"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Holiday Prt 7

Part 1 Here: Part 2 Here: Part 3 Here: Part 4 Here: Part 5 here: Part 6 Here:

Sally leads Guy 1 to the kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Sorry about that embarrassing thing I said to… both your parents.

Sally: Oh.

Guy 1: About the sex.

Sally: Yes I know what you mean.

Guy 1: And having it with you.

Sally: Yes I realise this.

Sally opens the fridge and takes out a few bottles of juice.

Guy 1: I’m very sorry.

Sally smiled.

Sally: No it’s OK! My parents seem to have to ask that to every guy who comes round who isn’t related. You’re the first person who has caught my mother off guard! That was actually pretty hilarious but kinda surprising for me too.

Guy 1: Haha yeah I suppose it would’ve been.

Sally: Haha yeah…

There’s an awkward pause.

Sally: But we’re not going to…

Guy 1: What? Oh. Oh of course not. No…

Sally: Yeah that’d be-

Guy 1: Kinda weird.

Sally: Yeah! Weird, but in a bad way.

Guy 1: Personally I wouldn’t-

Sally: And I wouldn’t…

Guy 1: Yeah…

Sally: Yeah…

Guy 1: So-

Sally: Wait.

Guy 1: Yes?

Sally: Why not?

Guy 1: Sorry?

Sally: You don’t… want to?

Guy 1: Yes! Yes I do! You’re really hot!

Sally recoiled at Guy 1’s enthusiasm.

Guy 1: Oh… I mean-

Sally: Hahaha! You’re very straightforward you know that?

Guy 1: (Shy) Yes.

Sally: Ahhh you’re so interesting. I’d love to get into you…

Guy 1: What!?

Sally: Hahaha! No not that! I meant I want to get inside your head!

Guy 1: Uhh… oh! Oh right…

Sally: You still thought that was dirty didn’t you?

Guy 1: Yes…

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re something special. So, do you like fruit juice?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: Good.

Sally turns around and gets even more bottles of juice from the fridge.

Sally: OK well before you we’ve got orange, apple, mango, pineapple, passionfruit, blackberry and then we’ve got some more in the fridge if you can’t decide between those ones.

Guy 1: Oh. I like this place.

Sally: So what’ll you have?

Guy 1: Just pour some of everything into a large jug.

Sally: OK!

Sally gets out a jug from a nearby cupboard and they both get to work pouring various juices into it. After they’ve finished adding something from every bottle they serve it into two cups.

Sally: OK, you first. You’re the official taste tester.

Guy 1: Awesome! I’ve never been the official anything before.

Sally: Well you are now!

Guy 1 takes a drink from the cup.

Guy 1: Hmmm…

Sally: What?

Guy 1: It tastes like pizza.

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Pizza.

Guy 1 takes another sip.

Guy 1: Very weird pizza.

Sally takes a drink.

Sally: Wow it does. That’s so cool!

Guy 1: Do you have any spare drink bottles?

Sally: Sure.

Sally goes to the cupboard and gets out a drink bottle. Guy 1 pours the juice into it.

Guy 1: There. Portable pizza juice.

Sally: Awesome.

Half an hour later: Sally and Guy 1 are walking through the streets of Charleston.

Guy 1: Hey look it’s an old lady!

Sally: There are lots of them. Oh you’re right! It’s old lady Patterson.

Guy 1: She’s that evil old hunch-backed lady that was sneering at us when we drove in.

Sally: Oh nonsense she’s the kindest soul around. Hey Ms Patterson!

Sally waves. Ms Patterson waves back with a smile.

Sally: See?

Sally continues walking. Guy 1 looks back at the old lady to see her sneering back. She points at Guy 1 then moves her index finger across her throat. Guy 1 runs after Sally, scared.

Guy 1: That lady is crazy.

Sally: Oh no, she hasn’t even slipped into dementia or senility in her old age. She’s completely aware of her surroundings. I don’t think anyone in this town is crazy besides the wizard…

Guy 1: The- wait, what?

Sally: Oh my gosh! A stop sign!

Sally started to dance and shake her head.

Guy 1: Sally?

Sally is still dancing.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: What are you doing?

Sally: Dancing to the stop sign.

Sally finished in a pose.

Sally: Yah!

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I call it the Stop Sign Rock. Pretty cool huh? OK I can tell from your confused look that this needs more explaining. OK basically one night my friends and I were out and about and were slightly drunk. So we’re walking along and Ashley goes “oh my gosh! A stop sign!” and we’re like “whoa!” and Ashley went towards it but tripped. She grabbed onto it with one hand and swung around it and it reminded us of Dancing in the Rain so then we all started dancing. So then every time any of us pass this stop sign we totally rock out. So come on, dance with me.

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s hand and started to jump around with him.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: Yeah. I wonder if my friend is having this much fun.

Sally: Oh with Gary you’re sure to have lots of fun.

Guy 1: For sure.

Cut to: Gary’s room.

Guy 2 was sitting in a beanbag while playing on Gary’s Xbox 360. Gary passed him a can of coke and then picked up the controller.

TV: Player two has joined the game.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah you said it… I have no idea what you said but I know you said it. You know, here I was thinking that you were some creepy psycho mute boy who wanted to kill me when no one was looking and cut me up into pieces… but turns out you’re pretty cool. And harmless!

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: Still don’t understand you.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So you put on a creepy façade for new people to scare them?

Gary nods.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Cool. And Sally knows all about this right?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 2 takes a drink of coke.

Guy 2: I like holidays…

Cut to: The Street.

Sally: And over there was the place where nothing happened.

Guy 1: Wow. This town is fascinating.

Sally: Haha. It is! You never know when you’re going to find something on the ground that wasn’t there before.

Guy 1: Sounds like my house… only a lot larger and with real people living in it.

Sally: What is your house like? Besides… filled with mysterious objects?

Guy 1: Well it’s nice… it’s… pretty hard to get to, even for me.

Sally: You don’t live in a cave on a mountain do you?

Guy 1: Oh there are no mountains where I live. No, not for hundreds of kilometres… I mean miles. But there are a few wonderful hills covered in long yellow grass that go on for ages… the occasional tree can be seen, making patches of green leaves amongst the yellow. Of course the trees don’t grow straight like these… except for the gum trees. Amazing things, they tower above any of these trees in people’s yards.

Sally: You live in the country?

Guy 1: Um… sorta… I spend most of my time in the suburbs and the city… but deep down I always feel like I belong back in the hills.

Sally: I like that. You’re a country boy, you’d fit in here pretty well.

Sally held onto Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Really? Wait… there’s not this strange wall thing with various holes in where I have to be the right shape to be included in right?

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Oh… don’t worry my mind was just in a really weird place just then. You see there was this TV show where people had to make shapes with their bodies to fit into this giant wall that tried to push them into water…

Sally: Haha! Sounds interesting.

Guy 1: No it was actually the most awfully boring show.

Sally: Oh…

Just then, a person walked past.

Guy 1: Hey stop! Do you want to try this?

Guy 1 held out his bottle of pizza juice.

Person: Free juice? Sure! I see why not random stranger!

The person took it and took a sip.

Person: Wow! This is really good! I’d go so far as to say that I want to marry this drink!

Guy 1: That’s pretty amazing feedback.

Person: It tastes like pizza!

Guy 1: I know! It’s pretty cool huh?


Guy 1: OK now you’re getting really creepy.

The person started stomping their feet.


Guy 1: Er… uhh…

The person suddenly stopped.

Person: Nah I’m just messing with you, I’m not that crazy. Here.

He gave Guy 1 back his bottle.

Person: It’s good. Really good, you could probably sell this stuff.

Guy 1: Thanks.

Person: Hey, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Person: Oh! Wow, I didn’t know they spoke English in Australia… hey do you ride around on Kangaroos?

Guy 1: Yes. We do.

Person: Awesome! Hey, is it true that you force your young to wrestle with the world’s deadliest snakes all at once to make sure only the strongest of your race survive?

Guy 1: (Pause) Yes.

Person: I also heard that next to the Kangaroo and Emoo-

Guy 1: Emu.

Person: Sorry, a what?

Guy 1: Emu. It’s… an Emu. With a u sound.

Person: No, no… an Emoo… tall… bird thing… can’t fly. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, next to the Kangaroo and the Emoo your national animal is considered to be the scorpion…

Guy 1: Uh… no actually it’s the drop bears.

Person: Drop bears?

Guy 1: Oh yeah. You got to be weary of those drop bears. They’re these little bear like things that hide in trees and then drop down on your face and tear off your flesh. What you have to do is smear vegemite behind your ears to ward them off.

Person: Australia really is dangerous… wow… you’ve opened my eyes.

Guy 1: Glad to have helped…

The person walked off.

Sally: You’re really enjoying bulls***ing half this country aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? No I’m being quite serious… my friend warned me about drop bears once. Scared the hell out of me… but thankfully I always put vegemite behind my ears every time I go out into the bush. I like my face… I want to keep it…

Sally: I like your face too.

Sally ran her hand down the front of his face and over his nose.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: Oh just another drunken moment in joke…

Guy 1: So do you get drunk often?

Sally: Only when there’s an occasion…

Guy 1: And are you suggestible when you’re drunk?

Sally: Maaayybee…

Guy 1: Hmm.

Sally: Come on, I’ll race you to the end of this street! 3, 2- go!

Sally started running down the street before Guy 1 could react. He tried his best to catch up.

Sally: Haha I’m beating you!

Sally wins the race.

Guy 1: Oh man I need a drink from all that running…

Guy 1 takes a drink of the pizza juice.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh it tastes like pizza!

Sally: Yeah, you knew that already.

Guy 1: Yeah but it’s just so darn amazing I had to mention it again. Hey do you think that guy back there was serious when he said we could probably sell this stuff?

Sally: Probably. We could find out! I’ve got an idea. Super-awesome-finding-out-go!

Sally walks off with one of her arms outstretched.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary.

Guy 2: (long pause) HEADSHOT! (Long pause) son of a…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: No Gary, the shotgun is mine.

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK how come I can get punctuation but not actual words? Just how do you click an exclamation mark?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Whas that an explanation? Was it? Dammit! Explain to me how to understand that other explanation!

Gary sighs. It would obviously take some time for Guy 2 to realise the flaw in his plan. He decided just to monotonously click to distract Guy 2 while he shot him in the back and stole the shotgun.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh… yeah… uh huh…

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Cut to: Guy 1 and Sally in the garage.

Guy 1: Oh what’s your plan Sally? Is it interesting? Will it bring the boys to the yard and be better than mine?

Sally: Damn right it’s better than yours! Your idea was to spray people on the street with juice and then charge them for dry cleaning.

Guy 1: It could’ve worked.

Sally: Haha no. No it wouldn’t have.

Sally rummaged through the various pieces of junk and memorabilia from her childhood that had accumulated in the garage over the years. She finally got through to the back where a large object lay hidden underneath a large cloth.

Sally: My idea is simple. I present to you-

She took off the cloth in one large swish which knocked her off balance. She fell on the ground and dust flew everywhere.

Guy 1: Dust? Falling down? I do not understand how this makes money.

Sally jumped back up.

Sally: No silly, I present to you this stand!

Guy 1: Oh good you’re standing up now. I’m still not understanding. Am I missing something?

Sally: No not stand as in what I’m doing. I mean stand as in lemonade stand… the thing behind me that I’m pointing to.

Guy 1: Oh.

Behind Sally was a home made lemonade stand. The letters were all faded and peeling but the wood itself still looked sturdy and in good condition.

Sally: I remember this from when I was ten… dad built it for me. I’m so glad we kept it. We just need to repaint it and dust it off and then it can be our Pizza Juice Stand! Yay! So what do you think?

Guy 1: Very little.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on, help me get it out.

Guy 1: You know, if you just took that sentence out of context...

To be continued...

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Holiday Prt 6.

Part 1 Here:

Part 2 Here:

Part 3 Here:

Part 4 Here:

Part 5 here

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

Guy 1 and 2 walk into the hall which opened up into a large living area. There were a dozen beautiful paintings on the walls, a lovely miniature bonsai garden in the corner and various antique furniture around the room. The entire room was a mixture of class and culture. All of which the Guy’s completely ignored because they were staring intently at the massive widescreen plasma TV on the wall.

Sally: Uh… are you drooling?

Guy 2: (absent minded) Yeah.

Sally: Do you want a tissue?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally: OK.

Sally walks off.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally comes back a moment later and puts the tissue in front of his face.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh. Um… thanks.

He holds the tissue.

Guy 2: It’s… what I’ve always wanted.

Sally: Of course it was.

Guy 2: (confused) Thanks.

Sally: You’re welcome.

A man with dark brown hair gets up from the couch and walks up to them.

Andrew: Hey Sally! Who are these fine young boys standing there drooling on my floor?

Sally: These are some guys I found on the side of the road. Their bus broke down so I gave them a lift. Can they stay here for a while? Their accommodations kinda burnt down to the ground.

Andrew: Well as long as they know how to use a mop then I have no problem with it. How about you Gary?

Gary: (click)

Andrew: Hahahaha! You’re a riot.

Andrew walks over to the Guy’s and shakes both of their hands hard. This wakes them up from their TV induced trance.

Guy 1: Hello! How are you?

Andrew: I’m good son. I’m good. How are you?

Guy 1: I’m good too.

Andrew: That’s good.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Your drool is on my floor.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Hey, you’re Australian.

Guy 1: Yes! Yes it is! I mean, I am. Yes I am.
Andrew: I went to Australia once. I went to all the great cities there. Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra…

Guy 1: Perth?

Andrew: No.

Guy 1: Oh…

Andrew: There’s nothing in Perth.

Guy 1: There’s Kings Park.

Andrew: Yeah but it’s only the size of Monaco. And the view is ruined by the ugly bell tower. And I hear the cities are filled with homeless people and if you’re going to find things to do then you can only do so much. It’s just Western Australia’s capital because all the other places are just towns too small to have their own city which is pathetic and- and you live there don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes.

Andrew: I don’t retract my statement.

Guy 1: I’ve rung one of those bells in the bell tower…

Andrew: Cool. I’m going to get the mop.

Guy 1: You do that.

Andrew leaves.

Sally: I didn’t know my father had gone to Australia before…

Guy 1: That guy was your father? He looks quite young.

Sally: Yeah.

Guy 1: For my first impression I drooled on his floor.

Sally: Yeah. You’re a unique one but you’re pretty cool.

Guy 1: Why was I drooling?

Sally: I think it had something to do with our massive TV. Do you want to watch it?

Guy 1: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to do it! Let’s lie down on the couch right now! How big do you think it is?

Andrew returns just in time to hear Guy 1. He stops in mid stride with the mop in his hands.

Andrew: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 was completely uncertain what he had meant by that. So many things entered his mind he had no idea how to react. He sounded strangely happy so was he trying to be ironic? Was he secretly hiding his anger through a happy façade? Would he kill me if I did something to his daughter? Is he protective? Is this a trap? Is he just bonding with me? Is he trying to see if there’s something going on between me and his daughter? More importantly does he think I have a chance? Is this his attempt at humour? What kind of person is he?

Guy 1 merely freezes as he processes this. He then looks around the room trying not to look guilty and then just smiles to himself. He looks at Andrew smugly and defiantly.

Guy 1: May-be!

Andrew: Use protection.

Andrew starts to mop the floor. Once again Guy 1 tried desperately to interpret this. Wait; was that humour or an honest suggestion? What is Sally’s reaction? OK she’s shaking her head. Does that mean she’s embarrassed or just disapproving of the joke? Was it a joke? Oh I sure wish I could understand human behaviour better… I’m so maladjusted. I wonder if this is a good point in time to mention that I don’t know what foreplay is…

Sally: Hey you look deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?

OK is there a look on my face that gives it away? If so, does that mean she expects that I’m thinking so she’s encouraging me to say it? But if she is then why bother? No. I don’t think she’s psychic. Maybe I shouldn’t say… But what if she understands and helps me with this problem of not knowing? Do I take that chance? I wonder if she’ll teach me… hehehe… Once again, I’m not sure what it is so I’m not sure if I should be laughing or not… it just seems appropriate. Wait, no, I’ve stood here too long I should say something.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re so weird! Come on; let me introduce you to my mother.

Sally links her arm with Guy 1’s.

Guy 2: Hey what about me? Have you completely forgotten me?

Sally: Yes actually! Wow! Sorry. You can come to if you want… or you could stay here with Gary. I’m sure he’d love the company.

She points to Gary who is standing near the corner of the hallway staring intently at Guy 2.

Gary: (ominous click)

Guy 2: Uhh… I think I’ll meet your mother actually.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Aww, but he wants to spend time with you! Isn’t that right Gary?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: (Worried) How do you know that!?

Sally: See? He definitely wants you to leave the both of us alone.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m scared.

Guy 1: I’m sure you’ll be fine. Nothing bad ever happens in remote country towns with small populations and minimal police forces. Don’t you ever watch movies?

Guy 2: What? Like The Village? No.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 2: You don’t even understand what he said.

Guy 1: Sure I do… sort of… hey Gary, say something.

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 1: That meant… “How are you?” right?

Sally: Nearly. It was “who are you?” but that was good.

Guy 1: See? There’s a simple trick to it. You just have to listen carefully.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally and Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 1: Ha!

Sally: Awesome!

Sally and Guy 1: Simultaneous!

They hi-five each other.

Guy 2: I didn’t get that. It’s just clicking!

Gary: (Happy click)

Guy 2: Don’t you start! I have no idea what you said but I’m sure you’re mocking me!

Gary: (click?)

Guy 2: How do you click a question mark!?

Guy 1: He’s a very talented clicker.

Sally: He’s been doing it since a kid. He’s won all the local clicking contests.

Guy 2: This town is so boring it has to have clicking contests?

Sally: Haha no. I just wanted to try and fool you into thinking that we do. Come on; go with Gary to find clothes that will fit you.

She tugs on Guy 1’s arm and directs him out of the room.

Sally: My mother’s name is Cleo. She’s really cool…

Sally’s voice fades away. Guy 2 turns to look at Gary who has walked up to him and is now smiling eerily.

Andrew: Well I’m going to work now. Bye. Play nice kids.

Guy 2: You’re leaving?

Andrew: Yes. To go to work. Bye.

Andrew leaves the house.

Guy 2: So…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah I… don’t know what you just said.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: You’re still just clicking… is it a pitch thing? Am I missing the different tones?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: OK that was pointless I didn’t understand that.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Please stop doing that.

Gary: (click)

Gary slowly paints towards a mysterious black door on the other side of the room. Gary looks at Guy 2 creepily with a huge smile on his face.

Guy 2: OK I’m pretty sure I know what that means…

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: (scared) Uhh… are you sure you don’t want to stay out here… where there’s um… witnesses?

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK! OK! I’m going…

Guy 2 follows Gary into the door and into Gary’s room. The door slams behind them and a click is heard just before Guy 2 gives out a short girlish scream.

Cut to: backyard.

Cecilia is hanging up clothes on the washing line to dry. She looks like an older version of Sally only with more freckles. She turns to see Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: Hey mum!

Cecilia: Hey Sally! And hello to you too handsome young man.

Guy 1: Well that’s what they call me.

Sally: They call you “you too handsome young man”?

Guy 1: Hell yeah.

Sally and Cecilia laugh identical laughs. Cecilia suddenly stops and is serious.

Cecilia: Why are you here?

Sally: Mum. His bus broke down.

Guy 1: And I lost all of my luggage.

Sally: Then the hotel he was going to stay at burnt down.

Guy 1: And now I’m cold and lonely…

Sally: That… too. But basically he has nowhere to stay so can he stay here? Dad has no problem with it.

Cecilia: You know I love random strangers. Sure he can stay. My name’s Cecilia by the way.

Cecilia turns and leans close to Guy 1.

Cecilia: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 suddenly felt like he’d been in this situation before… Aha! I have no idea why she’s inquiring this but I won’t make the same mistake I did last time. I’m not going to be the one caught off guard this time! I’m saying something!

Guy 1: Yes I am!

Cecilia and Sally both froze as they tried to process this. Guy 1 slowly started thinking that maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t be smiling ear to ear right now. There was complete silence for a moment before the sound of Sally hitting her forehead with her palm broke the tension. Sally sighed and started counting down on her fingers from three to zero. At zero Cecilia smiled and patted Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Cecilia: Use protection.

Sally: Mum!

Cecilia: What? It’s good advice!

Guy 1: She’s right. It is.

Sally: You and Dad are perfect for each other… it’s embarrassing.

Cecilia: We’re parents. It’s our job.

Sally: Can we move on from this?

Cecilia: Sure. So “you too handsome young man”, tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: Well I’m from Australia, I was born on a Tuesday and I really like to eat sandwiches.

Cecilia: Interesting. Have you got any hobbies?

Guy 1: Is eating sandwiches a hobby?

Cecilia: It could be. So what brings you to Charleston Illinois?

Guy 1: Because Charleston Arizona didn’t appeal to me. Nah, I won a free trip here.

Cecilia: Here? Well a free trip is a trip I suppose…

Guy 1: Yes I suppose it is.

Cecilia: Well welcome to Charleston, the place where trees grow!

Guy 1: I’ve always wanted to see trees!

Sally and Cecilia both laugh.

Sally and Cecilia: You’re weird.

Cecilia gives Sally a smug look while Sally looks at Cecilia partially terrified.

Cecilia: One of us… one of us…

Sally: No mum I’m not turning out like you!

Cecilia: One of us! One of us!

Sally: No!

Sally tries to cover Cecilia’s mouth but Cecilia pushes her hands away. They both laugh.

Cecilia: Haha! OK, well get your friend something to eat Sally and then go and show him the town. Don’t forget to show him the courthouse!

Guy 1: (Quietly) Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free!

Cecilia: Exactly!

Sally and Guy 1 walk back into the house.

Sally: So do you want something to drink?

Guy 1: Sure.

To Be Continued…