There was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed. Guy 1 grabbed onto Sally and held her tightly in fear. Everything went incredibly quiet. Everyone looked around. Nothing happened. Guy 1 let go of Sally. Still nothing happened. No ravenous monster or animal came out from the darkness to kill.
Guy 1: What was that?
Sally: I don’t know...
Guy 2: Nothing has happened...
Sally: I know...
Guy 2: That was really anticlimactic.
Sally: It was a bit yeah.
Guy 2: I’m disappointed in whatever it was.
Guy 1: So am I. It set itself up for being seriously scary and then lulled and now the fear is gone. It cannot compete with Gary at all.
Sally: I don’t think that was the intent of the wild animal.
Guy 2: Oh! Perhaps it’s just lulling is into a false sense of security before striking?
Guy 1: Well we’re pretty secure... but let’s wait anyway just in case.
Everyone was perfectly still waiting to see if they would be dragged into the night screaming by some horrid foul creature. Nothing happened for quite some time.
Guy 2: I am feeling very lulled. Isn’t that right?
Guy 1: Yes, I too am feeling very lulled. I am very secure right now in this dark forest. I am glad that I am safe.
Sally: What?
Guy 2: (Quietly) we’re making it know that it has succeeded in lulling us into a false sense of security to lure it out...
Still nothing happens as they all pause.
Guy 1: Absolute disappointment.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 1: I can’t believe our ploy didn’t work!
Guy 2: Yeah, it seemed so foolproof.
Sally: Sigh. So who wants to tell a story next? How about you Wizard?
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: We all know this!
Wizard: I’m a wizard you know.
Guy 2: Yes. We do know.
Wizard: I do wizard things.
Before Guy 2 could yell at the Wizard, Sally asked him a question.
Sally: Do you have an interesting story to do with those wizard things?
Wizard: Not really. It’s mostly accounting.
Guy 2: Being a wizard involves accounting?
Wizard: I can do magic with numbers. I’m a magicmatician.
Guy 2: You are so lame. I bet nothing this terrible has happened to anyone else who decided to take a holiday in Charleston...
Cut to: The Bus Driver. He knocks on a dilapidated old house.
Bus Driver: OK surely this house will have someone who can help me...
The door sways open by itself and the Bus Driver walks in.
Bus Driver: Hello? Anyone?
He readies his machine gun and points aimlessly around the room even though it’s too dark to see. There’s a rustling of thousands of little feet accompanied by something large and thudding. The Bus Driver looks around frantically, his sense of direction now lost.
Bus Driver: Who is there!?
Something grabs him in the dark. There is a loud screeching noise and suddenly everything goes quiet.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2: Everything bad happens to me...
Sally: Aww, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, you met me!
Guy 2: That has so far been a bonus.
Guy 1: And don’t forget you have me to thank for it!
Guy 2: Oh yeah... you. Yay.
Gary: (click)
Guy 1: Thanks Gary.
Sally: Well who else has a story?
Guy 2: I suppose I could tell one.
Sally: Oh please do Mr. Watzisname.
Guy 2: What? Oh never mind. OK. Well one day I was driving along and I went to go round a corner, so I indicated.
Guy 1: I love this story so far.
Guy 2: Shush you. Right, well my indicator stuck yeah so after I had gone round the corner and continued on. But I was constantly indicating right, by the way, we drive on the left in Australia, so when I got onto a double lane road everyone thought I was trying to get into the right lane when I wanted to stay in the left. Hahahaha! Everyone got so annoyed!
Sally: That was... interesting... yeah...
Guy 1: Cool...
Gary: (click).
Sally: Hmm. So, how about you?
Guy 1: Oh I don’t have a story to tell.
Sally: Sure you do.
Guy 1: Yeah, but... I’m tired now...
Guy 2: So I am. Let’s all go to sleep.
Gary: (click)
Wizard: I agree with what Gary just clicked. It was concise but elegant.
Sally: OK I guess it’s been dark for quite some time now. So shall we all sleep, with one of us to stay and feed wood to the fire?
Everyone at once: Yes. Bags not staying up.
Everyone besides Sally instantly lied down and fell asleep.
Sally: Thanks guys... leave me to feed the fire. Typical.
Many hours later that night, Guy 1 stirred from his sleep, with the assistance of Sally poking his face with a stick. It was very effective at helping the process come along quickly.
Guy 1: Ugh... why has the forest come alive and started poking me? Have I angered it?
Sally: Haha. No it’s just me silly. Come on; stay up with me for a while before I go to sleep.
Guy 1: What time is it?
Sally: Midnight... ish.
Guy 1: Mmm. You know, right now it’s midday in Australia.
Sally: That’s pretty cool.
Guy 1: Which makes me wonder why I’m not jet lagged right now... That’s odd. Anyway... Good... morning.
Sally: Good morning. So... the ground’s not too uncomfortable is it?
Guy 1: Oh no. It’s quite alright. Feel it.
Sally: I’m fine thanks haha. But thanks for offering.
Guy 1: Do you think I’ll get sued by mother Earth if I caress the earth for a bit? You know America is full of weird litigation cases like that.
Sally: You really like this ground don’t you?
Guy 1: Yeah. It’s much mulchier feeling... You don’t get much of that where I come from; it doesn’t rain often enough to get lots of plant matter to make the ground like this. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle it back to my country?
Sally: Probably not.
Guy 1 scuttled over to sit next to Sally. They looked up at the stars.
Guy 1: Aliens...
Sally: Hmm?
Guy 1: Aliens.
Guy 1 pointed to the sky.
Guy 1: They’re bound to be out there, right? Sometimes I look up with my binoculars and search for them. They’re not where I can see them, but I figure that’s because there’s a lot that I don’t see... (long pause) Maybe I need a bigger pair of binoculars.
Sally: Haha. Maybe. You know what I love about the country? You can see so much more stars than you can in cities. Light pollution sucks.
Guy 1: I agree.
They looked up at the sky, watching the constellations and talking about how much they enjoyed light and the many things it allowed them to see. Guy 1 at one point nearly though he had seen a UFO but it was only a shooting star. You see I *could* talk about their conversations that they had into the night but quite frankly that’d not be that interesting. Instead...
The next morning Gary, Guy 2 and Wizard awoke to see Sally leaning on Guy 1’s shoulder fast asleep. Guy 2 walked over to them and changed the brightness settings on his phone to max. He shined it in Guy 2’s face.
Guy 2: TRUCK!
Guy 1: AGGGHHH!!
Wizard: AGGGHHH!!
Guy 1: LIGHT POLLUTION! Whoa hey. Why are you showing me your phone? Oh, you’ve got a message.
Guy 2: What?
Guy 2 looked at his phone. He did indeed have a message. He checked it.
Message: Hello valued customer! We’d just like to inform you that your roaming area has increased by %20 due to our harsh and ruthless deforestation of natural environments to build telecommunications towers! Remember, don’t let the hippy propaganda get in the way of text messaging!
Guy 2: AWESOME! Hey guys! We now have phone reception in the woods! We’re saved!
Sally stirred from her slumber.
Guy 2: Sally! Good news! Deforestation has saved us!
Sally: What? That’s horrible!
Guy 2: No it’s not you hippy propagandist. Now, what do I dial to get us rescued?
Sally: 991.
Guy 2: Really? That’s such a stupid number. Are you sure that’s right? Wizard?
Wizard: I’m not sure either... Perhaps you should look up Wikipedia.
Guy 2: Oh right yeah. OK hang on a sec.
Sally: Just trust me it’s 991!
Guy 2: Yeah, but I’m just double checking OK? Don’t want to be wrong about these things... Stupid phone internet takes so long to load...
Sally: Wait, your phone is fancy enough to have internet access?
Guy 2: Yeah, why?
Sally: Well surely it’d also be equipped with some kind of GPS like function right?
Guy 2: Yeah, why?
Sally: You got lost in the woods... and you didn’t bother to check your GPS?
Guy 2: Hmm... Yeah, I can see that I may have made a mistake and that perhaps I should’ve considered the possibility of using said GPS system before I got too lost.
Sally: So we didn’t have to risk dying of cold in the woods looking for you?
Guy 2: Mmmmm yeah I guess.
Sally: Right. So what are you going to do now?
Guy 2: Um... check Wikipedia?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: What? Oh! Right yes, the GPS. Haha sorry... awkward. (Looking at his phone) OK, yeah OK... mmm... come on... OK... yeah... OK. OK. Yeah. OK. According to this we are currently in... a wood.
Sally: Yes. I can see this.
Wizard: I can too! TREES! TREES WITH LEAVES!
Sally: Which way do we go to get out of the wood?
Guy 2: Um, left! Yes. OK we just head off in that direction and we’ll be free!
Wizard: FREEDOM!!!!
The Wizard ran in the direction that Guy 2 had pointed.
Sally: Damn, that Wizard is messed up.
Guy 1: Onward!
They followed The Wizard off into the trees. After an hour of trekking through the foliage and tree trunks they emerged onto a street that led on into town. Guy 2 collapsed to his knees and closed his eyes.
Guy 2: Ughh...
Sally: What?
Guy 2: You know, I’ve been told I’m going to have my legs broken, been accused of being a terrorist twice, being beaten up, mugged, nearly killed in a drag race and subsequent explosion, lost all my luggage, had my accommodation burn down before I even got to raid the minibar and gotten completely lost and spent a night in a scary wood in a foreign land all in the past day and a half!
Guy 1: And we’ve still got 13 days left of this vacation!
Guy 2 opened his eyes.
Guy 2: Oh no... Please no! This past day and a half felt like it lasted over a year! I can barely remember when I was having a nice relaxing shower, trying not to fear the soap that had made it’s way into my bathroom.
Guy 1: Oh pish posh. This holiday is flying by so quickly! How interesting it’s going to be! I wonder what adventures we’re going to have the next 13 days!
Guy 2: I never want to go on vacation with you again...
Guy 1: Come on; let’s go to Sally’s home.
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Guy 1: You said it! We do need showers!
Sally: Up you get.
Sally dragged Guy 2 to his feet.
Sally: I know the way home from here.
And so they went back to Sally’s house where they showered and cleaned themselves, especially their teeth. Afterwards they spent the day relaxing watching TV. The next few days went by smoothly; Guy 1 and Sally returned to trying and make their pizza juice business work out and Guy 2 and Gary went back to playing video games instead of admiring nature. You see, those next few days were not very climactic. They didn’t get into any major adventures at all. Not too interesting huh? Oh well.
It was the last day of their holiday and they were at the airport.
Sally: I’ll miss you guys.
Guy 1: I’ll miss you too.
Sally: Be sure to write to me sometime. What’s your address?
Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s um, 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Sally: Awesome.
Sally hugged Guy 1.
Sally: You’re brilliant, you know this right?
Guy 1: Yes.
Sally: This isn’t the end you know. It never is. We’re probably destined to meet again someday.
Guy 1: I look forward to it. I... I...
Sally: Yes?
Guy 1: Think you’re... brilliant too.
Sally’s smile widened.
Sally: You’re sweet.
Guy 1: You haven’t tasted me yet...
Sally: Well then, I’ll just have to get some evidence to back up my statement.
Sally kissed Guy 1 on the forehead. Guy 1’s face went red.
Sally: Told you so. Hahahaha! Your face is so red!
Guy 1: Yeah well-
Guy 2 grabbed Guy 2 by the collar.
Guy 2: Come on! We’re going to be late for the flight! I don’t want anyone to think that we’re terrorists again.
Just at that point a passing nun heard only the words “we’re terrorists again” and turned to Guy 2 and screamed.
Nun: TERRORIST RESURGENCE!
Guy 2: Oh not again!
Guy 2 quickly ran off towards the boarding gate as the Nun charged at him waving her Bible at him. Guy 1 ran after him.
Guy 1: Goodbye Sally!
Sally: Goodbye!
The Guys made it to the plane and showed their tickets to get on just in time to escape the crazed nun. They sat down in their seats next to each other and waited for the plane to take off.
Guy 2: That was close...
Guy 1: Yeah...
The plane took off. Hours later it landed in Australia and Guy 1 and 2 were soon back at Guy 2’s house.
Guy 2: Ah! It’s good to be home!
He paused and looked around.
Guy 2: Hmm...
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: Oh nothing, just... it seems like there’s meant to be some feeling of closure around now.
Guy 1: What do you mean?
Guy 2: I’m not sure. Oh well... I guess I’ll just uhh... sit down and read a book. Bye now.
Guy 1: Yeah, bye.
Guy 1 left.
Guy 2 sat and tried to read the latest Mathew Reilly book but for some reason things just didn’t seem right. He made himself dinner and after he finished his meal he still felt as if something wasn’t right. The next day still didn’t seem right, as if something was missing or something was meant to have happened. The next day Guy 1 came round again.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 2: Hey.
Guy 1: What up?
Guy 2: I keep thinking I’m missing something... like I’ve forgotten something really important that’s preventing me from feeling like this chapter of my life is over. I don’t know what it is...
Guy 1: Hmm...
Guy 2: It’s um... um... oh why? Why? Why did... we... go on a holiday just then?
Guy 1: Oh right! Because I borrowed money from a loan shark in your name and you had to escape the country to stop yourself from being mutilated by gangsters!
Guy 2: Oh yeah! That’s right... OH S***! WHAT!? I’m going to be BEATEN BECAUSE OF YOU UNLESS I GET FIVE GRAND! I don’t have five grand!
Guy 1: Calm down! Calm down!
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because yelling hurts my sensitive ears!
Guy 2: THAT’S NOT A GOOD REASON!
Suddenly, a letter slid through the post slit in the door. They turned and picked it up and opened it.
Guy 1: It’s from Sally!
Guy 2: Thank you for the exposition, but I am capable of reading.
Guy 1: Just... saying. Just in case you didn’t know.
Guy 2: Right. Anyway...
They read the letter.
Hey guys!
Hope you’re all well! I’m just writing to you to inform you that just after you left my Dad took a real shine to our Pizza Juice stall and so he got in contact with his old business friend from when he visited the Falkland Islands (I never knew he went there, or when. Weird hey?) and he decided that it was a viable business option! Now Pizza Juice is a registered trademark of the Lindum Corporation and it’s making lots of money already! Can you believe that? Soon it’ll probably be in stores over there too! Well, since it was your idea here’s your half of the money. Enclosed is a cheque for 5 thousand dollars (Australian as I thought you’d not be too good with the stock exchange and all those tricky numbers).
Love, Sally.
Guy 1: Oh cool, I have five grand now.
Guy 2: Dude... Give me the money.
Guy 1: What? But it was my pizza juice!
Guy 2: Dude! You owe me that money! If I don’t get it, I’m going to have my legs broken and it’ll be all your fault!
Guy 1 sighed. He passed over the cheque.
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 2: Thank you! Now never do that again you understand?
Guy 1: Never give you lots of money? OK.
Guy 2: No I meant never loan money in my name from a loan shark! EVER!
Guy 1: Well I can hardly give him my name!
Guy 2: Whatever! Now, tell me how to pay this guy back...
And that was the conclusion to that exciting adventure of Guy 1 and 2. Guy 2 managed to successfully pay off his debts and didn’t get beaten up. Life continued on as normal as it possibly could with Guy 1 nearby. And so there’s nothing else to say but The En-
Cameraman: Terrible!
What?
Cameraman: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t like this story at all! It took far too long to write and I only had a very minor cameo!
What?
Cameraman: You heard me narrator. I’m meant to be a main character, a provider of sage wisdom and HD quality image playback! And that final bit where the 13 days go by quickly with nothing happening? You’re so lazy! You could’ve turned this into a Lord of the Rings like epic comedy! But no- No you’re just SO HANDSOME AND WELL HUNG! YES! I LOVE THE NARRATOR/AUTHOR! HE’S SEXY! No I didn’t say that! Stop editing what I s- SEX IS FUN! Fine! Fine! Say it! It’s about time that this thing concludes.
The End.
Showing posts with label cameraman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cameraman. Show all posts
Friday, May 14, 2010
Monday, December 28, 2009
CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
CBM 15: Fatty Bilby
Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
CBM 11: Santa Claus is Real
Guy 4: OK and you can just be called Dark Phoenix because… yeah I can’t be bothered coming with anything and it’s the name on my watch.
Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.
Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…
Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?
Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.
Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!
Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.
Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?
Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!
Guy 4: A bad way?
Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?
Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.
Guy 1: Potatoes…
Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.
Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…
Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.
(Pause)
Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.
Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…
Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?
Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.
Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 3: What he said.
Guy 5: What he said.
Guy 3: Hey wait…
Guy 5: Hey wait…
Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 3: I think you are…
Guy 5: I think you are…
Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…
Guy 5 starts waving.
Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!
Guy 5: I did.
Guy 5 continues to wave.
Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!
Guy 3: Cage of torture?
Guy 5: Cage of torture?
Guy 3: I kill you!
Guy 5: I kill you!
Guy 4: You two!
Guy 5: Uh oh…
Guy 3: He started it!
Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!
Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?
Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?
Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!
Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!
Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.
Cameraman: Aww…
Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.
Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!
Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?
Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!
Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.
Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…
Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.
Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…
The camera shows Guy 4.
Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!
Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!
Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.
Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!
Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.
Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?
Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yes.
Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 1: No food afterwards?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.
Guy 1: But I’m hungry…
Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!
Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….
Guy 1: Mmm… meat…
Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.
Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?
Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.
Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.
Guy 2: Whatever you say…
Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.
An elf walks through the door.
Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.
Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!
Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.
Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!
The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2 shivers.
Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…
Cameraman: Huh?
Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…
Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.
Cameraman: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.
Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.
Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.
Cameraman: So… bored?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.
Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.
Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.
Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.
(Long pause)
Cameraman: Am I pretty?
Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.
Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?
Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.
Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?
Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.
Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…
Cameraman looks around the room.
Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…
(Pause)
Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?
Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.
Guy 2: What’s going on?
Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…
Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?
Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.
Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Guy 2: You’re evil
Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.
Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.
Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?
Guy 2: Oh sorry.
Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.
To be continued...
Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.
Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…
Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?
Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.
Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!
Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.
Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?
Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!
Guy 4: A bad way?
Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?
Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.
Guy 1: Potatoes…
Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.
Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…
Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.
(Pause)
Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.
Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…
Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?
Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.
Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 3: What he said.
Guy 5: What he said.
Guy 3: Hey wait…
Guy 5: Hey wait…
Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 3: I think you are…
Guy 5: I think you are…
Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…
Guy 5 starts waving.
Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!
Guy 5: I did.
Guy 5 continues to wave.
Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!
Guy 3: Cage of torture?
Guy 5: Cage of torture?
Guy 3: I kill you!
Guy 5: I kill you!
Guy 4: You two!
Guy 5: Uh oh…
Guy 3: He started it!
Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!
Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?
Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?
Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!
Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!
Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.
Cameraman: Aww…
Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.
Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!
Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?
Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!
Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.
Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…
Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.
Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…
The camera shows Guy 4.
Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!
Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!
Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.
Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!
Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.
Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?
Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yes.
Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 1: No food afterwards?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.
Guy 1: But I’m hungry…
Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!
Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….
Guy 1: Mmm… meat…
Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.
Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?
Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.
Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.
Guy 2: Whatever you say…
Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.
An elf walks through the door.
Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.
Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!
Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.
Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!
The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2 shivers.
Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…
Cameraman: Huh?
Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…
Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.
Cameraman: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.
Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.
Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.
Cameraman: So… bored?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.
Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.
Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.
Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.
(Long pause)
Cameraman: Am I pretty?
Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.
Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?
Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.
Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?
Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.
Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…
Cameraman looks around the room.
Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…
(Pause)
Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?
Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.
Guy 2: What’s going on?
Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…
Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?
Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.
Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Guy 2: You’re evil
Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.
Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.
Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?
Guy 2: Oh sorry.
Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.
To be continued...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
CBM 6: The 1967 Film
Guy 2: OK can we all stop talking about my weight?
Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!
Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?
Cameraman: School.
Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…
Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?
Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?
Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…
Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.
Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?
Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?
Guy 4: Fascinating…
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?
Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?
Guy 2: What game are you playing?
Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!
Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?
Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!
Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.
Guy 1: But-
Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.
Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.
Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.
Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!
Guy 4: Get over it.
Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.
Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…
Guy 2: Too much information.
Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 3: Gah!
Guy 4: Come on lets go.
Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.
Guy 4: I command you to come.
Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.
Guy 2 turns to everyone else.
Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?
Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?
Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.
Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.
Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?
Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.
Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!
Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.
Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.
Guy 2 hits himself on the head.
Guy 2: Ugh…
Meanwhile…
A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.
Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!
Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.
Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-
Worker 2: To reveal the killer!
Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…
Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.
Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…
Worker 2 puts up his hand.
Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?
Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…
Worker 2: Oh…
Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.
Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
Worker 5: That’s a good one!
Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.
Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.
Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.
Worker 4: No once cares what you think.
Worker 5: My mum does…
Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.
Everyone gasps including Worker 1.
Worker 3: Why did you gasp?
Worker 1: I don’t know.
Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?
Worker 1: What do you mean?
Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?
Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.
Worker 1: I see… the TV…
Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.
Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.
Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.
Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?
Worker 2: Oh nothing…
Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.
Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.
Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.
Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?
Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?
Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…
Worker 2: My point exactly.
Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…
Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.
Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?
Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.
They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.
Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?
Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.
To be continued...
Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!
Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?
Cameraman: School.
Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…
Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?
Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?
Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…
Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.
Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?
Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?
Guy 4: Fascinating…
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?
Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?
Guy 2: What game are you playing?
Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!
Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?
Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!
Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.
Guy 1: But-
Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.
Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.
Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.
Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!
Guy 4: Get over it.
Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.
Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…
Guy 2: Too much information.
Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 3: Gah!
Guy 4: Come on lets go.
Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.
Guy 4: I command you to come.
Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.
Guy 2 turns to everyone else.
Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?
Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?
Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.
Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.
Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?
Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.
Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!
Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.
Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.
Guy 2 hits himself on the head.
Guy 2: Ugh…
Meanwhile…
A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.
Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!
Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.
Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-
Worker 2: To reveal the killer!
Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…
Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.
Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…
Worker 2 puts up his hand.
Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?
Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…
Worker 2: Oh…
Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.
Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
Worker 5: That’s a good one!
Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.
Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.
Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.
Worker 4: No once cares what you think.
Worker 5: My mum does…
Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.
Everyone gasps including Worker 1.
Worker 3: Why did you gasp?
Worker 1: I don’t know.
Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?
Worker 1: What do you mean?
Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?
Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.
Worker 1: I see… the TV…
Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.
Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.
Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.
Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?
Worker 2: Oh nothing…
Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.
Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.
Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.
Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?
Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?
Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…
Worker 2: My point exactly.
Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…
Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.
Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?
Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.
They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.
Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?
Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.
To be continued...
Saturday, November 14, 2009
CBM 2: Kah-Mah-Ra-Mahn-Fu
Guy 1 starts walking away to get the permanent markers.
Cameraman: Oh no you don’t. If you draw on her face I’ll kill you with Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu!
Guy 1: Aww!
Guy 2: Hey I’ve been researching that martial art on wikipedia… and turns out that it isn’t actually lethal; monks use it to carry water over long distances.
(Pause)
Cameraman: What the heck are you talking about?
Guy 2: Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu.
Cameraman: It’s real? I was making that up to scare you- I mean… yes… I can carry water over long distances.
Guy 2: OK well if I ever need someone to carry water and my camel breaks down I’ll call you.
Cameraman: Wait… did you just call me a camel?
Guy 2: Uh… let’s just wake her up.
Guy 2 walks over to Girl 1 and leans near her. Guy 2 cups his hands over his mouth.
Guy 2: Wake up!
Girl 1 whacks him in the face and springs up at the same time. She looks around; a grunt comes from the floor and she looks at the floor where Guy 2 is lying. Girl 1 puts here hands over her mouth in shock.
Guy 2: OK you’re awake now…
Guy 3: Let us all rejoice that she is with us once again.
Guy 1: Hey cameraman! Can I draw on him instead?
Cameraman: Mmmm… maybe.
Guy 3: Let’s all join hands in song.
Cameraman: Wait no it’s a definite yes.
The Guys grab Guy 3 and hold him down.
Guy 2: Get a pen!
Guy 3: No! You draw on me and I will never tell you the secret to untold power!
Guy 1: Oh I’m not falling for that one again.
Guy 2: No wait! The stoned weirdo might be telling the truth!
Guy 1: No I’m the one that says the stupid thing you’re the one that tries to talk me out of it.
Guy 2: Well it’s a movie I can do anything I want.
Guy 1: What are you talking about?
Guy 2: Uh… so untold power you say?
Guy 3: Yes.
The Guys let Guy 3 go. Guy 3 climbs to his feet. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of folded paper that he gives to Guy 2.
Guy 3: Here’s an address. Go there tomorrow at noon.
Guy 3 walks away and closes the door behind him. There’s complete silence in the room.
Guy 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Guy 1: We still have nearly six hours to kill.
Guy 2: (BEEP)! So what now?
The Guys look at each other and then slowly turn their heads towards Girl 1. Girl 1 is sitting on the couch doing nothing. She back looks at them with a look of slight worry.
Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Guy 1: Yeah…
Guy 2: Let’s get pizza.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah that’s what I was thinking.
Guy 2: Wait… what were you thinking?
Guy 1: (Ashamed) I was thinking we should have a volleyball tournament.
Guy 2: That is the stupidest idea ever! We need four people.
Cameraman: Hey!
Guy 2: No offence… but you’re not exactly a person. You’re more like… a camera with arms and legs.
Cameraman: Racist! Just because I was born with nothing but arms and legs!
Guy 1: Unbelievable… racism against people who only have arms, legs and cameras is even worse then racism against Lego people…
Guy 2: I didn’t mean it like that!
Cameraman: You’re so racist!
Guy 1: Yeah!
Girl 1 is rubbing her index finger with her other index finger to cast shame.
Guy 2: Fine! I apologise cameraman for implying that you’re only use is a cameraman and you’re actually a person no different then anyone else.
Cameraman: Good.
Guy 2: Now can we order pizza?
Guy 1: OK.
Less then thirty minutes later (or their money back)
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 2 opens it. Guy 3 is on the other side.
Guy 2: You’re not the pizza guy… or are you?
Guy 3: No. I just forgot to mention not to bring anyone besides you three with you tomorrow.
Guy 2: Fine yeah whatever can I have pizza now?
Guy 3: I’m not the pizza guy.
Guy 2: Oh…
(Pause)
Guy 3: Can I have a hug brother?
Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 2 starts walking away from the door but there’s another knock. He opens it and a man (Guy 1 dressed differently to save on actors) holding pizza is there.
Guy 2: Hey thanks.
Pizza Guy: Enjoy your… pizza! Hahaha!
Pizza Guy puts his pinky in the corner of his mouth.
(Pause)
Guy 2: O… K… I will.
Pizza Guy: Oh…
Pizza Guy holds out his hand. Guy 2 looks at it then back at him.
Guy 2: I’m not giving you a hug.
Pizza Guy: No I want a tip.
Guy 2: Oh…
(Pause)
Guy 2 slams the door on the Pizza Guy and brings the boxes into the living room.
Guy 1: And then she shot the fuel tank causing the car to explode and thus successfully saving a small Brazilian town from an evil gang leader.
Girl 1 nods slowly and has a look of contemplation on her face.
Guy 2: Pizza’s here.
Girl 1 perks up and quickly runs towards Guy 2 and grabs a pizza box. She smiles and turns around. She opens it and sees nothing. She slowly closes it again and turns around. She holds up the box and throughs it to the ground and storms off and sits down on the couch. She crosses her arms and pouts.
Guy 1: What’s her problem?
Guy 2 looks in one of the boxes.
Guy 2: They’re all empty! That son of a-
Guy 2 looks out the window and Pizza Guy is standing near the gate.
Pizza Guy: Haha! Sucker! The psychic pizza guy strikes again! No tip! No pizza!
Guy 2: What a total moron…
Guy 1: I agree.
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 who snuck up next to him.
Guy 2: You’re too close.
Guy 1: Oh sorry.
Guy 1 moves away and The Guys sit back down on the couch with Girl 1 who is still angry.
Guy 2: So we’ve got about 5 hours, no pizza and nothing to do…
Guy 1: Lets-
Guy 2: If you say “Get drunk” I’ll kill you.
Guy 1: But no listen, if we just-
Guy 2: No. No. Nnnnno.
Guy 1: But-
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Stop talking-
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: To me like-
Guy 2: Down. No.
Guy 1: I’m a dog!
Guy 2: Make me.
(Pause)
Guy 1: I don’t like you.
Guy 2: I don’t care.
To be Continued
Cameraman: Oh no you don’t. If you draw on her face I’ll kill you with Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu!
Guy 1: Aww!
Guy 2: Hey I’ve been researching that martial art on wikipedia… and turns out that it isn’t actually lethal; monks use it to carry water over long distances.
(Pause)
Cameraman: What the heck are you talking about?
Guy 2: Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu.
Cameraman: It’s real? I was making that up to scare you- I mean… yes… I can carry water over long distances.
Guy 2: OK well if I ever need someone to carry water and my camel breaks down I’ll call you.
Cameraman: Wait… did you just call me a camel?
Guy 2: Uh… let’s just wake her up.
Guy 2 walks over to Girl 1 and leans near her. Guy 2 cups his hands over his mouth.
Guy 2: Wake up!
Girl 1 whacks him in the face and springs up at the same time. She looks around; a grunt comes from the floor and she looks at the floor where Guy 2 is lying. Girl 1 puts here hands over her mouth in shock.
Guy 2: OK you’re awake now…
Guy 3: Let us all rejoice that she is with us once again.
Guy 1: Hey cameraman! Can I draw on him instead?
Cameraman: Mmmm… maybe.
Guy 3: Let’s all join hands in song.
Cameraman: Wait no it’s a definite yes.
The Guys grab Guy 3 and hold him down.
Guy 2: Get a pen!
Guy 3: No! You draw on me and I will never tell you the secret to untold power!
Guy 1: Oh I’m not falling for that one again.
Guy 2: No wait! The stoned weirdo might be telling the truth!
Guy 1: No I’m the one that says the stupid thing you’re the one that tries to talk me out of it.
Guy 2: Well it’s a movie I can do anything I want.
Guy 1: What are you talking about?
Guy 2: Uh… so untold power you say?
Guy 3: Yes.
The Guys let Guy 3 go. Guy 3 climbs to his feet. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of folded paper that he gives to Guy 2.
Guy 3: Here’s an address. Go there tomorrow at noon.
Guy 3 walks away and closes the door behind him. There’s complete silence in the room.
Guy 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Guy 1: We still have nearly six hours to kill.
Guy 2: (BEEP)! So what now?
The Guys look at each other and then slowly turn their heads towards Girl 1. Girl 1 is sitting on the couch doing nothing. She back looks at them with a look of slight worry.
Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Guy 1: Yeah…
Guy 2: Let’s get pizza.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah that’s what I was thinking.
Guy 2: Wait… what were you thinking?
Guy 1: (Ashamed) I was thinking we should have a volleyball tournament.
Guy 2: That is the stupidest idea ever! We need four people.
Cameraman: Hey!
Guy 2: No offence… but you’re not exactly a person. You’re more like… a camera with arms and legs.
Cameraman: Racist! Just because I was born with nothing but arms and legs!
Guy 1: Unbelievable… racism against people who only have arms, legs and cameras is even worse then racism against Lego people…
Guy 2: I didn’t mean it like that!
Cameraman: You’re so racist!
Guy 1: Yeah!
Girl 1 is rubbing her index finger with her other index finger to cast shame.
Guy 2: Fine! I apologise cameraman for implying that you’re only use is a cameraman and you’re actually a person no different then anyone else.
Cameraman: Good.
Guy 2: Now can we order pizza?
Guy 1: OK.
Less then thirty minutes later (or their money back)
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 2 opens it. Guy 3 is on the other side.
Guy 2: You’re not the pizza guy… or are you?
Guy 3: No. I just forgot to mention not to bring anyone besides you three with you tomorrow.
Guy 2: Fine yeah whatever can I have pizza now?
Guy 3: I’m not the pizza guy.
Guy 2: Oh…
(Pause)
Guy 3: Can I have a hug brother?
Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 2 starts walking away from the door but there’s another knock. He opens it and a man (Guy 1 dressed differently to save on actors) holding pizza is there.
Guy 2: Hey thanks.
Pizza Guy: Enjoy your… pizza! Hahaha!
Pizza Guy puts his pinky in the corner of his mouth.
(Pause)
Guy 2: O… K… I will.
Pizza Guy: Oh…
Pizza Guy holds out his hand. Guy 2 looks at it then back at him.
Guy 2: I’m not giving you a hug.
Pizza Guy: No I want a tip.
Guy 2: Oh…
(Pause)
Guy 2 slams the door on the Pizza Guy and brings the boxes into the living room.
Guy 1: And then she shot the fuel tank causing the car to explode and thus successfully saving a small Brazilian town from an evil gang leader.
Girl 1 nods slowly and has a look of contemplation on her face.
Guy 2: Pizza’s here.
Girl 1 perks up and quickly runs towards Guy 2 and grabs a pizza box. She smiles and turns around. She opens it and sees nothing. She slowly closes it again and turns around. She holds up the box and throughs it to the ground and storms off and sits down on the couch. She crosses her arms and pouts.
Guy 1: What’s her problem?
Guy 2 looks in one of the boxes.
Guy 2: They’re all empty! That son of a-
Guy 2 looks out the window and Pizza Guy is standing near the gate.
Pizza Guy: Haha! Sucker! The psychic pizza guy strikes again! No tip! No pizza!
Guy 2: What a total moron…
Guy 1: I agree.
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 who snuck up next to him.
Guy 2: You’re too close.
Guy 1: Oh sorry.
Guy 1 moves away and The Guys sit back down on the couch with Girl 1 who is still angry.
Guy 2: So we’ve got about 5 hours, no pizza and nothing to do…
Guy 1: Lets-
Guy 2: If you say “Get drunk” I’ll kill you.
Guy 1: But no listen, if we just-
Guy 2: No. No. Nnnnno.
Guy 1: But-
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Stop talking-
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: To me like-
Guy 2: Down. No.
Guy 1: I’m a dog!
Guy 2: Make me.
(Pause)
Guy 1: I don’t like you.
Guy 2: I don’t care.
To be Continued
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 3
Part One
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
To Be continued...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1
Sorry for putting The Holiday on hold (don't worry it shall be resolved!) but I've got exams for the next two weeks and have written anything in a while so I guess the hungry masses are starving for entertainment and so I must supply you with something. It's not second rate (well actually it is but I'm lying to you to make you think it's better than it really is) but it does get slightly confusing and delves more into the weird universe of Bilby where the 4th wall is occasionally broken and Cameraman talks more. (But not in this one though) I also wrote it two years ago so keep than in mind. The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1 everyone! Love it dammit! LOVE IT!
Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.
Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?
Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.
Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…
Guy 2 turns around.
Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!
Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.
Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.
Guy 2: No you’re not!
Guy 1A: Just let me in!
Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.
Guy 1A: Hello.
Guy 1B: Whoa!
Guy 1A: What are you doing here?
Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?
Guy 1A: I asked you first.
Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.
Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…
Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…
Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?
Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-
Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!
Pause.
Guy 2: OK. So now what?
Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…
Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.
Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.
Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…
Guy 1B: I am you!
Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.
Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!
Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!
Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)
While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.
Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.
Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…
Guy 1A: How many of me are there?
Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…
Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…
Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.
Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!
Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.
Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.
Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?
Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.
Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…
Guy 2 turns around.
Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!
Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.
Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.
Guy 2: No you’re not!
Guy 1A: Just let me in!
Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.
Guy 1A: Hello.
Guy 1B: Whoa!
Guy 1A: What are you doing here?
Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?
Guy 1A: I asked you first.
Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.
Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…
Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…
Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?
Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-
Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!
Pause.
Guy 2: OK. So now what?
Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…
Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.
Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.
Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…
Guy 1B: I am you!
Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.
Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!
Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!
Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)
While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.
Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.
Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…
Guy 1A: How many of me are there?
Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…
Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…
Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.
Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!
Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.
To be continued...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Introduction to the Universe
Hello everyone. This blog is going to be completely fictional (except for this introduction) and will be assorted blog entries, stories and information/character biographies from the perspective of/about select characters (Mainly "Bilby" whom is merely named that when needed to refer to him. It is not his name merely a word loosely associated with him as you will eventually notice.) within a fictional universe of my own design (hence the title of the blog.) Those who are fans of my youtube channel (crazybilby) would have seen this universe being developed but things didn't turn out how I wanted and so instead of have a concentric idea and theme with the same three recurring characters I was forced to do the odd script I wrote for fun without managing to really link it to the universe I wanted. The only thing I have succeeded in creating is a character without any mention of a name (Although unfortunately I never really got to create the running joke where none of the characters know his name either so I'm trying to make a joke about that in every script I write from now on.)
OK quick run down of the universe you are about to enter:
There are a few main characters. The main one is not the brightest of people and is often finding very strange things to do in strange situations that aren't impossible but just seem implausible. He is often suggested to be older than he looks but is never actually given a proper age and has no sense of proper social interaction so occasionally does things people consider strange or invasive (like barging into someones house without saying you're coming or knocking) He is often referred to as "Guy 1" in scripts (because he lacks a name).
His best friend just met him one day and they just talked. Somehow they became friends from this even though there were never actually told anything about the other. He has no idea what "Bilby"s name is and rarely ever stops to think about this. Quite lazy at times, he'd must rather sit around the house all day than to let his friend indulge in weird activities. (That sounded dirty... it's not really.) He is often referred to as "Guy 2" in scripts. I'll be trying to write a lot of these entries in novel form not script form instead (but scripts are easy and fun)
Cameraman. Extremely sexy, slim, and sometimes even violent person who, ironically being the most attractive person in the group, is never actually shown in front of the camera (This universe kind of messes with your brain. Because it's a reality where the characters occasionally act aware they are subjects of films of fiction whereas this is, at times, reality to them and so nothing ever changes.) but rarely ever complains about this. She is however slightly sensitive about her single-purpose in life to document a bunch of people as she thinks of as completely insane.
Have fun. I'll write something eventually...
----
Guy 1: Dude! A new car!
Guy 2: yeah my mother bought it yesterday after our old car was stolen by some psycho that scribbled words on the driveway in blood. Want to have a ride in it?
Guy 1: Sure.
They approach the car and get in. Guy 1 gets in the back and Guy 2 gets in the front. Before he moves to the driver’s seat he stops. He sees a man sitting in it already.
Guy 2: Dude… what are you doing in my car?
Hobo: I live here.
OK quick run down of the universe you are about to enter:
There are a few main characters. The main one is not the brightest of people and is often finding very strange things to do in strange situations that aren't impossible but just seem implausible. He is often suggested to be older than he looks but is never actually given a proper age and has no sense of proper social interaction so occasionally does things people consider strange or invasive (like barging into someones house without saying you're coming or knocking) He is often referred to as "Guy 1" in scripts (because he lacks a name).
His best friend just met him one day and they just talked. Somehow they became friends from this even though there were never actually told anything about the other. He has no idea what "Bilby"s name is and rarely ever stops to think about this. Quite lazy at times, he'd must rather sit around the house all day than to let his friend indulge in weird activities. (That sounded dirty... it's not really.) He is often referred to as "Guy 2" in scripts. I'll be trying to write a lot of these entries in novel form not script form instead (but scripts are easy and fun)
Cameraman. Extremely sexy, slim, and sometimes even violent person who, ironically being the most attractive person in the group, is never actually shown in front of the camera (This universe kind of messes with your brain. Because it's a reality where the characters occasionally act aware they are subjects of films of fiction whereas this is, at times, reality to them and so nothing ever changes.) but rarely ever complains about this. She is however slightly sensitive about her single-purpose in life to document a bunch of people as she thinks of as completely insane.
Have fun. I'll write something eventually...
----
Guy 1: Dude! A new car!
Guy 2: yeah my mother bought it yesterday after our old car was stolen by some psycho that scribbled words on the driveway in blood. Want to have a ride in it?
Guy 1: Sure.
They approach the car and get in. Guy 1 gets in the back and Guy 2 gets in the front. Before he moves to the driver’s seat he stops. He sees a man sitting in it already.
Guy 2: Dude… what are you doing in my car?
Hobo: I live here.
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