Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Showing posts with label muppets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label muppets. Show all posts
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
CBM 15: Fatty Bilby
Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
CBM 12: The Muppet Show
Guy 1 is holding a phone.
Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: Who was that?
Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?
Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?
Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…
Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?
Guy 2: Oh you’re here.
Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!
Guy 1: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Are you high?
(Pause)
Cameraman: Uh… no…
Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?
Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…
Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.
(Pause)
Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.
Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.
(Pause)
Everyone starts laughing.
Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.
Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…
Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?
(Pause)
Guy 1: I like that idea.
Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?
Guy 1: Huh?
Cameraman: Nothing…
Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.
Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?
Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…
Cameraman: So never technically.
Guy 1: Aww…
Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?
Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.
Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.
Guy 1: And you never will.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Nothing.
Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?
Guy 1: Where we started?
Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?
Guy 1: How is that where we started?
Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?
Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?
Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 2: On drugs.
Guy 1: What?
Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!
Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!
Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!
Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…
Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?
Guy 2 giggles.
Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.
Guy 1: Turn it off!
Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…
The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.
Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.
Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!
Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!
Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.
Guy 1 holds up his hand.
Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.
Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.
Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…
Guy 1: Good.
Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.
Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!
Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!
Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!
Cameraman: Next Saturday.
Guy 2: I’ll see you there.
Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.
Guy 2: Mine all expired.
Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…
Guy 1: No…
Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!
Cameraman punches Guy 1.
Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.
Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!
Guy 2: And I agree with her.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.
Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?
(Pause)
Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: Who was that?
Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?
Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?
Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…
Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?
Guy 2: Oh you’re here.
Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!
Guy 1: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Are you high?
(Pause)
Cameraman: Uh… no…
Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?
Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…
Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.
(Pause)
Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.
Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.
(Pause)
Everyone starts laughing.
Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.
Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…
Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?
(Pause)
Guy 1: I like that idea.
Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?
Guy 1: Huh?
Cameraman: Nothing…
Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.
Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?
Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…
Cameraman: So never technically.
Guy 1: Aww…
Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?
Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.
Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.
Guy 1: And you never will.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Nothing.
Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?
Guy 1: Where we started?
Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?
Guy 1: How is that where we started?
Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?
Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?
Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 2: On drugs.
Guy 1: What?
Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!
Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!
Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!
Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…
Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?
Guy 2 giggles.
Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.
Guy 1: Turn it off!
Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…
The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.
Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.
Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!
Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!
Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.
Guy 1 holds up his hand.
Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.
Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.
Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…
Guy 1: Good.
Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.
Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!
Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!
Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!
Cameraman: Next Saturday.
Guy 2: I’ll see you there.
Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.
Guy 2: Mine all expired.
Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…
Guy 1: No…
Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!
Cameraman punches Guy 1.
Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.
Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!
Guy 2: And I agree with her.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.
Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?
(Pause)
Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.
To be continued...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
CBM 7: Sesame Street
Cut to: Guy 1 walking down the path next to the shops.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
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