"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Investigation Prt 1

Guy 2 walked into the large shopping centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.

Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?

Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come from?

Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...
Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though, because I was never really told... we should ask someone.

Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by grabbing their shoulder.

Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.

The person stared at them, judged them by their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a joke and walked away without saying a word.

Guy 1: That person just doesn’t understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know... French? Because-

Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and movies.

Guy 1: Cool.

Guy 2 walked in the direction of the nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.

Guy 1: I am following you.

Guy 2: I noticed.

Guy 1: I have not much to do today...

Guy 2: What do you do anyway when you’re not around me? Why don’t you just relax at home?

Guy 1: Well my home is a bit far away from here, it takes time to get here so I figured while I’m here I’ll just hang with you.

Guy 2: Oh, goody, me. You still didn’t answer my first question though...

Guy 1: Oh, I didn’t? Well I’m sorry but I told you, I don’t know where babies come from.

Guy 2: No- just- but... never mind.

Guy 1: Ok.

They continue walking onwards in silence.

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: Hmm?

Guy 1: Hmm.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nuh. Hmm.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Now you’re just getting further away. I don’t think you quite understand this game at all.

Guy 2: No... I don’t think I do.

Guy 1: Shops huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. I’m not a big fan of shopping. There are so many people, most of which you don’t know, and some you wish you didn’t know. You can’t walk around large shops without running into at least one person you know from high school or somewhere else.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah. Look, over there, there’s Trent.

Guy 1: HI TRE-

Guy 2: Shh! Don’t talk to him. He apparently has anger issues. Once, he got so mad he punched a towel rack.

Guy 1: Wow.

Guy 2: And over ther- oh dear he spotted me and is coming over.

Guy 1: Who? Who?

Harry: Hey! Haven’t seen you since graduation!

Guy 2: Yeah! Funny that. Well this is Harry, Harry this is...

Guy 2 motioned towards Guy 1. Guy 2 gave Guy 1 a look and nodded towards Harry. Guy 1 nodded slowly. Harry stood there in silence.

Harry: Well...

Harry mimics Guy 2’s head movements towards Guy 1.

Harry: ... it’s been nice meeting you, but I must be off. I should... go... away. I hope you and your boyfriend enjoy the rest of your day.

Guy 2: Oh we’re not...

Harry leaves.


An elderly lady gasps nearby and whacks Guy 2 across the head with her hand bag.

Elderly Lady: Such language! We’re in public!

She storms off.

Guy 2: Ow! What was that?

Guy 1: Harry. Also, an old lady hit you.

Guy 2: No not that. Why didn’t you introduce yourself?

Guy 1: Why would I do that?

Guy 2: Because of my head nod.

Guy 1: I thought nodding meant “yes”. Have I been lied to all these years? That’s confusing. But that doesn’t make sense; surely other people are also getting this wrong.

Guy 2: Shut up! My head may mean many things!

Guy 1: You should get a little LCD screen on your forehead then. You can just flash people words so they understand what you say. You wouldn’t even need to speak! It’d be so cool! Hey, that store looks like it sells LCD’s let’s go over there.

Guy 2: (sensing that this is a way to get rid of Guy 1) Cool, you go do that. But make sure to get the best LCD’s of many colours, if you have any questions just direct it to that salesman over there.

The salesman saw Guy 2 looking and pointing. The salesman winked and tipped his hand.

Guy 2: Um... yeah. I’m sure talking to him will enlighten you about many things. Kbai!

Guy 2 ran off to find the computer store, hoping that he could then find an exit that didn’t cross Guy 1’s path on his way back. He just wanted to upgrade his computer without Guy 1 looking over his shoulder or even, heaven forbid, touching his computer! It’d probably explode on contact for no apparent reason!

Guy 2 bought the hardware and exited the shop. Suddenly on the loudspeaker boomed an all too familiar voice.

Guy 1: Hi. Hello. He-loooooowww voice my voice is now looowwww and echoey. Hey cool, so that’s what this button does. Attention valuable customers, we have your loved ones hostage. Buy more. Buy more. Hey there! You look important... security guard. Would you like a turn with this microphone? No? Are you sure? It’s lots of fun... come on... come on.... come on... come on.... come on.... come on.... coommmeee ooonnn..... come on.... come on.... give it a go... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on... just a try... come on... come on... oh you seem to be getting physical. OK. But come on just try it once, come on...

Security Guard: We apologise for that customers. Please resume shopping. Hey, this is kinda fun.

Guy 2: Wait... he didn’t deny having my loved ones hostage.

Meanwhile, elsewhere.

Guy 2’s mother sits in a chair in a room with no windows.


She resumes sitting in silence.

Cut to: Guy 2 at the shops.

Guy 2: Hmm... Nah, I’m sure my mother’s safe.

Guy 2 hurried out of the shopping centre.

Later, at Guy 2’s house he was setting up his computer. Guy 1 was nowhere to be seen for once. Guy 2 turns it on.

Guy 2: (thoughts) it’s so quiet when he’s not around... Hey, I can even hear my next door neighbour through the walls...

Neighbour: (sobbing) why did she leave me?

Guy 2: (thoughts) Uh... better play some music...

He starts playing Who are You? By The Who and sings along.

Guy 2: (thoughts) he’s probably in custody for that stunt at the shops...

Song: Whoooo are youuuu?

Guy 2 starts wondering about Guy 1. After a while of considering it he opens up Google and types in “private investigator”. He looks through the results and decides to hire one by the name of Bruce Butcher. It seemed manly enough after all.

Guy 2 picks up his phone and calls.

Guy 2: Hello?

Bruce: Yes? What can I do for you?

Guy 2: I’d like to hire you to find out things about my friend...

Bruce: Who is this friend?

Guy 2: I don’t know.

Bruce: (pause) I see. Well then it’ll require a lot of skill on my part...

Guy 2: Well I can give you a photo, or you can just hang outside my house for long enough and you’ll see him. He comes unannounced and he’s never introduced himself. I’d like to know his name, or something about him. Where does he live for one?

Bruce: Well this is a chance of pace from suspicions of jealous lovers. Sure, I’ll stalk your friend for money.

Guy 2: You really phrase it that way? That’s part of your business plan?

Bruce: Are you more comfortable if I lie to you and say it’s something other than that?

Guy 2: I might...

Bruce: Well hire a different PI. I’m here to find things out and get things done.

Guy 2: So... I’ll just... pay you sometime then...

Bruce: Yes. It also helps if I know your address.

Guy 2: Oh right... 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Guy 2: OK. When can you start?

Bruce: I already have.


Guy 2: Well that’s efficient.

Bruce: Yes. I get that a lot.

To be continued.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

When I said regular service would resume shortly...

...I was lying. Obviously. Sorry guys, but I got distracted. I did write more, but now I have to focus on university stuff for the next 2 months.

Then I'll post something new!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Regular Service will Resume Shortly

Dear faithful readers,

Never fear! Though I may have been neglecting this blog since May that will change soon, as I am working on a new serial for your reading pleasure. It is called "The Investigation" and is planned to be only a few parts in length but very interesting nonetheless. It will expand a little bit more on Guy 1's mysterious background and see Guy 2 take measures to try and discover shocking truths... horrifying truths... though he might fail, who knows? Find out soon when I start updating. (Uni is pretty much over, but I have a few assignments left and an exam near the end of November so you won't get Part 1 until at least a week and a half from now).

Here is an extract from it! Just to keep you all happy!

Part One:

Guy 2 walked into the large shopping centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.

Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?

Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come from?

Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...

Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though, because I was never really told... we should ask someone.

Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by grabbing their shoulder.

Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.

The person stared at them, judged them by their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a joke and walked away without saying a word.

Guy 1: That person just doesn’t understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know... French? Because-

Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and movies.

Guy 1: Cool.

Guy 2 walked in the direction of the nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.

Guy 1: I am following you.

Guy 2: I noticed.

Guy 1: I have not much to do today...

To be continued...

There? Are you happy now? No? Oh, I'm sorry... please... please don't cry... no, I don't think you're fat. Here, have some anti-depressants.

Now let's hope I pass that ONE exam!

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Holiday Prt 11

There was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed. Guy 1 grabbed onto Sally and held her tightly in fear. Everything went incredibly quiet. Everyone looked around. Nothing happened. Guy 1 let go of Sally. Still nothing happened. No ravenous monster or animal came out from the darkness to kill.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I don’t know...

Guy 2: Nothing has happened...

Sally: I know...

Guy 2: That was really anticlimactic.

Sally: It was a bit yeah.

Guy 2: I’m disappointed in whatever it was.

Guy 1: So am I. It set itself up for being seriously scary and then lulled and now the fear is gone. It cannot compete with Gary at all.

Sally: I don’t think that was the intent of the wild animal.

Guy 2: Oh! Perhaps it’s just lulling is into a false sense of security before striking?

Guy 1: Well we’re pretty secure... but let’s wait anyway just in case.

Everyone was perfectly still waiting to see if they would be dragged into the night screaming by some horrid foul creature. Nothing happened for quite some time.

Guy 2: I am feeling very lulled. Isn’t that right?

Guy 1: Yes, I too am feeling very lulled. I am very secure right now in this dark forest. I am glad that I am safe.

Sally: What?

Guy 2: (Quietly) we’re making it know that it has succeeded in lulling us into a false sense of security to lure it out...

Still nothing happens as they all pause.

Guy 1: Absolute disappointment.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 1: I can’t believe our ploy didn’t work!

Guy 2: Yeah, it seemed so foolproof.

Sally: Sigh. So who wants to tell a story next? How about you Wizard?

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: We all know this!

Wizard: I’m a wizard you know.

Guy 2: Yes. We do know.

Wizard: I do wizard things.

Before Guy 2 could yell at the Wizard, Sally asked him a question.

Sally: Do you have an interesting story to do with those wizard things?

Wizard: Not really. It’s mostly accounting.

Guy 2: Being a wizard involves accounting?

Wizard: I can do magic with numbers. I’m a magicmatician.

Guy 2: You are so lame. I bet nothing this terrible has happened to anyone else who decided to take a holiday in Charleston...

Cut to: The Bus Driver. He knocks on a dilapidated old house.

Bus Driver: OK surely this house will have someone who can help me...

The door sways open by itself and the Bus Driver walks in.

Bus Driver: Hello? Anyone?

He readies his machine gun and points aimlessly around the room even though it’s too dark to see. There’s a rustling of thousands of little feet accompanied by something large and thudding. The Bus Driver looks around frantically, his sense of direction now lost.

Bus Driver: Who is there!?

Something grabs him in the dark. There is a loud screeching noise and suddenly everything goes quiet.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2: Everything bad happens to me...

Sally: Aww, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, you met me!

Guy 2: That has so far been a bonus.

Guy 1: And don’t forget you have me to thank for it!

Guy 2: Oh yeah... you. Yay.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: Thanks Gary.

Sally: Well who else has a story?

Guy 2: I suppose I could tell one.

Sally: Oh please do Mr. Watzisname.

Guy 2: What? Oh never mind. OK. Well one day I was driving along and I went to go round a corner, so I indicated.

Guy 1: I love this story so far.

Guy 2: Shush you. Right, well my indicator stuck yeah so after I had gone round the corner and continued on. But I was constantly indicating right, by the way, we drive on the left in Australia, so when I got onto a double lane road everyone thought I was trying to get into the right lane when I wanted to stay in the left. Hahahaha! Everyone got so annoyed!

Sally: That was... interesting... yeah...

Guy 1: Cool...

Gary: (click).

Sally: Hmm. So, how about you?

Guy 1: Oh I don’t have a story to tell.

Sally: Sure you do.

Guy 1: Yeah, but... I’m tired now...

Guy 2: So I am. Let’s all go to sleep.

Gary: (click)

Wizard: I agree with what Gary just clicked. It was concise but elegant.

Sally: OK I guess it’s been dark for quite some time now. So shall we all sleep, with one of us to stay and feed wood to the fire?

Everyone at once: Yes. Bags not staying up.

Everyone besides Sally instantly lied down and fell asleep.

Sally: Thanks guys... leave me to feed the fire. Typical.

Many hours later that night, Guy 1 stirred from his sleep, with the assistance of Sally poking his face with a stick. It was very effective at helping the process come along quickly.

Guy 1: Ugh... why has the forest come alive and started poking me? Have I angered it?

Sally: Haha. No it’s just me silly. Come on; stay up with me for a while before I go to sleep.

Guy 1: What time is it?

Sally: Midnight... ish.

Guy 1: Mmm. You know, right now it’s midday in Australia.

Sally: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 1: Which makes me wonder why I’m not jet lagged right now... That’s odd. Anyway... Good... morning.

Sally: Good morning. So... the ground’s not too uncomfortable is it?

Guy 1: Oh no. It’s quite alright. Feel it.

Sally: I’m fine thanks haha. But thanks for offering.

Guy 1: Do you think I’ll get sued by mother Earth if I caress the earth for a bit? You know America is full of weird litigation cases like that.

Sally: You really like this ground don’t you?

Guy 1: Yeah. It’s much mulchier feeling... You don’t get much of that where I come from; it doesn’t rain often enough to get lots of plant matter to make the ground like this. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle it back to my country?

Sally: Probably not.

Guy 1 scuttled over to sit next to Sally. They looked up at the stars.

Guy 1: Aliens...

Sally: Hmm?

Guy 1: Aliens.

Guy 1 pointed to the sky.

Guy 1: They’re bound to be out there, right? Sometimes I look up with my binoculars and search for them. They’re not where I can see them, but I figure that’s because there’s a lot that I don’t see... (long pause) Maybe I need a bigger pair of binoculars.

Sally: Haha. Maybe. You know what I love about the country? You can see so much more stars than you can in cities. Light pollution sucks.

Guy 1: I agree.

They looked up at the sky, watching the constellations and talking about how much they enjoyed light and the many things it allowed them to see. Guy 1 at one point nearly though he had seen a UFO but it was only a shooting star. You see I *could* talk about their conversations that they had into the night but quite frankly that’d not be that interesting. Instead...

The next morning Gary, Guy 2 and Wizard awoke to see Sally leaning on Guy 1’s shoulder fast asleep. Guy 2 walked over to them and changed the brightness settings on his phone to max. He shined it in Guy 2’s face.

Guy 2: TRUCK!

Guy 1: AGGGHHH!!

Wizard: AGGGHHH!!

Guy 1: LIGHT POLLUTION! Whoa hey. Why are you showing me your phone? Oh, you’ve got a message.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 2 looked at his phone. He did indeed have a message. He checked it.

Message: Hello valued customer! We’d just like to inform you that your roaming area has increased by %20 due to our harsh and ruthless deforestation of natural environments to build telecommunications towers! Remember, don’t let the hippy propaganda get in the way of text messaging!

Guy 2: AWESOME! Hey guys! We now have phone reception in the woods! We’re saved!

Sally stirred from her slumber.

Guy 2: Sally! Good news! Deforestation has saved us!

Sally: What? That’s horrible!

Guy 2: No it’s not you hippy propagandist. Now, what do I dial to get us rescued?

Sally: 991.

Guy 2: Really? That’s such a stupid number. Are you sure that’s right? Wizard?

Wizard: I’m not sure either... Perhaps you should look up Wikipedia.

Guy 2: Oh right yeah. OK hang on a sec.

Sally: Just trust me it’s 991!

Guy 2: Yeah, but I’m just double checking OK? Don’t want to be wrong about these things... Stupid phone internet takes so long to load...

Sally: Wait, your phone is fancy enough to have internet access?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: Well surely it’d also be equipped with some kind of GPS like function right?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: You got lost in the woods... and you didn’t bother to check your GPS?

Guy 2: Hmm... Yeah, I can see that I may have made a mistake and that perhaps I should’ve considered the possibility of using said GPS system before I got too lost.

Sally: So we didn’t have to risk dying of cold in the woods looking for you?

Guy 2: Mmmmm yeah I guess.

Sally: Right. So what are you going to do now?

Guy 2: Um... check Wikipedia?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: What? Oh! Right yes, the GPS. Haha sorry... awkward. (Looking at his phone) OK, yeah OK... mmm... come on... OK... yeah... OK. OK. Yeah. OK. According to this we are currently in... a wood.

Sally: Yes. I can see this.

Wizard: I can too! TREES! TREES WITH LEAVES!

Sally: Which way do we go to get out of the wood?

Guy 2: Um, left! Yes. OK we just head off in that direction and we’ll be free!

Wizard: FREEDOM!!!!

The Wizard ran in the direction that Guy 2 had pointed.

Sally: Damn, that Wizard is messed up.

Guy 1: Onward!

They followed The Wizard off into the trees. After an hour of trekking through the foliage and tree trunks they emerged onto a street that led on into town. Guy 2 collapsed to his knees and closed his eyes.

Guy 2: Ughh...

Sally: What?

Guy 2: You know, I’ve been told I’m going to have my legs broken, been accused of being a terrorist twice, being beaten up, mugged, nearly killed in a drag race and subsequent explosion, lost all my luggage, had my accommodation burn down before I even got to raid the minibar and gotten completely lost and spent a night in a scary wood in a foreign land all in the past day and a half!

Guy 1: And we’ve still got 13 days left of this vacation!

Guy 2 opened his eyes.

Guy 2: Oh no... Please no! This past day and a half felt like it lasted over a year! I can barely remember when I was having a nice relaxing shower, trying not to fear the soap that had made it’s way into my bathroom.

Guy 1: Oh pish posh. This holiday is flying by so quickly! How interesting it’s going to be! I wonder what adventures we’re going to have the next 13 days!

Guy 2: I never want to go on vacation with you again...

Guy 1: Come on; let’s go to Sally’s home.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 1: You said it! We do need showers!

Sally: Up you get.

Sally dragged Guy 2 to his feet.

Sally: I know the way home from here.

And so they went back to Sally’s house where they showered and cleaned themselves, especially their teeth. Afterwards they spent the day relaxing watching TV. The next few days went by smoothly; Guy 1 and Sally returned to trying and make their pizza juice business work out and Guy 2 and Gary went back to playing video games instead of admiring nature. You see, those next few days were not very climactic. They didn’t get into any major adventures at all. Not too interesting huh? Oh well.

It was the last day of their holiday and they were at the airport.

Sally: I’ll miss you guys.

Guy 1: I’ll miss you too.

Sally: Be sure to write to me sometime. What’s your address?

Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s um, 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Sally: Awesome.

Sally hugged Guy 1.

Sally: You’re brilliant, you know this right?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: This isn’t the end you know. It never is. We’re probably destined to meet again someday.

Guy 1: I look forward to it. I... I...

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Think you’re... brilliant too.

Sally’s smile widened.

Sally: You’re sweet.

Guy 1: You haven’t tasted me yet...

Sally: Well then, I’ll just have to get some evidence to back up my statement.

Sally kissed Guy 1 on the forehead. Guy 1’s face went red.

Sally: Told you so. Hahahaha! Your face is so red!

Guy 1: Yeah well-

Guy 2 grabbed Guy 2 by the collar.

Guy 2: Come on! We’re going to be late for the flight! I don’t want anyone to think that we’re terrorists again.

Just at that point a passing nun heard only the words “we’re terrorists again” and turned to Guy 2 and screamed.


Guy 2: Oh not again!

Guy 2 quickly ran off towards the boarding gate as the Nun charged at him waving her Bible at him. Guy 1 ran after him.

Guy 1: Goodbye Sally!

Sally: Goodbye!

The Guys made it to the plane and showed their tickets to get on just in time to escape the crazed nun. They sat down in their seats next to each other and waited for the plane to take off.

Guy 2: That was close...

Guy 1: Yeah...

The plane took off. Hours later it landed in Australia and Guy 1 and 2 were soon back at Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: Ah! It’s good to be home!

He paused and looked around.

Guy 2: Hmm...

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: Oh nothing, just... it seems like there’s meant to be some feeling of closure around now.

Guy 1: What do you mean?

Guy 2: I’m not sure. Oh well... I guess I’ll just uhh... sit down and read a book. Bye now.

Guy 1: Yeah, bye.

Guy 1 left.

Guy 2 sat and tried to read the latest Mathew Reilly book but for some reason things just didn’t seem right. He made himself dinner and after he finished his meal he still felt as if something wasn’t right. The next day still didn’t seem right, as if something was missing or something was meant to have happened. The next day Guy 1 came round again.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: What up?

Guy 2: I keep thinking I’m missing something... like I’ve forgotten something really important that’s preventing me from feeling like this chapter of my life is over. I don’t know what it is...

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: It’s um... um... oh why? Why? Why did... we... go on a holiday just then?

Guy 1: Oh right! Because I borrowed money from a loan shark in your name and you had to escape the country to stop yourself from being mutilated by gangsters!

Guy 2: Oh yeah! That’s right... OH S***! WHAT!? I’m going to be BEATEN BECAUSE OF YOU UNLESS I GET FIVE GRAND! I don’t have five grand!

Guy 1: Calm down! Calm down!

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because yelling hurts my sensitive ears!


Suddenly, a letter slid through the post slit in the door. They turned and picked it up and opened it.

Guy 1: It’s from Sally!

Guy 2: Thank you for the exposition, but I am capable of reading.

Guy 1: Just... saying. Just in case you didn’t know.

Guy 2: Right. Anyway...

They read the letter.

Hey guys!

Hope you’re all well! I’m just writing to you to inform you that just after you left my Dad took a real shine to our Pizza Juice stall and so he got in contact with his old business friend from when he visited the Falkland Islands (I never knew he went there, or when. Weird hey?) and he decided that it was a viable business option! Now Pizza Juice is a registered trademark of the Lindum Corporation and it’s making lots of money already! Can you believe that? Soon it’ll probably be in stores over there too! Well, since it was your idea here’s your half of the money. Enclosed is a cheque for 5 thousand dollars (Australian as I thought you’d not be too good with the stock exchange and all those tricky numbers).

Love, Sally.

Guy 1: Oh cool, I have five grand now.

Guy 2: Dude... Give me the money.

Guy 1: What? But it was my pizza juice!

Guy 2: Dude! You owe me that money! If I don’t get it, I’m going to have my legs broken and it’ll be all your fault!

Guy 1 sighed. He passed over the cheque.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2: Thank you! Now never do that again you understand?

Guy 1: Never give you lots of money? OK.

Guy 2: No I meant never loan money in my name from a loan shark! EVER!

Guy 1: Well I can hardly give him my name!

Guy 2: Whatever! Now, tell me how to pay this guy back...

And that was the conclusion to that exciting adventure of Guy 1 and 2. Guy 2 managed to successfully pay off his debts and didn’t get beaten up. Life continued on as normal as it possibly could with Guy 1 nearby. And so there’s nothing else to say but The En-

Cameraman: Terrible!


Cameraman: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t like this story at all! It took far too long to write and I only had a very minor cameo!


Cameraman: You heard me narrator. I’m meant to be a main character, a provider of sage wisdom and HD quality image playback! And that final bit where the 13 days go by quickly with nothing happening? You’re so lazy! You could’ve turned this into a Lord of the Rings like epic comedy! But no- No you’re just SO HANDSOME AND WELL HUNG! YES! I LOVE THE NARRATOR/AUTHOR! HE’S SEXY! No I didn’t say that! Stop editing what I s- SEX IS FUN! Fine! Fine! Say it! It’s about time that this thing concludes.

The End.

Friday, March 26, 2010


"One year? Has it been a year already?" Said the Author as he took another bite into a ham and cheese sandwich. "Doesn't seem like it." The year had flown by, and the actual amount of writing done for the sole purpose of this blog only reached 100 pages, with all other things on it being written previously. Still, a year later The Holiday had yet to be finished. Back when it started it flowed so nicely but now it's just a matter of trying to think of enough jokes to make it funny between where it is and the ending. The ending was all thought out, though only since around part 6.
"It'll take me forever to really develop my ideas at this rate." It was disappointing, the conclusion was meant to have been reached by part 10, but then there was the realisation that it just couldn't fit. "Part 12" he thought to himself, "That'll probably be about when it ends... It'll be a very long finale, they always are."
He paused, and got a drink. Typing happens slowly and with breaks between sentences as he gets constantly distracted by the things around him. Focus, that's what he really needed. That, and organisation skills.
Staring at the pile of paper next to him the Author realises that somewhere under some piles of paper is probably something important, long forgotten that hadn't seen the light of day in ages. He still hadn't sent off that letter to Nintendo, or finished that sketch of an Allosaurus skeleton. Yet another story had been put on hold, this time an obscure and bizarre romance tail that completely screws with gender identity and the conventional idea of beauty, because of another fresher idea being developed and then University made writing it too hard.
"Creative Writing course next semester. That should be helpful."
Another year, is coming up and hopefully by then there'd be more to this than just one story and some filler. Thoughts of many ideas ran through the Authors head, perhaps the origin story? Perhaps, though we should probably get to know Guy 1 better first. Maybe the story of how Guy 1 and 2 met? Or time travel. "Guy 2 has a name, I should give him a name..."
Checking the clock the Author realises that he's spent the entire day not doing much again. It was time to go do some work, or at least play Far Cry.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

The Holiday Prt 10

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: You just said that!

Wizard: Yes well I am a Wizard you know.

Sally: What are you doing here Wizard?

Guy 1: You know the wizard?

Sally: Yeah. He’s a wizard.

Guy 1: That’s... that’s not a correlation!

Gary: (click)

Wizard: I was just out for a leisurely stroll when some squirrels offered me a shoe. I was suspicious of the squirrels at first but they tried to assure me it had obtained the shoe legitimately. You know me, I’m always a bit uncertain about accepting deals for footwear, especially ones with teeth marks, from woodland creatures so I declined his offer. Now I am here.

Sally: It’s a good thing you didn’t accept that offer from the squirrel Wizard, that shoe belongs to a friend of ours and that squirrel stole it from him.

Guy 1: Yes, and stealing is wrong.

Wizard: Where is your friend now?

Sally: He’s wandered off and now is lost in the woods.

Wizard: Then I shall help you find him! I’m a wizard you know.

Sally: Yes, yes I do.

Sally leads them the way that Gary had pointed out previously. The wizard trailed slightly behind far enough that Guy 1 could talk to Sally quietly without being heard.

Guy 1: You know the Wizard?

Sally: I already said yes.

Guy 1: Yes but... how?

Sally: Oh I just know him. He just pops up now and then.

Guy 1: Talking to woodland creatures? Can he really do that?

Sally: I don’t think so. But hey, some crazy people you just need to humour really. I don’t think he’s dangerous it’s just he probably will just keep talking about the squirrels until you agree with him. Just smile and nod. Oh, and whatever you do, when he says “I’m a wizard” don’t go “and I’m a troll!” or any other mythical creature. He goes crazy.

Guy 1: Does he turn green?

Sally: What? Oh, hahaha no. He’s not the hulk.

Guy 1: I was actually thinking Green Lantern but OK, good to know he also is not the hulk.

Sally: He is definitely not a famous comic book hero of any kind. Though one of my neighbour’s kids did have his own comic book series going for a while and did include the wizard in one issue.

Guy 1: How’d it go?

Sally: He’d just subdue everyone with lightning and then smoothly say “I’m a wizard” and all the girls would swoon for him.

Guy 1: If only that worked in real life.

Guy 1 looked off in the distance longingly, wishing that not only did it work but that he was a wizard as well. Oh the fun he’d have if only he had a foot long wand and a catchy catchphrase that turned on women. He randomly spoke midway through his thought.

Guy 1: It’d be so erotic.

Sally: It’d be what?

Guy 1: I said erotic.

Long pause.

Sally: What would?

Guy 1: Wands. In my... head... No I mean. I was thinking of... things. Wizardy things.

Wizard: (in the distance) I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: Thank you for informing me! Again!

Wizard: You’re very welcome!

Guy 1: I know I am. I am most welcome.

Wizard: I concur!

Sally: OK I can’t tell, is this a conversation entirely in sarcasm? Or are either both or either of you unable of understanding sarcasm so this is sincere? I’m not sure with you two.

Guy 1: I’m being sincere.

Wizard: So am I! I’m a wizard you know!

Guy 1: Not a correlation!

Gary: (click) (click!) (click!)

Gary banged his head against a nearby tree.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Sally: You’re right Gary; it’s soon to be dark. OK everyone lets pick up the pace! Hey, give me your phone.

Sally got hers out and adjusted the brightness setting. Guy 1 handed her his phone and did the same. She pointed them down at the ground.

Sally: Do those look like tracks to you?

The Wizard started climbing a tree. Gary and Guy 1 crowded round what Sally was pointing to.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 1: I agree Gary; indeed they do look like tracks.

Sally: OK they’re not the best defined prints but they look human right?

Guy 1: Yeah.

Sally: OK. I can’t tell if whoever made these tracks was missing a shoe or how old they are so we’re just going to have to take a gamble and follow them anyway. Agree everyone?

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: (click)

Sally: Wizard? Hello? Where’s the Wizard?

Everyone looked around but couldn’t see him. Suddenly he dropped down right in front of them only inches away.

Wizard: Hi!

Guy 1: Agh!

Sally: What were you doing?

Wizard: I was climbing the tree to see further on, I thought if I wasn’t blocked by all the trunks of trees I could see more.

Sally: And what did you see at the top of the tree?

Wizard: Leaves. Lots of leaves... apparently there are a lot of them everywhere.

Sally: Yes, trees generally have leaves.

Wizard: Many. Many that block my view.

Sally: Yeah... OK so this way then.

Sally takes a step back from the Wizard before leading them in the direction of the tracks, yelling out in case Guy 2 heard them. As they ventured further they were painfully aware of the sun setting. It was getting increasingly dark and the party was getting very worried, except the wizard which seemed unaware of anything and just smiled obliviously. It was almost disconcerting for Guy 1 who still had thoughts about being killed lingering in the back of his head. And hey, was the Wizard glowing?

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1: Gasp! A bear has been injured!

Sally: OK I’ve known him for much less time and even I know that that’s your friend.

Guy 2: Ow again!

Sally: Hello! What’s happening? Where are you?

Guy 2: I bumped into a tree! Ow! I bumped into it again! I think I’m blind.

Sally: Stop walking around. It’s dark, you’re not blind.

Guy 2: No, I’m pretty sure I’m blind now. Walked into a branch and now I can’t open my eyes because it hurts too much.

Sally: OK well keep talking, we’re going to try and find you by the sound of your voice.

Guy 2: OK. What to say? What to say? OK well after Gary abandoned me-

Gary: (click) (click)!

Guy 2: So cruelly and harshly abandoned, and pretending to be disabled to get away with it too, I wandered around aimlessly in the hopes of eventually making it back home. Unfortunately this did not come to pass and now I am stuck standing in front of a tree I can’t see for multiple reasons, one, it’s quite dark and two-

Sally: OK you can stop talking now we’ve found you.

Guy 2: Oh good. Now what?

Sally: Well I can take a look at your eye for you.

Sally used her phone to see as she inspected Guy 2’s eye.

Sally: Yeah don’t worry, it looks fine. You haven’t scratched anything, you’ve just poked it. You’ll be fine in a while.

Guy 2: Good.

Guy 2 slowly opened his eyes, blinking a lot. Eventually he could open them all the way. While he was doing this Sally looked around. It was now completely dark and there was no hope of getting back home now.

Sally: Oh...

Guy 1: Oh?

Sally: It’s too dark to carry on, we’ll need to camp here for the night. Do any of you know how to make a good fire?

Guy 1: I d-

Guy 2: NO! No! No you are not going to make us a camp fire!

Sally: Why not? What’s so bad about him making fire?

Guy 2: Do you want to tell her why you’re never allowed to make fire again?

Guy 1 paused, opened his mouth and looked at Sally, who was illuminated in the eerie glow of a mobile phone screen, for a moment before speaking.

Guy 1: (meekly) No.

Guy 2: Tell her the story...

Guy 1: But I don’t want to!

Guy 2: Tell her about the fire story or I tell everyone about the time you used Botox on uncle’s baby!

Gary: (click) (click)?

Sally: You did wh-

Guy 1: So yes, fire story! I shall tell you... the fire story...

Gary: (click)?

Guy 1: NO BABIES! OK well it all started one summer when I decided it would be fun to play with matches. Soon I had made a detailed picture of his dog out of burnt matchsticks. I was quite impressed so I decided to show the picture off to the dog and he seemed quite interested so went to sniff it and one of the matches was still burning as an ember and then... well his snout caught on fire.

Guy 2: And then what?

Guy 1: And then he ran over near your precious collection of dried grass and then it too set on fire...

Sally: “Your precious collection of dried grass”?

Guy 2: It was a different time... Don’t judge me.

Guy 1: So then his dog is on fire, and so is his grass and then suddenly I realised my right hand has caught alight and then he comes home and sees all this happening.

Guy 2: I get angry. Really angry.

Guy 1: So he’s beating me with a cricket bat and yelling profanities while his dog is running around on fire and then the cricket bat sets on fire.

Sally: OK I think I get the picture. So how’d it get resolved?

Guy 1: Neighbour was too lazy to call the fire department so they turned on a hose and sprayed it over the fence.

Guy 2: And not with specific intent or aim either, she just slung it over the fence so it was just spraying a bit over. We had to chase the dog towards the hose and then put out his hand.

Sally: Not the other way round? Aww you poor man!

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s right hand and looked at it.

Sally: There are no scars or healed burn marks on this hand! Only one scar in the middle?

Guy 2: He’s like some kind of weird freak who has a natural immunity to fire or something. You can set part of him on fire and it’ll burn for a while without hurting him. I have no idea where those two scars on his hands come from.

Guy 1: It does hurt me. It’s hot and hotness hurts.

Guy 2: Not quite what I meant.

Sally looked at Guy 1’s left hand and there was an identical scar also in the middle. She looked up at him with a look of disbelief that their story was true.

Sally: Immunity to fire? That’s just absurd.

Guy 2: Well in case you haven’t noticed he’s a very absurd person. Now, I’m going to help us get a campfire going and not burn down the entire woods!

Five minutes later:

Sally: OK now as long as you don’t touch anything like dirt or trees then it shouldn’t get infected.

Guy 2: Ow.

Guy 2 clutched his hand that was now slightly burnt.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Shut up! I have no idea what you just said but I’m sure you were mocking me.

Gary: (click)

Sally: Oh he doesn’t mean that. I’m sure he wants you to get well soon. Don’t worry; it’s not a major burn so not all of the skin on your hand will peel off. Sorry but I don’t have any bandages to wrap your hand in with me.

Guy 2: I feel so reassured.

Guy 2 looked at the back and front of his hand. It looked incredibly red and orange actually. It took him a moment to realise that the orange was because of the flickering light coming from a few feet from him. He looked over and saw that Guy 1 had successfully made a camp fire while Sally was tending to his wounds. Sally had noticed this too.

Sally: Oh how pretty! Good job! See? We should’ve let him make fire after all!

Guy 2 was completely delusional that he still had a chance with Sally as he was unaware of that near kiss that happened between Guy 1 and her. He was feeling quite jealous of Sally’s constant affection for Guy 1 and annoyed at his constant injury. It just didn’t seem right that Guy 1 would be getting more attention than him for things that weren’t obscene in public.

Sally: It’s a good thing you got this fire going or we would’ve had to snuggle together for warmth.

It was almost audible the sound of the realisation of an opportunity missed in Guy 1 and 2’s head. They just froze as they imagined what could’ve occurred out here in the woods all starting with Sally saying “Gee it’s cold tonight.”

Guy 1 and 2: We... still... could.

They glanced at each other realising that their thoughts were on the same track. It somewhat disturbed Guy 2 to think that his thoughts were exactly the same as Guy 1’s even down to the timing. Sally laughed.

Sally: Let’s sit down.

They all sat down in a circle around the fire.

Sally: Well it’s dark but it’s too early to sleep so let’s all tell each other a story. Gary, you’re first.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)? (click) (click)?

Sally: No we don’t mind if it’s a really long one. In fact, the longer the better. And yes, it can be a horror story.

Gary: (click)!

Gary smiled as he shuffled slightly closer to the fire. He leaned forward so the fire would light his face in an eerie glow, shadows were cast across his face. He slowly looked at everyone around the fire before taking a deep breath as he readied his story.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) .......... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)................ (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)........ (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click).... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)........................................................................................................... (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)! (click)! (click)! (click)! (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)!!! (CLICK)!!!

Sally, The Wizard and Guy 1 sat there captivated by Gary’s story. Guy 1 was even trembling and Sally would gasp whenever Gary clicked in exclamation. Guy 2 just sat there bored as hell as he still couldn’t understand a single word Gary said. It was just repetitive clicking to him. Gary continued his story.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)! (click)! (click)! (click)! .............. (click) (click) (click)!!! (click) (click)!!.................................................................................... (click)

Guy 1 and Sally flinched at the end before applauding. Wizard screamed.

Sally: That was best and scariest story I have ever heard! How did you tell it so masterfully Gary? The suspense, the detail!

Guy 1: That was so dirty.

Sally: I did not expect that ending.

Guy 1: I didn’t either. I was just... blown away!

Sally: I was too!

Wizard: It was more suspenseful than Hitchcock, was more macabre than Poe himself and even King would be freaked by your storytelling. I give it 5 out of 4 stars.

Gary: (click) (click)!

Sally: What did you think of it? Wasn’t it just the scariest story ever?

Guy 2: Um... sure.

Sally: And very original too. The ways those people died!

Guy 2: It was definitely like nothing I had ever experienced.

Guy 1: I will forever be scared of salad due to that. I really will have to check through the entire thing before I eat a single bite.

Guy 2 was uncertain if they were just messing with him or if that was really part of the story. Just in case, he didn’t want to admit absolute ignorance by asking what salad had to do with anything or why The Wizard was looking around wildly in all directions with his fists up ready to fight. Maybe that was due to the story maybe because The Wizard seemed to be permanently on some kind of acid trip, Guy 2 really couldn’t tell.

Guy 1: I don’t think I can sleep tonight after that.

Sally: Well I guess that means you get to tend to the fire to make sure it doesn’t go out!

Guy 1: Stay up with me. I’m scared.

Sally: Don’t worry; I won’t let the story come true, especially not the part involving the eggs and the tractor.

Guy 1: Oh good. That was the scariest part!

Sally: It was indeed.

Sally held Guy 1 jokingly to comfort him. Just then, there was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed.

To be continued...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

CBM 17: Choo-Choo The End! Choo-Choo

Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.

Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!

Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…

Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.

Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.

Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…

Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.

Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.

Guy 1: Huh?

Worker 1: We like the band.

Guy 1: Ah.

Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.

Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?

Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.

Worker 1: Oh not you…

Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.

Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?

Worker 1 is looking around.

Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?

Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.

Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?

Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.

Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!

Worker 1: That’s nice.

Worker 3: Ugh…

Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.

Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?

Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?

Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

Guy 1: Oh forget this.

Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.

Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?

Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.

Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…

Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?

Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.

Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!

Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?

Guy 1: Uh… sure…

Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.

Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…

Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hey…

Guy 2: Hey…

Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?

Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?

Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…

Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?

Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.

Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.

Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!

Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.

Cameraman: What was up with that?

Guy 2: I’m not sure…

Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.

Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…

Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.

Worker 1: Gah!

Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.

Guy 2: It’s… you!

Worker 1: No it isn’t!

Guy 1: You know this person?

Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!

Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.

Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?

Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…

Guy 1: That’s… creepy…

Guy 2: You’re telling me…

Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?

Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?

Worker 1: Yes?

Guy 2: No.

Worker 1: Aw. Please?

Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!

Everyone turns to Girl 1.

Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.

Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!

Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!

Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!

Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1 gasps.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!

Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!


Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!

Girl 1: Scottish!

Guy 1: Same difference.

Girl 1: No it isn’t!

Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…

Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.

Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?

Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!

Everyone stares at Girl 1.

Girl 1: What?

Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.

Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…

Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.

Girl 1: Shut up you!

Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.

Guy 1: Really? OK.

Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.

Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?

Guy 2: Not like that.

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.

Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.

Girl 1: To the park!

Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.

Guy 1: What’s on the roof?

Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.

Guy 1 looks up.

Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…

Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.

Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?

Worker 3: Sure.

Worker 2 runs in.

Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!

Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.

Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.

Worker 2: Noooooo!

Cut to: The park.

Guy 2: Hey! We found him!

Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.

Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.

Guy 1: Why?

Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.

Guy 1: Make me.

Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.

Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!

Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.

Guy 2: Never do.

Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!

Girl 1: Well you still suck.

Guy 4: Bah! It talks!

Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!

Guy 4: (Scared) OK.

Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.

Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.

Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!

Everyone stops and stares for a moment.

Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.

Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.

Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…

Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!

Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!

Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!

Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.

Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?

Guy 4: Who do you suggest?

Guy 1: Uh… Him!

Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.

Person: Me!?

Guy 1: Yes!

Guy 2: Yes!

Guy 4: Darn!

Person: OK.

Guy 1: What?

Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.

Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.

Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.

Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!

Everyone laughs.

Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.

Everyone laughs again.

Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!

Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.

Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?

Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.

Guy 1: Dunno.

The Dark Figure approaches them.

Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!

The Dark figure holds up a knife.

Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!

Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!

The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.

Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…

Guy 1: Run!

Everyone screams.

The End.

Monday, December 28, 2009

CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 4 walks in the door.

Guy 1: Oh not you again.

Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.

Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.

Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.

Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?

Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.

Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?

Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?

Guy 1 pauses and thinks.

Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…

Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…

Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.

Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?

Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…

Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.

Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…

Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.

Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?

Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.

Guy 1: Aww…

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…

Worker 1 waves a stick around.

Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.

Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!

Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…

Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.

Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.

Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1 puts down the disc.

Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Because I said so.

Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?

Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.

Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.

Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?

Worker 1: I’m not raping you.

Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.

Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.

Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.

Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!

Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?

Guy 2: No… you?

Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…

Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.

Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.

Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.

Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!

Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.

Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!

The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.

Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!

Cut to: Girl 1.

Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Everything’s normal again.

Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?

Cameraman: Uh…

There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.

Cameraman: Hoorah!

Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…

Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.

Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!

Girl 1 smiles.

Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: So what’s your plan?

Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.

Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.

Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.

Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?

Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.

Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.

Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.

Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!

Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!

Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!

Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!

Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?

Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.

Guy 2 grabs a passing person.

Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?

Person: No! I didn’t!

Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!

Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!

Guy 2 lets go of the person.

Guy 2: OK then… good…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.

Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!

Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.

Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.

Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!

Guy 2: Fine!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.

Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.

To be continued...