"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

CBM 17: Choo-Choo The End! Choo-Choo

Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.

Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!

Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…

Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.

Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.

Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…

Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.

Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.

Guy 1: Huh?

Worker 1: We like the band.

Guy 1: Ah.

Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.

Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?

Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.

Worker 1: Oh not you…

Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.

Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?

Worker 1 is looking around.

Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?

Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.

Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?

Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.

Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!

Worker 1: That’s nice.

Worker 3: Ugh…

Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.

Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?

Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?

Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

Guy 1: Oh forget this.

Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.

Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?

Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.

Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…

Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?

Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.

Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!

Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?

Guy 1: Uh… sure…

Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.

Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…

Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hey…

Guy 2: Hey…

Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?

Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?

Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…

Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?

Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.

Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.

Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!

Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.

Cameraman: What was up with that?

Guy 2: I’m not sure…

Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.

Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…

Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.

Worker 1: Gah!

Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.

Guy 2: It’s… you!

Worker 1: No it isn’t!

Guy 1: You know this person?

Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!

Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.

Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?

Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…

Guy 1: That’s… creepy…

Guy 2: You’re telling me…

Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?

Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?

Worker 1: Yes?

Guy 2: No.

Worker 1: Aw. Please?

Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!

Everyone turns to Girl 1.

Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.

Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!

Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!

Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!

Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1 gasps.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!

Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!


Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!

Girl 1: Scottish!

Guy 1: Same difference.

Girl 1: No it isn’t!

Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…

Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.

Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?

Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!

Everyone stares at Girl 1.

Girl 1: What?

Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.

Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…

Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.

Girl 1: Shut up you!

Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.

Guy 1: Really? OK.

Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.

Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?

Guy 2: Not like that.

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.

Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.

Girl 1: To the park!

Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.

Guy 1: What’s on the roof?

Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.

Guy 1 looks up.

Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…

Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.

Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?

Worker 3: Sure.

Worker 2 runs in.

Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!

Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.

Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.

Worker 2: Noooooo!

Cut to: The park.

Guy 2: Hey! We found him!

Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.

Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.

Guy 1: Why?

Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.

Guy 1: Make me.

Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.

Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!

Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.

Guy 2: Never do.

Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!

Girl 1: Well you still suck.

Guy 4: Bah! It talks!

Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!

Guy 4: (Scared) OK.

Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.

Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.

Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!

Everyone stops and stares for a moment.

Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.

Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.

Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…

Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!

Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!

Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!

Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.

Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?

Guy 4: Who do you suggest?

Guy 1: Uh… Him!

Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.

Person: Me!?

Guy 1: Yes!

Guy 2: Yes!

Guy 4: Darn!

Person: OK.

Guy 1: What?

Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.

Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.

Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.

Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!

Everyone laughs.

Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.

Everyone laughs again.

Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!

Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.

Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?

Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.

Guy 1: Dunno.

The Dark Figure approaches them.

Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!

The Dark figure holds up a knife.

Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!

Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!

The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.

Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…

Guy 1: Run!

Everyone screams.

The End.

Monday, December 28, 2009

CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 4 walks in the door.

Guy 1: Oh not you again.

Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.

Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.

Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.

Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?

Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.

Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?

Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?

Guy 1 pauses and thinks.

Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…

Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…

Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.

Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?

Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…

Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.

Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…

Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.

Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?

Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.

Guy 1: Aww…

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…

Worker 1 waves a stick around.

Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.

Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!

Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…

Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.

Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.

Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1 puts down the disc.

Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Because I said so.

Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?

Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.

Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.

Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?

Worker 1: I’m not raping you.

Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.

Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.

Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.

Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!

Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?

Guy 2: No… you?

Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…

Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.

Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.

Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.

Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!

Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.

Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!

The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.

Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!

Cut to: Girl 1.

Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Everything’s normal again.

Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?

Cameraman: Uh…

There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.

Cameraman: Hoorah!

Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…

Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.

Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!

Girl 1 smiles.

Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: So what’s your plan?

Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.

Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.

Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.

Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?

Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.

Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.

Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.

Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!

Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!

Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!

Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!

Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?

Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.

Guy 2 grabs a passing person.

Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?

Person: No! I didn’t!

Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!

Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!

Guy 2 lets go of the person.

Guy 2: OK then… good…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.

Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!

Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.

Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.

Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!

Guy 2: Fine!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.

Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.

To be continued...

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Holiday Prt 9

You know the drill

Sally: Wow! Business is really picking up!

Woman: Thanks. Here you go kids.

The woman hands cups to her two children and walks off.

Guy 1: Three people! That’s a, uh... three!

Sally: I love how you count. It’s cute.

Guy 1: Well maybe we can count down from 10 together sometime.

Sally: Did you just wink?

Guy 1: No!

Guy 1 blushes.

Sally: Are you blushing?

Guy 1: Definitely!....

Sally: Wha-

Guy 1: Not. Not I mean not.

Sally: I just don’t get it. This business should be booming! Do you think the woman with kids will tell her friends about us?

Guy 1: Women with kids are generally very social and outgoing.

Sally: I’m not entirely sure that’s an accurate portrayal of early motherhood but OK. Hey, let’s take a break from this busy schedule of pizza juice selling and go somewhere nice together.

Sally smiles and moves slightly closer to Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Oh no! She’s plotting to kill me! What am I going to do next to get out of this?

Guy 1: Sure! Let’s go!

Sally grabbed his hand and led him on down the street. They walked together down the simple suburban streets with trees growing on every curb in a fashion that appeared to make a green tunnel of leaves to anyone looking down the road. Guy 1 would’ve been fascinated by how green this place was compared to where he was from in Australia but his mind was predisposed with wondering where Sally was taking him and “hey wow this is what a girls hand feels like”. After a while of brisk walking they jumped a fence and were no longer amongst houses. A large field filled with long grass lay before them. Sally walked onwards towards the centre with Guy 1 following. They lie down in a flattened patch of grass and look up at the late afternoon sky.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: The sky is blank.

Sally: I know.

Guy 1: The sky is always blank where I come from.

Sally: Yes but the big wide blueness... it’s nice.

Guy 1 looks up at the big wide blueness in silence. It was definitely nicer than the big blue wetness also known as the ocean. He looked over at Sally. She was lying there completely distracted by staring at the sky. Her light green tank top blended nicely with the fading green colour of the grass. At a quick glance it could look as if she was just a head sitting there and smiling up at the sky. At first Guy 1 thought that was somewhat pleasant but then soon realised that no, a head just sitting there is quite horrific even if it was a very nice head. Sally indeed had a very nice head. Guy 1 thought her head was very nice. If anyone else was around to notice the niceness of her head they would definitely agree with Guy 1 on how nice it was, which was very. Guy 1 realised his thoughts were becoming very repetitive. Very repetitive indeed. They just kept repeating themselves. He needed a way out of this repetition of the same thing again and again. What to say though? Maybe he could comment on the shade of blue that the sky was-

Guy 1: You’re very pretty.

There was a pause as Sally didn’t move before her head (which was very nice) turned to look at Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? I know you talk without thinking but surely ME, the mind, has SOME influence over you what with control over motor functions and all! Agh! She’s looking at me! She’s looking at me! What do I do!? Oh let’s hope she reacts well. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh.

Sally: (Pause) Hahahahahahaha!

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Please don’t laugh. Please don’t- awww...

Sally: Aww. You’re sweet.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I don’t remember her licking me...

Sally touched Guy 1’s face and smiled.

Sally: What are you thinking?

Guy 1: I don’t remember you licking me.

Sally: Wha-? Oh! Hahahaha no not that kind of sweet silly! Oh you’re classic you are.

Guy 1 smiled.

Sally: Hey are your cheeks sunburnt or something? We haven’t been out here that long...

Guy 1: I’m not sunburnt.

Sally: Ahhh! Hahahaha.

Sally shuffled closer to Guy 1.

Sally: So you’re pretty shy aren’t you?

Guy 1’s head moves back as Sally’s gets closer.

Guy 1: (Meekly) No. What makes you think that?

Sally laughs.

Sally: Oh nothing.

Sally moves even closer to Guy 1. Her body was now touching his.

Sally: Your mouth is shaking.

Guy 1: N-no i-it’s n-not.

Sally laughed again.

Sally: You’re so funny!

Sally’s face moved closer to Guy 1’s. His head hit the ground and he realised he was trapped. It’s important to point out that he is still having random thoughts of her having led him here to kill him. Sally’s approaching smiling face and her arm moving it’s way around him didn’t help these thoughts. She looked like she was about to kill him by blocking off his mouth with hers thus robbing him of oxygen. Then it hit him. This was not a very slow arduous build up to a murder he couldn’t possibly fathom. She was trying to kiss him.

He was feeling very stupid right now for completely misinterpreting that!
Sally took his smile and increased blushing as encouragement to continue and go through with the kiss. She moved in and Guy 1 lifted his head towards hers. They closed their eyes and open their mouths slightly. He could feel her warm breathe as they were just about to make contact.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Guy 1’s phone rings. Sally jumps up in shock at the loud ringing. Guy 1 jumped downwards and hit his head on the ground.

Guy 1: Ow! Damn it!

Sally: You OK? Haha that scared me for a moment!

Guy 1: Damn it...

Guy 1 sighed before he answered his phone.

Guy 1: Hello?

Guy 2: Hey! Help me!

Guy 1: What’s wrong?

Sally: Who is it?

Guy 1: My friend.

Guy 2: Gary and I went walking into the woods and then we got lost! –(static)- bunch of woodland creatures chasing me and –(static)- to eat my skin! Oh no they found me! Agh! AGGGHHH!! SWEET-(static)- Oh that’s not for eating! Agh! Gghsdgsioerhuribvsiubso!

Guy 1: I think he wants to talk to you.

Guy 1 hands Sally the phone.

Guy 2: GOaGGHH!!! AGHYOORR –(static)- RTARRR!!!!! Hi Sally. Agghhh!!! He’s got my shoe! My shoooo –(static)- oooeeee!!! I need that for protecting my feet! Agh! They’re eating my unprotected feet!

Sally: You have really bad reception. Do you know which direction you were heading before you got lost? Stay where you are I’ll come find you. Is Gary there? Put him on!

Guy 2: Hey dude she wants to speak to you.

Guy 2’s screams continued in the background as Gary picked up the phone.

Gary: (click)

Sally: Where was the last place you remember knowing where you were?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Good. I’ll be right there. Try to survive OK?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Seriously? The woodland creatures are only attacking him not you?

Gary: (click)

Sally: Interesting. I’ll be right there.

Sally hung up the phone.

Sally: Come on.

Guy 1: What? Shouldn’t they call the police or something to help find them? And we can stay here and... continue... stuff.

Sally: We have this tradition in our family to help one another no matter what.

Guy 1: But... woods... furry creatures... nibbling on feet.

Sally: How did you hear that? He said that to me.

Guy 1: He was yelling pretty loud. Yelling makes me want to not go to where he is.

Sally: Well then if he continues to yell loudly in pain then it’ll be easier to find and rescue him.

Guy 1: But... but... (sighs) fine. I’ll help.

Sally: Good! Now we need to hurry because the sun is going to start setting any moment now and we need to find him before it gets too dark.

Sally starts to jog towards the woods.

Guy 1: Ugh... dark? (sighs)

Guy 1 follows.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary sitting on a log.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was pretty brave how you fought off those squirrels.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I still don’t understand a thing you say to me. Can’t you click in Morse Code instead?

Gary shakes his head.

Guy 2: What? You don’t know how?

Gary nods.

Guy 2: You’re a man who communicates in clicking and you don’t know Morse Code? Damn. Well not that it matters because I don’t know it either. But it would’ve been more familiar to me than your system of clicks. Seriously how did you create a language system if you can’t communicate any other way?

Gary decided against pointing out that he wasn’t illiterate and could simply write things down. He felt that if he demonstrated this then Guy 2 would just constantly ask him to scribble in the dirt whenever he had a question.

Guy 2: I lost my shoe... one of the woodland creatures took it. Remember that? Now I have to walk without a shoe. My foot hurts... partly because a stick is poking it and partly because it’s covered in bite marks. I don’t like being bitten. You know in Australia if you get bitten you die. I wonder if I’m going to die of rabies. Do squirrels have rabies? I hope they don’t. I do not want rabies. There’s a hospital in Charleston right? Sorry it’s just I’m used to being in a city of a million instead of 20 000. How does it make you feel being in a small town? It makes my foot hurt.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: That could either mean “quite sad” in response to my question or “shut up” in response to the sound of my voice. I’m going to choose the former because I haven’t finished complaining about rabies. Rabies rhymes with babies which I am not fond of either. They just whinge and cry a lot. I can’t stand it when they just keep whinging and trying to get all the attention. Don’t you hate that too? I hate it. I’m hungry.

Gary gave into the need to demonstrate his ability to write. He picked up a stick and wrote in the dirt.

Guy 2: What are you writing? (Pause) “Shut your noisy face hole.” Oh... sorry.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So what now?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh... I suppose that was meant to be very in depth and intelligent speech about survival and getting home safely wasn’t it?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I’m not enjoying this holiday...

Gary secretly agreed even though he was not on holidays either. Guy 2 got up and was about to move but Gary stopped him. Gary holds both hands up then points and him then Guy 2 before pointing to the ground in an attempt to communicate that they should stay where they are.

Guy 2: You want me to help you dig a hole? I don’t see how that’s productive.

Gary sighed. He sat down and pointed to his bent knees then pointed to Guy 2 and motioned downwards once again.

Guy 2: You’re pretending to be disabled and so can’t do labour and want me to dig the hole for you?

Gary hits his palm to his face.

Gary: (click) (click!)

Guy 2: Now just because you are disabled doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I’m leaving.

Gary gave up and let Guy 2 walk away. Guy 2 disappeared into the woods. Gary sat there for quite some time. He slowly started to feel guilty about letting Guy 2 walk off to almost certain doom. For the first time in his life he was starting to feel like he really was disabled.

Gary: (Thoughts) No, just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person... It may have just cost a man his life though. No! He’ll be alright! I know he will!

Gary felt a sudden urge to be lying on a couch back in town clicking on about his worries to his therapist. Yes, his therapist understood him. They let him write, click, draw or any other way he could imagine to communicate.

Gary: (click)...

Guy 1: I know how you feel.

Gary looked to his left.

Guy 1: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: So... what up?

Sally: Gary!

Gary: (click!)

Guy 1: Me!

Sally: Thank goodness you’re alright! You know you shouldn’t have strayed from the normal path! Where’s his friend?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click!)

Gary pointed in the direction that Guy 2 had walked off.

Sally: Ugh! Why didn’t you tell him not to walk off? How else are we going to find him?

Gary gave her an unimpressed look.

Guy 1: I’m surprised we even found you. We’re pretty far into the woods.

Sally: Do you think you can call him?

Guy 1 looked at his phone.

Guy 1: No sorry no reception.

Sally: Typical. Just when you need to venture deep into the middle of nowhere your phone reception gets cut off.

Guy 1: Cradle Mountain is one pain in the neck.

Sally: Where?

Guy 1: Just some place in Australia. It has nice lakes.

Sally: That sounds interesting. We should go there some time.

Guy 1: It’s in Tasmania. You’d like there it’s very green and natural.

Sally: Cool.

Gary: (click) (click) (click?)

Guy 1: Oh yeah my friend is still missing! Thanks for reminding me there Gary. Hey when’s your birthday?

Gary: (click?)

Sally: Now’s not the time. We need to find your friend and it’s starting to get dark.

Guy 1: What happens when things get dark?

Sally: Weird, strange, UNHOLY things happen!

Guy 1: Really?

Sally: No. It’s just nearly impossible to navigate in the dark and so we’ll get even more lost so we can’t found our way out the next day. That is assuming we don’t freeze to death in the cold.

Guy 1: So by cold you mean what? 20 degrees? Celsius?

Sally: That’s... 68 Fahrenheit. No think more like in the negatives.

Guy 1: I don’t like the negatives.

Sally: Negative numbers are indeed bad. So let’s go quickly now before anything bad or unexpected happens.

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: What the hell?

To be continued...

CBM 15: Fatty Bilby

Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?

Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?

Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?

Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.

Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.

Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.

Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Guy 2 is watching the TV.

Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?

Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!

Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.

The sounds of gunshots can be heard.

Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?

Guy 2 chuckles to himself.

Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…

Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?

Guy 2 turns off the TV.

Guy 2: What guy?

Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?

Guy 2: What dog?

Cameraman: Oh never mind…

Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…

Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…

Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.

Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?

Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?

Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.

Worker 1: Well… good for them then.

Cut to: Guy 2’s house.

Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?

Guy 2: I… live here?

Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…

Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.

Guy 4: Are you sure?

Guy 4 walks in and looks around.

Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…

Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.

Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.

Guy 2: Who?

Guy 4: That guy… that…

Guy 2 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.

Guy 2: Oh!

Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?

Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…

Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.

Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.

Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.

Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.

Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.

Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.

Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.

Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.

Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!

Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.

Guy 4: I’m not short!

Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?

Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.

Guy 4 walks out the door.

Guy 2: What was that all about?

Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.

Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.

Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.

Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?

Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!

Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…

Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…

Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.

Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…

(Long pause)

Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?

Cameraman: I thought you would.

Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.

Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Cameraman: Cameramancist…

Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.

Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.

Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.

Guy 3: What!? Why?

Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.

Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?

Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.

Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.

To be continued...

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Y'all

I would like to inform you all that this Christmas eve is more than just the night before I awake to spend an entire day celebrating with family the birth of our saviour Jesus Christ (with minimal commericialism, hence my parents haven't gotten me any gifts and vice versa) I would like to inform you now that I am engaged to the most beautiful woman on the planet. My mother and sister have been discussing the wedding in the car ride home from a family friends house.

Everything I have just said is absolutely true :)

Except the bit about being engaged. I would like to inform you of this and my mother and sister did discuss my wedding in the car tonight. I'm just not engaged. Damn. Well... a few more years to go.

Well here should be some kind of profound or more probably a cliche Christmas message. Tidings of good fortune and joy or something, merry stuff and may your atheistic house find peace with The Lord or something like that. Or maybe just the normal line of "Merry Christmas and a Happy new- SANTA ISN'T REAL! SANTA ISN'T REAL! SANTA ISN'T REAL!" Yes, I am that evil.

But seriously though, from the author of these many stories that only 3 people supposedly read, have a nice day tomorrow :) May you ignore all your problems for 24 hours and have a nice day full of joy and wonder and... joyness. (Extra joy and wonder and joyness if you're going to Candy Mountain..... Chhaaarrrlliiieeee) I know I shall endeavour to survive tomorrow as we all will. The new year shall soon be upon us. Who knows what wonderful things it holds? Who knows what choices we'll make, where we'll go, what we'll do.... when The Holiday will finally be finished....

Well. Goodnight :)

CBM 14: The Evil Sewing Room

Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.

Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!

Guy 1 looks around.

Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.

Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!

Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.

Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.

Worker 1 looks proud.

Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.

Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.

Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…

Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.

Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.

Worker 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?

Guy 2: What?

Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?

Guy 2: No…

Worker 1: Please?

Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.

Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!

Guy 2 gets up and walks away.

Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!

Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.

Worker 1: Nooooooo!

Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.

Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?

Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?

Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!

Guy 1: And issues.

Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?

Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.

Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!

Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!

Worker 1: Exactly.

Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.

Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.

Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…

Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…

Guy 1: Uh…

Worker 1: By we I mean me.

Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.

Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.

Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?

Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.

Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?

Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.

Guy 1: I’m human.

Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.

Guy 1: Scientists?

Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.

Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.

Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.

Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.

Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?

Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.

Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.

Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-

Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?

Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.

Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?

Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.

Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?

Guy 1: I’m not alien.

Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!

Guy 1: That makes no sense.

Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!

Guy 1: You’re strange.

Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.

Guy 1: OK…

Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.

Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.

Worker 1: Good.

Guy 1: No more.

Worker 1: Yes OK.

Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.

Worker 1: OK story time.

Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.

Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.

Guy 1: And what are they telling you?

Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…

Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.

Worker 1: Really?

Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.

Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.

Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?

Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!

Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.

Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.

Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?

While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.

Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!

Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.

Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.

Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.

Worker 1: It was.

Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.

Worker 1: Yes I did.

Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.

Worker 1: Why thankyou…

Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!

Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.

Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.

Worker 1: Thankyou!

Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.

Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.

Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?

Guy 1 snaps out of it.

Guy 1: Hm?

Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?

Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.

Worker 1 holds up a stick.

Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.

Guy 1: Interesting.

Worker 1: I hit people with it.

Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?

Worker 1: Its name is Steve.

Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?

Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.

Guy 1: I-

Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!

To be continued...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CBM 13: Certain Doom! Dooooom!

Authors note: Hey isn't it cool that chapter 13 is called "Certain Doom! Dooooom!"? I think it's cool even though I have no superstitious affiliations with the number 13. I didn't plan that you know. Story time!

Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?

Guy 1 looks up.

Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…

Girl 2: By the way… who are you?

Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…

Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.

Guy 1 looks at his hand.

Guy 1: My hand?

Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.

Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.

Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?

Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.

Girl 2: I see…

Guy 1: Can I get past you now?

Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.

Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?

Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!

Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.

Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?

Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.

Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!

Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.

Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.

Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.

Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.

Worker 1: When did I say that?

Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.

Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!

Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!

Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.

Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.

Worker 1: Just do your job.

Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.

Worker 1: Why are you a llama?

Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.

Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.

Girl 2: Raaarrr!

Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.

Girl 2: Raarr?

Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.

Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone

Girl 2: We meet at last…

Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?

Girl 2: No I expect you to die!

Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Why won’t you die?

Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.

Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?

Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?

Guy 1: No.

Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!

Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.

Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?

Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.

Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.

Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?

Guy 1: Yes.

Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.

Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!

Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…

The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.

Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.

Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.

Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.

Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.

Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…

Girl 2 takes out her phone again.

Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…

Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?

Girl 2: What is with you and your face?

Worker 1: Huh?

Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.

Worker 1: You mean the shops?

Girl 2: Yes.

Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.

Girl 2: You make no sense.

Worker 1: Stop saying that!

Girl 2: Make me.

Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.

Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!

Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.

Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?

Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.

Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?

Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?

Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!

Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!

Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…

Girl 2: Pie Llama out!

Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.

Worker 1: We meet at last.

Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?

Worker 1: No… but I know you…

Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.

Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.

Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…

Guy 1: Huh?

Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.

To be continued...

Sunday, December 20, 2009

CBM 12: The Muppet Show

Guy 1 is holding a phone.

Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: Who was that?

Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?

Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?

Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…

Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?

Guy 2: Oh you’re here.

Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!

Guy 1: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Are you high?


Cameraman: Uh… no…

Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?

Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…

Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.


Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.

Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.


Everyone starts laughing.

Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.


Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.

Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…

Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?


Guy 1: I like that idea.

Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?

Guy 1: Huh?

Cameraman: Nothing…

Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.

Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?

Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…

Cameraman: So never technically.

Guy 1: Aww…

Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?

Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.

Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.

Guy 1: And you never will.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?

Guy 1: Where we started?

Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?

Guy 1: How is that where we started?

Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?

Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?

Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 2: On drugs.

Guy 1: What?

Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!

Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!

Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!

Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!

Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…

Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?

Guy 2 giggles.

Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.

Guy 1: Turn it off!

Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…

The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.

Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.

Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!

Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!

Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.

Guy 1 holds up his hand.

Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.

Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.

Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…

Guy 1: Good.

Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.

Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!

Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!

Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!

Cameraman: Next Saturday.

Guy 2: I’ll see you there.

Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.

Guy 2: Mine all expired.

Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…

Guy 1: No…

Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.

Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!

Guy 2: And I agree with her.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.

Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?


Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.

To be continued...

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Hello. Yes, well now we have TWO currently unfinished serials going but trust me! They shall conclude soon. The Holiday is going to conclude at part 10 if all goes according to plan. Part 11 at the most. OK well to the point now. I'm going on holidays to the other side of the country for two weeks so I shall be travelling and generally not blogging or writing. In the meantime, I want to bring attention to something that recently happened back in Part 6 of CBM. Here is an extract from Part 6:

Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?

Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!

Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!

Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!

Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.

Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!

Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.

Everyone gasps.

Worker 2: No… seriously?

Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.


Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.

OK well that seems like a pretty simple enough section but for you sci-fi fans out there, you'll find a couple of nice references to different shows. Chuds and Ogrons. What sci-fi fans don't get is the reference to the Mahedosat. Let me tell you about this because I am certain you've never heard of it. OK well when writing this I was going through a slight cryptozoology phase and so that's where the references to Big Foot come from. The part is even named after the 1967 film where Big Foot was supposedly caught on camera and thus is the most famous piece of "evidence" for his existence. That's what the video footage of Guy 1 is parodying. OK now that I've explained all the cultural references we're still left with the Mahedosat. What is the Mahedosat?

I don't know.

I remember sitting down and writing that scene quite clearly! I wanted each thing to be something of importance. I wanted each thing to be a reference to something else so someone would watch it (back when I planned on filming it) and go "ahaha! I KNOW what that is! I'm so nerdy" I even remember walking around the house asking my parents for certain references to sci-fi ape like creatures. So it really confused me a year later when I sat down and reread it all. Mahedosat. Mahedosat. What was it? My first idea was that it came from the Cryptozoology A to Z Encyclopedia by Loren Coleman which I was reading at the time I had written the script. The very fact that I can actually recall his name and the book (nearly got the book title correct, had to look it up to make sure) shows how well I am capable of remembering things. Somehow the Mahedosat escapes me. (By the way, we're talking Loren Coleman the cryptozoologist/psychologist not the science fiction writer) So I went back to the library and got out the book again in the hopes of finding the answers. I assumed that because I was effectively parodying myself that I the Mahedosat was actually a large redheaded cryptid that I had read about but it wasn't.

So it has become this very odd mystery to me. What is the Mahedosat? That question has made me think for nearly two years now and I still can't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it. I swear I was trying to fill it with references and not something random that I made up. The only result on a Google search is a comment on someone's youtube channel where I ask them if they can figure it out (as a wager, to see how "smart" they were to go on a fools errand to discover what it was). So that's something very odd.

What is the Mahedosat?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

CBM 11: Santa Claus is Real

Guy 4: OK and you can just be called Dark Phoenix because… yeah I can’t be bothered coming with anything and it’s the name on my watch.

Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.

Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…

Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?

Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.

Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!

Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.

Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?

Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!

Guy 4: A bad way?

Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?

Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.

Guy 1: Potatoes…

Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.

Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…

Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.


Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.

Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…

Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?

Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.

Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 3: What he said.

Guy 5: What he said.

Guy 3: Hey wait…

Guy 5: Hey wait…

Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 3: I think you are…

Guy 5: I think you are…

Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…

Guy 5 starts waving.

Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!

Guy 5: I did.

Guy 5 continues to wave.

Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!

Guy 3: Cage of torture?

Guy 5: Cage of torture?

Guy 3: I kill you!

Guy 5: I kill you!

Guy 4: You two!

Guy 5: Uh oh…

Guy 3: He started it!

Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!

Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?

Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?

Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!

Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!

Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.

Cameraman: Aww…

Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.

Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!

Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?

Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!

Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.

Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…

Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.

Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…

The camera shows Guy 4.

Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!

Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!

Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!

Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.

Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!

Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.

Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?

Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.

Guy 2: That’s it?

Guy 4: Yes.

Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 1: No food afterwards?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.

Guy 1: But I’m hungry…

Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!

Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….

Guy 1: Mmm… meat…

Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.

Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?

Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.

Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.

Guy 2: Whatever you say…

Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.

An elf walks through the door.

Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.

Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!

Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.

Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!

The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2 shivers.

Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…

Cameraman: Huh?

Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…

Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.

Cameraman: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.

Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.

Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.

Cameraman: So… bored?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.

Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.

Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.

Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.

(Long pause)

Cameraman: Am I pretty?

Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.

Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?

Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.

Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?

Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.

Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…

Cameraman looks around the room.

Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…


Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?

Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.

Guy 2: What’s going on?

Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…

Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?

Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.

Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Guy 2: You’re evil

Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.

Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.

Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?

Guy 2: Oh sorry.

Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.

To be continued...

Monday, November 30, 2009

CBM 10: A Curse on your Family and your Goat

Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.

Guy 1: Can I have one?

Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Please?

Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.

Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?

Girl 1 nods and eats another.

Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…

There’s a knock at the door.

Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!

Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.

Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?

Guy 1: Waiting for you…

Guy 2: How’d you get in?

Guy 1: Through the door…

Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.

Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?

Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…

Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.

Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?

Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.

Guy 2: Fank-oo.

Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.

Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!

Guy 2: What isn’t?

Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?

Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.

Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: Uh… hello?

Guy 1: Yes hello.

Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-

Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.

Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…


Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Guy 2: I’d assume so…

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?

Guy 1 puts his hand up.

Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!

Guy 2: Anyone else?

Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…

Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!

Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.

Guy 1: Who is it?

Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.

Guy 4: Ahem!

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…

Guy 4: Uh… OK…

Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.

Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…

Everyone looks at Guy 3.

Guy 1: Lame!

Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 3: Prove it!

Guy 1: OK I will.

Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.

Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!

Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.

Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!

Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…

Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.

Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!

Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.

Guy 4: Ha!

Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?

Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?

Guy 3: About ten bucks.

Guy 4: You’re on.

Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!

Guy 1: Oh good.

Girl 1 yanks it again.

Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?

Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.

Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!

Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 5: Are you sure?

Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!

Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!

Guy 4: Please stop doing that.

Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.

Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.

Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Guy 3: Huh?

Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.

Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.

Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?

Guy 4 sighs.

Guy 4: OK fine.

Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: Really?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: I see…

Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?

Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.

Guy 2: Why not?

Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.

Guy 2 pauses and thinks.

Guy 2: Wait… huh?

Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.

Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?

Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!

Guy 4: I’m not telling you.

Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…

Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!

Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.

Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!


Guy 2: Yes you do.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

CBM 9: Return of the Pizza Guy

The Pizza Guy walks up to the door and knocks.

Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.

Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?

Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…

Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.

Guy 2: Now!

Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.

Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!

Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.

Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!

Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.

Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?

Guy 1 gets up.

Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.

Guy 2 chortles.

Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.

Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.

Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…

Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?

Guy 2: Make me.

Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.

Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…

Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?

Worker 1: Uh… no…?

Worker 2: Never mind then.

Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.

Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?

Worker 2: Name?

Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?

Worker 2: Meh who cares?

Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.

Worker 2: Shut up.

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.

Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!

Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!

Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.

Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!

Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?

Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.

Worker 4 looks sad.

Worker 4: I am who I am!

Worker 4 turns away and cries.

Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 1: Why I ortta-

Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

Worker 2: Now who could that be?

Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-

Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.

Girl 2: Hey!

Worker 1: Hey.

Worker 2: Hey.

Worker 3: Hey.

Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…

Worker 4 goes back to crying.

Girl 2: What’s up with…?

Girl 2 points.

Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.

Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.

Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!

Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!

Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!

Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.

Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.

Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?

Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?

Girl 2: Because your face asked.

Worker 1: That makes no sense.

Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Worker 1: Quiet you.

Cameraman: You want to make me?

Worker 1: No… not really.

Cameraman: Thought so…

Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?

Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.


Girl 2: Go on…

Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.


Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?

Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.

Worker 1 puts their pinky down.

Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.

Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!

Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!

Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!

Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?

Girl 2: Yes!

Worker 2 and 3: Yes!

Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…

Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.

Worker 1: So how about it?

Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?

Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.

Girl 2: All of the wall?

Worker 1: Yes… all of it.

Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.

Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.

Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?

Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…

Girl 2: Yes! Score!

Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.

Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.

Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!

Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?

Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.

Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.

Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?

Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…


Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.

Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!

Worker 3: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…

To be continued...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

CBM 8: Light Switch... Light... Switch

Guy 1: So how long until that annoying pizza guy comes?

Guy 2: In a while.

Guy 2 looks at his watch.

Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.

Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…

Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?

Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?

Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.

Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?

Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.

Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.

Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!

Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?

Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!

Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.

Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?

Cameraman: OK!

Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.

Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?

Guy 2: Sure why not?

The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.

Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.

Guy 4: Ahem… down here.

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh… come on in…

Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.

Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!

Guy 2: No stop!

Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.

Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…

Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.

Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.

Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.

Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!

Guy 1: You!?

Guy 4: Yes!


Guy 1 bursts out laughing.

Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!

Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!

Guy 1: And you sound like one!

Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!

Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?

Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?

Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.

Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?

Guy 2: A selfish one.

Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.

Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?

The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.

Mother: Hello and where are you from?

Guy 4: England.

Mother stands up.

Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.

She shows him to the nearest light switch.

Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.

Guy 2: Mum…

Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…

Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.

Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.

Guy 2: Mum!

Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.

Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!

Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?

Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!

Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.

The Mother walks away.

Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?

Guy 1: Slightly!?

Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.

Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!

Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…

Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?

Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.

Guy 2: SAC.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.

Guy 4: What does it stand for?

Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.

Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.

Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!

Guy 4 nods.

Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?

Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…

Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?

Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…

Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.

Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?

Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…

Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.

Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.

Guy 1: Wow…

Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.

Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.


Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.

Guy 2 puts down the gun.

Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.

Guy 1: Dude…

Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.

The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.

Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…

Guy 2: Oh you remember now!

Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?

Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?


Guy 1: No.

Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.

Guy 1: Who?

To be continued...