would definitely agree with Guy 1 on how nice it was, which was very. Guy 1 realised his thoughts were becoming very repetitive. Very repetitive indeed. They just kept repeating themselves. He needed a way out of this repetition of the same thing again and again. What to say though? Maybe he could comment on the shade of blue that the sky was-

Guy 1: You’re very pretty.

There was a pause as Sally didn’t move before her head (which was very nice) turned to look at Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? I know you talk without thinking but surely ME, the mind, has SOME influence over you what with control over motor functions and all! Agh! She’s looking at me! She’s looking at me! What do I do!? Oh let’s hope she reacts well. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh.

Sally: (Pause) Hahahahahahaha!

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Please don’t laugh. Please don’t- awww...

Sally: Aww. You’re sweet.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I don’t remember her licking me...

Sally touched Guy 1’s face and smiled.

Sally: What are you thinking?

Guy 1: I don’t remember you licking me.

Sally: Wha-? Oh! Hahahaha no not that kind of sweet silly! Oh you’re classic you are.

Guy 1 smiled.

Sally: Hey are your cheeks sunburnt or something? We haven’t been out here that long...

Guy 1: I’m not sunburnt.

Sally: Ahhh! Hahahaha.

Sally shuffled closer to Guy 1.

Sally: So you’re pretty shy aren’t you?

Guy 1’s head moves back as Sally’s gets closer.

Guy 1: (Meekly) No. What makes you think that?

Sally laughs.

Sally: Oh nothing.

Sally moves even closer to Guy 1. Her body was now touching his.

Sally: Your mouth is shaking.

Guy 1: N-no i-it’s n-not.

Sally laughed again.

Sally: You’re so funny!

Sally’s face moved closer to Guy 1’s. His head hit the ground and he realised he was trapped. It’s important to point out that he is still having random thoughts of her having led him here to kill him. Sally’s approaching smiling face and her arm moving it’s way around him didn’t help these thoughts. She looked like she was about to kill him by blocking off his mouth with hers thus robbing him of oxygen. Then it hit him. This was not a very slow arduous build up to a murder he couldn’t possibly fathom. She was trying to kiss him.

He was feeling very stupid right now for completely misinterpreting that!
Sally took his smile and increased blushing as encouragement to continue and go through with the kiss. She moved in and Guy 1 lifted his head towards hers. They closed their eyes and open their mouths slightly. He could feel her warm breathe as they were just about to make contact.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Guy 1’s phone rings. Sally jumps up in shock at the loud ringing. Guy 1 jumped downwards and hit his head on the ground.

Guy 1: Ow! Damn it!

Sally: You OK? Haha that scared me for a moment!

Guy 1: Damn it...

Guy 1 sighed before he answered his phone.

Guy 1: Hello?

Guy 2: Hey! Help me!

Guy 1: What’s wrong?

Sally: Who is it?

Guy 1: My friend.

Guy 2: Gary and I went walking into the woods and then we got lost! –(static)- bunch of woodland creatures chasing me and –(static)- to eat my skin! Oh no they found me! Agh! AGGGHHH!! SWEET-(static)- Oh that’s not for eating! Agh! Gghsdgsioerhuribvsiubso!

Guy 1: I think he wants to talk to you.

Guy 1 hands Sally the phone.

Guy 2: GOaGGHH!!! AGHYOORR –(static)- RTARRR!!!!! Hi Sally. Agghhh!!! He’s got my shoe! My shoooo –(static)- oooeeee!!! I need that for protecting my feet! Agh! They’re eating my unprotected feet!

Sally: You have really bad reception. Do you know which direction you were heading before you got lost? Stay where you are I’ll come find you. Is Gary there? Put him on!

Guy 2: Hey dude she wants to speak to you.

Guy 2’s screams continued in the background as Gary picked up the phone.

Gary: (click)

Sally: Where was the last place you remember knowing where you were?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Good. I’ll be right there. Try to survive OK?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Seriously? The woodland creatures are only attacking him not you?

Gary: (click)

Sally: Interesting. I’ll be right there.

Sally hung up the phone.

Sally: Come on.

Guy 1: What? Shouldn’t they call the police or something to help find them? And we can stay here and... continue... stuff.

Sally: We have this tradition in our family to help one another no matter what.

Guy 1: But... woods... furry creatures... nibbling on feet.

Sally: How did you hear that? He said that to me.

Guy 1: He was yelling pretty loud. Yelling makes me want to not go to where he is.

Sally: Well then if he continues to yell loudly in pain then it’ll be easier to find and rescue him.

Guy 1: But... but... (sighs) fine. I’ll help.

Sally: Good! Now we need to hurry because the sun is going to start setting any moment now and we need to find him before it gets too dark.

Sally starts to jog towards the woods.

Guy 1: Ugh... dark? (sighs)

Guy 1 follows.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary sitting on a log.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was pretty brave how you fought off those squirrels.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I still don’t understand a thing you say to me. Can’t you click in Morse Code instead?

Gary shakes his head.

Guy 2: What? You don’t know how?

Gary nods.

Guy 2: You’re a man who communicates in clicking and you don’t know Morse Code? Damn. Well not that it matters because I don’t know it either. But it would’ve been more familiar to me than your system of clicks. Seriously how did you create a language system if you can’t communicate any other way?

Gary decided against pointing out that he wasn’t illiterate and could simply write things down. He felt that if he demonstrated this then Guy 2 would just constantly ask him to scribble in the dirt whenever he had a question.

Guy 2: I lost my shoe... one of the woodland creatures took it. Remember that? Now I have to walk without a shoe. My foot hurts... partly because a stick is poking it and partly because it’s covered in bite marks. I don’t like being bitten. You know in Australia if you get bitten you die. I wonder if I’m going to die of rabies. Do squirrels have rabies? I hope they don’t. I do not want rabies. There’s a hospital in Charleston right? Sorry it’s just I’m used to being in a city of a million instead of 20 000. How does it make you feel being in a small town? It makes my foot hurt.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: That could either mean “quite sad” in response to my question or “shut up” in response to the sound of my voice. I’m going to choose the former because I haven’t finished complaining about rabies. Rabies rhymes with babies which I am not fond of either. They just whinge and cry a lot. I can’t stand it when they just keep whinging and trying to get all the attention. Don’t you hate that too? I hate it. I’m hungry.

Gary gave into the need to demonstrate his ability to write. He picked up a stick and wrote in the dirt.

Guy 2: What are you writing? (Pause) “Shut your noisy face hole.” Oh... sorry.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So what now?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh... I suppose that was meant to be very in depth and intelligent speech about survival and getting home safely wasn’t it?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I’m not enjoying this holiday...

Gary secretly agreed even though he was not on holidays either. Guy 2 got up and was about to move but Gary stopped him. Gary holds both hands up then points and him then Guy 2 before pointing to the ground in an attempt to communicate that they should stay where they are.

Guy 2: You want me to help you dig a hole? I don’t see how that’s productive.

Gary sighed. He sat down and pointed to his bent knees then pointed to Guy 2 and motioned downwards once again.

Guy 2: You’re pretending to be disabled and so can’t do labour and want me to dig the hole for you?

Gary hits his palm to his face.

Gary: (click) (click!)

Guy 2: Now just because you are disabled doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I’m leaving.

Gary gave up and let Guy 2 walk away. Guy 2 disappeared into the woods. Gary sat there for quite some time. He slowly started to feel guilty about letting Guy 2 walk off to almost certain doom. For the first time in his life he was starting to feel like he really was disabled.

Gary: (Thoughts) No, just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person... It may have just cost a man his life though. No! He’ll be alright! I know he will!

Gary felt a sudden urge to be lying on a couch back in town clicking on about his worries to his therapist. Yes, his therapist understood him. They let him write, click, draw or any other way he could imagine to communicate.

Gary: (click)...

Guy 1: I know how you feel.

Gary looked to his left.

Guy 1: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: So... what up?

Sally: Gary!

Gary: (click!)

Guy 1: Me!

Sally: Thank goodness you’re alright! You know you shouldn’t have strayed from the normal path! Where’s his friend?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click!)

Gary pointed in the direction that Guy 2 had walked off.

Sally: Ugh! Why didn’t you tell him not to walk off? How else are we going to find him?

Gary gave her an unimpressed look.

Guy 1: I’m surprised we even found you. We’re pretty far into the woods.

Sally: Do you think you can call him?

Guy 1 looked at his phone.

Guy 1: No sorry no reception.

Sally: Typical. Just when you need to venture deep into the middle of nowhere your phone reception gets cut off.

Guy 1: Cradle Mountain is one pain in the neck.

Sally: Where?

Guy 1: Just some place in Australia. It has nice lakes.

Sally: That sounds interesting. We should go there some time.

Guy 1: It’s in Tasmania. You’d like there it’s very green and natural.

Sally: Cool.

Gary: (click) (click) (click?)

Guy 1: Oh yeah my friend is still missing! Thanks for reminding me there Gary. Hey when’s your birthday?

Gary: (click?)

Sally: Now’s not the time. We need to find your friend and it’s starting to get dark.

Guy 1: What happens when things get dark?

Sally: Weird, strange, UNHOLY things happen!

Guy 1: Really?

Sally: No. It’s just nearly impossible to navigate in the dark and so we’ll get even more lost so we can’t found our way out the next day. That is assuming we don’t freeze to death in the cold.

Guy 1: So by cold you mean what? 20 degrees? Celsius?

Sally: That’s... 68 Fahrenheit. No think more like in the negatives.

Guy 1: I don’t like the negatives.

Sally: Negative numbers are indeed bad. So let’s go quickly now before anything bad or unexpected happens.

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: What the hell?

To be continued...

CBM 15: Fatty Bilby

2009-12-26T12:43:00.000+08:00

Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?

Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?

Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?

Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.

Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.

Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.

Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Guy 2 is watching the TV.

Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?

Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!

Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.

The sounds of gunshots can be heard.

Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?

Guy 2 chuckles to himself.

Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…

Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?

Guy 2 turns off the TV.

Guy 2: What guy?

Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?

Guy 2: What dog?

Cameraman: Oh never mind…

Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…

Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…

Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.

Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?

Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?

Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.

Worker 1: Well… good for them then.

Cut to: Guy 2’s house.

Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?

Guy 2: I… live here?

Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…

Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.

Guy 4: Are you sure?

Guy 4 walks in and looks around.

Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…

Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.

Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.

Guy 2: Who?

Guy 4: That guy… that…

Guy 2 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.

Guy 2: Oh!

Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?

Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…

Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.

Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.

Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.

Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.

Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.

Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.

Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.

Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.

Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!

Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.

Guy 4: I’m not short!

Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?

Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.

Guy 4 walks out the door.

Guy 2: What was that all about?

Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.

Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.

Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.

Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?

Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!

Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…

Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…

Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.

Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…

(Long pause)

Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?

Cameraman: I thought you would.

Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.

Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Cameraman: Cameramancist…

Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.

Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.

Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.

Guy 3: What!? Why?

Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.

Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?

Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.

Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.

To be continued...

Merry Christmas Y'all

2009-12-24T22:02:00.002+08:00

I would like to inform you all that this Christmas eve is more than just the night before I awake to spend an entire day celebrating with family the birth of our saviour Jesus Christ (with minimal commericialism, hence my parents haven't gotten me any gifts and vice versa) I would like to inform you now that I am engaged to the most beautiful woman on the planet. My mother and sister have been discussing the wedding in the car ride home from a family friends house.

Everything I have just said is absolutely true :)

Except the bit about being engaged. I would like to inform you of this and my mother and sister did discuss my wedding in the car tonight. I'm just not engaged. Damn. Well... a few more years to go.

Well here should be some kind of profound or more probably a cliche Christmas message. Tidings of good fortune and joy or something, merry stuff and may your atheistic house find peace with The Lord or something like that. Or maybe just the normal line of "Merry Christmas and a Happy new- SANTA ISN'T REAL! SANTA ISN'T REAL! SANTA ISN'T REAL!" Yes, I am that evil.

But seriously though, from the author of these many stories that only 3 people supposedly read, have a nice day tomorrow :) May you ignore all your problems for 24 hours and have a nice day full of joy and wonder and... joyness. (Extra joy and wonder and joyness if you're going to Candy Mountain..... Chhaaarrrlliiieeee) I know I shall endeavour to survive tomorrow as we all will. The new year shall soon be upon us. Who knows what wonderful things it holds? Who knows what choices we'll make, where we'll go, what we'll do.... when The Holiday will finally be finished....

Well. Goodnight :)

CBM 14: The Evil Sewing Room

2009-12-24T22:00:00.001+08:00

Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.

Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!

Guy 1 looks around.

Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.

Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!

Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.

Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.

Worker 1 looks proud.

Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.

Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.

Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…

Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.

Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.

Worker 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?

Guy 2: What?

Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?

Guy 2: No…

Worker 1: Please?

Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.

Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!

Guy 2 gets up and walks away.

Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!

Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.

Worker 1: Nooooooo!

Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.

Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?

Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?

Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!

Guy 1: And issues.

Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?

Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.

Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!

Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!

Worker 1: Exactly.

Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.

Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.

Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…

Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…

Guy 1: Uh…

Worker 1: By we I mean me.

Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.

Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.

Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?

Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.

Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?

Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.

Guy 1: I’m human.

Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.

Guy 1: Scientists?

Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.

Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.

Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.

Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.

Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?

Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.

Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.

Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-

Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?

Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.

Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?

Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.

Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?

Guy 1: I’m not alien.

Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!

Guy 1: That makes no sense.

Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!

Guy 1: You’re strange.

Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.

Guy 1: OK…

Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.

Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.

Worker 1: Good.

Guy 1: No more.

Worker 1: Yes OK.

Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.

Worker 1: OK story time.

Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.

Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.

Guy 1: And what are they telling you?

Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…

Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.

Worker 1: Really?

Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.

Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.

Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?

Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!

Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.

Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.

Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?

While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.

Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!

Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.

Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.

Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.

Worker 1: It was.

Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.

Worker 1: Yes I did.

Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.

Worker 1: Why thankyou…

Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!

Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.

Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.

Worker 1: Thankyou!

Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.

Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.

Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?

Guy 1 snaps out of it.

Guy 1: Hm?

Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?

Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.

Worker 1 holds up a stick.

Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.

Guy 1: Interesting.

Worker 1: I hit people with it.

Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?

Worker 1: Its name is Steve.

Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?

Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.

Guy 1: I-

Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!

To be continued...

CBM 13: Certain Doom! Dooooom!

2009-12-22T08:31:00.002+08:00

Authors note: Hey isn't it cool that chapter 13 is called "Certain Doom! Dooooom!"? I think it's cool even though I have no superstitious affiliations with the number 13. I didn't plan that you know. Story time!

Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?

Guy 1 looks up.

Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…

Girl 2: By the way… who are you?

Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…

Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.

Guy 1 looks at his hand.

Guy 1: My hand?

Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.

Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.

Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?

Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.

Girl 2: I see…

Guy 1: Can I get past you now?

Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.

Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?

Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!

Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.

Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?

Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.

Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!

Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.

Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.

Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.

Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.

Worker 1: When did I say that?

Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.

Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!

Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!

Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.

Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.

Worker 1: Just do your job.

Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.

Worker 1: Why are you a llama?

Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.

Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.

Girl 2: Raaarrr!

Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.

Girl 2: Raarr?

Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.

Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone

Girl 2: We meet at last…

Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?

Girl 2: No I expect you to die!

Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Why won’t you die?

Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.

Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?

Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?

Guy 1: No.

Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!

Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.

Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?

Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.

Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.

Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?

Guy 1: Yes.

Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.

Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!

Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…

The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.

Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.

Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.

Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.

Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.

Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…

Girl 2 takes out her phone again.

Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…

Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?

Girl 2: What is with you and your face?

Worker 1: Huh?

Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.

Worker 1: You mean the shops?

Girl 2: Yes.

Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.

Girl 2: You make no sense.

Worker 1: Stop saying that!

Girl 2: Make me.

Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.

Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!

Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.

Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?

Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.

Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?

Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?

Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!

Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!

Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…

Girl 2: Pie Llama out!

Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.

Worker 1: We meet at last.

Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?

Worker 1: No… but I know you…

Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.

Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.

Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…

Guy 1: Huh?

Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.

To be continued...

CBM 12: The Muppet Show

2009-12-20T22:47:00.000+08:00

Guy 1 is holding a phone.

Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: Who was that?

Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?

Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?

Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…

Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?

Guy 2: Oh you’re here.

Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!

Guy 1: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Are you high?

(Pause)

Cameraman: Uh… no…

Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?

Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…

Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.

(Pause)

Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.

Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.

(Pause)

Everyone starts laughing.

Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.

Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…

Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?

(Pause)

Guy 1: I like that idea.

Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?

Guy 1: Huh?

Cameraman: Nothing…

Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.

Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?

Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…

Cameraman: So never technically.

Guy 1: Aww…

Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?

Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.

Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.

Guy 1: And you never will.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?

Guy 1: Where we started?

Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?

Guy 1: How is that where we started?

Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?

Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?

Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 2: On drugs.

Guy 1: What?

Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!

Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!

Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!

Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!

Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…

Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?

Guy 2 giggles.

Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.

Guy 1: Turn it off!

Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…

The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.

Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.

Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!

Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!

Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.

Guy 1 holds up his hand.

Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.

Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.

Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…

Guy 1: Good.

Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.

Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!

Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!

Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!

Cameraman: Next Saturday.

Guy 2: I’ll see you there.

Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.

Guy 2: Mine all expired.

Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…

Guy 1: No…

Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.

Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!

Guy 2: And I agree with her.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.

Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?

(Pause)

Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.

To be continued...

Mahedosat.

2009-12-03T21:20:00.002+08:00

Hello. Yes, well now we have TWO currently unfinished serials going but trust me! They shall conclude soon. The Holiday is going to conclude at part 10 if all goes according to plan. Part 11 at the most. OK well to the point now. I'm going on holidays to the other side of the country for two weeks so I shall be travelling and generally not blogging or writing. In the meantime, I want to bring attention to something that recently happened back in Part 6 of CBM. Here is an extract from Part 6:

Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?

Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!

Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!

Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!

Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.

Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!

Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.

Everyone gasps.

Worker 2: No… seriously?

Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.

(Pause)

Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.

OK well that seems like a pretty simple enough section but for you sci-fi fans out there, you'll find a couple of nice references to different shows. Chuds and Ogrons. What sci-fi fans don't get is the reference to the Mahedosat. Let me tell you about this because I am certain you've never heard of it. OK well when writing this I was going through a slight cryptozoology phase and so that's where the references to Big Foot come from. The part is even named after the 1967 film where Big Foot was supposedly caught on camera and thus is the most famous piece of "evidence" for his existence. That's what the video footage of Guy 1 is parodying. OK now that I've explained all the cultural references we're still left with the Mahedosat. What is the Mahedosat?

I don't know.

I remember sitting down and writing that scene quite clearly! I wanted each thing to be something of importance. I wanted each thing to be a reference to something else so someone would watch it (back when I planned on filming it) and go "ahaha! I KNOW what that is! I'm so nerdy" I even remember walking around the house asking my parents for certain references to sci-fi ape like creatures. So it really confused me a year later when I sat down and reread it all. Mahedosat. Mahedosat. What was it? My first idea was that it came from the Cryptozoology A to Z Encyclopedia by Loren Coleman which I was reading at the time I had written the script. The very fact that I can actually recall his name and the book (nearly got the book title correct, had to look it up to make sure) shows how well I am capable of remembering things. Somehow the Mahedosat escapes me. (By the way, we're talking Loren Coleman the cryptozoologist/psychologist not the science fiction writer) So I went back to the library and got out the book again in the hopes of finding the answers. I assumed that because I was effectively parodying myself that I the Mahedosat was actually a large redheaded cryptid that I had read about but it wasn't.

So it has become this very odd mystery to me. What is the Mahedosat? That question has made me think for nearly two years now and I still can't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it. I swear I was trying to fill it with references and not something random that I made up. The only result on a Google search is a comment on someone's youtube channel where I ask them if they can figure it out (as a wager, to see how "smart" they were to go on a fools errand to discover what it was). So that's something very odd.

What is the Mahedosat?

CBM 11: Santa Claus is Real

2009-12-02T00:12:00.001+08:00

Guy 4: OK and you can just be called Dark Phoenix because… yeah I can’t be bothered coming with anything and it’s the name on my watch.

Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.

Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…

Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?

Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.

Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!

Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.

Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?

Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!

Guy 4: A bad way?

Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?

Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.

Guy 1: Potatoes…

Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.

Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…

Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.

(Pause)

Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.

Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…

Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?

Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.

Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 3: What he said.

Guy 5: What he said.

Guy 3: Hey wait…

Guy 5: Hey wait…

Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 3: I think you are…

Guy 5: I think you are…

Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…

Guy 5 starts waving.

Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!

Guy 5: I did.

Guy 5 continues to wave.

Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!

Guy 3: Cage of torture?

Guy 5: Cage of torture?

Guy 3: I kill you!

Guy 5: I kill you!

Guy 4: You two!

Guy 5: Uh oh…

Guy 3: He started it!

Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!

Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?

Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?

Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!

Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!

Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.

Cameraman: Aww…

Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.

Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!

Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?

Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!

Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.

Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…

Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.

Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…

The camera shows Guy 4.

Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!

Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!

Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!

Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.

Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!

Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.

Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?

Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.

Guy 2: That’s it?

Guy 4: Yes.

Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 1: No food afterwards?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.

Guy 1: But I’m hungry…

Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!

Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….

Guy 1: Mmm… meat…

Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.

Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?

Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.

Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.

Guy 2: Whatever you say…

Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.

An elf walks through the door.

Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.

Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!

Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.

Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!

The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2 shivers.

Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…

Cameraman: Huh?

Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…

Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.

Cameraman: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.

Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.

Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.

Cameraman: So… bored?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.

Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.

Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.

Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.

(Long pause)

Cameraman: Am I pretty?

Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.

Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?

Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.

Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?

Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.

Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…

Cameraman looks around the room.

Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…

(Pause)

Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?

Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.

Guy 2: What’s going on?

Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…

Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?

Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.

Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Guy 2: You’re evil

Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.

Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.

Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?

Guy 2: Oh sorry.

Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.

To be continued...

CBM 10: A Curse on your Family and your Goat

2009-11-30T20:47:00.002+08:00

Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.

Guy 1: Can I have one?

Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Please?

Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.

Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?

Girl 1 nods and eats another.

Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…

There’s a knock at the door.

Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!

Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.

Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?

Guy 1: Waiting for you…

Guy 2: How’d you get in?

Guy 1: Through the door…

Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.

Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?

Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…

Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.

Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?

Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.

Guy 2: Fank-oo.

Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.

Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!

Guy 2: What isn’t?

Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?

Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.

Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: Uh… hello?

Guy 1: Yes hello.

Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-

Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.

Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…

(Pause)

Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Guy 2: I’d assume so…

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?

Guy 1 puts his hand up.

Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!

Guy 2: Anyone else?

Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…

Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!

Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.

Guy 1: Who is it?

Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.

Guy 4: Ahem!

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…

Guy 4: Uh… OK…

Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.

Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…

Everyone looks at Guy 3.

Guy 1: Lame!

Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 3: Prove it!

Guy 1: OK I will.

Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.

Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!

Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.

Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!

Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…

Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.

Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!

Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.

Guy 4: Ha!

Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?

Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?

Guy 3: About ten bucks.

Guy 4: You’re on.

Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!

Guy 1: Oh good.

Girl 1 yanks it again.

Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?

Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.

Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!

Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 5: Are you sure?

Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!

Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!

Guy 4: Please stop doing that.

Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.

Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.

Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Guy 3: Huh?

Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.

Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.

Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?

Guy 4 sighs.

Guy 4: OK fine.

Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: Really?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: I see…

Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?

Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.

Guy 2: Why not?

Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.

Guy 2 pauses and thinks.

Guy 2: Wait… huh?

Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.

Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?

Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!

Guy 4: I’m not telling you.

Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…

Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!

Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.

Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!

(Pause)

Guy 2: Yes you do.

To be continued...

CBM 9: Return of the Pizza Guy

2009-11-28T12:33:00.002+08:00

The Pizza Guy walks up to the door and knocks.

Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.

Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?

Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…

Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.

Guy 2: Now!

Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.

Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!

Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.

Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!

Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.

Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?

Guy 1 gets up.

Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.

Guy 2 chortles.

Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.

Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.

Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…

Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?

Guy 2: Make me.

Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.

Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…

Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?

Worker 1: Uh… no…?

Worker 2: Never mind then.

Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.

Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?

Worker 2: Name?

Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?

Worker 2: Meh who cares?

Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.

Worker 2: Shut up.

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.

Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!

Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!

Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.

Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!

Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?

Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.

Worker 4 looks sad.

Worker 4: I am who I am!

Worker 4 turns away and cries.

Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 1: Why I ortta-

Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

Worker 2: Now who could that be?

Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-

Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.

Girl 2: Hey!

Worker 1: Hey.

Worker 2: Hey.

Worker 3: Hey.

Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…

Worker 4 goes back to crying.

Girl 2: What’s up with…?

Girl 2 points.

Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.

Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.

Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!

Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!

Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!

Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.

Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.

Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?

Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?

Girl 2: Because your face asked.

Worker 1: That makes no sense.

Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Worker 1: Quiet you.

Cameraman: You want to make me?

Worker 1: No… not really.

Cameraman: Thought so…

Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?

Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.

(Pause)

Girl 2: Go on…

Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.

(Pause)

Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?

Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.

Worker 1 puts their pinky down.

Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.

Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!

Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!

Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!

Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?

Girl 2: Yes!

Worker 2 and 3: Yes!

Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…

Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.

Worker 1: So how about it?

Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?

Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.

Girl 2: All of the wall?

Worker 1: Yes… all of it.

Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.

Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.

Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?

Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…

Girl 2: Yes! Score!

Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.

Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.

Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!

Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?

Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.

Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.

Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?

Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…

(Pause)

Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.

Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!

Worker 3: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…

To be continued...

CBM 8: Light Switch... Light... Switch

2009-11-26T11:52:00.001+08:00

Guy 1: So how long until that annoying pizza guy comes?

Guy 2: In a while.

Guy 2 looks at his watch.

Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.

Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…

Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?

Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?

Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.

Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?

Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.

Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.

Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!

Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?

Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!

Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.

Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?

Cameraman: OK!

Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.

Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?

Guy 2: Sure why not?

The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.

Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.

Guy 4: Ahem… down here.

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh… come on in…

Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.

Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!

Guy 2: No stop!

Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.

Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…

Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.

Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.

Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.

Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!

Guy 1: You!?

Guy 4: Yes!

(Pause)

Guy 1 bursts out laughing.

Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!

Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!

Guy 1: And you sound like one!

Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!

Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?

Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?

Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.

Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?

Guy 2: A selfish one.

Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.

Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?

The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.

Mother: Hello and where are you from?

Guy 4: England.

Mother stands up.

Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.

She shows him to the nearest light switch.

Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.

Guy 2: Mum…

Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…

Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.

Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.

Guy 2: Mum!

Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.

Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!

Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?

Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!

Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.

The Mother walks away.

Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?

Guy 1: Slightly!?

Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.

Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!

Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…

Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?

Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.

Guy 2: SAC.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.

Guy 4: What does it stand for?

Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.

Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.

Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!

Guy 4 nods.

Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?

Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…

Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?

Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…

Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.

Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?

Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…

Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.

Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.

Guy 1: Wow…

Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.

Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.

Guy 2 puts down the gun.

Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.

Guy 1: Dude…

Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.

The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.

Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…

Guy 2: Oh you remember now!

Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?

Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?

(Pause)

Guy 1: No.

Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.

Guy 1: Who?

To be continued...

CBM 7: Sesame Street

2009-11-24T12:10:00.001+08:00

Cut to: Guy 1 walking down the path next to the shops.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.

Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.

Worker 2: Roger that.

Worker 1: Don’t say that.

Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…

Worker 1: That would be why.

Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.

Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?

Guy 2: Sesame Street.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: The adult version.

Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!

Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.

Elmo: Not good enough.

There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.

Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.

Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…

Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.

Guy 1: So much blood…

Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?

Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…

Ernie: But it’s all yellow!

Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-

Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.

Guy 1: That was… horrific…

Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…

Guy 1: No… just horrific.

Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.

Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.

Guy 2: Or that…

Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.

Guy 2: Why not?

Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.

Guy 2: OK fine…

Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.

Guy 2: Yoink!

Guy 2 turns the TV back on.

Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!

Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!

Guy 1: Please make it stop!

Guy 2: OK fine.

Guy 2 turns it off.

Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?

Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.

Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.

Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…

Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.

Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?

Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?

Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?

Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…

Guy 2: OK.

Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…

Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.

Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.

Guy 1: It always is.

Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?

Guy 1: I don’t know.

Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.

Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.

Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.

Worker 1: Hello…

Dark figure: Hello.

Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?

Dark figure: Why are you?

Worker 1: Good point.

Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.

Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…

Worker 1 looks at his palm.

Worker 1: The SAC.

Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?

Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.

Worker 2: What makes you say that?

Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.

Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.

Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.

Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.

Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…

Worker 1: OK then…

Worker 1 turns back to the phone.

Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.

Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.

Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.

Worker 2: I suggest we call it-

Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!

Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!

Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.

Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!

Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.

Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!

Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!

Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!

Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!

Worker 1: Well… you should…

Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…

Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?

Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?

Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?

Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.

Worker 1: Trust me… I do…

Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.

Worker 1: Headquarters?

Worker 2: My house.

Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-

Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?

Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-

Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.

Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.

Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!

Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.

To be continued...

CBM 6: The 1967 Film

2009-11-22T22:02:00.001+08:00

Guy 2: OK can we all stop talking about my weight?

Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!

Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?

Cameraman: School.

Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…

Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?

Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?

Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…

Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.

Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?

Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?

Guy 4: Fascinating…

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?

Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?

Guy 2: What game are you playing?

Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!

Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?

Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!

Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.

Guy 1: But-

Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.

Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.

Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.

Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!

Guy 4: Get over it.

Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.

Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…

Guy 2: Too much information.

Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 3: Gah!

Guy 4: Come on lets go.

Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.

Guy 4: I command you to come.

Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.

Guy 2 turns to everyone else.

Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?

Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?

Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.

Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.

Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?

Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.

Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!

Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.

Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.

Guy 2 hits himself on the head.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Meanwhile…

A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.

Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!

Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.

Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-

Worker 2: To reveal the killer!

Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…

Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.

Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…

Worker 2 puts up his hand.

Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?

Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…

Worker 2: Oh…

Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.

Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.

Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?

Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!

Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!

Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!

Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.

Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!

Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.

Everyone gasps.

Worker 2: No… seriously?

Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.

(Pause)

Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.

Worker 5: That’s a good one!

Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.

Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.

Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.

Worker 4: No once cares what you think.

Worker 5: My mum does…

Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.

Everyone gasps including Worker 1.

Worker 3: Why did you gasp?

Worker 1: I don’t know.

Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?

Worker 1: What do you mean?

Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?

Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.

Worker 1: I see… the TV…

Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.

Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.

Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.

Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?

Worker 2: Oh nothing…

Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.

Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.

Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.

Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?

Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?

Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…

Worker 2: My point exactly.

Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…

Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.

Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?

Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.

They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.

Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?

Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.

To be continued...

CBM 5: The Very Interesting Wall

2009-11-20T09:08:00.000+08:00

Guy 1: Answer me or I’ll kick you in the head you little midget!

Guy 4 puts his hand on Girl 1’s shoulder.

Guy 4: If you ever feel like people are ignoring you just call me.

Girl 1 slowly grabs his hand and brushes it off her shoulder. She gives him a toothless smile and shakes her head.

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: Sorry were you saying something?

Guy 1: We’re not members of the secret society yet?

Guy 4: Yes… you’re not part of the…

Guy 4 leans forward and looks side to side. Guy 1 looks around confused.

Guy 4: Secret society yet.

Guy 1: Why does everyone keep looking in random directions?

Guy 3: I can answer that… it all started…

Guy 3 turns around and faces the wall with a distance look on his face.

Guy 3: Many years ago…

Guy 1: Oh no! I’m not having another flashback! They’re boring, stupid and distracts the viewer from the total lack of plot so get back to the part about us not being members and stop looking at the wall!

Guy 3: But I’m so happy when I look at walls…

Guy 1: OK fine he can stare at the wall while we talk.

Guy 5: Oh can I stare at the wall too?

Guy 1: Uh… why are you asking me?

Guy 5 shrugs and goes over to the wall with Guy 3.

Guy 5: So… it’s a wall…

Guy 3: Yeah… pretty cool wall?

Guy 5: Are you gay?

Guy 3 looks at him confused.

Guy 3: What?

Guy 5: Ha ha I made you stop looking at the wall.

Guy 3: You are so annoying you know that?

Guy 5 nods.

Guy 4: Yes like I said you’re not part of this…

Guy 1: If you look around the room I’m going to kill you.

Guy 4: Secret… society… yet because you have not gone through… the initiation!

Guy 3 and 5 turn around and go “duh duh duuuhhhh!” before turning back to the wall. Guy 1 looks at them strangely and shakes his head and goes back to looking at Guy 4.

Guy 1: O… K… so…

Guy 2: That was odd.

Guy 1: Yes it was. Thanks for interrupting me.

Guy 2: You’re welcome.

Guy 1: Anyway… initiation… is this going to involve any paddles?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 1: You promise?

Guy 4: Yes! I promise there will be no flamboyantly homosexual spanking with paddles of any kind…

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness… I remember the last time I was initiated into something…

Guy 2 and Girl 1 edge away from Guy 1.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah like I was saying… why should we go through an initiation just for this secret society?

Guy 4: Because I have magic powers and can make it appear like there’s two of me.

Guy 4 walks up next to Guy 4. The clones look at each other up and down and smile.

Guy 4: Wow… I’m pretty good looking…

Guy 4 clicks his hands and points to his clone and vice-versa.

Guy 4: Ehhhh!

Guy 4 puts his hands up to his mouth in the shape of a phone and mouths the words “call me” as the clone walks away.

Guy 1: Interesting…

Guy 2: Wow… to the untrained eye that would’ve looked like a cheap camera trick but it was really actually amazing.

Guy 1: I agree… although that was a bit disturbing…

Guy 2: Quite.

Guy 1: Indeed.

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Shut up!

Guy 1: OK.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: You shut up too!

Guy 2: Sorry.

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Will you stop talking in one-worded sentences before I kill you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: Maybe.

Guy 2: Depends.

Guy 4: OK you two stop talking lets hear from her for a minute shall we?

Guy 4 points to Girl 1. Everyone stares at her and she looks around with her eyes. She looks up as if trying to think and there’s a long pause as everyone continues staring at her. She then opens her mouth and raises a finger as if about to speak.

Guy 1: Nah this is boring let’s get back to the initiation business.

Guy 2: I agree.

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Girl 1 looks shocked and her mouth is wide open. She hits Guy 1 and then crosses her arms and looks straight ahead.

Guy 1: Ow.

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: Indeed.

Guy 4: If you keep this up you’re not getting in.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Guy 4: OK to get through the initiation you must do a series of ridiculously stupid and retarded tasks to make sure you’re absolutely set on being part of the society and to also maintain your insanity excuse.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Cameraman Hi-fives Guy 2 then Guy 1 then goes to Girl 1. She’s still sitting with her arms crossed. She looks at the hand and sighs. She Hi-fives cameraman unenthusiastically and goes back to crossing her arms.

Guy 4: Yes… the following tasks are as such… remember that they are truly moronic and anyone who does these without trying to get into a secret society is a moron… first you must search for aliens in plain sight.

Guy 1 looks uncomfortable.

Guy 4: You must tell everyone the world is ending… you must constantly hang up on telemarketers in ridiculously stupid ways in an attempt to make people laugh, which you will always fail at, you must also beat your teddy bear up with a plastic sword and post it on the internet.

As Guy 4 says these things a short clip of these happening is played between them.

Guy 1: O… K… if we’ve already done these things do we need to do them… again? You know because a friend of mine wants to know.

Guy 4: Your friend is a loser… and yes… you do…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 1 breathes out loudly.

Guy 1: Again? Hmm… o… k… I guess I could… do them again… you know… if it for… you know… a secret society… I guess…

(Long Pause)

Guy 2: Indeed.

Cameraman: Well there’s no way I’m doing those things! I wasn’t even there when they did any of those things!

Guy 4: Yes, well don’t worry girls have a different initiation process.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 4: Yes… because girls are better than you…

Cameraman: I like this already!

Guy 4: It’s also necessary for me to have all the numbers of people in the secret society…

Cameraman: Keep dreaming.

Guy 2: So how’s theirs different to ours?

Guy 4: They basically have to make a pyramid out of cards.

Guy 2: That’s it?

Guy 4: Yeah…

Guy 2: What about equal treatment to men and women?

Guy 4: Yeah we don’t believe in that… I mean seriously it’s obvious that she’s better than you in everyway except for being fat.

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Guy 2: Hey I’m comfortable with the way I look why can’t the rest of the world be?

Cameraman: Because you ate the rest of the world because you’re really fat because you ate lots of people!

Guy 2: Hey I did not- wait… well… define lots…

Cameraman: Make me.

Guy 2: Do small children count?

Cameraman: We’re changing the subject before you get even less dignity.

Guy 2: What dignity? I don’t have any the day I met this guy.

Guy 2 points to Guy 1.

Guy 1: Hey!

Cameraman: Well… you’ll have negative dignity! Oh! Take that!

Guy 3: Hey guess what? The plots developing really slowly!

Guy 2: Hey guess what? Shut up!

Guy 3: That was a bad come back.

Guy 2: You’re mum’s a bad come back.

Guy 3: I don’t even know why I looked away from the wall in the first place…

Guy 3 turns back to the wall only Guy 5 is in the way.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 5 waves.

Guy 3: Oh… now I remember.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 5 continues waving.

To be continued...

CBM 4: A Psycho Cult by any Other Name

2009-11-18T09:33:00.001+08:00

Guy 3: OK… so it is true what they say back at super-special-awesome-secret headquarters… our standards have dropped significantly…

Guy 2: Yes I assume they would’ve seeing how he’s here.

Guy 3: Oh and you as well. Don’t forget that you suck too.

Guy 2: Keep it to yourself you blabbering drunk.

Guy 3: I keep telling you I no longer take drugs of any kind.

Guy 2: Sure… sure… just you keep believing that while the rest of us mock you.

Guy 3: I don’t drink…

(Pause)

Guy 2: Baaaaaaa!

Guy 3: Stop mentioning that will you!?

(Pause)

Guy 2: Baaaaa!

Guy 3: I’ll hit you! I mean… forgive me brother… let us sing songs.

Guy 4: You know you can stop acting like that. We’ve drawn them in.

Guy 2: Huh? What does that mean?

Guy 4: Hey to anyone who isn’t being accepted into the society thinks we’re just some psycho cult because we act like total fruitcakes and go round talking about “peace” and “love” and what not. All the cults and secret societies do it.

Guy 1: You mean when those Moonies said they loved me it was all a lie!?

Guy 4: Yes… they secretly don’t give a (BEEP) about you at all.

(Pause)

Guy 1 starts crying. Girl 1 puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

Guy 4: Stop that.

Guy 1 stops crying.

Guy 1: I’m OK.

Guy 2: So all we know about cults is really a total lie?

Guy 4: Yep… except the bit about them being run by powerful money-hungry and evil corporations.

Guy 1: Oh, well, when you put it like that.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 1: I uh… don’t know… I just felt like talking then… just ignore me from now on.

Guy 4: Gladly. So you see we must make it seem to anyone who has found out you’re part of this secret society that you’re totally insane.

Guy 2: Doesn’t seem too hard we do that all the time.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Guy 2 hi-fives Cameraman. Girl 1 puts out her hand and looks at Guy 2 and he just looks back. She turns to Guy 1 with her hand still out anticipating a Hi-five. He looks at her and waves.

Guy 1: Hello. Did you want something?

Girl 1 motions towards her hand. Guy 1 looks at it.

Guy 1: I’m not giving you money if that’s what you want.

Girl 1 hits her head with her hand and turns away and crosses her arms.

Guy 4: OK so you can all act like a bunch of insane lunatics on call?

Cameraman: You don’t even have to ask.

Guy 4: Good. OK first to join this secret fraternity you must go through an initiation.

Guy 1: Hey wait. What is this? An organization, a cult a society or a fraternity? You keep changing your description of this secret thing actually is!

Guy 4: OK fine. Shall we stick with “Secret Society”?

Guy 2: Yeah I like that.

Guy 1: Yep.

Guy 3: Oh yeah that’s fine with me.

Cameraman: You’re face!

Guy 1: That’s a yes.

Cameraman: HoooWaaaa!

Cameraman slaps Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Hey but cameraman promised!

Cameraman: Cameraman lied…

Guy 4: Enough! Save it for where it’s appropriate… parliament house!

Cameraman: People keep saying that but I never get to go.

Guy 4: OK we will now refer to it as a “Secret Society” and not an organization, fraternity, cult or organization.

Guy 1: You said organisation twice.

Guy 4: Silence!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 goes over and stats waving at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You call this annoying?

Guy 4: It will become annoying after a while… trust me that guy is so annoying sometimes I just want to stand on a couple of phone books and strangle him.

Guy 5 keeps waving.

Guy 1: Yeah I know how you feel… man I want to kill Robert Wadlow so much… thinks he’s better than me because he’s taller than me…

Guy 2: He died over fifty years ago and he doesn’t think he’s better than you because he’s taller he thinks he’s better than you because he is!

Guy 1: Shut up!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 5.

Guy 1: OK you can stop now… hello… yes… hello again… you can stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… please stop… just stop it!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers.

Guy 4: I think he’s suffered enough… for now…

Guy 2: So what is this…?

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society…called?

Guy 4: Well this…

Guy 4 looks side to side.

Guy 4: Secret Society is called the Coo-Coo-Clan.

Everyone in the room gasps besides Guy 4.

(Pause)

Guy 1: Oh… my… gosh! It’s the KKK!

Guy 4: No you moron it’s the CCC! Learn to spell!

Guy 1: Never! That’s the spell-checks job not mine!

Guy 4: From now on you will pay attention to the spell checker and spell words like “cat” without any numbers or exclamation marks halfway through. The only word spelt with a “6” is the word “garwsh”.

Cameraman: Told you so!

Guy 2: Ha ha! You got told!

Guy 1: Hey shut up you spell worse then me!

Guy 2: But your handwriting is harder to read.

Guy 1: Then we’re equal.

Guy 2: Agreed.

Cameraman: Fags.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2: It’s that time of the month… you know… when the local electronics shop has a sale and she still doesn’t have enough money to buy a new camera because we don’t pay her…

Guy 1: Aaaah!

Guy 3: Hang on. I have a problem and I want to share it.

Guy 1: Hey I don’t want anymore diseases. I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship… again.

Guy 2: Neither am I.

Guy 3: No not that kind of problem you morons.

Guy 2: Then refill your prescription what do you need us for?

Guy 3: I mean I have a problem with the name!

Guy 2: Ooooohh! That kind of problem! Makes so much sense now!

Guy 3: Yeah! My problem is that it’s the coo-coo-clan and not the coo-coo-secret-society.

Everyone stares at Guy 3.

Guy 4: That’s because the coo-coo-secret-society is a retarded name!

Guy 5: I agree.

Guy 4: I didn’t say you’re allowed to talk.

Guy 3: Well maybe we should change it to something else…

Guy 4: So you’re saying a top-secret society that hasn’t changed in the past hundred years should change its name just so you don’t have a problem with it?

Guy 3: Yes…

Guy 4: All opposed to beating this guy?

He turns to everyone and they just sit there doing nothing.

Guy 4: OK.

Guy 3: You can’t do that!

Guy 4: I was kidding we’re not going to hurt you…

Guy 1: You were kidding!? I didn’t know this!

Guy 2: Hey! That’s unfair! I honestly thought he was going to be beaten!

Cameraman: This is an outrage!

Guy 4: Everyone calm down!

Guy 2: As members of this…

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society… I think we should be allowed to democratically make it so this guy can get beaten up whenever we feel like it.

Guy 4: Well you’re not members yet.

Girl 1 gasps.

Guy 4: Oh wow you’re still here. You haven’t moved much in the past half an hour have you?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 4: Yeah I know how you feel always being ignored.

Guy 1: Ahem.

Guy 4: No body acknowledges your existence.

Guy 1: Excuse me you were saying?

Guy 4: I mean it must be really infuriating having people ignore you like that.

Girl 1 shakes her head agreeably with what Guy 4 is saying.

Guy 1: We’re not members of the society but…

(Pause)

Guy 4: I just hate it when I’m ignored…

Guy 1: Gah!

To be continued...

CBM 3: The Boston Tea Party

2009-11-16T09:29:00.003+08:00

Authors Note: How good is your Australian history/politics? John Howard a short bald man with large eyebrows and Australia's federation was 1901. We were a country! Yay!

Guy 1 is standing outside the local shops with a sandwich board saying, “The End of The World is Nigh!” on it. A person walks past him.

Guy 1: Yeah you better keep walking because the world is ending.

A person walks up to him.

Person: Hey man.

Guy 1: Hey.

Person: Still trying to tell people the world is ending?

Guy 1: Yeah it’s really hard no on believes a word I say.

Person: Maybe because you’ve been standing in the same spot every Saturday saying the same thing. You’d think it would’ve ended by now.

Guy 1: Yeah… but hey one day I’ll be right.

Person: Good luck with that! See you next week.

Guy 1: And you… oh by the way what’s the time?

Person: Oh it’s uh…

The person looks at their watch.

Person: Nearly noon.

Guy 1: Oh no I’m late. Thanks!

Guy 1 walks off and the person shakes their head and mutters to themselves.

Person: Strange retarded kid…

Guy 1 runs down the path and takes off his sandwich board. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a piece of paper and looks at it. He crosses the road and starts walking up a street when he meets up with Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey man, are you sure this is the right way?

Guy 2: Yeah it says on this map.

Guy 2 shows Guy 1 a map with a few trees and buildings poorly drawn on it with an arrow pointing to one of the houses.

Guy 1: Wow this is a pretty good map.

Guy 2: Yeah I know!

They walk down the street and turn and look at the house. It’s Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: What the?

Guy 1: Yeah I know… it’s a total piece of junk…

Guy 2: No… this is my house… it’s my house!

Guy 1: Yeah… a piece of junk.

Guy 2: But I left from this house then followed the map.

Guy 2 gets out the map and looks at it then turns it over. On the back it says “Yes I know just go in anyway.”

They walk in and Guy 3 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch. Guy 3 gets up and shows them to the couch.

Guy 1: Yes I can get to the couch by myself.

Guy 2: I can’t.

The Guys sit down and Guy 3 steps up next to the entrance.

Guy 3: Let me introduce… the leader!

Guy 3 points his arms in the direction of the dining room. Guy 1 and 2 stare and nothing happens.

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 and 2 look down.

Guy 4: Hello.

Guy 1: Go away shorty we’re waiting for the leader.

Guy 4 stands there patiently.

Guy 3: Uh I think you’ll find that-

Guy 1: Bah bah bah! I’m waiting for the leader…

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 leans closer to Guy 4.

Guy 1: Yes Mr. Midget? Are you lost?

Guy 4 grabs Guy 1 by the collar.

Guy 4: Listen retard I am the leader!

Guy 1 looks scared for a second as he looks at Guy 4’s angry face but then bursts out laughing and falls over and hits the floor.

(Pause)

Guy 1 continues laughing. Guy 4 starts kicking him.

Guy 4: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Guy 1: Bahahahaha! But it’s- Ow! - So - ow! – Funny! Ow!

A small Asian steps in and starts poking Guy 1.

Guy 1: What’s going on? Why is he poking me?

Guy 4: He’s my bodyguard. He doesn’t hurt people who insult or disobey me he just annoys the hell out of them until they give in.

Guy 1: OK fine! Please just make him stop!

Guy 4: You! Stop!

The Asian stands up and salutes Guy 4.

Asian: Yes master.

Guy 1 scrambles to his feet.

Guy 1: So why again are we here?

Guy 4: We are here so you can join the most secretive and powerful organizations in the history of the federation of Australia.

Guy 1: Oh “The World” was already taken by the Freemasons was it?

Guy 4: Silence! Only I may talk while I am talking! And no, it was the cult of Walmart.

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Asian (Guy 5) goes over and ruffles Guy 1’s hair continuously.

Guy 1: Fine! Sorry now make this strange person stop!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 stops.

Guy 4: Ok… long before the Federation of Australia lots of very important and amazing things happened such as the Declaration of Independence was signed in America, the American civil war, The Boston Tea Party and Man walked on the moon.

Guy 2: Uh I beg to differ…

Guy 4: Yes?

Guy 2: I disagree on one thing, which I think is pretty obvious to everyone in this room and probably the rest of the world… The Boston Tea Party wasn’t actually that amazing.

Guy 1: Oh yes I agree.

Cameraman: Yeah I mean seriously come on!

Guy 4: OK fine. All in favour of excluding the Boston Tea Party from the list of amazing and important things say “Ai!”

Everyone says “Ai!”

Guy 4: OK. Now none of those things actually matter because they’re all American and have nothing to do with the story so forget they ever happened.

Guy 1: So you’re saying America is run by the British, endorses slavery and never walked on the moon?

(Pause)

Guy 4: Yes. They also enjoy tea and have taxes for playing cards.

Guy 1: Oh OK just want to make sure that’s all. Please continue.

Guy 4: OK so then one day Australia broke free from mother England and many people were opposed to this idea… so we created this organization that continues to pay respect to England in all it’s glory.

Guy 1: Well I’m out.

Guy 1 gets up but Girl 1 and Guy 2 grab him and pull him back onto the couch.

Guy 1: Or… not…

Guy 4: But rejecting the way of life the government chooses for us is never enough for us.

Guy 2: It never is… it just never is…

Guy 4: So we decided to take over the government in secret.

Cameraman: Gasp! My word! Really?

Guy 4: And so we succeeded and have secretly been ruling the country in the Name of the Queen ever since…

Guy 1: Bravo! My word what a jolly good job you’ve done old fellow! Brilliant!

Guy 4: Please do not mock the British way of speaking.

Guy 1: Sorry…

Guy 2 puts his hand up and Guy 3 puts a mike near him and he takes it away and speaks into it.

Guy 2: But how does this benefit us?

Guy 4: I’m glad you asked that question. You see most people aren’t happy with a short annoying man ruling their country. If you join me you won’t have to serve under an annoying midget anymore you’ll just have to serve under me.

Guy 1: I fail to see the advantage in that.

Guy 2: Sh! Maybe if we join we can get rid of John Howard!

Guy 4: No sorry he’s made a deal with the devil to rule your country for the next twenty years. I’m sorry but even we can’t go against Satan.

Guy 1: You (BEEP)! You promised us power and now we have to serve under Satan too!?

Guy 4: I never promised you power I promised you the ability to serve under me and we don’t take orders from Satan. We asked him nicely to go away and he did… we also gave him some flowers… he thought it was a kind gesture but he said they’d burn up in hell. True story.

Girl 1 raises one of her eyebrows.

Guy 1: Of course… ask nicely… so that’s why people keep punching me in the face…

Cut to: Kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey! Give me some food or die!

Guy 1 gets punched in the face.

Cut to: Outside.

Guy 1: Hey! Pass me the ball because you suck!

The ball hits Guy 1 in the head.

Cut to: Living room.

Guy 4: Uh… huh… yeah OK just remember that for the future.

Guy 1: Oh nah I can’t… not after flashback number two… those basketballs are pretty hard.

Guy 2: It’s also fun to throw them!

To be continued...

CBM 2: Kah-Mah-Ra-Mahn-Fu

2009-11-14T10:38:00.001+08:00

Guy 1 starts walking away to get the permanent markers.

Cameraman: Oh no you don’t. If you draw on her face I’ll kill you with Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu!

Guy 1: Aww!

Guy 2: Hey I’ve been researching that martial art on wikipedia… and turns out that it isn’t actually lethal; monks use it to carry water over long distances.

(Pause)

Cameraman: What the heck are you talking about?

Guy 2: Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu.

Cameraman: It’s real? I was making that up to scare you- I mean… yes… I can carry water over long distances.

Guy 2: OK well if I ever need someone to carry water and my camel breaks down I’ll call you.

Cameraman: Wait… did you just call me a camel?

Guy 2: Uh… let’s just wake her up.

Guy 2 walks over to Girl 1 and leans near her. Guy 2 cups his hands over his mouth.

Guy 2: Wake up!

Girl 1 whacks him in the face and springs up at the same time. She looks around; a grunt comes from the floor and she looks at the floor where Guy 2 is lying. Girl 1 puts here hands over her mouth in shock.

Guy 2: OK you’re awake now…

Guy 3: Let us all rejoice that she is with us once again.

Guy 1: Hey cameraman! Can I draw on him instead?

Cameraman: Mmmm… maybe.

Guy 3: Let’s all join hands in song.

Cameraman: Wait no it’s a definite yes.

The Guys grab Guy 3 and hold him down.

Guy 2: Get a pen!

Guy 3: No! You draw on me and I will never tell you the secret to untold power!

Guy 1: Oh I’m not falling for that one again.

Guy 2: No wait! The stoned weirdo might be telling the truth!

Guy 1: No I’m the one that says the stupid thing you’re the one that tries to talk me out of it.

Guy 2: Well it’s a movie I can do anything I want.

Guy 1: What are you talking about?

Guy 2: Uh… so untold power you say?

Guy 3: Yes.

The Guys let Guy 3 go. Guy 3 climbs to his feet. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of folded paper that he gives to Guy 2.

Guy 3: Here’s an address. Go there tomorrow at noon.

Guy 3 walks away and closes the door behind him. There’s complete silence in the room.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: We still have nearly six hours to kill.

Guy 2: (BEEP)! So what now?

The Guys look at each other and then slowly turn their heads towards Girl 1. Girl 1 is sitting on the couch doing nothing. She back looks at them with a look of slight worry.

Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Guy 1: Yeah…

Guy 2: Let’s get pizza.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah that’s what I was thinking.

Guy 2: Wait… what were you thinking?

Guy 1: (Ashamed) I was thinking we should have a volleyball tournament.

Guy 2: That is the stupidest idea ever! We need four people.

Cameraman: Hey!

Guy 2: No offence… but you’re not exactly a person. You’re more like… a camera with arms and legs.

Cameraman: Racist! Just because I was born with nothing but arms and legs!

Guy 1: Unbelievable… racism against people who only have arms, legs and cameras is even worse then racism against Lego people…

Guy 2: I didn’t mean it like that!

Cameraman: You’re so racist!

Guy 1: Yeah!

Girl 1 is rubbing her index finger with her other index finger to cast shame.

Guy 2: Fine! I apologise cameraman for implying that you’re only use is a cameraman and you’re actually a person no different then anyone else.

Cameraman: Good.

Guy 2: Now can we order pizza?

Guy 1: OK.

Less then thirty minutes later (or their money back)

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 2 opens it. Guy 3 is on the other side.

Guy 2: You’re not the pizza guy… or are you?

Guy 3: No. I just forgot to mention not to bring anyone besides you three with you tomorrow.

Guy 2: Fine yeah whatever can I have pizza now?

Guy 3: I’m not the pizza guy.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 3: Can I have a hug brother?

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 2 starts walking away from the door but there’s another knock. He opens it and a man (Guy 1 dressed differently to save on actors) holding pizza is there.

Guy 2: Hey thanks.

Pizza Guy: Enjoy your… pizza! Hahaha!

Pizza Guy puts his pinky in the corner of his mouth.

(Pause)

Guy 2: O… K… I will.

Pizza Guy: Oh…

Pizza Guy holds out his hand. Guy 2 looks at it then back at him.

Guy 2: I’m not giving you a hug.

Pizza Guy: No I want a tip.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 2 slams the door on the Pizza Guy and brings the boxes into the living room.

Guy 1: And then she shot the fuel tank causing the car to explode and thus successfully saving a small Brazilian town from an evil gang leader.

Girl 1 nods slowly and has a look of contemplation on her face.

Guy 2: Pizza’s here.

Girl 1 perks up and quickly runs towards Guy 2 and grabs a pizza box. She smiles and turns around. She opens it and sees nothing. She slowly closes it again and turns around. She holds up the box and throughs it to the ground and storms off and sits down on the couch. She crosses her arms and pouts.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2 looks in one of the boxes.

Guy 2: They’re all empty! That son of a-

Guy 2 looks out the window and Pizza Guy is standing near the gate.

Pizza Guy: Haha! Sucker! The psychic pizza guy strikes again! No tip! No pizza!

Guy 2: What a total moron…

Guy 1: I agree.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 who snuck up next to him.

Guy 2: You’re too close.

Guy 1: Oh sorry.

Guy 1 moves away and The Guys sit back down on the couch with Girl 1 who is still angry.

Guy 2: So we’ve got about 5 hours, no pizza and nothing to do…

Guy 1: Lets-

Guy 2: If you say “Get drunk” I’ll kill you.

Guy 1: But no listen, if we just-

Guy 2: No. No. Nnnnno.

Guy 1: But-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Stop talking-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: To me like-

Guy 2: Down. No.

Guy 1: I’m a dog!

Guy 2: Make me.

(Pause)

Guy 1: I don’t like you.

Guy 2: I don’t care.

To be Continued

Crazybilby the Movie 1: 6 hours and Nothing to Do

2009-11-12T21:38:00.004+08:00

Introduction time! OK this was written about... a long time ago. I'm sure about two years ago at the very least. It was back when John Howard was still Prime Minister of Australia which to foreign people might not mean anything but pay attention because you have to remember that to realise how exactly this script is slightly outdated. Yes, one of the plot devices is specific to a certain time which isn't really normal for scripts I write. (Hell, we still haven't even determined the age of the characters as of yet) Well it was intended to be a feature length film divided into sections for my youtube channel but never made it so that's why it's called "The Movie" but is technically as long as The Holiday is going to end up as. (I swear I'm going to finish that soon! I've FINALLY graduated from Highschool so I have free time now!) A few references you won't get unless you've seen my old videos but who cares. Not important you'll probably pick them up. Basically this is very "universe" styled... well the cruder version of it. This blog is meant to come to some coherent idea of what this universe should be but I have yet to develop it properly. Anyhoo, basically cameraman has more of a presence in this one and you'll get the whole idea of just how weird her character actually is. We also learn more about Guy 1's true name and how aware they are of the 4th wall. So let's all remember that this was written when I was young and hasn't got the coherent and more refined style and humour of my more recent things. I still laugh at it though because I'm me.

Enjoy!

Oh yeah, plus each one has a name. This one is entitled "6 Hours and Nothing to Do". Some of them have internal references or even obscure pop-references so tell me what they are if you can!

Chapter 1: “6 hours and nothing to do”
Length: 6.5 pages.

Guy 2 is sleeping when all of a sudden a phone rings. He slowly reaches for the phone and picks it up and puts it to his ear before turning it the right way round.

Guy 2: Whoever this is, I just want you to know that I hate you and you are the biggest loser who has ever rung me up.

Guy 1: Hey man! Sorry I didn’t catch that bit was it important?

Guy 2: Ugh… what is it?

Guy 1: Just wanted to know if the party is still on.

Guy 2: Yes! Can I sleep now?

Guy 1: Oh and one more thing.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: When are we going to make another video?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Come on it’s been ages since we made a video for youtube.

Guy 2: That’s because last time we tried making a video you managed to kill my dog, make a feeble attempt to replace it with a cat and then shot my neighbour with a gun! Do you know how hard that is considering that it was a toy gun?

(Pause)

Guy 1: Well not hard enough obviously.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Guy 2 falls back onto the bed.

Guy 2: Goodbye.

Guy 2 hangs up and checks his alarm clock. It says 12:30.

Guy 2: I can’t believe it’s 12:30… I could’ve slept for four more hours!

Guy 2 lies down.

4 hours and 5 minutes later.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch doing nothing. The clock is ticking.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: This everyone?

Guy 2: Looks like it.

Guy 1: I thought you said more people were coming…

Guy 2: They were… until they found out you were coming. Seriously everyone hates you why don’t you realise this?

Guy 1: Oh I have lots of friends… like… her…

Guy 1 points to Girl 1.

Girl 1: Hmm?

Guy 2: You’re really his friend?

Girl 1 nods and Guy 1 turns away. Girl 1 turns to Guy 2 and quickly shakes her arms and mouths the word “no”.

Guy 2: So what are we going to do now?

Guy 1: Dunno. Any suggestions?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 2: How about you cameraman? Got any suggestions?

Cameraman: Your face!

Guy 1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! It’s funny because you have a face!

Cameraman: How ‘bout you shut up?

Guy 1: You’ve changed cameraman… ever since we got a tripod you haven’t been the same…

Cameraman: Yeah well… you suck! Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1 in the face.

Guy 2: Come on we have to think of something to do we can’t just sit here beating this guy up for the next six hours.

Cameraman: Yeah we can.

Guy 1 gets back up and Cameraman punches him again. Guy 1 starts cowering.

Guy 1: Please don’t hurt me! I only wanted a perfect world!

Cameraman: So did Hitler!

Cameraman punches him again.

Guy 2: Cameraman! Save it for where it’s appropriate… gyms, home, football fields and parliament house.

Cameraman: I’m sorry… I wont do it anymore… often…

Guy 2: That’s all I ask…

Guy 1: Well we still need something to do for the next six hours…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1.

Guy 2: So… come here often?

Girl 1 edges away from Guy 2 to get away from him.

Guy 1: Ha ha suck!

Girl 1 looks at Guy 1 and shakes her head slowly.

Cameraman: I think you’re both pathetic. You already have a girlfriend.

Guy 1: Yes but she’s off in Africa trying to liberate the children coal minors from the evil reign of Emperor Mguntu. Everyday I received a bloodstained letter telling me how she’s doing…

Guy 1 looks at the ceiling with a distant look. Girl 1 and Guy 2 look at him and then at each other and shrug. Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face. Guy 1 slowly turns to face Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hm?

Girl 1 opens her mouth and is about to speak when there’s a knock at the door and she turns around and looks at it.

Guy 2: Oh finally someone interesting to talk to!

Guy 1: Hey! What about us?

Guy 2: Well… no offence but you’re the least funny and boring person I’ve ever met and you…

Guy 1 turns to Girl 1 who is looking shocked.

Guy 2: Well… you know…

Guy 2 opens the door and Guy 3 is standing there.

Guy 3: My brother!

Guy 3 holds out his arms and Guy 2 just looks at him.

Guy 2: Uh… do you want something?

Guy 3 just stands there with his arms wide open as if anticipating a hug.

Guy 2: If you want money you’re not getting any.

Guy 3: I want a hug brother.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 3 lowers his arms and Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey wait, why are you calling me brother?

Guy 3: I have come to spread joy to your household.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Have you been taking marijuana again?

Guy 3: No of course not. You know I drink heavily instead.

Guy 2: Strange… you don’t look drunk you haven’t fallen over… yet…

Guy 3: I’m quitting.

Guy 2: Yeah you keep saying that but we don’t believe a word you say after the little incident… you know… the sheep?

Guy 3: I’m not a New Zealander I keep telling you. But that’s OK I forgive you.

Guy 2: Dude seriously what have you been smoking? Because it smells like ham…

Guy 3: That would be the ham I just ate.

Guy 2: You smoke ham? OK whatever floats your boat. Come on in making fun of you, while you’re obviously intoxicated, is going to be fun.

Guy 2 lets Guy 3 in and leads him into the living room. Guy 1 has his hands on Girl 1’s shoulders.

Guy 2: Hey guess who’s here?

Guy 1 quickly takes his hands off Girl 1.

Guy 1: I swear I never touched her below the belt!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: OK whatever. Someone finally came to this boring party and guess what? He’s seriously high or something!

Guy 1: You told me you didn’t have any more marijuana! Not that I uh… need any…

Guy 3: Brothers let us rejoice for it truly is a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Wow you’re right. Nobody who isn’t intoxicated would say something happy like that.

Guy 2: Yeah… OK you shut up now emo.

Guy 1: I’m not emo! I swear I don’t know how those cuts got on my arm!

Guy 2: Sure you don’t.

Cameraman: Yeah remember that day you borrowed my razor? I still haven’t got it back…

Guy 1: I lost it… in a volcano.

Guy 3: Please brothers do not fight.

Cameraman: My cameraman senses are tingling… I’m getting a weird vibe from this guy… he seems different then normal stoned people… don’t you agree?

Girl 1 nods her head quickly.

Guy 2: So why are you so happy?

Guy 1: I thought you were sure it was drugs.

Guy 2 slaps Guy 1 and Guy 1 falls down to the ground.

Guy 2: Never question cameraman’s cameraman sense! It has saved my life once…

Guy 2 turns and looks up at the ceiling. Guy 1 gets up and looks at the ceiling with him and looks confused.

Guy 1: That’s uh… a light… bulb…

Guy 2: Shh I’m having a flashback… nnnnnnnnow.

The screen fades away and becomes blurry and comes back near a road. Guy 2 walks up to the side of the road.

Cameraman: Stop! My cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 2 stops and a car passes.

Guy 2: Gasp! Thankyou cameraman! You’ve saved my life!

Guy 2 gives a thumbs-up and winks at the camera.

Cameraman: Hi-three!

Cameraman holds out her hand and Guy 2 hits his palm against hers.

Cameraman: That was five! Here’s two back!

Cameraman pokes Guy 2’s eyes. Guy 2 falls back and screams.

Cut to: Living room. Guy 1 is snapping his fingers in front of Guy 2’s face.

Guy 1: Hey snap out of it. You’ve been having a flashback for the past ten minutes now and we’re all very bored.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh sorry…

Guy 2 turns around and sees Guy 3 sitting down on the floor. He picks up his hand and lets it drop. Girl 1 is sleeping on the couch.

Guy 2: Aw that’s so cute look at her sleeping… let’s draw stuff on her face.

Guy 1: OK you stay here I’ll get the permanent marker.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 8

2009-10-28T22:39:00.006+08:00

Guy 1 and Sally are on the front lawn repainting the old lemonade stand. Andrew walks up.

Andrew: Selling lemonade I see... that reminds me of the time I was in Afghanistan trying to haggle with a local shopkeeper over the price of a hat. I nearly got him down to a low enough price for me to buy it...

Sally: I didn’t know you’ve gone to Afghanistan. When was this?

Andrew: It was just after I had visited the pyramids of Egypt.

Sally: I don’t remember you ever mentioning going to Egypt...

Andrew: Didn’t I? Oh. Well I did.

Sally: Right.

Andrew: Hey you do realise that if you’re selling lemonade you’ll be in direct competition with those McCloud boys across the street right?

Across the street three young boys stared intently at Sally.

Child 2: Do we have enough money to get her whacked?

Child 3: We have... uh... three dollars and fifty cents. Do you think if we combine all our pocket money for a month we’ll get enough?

Child 2: I doubt it...

Child 1: What should we do?

Child 2: Increase the nicotine content!

Child 2 takes a puff from a cigarette.

Back at the other side of the street Guy 1 was painting the wood.

Guy 1: Hey is this paint meant to taste sweet?

Sally: No. That means it’s got lead in it. It also means you’re doing your job wrong. Why are you tasting the paint?

Guy 1: Why are you stifling my creativity?

Sally: Because I want to.

Guy 1: OK then.

They both laugh.

Sally: But seriously though, don’t eat the paint...

Guy 1: OK.

Gary and Guy 2 walk out of the house.

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: What you doing?

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 2: Are you copying me.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: He said no.

Guy 2: Right... anyway, selling lemonade?

Guy 1: No we’re going to change the sign and sell this.

Guy 1 passes him the bottle of pizza juice and Guy 2 takes a sip.

Guy 2: Wow! This tastes like pizza! It’s so good, I love it. I love it like I would a child if it brought me pizza instead of asking to be cared for.

Guy 1: Well when we get home we’ll buy you a slave orphan.

Guy 2: Thanks. Hey, Gary is going to show me the local area so we’ll be gone for a bit. Bye.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Bye Gary!

They all wave goodbye to each other and Gary and Guy 2 walk off.

Sally: Those two are getting along well. Hey! What did I say about tasting the paint?

Guy 1: My hand slipped!

Sally: Sure it did.

Guy 1: I have poor motor functions. Hey, do you think we could also sell this paint too?

Sally smiles and shakes her head.

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Aww... Hey uh... can you help me out of this paint can? My hand is stuck.

Sally: How did it get stuck?

Guy 1: I don’t know.

Sally: How very Winnie the Pooh of you.

Guy 1: We must think think think.

Guy 1 taps his head with the hand currently stuck in the paint can.

Guy 1: Ow.

Sally: Or you could unclench yours fist and slip out of the can.

The paint can falls off Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Andrew: You know I remember when I was in Africa how these tribesmen showed me a method of catching baboons by making a hole in a tree, putting something edible in there and letting the baboon reach in and grab it. It’s clenched fist was too large to get out and in the momentary confusion the men would jump out from hiding and grab the creature.

Guy 1: Oh good I’m being compared to a monkey.

Andrew: And losing. At least the monkey was after food.

Sally: Aww don’t worry I’m sure if you were to fight a monkey you’d come out on top.

Andrew: Baboons are very vicious creatures. I doubt it.

Sally: Aww don’t be so mean!

Sally hugs Guy 1.

Guy 1: Yeah... geez...

Sally: Did my father hurt your feelings?

Guy 1: (pause) yes.

Sally: Haha. Awww.

Sally hugs Guy 1 again and they both smile.

Sally: Come on let’s get this stall up before midday.

And that’s exactly what they did. They had painted the entire stand, gotten rid of the cobwebs, and found a place to put it near a footpath. Soon someone walked past holding a lamp.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: Why are you holding a lamp?

Man: Because it is my best friend.

Guy 1: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.

Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The man skips away. A second person arrives who looks exactly like the previous man but isn’t holding a lamp.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: Aren’t... you the person from 10 seconds ago only.... where’s your lamp?

Man: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.

Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The Man walks off completely normally.

Guy 1: That... was... huh?

A third man who is identical in every way to the previous one only holding a bunch of golf clubs walks up.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: (Pause) OK... you’re the guy from before only you’ve put down your lamp now have you?

Man: Lamp? What lamp?

Guy 1: The lamp! The lamp!

Man: (To Sally) is there a me-

Sally: No.

Guy 1: WE’RE SELLING PIZZA JUICE!

Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

Guy 1: Come back here! I want to know where your lamp is!

As the man turns the corner the man with the lamp walks up to them from the opposite direction.

Guy 1: AGGHHH!!! LAMP!

Man: Yes. Do you want it?

Guy 1: But... but it’s your best friend.

Man: No it’s not. That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The Man does a cartwheel as he leaves.

Guy 1: But... but... agghhh! My head hurts!

Sally: This is very odd.

Guy 1: (nearly crying) There’s so many... so many...

Sally: I feel like Samuel Beckett is writing my life...

Guy 1: Or someone less famous but aspiring to be just as great...

Sally and Guy 1 pause and look straight forward at some imaginary point with a look on their faces before going back to what they were doing before.

Meanwhile, around the corner two of the triplets stood there giggling to themselves. The third triplet comes round holding his lamp.

Man 1: He’s breaking down!

Man 2: HAHAHAHA!

Man 3: Oh man this prank is hilarious! Let’s go find someone else to play it on.

Man 1: Haha! I swear his mind was about to explode!

Back at the pizza juice stand Guy 1 was shaking his head.

Guy 1: This country doesn’t make sense.

A person walks past.

Person: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: It’s... p... p... pizza juice...

Person: Uh... and what is that?

Guy 1: Try it. It tastes like pizza.

Guy 1 slowly hands the person some juice.

Guy 1: I know what you look like now. You can’t fool me.

Person: I wasn’t going to...

Sally: Just ignore him. He’s gone through a really traumatic experience.

Person: So that’s why he hasn’t blinked once or moved his eyes away from me since I said hello.

Sally: Yes. Just drink the juice. It’s really good.

The person takes a sip.

Person: Mmmm. This is really good.

Sally: If you want more you’ll need to pay.

Person: Of course.

The person hands over some money and leaves with pizza juice.

Person: Thanks!

Guy 1: If you come back you better be you and not someone who just looks like you!

Person: I’m walking away!

Sally: I think you’re not good with customer services.

Guy 1: What makes you say that?

Sally: Your lack of social skills. But don’t worry, I’ll be the head of the business and you can be in charge of numbers...

Guy 1 looks at her blankly.

Sally: No... OK no you can be... OK just stand here and look cute.

Guy 1: As in dress in baby clothes?

Sally: Hahaha- no. (Pause) There, there.

Sally pats Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Sally: OK! It’s enterprising time. We should get the word out about this pizza juice instead of just expecting people to walk past this calm suburban street.

Guy 1: Why?

Sally: Because it’s a calm suburban street. Nothing... happens here.

Guy 1: Oh. Oh yeah.

Sally: OK let’s brainstorm on marketing strategies.

Guy 1: Sky writing.

Sally: Mmmm no. Think smaller.

Guy 1: Ceiling writing?

Sally: Nearly. But feel free to break into people’s houses and write “Pizza Juice” on their ceilings.

Guy 1: (Happy) You mean I have permission?

Sally: Uh... sure. I was thinking maybe making pamphlets.

Guy 1: Like the ones at the doctors?

Sally: Have you ever read one of the pamphlets at the doctors?

Guy 1: No...

Sally: Ah. Well no, not like them.

Guy 1: OK.

Sally: You have a lot to learn in life don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes. I most likely do.

Sally: Well come on, perhaps I’ll teach you a few things while we design our promotional materials.

Sally leads Guy 1 back to her home and designs some promotional leaflets and advertising materials. As they make their way back to the stall Guy 1 listens to Sally as she enlightens him about the world.

Guy 1: Ahhhh! So that’s how taps work!

Sally: Yes. So water is no longer that mysterious magical thing made by clouds and taps?

Guy 1: I knew that! I just didn’t know how the pipe system worked.

Sally: Sure... your question was totally a clever disguise for you not knowing how water was made.

Guy 1: I think you’re reading too much into this.

Sally: Maybe I am. Now go young one! Distribute these advertisement materials to the public!

Guy 1: We keep referring to them as different things. Advertisement materials, promotional materials, pamphlets, leaflets, it’s confusing.

Sally: No it’s not. No one will care trust me.

Guy 1: OK.

Sally: So go out and knock on some doors. Don’t be shy this place is pretty friendly. I’ll man the stand and serve any customers that come.

Guy 1 walks off to find a suitably inviting household to knock on the door of. He walks up to one a few streets down and a blonde girl, about 18 or 19 answers the door.

Girl: Hello, how may I help you?

Guy 1: I’m handing out these promotional leaflets to inform you about the pizza juice stand that’s just over that way. We’re... selling it. It’s really good.

Girl: Pizza juice?

Guy 1: Yeah. It’s juice, but it tastes like pizza! It’s really awesome.

Girl: What kind of pizza? Hawaiian? Meat lovers? Vegetarian?

Guy 1: Well... obviously not Meat lovers no.

Man: (From within the house) Who’s that?

Girl: It’s some foreign guy with...

Guy 1: Advertising materials.

Girl: For... pizza juice.

Man: He’s got what?

Guy 1: A promotional pamphlet.

Man: Like from the doctors?

Guy 1: No.

Girl: Wait, is this a pamphlet, leaflet, or advertisement?

Guy 1: What?

Girl: You keep using different terms for it.

Guy 1: Curse you Sally! You lied to me!

Girl: Huh?

Guy 1 hands her a leaflet and runs away.

Girl: Your marketing strategy sucks! Running away yelling is not good business conduct!

Guy 1: I don’t care! And I’m not yelling!

Girl: You are now!

Guy 1: Curse you!

Girl: Still not good business conduct!

Man: Who was that?

Girl: I have no idea...

Guy 1 runs up to Sally.

Guy 1: The first house I went to did notice the change in names!

Sally: You didn’t visit the house two streets down, three houses across did you?

Guy 1: (Pause) Maybe.

Sally: Yeah they’re a stickler for language use. Trust me, everyone else won’t mind. But just stick to “promotional leaflet” to avoid confusion. Off you go now.

Guy 1 grudgingly walks back to his route around the nearby houses. He walks up to a dark and foreboding house with dilapidated roof shingles and dead trees in the
garden. He smiles and knocks on the door. Old Lady Patterson opens the door.

Guy 1: It’s you!

Old Lady Patterson: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 1: (Pause) Who are you?

Old Lady Patterson: I’m Old Lady Patterson.

Guy 1: Wait... your name literally is Old Lady Patterson?

Old Lady Patterson: Yes.

Guy 1: Your parents decided when you were born, and were an infant, that they’d call you “Old Lady”?

Old Lady Patterson: Yes.

Guy 1: Right. Well I’m selling pizza juice. What is this new product I hear you say? Well it’s a lovely mixture of juices that create a flavour similar to pizza.

Old Lady Patterson: Don’t you fear me boy?

Guy 1: What?

Old Lady Patterson: You better fear me. Because if I see you riding around in these parts again I’ll get you... you don’t belong here. I shall rise in the night to hunt you down and torture you endlessly unless you flee! Flee from this land and be
banished forthwith! I do not look kindly on strangers in these parts!

Old Lady Patterson shakes her first angrily near his face and holds it there.

Guy 1: Yes but... pizza juice... promotional... thing.

Guy 1 tries to put the pamphlet in her hand but it’s clenched.

Guy 1: Here just... yes take... OK hang on.

He puts down the rest of the pamphlets and then proceeds to try and pry open her hand with both hands.

Guy 1: Just relax... open. Yep, pizza... uh...

He gives up.

Guy 1: You know I’ll just leave it here... on the floor near your feet...

Guy 1 walks away.

Old Lady Patterson: I will find you boy! I will find you!

Guy 1: Why don’t you find some meds!?

Old Lady Patterson: Demon boy!

Guy 1: Everyone I meet is seriously weird.

Guy 1 had decided that after experiencing a sample space of two households that his strategy of talking directly to people wasn’t working. He decided that something new had to be done, something not involving talking to strangers – which as a socially maladjusted individual he preferred.

Half an hour later he returned to the pizza juice stall smiling.

Sally: I suppose you got the message out about this stall?

Guy 1: Oh yes. You did give me permission after all...

Sally smiled, not being completely aware of what he meant.

Meanwhile, the Girl that Guy 1 first visited looked up at her ceiling.

Girl: Dad...

Man: Yeah?

Girl: Someone wrote the words “Pizza juice” on the ceiling... Was it you?

Man: No.

Girl: Oh. Hmm.

She continues to stare at the ceiling.

To be continued...

:)

2009-09-02T22:39:00.000+08:00

A very special thank you toooooooooo dun dun dun! Scully! (No that's not her real name but I'm not sure she wants to be named on the dreaded evil internetz where people stalk the living and prey on the poor spellers) Who answered the call! (As in, the email) to help me recover whatever I can from my harddrive that is now a smoking cracker of silicon. What did she do?

She got me 150 pages of sheer awesomeness... and weirdness. Oh, and two drafts of a short film I wanted to make two and a half years ago. But the point is that 101 pages of that 150 (approx btw) of writings I had writtens (???) were the thing I wanted to post instead of The Holiday Prt 8 in the meantime so I don't have to write anything new while I study for exams and such! I have it BACK! :D I'll try to finish chapter 8 before posting it but I make no promises... the call of cuttlefish beckons me. (I'm thinking about making a cuttlefish related webcomic OK? It's going to be very interesting and hopefully take up less of my time than it needs to.... I like cuttlefish.) So who knows? If I haven't finished writing anything in the next two weeks I shall start posting all 17 chapters to.... (wait for it) *drum roll* Crazybilby The Movie! As it's title suggests: it's feature film length. It's massive, and it's mainly just dialogue. It also is more really Universesque because Cameraman has a massive role in it and it creates a sort of world where the characters know they're characters. It's weird, it's strange, it's funny as anything (I know because I laugh at it when I read it... surely the sign of a good joke is if you can laugh at it yourself right?) and it's... seriously outdated. OK: Spoiler! The major plot twist... doesn't make sense because it's based on a political situation that isn't actually relevant anymore. But let's just say it worked in the end OK?

Have a nice day :)

I'm excited. I have it back. My precioussssss....

Unfortunate Update

2009-08-29T16:04:00.002+08:00

I'm taking time from busily not writing this blog to write an update. I am currently nearing the final exams for year 12 and so I need to spend less and less time online/having fun and more and more time studying and doing work. That's why I haven't posted anything recently or why I won't for a while...

There's also another reason. I blew up my computer.

Yes.

There was smoke and sparks and everything...

We recently got a brand new computer and I was thinking "OK I know that somewhere in my documents there is a file with a virus on it so I don't want to transfer it to the new computer. I want to try and weed it out and transfer select things instead." So I didn't transfer ANY of my documents onto the new computer... everyone else did. Now, I get the old computer all to myself :) Yay! So I'm setting it up in my room and the mouse isn't working so I look at the back of it and "accidentally" flick this incredibly small switch that was labelled "230V" so it faced the way labelled "115V" thus DOUBLING the amount of current the CPU was meant to be taking and so then made the entire thing shortcircuit and stop working COMPLETELY. I tried to hook up the harddrive to another computer but it couldn't read it... it was dead. Completely dead. Everything is gone. All gone... everything I've been working on in my spare time for ages... my unedited youtube videos... Gone. Also, The Holiday Prt 8 is gone... Sure, I had written about 4 lines to it and it wasn't a major loss but I was going to post some other stuff up because I felt like I had been neglecting this blog for too long.

That other stuff is gone too. That other stuff was a major work to write... everything I've ever written is gone. All my song lyrics, poems, stories, ideas, notes on novels, EVERYTHING is gone!

I am not amused...

-Have a nice day :)

The Holiday Prt 7

2009-07-18T10:37:00.005+08:00

Part 1 Here: Part 2 Here: Part 3 Here: Part 4 Here: Part 5 here: Part 6 Here:

Sally leads Guy 1 to the kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Sorry about that embarrassing thing I said to… both your parents.

Sally: Oh.

Guy 1: About the sex.

Sally: Yes I know what you mean.

Guy 1: And having it with you.

Sally: Yes I realise this.

Sally opens the fridge and takes out a few bottles of juice.

Guy 1: I’m very sorry.

Sally smiled.

Sally: No it’s OK! My parents seem to have to ask that to every guy who comes round who isn’t related. You’re the first person who has caught my mother off guard! That was actually pretty hilarious but kinda surprising for me too.

Guy 1: Haha yeah I suppose it would’ve been.

Sally: Haha yeah…

There’s an awkward pause.

Sally: But we’re not going to…

Guy 1: What? Oh. Oh of course not. No…

Sally: Yeah that’d be-

Guy 1: Kinda weird.

Sally: Yeah! Weird, but in a bad way.

Guy 1: Personally I wouldn’t-

Sally: And I wouldn’t…

Guy 1: Yeah…

Sally: Yeah…

Guy 1: So-

Sally: Wait.

Guy 1: Yes?

Sally: Why not?

Guy 1: Sorry?

Sally: You don’t… want to?

Guy 1: Yes! Yes I do! You’re really hot!

Sally recoiled at Guy 1’s enthusiasm.

Guy 1: Oh… I mean-

Sally: Hahaha! You’re very straightforward you know that?

Guy 1: (Shy) Yes.

Sally: Ahhh you’re so interesting. I’d love to get into you…

Guy 1: What!?

Sally: Hahaha! No not that! I meant I want to get inside your head!

Guy 1: Uhh… oh! Oh right…

Sally: You still thought that was dirty didn’t you?

Guy 1: Yes…

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re something special. So, do you like fruit juice?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: Good.

Sally turns around and gets even more bottles of juice from the fridge.

Sally: OK well before you we’ve got orange, apple, mango, pineapple, passionfruit, blackberry and then we’ve got some more in the fridge if you can’t decide between those ones.

Guy 1: Oh. I like this place.

Sally: So what’ll you have?

Guy 1: Just pour some of everything into a large jug.

Sally: OK!

Sally gets out a jug from a nearby cupboard and they both get to work pouring various juices into it. After they’ve finished adding something from every bottle they serve it into two cups.

Sally: OK, you first. You’re the official taste tester.

Guy 1: Awesome! I’ve never been the official anything before.

Sally: Well you are now!

Guy 1 takes a drink from the cup.

Guy 1: Hmmm…

Sally: What?

Guy 1: It tastes like pizza.

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Pizza.

Guy 1 takes another sip.

Guy 1: Very weird pizza.

Sally takes a drink.

Sally: Wow it does. That’s so cool!

Guy 1: Do you have any spare drink bottles?

Sally: Sure.

Sally goes to the cupboard and gets out a drink bottle. Guy 1 pours the juice into it.

Guy 1: There. Portable pizza juice.

Sally: Awesome.

Half an hour later: Sally and Guy 1 are walking through the streets of Charleston.

Guy 1: Hey look it’s an old lady!

Sally: There are lots of them. Oh you’re right! It’s old lady Patterson.

Guy 1: She’s that evil old hunch-backed lady that was sneering at us when we drove in.

Sally: Oh nonsense she’s the kindest soul around. Hey Ms Patterson!

Sally waves. Ms Patterson waves back with a smile.

Sally: See?

Sally continues walking. Guy 1 looks back at the old lady to see her sneering back. She points at Guy 1 then moves her index finger across her throat. Guy 1 runs after Sally, scared.

Guy 1: That lady is crazy.

Sally: Oh no, she hasn’t even slipped into dementia or senility in her old age. She’s completely aware of her surroundings. I don’t think anyone in this town is crazy besides the wizard…

Guy 1: The- wait, what?

Sally: Oh my gosh! A stop sign!

Sally started to dance and shake her head.

Guy 1: Sally?

Sally is still dancing.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: What are you doing?

Sally: Dancing to the stop sign.

Sally finished in a pose.

Sally: Yah!

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I call it the Stop Sign Rock. Pretty cool huh? OK I can tell from your confused look that this needs more explaining. OK basically one night my friends and I were out and about and were slightly drunk. So we’re walking along and Ashley goes “oh my gosh! A stop sign!” and we’re like “whoa!” and Ashley went towards it but tripped. She grabbed onto it with one hand and swung around it and it reminded us of Dancing in the Rain so then we all started dancing. So then every time any of us pass this stop sign we totally rock out. So come on, dance with me.

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s hand and started to jump around with him.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: Yeah. I wonder if my friend is having this much fun.

Sally: Oh with Gary you’re sure to have lots of fun.

Guy 1: For sure.

Cut to: Gary’s room.

Guy 2 was sitting in a beanbag while playing on Gary’s Xbox 360. Gary passed him a can of coke and then picked up the controller.

TV: Player two has joined the game.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah you said it… I have no idea what you said but I know you said it. You know, here I was thinking that you were some creepy psycho mute boy who wanted to kill me when no one was looking and cut me up into pieces… but turns out you’re pretty cool. And harmless!

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: Still don’t understand you.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So you put on a creepy façade for new people to scare them?

Gary nods.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Cool. And Sally knows all about this right?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 2 takes a drink of coke.

Guy 2: I like holidays…

Cut to: The Street.

Sally: And over there was the place where nothing happened.

Guy 1: Wow. This town is fascinating.

Sally: Haha. It is! You never know when you’re going to find something on the ground that wasn’t there before.

Guy 1: Sounds like my house… only a lot larger and with real people living in it.

Sally: What is your house like? Besides… filled with mysterious objects?

Guy 1: Well it’s nice… it’s… pretty hard to get to, even for me.

Sally: You don’t live in a cave on a mountain do you?

Guy 1: Oh there are no mountains where I live. No, not for hundreds of kilometres… I mean miles. But there are a few wonderful hills covered in long yellow grass that go on for ages… the occasional tree can be seen, making patches of green leaves amongst the yellow. Of course the trees don’t grow straight like these… except for the gum trees. Amazing things, they tower above any of these trees in people’s yards.

Sally: You live in the country?

Guy 1: Um… sorta… I spend most of my time in the suburbs and the city… but deep down I always feel like I belong back in the hills.

Sally: I like that. You’re a country boy, you’d fit in here pretty well.

Sally held onto Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Really? Wait… there’s not this strange wall thing with various holes in where I have to be the right shape to be included in right?

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Oh… don’t worry my mind was just in a really weird place just then. You see there was this TV show where people had to make shapes with their bodies to fit into this giant wall that tried to push them into water…

Sally: Haha! Sounds interesting.

Guy 1: No it was actually the most awfully boring show.

Sally: Oh…

Just then, a person walked past.

Guy 1: Hey stop! Do you want to try this?

Guy 1 held out his bottle of pizza juice.

Person: Free juice? Sure! I see why not random stranger!

The person took it and took a sip.

Person: Wow! This is really good! I’d go so far as to say that I want to marry this drink!

Guy 1: That’s pretty amazing feedback.

Person: It tastes like pizza!

Guy 1: I know! It’s pretty cool huh?

Person: I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!

Guy 1: OK now you’re getting really creepy.

The person started stomping their feet.

Person: PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

Guy 1: Er… uhh…

The person suddenly stopped.

Person: Nah I’m just messing with you, I’m not that crazy. Here.

He gave Guy 1 back his bottle.

Person: It’s good. Really good, you could probably sell this stuff.

Guy 1: Thanks.

Person: Hey, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Person: Oh! Wow, I didn’t know they spoke English in Australia… hey do you ride around on Kangaroos?

Guy 1: Yes. We do.

Person: Awesome! Hey, is it true that you force your young to wrestle with the world’s deadliest snakes all at once to make sure only the strongest of your race survive?

Guy 1: (Pause) Yes.

Person: I also heard that next to the Kangaroo and Emoo-

Guy 1: Emu.

Person: Sorry, a what?

Guy 1: Emu. It’s… an Emu. With a u sound.

Person: No, no… an Emoo… tall… bird thing… can’t fly. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, next to the Kangaroo and the Emoo your national animal is considered to be the scorpion…

Guy 1: Uh… no actually it’s the drop bears.

Person: Drop bears?

Guy 1: Oh yeah. You got to be weary of those drop bears. They’re these little bear like things that hide in trees and then drop down on your face and tear off your flesh. What you have to do is smear vegemite behind your ears to ward them off.

Person: Australia really is dangerous… wow… you’ve opened my eyes.

Guy 1: Glad to have helped…

The person walked off.

Sally: You’re really enjoying bulls***ing half this country aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? No I’m being quite serious… my friend warned me about drop bears once. Scared the hell out of me… but thankfully I always put vegemite behind my ears every time I go out into the bush. I like my face… I want to keep it…

Sally: I like your face too.

Sally ran her hand down the front of his face and over his nose.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: Oh just another drunken moment in joke…

Guy 1: So do you get drunk often?

Sally: Only when there’s an occasion…

Guy 1: And are you suggestible when you’re drunk?

Sally: Maaayybee…

Guy 1: Hmm.

Sally: Come on, I’ll race you to the end of this street! 3, 2- go!

Sally started running down the street before Guy 1 could react. He tried his best to catch up.

Sally: Haha I’m beating you!

Sally wins the race.

Guy 1: Oh man I need a drink from all that running…

Guy 1 takes a drink of the pizza juice.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh it tastes like pizza!

Sally: Yeah, you knew that already.

Guy 1: Yeah but it’s just so darn amazing I had to mention it again. Hey do you think that guy back there was serious when he said we could probably sell this stuff?

Sally: Probably. We could find out! I’ve got an idea. Super-awesome-finding-out-go!

Sally walks off with one of her arms outstretched.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary.

Guy 2: (long pause) HEADSHOT! (Long pause) son of a…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: No Gary, the shotgun is mine.

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK how come I can get punctuation but not actual words? Just how do you click an exclamation mark?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Whas that an explanation? Was it? Dammit! Explain to me how to understand that other explanation!

Gary sighs. It would obviously take some time for Guy 2 to realise the flaw in his plan. He decided just to monotonously click to distract Guy 2 while he shot him in the back and stole the shotgun.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh… yeah… uh huh…

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Cut to: Guy 1 and Sally in the garage.

Guy 1: Oh what’s your plan Sally? Is it interesting? Will it bring the boys to the yard and be better than mine?

Sally: Damn right it’s better than yours! Your idea was to spray people on the street with juice and then charge them for dry cleaning.

Guy 1: It could’ve worked.

Sally: Haha no. No it wouldn’t have.

Sally rummaged through the various pieces of junk and memorabilia from her childhood that had accumulated in the garage over the years. She finally got through to the back where a large object lay hidden underneath a large cloth.

Sally: My idea is simple. I present to you-

She took off the cloth in one large swish which knocked her off balance. She fell on the ground and dust flew everywhere.

Guy 1: Dust? Falling down? I do not understand how this makes money.

Sally jumped back up.

Sally: No silly, I present to you this stand!

Guy 1: Oh good you’re standing up now. I’m still not understanding. Am I missing something?

Sally: No not stand as in what I’m doing. I mean stand as in lemonade stand… the thing behind me that I’m pointing to.

Guy 1: Oh.

Behind Sally was a home made lemonade stand. The letters were all faded and peeling but the wood itself still looked sturdy and in good condition.

Sally: I remember this from when I was ten… dad built it for me. I’m so glad we kept it. We just need to repaint it and dust it off and then it can be our Pizza Juice Stand! Yay! So what do you think?

Guy 1: Very little.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on, help me get it out.

Guy 1: You know, if you just took that sentence out of context...

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 6.

2009-07-10T11:37:00.002+08:00

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

Guy 1 and 2 walk into the hall which opened up into a large living area. There were a dozen beautiful paintings on the walls, a lovely miniature bonsai garden in the corner and various antique furniture around the room. The entire room was a mixture of class and culture. All of which the Guy’s completely ignored because they were staring intently at the massive widescreen plasma TV on the wall.

Sally: Uh… are you drooling?

Guy 2: (absent minded) Yeah.

Sally: Do you want a tissue?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally: OK.

Sally walks off.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally comes back a moment later and puts the tissue in front of his face.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh. Um… thanks.

He holds the tissue.

Guy 2: It’s… what I’ve always wanted.

Sally: Of course it was.

Guy 2: (confused) Thanks.

Sally: You’re welcome.

A man with dark brown hair gets up from the couch and walks up to them.

Andrew: Hey Sally! Who are these fine young boys standing there drooling on my floor?

Sally: These are some guys I found on the side of the road. Their bus broke down so I gave them a lift. Can they stay here for a while? Their accommodations kinda burnt down to the ground.

Andrew: Well as long as they know how to use a mop then I have no problem with it. How about you Gary?

Gary: (click)

Andrew: Hahahaha! You’re a riot.

Andrew walks over to the Guy’s and shakes both of their hands hard. This wakes them up from their TV induced trance.

Guy 1: Hello! How are you?

Andrew: I’m good son. I’m good. How are you?

Guy 1: I’m good too.

Andrew: That’s good.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Your drool is on my floor.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Hey, you’re Australian.

Guy 1: Yes! Yes it is! I mean, I am. Yes I am.
Andrew: I went to Australia once. I went to all the great cities there. Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra…

Guy 1: Perth?

Andrew: No.

Guy 1: Oh…

Andrew: There’s nothing in Perth.

Guy 1: There’s Kings Park.

Andrew: Yeah but it’s only the size of Monaco. And the view is ruined by the ugly bell tower. And I hear the cities are filled with homeless people and if you’re going to find things to do then you can only do so much. It’s just Western Australia’s capital because all the other places are just towns too small to have their own city which is pathetic and- and you live there don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes.

Andrew: I don’t retract my statement.

Guy 1: I’ve rung one of those bells in the bell tower…

Andrew: Cool. I’m going to get the mop.

Guy 1: You do that.

Andrew leaves.

Sally: I didn’t know my father had gone to Australia before…

Guy 1: That guy was your father? He looks quite young.

Sally: Yeah.

Guy 1: For my first impression I drooled on his floor.

Sally: Yeah. You’re a unique one but you’re pretty cool.

Guy 1: Why was I drooling?

Sally: I think it had something to do with our massive TV. Do you want to watch it?

Guy 1: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to do it! Let’s lie down on the couch right now! How big do you think it is?

Andrew returns just in time to hear Guy 1. He stops in mid stride with the mop in his hands.

Andrew: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 was completely uncertain what he had meant by that. So many things entered his mind he had no idea how to react. He sounded strangely happy so was he trying to be ironic? Was he secretly hiding his anger through a happy façade? Would he kill me if I did something to his daughter? Is he protective? Is this a trap? Is he just bonding with me? Is he trying to see if there’s something going on between me and his daughter? More importantly does he think I have a chance? Is this his attempt at humour? What kind of person is he?

Guy 1 merely freezes as he processes this. He then looks around the room trying not to look guilty and then just smiles to himself. He looks at Andrew smugly and defiantly.

Guy 1: May-be!

Andrew: Use protection.

Andrew starts to mop the floor. Once again Guy 1 tried desperately to interpret this. Wait; was that humour or an honest suggestion? What is Sally’s reaction? OK she’s shaking her head. Does that mean she’s embarrassed or just disapproving of the joke? Was it a joke? Oh I sure wish I could understand human behaviour better… I’m so maladjusted. I wonder if this is a good point in time to mention that I don’t know what foreplay is…

Sally: Hey you look deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?

OK is there a look on my face that gives it away? If so, does that mean she expects that I’m thinking so she’s encouraging me to say it? But if she is then why bother? No. I don’t think she’s psychic. Maybe I shouldn’t say… But what if she understands and helps me with this problem of not knowing? Do I take that chance? I wonder if she’ll teach me… hehehe… Once again, I’m not sure what it is so I’m not sure if I should be laughing or not… it just seems appropriate. Wait, no, I’ve stood here too long I should say something.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re so weird! Come on; let me introduce you to my mother.

Sally links her arm with Guy 1’s.

Guy 2: Hey what about me? Have you completely forgotten me?

Sally: Yes actually! Wow! Sorry. You can come to if you want… or you could stay here with Gary. I’m sure he’d love the company.

She points to Gary who is standing near the corner of the hallway staring intently at Guy 2.

Gary: (ominous click)

Guy 2: Uhh… I think I’ll meet your mother actually.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Aww, but he wants to spend time with you! Isn’t that right Gary?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: (Worried) How do you know that!?

Sally: See? He definitely wants you to leave the both of us alone.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m scared.

Guy 1: I’m sure you’ll be fine. Nothing bad ever happens in remote country towns with small populations and minimal police forces. Don’t you ever watch movies?

Guy 2: What? Like The Village? No.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 2: You don’t even understand what he said.

Guy 1: Sure I do… sort of… hey Gary, say something.

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 1: That meant… “How are you?” right?

Sally: Nearly. It was “who are you?” but that was good.

Guy 1: See? There’s a simple trick to it. You just have to listen carefully.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally and Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 1: Ha!

Sally: Awesome!

Sally and Guy 1: Simultaneous!

They hi-five each other.

Guy 2: I didn’t get that. It’s just clicking!

Gary: (Happy click)

Guy 2: Don’t you start! I have no idea what you said but I’m sure you’re mocking me!

Gary: (click?)

Guy 2: How do you click a question mark!?

Guy 1: He’s a very talented clicker.

Sally: He’s been doing it since a kid. He’s won all the local clicking contests.

Guy 2: This town is so boring it has to have clicking contests?

Sally: Haha no. I just wanted to try and fool you into thinking that we do. Come on; go with Gary to find clothes that will fit you.

She tugs on Guy 1’s arm and directs him out of the room.

Sally: My mother’s name is Cleo. She’s really cool…

Sally’s voice fades away. Guy 2 turns to look at Gary who has walked up to him and is now smiling eerily.

Andrew: Well I’m going to work now. Bye. Play nice kids.

Guy 2: You’re leaving?

Andrew: Yes. To go to work. Bye.

Andrew leaves the house.

Guy 2: So…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah I… don’t know what you just said.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: You’re still just clicking… is it a pitch thing? Am I missing the different tones?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: OK that was pointless I didn’t understand that.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Please stop doing that.

Gary: (click)

Gary slowly paints towards a mysterious black door on the other side of the room. Gary looks at Guy 2 creepily with a huge smile on his face.

Guy 2: OK I’m pretty sure I know what that means…

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: (scared) Uhh… are you sure you don’t want to stay out here… where there’s um… witnesses?

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK! OK! I’m going…

Guy 2 follows Gary into the door and into Gary’s room. The door slams behind them and a click is heard just before Guy 2 gives out a short girlish scream.

Cut to: backyard.

Cecilia is hanging up clothes on the washing line to dry. She looks like an older version of Sally only with more freckles. She turns to see Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: Hey mum!

Cecilia: Hey Sally! And hello to you too handsome young man.

Guy 1: Well that’s what they call me.

Sally: They call you “you too handsome young man”?

Guy 1: Hell yeah.

Sally and Cecilia laugh identical laughs. Cecilia suddenly stops and is serious.

Cecilia: Why are you here?

Sally: Mum. His bus broke down.

Guy 1: And I lost all of my luggage.

Sally: Then the hotel he was going to stay at burnt down.

Guy 1: And now I’m cold and lonely…

Sally: That… too. But basically he has nowhere to stay so can he stay here? Dad has no problem with it.

Cecilia: You know I love random strangers. Sure he can stay. My name’s Cecilia by the way.

Cecilia turns and leans close to Guy 1.

Cecilia: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 suddenly felt like he’d been in this situation before… Aha! I have no idea why she’s inquiring this but I won’t make the same mistake I did last time. I’m not going to be the one caught off guard this time! I’m saying something!

Guy 1: Yes I am!

Cecilia and Sally both froze as they tried to process this. Guy 1 slowly started thinking that maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t be smiling ear to ear right now. There was complete silence for a moment before the sound of Sally hitting her forehead with her palm broke the tension. Sally sighed and started counting down on her fingers from three to zero. At zero Cecilia smiled and patted Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Cecilia: Use protection.

Sally: Mum!

Cecilia: What? It’s good advice!

Guy 1: She’s right. It is.

Sally: You and Dad are perfect for each other… it’s embarrassing.

Cecilia: We’re parents. It’s our job.

Sally: Can we move on from this?

Cecilia: Sure. So “you too handsome young man”, tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: Well I’m from Australia, I was born on a Tuesday and I really like to eat sandwiches.

Cecilia: Interesting. Have you got any hobbies?

Guy 1: Is eating sandwiches a hobby?

Cecilia: It could be. So what brings you to Charleston Illinois?

Guy 1: Because Charleston Arizona didn’t appeal to me. Nah, I won a free trip here.

Cecilia: Here? Well a free trip is a trip I suppose…

Guy 1: Yes I suppose it is.

Cecilia: Well welcome to Charleston, the place where trees grow!

Guy 1: I’ve always wanted to see trees!

Sally and Cecilia both laugh.

Sally and Cecilia: You’re weird.

Cecilia gives Sally a smug look while Sally looks at Cecilia partially terrified.

Cecilia: One of us… one of us…

Sally: No mum I’m not turning out like you!

Cecilia: One of us! One of us!

Sally: No!

Sally tries to cover Cecilia’s mouth but Cecilia pushes her hands away. They both laugh.

Cecilia: Haha! OK, well get your friend something to eat Sally and then go and show him the town. Don’t forget to show him the courthouse!

Guy 1: (Quietly) Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free!

Cecilia: Exactly!

Sally and Guy 1 walk back into the house.

Sally: So do you want something to drink?

Guy 1: Sure.

To Be Continued…

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 4

2009-05-28T12:31:00.001+08:00

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Narrator: In the short time that the portal to an alternate reality had been open dozens of copies had come through… some good some evil… eventually the evil ones triumphed against the originals. Now who will save this world?

Guy 1I: Superman!

Guy 1I points to the sky. It’s a bird.

Guy 2E: It’s a bird.

Guy 1I: It’s a plane!

Guy 2E: No… it’s a bird… come on we have to find… home…

Guy 1I: Oooh! Blue!

Guy 2E: Yes that’s nice it’s the sky please move this way.

Guy 2E walks off leaving Guy 1I. Guy 2E comes back and grabs Guy1I and drags him away.

Meanwhile at Guy 1’s house…

Guy 3B: Mwhahahahaha!

Guy 3A: Shut up.

Guy 3B: Nobody tells me what to do but me!

Guy 3A: Exactly. Shut up. Now… how should we destroy the world?

Guy 3B: Nuclear weapons are always fun.

Guy 3A: Uhhh… that would cause a nuclear winter and I’d prefer my last days on earth celebrating being warm.

Guy 3B: Oh yeah… how about a killer virus that makes people go crazy with rage and kill other people and they don’t even eat or sleep when infected so they eventually die?

Guy 3A: I don’t know… I think that’s been done before…

Guy 3B: How ‘bout we block out the sun?

Guy 3A: That’s also been done.

Guy 3B: What hasn’t been done?

Guy 3A: Turning robots against humans on mother’s day?

Guy 3B: But mother’s day is too far away… plus we don’t have enough evil robots…

Guy 3A: Oh yeah…. forgot about that…

Just then, Guy 2E and Guy 1I burst through the door.

Guy 2E: Hello.

Guy 3A: ‘Sup?

Guy 2E: Nothing much.

In the background Guy 1I is poking the walls and going “oooooh!”

Guy 3B: Hey what’s up with him?

Guy 2E turns around and looks at Guy 1I. Guy 1I pokes the wall then jumps up and down while clapping excitedly. Guy 2E turns around.

Guy 2E: We’re from the retard universe.

Guy 3A: You don’t seem very retarded.

Guy 2E: I don’t know my own name or do simple maths but I can do complex equations in my head instantly.

Guy 3A: Really? What’s 2 plus 2?

Guy 2E: Uhh… umm… uhh…

Guy 2E starts going crazy and spasms.

Guy 2E: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! My head hurts!

Guy 1I claps and laughs.

Guy 1I: Funny monkey!

Guy 3A turns to Guy 3B.

Guy 3A: Man this universe sucks. We really have to close that portal.

Guy 3B: I know… we have to do it before anything dumber comes through.

Guy 2E is on the floor still having a spasm. Guy 1I is kicking him.

Guy 3A: Oh for crying out loud… 2 plus 2 is 4!

Guy 2E stops and looks at him.

Guy 2E: You sure? I have to check that… uhh… umm… umm… agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! It burns!

Guy 2E starts going spastic again. Guy 3A sighs and shoots him. Guy 2E lays still and Guy 1I stares at the body. He then pokes it.

Guy 3A: So where did you come from?

Guy 3B: Your mum.

Guy 3A: OK I don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with that… no but seriously we need to close this portal now.

Guy 3B: OK I’ll show you.

They turn to the door and see Guy 1I thumping Guy 2E with a plank of wood.

A few minutes later they arrive at the portal.

Guy 3A: How do we close it?

Guy 3B: I don’t know… shoot it?

They start shooting at it. Guy 1J appears and dies.

Guy 3A: Hey wow this strategy is making me feel happy already!

Guy 3B: This isn’t working…

Guy 3C: Perhaps I can help.

Guy 3A and B turn around and see Guy 3C who has glasses on.

Guy 3C: I’m from the retard universe as well but for some reason I’m a genius compare to the rest of you… oh burn! A guy from the retard universe is smarter than you!

Guy 3B raises his gun.

Guy 3B: You may be smarter but soon you’re going to be deader if you don’t stop mocking yourself.

Guy 3C: Oh yeah… well it’s simple, just reverse the polarity and the temporal space-time anomaly will implode and some other sci-fi mumbo jumbo happens and then all is solved although it hasn’t been properly explained.

Guy 3A: That was so vague it might just be plausible…

Guy 3B: Nothing about this is plausible…

Guy 3A: Shut up.

The screen goes black.

Narrator: And so the evil ones closed the portal to the other worlds by doing something that sounds scientific and therefore dooming the world forever… or so you would think…

Guy 1K looks around and smiles.

The End.

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 3

2009-05-27T12:11:00.002+08:00

Part One
Part Two

Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.

Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.

Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.

Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.

Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.

Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.

Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?

Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.

Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?

Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.

Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.

Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.

Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!

Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.

Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.

Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!

Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!

Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?

Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?

Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.

Guy 2D: I agree.

The Guys walk off.

Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.

Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.

Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.

Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.

Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.

Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…

Cameraman: Duh!

Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?

Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?

Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.

Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.

Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.

Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?

Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…

Cameraman: Aww! How sad…

Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.

Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.

Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?

Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?

Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…

Outside where the other alternate guys are…

Guy 1H: Hey dude.

Guy 2D: Yeah?

Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?

Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!

Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!

Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!

Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.

Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.

Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.

Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.

Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.

Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!

Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?

Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!

Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!

Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!

Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.

Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.

Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!

Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…

Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!

Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…

Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.

Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.

Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.

Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.

Guy 1H: Cameraman…

Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.

Guy 1H: Thankyou.

Guy 3A: Hi guys.

Guy 3 waves.

Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?

Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?

Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.

Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?

Guy 2D: No.

Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!

Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?

Guy 3A: Uh… no…

Guy 2D: Exactly.

The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.

Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!

Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!

Guy 2D: Hey.

Guy 2C: Hey.

Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!

Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.

Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.

Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?

Guy 2D: Yeah… you?

Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…

Guy 2D: Oh of course.

Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?

Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…

Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?

Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?

Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.

Guy 1G: Well actually…

Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.

Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?

Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!

Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!

Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.

Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!

All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.

Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!

Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.

Guy 1H: Then who did?

Guy 3A: I did.

Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.

Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!

Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!

Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.

Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…

Guy 3A: Silence!

Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.

Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?

Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.

Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!

Guy 3B: Think again!

Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.

Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!

Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!

Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!

Guy 3B: Yeah!

To Be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 2

2009-05-25T14:37:00.000+08:00

Part One Here

Guy 1A sits down on the couch next to Guy 2A and presses play on the remote.

Guy 2A: Hey…

Guy 1A: Yeah?

Guy 2A: You just killed yourself.

Guy 1A: Yeah I know…

Guy 2A: Oh… Isn’t that sorta weird?

Guy 1A: No.

Guy 2A: So are we going to clean up the body of your alternate self off the floor?

Camera shows Guy 1B lying on the floor dead.

Guy 1A: Later. I’m watching The Terminator.

Guy 2A: Yeah you’re right.

One Hour Later.

Guy 1A: Oh now I get it! The Terminator is a robot! Of course it’s so simple now!

Guy 2A: How many times have you seen this movie?

Guy 1A: At least five times.

There’s a knock at the door. Guy 2A gets up and answers it. Guy 1D is on the other side. He walks in uninvited.

Guy 1D: Hey why am I lying dead on the doorstep? (Pause) And on the floor over there? (Pause) and sitting alive on the couch over there?

Guy 1A: Oh not another one!

Guy 1D: Another what?

Guy 2A: Another you. Another him… What is going on!?

Guy 1D: Oh you mean the clones have got here already?

Guy 2A: You mean they’re clones and not visitors from another reality?

Guy 1D: Nah they are from another reality I just call them clones.

Guy 1A: OK enough talk I’m going to kill you now.

Guy 1A gets out a gun and shoots Guy 1D.

Guy 2A: Why’d you do that?

Guy 1E: Do what?

Guy 2A and 1A turn and there’s another Guy 1 in the doorway.

Guy 1A: This.

Guy 1A shoots Guy 1E.

Guy 2A: Seriously where did you pull that gun from?

Guy 1A: I have unlimited hammer space.

Guy 2B: Nah you’ve just got a fat butt.

Guy 2A turns to the door and there’s another one of him.

Guy 2A: Oh no now there’s one of me!

Guy 2B: Oh no! The mirror isn’t lying when it shows an ugly me! I really am ugly!

Guy 2A: Hey!

Guy 2A grabs the gun off Guy 1A and shoots his clone.

Guy 2A: We seriously need to find a way to stop these clones from appearing.

Guy 1F: I agree.

Guy 1A turns around and there’s yet another clone of him.

Guy 1A: How’d you get in here?

Guy 1F: Through the back door of course.

Guy 1A: Oh…

There’s a long pause as they look at each other. Eventually Guy 1A gets out a gun and tries shooting Guy 1F but has no more bullets left.

Guy 1A: Agh! No bullets!

Guy 1F: Ha ha! Nice one retard! You’re like the biggest loser of all time! Ha ha ha ha- wait…

Guy 1F looks around and sees that The Guys have already left.

Guy 1F: Unbelievable… I just ditched myself!

Meanwhile at Guy 1A’s house…

Guy 1A is peering out his window.

Guy 1A: I think we’re safe here… me from an alternate reality wouldn’t be caught dead in my own house…

Guy 2A: You do realise what you’re saying right?

Guy 1A: Nope.

Guy 1A turns around.

Guy 1A: Look out I’m behind you!

Guy 2A ducks and quickly turns around. Guy 1G is just standing there doing nothing.

Guy 1G: Hi.

Guy 2A: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1A: Oh no… it’s got… a moustache!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh! Yeah I do. Like it?

Guy 1A: Actually yeah. I’ve always wanted a moustache. Hey don’t worry we don’t need to kill this one.

Guy 2A slowly lowers the wooden plank from above Guy 1G’s head and puts it behind his back. Guy 1G looks around and Guy 2A just whistles innocently. Guy 1G turns back to Guy 1A.

Guy 1G: Well I’m glad you think that way…

Guy 2A: Hey if you’re from an alternate reality do you have the same name as him?

Guy 1G: I don’t know. I don’t even know my own name.

Guy 1A: Wow. Then what does everyone call you?

Guy 1G: Same thing they call you.

Guy 1A: Oh… yeah of course. So… why have you got a moustache?

Guy 1G whips out a gun and shoots Guy 1A in the arm and Guy 2A in the chest. He walks over to Guy 1A and points the gun at him.

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha! Don’t you know that clones from an alternate reality with moustaches are always evil?

Guy 1A: Oh yeah… why did I forget that?

Guy 1G: Because you are the biggest idiot of all time! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Guy 1G: Why are you laughing?

Guy 1A: You called yourself and idiot.

Guy 1G: No I… wait… oh… Grr!

Guy 1 starts laughing but is silenced by Guy 1G shooting him. Guy 2C, who also has a moustache, walks up to Guy 1G.

Guy 2C: Good work. Now we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha!

Guy 2C: So what now?

Guy 1G: I don’t know it was your plan.

To be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1

2009-05-24T20:28:00.001+08:00

Sorry for putting The Holiday on hold (don't worry it shall be resolved!) but I've got exams for the next two weeks and have written anything in a while so I guess the hungry masses are starving for entertainment and so I must supply you with something. It's not second rate (well actually it is but I'm lying to you to make you think it's better than it really is) but it does get slightly confusing and delves more into the weird universe of Bilby where the 4th wall is occasionally broken and Cameraman talks more. (But not in this one though) I also wrote it two years ago so keep than in mind. The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1 everyone! Love it dammit! LOVE IT!

Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?

Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.

Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…

Guy 2 turns around.

Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!

Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.

Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.

Guy 2: No you’re not!

Guy 1A: Just let me in!

Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.

Guy 1A: Hello.

Guy 1B: Whoa!

Guy 1A: What are you doing here?

Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?

Guy 1A: I asked you first.

Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.

Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…

Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…

Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?

Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-

Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!

Pause.

Guy 2: OK. So now what?

Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…

Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.

Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.

Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…

Guy 1B: I am you!

Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.

Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!

Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!

Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)

While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.

Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.

Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…

Guy 1A: How many of me are there?

Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…

Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…

Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.

Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!

Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 5.

2009-05-02T21:04:00.001+08:00

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
Part 4 Here:

Sally had the most wonderful wavy peach blonde hair that flowed down onto her lightly tanned shoulders that were clearly visible. Her light-green tank top was tight against her body showing off her exquisite curves.

Cameraman: Oh you can so tell a man wrote that…

Guy 1 and 2: Go away! You’re not in this story!

They go back to staring at her soft, feminine shoulders.

Sally: Hey are you listening to me?

Guy 1: No.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Yeah you are you answered my question! You silly goose you.

Guy 1: Yeah… silly.

Guy 1 blinks several times and shakes his head.

Guy 1: Yes! I’m a goose!

Sally laughs again.

Sally: You’re so funny! Haha you’re going to make me laugh so much we crash and die!

Guy 2: Can you make sure only he dies and we get out alive?

Sally: Haha! Oh you.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m starting to like this holiday now.

Guy 1: That’s nice. You can leave now.

Sally: So where are you guys from?

Guy 1 and 2: Australia!

Guy 2: Yeah I wrestle crocs for a living.

Guy 1: Yeah well… I wrestle him for a living!

Guy 2: What?

Sally: Wow. Well G’day mate!

Guy 2: No one says that.

Guy 1: G’day!

Sally: Throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Guy 2: We call them prawns.

Guy 1: And he wrestles them for a living!

Sally: I’d love to see that!

Guy 2: Well I’ll give you a special private show if you want me to.

Sally: No way! I need to bring the girls around.

Guy 2: OK! I like where this is going.

Sally: To see you and your shrimp.

Guy 1 cracks up laughing. Guy 2 punches him on the shoulder but he keeps laughing.

Sally: Hey I’ve been driving for hours do you mind if we pull over so I can stretch my legs?

Guy 1: No I don’t mind your legs at all.

Sally: Haha that’s not quite what I meant but thank you anyway.

Sally pulls over and gets out. Guy 1 and 2 also get out. Sally stretches and looks at the sky.

Sally: The sky is so beautiful out here… I could just stare at it for days on end.

Long pause. Guy 1 looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs then looks back at Sally. Long pause.

Guy 1: But you’re not going to… right?

Sally: No of course not! Mmmmaybe tomorrow though. Want to join me?

Guy 2: Sure!

Sally: I was asking him.

Guy 2: Oh.

Guy 1: Yeah OK.

Guy 1 looks at Guy 2 smugly. Guy 2 looks back with a look of disdain.

Sally: OK well we’d better get going again.

Guy 1 and 2 turn to get back into the car, but Sally rushes over so she’s in front of them.

Sally: But first you must fight me! Hiyah!

Sally pretends to punch both of them before kicking the air.

Sally: Haha I’m just kidding come on let’s go.

Guy 1 relaxes from his defensive stance. They all get into the car and continue their drive towards Charleston.

Sally: So what are you doing here in America?

Guy 2: This idiot decided to click on a bunch of banner ads and infected my computer with viruses after he borrowed money from a loan shark in my name and so if we don’t go on this holiday and somehow find a bunch of money then I’m going to have my legs broken. So you know… it’s all his fault.

Sally: Oh don’t be so harsh on the poor guy! He got you a lovely holiday in a beautiful country to a darling place that no one ever goes to.

Guy 2: No one ever goes to Charleston?

Sally: Bahahaha! Except us of course.

Guy 2: What’s actually in Charleston?

Sally: Trees. And houses.

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Sally: We’ve also got a courthouse! You like justice right?

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! I love justice!

Sally and Guy 1: Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free! Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s there to protect me! Justice is good, never ever ever wrong, ever feel down, sing the justice song! Because we’re defending civil rights yeah! Defending civil rights. Gotta love those rights ‘cause they help our civil plights. Break it down!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2. Guy 2 just sits there.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Awww! Don’t you know the Justice Song?

Guy 2: Um… no.

Sally: Sigh!

Guy 1: Sigh indeed.

Guy 2: Where would I get a hold of the Justice Song?

Sally: I don’t know. You either just know the song or you don’t.

Guy 1: Yeah you social reject.

Guy 2: OK list how many friends you have then…

Guy 1: Um… you… cameraman… uh… Sally! Sally’s my friend right aren’t you Sally?

Sally: I sure am! You’re my Justice Buddy!

Guy 1: Yes! I finally have a Justice Buddy! Oh yeah and Steve.

Guy 2: Steve?

Guy 1: Yeah Steve. You know… he’s got hair… on his head. Eyeballs? Nose? Is any of this ringing a bell?

Guy 2: Oh so he’s… a mammal then?

Guy 1: Yeah! He’s a mammal.

Sally: Yay for mammalia! Hey well we’re nearly at Charleston. Do you guys know where you’re staying?

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Um… oh. Oh! Yes, Queen Anne’s on 7th Street Bed and Breakfast!

Guy 1 looked very proud of himself.

Guy 2: It sounds nice.

Sally: To 7th Street then!

Guy 1: Hoorah!

They continue to drive onwards. They arrive at Charleston and Guy 1 and 2 stare out the windows taking it all in, the trees and buildings, the teenagers walking along laughing, the strange old hunch-backed lady pointing directly at the car with a sneer on her face, all of it. Guy 1 realised his nose had been pushed up against the glass which explained why he couldn’t breathe properly. He moved slightly away from the windowpane and realised he had left a mark that looked like a demented face on the glass. He tried to rub it off but it refused to be cleaned away. The car stops.

Sally: Um…

Guy 1: What?

Guy 1 and 2 turn to look at what Sally had stopped in front of. It was the Queen Anne’s on 7th Street. It was on fire.

Guy 1: Agh!

Sally: Agh indeed!

Man on Fire: AAAGGHHHHH!!!

The man ran into the front of the car, screamed at the windscreen, ran to the side of the car and looked in before screaming again. He then went around the car and screamed at the other window. He then ran around in a circle before running off.

Guy 1: I wonder what his problem was.

Guy 2: What are we going to do now? This is so unfair on us!

The man on fire returned to scream and Guy 2 before running off again.

Guy 2: My thoughts exactly! Urgh… what are we going to do now?

Sally: Well perhaps calling the fire brigade would be a good plan.

Guy 2: Nah, someone else has probably done that already.

Cut to: Local fire station.

Man on Fire runs up to a bunch of fire-fighters who are sitting around.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: That man is on fire! What is it man on fire? Where’s the fire?

The Man on Fire points.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: Let’s go!

The fire-fighters all rush into their trucks and drive off towards the fire. The Man on Fire looks around and sees no one. He looks down at his still flaming arms.

Man on Fire: Agh? Agh…

Cut to: Sally’s car.

Guy 2: So what now?

Sally: Have you got like, a back up place to stay?

Guy 1: No. Not really…

Sally: Oh.

Guy 2: Great.

Sally: Well you could always stay at my place if you want.

Guy 1 and 2 paused for a moment. There was an almost audible click as the clogs in their brain suddenly came together and realised what had just been offered to them. Their smiles got larger than they ever thought they could and they suddenly started wondering about the size of things…

Guy 1 and 2: YES! YES! OK! SURE!

Guy 1: We’d love to!

Guy 2: That’d be great!

Guy 1: Thank you thank you thank you!

Guy 2: You’re so awesome!

Guy 1: Yay for Sally!

Guy 2: Yay indeed!

Guy 1: Have my babies!

Sally: Hahaha! Wait- what?

Guy 1: Um… you know… being a parent is quite hard so if you could just… take my babies away from me… forever… that’d be greatly appreciated.

Sally: You’re a father?

Guy 1: Haha no. No I’m not.

Sally: I didn’t think so.

Guy 1: Awww you got me! Awww.

Sally: Aww! Oh well! Well OK guys we’re going to my house!
Guy 1 starts celebrating in the back of the car.

Guy 1: YES! YES! YEAH! WOOOOO!!! HELL YEAH! HOUSE! HOUSE! HOUSE!

Sally: Whoa! You’re a bit of a loud fella aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? Oh… so that wasn’t inside my head then?

Sally slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 1 hangs his head, embarrassed.

Guy 1: (Quietly) Yes. Woo. Awesome. Yeah…

Guy 2: Still not in your head.

Guy 1: Shut up!

Ten minutes later they arrive at Sally’s house. It looked similar to the rest of the suburban homes around it. A teenager, probably 16 or 17 years of age, steps out of the house and hugs Sally.

Sally: Hey guys, meet my younger brother, Gary.

Guy 1: Hello.

Guy 2: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Excuse me?

Sally: Oh he’s mute. He communicates in a series of clicks.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: That means hello.

Guy 2: (click) (click)

Sally: No don’t do that. He’s not deaf so finds people clicking at him mockery.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was “yes” right?

Sally: No. Think four letters. OK, well Gary can take your lugg- Wait.

Guy 2: What? Oh…

Sally: Did you guys actually… bring anything?

Guy 2: Oh great!

Guy 1: What? What? What’s going on? I’m quite oblivious to your cause of distress!

Guy 2: We forgot our luggage! We left it on the bus!

Guy 1: Oh… aw dammit! And I had some important stuff!

Guy 2: Such as?

Guy 1: Not telling you. It’s personal.

Cut to: Side of the road. The passengers of the bus sit opposite the burning wreckage.

Black Man: OK I’ve recovered what I can from the luggage on board…

He looked at the tag attached to the suitcase he was holding.

“Please do not steal this - xo.”

Black Man: Hey who doesn’t want me to steal their luggage?

Everyone puts their hand up slowly and slightly confused.

Man: Well it’d be best if you um… didn’t?

Black Man: No there’s a note… oh never mind.

He opens up the case and sees a bunch of Pokemon plush toys.

Black Man: Who here likes Mudkips?

Man: Oh for crying out loud. Let it die! That is an overused internet meme!

Black Man: No I meant… this doll… here.

Cut to: Sally’s house.

Guy 1: Well do you think we can go back?

Guy 2: They were probably all destroyed in the explosion.

Guy 1: Dammit!

Sally: Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Gary won’t mind lending you some clothes and you can always just buy a few new clothes from the local store here. It’ll be very touristy! Come on! I’ll help you shop!

Guy 1: Really? That’d be awesome.

Sally: Oh a guy actually enthusiastic about shopping. I like that.

Guy 1: Hehe…

Guy 2: Dude… are you blushing?

Guy 1: (Defensively) No! Stop looking at me!

Guy 1 covers his face with his hands. Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on inside I’ll show you around.

She leads them up the stairs and opens the door. Guy 2 walks in first then, Guy 1, who is still covering his face, walks into the wall right next to the door. Sally laughs.

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

To Be Continued…

The Holiday Prt 4

2009-04-12T14:25:00.004+08:00

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:

The mugger raises his knife again.

Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?

Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!

Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!

Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)

Mugger: What?

Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)

Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!

Guy 1: Qué?

The Mugger walks off.

Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!

Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.

Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!

Guy 1: Yay for being alive!

Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?

Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!

Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?

Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.

Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?

Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.

Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.

Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!

The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.

Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…

The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?

Guy 1: This or death.

Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?

Guy 1: Why are you whispering?

Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!

Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.

Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.

Guy 2: What did you just do?

Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.

Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.

Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…

Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?

Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.

Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.

Guy 2: Not funny!

Guy 1: I’m sorry…

Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.

Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.

Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!

Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…

The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”

Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…

Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?

Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.

Guy 1: Any good stories?

Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.

Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.

Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.

Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.

Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.

The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.

Man with Lighter: What!?

He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.

Guy 2: They did what now?

Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”

Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?

Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 2: Yeah, good point.

Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.

Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!

Guy 2: Oh please no…

Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…

The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.

Guy 2: What were you saying?

Guy 1: Um… Jelly!

Guy 2: No. No jelly…

Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.

Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!

Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!

Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?

Guy 2: The bus driver!

The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.

Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?

Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…

Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...

Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.

Guy 2: What the hell was that!?

The bus driver leant out the window.

Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!

The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.

Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.

Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.

Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.

Guy 1: Me too.

Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…

Guy 1: I suppose I did…

Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!

Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.

The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.

Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Guy 1: Hey wait a second…

The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.

Guy 1: I know you!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.

Wizard: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?

Wizard: How are you?

Guy 2: We flew here…

Wizard: So did I.

Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?

Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?

Guy 2: Um…

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…

Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?

Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…

Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.

Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.

Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?

The bus blows up.

Guy 2: What the hell!?

The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.

Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!

Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!

Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…

Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!

Guy 2: I’m sorry…

Guy 1: Pft…

Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?

Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.

Guy 2: So how well does that pay?

Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.

Guy 2: OK…

Off in the distance a car is approaching.

Guy 1: Hey look a car!

Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!

They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.

Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?

Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.

Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.

Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!

Sally laughs.

Sally: OK hop in.

They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.

Guy 1: Oh sorry-

Guy 2: No you-

Guy 1: If you insist-

Guy 2: No me!

They both struggle for the doorhandle.

Sally: Um, having trouble?

Guy 1 and 2: No!

They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.

Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?

Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!

Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?

To Be Continued…

The Holiday Prt 3

2009-04-01T19:57:00.007+08:00

Part 1: Here

Part 2: Here

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.

Guy 2: Was that it?

Captain: Yes. Yes it was.

Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?

Captain: I can't hear you...

Guy 2: Yes you can.

Captain: No I can't.

Guy 2: Yes you can!

Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?

Captain: Exactly.

Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...

Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...

Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.

Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...

Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.

Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-

Guy 2 closes his eyes again.

Captain: Be faithful-

Guy 2 opens his eyes.

Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.

Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.

Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!

Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal

Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.

Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.

Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.

Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!

The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.

Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?

Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!

Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!

Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.

Other Security guards rush over to the scene.

Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?

Guy 1: What'd you call me?

Security Guard 2: SILENCE!

The security guard spits on Guy 1.

Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?

Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...

The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.

Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!

Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.

Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!

Guy 1: Neither do I!

Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!

Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?

Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...

Guy 1: Come on!

Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!

Security Guard: You sound foreign.

Guy 2: We're Australian!

Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...

Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!

Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?

Guy 1: Only in school.

Security Guard 1: Aha!

The first security guard raises his fist to strike.

Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!

Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .

Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-

Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!

The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.

Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.

The Man starts typing at his computer.

Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?

Guy 1: Yes.

Man: Hmm?

Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...

Man: Very good...

The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.

Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?

Man: You.

The Man looked at Guy 2.

Guy 1: Ah OK.

Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...

Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...

Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.

Guy 1: I was.

Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.

Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.

Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!

Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.

Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.

Man: Hmm...

The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.

Guy 2: Hmm?

Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.

Guy 2: What?

Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.

Guy 2: Oh thank you!

They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.

Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?

Man: We know already that he's harmless.

Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.

Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...

Cut to: The car park of the airport.

Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!

Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?

Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!

Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.

Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?

Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.

Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.

The both get into the taxi.

Taxi Driver: Where to?

Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!

Taxi Driver: Rightio.

He drives off.

Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?

Guy 2: Um... sorta.

Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?

Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?

Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.

Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.

Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.

Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?

Taxi Driver: Yeah.

Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.

Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?

Guy 2: All the time.

Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.

Guy 2: You do that.

Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.

The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.

Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.

Guy 1 turns around.

Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?

Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.

Woman behind counter: Here you go.

Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!

Woman behind counter: Sorry?

Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!

The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.

Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!

Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?

Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?

Guy 2 smiles a bit.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…

Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?

Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!

The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Guy 1: I do not speak English!

To Be Continued…

The Holiday Prt 2

2009-03-30T19:46:00.002+08:00

Part 1: Here

Guy 2 and Guy 1 are sitting in a taxi as it drives them to the airport.

Guy 2: Hey if we're going straight to the airport then what about your luggage? Isn't it at your house?

Guy 1: No. I sent it to the airport in advance. It should be there waiting for us...

Guy 2: You can do that?

Guy 1: I sure hope so...

The taxi arrives at the airport and they get out. There's a large pile of suitcases piled near the footpath.

Guy 1: Ah. My luggage.

Guy 2: What? You just left a bunch of suitcases on the ground outside an airport and hoped they'd still be there a few hours later?

Guy 1: Yeah.... it worked didn't it?

Guy 2: That's not the point! Someone could've really easily stolen it!

Guy 1: No they couldn't have. Look.

Guy 1 walks over and shows Guy 2 a tag with the words "Please do not steal this - xo." written on it.

Guy 1: Everyone obeys the tag. I once put one on a lamp post saying "Please leave your pants
here" and when I came back to it I had a new pair of pants!

Guy 2: Were those the pants with the holes in them, the burn marks and smelt worse than a dead fish?

Guy 1: Yeah! And they were free!

Guy 2: Yeah... good for you... well I'm going to go check in.

Guy 2 unloads his luggage from the back of the taxi and pays the taxi driver. He then walks into the airport and checks in. He checks his watch and it's nearly time to take off. He looks around but doesn't see Guy 1 anywhere.

Guy 2: Where is he? We need to get on the plane real soon...

He looks at his watch once more and starts to wander near the entrance to the plane. Eventually a voice comes over the intercom.

Voice: Flight 599 is preparing for take off. Can all passengers please board the plane.

Guy 2: I know! It's time for an internal monologue! (Inside his head) If he doesn't arrive soon they'll call his name out over the speakers. He can't get a plane ticket without a passport and some form of identification... they must have his name on record!

Guy 2 waits near the entrance. The woman checking tickets looks at him.

Guy 2: I'm waiting for my friend... He was really insistent on boarding the plane with me. He's special you know...

The woman nods. The speakers once again crackle and a voice comes through.

Voice: Not all passengers have boarded, can um...

Guy 2: (Inside his mind) This is it!

Voice: Hey what does that say? (Pause) Then what do I say? OK. The person who is approximately 5"11 with brown eyes and brownie-red hair please board flight 599. You know
where you are.

Guy 2: DAMMIT! So close!

The woman gives him a strange look.

Guy 2: Hey this may sound like the strangest thing you've ever heard but um... can I get a copy of the flight manifest so I can see the names of the people on this flight... so I know what my friends name is...

Woman: Sorry sir I cannot give you that. Especially not so you can find out the name of your friend... that.... yeah that is quite strange... are you sure he's the one who's special not you?

Guy 2: You know sometimes I'm not sure...

Guy 2 hands his ticket to the woman and she checks it. Just as he's about to walk in Guy 1 runs up and hands his ticket to the woman.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey?

Guy 1: Yeah it's like hello only spelt differently.

Woman: Can you two please board the plane?

Guy 2: OK.

They walk into the plane and find their seats.

Guy 2: What happened?

Guy 1: When? Because you know there have been an awful lot of things that happened...

Guy 2: Where were you? They had to call for you over the loud speakers.

Guy 1: They were calling me? Oh... well I didn't hear my name being called out so yeah...

Guy 2: What is your na-

Guy 1: But I was late because this really tall man was talking to me.

(Pause)

Guy 2: About?

Guy 1: It's a secret. He was American... spoke really good English for an American too. I was impressed.

Guy 2: All American's speak English...

Guy 1: Hahahaha! That's funny!

Guy 2: It's true.

Guy 1: Sure.

The Captain's voice comes over a speaker.

Captain: This is your captain speaking.... not your cook, not your mother, not your long lost
uncle, not your massage therapist and definitely not your boyfriend...

Girl: What?

Captain: Yeah, it's over between us woman in seat C15. Enjoy the flight you slut! OK, well for the rest of you we're about to take off. Please fasten your seatbelts SO YOU DON'T CHEAT ON ME!

Guy 2: I don't think I want to be on this flight...

Captain: Too bad!

Guy 2: Oh great...

The plane took off.

Guy 1: So ever been to another country before?

Guy 2: Yeah I've been to Iceland before. I was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah, then he asked me where the bathroom was and got out a book with English phrases in it.

Guy 1: That's quite strange. Did you direct him to the toilet?

Guy 2: No but I directed my fists to his face which introduced him to the ground. The ground was accompanied by my foot. My foot soon became acquainted with his ribs and they hit it off instantly. His teeth were jealous so we had a threesome and then I walked off after I got tired.

Guy 1: You always do. Your relationships don't last very long.

Guy 2: Yeah the strange thing was he started yelling after at me saying "I would like to order a ham and cheese sandwich!" It was so weird.

Guy 1: Do you think he didn't know what he was doing?

Guy 2: I'm pretty sure he knew he was bleeding from the mouth I'm sure of that.

Guy 1: Wow. You're violent.

Guy 2: What about you?

Guy 1: No I'm a pacifist.

Guy 2: No I meant have you ever been to another country?

Guy 1: I've been around a few places... France, Belgium, Morocco, England, Brazil. Yeah I remember I was in Paris once and this guy came up and threw a piece of bread straight at my head and yelled "Merde!" at me very, very loudly. Then he stabbed a lady right next to him. Then he gave her money as he said "branleur" to her. It was so random. Then I said thanks and ate the bread.

Guy 2: Did you report the crime?

Guy 1: No. It's France.

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: Dude. Don't mess with the affairs of other countries.

Guy 2: But-

Guy 1: You just don't OK?

Guy 2: Fine...

Guy 2 picks up a book and starts to read to pass the time. Guy 1 looks around to see if he can find something to entertain himself with. He leans over towards the person in the seat across the aisle.

Guy 1: Hey.

The man turns and looks at him.

Man: Yes?

Guy 1: Are you a racist?

Man: Um... No?

Guy 1: Are you sure?

Man: Yes.

Guy 1: OK. Because you just look like the kind of guy who likes to wear white pyjamas, cover his face and go burning some crosses and killing some black people.

Man: Who says that to people!?

Guy 1: Me. Duh. It's just the way that your hair is pointed up. Hey so you know, what are your opinions on foreigners?

Man: You do realise that I'm going to a different country right now right? I obviously do not have any qualms with other countries.

Guy 1: I suppose so...

Guy 1 turns back to facing forward. He leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I wonder what would happen if I jumped up right now and told everyone to get on the floor? Hmm...

Guy 1 jumps out of his seat.

Guy 1: EVERYONE GET ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW I SAID!

All the passengers panic and put their heads down. They all scrambled onto the floor and lie there shivering and crying. Guy 2 looks around confused at everyone. Nothing happens for a while and there's complete silence.

Guy 2: What are you doing?

Someone on the floor looks up and sees that nothings happening. People start to whisper and murmur in confusion. Someone tries to get up but the person next to them quickly drags them back down and tells them off quickly. One of the men gathers enough courage to speak.

Man 2: Um... or what?

Guy 1: Huh?

Man 2: Are you going to kill us all if we don't stay quiet and remain on the floor?

Guy 1: No. Just... wanted to see what would happen if I told everyone to get on the floor. You all did! That's pretty cool huh? That was pretty funny you got to admit.

Guy 2: You're going to get us all arrested...

Guy 1: For what? Talking loudly on a plane?

Man 2: Can we get up now?

Guy 1: Yeah sure. It's not like I'm going to blow you up.

Just as he said "I'm going to blow you up" a stewardess walks through a door. She sees Guy 1 standing up and everyone else besides Guy 2 lying on the floor and freezes. She drops the tray of refreshments she was holding.

Guy 1: Oh a stewardess... Hey um... want to uh... join... this... game... of.... who can lie on the floor the fastest? Yeah... uh... HE LOST!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Oh uh yeah um... damn. I lost. Yeah. I fail. Haha OK let's have another round. Come on everyone can get up now... please get up off the floor.

Everyone slowly inches off the floor and back to their seats.

Guy 1: OK and... everyone get on the floor now!

Everyone remains seated.

Man 2: Go screw yourself!

Guy 1: Hehe... he... Uh.... yeah!

Stewardess: Right...

She picks up the tray she has dropped and disappears back into another part of the plane.

Guy 1: I think that went quite well considering...

Guy 2: Don't you dare do that again! Ever! We were so close to being tackled to the ground and taken away forever where we'll never see the light of day again! And I like daylight! It's better than moonlight!

Guy 1: You've obviously never had a moontan.

Guy 2: Have you?

Guy 1: No, they're incredibly hard to get.

Guy 2: Everyone's looking angrily at us now... the old lady near the front seems to be having some kind of nervous breakdown.

Guy 1: Well you can't prove that's my fault!

Guy 2: Yes I can. I can ask her and I bet you she'll say it was your fault.

Guy 1: Lying old woman...

Guy 2: Wait no... I don't think I can ask her anymore...

Guy 1: Why? Oh right, because she's sleeping at the moment. Wow old people just nod off anywhere they want to.

Guy 2: Yeah... sleeping... (Thoughts) Oh please God, I don't ask for much but please let that woman be just sleeping!

Guy 1: Hey long do you think there's left of the flight?

Guy 2: About 14 more hours. Why?

Guy 1: Uuuurrggghhhh!! 14 hours?

Guy 2: Yes. Terrible I know. Who would've thought that travelling half-way across the entire planet took a while?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! I would of course!

Guy 2: Just read a book or something...

Guy 1: Fine...

Guy 1 steals Guy 2's book and starts reading it.

Guy 2: Hey!

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: You stole my book!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. You told me to read something...

Guy 2: Something else!

Guy 1: Be more specific next time.

Guy 2: No. Here read this.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 a very long and large book.

A few hours later:

Guy 1 turns the final page of the book.

Guy 2: Finished already? Wow that was a big book.

Guy 1: No I was just thumbing through each page to see if there were any pictures. There weren't any.

Guy 2: You idiot...

Guy 1: Hey you're the idiot for buying boring books with no pictures.

All of a sudden one of the passengers screams.

Passenger: Agghh!!

Guy 1: What's wrong? What's going on?

He looks at her seat and sees a snake slithering next to it.

Guy 1: Agh! A snake!.... On a plane!

Guy 1 runs over and smashes the snake over the head with the enormous book he's holding. The snake dies instantly. Another two snakes slither into view.

Passenger: Agghh!! More snakes.... on a plane!

Samuel L. Jackson: EVERYWHERE I GO! DAMMIT TO HELL PEOPLE!

Guy 1: Don't worry! I'll save you!

Guy 1 smashes the book down on both of the snakes at the same time. They also die.

Guy 1: Boom! Headshot! Double kill!

Passenger: Oh thank you! Thank you! However can I repay you?

Guy 1: Here. Hold this.

Guy 1 hands her the book.

Guy 1: I don't want it.

Guy 1 sits back down next to Guy 2.

Guy 1: I apologise. You're not an idiot for buying stupid books... your books come in handy for killing things.

Guy 2: Where did the snakes come from?

Guy 1: I don't know. Somewhere... possibly a box or something... Hey got any more books I can read?

Guy 2: (Sighs) Fine. Have this one I've finished it.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 the book. The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

To Be Continued...

The Holiday Prt 1

2009-03-28T09:56:00.001+09:00

Guy 2 was calmly standing the shower brushing his teeth. He was starting to eye the soap, pretending he had no abnormal fears of this yellow bar of cleanliness, when suddenly Guy 1 opens the shower door.

Guy 1: Hey

Guy 2: WAAA!

Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...

Guy 2: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?

Guy 1: Looking for batteries.

Guy 2: I'm having a shower!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.

Guy 2: GET OUT! GET OUT!

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.

Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!

Guy 1: Thankyou.

Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.

Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?

Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.

Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.

He shivers.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.

Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.

Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.

Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?

Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.

Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?

Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?

Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!

Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.

Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.

Guy 1: Gafah!

Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!

Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.

Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?

Guy 1: No.

Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.

Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?

Guy 1: They also blew up.

Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?

Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?

Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?

Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!

Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.

Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.

Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.

Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...

Guy 2: You have a list?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.

Guy 2: You did wha-

Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!

Guy 2: Really? Wow!

Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!

Guy 2: Toronto?

Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!

Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?

Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.

Guy 2: Why Chicago?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.

Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.

Guy 2: Yes... it is...

Guy 1: To Google Earth!

Cut to: Guy 2's computer.

Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.

Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?

Guy 1: 42.

Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...

Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.

Guy 2: See? Illinois.

Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.

Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.

Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.

Guy 2 sits there.

Guy 1: Well?

Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...

Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.

Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.

Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.

Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.

Guy 1: Neither does your mum.

Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...

Cut to: The supermarket.

A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....

Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.

Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.

Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.

Guy 1: There. All done.

Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.

Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.

Guy 2: Um... yeah.

Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.

Guy 2: Right.

Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.

Guy 2: I guess so.

Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.

Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?

Guy 1: I already did that.

Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.

Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?

Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.

Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?

Guy 1: What makes you think that?

Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?

Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.

Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?

Guy 1: In an hour.

Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?

Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.

Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...

Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?

Guy 2: Near the phone.

Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.

Person: Hello.

Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.

Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.

Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.

Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.

Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?

Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.

Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.

Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.

Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.

Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.

Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.

Man: OK... Where do you live?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Man: Huh?

Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.

Guy 1: Hello.

Man: Hello.

Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?

Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 1: Hehehe...

Guy 2: What are you laughing at?

Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.

Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.

Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!

Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.

Guy 1: Wha?

Guy 2: Suck.

Guy 1: Dammit...

The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.

To Be Continued...

Introduction to the Universe

2009-03-25T17:43:00.001+09:00

Hello everyone. This blog is going to be completely fictional (except for this introduction) and will be assorted blog entries, stories and information/character biographies from the perspective of/about select characters (Mainly "Bilby" whom is merely named that when needed to refer to him. It is not his name merely a word loosely associated with him as you will eventually notice.) within a fictional universe of my own design (hence the title of the blog.) Those who are fans of my youtube channel (crazybilby) would have seen this universe being developed but things didn't turn out how I wanted and so instead of have a concentric idea and theme with the same three recurring characters I was forced to do the odd script I wrote for fun without managing to really link it to the universe I wanted. The only thing I have succeeded in creating is a character without any mention of a name (Although unfortunately I never really got to create the running joke where none of the characters know his name either so I'm trying to make a joke about that in every script I write from now on.)

OK quick run down of the universe you are about to enter:
There are a few main characters. The main one is not the brightest of people and is often finding very strange things to do in strange situations that aren't impossible but just seem implausible. He is often suggested to be older than he looks but is never actually given a proper age and has no sense of proper social interaction so occasionally does things people consider strange or invasive (like barging into someones house without saying you're coming or knocking) He is often referred to as "Guy 1" in scripts (because he lacks a name).
His best friend just met him one day and they just talked. Somehow they became friends from this even though there were never actually told anything about the other. He has no idea what "Bilby"s name is and rarely ever stops to think about this. Quite lazy at times, he'd must rather sit around the house all day than to let his friend indulge in weird activities. (That sounded dirty... it's not really.) He is often referred to as "Guy 2" in scripts. I'll be trying to write a lot of these entries in novel form not script form instead (but scripts are easy and fun)
Cameraman. Extremely sexy, slim, and sometimes even violent person who, ironically being the most attractive person in the group, is never actually shown in front of the camera (This universe kind of messes with your brain. Because it's a reality where the characters occasionally act aware they are subjects of films of fiction whereas this is, at times, reality to them and so nothing ever changes.) but rarely ever complains about this. She is however slightly sensitive about her single-purpose in life to document a bunch of people as she thinks of as completely insane.

Have fun. I'll write something eventually...

----

Guy 1: Dude! A new car!

Guy 2: yeah my mother bought it yesterday after our old car was stolen by some psycho that scribbled words on the driveway in blood. Want to have a ride in it?

Guy 1: Sure.

They approach the car and get in. Guy 1 gets in the back and Guy 2 gets in the front. Before he moves to the driver’s seat he stops. He sees a man sitting in it already.

Guy 2: Dude… what are you doing in my car?

Hobo: I live here.