"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Holiday Prt 1

Guy 2 was calmly standing the shower brushing his teeth. He was starting to eye the soap, pretending he had no abnormal fears of this yellow bar of cleanliness, when suddenly Guy 1 opens the shower door.

Guy 1: Hey

Guy 2: WAAA!

Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...


Guy 1: Looking for batteries.

Guy 2: I'm having a shower!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.


Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.

Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!

Guy 1: Thankyou.

Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.

Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?

Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.

Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.

He shivers.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.

Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.

Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.

Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?

Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.

Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?

Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?

Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!

Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.

Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.

Guy 1: Gafah!

Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!

Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.

Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?

Guy 1: No.

Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.

Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?

Guy 1: They also blew up.

Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?

Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?

Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?

Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!

Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.

Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.

Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.

Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...

Guy 2: You have a list?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.

Guy 2: You did wha-

Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!

Guy 2: Really? Wow!

Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!

Guy 2: Toronto?

Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!

Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?

Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.

Guy 2: Why Chicago?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.

Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.

Guy 2: Yes... it is...

Guy 1: To Google Earth!

Cut to: Guy 2's computer.

Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.

Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?

Guy 1: 42.

Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...

Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.

Guy 2: See? Illinois.

Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.

Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.

Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.

Guy 2 sits there.

Guy 1: Well?

Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...

Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.

Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.

Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.

Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.

Guy 1: Neither does your mum.

Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...

Cut to: The supermarket.

A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....

Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.

Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.

Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.

Guy 1: There. All done.

Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.

Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.

Guy 2: Um... yeah.

Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.

Guy 2: Right.

Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.

Guy 2: I guess so.

Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.

Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?

Guy 1: I already did that.

Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.

Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?

Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.

Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?

Guy 1: What makes you think that?

Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?

Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.

Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?

Guy 1: In an hour.

Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?

Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.

Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...

Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?

Guy 2: Near the phone.

Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.

Person: Hello.

Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.

Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.

Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.

Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.

Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?

Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.

Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.

Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.

Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.

Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.

Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.

Man: OK... Where do you live?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Man: Huh?

Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.

Guy 1: Hello.

Man: Hello.

Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?

Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 1: Hehehe...

Guy 2: What are you laughing at?

Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.

Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.

Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!

Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.

Guy 1: Wha?

Guy 2: Suck.

Guy 1: Dammit...

The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.

To Be Continued...