"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Sunday, April 12, 2009

The Holiday Prt 4

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:

The mugger raises his knife again.

Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?

Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!

Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!

Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)

Mugger: What?

Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)

Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!

Guy 1: Qué?

The Mugger walks off.

Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!

Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.

Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!

Guy 1: Yay for being alive!

Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?

Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!

Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?

Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.

Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?

Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.

Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.

Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!

The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.

Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…

The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?

Guy 1: This or death.

Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?

Guy 1: Why are you whispering?

Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!

Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.

Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.

Guy 2: What did you just do?

Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.

Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.

Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…

Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?

Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.

Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.

Guy 2: Not funny!

Guy 1: I’m sorry…

Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.

Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.

Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!

Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…

The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”

Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…

Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?

Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.

Guy 1: Any good stories?

Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.

Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.

Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.

Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.

Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.

The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.

Man with Lighter: What!?

He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.

Guy 2: They did what now?

Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”

Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?

Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 2: Yeah, good point.

Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.

Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!

Guy 2: Oh please no…

Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…

The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.

Guy 2: What were you saying?

Guy 1: Um… Jelly!

Guy 2: No. No jelly…

Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.

Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!

Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!

Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?

Guy 2: The bus driver!

The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.

Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?

Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…

Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...

Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.

Guy 2: What the hell was that!?

The bus driver leant out the window.

Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!

The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.

Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.

Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.

Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.

Guy 1: Me too.

Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…

Guy 1: I suppose I did…

Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!

Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.

The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.

Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Guy 1: Hey wait a second…

The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.

Guy 1: I know you!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.

Wizard: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?

Wizard: How are you?

Guy 2: We flew here…

Wizard: So did I.

Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?

Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?

Guy 2: Um…

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…

Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?

Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…

Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.

Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.

Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?

The bus blows up.

Guy 2: What the hell!?

The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.

Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!

Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!

Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…

Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!

Guy 2: I’m sorry…

Guy 1: Pft…

Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?

Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.

Guy 2: So how well does that pay?

Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.

Guy 2: OK…

Off in the distance a car is approaching.

Guy 1: Hey look a car!

Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!

They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.

Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?

Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.

Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.

Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!

Sally laughs.

Sally: OK hop in.

They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.

Guy 1: Oh sorry-

Guy 2: No you-

Guy 1: If you insist-

Guy 2: No me!

They both struggle for the doorhandle.

Sally: Um, having trouble?

Guy 1 and 2: No!

They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.

Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?

Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!

Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?

To Be Continued…