Crazybilby the Movie 1: 6 hours and Nothing to Do

Introduction time! OK this was written about... a long time ago. I'm sure about two years ago at the very least. It was back when John Howard was still Prime Minister of Australia which to foreign people might not mean anything but pay attention because you have to remember that to realise how exactly this script is slightly outdated. Yes, one of the plot devices is specific to a certain time which isn't really normal for scripts I write. (Hell, we still haven't even determined the age of the characters as of yet) Well it was intended to be a feature length film divided into sections for my youtube channel but never made it so that's why it's called "The Movie" but is technically as long as The Holiday is going to end up as. (I swear I'm going to finish that soon! I've FINALLY graduated from Highschool so I have free time now!) A few references you won't get unless you've seen my old videos but who cares. Not important you'll probably pick them up. Basically this is very "universe" styled... well the cruder version of it. This blog is meant to come to some coherent idea of what this universe should be but I have yet to develop it properly. Anyhoo, basically cameraman has more of a presence in this one and you'll get the whole idea of just how weird her character actually is. We also learn more about Guy 1's true name and how aware they are of the 4th wall. So let's all remember that this was written when I was young and hasn't got the coherent and more refined style and humour of my more recent things. I still laugh at it though because I'm me.

Enjoy!

Oh yeah, plus each one has a name. This one is entitled "6 Hours and Nothing to Do". Some of them have internal references or even obscure pop-references so tell me what they are if you can!

Chapter 1: “6 hours and nothing to do”
Length: 6.5 pages.

Guy 2 is sleeping when all of a sudden a phone rings. He slowly reaches for the phone and picks it up and puts it to his ear before turning it the right way round.

Guy 2: Whoever this is, I just want you to know that I hate you and you are the biggest loser who has ever rung me up.

Guy 1: Hey man! Sorry I didn’t catch that bit was it important?

Guy 2: Ugh… what is it?

Guy 1: Just wanted to know if the party is still on.

Guy 2: Yes! Can I sleep now?

Guy 1: Oh and one more thing.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: When are we going to make another video?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Come on it’s been ages since we made a video for youtube.

Guy 2: That’s because last time we tried making a video you managed to kill my dog, make a feeble attempt to replace it with a cat and then shot my neighbour with a gun! Do you know how hard that is considering that it was a toy gun?

(Pause)

Guy 1: Well not hard enough obviously.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Guy 2 falls back onto the bed.

Guy 2: Goodbye.

Guy 2 hangs up and checks his alarm clock. It says 12:30.

Guy 2: I can’t believe it’s 12:30… I could’ve slept for four more hours!

Guy 2 lies down.

4 hours and 5 minutes later.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch doing nothing. The clock is ticking.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: This everyone?

Guy 2: Looks like it.

Guy 1: I thought you said more people were coming…

Guy 2: They were… until they found out you were coming. Seriously everyone hates you why don’t you realise this?

Guy 1: Oh I have lots of friends… like… her…

Guy 1 points to Girl 1.

Girl 1: Hmm?

Guy 2: You’re really his friend?

Girl 1 nods and Guy 1 turns away. Girl 1 turns to Guy 2 and quickly shakes her arms and mouths the word “no”.

Guy 2: So what are we going to do now?

Guy 1: Dunno. Any suggestions?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 2: How about you cameraman? Got any suggestions?

Cameraman: Your face!

Guy 1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! It’s funny because you have a face!

Cameraman: How ‘bout you shut up?

Guy 1: You’ve changed cameraman… ever since we got a tripod you haven’t been the same…

Cameraman: Yeah well… you suck! Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1 in the face.

Guy 2: Come on we have to think of something to do we can’t just sit here beating this guy up for the next six hours.

Cameraman: Yeah we can.

Guy 1 gets back up and Cameraman punches him again. Guy 1 starts cowering.

Guy 1: Please don’t hurt me! I only wanted a perfect world!

Cameraman: So did Hitler!

Cameraman punches him again.

Guy 2: Cameraman! Save it for where it’s appropriate… gyms, home, football fields and parliament house.

Cameraman: I’m sorry… I wont do it anymore… often…

Guy 2: That’s all I ask…

Guy 1: Well we still need something to do for the next six hours…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1.

Guy 2: So… come here often?

Girl 1 edges away from Guy 2 to get away from him.

Guy 1: Ha ha suck!

Girl 1 looks at Guy 1 and shakes her head slowly.

Cameraman: I think you’re both pathetic. You already have a girlfriend.

Guy 1: Yes but she’s off in Africa trying to liberate the children coal minors from the evil reign of Emperor Mguntu. Everyday I received a bloodstained letter telling me how she’s doing…

Guy 1 looks at the ceiling with a distant look. Girl 1 and Guy 2 look at him and then at each other and shrug. Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face. Guy 1 slowly turns to face Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hm?

Girl 1 opens her mouth and is about to speak when there’s a knock at the door and she turns around and looks at it.

Guy 2: Oh finally someone interesting to talk to!

Guy 1: Hey! What about us?

Guy 2: Well… no offence but you’re the least funny and boring person I’ve ever met and you…

Guy 1 turns to Girl 1 who is looking shocked.

Guy 2: Well… you know…

Guy 2 opens the door and Guy 3 is standing there.

Guy 3: My brother!

Guy 3 holds out his arms and Guy 2 just looks at him.

Guy 2: Uh… do you want something?

Guy 3 just stands there with his arms wide open as if anticipating a hug.

Guy 2: If you want money you’re not getting any.

Guy 3: I want a hug brother.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 3 lowers his arms and Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey wait, why are you calling me brother?

Guy 3: I have come to spread joy to your household.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Have you been taking marijuana again?

Guy 3: No of course not. You know I drink heavily instead.

Guy 2: Strange… you don’t look drunk you haven’t fallen over… yet…

Guy 3: I’m quitting.

Guy 2: Yeah you keep saying that but we don’t believe a word you say after the little incident… you know… the sheep?

Guy 3: I’m not a New Zealander I keep telling you. But that’s OK I forgive you.

Guy 2: Dude seriously what have you been smoking? Because it smells like ham…

Guy 3: That would be the ham I just ate.

Guy 2: You smoke ham? OK whatever floats your boat. Come on in making fun of you, while you’re obviously intoxicated, is going to be fun.

Guy 2 lets Guy 3 in and leads him into the living room. Guy 1 has his hands on Girl 1’s shoulders.

Guy 2: Hey guess who’s here?

Guy 1 quickly takes his hands off Girl 1.

Guy 1: I swear I never touched her below the belt!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: OK whatever. Someone finally came to this boring party and guess what? He’s seriously high or something!

Guy 1: You told me you didn’t have any more marijuana! Not that I uh… need any…

Guy 3: Brothers let us rejoice for it truly is a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Wow you’re right. Nobody who isn’t intoxicated would say something happy like that.

Guy 2: Yeah… OK you shut up now emo.

Guy 1: I’m not emo! I swear I don’t know how those cuts got on my arm!

Guy 2: Sure you don’t.

Cameraman: Yeah remember that day you borrowed my razor? I still haven’t got it back…

Guy 1: I lost it… in a volcano.

Guy 3: Please brothers do not fight.

Cameraman: My cameraman senses are tingling… I’m getting a weird vibe from this guy… he seems different then normal stoned people… don’t you agree?

Girl 1 nods her head quickly.

Guy 2: So why are you so happy?

Guy 1: I thought you were sure it was drugs.

Guy 2 slaps Guy 1 and Guy 1 falls down to the ground.

Guy 2: Never question cameraman’s cameraman sense! It has saved my life once…

Guy 2 turns and looks up at the ceiling. Guy 1 gets up and looks at the ceiling with him and looks confused.

Guy 1: That’s uh… a light… bulb…

Guy 2: Shh I’m having a flashback… nnnnnnnnow.

The screen fades away and becomes blurry and comes back near a road. Guy 2 walks up to the side of the road.

Cameraman: Stop! My cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 2 stops and a car passes.

Guy 2: Gasp! Thankyou cameraman! You’ve saved my life!

Guy 2 gives a thumbs-up and winks at the camera.

Cameraman: Hi-three!

Cameraman holds out her hand and Guy 2 hits his palm against hers.

Cameraman: That was five! Here’s two back!

Cameraman pokes Guy 2’s eyes. Guy 2 falls back and screams.

Cut to: Living room. Guy 1 is snapping his fingers in front of Guy 2’s face.

Guy 1: Hey snap out of it. You’ve been having a flashback for the past ten minutes now and we’re all very bored.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh sorry…

Guy 2 turns around and sees Guy 3 sitting down on the floor. He picks up his hand and lets it drop. Girl 1 is sleeping on the couch.

Guy 2: Aw that’s so cute look at her sleeping… let’s draw stuff on her face.

Guy 1: OK you stay here I’ll get the permanent marker.

To be continued...

:)

A very special thank you toooooooooo dun dun dun! Scully! (No that's not her real name but I'm not sure she wants to be named on the dreaded evil internetz where people stalk the living and prey on the poor spellers) Who answered the call! (As in, the email) to help me recover whatever I can from my harddrive that is now a smoking cracker of silicon. What did she do?

She got me 150 pages of sheer awesomeness... and weirdness. Oh, and two drafts of a short film I wanted to make two and a half years ago. But the point is that 101 pages of that 150 (approx btw) of writings I had writtens (???) were the thing I wanted to post instead of The Holiday Prt 8 in the meantime so I don't have to write anything new while I study for exams and such! I have it BACK! :D I'll try to finish chapter 8 before posting it but I make no promises... the call of cuttlefish beckons me. (I'm thinking about making a cuttlefish related webcomic OK? It's going to be very interesting and hopefully take up less of my time than it needs to.... I like cuttlefish.) So who knows? If I haven't finished writing anything in the next two weeks I shall start posting all 17 chapters to.... (wait for it) *drum roll* Crazybilby The Movie! As it's title suggests: it's feature film length. It's massive, and it's mainly just dialogue. It also is more really Universesque because Cameraman has a massive role in it and it creates a sort of world where the characters know they're characters. It's weird, it's strange, it's funny as anything (I know because I laugh at it when I read it... surely the sign of a good joke is if you can laugh at it yourself right?) and it's... seriously outdated. OK: Spoiler! The major plot twist... doesn't make sense because it's based on a political situation that isn't actually relevant anymore. But let's just say it worked in the end OK?

Have a nice day :)

I'm excited. I have it back. My precioussssss....

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 4

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Narrator: In the short time that the portal to an alternate reality had been open dozens of copies had come through… some good some evil… eventually the evil ones triumphed against the originals. Now who will save this world?

Guy 1I: Superman!

Guy 1I points to the sky. It’s a bird.

Guy 2E: It’s a bird.

Guy 1I: It’s a plane!

Guy 2E: No… it’s a bird… come on we have to find… home…

Guy 1I: Oooh! Blue!

Guy 2E: Yes that’s nice it’s the sky please move this way.

Guy 2E walks off leaving Guy 1I. Guy 2E comes back and grabs Guy1I and drags him away.

Meanwhile at Guy 1’s house…

Guy 3B: Mwhahahahaha!

Guy 3A: Shut up.

Guy 3B: Nobody tells me what to do but me!

Guy 3A: Exactly. Shut up. Now… how should we destroy the world?

Guy 3B: Nuclear weapons are always fun.

Guy 3A: Uhhh… that would cause a nuclear winter and I’d prefer my last days on earth celebrating being warm.

Guy 3B: Oh yeah… how about a killer virus that makes people go crazy with rage and kill other people and they don’t even eat or sleep when infected so they eventually die?

Guy 3A: I don’t know… I think that’s been done before…

Guy 3B: How ‘bout we block out the sun?

Guy 3A: That’s also been done.

Guy 3B: What hasn’t been done?

Guy 3A: Turning robots against humans on mother’s day?

Guy 3B: But mother’s day is too far away… plus we don’t have enough evil robots…

Guy 3A: Oh yeah…. forgot about that…

Just then, Guy 2E and Guy 1I burst through the door.

Guy 2E: Hello.

Guy 3A: ‘Sup?

Guy 2E: Nothing much.

In the background Guy 1I is poking the walls and going “oooooh!”

Guy 3B: Hey what’s up with him?

Guy 2E turns around and looks at Guy 1I. Guy 1I pokes the wall then jumps up and down while clapping excitedly. Guy 2E turns around.

Guy 2E: We’re from the retard universe.

Guy 3A: You don’t seem very retarded.

Guy 2E: I don’t know my own name or do simple maths but I can do complex equations in my head instantly.

Guy 3A: Really? What’s 2 plus 2?

Guy 2E: Uhh… umm… uhh…

Guy 2E starts going crazy and spasms.

Guy 2E: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! My head hurts!

Guy 1I claps and laughs.

Guy 1I: Funny monkey!

Guy 3A turns to Guy 3B.

Guy 3A: Man this universe sucks. We really have to close that portal.

Guy 3B: I know… we have to do it before anything dumber comes through.

Guy 2E is on the floor still having a spasm. Guy 1I is kicking him.

Guy 3A: Oh for crying out loud… 2 plus 2 is 4!

Guy 2E stops and looks at him.

Guy 2E: You sure? I have to check that… uhh… umm… umm… agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! It burns!

Guy 2E starts going spastic again. Guy 3A sighs and shoots him. Guy 2E lays still and Guy 1I stares at the body. He then pokes it.

Guy 3A: So where did you come from?

Guy 3B: Your mum.

Guy 3A: OK I don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with that… no but seriously we need to close this portal now.

Guy 3B: OK I’ll show you.

They turn to the door and see Guy 1I thumping Guy 2E with a plank of wood.

A few minutes later they arrive at the portal.

Guy 3A: How do we close it?

Guy 3B: I don’t know… shoot it?

They start shooting at it. Guy 1J appears and dies.

Guy 3A: Hey wow this strategy is making me feel happy already!

Guy 3B: This isn’t working…

Guy 3C: Perhaps I can help.

Guy 3A and B turn around and see Guy 3C who has glasses on.

Guy 3C: I’m from the retard universe as well but for some reason I’m a genius compare to the rest of you… oh burn! A guy from the retard universe is smarter than you!

Guy 3B raises his gun.

Guy 3B: You may be smarter but soon you’re going to be deader if you don’t stop mocking yourself.

Guy 3C: Oh yeah… well it’s simple, just reverse the polarity and the temporal space-time anomaly will implode and some other sci-fi mumbo jumbo happens and then all is solved although it hasn’t been properly explained.

Guy 3A: That was so vague it might just be plausible…

Guy 3B: Nothing about this is plausible…

Guy 3A: Shut up.

The screen goes black.

Narrator: And so the evil ones closed the portal to the other worlds by doing something that sounds scientific and therefore dooming the world forever… or so you would think…

Guy 1K looks around and smiles.

The End.

Introduction to the Universe

Hello everyone. This blog is going to be completely fictional (except for this introduction) and will be assorted blog entries, stories and information/character biographies from the perspective of/about select characters (Mainly "Bilby" whom is merely named that when needed to refer to him. It is not his name merely a word loosely associated with him as you will eventually notice.) within a fictional universe of my own design (hence the title of the blog.) Those who are fans of my youtube channel (crazybilby) would have seen this universe being developed but things didn't turn out how I wanted and so instead of have a concentric idea and theme with the same three recurring characters I was forced to do the odd script I wrote for fun without managing to really link it to the universe I wanted. The only thing I have succeeded in creating is a character without any mention of a name (Although unfortunately I never really got to create the running joke where none of the characters know his name either so I'm trying to make a joke about that in every script I write from now on.)

OK quick run down of the universe you are about to enter:
There are a few main characters. The main one is not the brightest of people and is often finding very strange things to do in strange situations that aren't impossible but just seem implausible. He is often suggested to be older than he looks but is never actually given a proper age and has no sense of proper social interaction so occasionally does things people consider strange or invasive (like barging into someones house without saying you're coming or knocking) He is often referred to as "Guy 1" in scripts (because he lacks a name).
His best friend just met him one day and they just talked. Somehow they became friends from this even though there were never actually told anything about the other. He has no idea what "Bilby"s name is and rarely ever stops to think about this. Quite lazy at times, he'd must rather sit around the house all day than to let his friend indulge in weird activities. (That sounded dirty... it's not really.) He is often referred to as "Guy 2" in scripts. I'll be trying to write a lot of these entries in novel form not script form instead (but scripts are easy and fun)
Cameraman. Extremely sexy, slim, and sometimes even violent person who, ironically being the most attractive person in the group, is never actually shown in front of the camera (This universe kind of messes with your brain. Because it's a reality where the characters occasionally act aware they are subjects of films of fiction whereas this is, at times, reality to them and so nothing ever changes.) but rarely ever complains about this. She is however slightly sensitive about her single-purpose in life to document a bunch of people as she thinks of as completely insane.

Have fun. I'll write something eventually...

----

Guy 1: Dude! A new car!

Guy 2: yeah my mother bought it yesterday after our old car was stolen by some psycho that scribbled words on the driveway in blood. Want to have a ride in it?

Guy 1: Sure.

They approach the car and get in. Guy 1 gets in the back and Guy 2 gets in the front. Before he moves to the driver’s seat he stops. He sees a man sitting in it already.

Guy 2: Dude… what are you doing in my car?

Hobo: I live here.