The Investigation Prt 1

Guy 2 walked into the large shopping centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.

Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?

Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come from?

Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...

Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at all.

Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though, because I was never really told... we should ask someone.

Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by grabbing their shoulder.

Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.

The person stared at them, judged them by their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a joke and walked away without saying a word.

Guy 1: That person just doesn’t understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know... French? Because-

Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and movies.

Guy 1: Cool.

Guy 2 walked in the direction of the nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.

Guy 1: I am following you.

Guy 2: I noticed.

Guy 1: I have not much to do today...

Guy 2: What do you do anyway when you’re not around me? Why don’t you just relax at home?

Guy 1: Well my home is a bit far away from here, it takes time to get here so I figured while I’m here I’ll just hang with you.

Guy 2: Oh, goody, me. You still didn’t answer my first question though...

Guy 1: Oh, I didn’t? Well I’m sorry but I told you, I don’t know where babies come from.

Guy 2: No- just- but... never mind.

Guy 1: Ok.

They continue walking onwards in silence.

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: Hmm?

Guy 1: Hmm.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nuh. Hmm.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Now you’re just getting further away. I don’t think you quite understand this game at all.

Guy 2: No... I don’t think I do.

Guy 1: Shops huh?

Guy 2: Yeah. I’m not a big fan of shopping. There are so many people, most of which you don’t know, and some you wish you didn’t know. You can’t walk around large shops without running into at least one person you know from high school or somewhere else.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah. Look, over there, there’s Trent.

Guy 1: HI TRE-

Guy 2: Shh! Don’t talk to him. He apparently has anger issues. Once, he got so mad he punched a towel rack.

Guy 1: Wow.

Guy 2: And over ther- oh dear he spotted me and is coming over.

Guy 1: Who? Who?

Harry: Hey! Haven’t seen you since graduation!

Guy 2: Yeah! Funny that. Well this is Harry, Harry this is...

Guy 2 motioned towards Guy 1. Guy 2 gave Guy 1 a look and nodded towards Harry. Guy 1 nodded slowly. Harry stood there in silence.

Harry: Well...

Harry mimics Guy 2’s head movements towards Guy 1.

Harry: ... it’s been nice meeting you, but I must be off. I should... go... away. I hope you and your boyfriend enjoy the rest of your day.

Guy 2: Oh we’re not...

Harry leaves.

Guy 2: I’m not... WE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUAL! HE’S JUST A FRIEND! A FRIEND WHO INVITES HIMSELF THROUGH MY BACK DOOR UNIVITED!

An elderly lady gasps nearby and whacks Guy 2 across the head with her hand bag.

Elderly Lady: Such language! We’re in public!

She storms off.

Guy 2: Ow! What was that?

Guy 1: Harry. Also, an old lady hit you.

Guy 2: No not that. Why didn’t you introduce yourself?

Guy 1: Why would I do that?

Guy 2: Because of my head nod.

Guy 1: I thought nodding meant “yes”. Have I been lied to all these years? That’s confusing. But that doesn’t make sense; surely other people are also getting this wrong.

Guy 2: Shut up! My head may mean many things!

Guy 1: You should get a little LCD screen on your forehead then. You can just flash people words so they understand what you say. You wouldn’t even need to speak! It’d be so cool! Hey, that store looks like it sells LCD’s let’s go over there.

Guy 2: (sensing that this is a way to get rid of Guy 1) Cool, you go do that. But make sure to get the best LCD’s of many colours, if you have any questions just direct it to that salesman over there.

The salesman saw Guy 2 looking and pointing. The salesman winked and tipped his hand.

Guy 2: Um... yeah. I’m sure talking to him will enlighten you about many things. Kbai!

Guy 2 ran off to find the computer store, hoping that he could then find an exit that didn’t cross Guy 1’s path on his way back. He just wanted to upgrade his computer without Guy 1 looking over his shoulder or even, heaven forbid, touching his computer! It’d probably explode on contact for no apparent reason!

Guy 2 bought the hardware and exited the shop. Suddenly on the loudspeaker boomed an all too familiar voice.

Guy 1: Hi. Hello. He-loooooowww voice my voice is now looowwww and echoey. Hey cool, so that’s what this button does. Attention valuable customers, we have your loved ones hostage. Buy more. Buy more. Hey there! You look important... security guard. Would you like a turn with this microphone? No? Are you sure? It’s lots of fun... come on... come on.... come on... come on.... come on.... come on.... coommmeee ooonnn..... come on.... come on.... give it a go... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on.... come on... just a try... come on... come on... oh you seem to be getting physical. OK. But come on just try it once, come on...

Security Guard: We apologise for that customers. Please resume shopping. Hey, this is kinda fun.

Guy 2: Wait... he didn’t deny having my loved ones hostage.

Meanwhile, elsewhere.

Guy 2’s mother sits in a chair in a room with no windows.

Guy 2’s Mother: (long pause) AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! The laundry hasn’t been done yet!

She resumes sitting in silence.

Cut to: Guy 2 at the shops.

Guy 2: Hmm... Nah, I’m sure my mother’s safe.

Guy 2 hurried out of the shopping centre.

Later, at Guy 2’s house he was setting up his computer. Guy 1 was nowhere to be seen for once. Guy 2 turns it on.

Guy 2: (thoughts) it’s so quiet when he’s not around... Hey, I can even hear my next door neighbour through the walls...

Neighbour: (sobbing) why did she leave me?

Guy 2: (thoughts) Uh... better play some music...

He starts playing Who are You? By The Who and sings along.

Guy 2: (thoughts) he’s probably in custody for that stunt at the shops...

Song: Whoooo are youuuu?

Guy 2 starts wondering about Guy 1. After a while of considering it he opens up Google and types in “private investigator”. He looks through the results and decides to hire one by the name of Bruce Butcher. It seemed manly enough after all.

Guy 2 picks up his phone and calls.

Guy 2: Hello?

Bruce: Yes? What can I do for you?

Guy 2: I’d like to hire you to find out things about my friend...

Bruce: Who is this friend?

Guy 2: I don’t know.

Bruce: (pause) I see. Well then it’ll require a lot of skill on my part...

Guy 2: Well I can give you a photo, or you can just hang outside my house for long enough and you’ll see him. He comes unannounced and he’s never introduced himself. I’d like to know his name, or something about him. Where does he live for one?

Bruce: Well this is a chance of pace from suspicions of jealous lovers. Sure, I’ll stalk your friend for money.

Guy 2: You really phrase it that way? That’s part of your business plan?

Bruce: Are you more comfortable if I lie to you and say it’s something other than that?

Guy 2: I might...

Bruce: Well hire a different PI. I’m here to find things out and get things done.

Guy 2: So... I’ll just... pay you sometime then...

Bruce: Yes. It also helps if I know your address.

Guy 2: Oh right... 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Guy 2: OK. When can you start?

Bruce: I already have.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Well that’s efficient.

Bruce: Yes. I get that a lot.

To be continued.

Crazybilby the Movie 1: 6 hours and Nothing to Do

Introduction time! OK this was written about... a long time ago. I'm sure about two years ago at the very least. It was back when John Howard was still Prime Minister of Australia which to foreign people might not mean anything but pay attention because you have to remember that to realise how exactly this script is slightly outdated. Yes, one of the plot devices is specific to a certain time which isn't really normal for scripts I write. (Hell, we still haven't even determined the age of the characters as of yet) Well it was intended to be a feature length film divided into sections for my youtube channel but never made it so that's why it's called "The Movie" but is technically as long as The Holiday is going to end up as. (I swear I'm going to finish that soon! I've FINALLY graduated from Highschool so I have free time now!) A few references you won't get unless you've seen my old videos but who cares. Not important you'll probably pick them up. Basically this is very "universe" styled... well the cruder version of it. This blog is meant to come to some coherent idea of what this universe should be but I have yet to develop it properly. Anyhoo, basically cameraman has more of a presence in this one and you'll get the whole idea of just how weird her character actually is. We also learn more about Guy 1's true name and how aware they are of the 4th wall. So let's all remember that this was written when I was young and hasn't got the coherent and more refined style and humour of my more recent things. I still laugh at it though because I'm me.

Enjoy!

Oh yeah, plus each one has a name. This one is entitled "6 Hours and Nothing to Do". Some of them have internal references or even obscure pop-references so tell me what they are if you can!

Chapter 1: “6 hours and nothing to do”
Length: 6.5 pages.

Guy 2 is sleeping when all of a sudden a phone rings. He slowly reaches for the phone and picks it up and puts it to his ear before turning it the right way round.

Guy 2: Whoever this is, I just want you to know that I hate you and you are the biggest loser who has ever rung me up.

Guy 1: Hey man! Sorry I didn’t catch that bit was it important?

Guy 2: Ugh… what is it?

Guy 1: Just wanted to know if the party is still on.

Guy 2: Yes! Can I sleep now?

Guy 1: Oh and one more thing.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: When are we going to make another video?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Come on it’s been ages since we made a video for youtube.

Guy 2: That’s because last time we tried making a video you managed to kill my dog, make a feeble attempt to replace it with a cat and then shot my neighbour with a gun! Do you know how hard that is considering that it was a toy gun?

(Pause)

Guy 1: Well not hard enough obviously.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Guy 2 falls back onto the bed.

Guy 2: Goodbye.

Guy 2 hangs up and checks his alarm clock. It says 12:30.

Guy 2: I can’t believe it’s 12:30… I could’ve slept for four more hours!

Guy 2 lies down.

4 hours and 5 minutes later.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch doing nothing. The clock is ticking.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: This everyone?

Guy 2: Looks like it.

Guy 1: I thought you said more people were coming…

Guy 2: They were… until they found out you were coming. Seriously everyone hates you why don’t you realise this?

Guy 1: Oh I have lots of friends… like… her…

Guy 1 points to Girl 1.

Girl 1: Hmm?

Guy 2: You’re really his friend?

Girl 1 nods and Guy 1 turns away. Girl 1 turns to Guy 2 and quickly shakes her arms and mouths the word “no”.

Guy 2: So what are we going to do now?

Guy 1: Dunno. Any suggestions?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 2: How about you cameraman? Got any suggestions?

Cameraman: Your face!

Guy 1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! It’s funny because you have a face!

Cameraman: How ‘bout you shut up?

Guy 1: You’ve changed cameraman… ever since we got a tripod you haven’t been the same…

Cameraman: Yeah well… you suck! Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1 in the face.

Guy 2: Come on we have to think of something to do we can’t just sit here beating this guy up for the next six hours.

Cameraman: Yeah we can.

Guy 1 gets back up and Cameraman punches him again. Guy 1 starts cowering.

Guy 1: Please don’t hurt me! I only wanted a perfect world!

Cameraman: So did Hitler!

Cameraman punches him again.

Guy 2: Cameraman! Save it for where it’s appropriate… gyms, home, football fields and parliament house.

Cameraman: I’m sorry… I wont do it anymore… often…

Guy 2: That’s all I ask…

Guy 1: Well we still need something to do for the next six hours…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1.

Guy 2: So… come here often?

Girl 1 edges away from Guy 2 to get away from him.

Guy 1: Ha ha suck!

Girl 1 looks at Guy 1 and shakes her head slowly.

Cameraman: I think you’re both pathetic. You already have a girlfriend.

Guy 1: Yes but she’s off in Africa trying to liberate the children coal minors from the evil reign of Emperor Mguntu. Everyday I received a bloodstained letter telling me how she’s doing…

Guy 1 looks at the ceiling with a distant look. Girl 1 and Guy 2 look at him and then at each other and shrug. Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face. Guy 1 slowly turns to face Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hm?

Girl 1 opens her mouth and is about to speak when there’s a knock at the door and she turns around and looks at it.

Guy 2: Oh finally someone interesting to talk to!

Guy 1: Hey! What about us?

Guy 2: Well… no offence but you’re the least funny and boring person I’ve ever met and you…

Guy 1 turns to Girl 1 who is looking shocked.

Guy 2: Well… you know…

Guy 2 opens the door and Guy 3 is standing there.

Guy 3: My brother!

Guy 3 holds out his arms and Guy 2 just looks at him.

Guy 2: Uh… do you want something?

Guy 3 just stands there with his arms wide open as if anticipating a hug.

Guy 2: If you want money you’re not getting any.

Guy 3: I want a hug brother.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 3 lowers his arms and Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey wait, why are you calling me brother?

Guy 3: I have come to spread joy to your household.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Have you been taking marijuana again?

Guy 3: No of course not. You know I drink heavily instead.

Guy 2: Strange… you don’t look drunk you haven’t fallen over… yet…

Guy 3: I’m quitting.

Guy 2: Yeah you keep saying that but we don’t believe a word you say after the little incident… you know… the sheep?

Guy 3: I’m not a New Zealander I keep telling you. But that’s OK I forgive you.

Guy 2: Dude seriously what have you been smoking? Because it smells like ham…

Guy 3: That would be the ham I just ate.

Guy 2: You smoke ham? OK whatever floats your boat. Come on in making fun of you, while you’re obviously intoxicated, is going to be fun.

Guy 2 lets Guy 3 in and leads him into the living room. Guy 1 has his hands on Girl 1’s shoulders.

Guy 2: Hey guess who’s here?

Guy 1 quickly takes his hands off Girl 1.

Guy 1: I swear I never touched her below the belt!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: OK whatever. Someone finally came to this boring party and guess what? He’s seriously high or something!

Guy 1: You told me you didn’t have any more marijuana! Not that I uh… need any…

Guy 3: Brothers let us rejoice for it truly is a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Wow you’re right. Nobody who isn’t intoxicated would say something happy like that.

Guy 2: Yeah… OK you shut up now emo.

Guy 1: I’m not emo! I swear I don’t know how those cuts got on my arm!

Guy 2: Sure you don’t.

Cameraman: Yeah remember that day you borrowed my razor? I still haven’t got it back…

Guy 1: I lost it… in a volcano.

Guy 3: Please brothers do not fight.

Cameraman: My cameraman senses are tingling… I’m getting a weird vibe from this guy… he seems different then normal stoned people… don’t you agree?

Girl 1 nods her head quickly.

Guy 2: So why are you so happy?

Guy 1: I thought you were sure it was drugs.

Guy 2 slaps Guy 1 and Guy 1 falls down to the ground.

Guy 2: Never question cameraman’s cameraman sense! It has saved my life once…

Guy 2 turns and looks up at the ceiling. Guy 1 gets up and looks at the ceiling with him and looks confused.

Guy 1: That’s uh… a light… bulb…

Guy 2: Shh I’m having a flashback… nnnnnnnnow.

The screen fades away and becomes blurry and comes back near a road. Guy 2 walks up to the side of the road.

Cameraman: Stop! My cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 2 stops and a car passes.

Guy 2: Gasp! Thankyou cameraman! You’ve saved my life!

Guy 2 gives a thumbs-up and winks at the camera.

Cameraman: Hi-three!

Cameraman holds out her hand and Guy 2 hits his palm against hers.

Cameraman: That was five! Here’s two back!

Cameraman pokes Guy 2’s eyes. Guy 2 falls back and screams.

Cut to: Living room. Guy 1 is snapping his fingers in front of Guy 2’s face.

Guy 1: Hey snap out of it. You’ve been having a flashback for the past ten minutes now and we’re all very bored.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh sorry…

Guy 2 turns around and sees Guy 3 sitting down on the floor. He picks up his hand and lets it drop. Girl 1 is sleeping on the couch.

Guy 2: Aw that’s so cute look at her sleeping… let’s draw stuff on her face.

Guy 1: OK you stay here I’ll get the permanent marker.

To be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1

Sorry for putting The Holiday on hold (don't worry it shall be resolved!) but I've got exams for the next two weeks and have written anything in a while so I guess the hungry masses are starving for entertainment and so I must supply you with something. It's not second rate (well actually it is but I'm lying to you to make you think it's better than it really is) but it does get slightly confusing and delves more into the weird universe of Bilby where the 4th wall is occasionally broken and Cameraman talks more. (But not in this one though) I also wrote it two years ago so keep than in mind. The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1 everyone! Love it dammit! LOVE IT!

Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?

Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.

Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…

Guy 2 turns around.

Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!

Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.

Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.

Guy 2: No you’re not!

Guy 1A: Just let me in!

Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.

Guy 1A: Hello.

Guy 1B: Whoa!

Guy 1A: What are you doing here?

Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?

Guy 1A: I asked you first.

Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.

Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…

Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…

Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?

Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-

Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!

Pause.

Guy 2: OK. So now what?

Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…

Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.

Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.

Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…

Guy 1B: I am you!

Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.

Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!

Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!

Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)

While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.

Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.

Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…

Guy 1A: How many of me are there?

Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…

Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…

Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.

Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!

Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 1

Guy 2 was calmly standing the shower brushing his teeth. He was starting to eye the soap, pretending he had no abnormal fears of this yellow bar of cleanliness, when suddenly Guy 1 opens the shower door.

Guy 1: Hey

Guy 2: WAAA!

Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...

Guy 2: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?

Guy 1: Looking for batteries.

Guy 2: I'm having a shower!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.

Guy 2: GET OUT! GET OUT!

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.

Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!

Guy 1: Thankyou.

Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.

Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?

Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.

Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.

He shivers.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.

Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.

Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.

Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.

Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?

Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.

Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?

Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?

Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!

Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.

Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.

Guy 1: Gafah!

Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!

Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.

Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?

Guy 1: No.

Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.

Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?

Guy 1: They also blew up.

Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?

Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?

Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?

Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!

Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.

Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.

Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.

Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...

Guy 2: You have a list?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.

Guy 2: You did wha-

Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!

Guy 2: Really? Wow!

Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!

Guy 2: Toronto?

Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!

Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?

Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.

Guy 2: Why Chicago?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.

Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.

Guy 2: Yes... it is...

Guy 1: To Google Earth!

Cut to: Guy 2's computer.

Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.

Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?

Guy 1: 42.

Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...

Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.

Guy 2: See? Illinois.

Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.

Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.

Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.

Guy 2 sits there.

Guy 1: Well?

Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...

Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.

Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.

Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.

Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.

Guy 1: Neither does your mum.

Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...

Cut to: The supermarket.

A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....

Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.

Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.

Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.

Guy 1: There. All done.

Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.

Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.

Guy 2: Um... yeah.

Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.

Guy 2: Right.

Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.

Guy 2: I guess so.

Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.

Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?

Guy 1: I already did that.

Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.

Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?

Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.

Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?

Guy 1: What makes you think that?

Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?

Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.

Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?

Guy 1: In an hour.

Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?

Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.

Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...

Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?

Guy 2: Near the phone.

Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.

Person: Hello.

Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.

Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.

Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.

Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.

Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?

Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.

Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.

Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.

Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.

Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.

Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.

Man: OK... Where do you live?

Guy 1: Rhetorical!

Man: Huh?

Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.

Guy 1: Hello.

Man: Hello.

Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?

Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.

Man: OK.

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 1: Hehehe...

Guy 2: What are you laughing at?

Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.

Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.

Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!

Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.

Guy 1: Wha?

Guy 2: Suck.

Guy 1: Dammit...

The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.

To Be Continued...