CBM 15: Fatty Bilby

Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?

Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?

Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?

Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.

Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.

Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.

Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Guy 2 is watching the TV.

Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?

Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!

Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.

The sounds of gunshots can be heard.

Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?

Guy 2 chuckles to himself.

Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…

Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?

Guy 2 turns off the TV.

Guy 2: What guy?

Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?

Guy 2: What dog?

Cameraman: Oh never mind…

Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…

Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…

Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.

Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?

Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?

Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.

Worker 1: Well… good for them then.

Cut to: Guy 2’s house.

Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?

Guy 2: I… live here?

Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…

Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.

Guy 4: Are you sure?

Guy 4 walks in and looks around.

Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…

Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.

Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.

Guy 2: Who?

Guy 4: That guy… that…

Guy 2 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.

Guy 2: Oh!

Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?

Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…

Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.

Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.

Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.

Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.

Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.

Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.

Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.

Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.

Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!

Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.

Guy 4: I’m not short!

Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?

Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.

Guy 4 walks out the door.

Guy 2: What was that all about?

Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.

Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.

Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.

Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?

Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!

Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…

Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…

Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.

Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…

(Long pause)

Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?

Cameraman: I thought you would.

Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.

Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Cameraman: Cameramancist…

Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.

Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.

Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.

Guy 3: What!? Why?

Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.

Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?

Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.

Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.

To be continued...

CBM 14: The Evil Sewing Room

Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.

Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!

Guy 1 looks around.

Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.

Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!

Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.

Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.

Worker 1 looks proud.

Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.

Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.

Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…

Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.

Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.

Worker 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?

Guy 2: What?

Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?

Guy 2: No…

Worker 1: Please?

Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.

Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!

Guy 2 gets up and walks away.

Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!

Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.

Worker 1: Nooooooo!

Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.

Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?

Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?

Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!

Guy 1: And issues.

Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?

Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.

Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!

Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!

Worker 1: Exactly.

Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.

Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.

Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…

Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…

Guy 1: Uh…

Worker 1: By we I mean me.

Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.

Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.

Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?

Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.

Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?

Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.

Guy 1: I’m human.

Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.

Guy 1: Scientists?

Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.

Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.

Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.

Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.

Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?

Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.

Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.

Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-

Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?

Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.

Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?

Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.

Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?

Guy 1: I’m not alien.

Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!

Guy 1: That makes no sense.

Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!

Guy 1: You’re strange.

Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.

Guy 1: OK…

Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.

Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.

Worker 1: Good.

Guy 1: No more.

Worker 1: Yes OK.

Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.

Worker 1: OK story time.

Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.

Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.

Guy 1: And what are they telling you?

Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…

Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.

Worker 1: Really?

Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.

Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.

Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?

Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!

Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.

Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.

Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?

While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.

Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!

Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.

Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.

Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.

Worker 1: It was.

Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.

Worker 1: Yes I did.

Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.

Worker 1: Why thankyou…

Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!

Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.

Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.

Worker 1: Thankyou!

Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.

Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.

Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?

Guy 1 snaps out of it.

Guy 1: Hm?

Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?

Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.

Worker 1 holds up a stick.

Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.

Guy 1: Interesting.

Worker 1: I hit people with it.

Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?

Worker 1: Its name is Steve.

Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?

Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.

Guy 1: I-

Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!

To be continued...