"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Friday, May 4, 2012

The Investigation Prt 1

Guy 2 walked into the large shopping centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.

Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?

Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come from?

Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...
Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though, because I was never really told... we should ask someone.

Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by grabbing their shoulder.

Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.

The person stared at them, judged them by their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a joke and walked away without saying a word.

Guy 1: That person just doesn’t understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know... French? Because-

Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and movies.

Guy 1: Cool.

Guy 2 walked in the direction of the nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.

Guy 1: I am following you.

Guy 2: I noticed.

Guy 1: I have not much to do today...

Guy 2: What do you do anyway when you’re not around me? Why don’t you just relax at home?

Guy 1: Well my home is a bit far away from here, it takes time to get here so I figured while I’m here I’ll just hang with you.

Guy 2: Oh, goody, me. You still didn’t answer my first question though...

Guy 1: Oh, I didn’t? Well I’m sorry but I told you, I don’t know where babies come from.

Guy 2: No- just- but... never mind.

Guy 1: Ok.

They continue walking onwards in silence.

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: Hmm?

Guy 1: Hmm.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nuh. Hmm.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Now you’re just getting further away. I don’t think you quite understand this game at all.

Guy 2: No... I don’t think I do.

Guy 1: Shops huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. I’m not a big fan of shopping. There are so many people, most of which you don’t know, and some you wish you didn’t know. You can’t walk around large shops without running into at least one person you know from high school or somewhere else.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah. Look, over there, there’s Trent.

Guy 1: HI TRE-

Guy 2: Shh! Don’t talk to him. He apparently has anger issues. Once, he got so mad he punched a towel rack.

Guy 1: Wow.

Guy 2: And over ther- oh dear he spotted me and is coming over.

Guy 1: Who? Who?

Harry: Hey! Haven’t seen you since graduation!

Guy 2: Yeah! Funny that. Well this is Harry, Harry this is...

Guy 2 motioned towards Guy 1. Guy 2 gave Guy 1 a look and nodded towards Harry. Guy 1 nodded slowly. Harry stood there in silence.

Harry: Well...

Harry mimics Guy 2’s head movements towards Guy 1.

Harry: ... it’s been nice meeting you, but I must be off. I should... go... away. I hope you and your boyfriend enjoy the rest of your day.

Guy 2: Oh we’re not...

Harry leaves.


An elderly lady gasps nearby and whacks Guy 2 across the head with her hand bag.

Elderly Lady: Such language! We’re in public!

She storms off.

Guy 2: Ow! What was that?

Guy 1: Harry. Also, an old lady hit you.

Guy 2: No not that. Why didn’t you introduce yourself?

Guy 1: Why would I do that?

Guy 2: Because of my head nod.

Guy 1: I thought nodding meant “yes”. Have I been lied to all these years? That’s confusing. But that doesn’t make sense; surely other people are also getting this wrong.

Guy 2: Shut up! My head may mean many things!

Guy 1: You should get a little LCD screen on your forehead then. You can just flash people words so they understand what you say. You wouldn’t even need to speak! It’d be so cool! Hey, that store looks like it sells LCD’s let’s go over there.

Guy 2: (sensing that this is a way to get rid of Guy 1) Cool, you go do that. But make sure to get the best LCD’s of many colours, if you have any questions just direct it to that salesman over there.

The salesman saw Guy 2 looking and pointing. The salesman winked and tipped his hand.

Guy 2: Um... yeah. I’m sure talking to him will enlighten you about many things. Kbai!

Guy 2 ran off to find the computer store, hoping that he could then find an exit that didn’t cross Guy 1’s path on his way back. He just wanted to upgrade his computer without Guy 1 looking over his shoulder or even, heaven forbid, touching his computer! It’d probably explode on contact for no apparent reason!

Guy 2 bought the hardware and exited the shop. Suddenly on the loudspeaker boomed an all too familiar voice.

Guy 1: Hi. Hello. He-loooooowww voice my voice is now looowwww and echoey. Hey cool, so that’s what this button does. Attention valuable customers, we have your loved ones hostage. Buy more. Buy more. Hey there! You look important... security guard. Would you like a turn with this microphone? No? Are you sure? It’s lots of fun... come on... come on.... come on... come on.... come on.... come on.... coommmeee ooonnn..... come on.... come on.... give it a go... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on... just a try... come on... come on... oh you seem to be getting physical. OK. But come on just try it once, come on...

Security Guard: We apologise for that customers. Please resume shopping. Hey, this is kinda fun.

Guy 2: Wait... he didn’t deny having my loved ones hostage.

Meanwhile, elsewhere.

Guy 2’s mother sits in a chair in a room with no windows.


She resumes sitting in silence.

Cut to: Guy 2 at the shops.

Guy 2: Hmm... Nah, I’m sure my mother’s safe.

Guy 2 hurried out of the shopping centre.

Later, at Guy 2’s house he was setting up his computer. Guy 1 was nowhere to be seen for once. Guy 2 turns it on.

Guy 2: (thoughts) it’s so quiet when he’s not around... Hey, I can even hear my next door neighbour through the walls...

Neighbour: (sobbing) why did she leave me?

Guy 2: (thoughts) Uh... better play some music...

He starts playing Who are You? By The Who and sings along.

Guy 2: (thoughts) he’s probably in custody for that stunt at the shops...

Song: Whoooo are youuuu?

Guy 2 starts wondering about Guy 1. After a while of considering it he opens up Google and types in “private investigator”. He looks through the results and decides to hire one by the name of Bruce Butcher. It seemed manly enough after all.

Guy 2 picks up his phone and calls.

Guy 2: Hello?

Bruce: Yes? What can I do for you?

Guy 2: I’d like to hire you to find out things about my friend...

Bruce: Who is this friend?

Guy 2: I don’t know.

Bruce: (pause) I see. Well then it’ll require a lot of skill on my part...

Guy 2: Well I can give you a photo, or you can just hang outside my house for long enough and you’ll see him. He comes unannounced and he’s never introduced himself. I’d like to know his name, or something about him. Where does he live for one?

Bruce: Well this is a chance of pace from suspicions of jealous lovers. Sure, I’ll stalk your friend for money.

Guy 2: You really phrase it that way? That’s part of your business plan?

Bruce: Are you more comfortable if I lie to you and say it’s something other than that?

Guy 2: I might...

Bruce: Well hire a different PI. I’m here to find things out and get things done.

Guy 2: So... I’ll just... pay you sometime then...

Bruce: Yes. It also helps if I know your address.

Guy 2: Oh right... 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Guy 2: OK. When can you start?

Bruce: I already have.


Guy 2: Well that’s efficient.

Bruce: Yes. I get that a lot.

To be continued.

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