CBM 17: Choo-Choo The End! Choo-Choo

Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.

Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!

Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…

Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.

Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.

Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…

Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.

Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.

Guy 1: Huh?

Worker 1: We like the band.

Guy 1: Ah.

Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.

Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?

Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.

Worker 1: Oh not you…

Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.

Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?

Worker 1 is looking around.

Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?

Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.

Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?

Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.

Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!

Worker 1: That’s nice.

Worker 3: Ugh…

Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.

Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?

Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?

Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

Guy 1: Oh forget this.

Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.

Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?

Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.

Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…

Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?

Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.

Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!

Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?

Guy 1: Uh… sure…

Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.

Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…

Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hey…

Guy 2: Hey…

Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?

Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?

Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…

Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?

Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.

Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.

Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!

Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.

Cameraman: What was up with that?

Guy 2: I’m not sure…

Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.

Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…

Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.

Worker 1: Gah!

Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.

Guy 2: It’s… you!

Worker 1: No it isn’t!

Guy 1: You know this person?

Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!

Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.

Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?

Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…

Guy 1: That’s… creepy…

Guy 2: You’re telling me…

Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?

Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?

Worker 1: Yes?

Guy 2: No.

Worker 1: Aw. Please?

Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!

Everyone turns to Girl 1.

Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.

Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!

Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!

Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!

Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1 gasps.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!

Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!

(Pause)

Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!

Girl 1: Scottish!

Guy 1: Same difference.

Girl 1: No it isn’t!

Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…

Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.

Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?

Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!

Everyone stares at Girl 1.

Girl 1: What?

Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.

Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…

Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.

Girl 1: Shut up you!

Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.

Guy 1: Really? OK.

Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.

Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?

Guy 2: Not like that.

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.

Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.

Girl 1: To the park!

Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.

Guy 1: What’s on the roof?

Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.

Guy 1 looks up.

Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…

Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.

Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?

Worker 3: Sure.

Worker 2 runs in.

Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!

Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.

Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.

Worker 2: Noooooo!

Cut to: The park.

Guy 2: Hey! We found him!

Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.

Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.

Guy 1: Why?

Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.

Guy 1: Make me.

Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.

Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!

Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.

Guy 2: Never do.

Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!

Girl 1: Well you still suck.

Guy 4: Bah! It talks!

Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!

Guy 4: (Scared) OK.

Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.

Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.

Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!

Everyone stops and stares for a moment.

Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.

Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.

Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…

Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!

Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!

Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!

Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.

Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?

Guy 4: Who do you suggest?

Guy 1: Uh… Him!

Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.

Person: Me!?

Guy 1: Yes!

Guy 2: Yes!

Guy 4: Darn!

Person: OK.

Guy 1: What?

Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.

Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.

Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.

Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!

Everyone laughs.

Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.

Everyone laughs again.

Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!

Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.

Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?

Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.

Guy 1: Dunno.

The Dark Figure approaches them.

Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!

The Dark figure holds up a knife.

Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!

Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!

The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.

Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…

Guy 1: Run!

Everyone screams.

The End.

CBM 12: The Muppet Show

Guy 1 is holding a phone.

Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: Who was that?

Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?

Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?

Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…

Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?

Guy 2: Oh you’re here.

Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!

Guy 1: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Are you high?

(Pause)

Cameraman: Uh… no…

Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?

Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…

Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.

(Pause)

Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.

Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.

(Pause)

Everyone starts laughing.

Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.

Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…

Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?

(Pause)

Guy 1: I like that idea.

Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?

Guy 1: Huh?

Cameraman: Nothing…

Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.

Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?

Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…

Cameraman: So never technically.

Guy 1: Aww…

Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?

Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.

Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.

Guy 1: And you never will.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?

Guy 1: Where we started?

Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?

Guy 1: How is that where we started?

Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?

Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?

Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 2: On drugs.

Guy 1: What?

Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!

Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!

Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!

Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!

Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…

Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?

Guy 2 giggles.

Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.

Guy 1: Turn it off!

Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…

The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.

Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.

Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!

Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!

Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.

Guy 1 holds up his hand.

Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.

Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.

Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…

Guy 1: Good.

Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.

Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!

Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!

Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!

Cameraman: Next Saturday.

Guy 2: I’ll see you there.

Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.

Guy 2: Mine all expired.

Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…

Guy 1: No…

Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.

Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!

Guy 2: And I agree with her.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.

Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?

(Pause)

Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.

To be continued...