"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Monday, March 30, 2009

The Holiday Prt 2

Part 1: Here

Guy 2 and Guy 1 are sitting in a taxi as it drives them to the airport.

Guy 2: Hey if we're going straight to the airport then what about your luggage? Isn't it at your house?

Guy 1: No. I sent it to the airport in advance. It should be there waiting for us...

Guy 2: You can do that?

Guy 1: I sure hope so...

The taxi arrives at the airport and they get out. There's a large pile of suitcases piled near the footpath.

Guy 1: Ah. My luggage.

Guy 2: What? You just left a bunch of suitcases on the ground outside an airport and hoped they'd still be there a few hours later?

Guy 1: Yeah.... it worked didn't it?

Guy 2: That's not the point! Someone could've really easily stolen it!

Guy 1: No they couldn't have. Look.

Guy 1 walks over and shows Guy 2 a tag with the words "Please do not steal this - xo." written on it.

Guy 1: Everyone obeys the tag. I once put one on a lamp post saying "Please leave your pants
here" and when I came back to it I had a new pair of pants!

Guy 2: Were those the pants with the holes in them, the burn marks and smelt worse than a dead fish?

Guy 1: Yeah! And they were free!

Guy 2: Yeah... good for you... well I'm going to go check in.

Guy 2 unloads his luggage from the back of the taxi and pays the taxi driver. He then walks into the airport and checks in. He checks his watch and it's nearly time to take off. He looks around but doesn't see Guy 1 anywhere.

Guy 2: Where is he? We need to get on the plane real soon...

He looks at his watch once more and starts to wander near the entrance to the plane. Eventually a voice comes over the intercom.

Voice: Flight 599 is preparing for take off. Can all passengers please board the plane.

Guy 2: I know! It's time for an internal monologue! (Inside his head) If he doesn't arrive soon they'll call his name out over the speakers. He can't get a plane ticket without a passport and some form of identification... they must have his name on record!

Guy 2 waits near the entrance. The woman checking tickets looks at him.

Guy 2: I'm waiting for my friend... He was really insistent on boarding the plane with me. He's special you know...

The woman nods. The speakers once again crackle and a voice comes through.

Voice: Not all passengers have boarded, can um...

Guy 2: (Inside his mind) This is it!

Voice: Hey what does that say? (Pause) Then what do I say? OK. The person who is approximately 5"11 with brown eyes and brownie-red hair please board flight 599. You know
where you are.

Guy 2: DAMMIT! So close!

The woman gives him a strange look.

Guy 2: Hey this may sound like the strangest thing you've ever heard but um... can I get a copy of the flight manifest so I can see the names of the people on this flight... so I know what my friends name is...

Woman: Sorry sir I cannot give you that. Especially not so you can find out the name of your friend... that.... yeah that is quite strange... are you sure he's the one who's special not you?

Guy 2: You know sometimes I'm not sure...

Guy 2 hands his ticket to the woman and she checks it. Just as he's about to walk in Guy 1 runs up and hands his ticket to the woman.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey?

Guy 1: Yeah it's like hello only spelt differently.

Woman: Can you two please board the plane?

Guy 2: OK.

They walk into the plane and find their seats.

Guy 2: What happened?

Guy 1: When? Because you know there have been an awful lot of things that happened...

Guy 2: Where were you? They had to call for you over the loud speakers.

Guy 1: They were calling me? Oh... well I didn't hear my name being called out so yeah...

Guy 2: What is your na-

Guy 1: But I was late because this really tall man was talking to me.


Guy 2: About?

Guy 1: It's a secret. He was American... spoke really good English for an American too. I was impressed.

Guy 2: All American's speak English...

Guy 1: Hahahaha! That's funny!

Guy 2: It's true.

Guy 1: Sure.

The Captain's voice comes over a speaker.

Captain: This is your captain speaking.... not your cook, not your mother, not your long lost
uncle, not your massage therapist and definitely not your boyfriend...

Girl: What?

Captain: Yeah, it's over between us woman in seat C15. Enjoy the flight you slut! OK, well for the rest of you we're about to take off. Please fasten your seatbelts SO YOU DON'T CHEAT ON ME!

Guy 2: I don't think I want to be on this flight...

Captain: Too bad!

Guy 2: Oh great...

The plane took off.

Guy 1: So ever been to another country before?

Guy 2: Yeah I've been to Iceland before. I was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah, then he asked me where the bathroom was and got out a book with English phrases in it.

Guy 1: That's quite strange. Did you direct him to the toilet?

Guy 2: No but I directed my fists to his face which introduced him to the ground. The ground was accompanied by my foot. My foot soon became acquainted with his ribs and they hit it off instantly. His teeth were jealous so we had a threesome and then I walked off after I got tired.

Guy 1: You always do. Your relationships don't last very long.

Guy 2: Yeah the strange thing was he started yelling after at me saying "I would like to order a ham and cheese sandwich!" It was so weird.

Guy 1: Do you think he didn't know what he was doing?

Guy 2: I'm pretty sure he knew he was bleeding from the mouth I'm sure of that.

Guy 1: Wow. You're violent.

Guy 2: What about you?

Guy 1: No I'm a pacifist.

Guy 2: No I meant have you ever been to another country?

Guy 1: I've been around a few places... France, Belgium, Morocco, England, Brazil. Yeah I remember I was in Paris once and this guy came up and threw a piece of bread straight at my head and yelled "Merde!" at me very, very loudly. Then he stabbed a lady right next to him. Then he gave her money as he said "branleur" to her. It was so random. Then I said thanks and ate the bread.

Guy 2: Did you report the crime?

Guy 1: No. It's France.

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: Dude. Don't mess with the affairs of other countries.

Guy 2: But-

Guy 1: You just don't OK?

Guy 2: Fine...

Guy 2 picks up a book and starts to read to pass the time. Guy 1 looks around to see if he can find something to entertain himself with. He leans over towards the person in the seat across the aisle.

Guy 1: Hey.

The man turns and looks at him.

Man: Yes?

Guy 1: Are you a racist?

Man: Um... No?

Guy 1: Are you sure?

Man: Yes.

Guy 1: OK. Because you just look like the kind of guy who likes to wear white pyjamas, cover his face and go burning some crosses and killing some black people.

Man: Who says that to people!?

Guy 1: Me. Duh. It's just the way that your hair is pointed up. Hey so you know, what are your opinions on foreigners?

Man: You do realise that I'm going to a different country right now right? I obviously do not have any qualms with other countries.

Guy 1: I suppose so...

Guy 1 turns back to facing forward. He leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I wonder what would happen if I jumped up right now and told everyone to get on the floor? Hmm...

Guy 1 jumps out of his seat.


All the passengers panic and put their heads down. They all scrambled onto the floor and lie there shivering and crying. Guy 2 looks around confused at everyone. Nothing happens for a while and there's complete silence.

Guy 2: What are you doing?

Someone on the floor looks up and sees that nothings happening. People start to whisper and murmur in confusion. Someone tries to get up but the person next to them quickly drags them back down and tells them off quickly. One of the men gathers enough courage to speak.

Man 2: Um... or what?

Guy 1: Huh?

Man 2: Are you going to kill us all if we don't stay quiet and remain on the floor?

Guy 1: No. Just... wanted to see what would happen if I told everyone to get on the floor. You all did! That's pretty cool huh? That was pretty funny you got to admit.

Guy 2: You're going to get us all arrested...

Guy 1: For what? Talking loudly on a plane?

Man 2: Can we get up now?

Guy 1: Yeah sure. It's not like I'm going to blow you up.

Just as he said "I'm going to blow you up" a stewardess walks through a door. She sees Guy 1 standing up and everyone else besides Guy 2 lying on the floor and freezes. She drops the tray of refreshments she was holding.

Guy 1: Oh a stewardess... Hey um... want to uh... join... this... game... of.... who can lie on the floor the fastest? Yeah... uh... HE LOST!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Oh uh yeah um... damn. I lost. Yeah. I fail. Haha OK let's have another round. Come on everyone can get up now... please get up off the floor.

Everyone slowly inches off the floor and back to their seats.

Guy 1: OK and... everyone get on the floor now!

Everyone remains seated.

Man 2: Go screw yourself!

Guy 1: Hehe... he... Uh.... yeah!

Stewardess: Right...

She picks up the tray she has dropped and disappears back into another part of the plane.

Guy 1: I think that went quite well considering...

Guy 2: Don't you dare do that again! Ever! We were so close to being tackled to the ground and taken away forever where we'll never see the light of day again! And I like daylight! It's better than moonlight!

Guy 1: You've obviously never had a moontan.

Guy 2: Have you?

Guy 1: No, they're incredibly hard to get.

Guy 2: Everyone's looking angrily at us now... the old lady near the front seems to be having some kind of nervous breakdown.

Guy 1: Well you can't prove that's my fault!

Guy 2: Yes I can. I can ask her and I bet you she'll say it was your fault.

Guy 1: Lying old woman...

Guy 2: Wait no... I don't think I can ask her anymore...

Guy 1: Why? Oh right, because she's sleeping at the moment. Wow old people just nod off anywhere they want to.

Guy 2: Yeah... sleeping... (Thoughts) Oh please God, I don't ask for much but please let that woman be just sleeping!

Guy 1: Hey long do you think there's left of the flight?

Guy 2: About 14 more hours. Why?

Guy 1: Uuuurrggghhhh!! 14 hours?

Guy 2: Yes. Terrible I know. Who would've thought that travelling half-way across the entire planet took a while?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! I would of course!

Guy 2: Just read a book or something...

Guy 1: Fine...

Guy 1 steals Guy 2's book and starts reading it.

Guy 2: Hey!

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: You stole my book!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. You told me to read something...

Guy 2: Something else!

Guy 1: Be more specific next time.

Guy 2: No. Here read this.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 a very long and large book.

A few hours later:

Guy 1 turns the final page of the book.

Guy 2: Finished already? Wow that was a big book.

Guy 1: No I was just thumbing through each page to see if there were any pictures. There weren't any.

Guy 2: You idiot...

Guy 1: Hey you're the idiot for buying boring books with no pictures.

All of a sudden one of the passengers screams.

Passenger: Agghh!!

Guy 1: What's wrong? What's going on?

He looks at her seat and sees a snake slithering next to it.

Guy 1: Agh! A snake!.... On a plane!

Guy 1 runs over and smashes the snake over the head with the enormous book he's holding. The snake dies instantly. Another two snakes slither into view.

Passenger: Agghh!! More snakes.... on a plane!


Guy 1: Don't worry! I'll save you!

Guy 1 smashes the book down on both of the snakes at the same time. They also die.

Guy 1: Boom! Headshot! Double kill!

Passenger: Oh thank you! Thank you! However can I repay you?

Guy 1: Here. Hold this.

Guy 1 hands her the book.

Guy 1: I don't want it.

Guy 1 sits back down next to Guy 2.

Guy 1: I apologise. You're not an idiot for buying stupid books... your books come in handy for killing things.

Guy 2: Where did the snakes come from?

Guy 1: I don't know. Somewhere... possibly a box or something... Hey got any more books I can read?

Guy 2: (Sighs) Fine. Have this one I've finished it.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 the book. The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

To Be Continued...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Holiday Prt 1

Guy 2 was calmly standing the shower brushing his teeth. He was starting to eye the soap, pretending he had no abnormal fears of this yellow bar of cleanliness, when suddenly Guy 1 opens the shower door.

Guy 1: Hey

Guy 2: WAAA!

Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...


Guy 1: Looking for batteries.

Guy 2: I'm having a shower!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.


Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.

Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!

Guy 1: Thankyou.

Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.

Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?

Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.

Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.

He shivers.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.

Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.

Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.

Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?

Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.

Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?

Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?

Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!

Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.

Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.

Guy 1: Gafah!

Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!

Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.

Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?

Guy 1: No.

Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.

Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?

Guy 1: They also blew up.

Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?

Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?

Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?

Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!

Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.

Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.

Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.

Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...

Guy 2: You have a list?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.

Guy 2: You did wha-

Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!

Guy 2: Really? Wow!

Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!

Guy 2: Toronto?

Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!

Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?

Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.

Guy 2: Why Chicago?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.

Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.

Guy 2: Yes... it is...

Guy 1: To Google Earth!

Cut to: Guy 2's computer.

Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.

Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?

Guy 1: 42.

Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...

Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.

Guy 2: See? Illinois.

Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.

Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.

Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.

Guy 2 sits there.

Guy 1: Well?

Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...

Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.

Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.

Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.

Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.

Guy 1: Neither does your mum.

Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...

Cut to: The supermarket.

A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....

Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.

Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.

Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.

Guy 1: There. All done.

Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.

Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.

Guy 2: Um... yeah.

Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.

Guy 2: Right.

Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.

Guy 2: I guess so.

Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.

Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?

Guy 1: I already did that.

Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.

Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?

Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.

Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?

Guy 1: What makes you think that?

Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?

Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.

Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?

Guy 1: In an hour.

Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?

Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.

Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...

Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?

Guy 2: Near the phone.

Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.

Person: Hello.

Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.

Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.

Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.

Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.

Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?

Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.

Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.

Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.

Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.

Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.

Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.

Man: OK... Where do you live?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Man: Huh?

Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.

Guy 1: Hello.

Man: Hello.

Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?

Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 1: Hehehe...

Guy 2: What are you laughing at?

Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.

Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.

Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!

Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.

Guy 1: Wha?

Guy 2: Suck.

Guy 1: Dammit...

The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.

To Be Continued...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Introduction to the Universe

Hello everyone. This blog is going to be completely fictional (except for this introduction) and will be assorted blog entries, stories and information/character biographies from the perspective of/about select characters (Mainly "Bilby" whom is merely named that when needed to refer to him. It is not his name merely a word loosely associated with him as you will eventually notice.) within a fictional universe of my own design (hence the title of the blog.) Those who are fans of my youtube channel (crazybilby) would have seen this universe being developed but things didn't turn out how I wanted and so instead of have a concentric idea and theme with the same three recurring characters I was forced to do the odd script I wrote for fun without managing to really link it to the universe I wanted. The only thing I have succeeded in creating is a character without any mention of a name (Although unfortunately I never really got to create the running joke where none of the characters know his name either so I'm trying to make a joke about that in every script I write from now on.)

OK quick run down of the universe you are about to enter:
There are a few main characters. The main one is not the brightest of people and is often finding very strange things to do in strange situations that aren't impossible but just seem implausible. He is often suggested to be older than he looks but is never actually given a proper age and has no sense of proper social interaction so occasionally does things people consider strange or invasive (like barging into someones house without saying you're coming or knocking) He is often referred to as "Guy 1" in scripts (because he lacks a name).
His best friend just met him one day and they just talked. Somehow they became friends from this even though there were never actually told anything about the other. He has no idea what "Bilby"s name is and rarely ever stops to think about this. Quite lazy at times, he'd must rather sit around the house all day than to let his friend indulge in weird activities. (That sounded dirty... it's not really.) He is often referred to as "Guy 2" in scripts. I'll be trying to write a lot of these entries in novel form not script form instead (but scripts are easy and fun)
Cameraman. Extremely sexy, slim, and sometimes even violent person who, ironically being the most attractive person in the group, is never actually shown in front of the camera (This universe kind of messes with your brain. Because it's a reality where the characters occasionally act aware they are subjects of films of fiction whereas this is, at times, reality to them and so nothing ever changes.) but rarely ever complains about this. She is however slightly sensitive about her single-purpose in life to document a bunch of people as she thinks of as completely insane.

Have fun. I'll write something eventually...


Guy 1: Dude! A new car!

Guy 2: yeah my mother bought it yesterday after our old car was stolen by some psycho that scribbled words on the driveway in blood. Want to have a ride in it?

Guy 1: Sure.

They approach the car and get in. Guy 1 gets in the back and Guy 2 gets in the front. Before he moves to the driver’s seat he stops. He sees a man sitting in it already.

Guy 2: Dude… what are you doing in my car?

Hobo: I live here.