Authors Note: How good is your Australian history/politics? John Howard a short bald man with large eyebrows and Australia's federation was 1901. We were a country! Yay!
Guy 1 is standing outside the local shops with a sandwich board saying, “The End of The World is Nigh!” on it. A person walks past him.
Guy 1: Yeah you better keep walking because the world is ending.
A person walks up to him.
Person: Hey man.
Guy 1: Hey.
Person: Still trying to tell people the world is ending?
Guy 1: Yeah it’s really hard no on believes a word I say.
Person: Maybe because you’ve been standing in the same spot every Saturday saying the same thing. You’d think it would’ve ended by now.
Guy 1: Yeah… but hey one day I’ll be right.
Person: Good luck with that! See you next week.
Guy 1: And you… oh by the way what’s the time?
Person: Oh it’s uh…
The person looks at their watch.
Person: Nearly noon.
Guy 1: Oh no I’m late. Thanks!
Guy 1 walks off and the person shakes their head and mutters to themselves.
Person: Strange retarded kid…
Guy 1 runs down the path and takes off his sandwich board. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a piece of paper and looks at it. He crosses the road and starts walking up a street when he meets up with Guy 2.
Guy 1: Hey man, are you sure this is the right way?
Guy 2: Yeah it says on this map.
Guy 2 shows Guy 1 a map with a few trees and buildings poorly drawn on it with an arrow pointing to one of the houses.
Guy 1: Wow this is a pretty good map.
Guy 2: Yeah I know!
They walk down the street and turn and look at the house. It’s Guy 2’s house.
Guy 2: What the?
Guy 1: Yeah I know… it’s a total piece of junk…
Guy 2: No… this is my house… it’s my house!
Guy 1: Yeah… a piece of junk.
Guy 2: But I left from this house then followed the map.
Guy 2 gets out the map and looks at it then turns it over. On the back it says “Yes I know just go in anyway.”
They walk in and Guy 3 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch. Guy 3 gets up and shows them to the couch.
Guy 1: Yes I can get to the couch by myself.
Guy 2: I can’t.
The Guys sit down and Guy 3 steps up next to the entrance.
Guy 3: Let me introduce… the leader!
Guy 3 points his arms in the direction of the dining room. Guy 1 and 2 stare and nothing happens.
Guy 4: Ahem.
Guy 1 and 2 look down.
Guy 4: Hello.
Guy 1: Go away shorty we’re waiting for the leader.
Guy 4 stands there patiently.
Guy 3: Uh I think you’ll find that-
Guy 1: Bah bah bah! I’m waiting for the leader…
Guy 4: Ahem.
Guy 1 leans closer to Guy 4.
Guy 1: Yes Mr. Midget? Are you lost?
Guy 4 grabs Guy 1 by the collar.
Guy 4: Listen retard I am the leader!
Guy 1 looks scared for a second as he looks at Guy 4’s angry face but then bursts out laughing and falls over and hits the floor.
(Pause)
Guy 1 continues laughing. Guy 4 starts kicking him.
Guy 4: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Guy 1: Bahahahaha! But it’s- Ow! - So - ow! – Funny! Ow!
A small Asian steps in and starts poking Guy 1.
Guy 1: What’s going on? Why is he poking me?
Guy 4: He’s my bodyguard. He doesn’t hurt people who insult or disobey me he just annoys the hell out of them until they give in.
Guy 1: OK fine! Please just make him stop!
Guy 4: You! Stop!
The Asian stands up and salutes Guy 4.
Asian: Yes master.
Guy 1 scrambles to his feet.
Guy 1: So why again are we here?
Guy 4: We are here so you can join the most secretive and powerful organizations in the history of the federation of Australia.
Guy 1: Oh “The World” was already taken by the Freemasons was it?
Guy 4: Silence! Only I may talk while I am talking! And no, it was the cult of Walmart.
Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Asian (Guy 5) goes over and ruffles Guy 1’s hair continuously.
Guy 1: Fine! Sorry now make this strange person stop!
Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 stops.
Guy 4: Ok… long before the Federation of Australia lots of very important and amazing things happened such as the Declaration of Independence was signed in America, the American civil war, The Boston Tea Party and Man walked on the moon.
Guy 2: Uh I beg to differ…
Guy 4: Yes?
Guy 2: I disagree on one thing, which I think is pretty obvious to everyone in this room and probably the rest of the world… The Boston Tea Party wasn’t actually that amazing.
Guy 1: Oh yes I agree.
Cameraman: Yeah I mean seriously come on!
Guy 4: OK fine. All in favour of excluding the Boston Tea Party from the list of amazing and important things say “Ai!”
Everyone says “Ai!”
Guy 4: OK. Now none of those things actually matter because they’re all American and have nothing to do with the story so forget they ever happened.
Guy 1: So you’re saying America is run by the British, endorses slavery and never walked on the moon?
(Pause)
Guy 4: Yes. They also enjoy tea and have taxes for playing cards.
Guy 1: Oh OK just want to make sure that’s all. Please continue.
Guy 4: OK so then one day Australia broke free from mother England and many people were opposed to this idea… so we created this organization that continues to pay respect to England in all it’s glory.
Guy 1: Well I’m out.
Guy 1 gets up but Girl 1 and Guy 2 grab him and pull him back onto the couch.
Guy 1: Or… not…
Guy 4: But rejecting the way of life the government chooses for us is never enough for us.
Guy 2: It never is… it just never is…
Guy 4: So we decided to take over the government in secret.
Cameraman: Gasp! My word! Really?
Guy 4: And so we succeeded and have secretly been ruling the country in the Name of the Queen ever since…
Guy 1: Bravo! My word what a jolly good job you’ve done old fellow! Brilliant!
Guy 4: Please do not mock the British way of speaking.
Guy 1: Sorry…
Guy 2 puts his hand up and Guy 3 puts a mike near him and he takes it away and speaks into it.
Guy 2: But how does this benefit us?
Guy 4: I’m glad you asked that question. You see most people aren’t happy with a short annoying man ruling their country. If you join me you won’t have to serve under an annoying midget anymore you’ll just have to serve under me.
Guy 1: I fail to see the advantage in that.
Guy 2: Sh! Maybe if we join we can get rid of John Howard!
Guy 4: No sorry he’s made a deal with the devil to rule your country for the next twenty years. I’m sorry but even we can’t go against Satan.
Guy 1: You (BEEP)! You promised us power and now we have to serve under Satan too!?
Guy 4: I never promised you power I promised you the ability to serve under me and we don’t take orders from Satan. We asked him nicely to go away and he did… we also gave him some flowers… he thought it was a kind gesture but he said they’d burn up in hell. True story.
Girl 1 raises one of her eyebrows.
Guy 1: Of course… ask nicely… so that’s why people keep punching me in the face…
Cut to: Kitchen.
Guy 1: Hey! Give me some food or die!
Guy 1 gets punched in the face.
Cut to: Outside.
Guy 1: Hey! Pass me the ball because you suck!
The ball hits Guy 1 in the head.
Cut to: Living room.
Guy 4: Uh… huh… yeah OK just remember that for the future.
Guy 1: Oh nah I can’t… not after flashback number two… those basketballs are pretty hard.
Guy 2: It’s also fun to throw them!
To be continued...
Showing posts with label prt 3. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prt 3. Show all posts
Monday, November 16, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 3
Part One
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
To Be continued...
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Holiday Prt 3
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
To Be Continued…
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