"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Holiday Prt 4

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:

The mugger raises his knife again.

Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?

Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!

Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!

Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)

Mugger: What?

Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)

Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!

Guy 1: Qué?

The Mugger walks off.

Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!

Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.

Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!

Guy 1: Yay for being alive!

Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?

Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!

Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?

Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.

Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?

Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.

Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.

Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!

The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.

Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…

The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?

Guy 1: This or death.

Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?

Guy 1: Why are you whispering?

Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!

Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.

Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.

Guy 2: What did you just do?

Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.

Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.

Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…

Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?

Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.

Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.

Guy 2: Not funny!

Guy 1: I’m sorry…

Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.

Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.

Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!

Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…

The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”

Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…

Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?

Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.

Guy 1: Any good stories?

Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.

Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.

Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.

Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.

Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.

The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.

Man with Lighter: What!?

He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.

Guy 2: They did what now?

Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”

Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?

Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 2: Yeah, good point.

Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.

Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!

Guy 2: Oh please no…

Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…

The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.

Guy 2: What were you saying?

Guy 1: Um… Jelly!

Guy 2: No. No jelly…

Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.

Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!

Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!

Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?

Guy 2: The bus driver!

The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.

Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?

Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…

Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...

Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.

Guy 2: What the hell was that!?

The bus driver leant out the window.

Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!

The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.

Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.

Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.

Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.

Guy 1: Me too.

Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…

Guy 1: I suppose I did…

Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!

Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.

The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.

Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Guy 1: Hey wait a second…

The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.

Guy 1: I know you!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.

Wizard: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?

Wizard: How are you?

Guy 2: We flew here…

Wizard: So did I.

Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?

Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?

Guy 2: Um…

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…

Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?

Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…

Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.

Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.

Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?

The bus blows up.

Guy 2: What the hell!?

The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.

Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!

Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!

Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…

Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!

Guy 2: I’m sorry…

Guy 1: Pft…

Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?

Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.

Guy 2: So how well does that pay?

Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.

Guy 2: OK…

Off in the distance a car is approaching.

Guy 1: Hey look a car!

Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!

They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.

Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?

Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.

Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.

Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!

Sally laughs.

Sally: OK hop in.

They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.

Guy 1: Oh sorry-

Guy 2: No you-

Guy 1: If you insist-

Guy 2: No me!

They both struggle for the doorhandle.

Sally: Um, having trouble?

Guy 1 and 2: No!

They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.

Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?

Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!

Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?

To Be Continued…

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Holiday Prt 3

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.

Guy 2: Was that it?

Captain: Yes. Yes it was.

Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?

Captain: I can't hear you...

Guy 2: Yes you can.

Captain: No I can't.

Guy 2: Yes you can!

Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?

Captain: Exactly.

Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...

Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...

Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.

Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...

Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.

Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-

Guy 2 closes his eyes again.

Captain: Be faithful-

Guy 2 opens his eyes.

Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.

Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.

Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!

Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal

Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.

Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.

Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.

Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!

The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.

Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?

Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!

Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!

Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.

Other Security guards rush over to the scene.

Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?

Guy 1: What'd you call me?

Security Guard 2: SILENCE!

The security guard spits on Guy 1.

Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?

Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...

The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.

Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!

Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.

Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!

Guy 1: Neither do I!

Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!

Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?

Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...

Guy 1: Come on!

Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!

Security Guard: You sound foreign.

Guy 2: We're Australian!

Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...

Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!

Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?

Guy 1: Only in school.

Security Guard 1: Aha!

The first security guard raises his fist to strike.

Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!

Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .

Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-

Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!

The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.

Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.

The Man starts typing at his computer.

Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?

Guy 1: Yes.

Man: Hmm?

Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...

Man: Very good...

The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.

Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?

Man: You.

The Man looked at Guy 2.

Guy 1: Ah OK.

Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...

Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...

Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.

Guy 1: I was.

Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.

Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.

Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!

Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.

Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.

Man: Hmm...

The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.

Guy 2: Hmm?

Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.

Guy 2: What?

Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.

Guy 2: Oh thank you!

They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.

Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?

Man: We know already that he's harmless.

Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.

Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...

Cut to: The car park of the airport.

Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!

Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?

Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!

Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.

Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?

Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.

Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.

The both get into the taxi.

Taxi Driver: Where to?

Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!

Taxi Driver: Rightio.

He drives off.

Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?

Guy 2: Um... sorta.

Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?

Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?

Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.

Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.

Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.

Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?

Taxi Driver: Yeah.

Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.

Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?

Guy 2: All the time.

Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.

Guy 2: You do that.

Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.

The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.

Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.

Guy 1 turns around.

Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?

Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.

Woman behind counter: Here you go.

Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!

Woman behind counter: Sorry?

Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!

The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.

Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!

Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?

Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?

Guy 2 smiles a bit.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…

Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?

Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!

The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Guy 1: I do not speak English!

To Be Continued…