Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.
Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!
Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…
Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.
Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.
Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…
Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.
Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.
Guy 1: Huh?
Worker 1: We like the band.
Guy 1: Ah.
Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.
Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?
Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.
Worker 1: Oh not you…
Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.
Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?
Worker 1 is looking around.
Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?
Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.
Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?
Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.
Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!
Worker 1: That’s nice.
Worker 3: Ugh…
Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.
Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?
Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?
Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S
Guy 1: Oh forget this.
Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.
Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?
Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.
Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…
Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?
Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.
Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!
Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?
Guy 1: Uh… sure…
Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.
Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…
Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.
Guy 1: Hey…
Guy 2: Hey…
Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?
Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 2: Yeah…
Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?
Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…
Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?
Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.
Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.
Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!
Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.
Cameraman: What was up with that?
Guy 2: I’m not sure…
Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.
Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…
Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.
Worker 1: Gah!
Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.
Guy 2: It’s… you!
Worker 1: No it isn’t!
Guy 1: You know this person?
Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!
Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.
Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?
Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…
Guy 1: That’s… creepy…
Guy 2: You’re telling me…
Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?
Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?
Worker 1: Yes?
Guy 2: No.
Worker 1: Aw. Please?
Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!
Everyone turns to Girl 1.
Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.
Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!
Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!
Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!
Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.
Guy 2: Ow!
Guy 1 gasps.
Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!
Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!
(Pause)
Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!
Girl 1: Scottish!
Guy 1: Same difference.
Girl 1: No it isn’t!
Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…
Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.
Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?
Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!
Everyone stares at Girl 1.
Girl 1: What?
Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.
Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…
Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.
Girl 1: Shut up you!
Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.
Guy 1: Really? OK.
Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.
Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?
Guy 2: Not like that.
Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.
Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.
Girl 1: To the park!
Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.
Guy 1: What’s on the roof?
Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.
Guy 1 looks up.
Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…
Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.
Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?
Worker 3: Sure.
Worker 2 runs in.
Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!
Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.
Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.
Worker 2: Noooooo!
Cut to: The park.
Guy 2: Hey! We found him!
Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.
Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.
Guy 1: Why?
Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.
Guy 1: Make me.
Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.
Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!
Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.
Guy 2: Never do.
Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!
Girl 1: Well you still suck.
Guy 4: Bah! It talks!
Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!
Guy 4: (Scared) OK.
Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.
Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.
Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!
Everyone stops and stares for a moment.
Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.
Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.
Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…
Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?
Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!
Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!
Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!
Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.
Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?
Guy 4: Who do you suggest?
Guy 1: Uh… Him!
Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.
Person: Me!?
Guy 1: Yes!
Guy 2: Yes!
Guy 4: Darn!
Person: OK.
Guy 1: What?
Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.
Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.
Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.
Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!
Everyone laughs.
Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.
Everyone laughs again.
Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!
Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.
Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?
Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.
Guy 1: Dunno.
The Dark Figure approaches them.
Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!
The Dark figure holds up a knife.
Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!
Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!
The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.
Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…
Guy 1: Run!
Everyone screams.
The End.
Showing posts with label crazybilby the movie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazybilby the movie. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
CBM 15: Fatty Bilby
Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
CBM 14: The Evil Sewing Room
Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.
Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!
Guy 1 looks around.
Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.
Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!
Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.
Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.
Worker 1 looks proud.
Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.
Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.
Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…
Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.
Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.
Worker 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?
Guy 2: What?
Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?
Guy 2: No…
Worker 1: Please?
Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.
Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!
Guy 2 gets up and walks away.
Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!
Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.
Worker 1: Nooooooo!
Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.
Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?
Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?
Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!
Guy 1: And issues.
Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?
Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.
Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!
Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!
Worker 1: Exactly.
Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.
Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.
Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…
Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…
Guy 1: Uh…
Worker 1: By we I mean me.
Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.
Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.
Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?
Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.
Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?
Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.
Guy 1: I’m human.
Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.
Guy 1: Scientists?
Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.
Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.
Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.
Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.
Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?
Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.
Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.
Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-
Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?
Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.
Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?
Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.
Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?
Guy 1: I’m not alien.
Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!
Guy 1: That makes no sense.
Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!
Guy 1: You’re strange.
Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.
Guy 1: OK…
Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.
Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.
Worker 1: Good.
Guy 1: No more.
Worker 1: Yes OK.
Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.
Worker 1: OK story time.
Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.
Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.
Guy 1: And what are they telling you?
Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…
Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.
Worker 1: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.
Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.
Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?
Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!
Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.
Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.
Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?
While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.
Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!
Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.
Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.
Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.
Worker 1: It was.
Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.
Worker 1: Yes I did.
Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.
Worker 1: Why thankyou…
Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!
Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.
Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.
Worker 1: Thankyou!
Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.
Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.
Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?
Guy 1 snaps out of it.
Guy 1: Hm?
Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?
Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.
Worker 1 holds up a stick.
Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.
Guy 1: Interesting.
Worker 1: I hit people with it.
Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?
Worker 1: Its name is Steve.
Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?
Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.
Guy 1: I-
Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!
To be continued...
Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!
Guy 1 looks around.
Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.
Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!
Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.
Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.
Worker 1 looks proud.
Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.
Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.
Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…
Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.
Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.
Worker 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?
Guy 2: What?
Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?
Guy 2: No…
Worker 1: Please?
Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.
Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!
Guy 2 gets up and walks away.
Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!
Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.
Worker 1: Nooooooo!
Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.
Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?
Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?
Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!
Guy 1: And issues.
Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?
Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.
Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!
Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!
Worker 1: Exactly.
Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.
Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.
Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…
Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…
Guy 1: Uh…
Worker 1: By we I mean me.
Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.
Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.
Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?
Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.
Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?
Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.
Guy 1: I’m human.
Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.
Guy 1: Scientists?
Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.
Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.
Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.
Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.
Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?
Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.
Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.
Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-
Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?
Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.
Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?
Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.
Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?
Guy 1: I’m not alien.
Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!
Guy 1: That makes no sense.
Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!
Guy 1: You’re strange.
Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.
Guy 1: OK…
Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.
Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.
Worker 1: Good.
Guy 1: No more.
Worker 1: Yes OK.
Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.
Worker 1: OK story time.
Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.
Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.
Guy 1: And what are they telling you?
Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…
Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.
Worker 1: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.
Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.
Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?
Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!
Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.
Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.
Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?
While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.
Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!
Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.
Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.
Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.
Worker 1: It was.
Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.
Worker 1: Yes I did.
Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.
Worker 1: Why thankyou…
Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!
Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.
Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.
Worker 1: Thankyou!
Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.
Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.
Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?
Guy 1 snaps out of it.
Guy 1: Hm?
Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?
Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.
Worker 1 holds up a stick.
Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.
Guy 1: Interesting.
Worker 1: I hit people with it.
Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?
Worker 1: Its name is Steve.
Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?
Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.
Guy 1: I-
Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
CBM 13: Certain Doom! Dooooom!
Authors note: Hey isn't it cool that chapter 13 is called "Certain Doom! Dooooom!"? I think it's cool even though I have no superstitious affiliations with the number 13. I didn't plan that you know. Story time!
Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?
Guy 1 looks up.
Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…
Girl 2: By the way… who are you?
Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…
Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.
Guy 1 looks at his hand.
Guy 1: My hand?
Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.
Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.
Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?
Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.
Girl 2: I see…
Guy 1: Can I get past you now?
Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.
Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?
Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!
Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.
Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?
Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.
Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!
Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.
Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.
Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.
Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.
Worker 1: When did I say that?
Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.
Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!
Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!
Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.
Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.
Worker 1: Just do your job.
Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.
Worker 1: Why are you a llama?
Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.
Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.
Girl 2: Raaarrr!
Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.
Girl 2: Raarr?
Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.
Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone
Girl 2: We meet at last…
Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?
Girl 2: No I expect you to die!
Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Why won’t you die?
Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.
Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?
Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?
Guy 1: No.
Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!
Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.
Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.
Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?
Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.
Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.
Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?
Guy 1: Yes.
Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.
Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!
Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…
The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.
Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.
Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.
Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.
Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.
Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…
Girl 2 takes out her phone again.
Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…
Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?
Girl 2: What is with you and your face?
Worker 1: Huh?
Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.
Worker 1: You mean the shops?
Girl 2: Yes.
Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.
Girl 2: You make no sense.
Worker 1: Stop saying that!
Girl 2: Make me.
Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.
Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!
Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.
Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?
Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.
Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?
Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?
Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!
Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!
Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…
Girl 2: Pie Llama out!
Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.
Worker 1: We meet at last.
Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?
Worker 1: No… but I know you…
Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.
Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.
Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…
Guy 1: Huh?
Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.
To be continued...
Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?
Guy 1 looks up.
Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…
Girl 2: By the way… who are you?
Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…
Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.
Guy 1 looks at his hand.
Guy 1: My hand?
Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.
Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.
Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?
Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.
Girl 2: I see…
Guy 1: Can I get past you now?
Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.
Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?
Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!
Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.
Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?
Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.
Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!
Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.
Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.
Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.
Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.
Worker 1: When did I say that?
Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.
Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!
Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!
Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.
Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.
Worker 1: Just do your job.
Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.
Worker 1: Why are you a llama?
Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.
Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.
Girl 2: Raaarrr!
Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.
Girl 2: Raarr?
Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.
Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone
Girl 2: We meet at last…
Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?
Girl 2: No I expect you to die!
Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Why won’t you die?
Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.
Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?
Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?
Guy 1: No.
Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!
Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.
Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.
Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?
Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.
Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.
Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?
Guy 1: Yes.
Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.
Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!
Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…
The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.
Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.
Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.
Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.
Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.
Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…
Girl 2 takes out her phone again.
Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…
Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?
Girl 2: What is with you and your face?
Worker 1: Huh?
Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.
Worker 1: You mean the shops?
Girl 2: Yes.
Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.
Girl 2: You make no sense.
Worker 1: Stop saying that!
Girl 2: Make me.
Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.
Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!
Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.
Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?
Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.
Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?
Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?
Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!
Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!
Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…
Girl 2: Pie Llama out!
Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.
Worker 1: We meet at last.
Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?
Worker 1: No… but I know you…
Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.
Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.
Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…
Guy 1: Huh?
Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.
To be continued...
Sunday, December 20, 2009
CBM 12: The Muppet Show
Guy 1 is holding a phone.
Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: Who was that?
Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?
Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?
Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…
Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?
Guy 2: Oh you’re here.
Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!
Guy 1: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Are you high?
(Pause)
Cameraman: Uh… no…
Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?
Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…
Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.
(Pause)
Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.
Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.
(Pause)
Everyone starts laughing.
Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.
Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…
Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?
(Pause)
Guy 1: I like that idea.
Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?
Guy 1: Huh?
Cameraman: Nothing…
Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.
Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?
Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…
Cameraman: So never technically.
Guy 1: Aww…
Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?
Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.
Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.
Guy 1: And you never will.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Nothing.
Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?
Guy 1: Where we started?
Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?
Guy 1: How is that where we started?
Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?
Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?
Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 2: On drugs.
Guy 1: What?
Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!
Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!
Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!
Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…
Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?
Guy 2 giggles.
Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.
Guy 1: Turn it off!
Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…
The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.
Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.
Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!
Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!
Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.
Guy 1 holds up his hand.
Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.
Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.
Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…
Guy 1: Good.
Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.
Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!
Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!
Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!
Cameraman: Next Saturday.
Guy 2: I’ll see you there.
Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.
Guy 2: Mine all expired.
Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…
Guy 1: No…
Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!
Cameraman punches Guy 1.
Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.
Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!
Guy 2: And I agree with her.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.
Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?
(Pause)
Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: Who was that?
Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?
Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?
Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…
Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?
Guy 2: Oh you’re here.
Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!
Guy 1: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Are you high?
(Pause)
Cameraman: Uh… no…
Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?
Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…
Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.
(Pause)
Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.
Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.
(Pause)
Everyone starts laughing.
Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.
Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…
Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?
(Pause)
Guy 1: I like that idea.
Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?
Guy 1: Huh?
Cameraman: Nothing…
Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.
Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?
Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…
Cameraman: So never technically.
Guy 1: Aww…
Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?
Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.
Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.
Guy 1: And you never will.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Nothing.
Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?
Guy 1: Where we started?
Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?
Guy 1: How is that where we started?
Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?
Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?
Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…
Guy 1: Oh good.
Guy 2: On drugs.
Guy 1: What?
Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!
Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!
Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!
Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!
Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…
Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?
Guy 2 giggles.
Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.
Guy 1: Turn it off!
Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…
The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.
Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.
Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!
Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!
Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.
Guy 1 holds up his hand.
Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.
Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.
Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…
Guy 1: Good.
Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.
Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!
Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!
Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!
Cameraman: Next Saturday.
Guy 2: I’ll see you there.
Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.
Guy 2: Mine all expired.
Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…
Guy 1: No…
Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!
Cameraman punches Guy 1.
Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.
Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!
Guy 2: And I agree with her.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.
Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?
(Pause)
Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.
To be continued...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
CBM 11: Santa Claus is Real
Guy 4: OK and you can just be called Dark Phoenix because… yeah I can’t be bothered coming with anything and it’s the name on my watch.
Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.
Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…
Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?
Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.
Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!
Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.
Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?
Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!
Guy 4: A bad way?
Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?
Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.
Guy 1: Potatoes…
Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.
Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…
Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.
(Pause)
Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.
Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…
Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?
Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.
Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 3: What he said.
Guy 5: What he said.
Guy 3: Hey wait…
Guy 5: Hey wait…
Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 3: I think you are…
Guy 5: I think you are…
Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…
Guy 5 starts waving.
Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!
Guy 5: I did.
Guy 5 continues to wave.
Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!
Guy 3: Cage of torture?
Guy 5: Cage of torture?
Guy 3: I kill you!
Guy 5: I kill you!
Guy 4: You two!
Guy 5: Uh oh…
Guy 3: He started it!
Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!
Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?
Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?
Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!
Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!
Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.
Cameraman: Aww…
Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.
Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!
Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?
Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!
Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.
Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…
Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.
Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…
The camera shows Guy 4.
Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!
Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!
Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.
Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!
Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.
Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?
Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yes.
Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 1: No food afterwards?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.
Guy 1: But I’m hungry…
Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!
Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….
Guy 1: Mmm… meat…
Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.
Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?
Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.
Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.
Guy 2: Whatever you say…
Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.
An elf walks through the door.
Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.
Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!
Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.
Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!
The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2 shivers.
Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…
Cameraman: Huh?
Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…
Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.
Cameraman: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.
Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.
Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.
Cameraman: So… bored?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.
Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.
Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.
Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.
(Long pause)
Cameraman: Am I pretty?
Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.
Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?
Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.
Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?
Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.
Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…
Cameraman looks around the room.
Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…
(Pause)
Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?
Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.
Guy 2: What’s going on?
Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…
Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?
Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.
Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Guy 2: You’re evil
Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.
Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.
Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?
Guy 2: Oh sorry.
Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.
To be continued...
Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.
Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…
Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?
Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.
Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!
Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.
Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?
Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!
Guy 4: A bad way?
Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?
Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.
Guy 1: Potatoes…
Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.
Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…
Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.
(Pause)
Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.
Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…
Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?
Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.
Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.
Guy 3: What he said.
Guy 5: What he said.
Guy 3: Hey wait…
Guy 5: Hey wait…
Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?
Guy 3: I think you are…
Guy 5: I think you are…
Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…
Guy 5 starts waving.
Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!
Guy 5: I did.
Guy 5 continues to wave.
Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!
Guy 3: Cage of torture?
Guy 5: Cage of torture?
Guy 3: I kill you!
Guy 5: I kill you!
Guy 4: You two!
Guy 5: Uh oh…
Guy 3: He started it!
Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!
Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?
Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?
Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!
Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!
Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.
Cameraman: Aww…
Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.
Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!
Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?
Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!
Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.
Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…
Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.
Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…
The camera shows Guy 4.
Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!
Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!
Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.
Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!
Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.
Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!
Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.
Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?
Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yes.
Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 1: No food afterwards?
Guy 4: Nope.
Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.
Guy 1: But I’m hungry…
Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!
Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….
Guy 1: Mmm… meat…
Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.
Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?
Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.
Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.
Guy 2: Whatever you say…
Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.
An elf walks through the door.
Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.
Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!
Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.
Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!
The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2 shivers.
Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…
Cameraman: Huh?
Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…
Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.
Cameraman: Uh huh…
Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.
Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.
Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.
Cameraman: So… bored?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.
Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.
Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.
Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.
(Long pause)
Cameraman: Am I pretty?
Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.
Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?
Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.
Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?
Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.
Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…
Cameraman looks around the room.
Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…
(Pause)
Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?
Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.
Guy 2: What’s going on?
Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…
Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?
Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.
Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Guy 2: You’re evil
Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.
Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.
Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?
Guy 2: Oh sorry.
Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.
To be continued...
Monday, November 30, 2009
CBM 10: A Curse on your Family and your Goat
Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.
Guy 1: Can I have one?
Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.
Guy 1: Please?
Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.
Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?
Girl 1 nods and eats another.
Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…
There’s a knock at the door.
Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!
Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.
Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?
Guy 1: Waiting for you…
Guy 2: How’d you get in?
Guy 1: Through the door…
Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.
Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?
Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…
Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.
Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?
Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.
Guy 2: Fank-oo.
Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.
Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!
Guy 2: What isn’t?
Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?
Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.
Guy 1: Oh yeah.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.
Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: Uh… hello?
Guy 1: Yes hello.
Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-
Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.
Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…
Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.
Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.
Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.
Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?
Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…
Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…
Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…
(Pause)
Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.
Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.
Guy 2: I’d assume so…
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?
Guy 1 puts his hand up.
Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!
Guy 2: Anyone else?
Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.
Guy 2: Yes?
Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…
Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!
Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.
Guy 1: Who is it?
Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.
Guy 4: Ahem!
Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.
Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…
Guy 4: Uh… OK…
Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.
Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…
Everyone looks at Guy 3.
Guy 1: Lame!
Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 3: Prove it!
Guy 1: OK I will.
Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.
Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!
Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.
Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!
Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…
Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.
Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!
Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.
Guy 4: Ha!
Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?
Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?
Guy 3: About ten bucks.
Guy 4: You’re on.
Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!
Guy 1: Oh good.
Girl 1 yanks it again.
Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?
Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.
Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!
Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?
Guy 4: No…
Guy 5: Are you sure?
Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!
Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!
Guy 4: Please stop doing that.
Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.
Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.
Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.
Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…
Guy 3: Huh?
Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.
Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.
Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?
Guy 4 sighs.
Guy 4: OK fine.
Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: Really?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: I see…
Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?
Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.
Guy 2: Why not?
Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.
Guy 2 pauses and thinks.
Guy 2: Wait… huh?
Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.
Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.
Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?
Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.
Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!
Guy 4: I’m not telling you.
Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…
Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!
Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.
Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!
(Pause)
Guy 2: Yes you do.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Can I have one?
Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.
Guy 1: Please?
Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.
Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?
Girl 1 nods and eats another.
Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…
There’s a knock at the door.
Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!
Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.
Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?
Guy 1: Waiting for you…
Guy 2: How’d you get in?
Guy 1: Through the door…
Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.
Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?
Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…
Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.
Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?
Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.
Guy 2: Fank-oo.
Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.
Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!
Guy 2: What isn’t?
Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?
Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.
Guy 1: Oh yeah.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.
Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: Uh… hello?
Guy 1: Yes hello.
Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-
Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.
Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…
Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.
Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.
Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.
Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?
Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…
Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…
Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…
(Pause)
Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.
Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.
Guy 2: I’d assume so…
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?
Guy 1 puts his hand up.
Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!
Guy 2: Anyone else?
Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.
Guy 2: Yes?
Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…
Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!
Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.
Guy 1: Who is it?
Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.
Guy 4: Ahem!
Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.
Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…
Guy 4: Uh… OK…
Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.
Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…
Everyone looks at Guy 3.
Guy 1: Lame!
Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 3: Prove it!
Guy 1: OK I will.
Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.
Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!
Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.
Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!
Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…
Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.
Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!
Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.
Guy 4: Ha!
Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?
Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?
Guy 3: About ten bucks.
Guy 4: You’re on.
Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!
Guy 1: Oh good.
Girl 1 yanks it again.
Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?
Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.
Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!
Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?
Guy 4: No…
Guy 5: Are you sure?
Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!
Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!
Guy 4: Please stop doing that.
Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.
Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.
Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.
Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…
Guy 3: Huh?
Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.
Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.
Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?
Guy 4 sighs.
Guy 4: OK fine.
Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: Really?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: I see…
Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?
Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.
Guy 2: Why not?
Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.
Guy 2 pauses and thinks.
Guy 2: Wait… huh?
Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.
Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.
Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?
Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.
Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!
Guy 4: I’m not telling you.
Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…
Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!
Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.
Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!
(Pause)
Guy 2: Yes you do.
To be continued...
Saturday, November 28, 2009
CBM 9: Return of the Pizza Guy
The Pizza Guy walks up to the door and knocks.
Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.
Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?
Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…
Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.
Guy 2: Now!
Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.
Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!
Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.
Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!
Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.
Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?
Guy 1 gets up.
Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.
Guy 2 chortles.
Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.
Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.
Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…
Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?
Guy 2: Make me.
Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.
Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…
Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?
Worker 1: Uh… no…?
Worker 2: Never mind then.
Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.
Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?
Worker 2: Name?
Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?
Worker 2: Meh who cares?
Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.
Worker 2: Shut up.
Worker 3: Make me!
Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.
Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!
Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!
Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.
Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!
Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?
Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.
Worker 4 looks sad.
Worker 4: I am who I am!
Worker 4 turns away and cries.
Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!
Worker 3: Make me!
Worker 1: Why I ortta-
Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.
Worker 2: Now who could that be?
Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-
Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.
Girl 2: Hey!
Worker 1: Hey.
Worker 2: Hey.
Worker 3: Hey.
Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…
Worker 4 goes back to crying.
Girl 2: What’s up with…?
Girl 2 points.
Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.
Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.
Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!
Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!
Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!
Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.
Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.
Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?
Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?
Girl 2: Because your face asked.
Worker 1: That makes no sense.
Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!
Cameraman: Oh burn!
Worker 1: Quiet you.
Cameraman: You want to make me?
Worker 1: No… not really.
Cameraman: Thought so…
Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?
Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.
(Pause)
Girl 2: Go on…
Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.
(Pause)
Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?
Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.
Worker 1 puts their pinky down.
Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.
Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!
Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!
Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!
Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?
Girl 2: Yes!
Worker 2 and 3: Yes!
Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…
Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.
Worker 1: So how about it?
Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?
Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.
Girl 2: All of the wall?
Worker 1: Yes… all of it.
Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.
Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.
Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?
Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…
Girl 2: Yes! Score!
Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.
Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.
Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!
Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?
Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.
Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.
Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?
Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…
(Pause)
Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.
Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!
Worker 3: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…
To be continued...
Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.
Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?
Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…
Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.
Guy 2: Now!
Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.
Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!
Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.
Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!
Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.
Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?
Guy 1 gets up.
Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.
Guy 2 chortles.
Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.
Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.
Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…
Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?
Guy 2: Make me.
Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.
Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…
Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?
Worker 1: Uh… no…?
Worker 2: Never mind then.
Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.
Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?
Worker 2: Name?
Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?
Worker 2: Meh who cares?
Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.
Worker 2: Shut up.
Worker 3: Make me!
Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.
Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!
Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!
Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.
Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!
Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?
Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.
Worker 4 looks sad.
Worker 4: I am who I am!
Worker 4 turns away and cries.
Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!
Worker 3: Make me!
Worker 1: Why I ortta-
Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.
Worker 2: Now who could that be?
Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-
Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.
Girl 2: Hey!
Worker 1: Hey.
Worker 2: Hey.
Worker 3: Hey.
Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…
Worker 4 goes back to crying.
Girl 2: What’s up with…?
Girl 2 points.
Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.
Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.
Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!
Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!
Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!
Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.
Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.
Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?
Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?
Girl 2: Because your face asked.
Worker 1: That makes no sense.
Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!
Cameraman: Oh burn!
Worker 1: Quiet you.
Cameraman: You want to make me?
Worker 1: No… not really.
Cameraman: Thought so…
Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?
Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.
(Pause)
Girl 2: Go on…
Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.
(Pause)
Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?
Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.
Worker 1 puts their pinky down.
Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.
Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!
Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!
Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!
Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?
Girl 2: Yes!
Worker 2 and 3: Yes!
Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…
Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.
Worker 1: So how about it?
Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?
Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.
Girl 2: All of the wall?
Worker 1: Yes… all of it.
Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.
Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.
Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?
Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…
Girl 2: Yes! Score!
Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.
Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.
Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!
Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?
Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.
Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.
Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?
Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…
(Pause)
Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.
Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!
Worker 3: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…
To be continued...
Thursday, November 26, 2009
CBM 8: Light Switch... Light... Switch
Guy 1: So how long until that annoying pizza guy comes?
Guy 2: In a while.
Guy 2 looks at his watch.
Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.
Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…
Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?
Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?
Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.
Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?
Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.
Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.
Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!
Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?
Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!
Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.
Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?
Cameraman: OK!
Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.
Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?
Guy 2: Sure why not?
The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.
Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.
Guy 4: Ahem… down here.
Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.
Guy 2: Oh… come on in…
Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.
Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!
Guy 2: No stop!
Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.
Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…
Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.
Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!
Guy 1: Huh?
Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.
Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.
Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!
Guy 1: You!?
Guy 4: Yes!
(Pause)
Guy 1 bursts out laughing.
Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!
Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!
Guy 1: And you sound like one!
Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!
Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?
Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?
Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.
Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?
Guy 2: A selfish one.
Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.
Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?
The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.
Mother: Hello and where are you from?
Guy 4: England.
Mother stands up.
Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.
She shows him to the nearest light switch.
Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.
Guy 2: Mum…
Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…
Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.
Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.
Guy 2: Mum!
Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.
Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!
Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?
Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!
Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.
The Mother walks away.
Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?
Guy 1: Slightly!?
Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.
Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.
Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!
Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…
Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?
Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.
Guy 2: SAC.
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.
Guy 4: What does it stand for?
Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.
Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.
Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!
Guy 4 nods.
Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?
Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…
Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…
Guy 1: Huh?
Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?
Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…
Guy 4: O… K…
Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…
Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.
Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?
Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…
Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.
Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.
Guy 1: Wow…
Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.
Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.
Guy 2 puts down the gun.
Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.
Guy 1: Dude…
Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.
The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.
Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…
Guy 2: Oh you remember now!
Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?
Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?
(Pause)
Guy 1: No.
Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.
Guy 1: Who?
To be continued...
Guy 2: In a while.
Guy 2 looks at his watch.
Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.
Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…
Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?
Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?
Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.
Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?
Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.
Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.
Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!
Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?
Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!
Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.
Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?
Cameraman: OK!
Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.
Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?
Guy 2: Sure why not?
The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.
Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.
Guy 4: Ahem… down here.
Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.
Guy 2: Oh… come on in…
Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.
Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!
Guy 2: No stop!
Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.
Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…
Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.
Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!
Guy 1: Huh?
Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.
Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.
Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!
Guy 1: You!?
Guy 4: Yes!
(Pause)
Guy 1 bursts out laughing.
Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!
Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!
Guy 1: And you sound like one!
Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!
Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?
Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?
Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.
Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?
Guy 2: A selfish one.
Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.
Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?
The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.
Mother: Hello and where are you from?
Guy 4: England.
Mother stands up.
Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.
She shows him to the nearest light switch.
Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.
Guy 2: Mum…
Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…
Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.
Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.
Guy 2: Mum!
Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.
Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!
Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?
Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!
Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.
The Mother walks away.
Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?
Guy 1: Slightly!?
Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.
Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.
Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!
Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…
Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?
Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.
Guy 2: SAC.
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.
Guy 4: What does it stand for?
Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.
Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.
Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!
Guy 4 nods.
Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?
Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…
Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…
Guy 1: Huh?
Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?
Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…
Guy 4: O… K…
Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…
Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.
Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?
Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…
Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.
Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.
Guy 1: Wow…
Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.
Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.
Guy 2 puts down the gun.
Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.
Guy 1: Dude…
Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.
The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.
Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…
Guy 2: Oh you remember now!
Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?
Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?
(Pause)
Guy 1: No.
Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.
Guy 1: Who?
To be continued...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
CBM 7: Sesame Street
Cut to: Guy 1 walking down the path next to the shops.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
CBM 6: The 1967 Film
Guy 2: OK can we all stop talking about my weight?
Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!
Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?
Cameraman: School.
Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…
Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?
Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?
Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…
Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.
Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?
Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?
Guy 4: Fascinating…
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?
Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?
Guy 2: What game are you playing?
Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!
Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?
Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!
Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.
Guy 1: But-
Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.
Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.
Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.
Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!
Guy 4: Get over it.
Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.
Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…
Guy 2: Too much information.
Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 3: Gah!
Guy 4: Come on lets go.
Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.
Guy 4: I command you to come.
Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.
Guy 2 turns to everyone else.
Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?
Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?
Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.
Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.
Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?
Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.
Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!
Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.
Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.
Guy 2 hits himself on the head.
Guy 2: Ugh…
Meanwhile…
A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.
Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!
Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.
Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-
Worker 2: To reveal the killer!
Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…
Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.
Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…
Worker 2 puts up his hand.
Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?
Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…
Worker 2: Oh…
Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.
Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
Worker 5: That’s a good one!
Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.
Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.
Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.
Worker 4: No once cares what you think.
Worker 5: My mum does…
Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.
Everyone gasps including Worker 1.
Worker 3: Why did you gasp?
Worker 1: I don’t know.
Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?
Worker 1: What do you mean?
Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?
Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.
Worker 1: I see… the TV…
Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.
Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.
Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.
Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?
Worker 2: Oh nothing…
Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.
Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.
Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.
Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?
Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?
Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…
Worker 2: My point exactly.
Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…
Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.
Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?
Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.
They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.
Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?
Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.
To be continued...
Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!
Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?
Cameraman: School.
Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…
Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?
Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?
Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…
Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.
Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?
Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?
Guy 4: Fascinating…
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?
Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.
Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?
Guy 2: What game are you playing?
Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!
Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?
Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!
Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.
Guy 1: But-
Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.
Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.
Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.
Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!
Guy 4: Get over it.
Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.
Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…
Guy 2: Too much information.
Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 3: Gah!
Guy 4: Come on lets go.
Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.
Guy 4: I command you to come.
Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.
Guy 2 turns to everyone else.
Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?
Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?
Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.
Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.
Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?
Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.
Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!
Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.
Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.
Guy 2 hits himself on the head.
Guy 2: Ugh…
Meanwhile…
A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.
Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!
Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.
Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-
Worker 2: To reveal the killer!
Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…
Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.
Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…
Worker 2 puts up his hand.
Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?
Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…
Worker 2: Oh…
Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.
Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
Worker 5: That’s a good one!
Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.
Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.
Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.
Worker 4: No once cares what you think.
Worker 5: My mum does…
Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.
Everyone gasps including Worker 1.
Worker 3: Why did you gasp?
Worker 1: I don’t know.
Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?
Worker 1: What do you mean?
Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?
Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.
Worker 1: I see… the TV…
Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.
Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.
Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.
Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?
Worker 2: Oh nothing…
Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.
Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!
Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.
Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.
Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?
Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?
Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…
Worker 2: My point exactly.
Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…
Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.
Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?
Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.
They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.
Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?
Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.
To be continued...
Friday, November 20, 2009
CBM 5: The Very Interesting Wall
Guy 1: Answer me or I’ll kick you in the head you little midget!
Guy 4 puts his hand on Girl 1’s shoulder.
Guy 4: If you ever feel like people are ignoring you just call me.
Girl 1 slowly grabs his hand and brushes it off her shoulder. She gives him a toothless smile and shakes her head.
Guy 4: O… K…
Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 4: Sorry were you saying something?
Guy 1: We’re not members of the secret society yet?
Guy 4: Yes… you’re not part of the…
Guy 4 leans forward and looks side to side. Guy 1 looks around confused.
Guy 4: Secret society yet.
Guy 1: Why does everyone keep looking in random directions?
Guy 3: I can answer that… it all started…
Guy 3 turns around and faces the wall with a distance look on his face.
Guy 3: Many years ago…
Guy 1: Oh no! I’m not having another flashback! They’re boring, stupid and distracts the viewer from the total lack of plot so get back to the part about us not being members and stop looking at the wall!
Guy 3: But I’m so happy when I look at walls…
Guy 1: OK fine he can stare at the wall while we talk.
Guy 5: Oh can I stare at the wall too?
Guy 1: Uh… why are you asking me?
Guy 5 shrugs and goes over to the wall with Guy 3.
Guy 5: So… it’s a wall…
Guy 3: Yeah… pretty cool wall?
Guy 5: Are you gay?
Guy 3 looks at him confused.
Guy 3: What?
Guy 5: Ha ha I made you stop looking at the wall.
Guy 3: You are so annoying you know that?
Guy 5 nods.
Guy 4: Yes like I said you’re not part of this…
Guy 1: If you look around the room I’m going to kill you.
Guy 4: Secret… society… yet because you have not gone through… the initiation!
Guy 3 and 5 turn around and go “duh duh duuuhhhh!” before turning back to the wall. Guy 1 looks at them strangely and shakes his head and goes back to looking at Guy 4.
Guy 1: O… K… so…
Guy 2: That was odd.
Guy 1: Yes it was. Thanks for interrupting me.
Guy 2: You’re welcome.
Guy 1: Anyway… initiation… is this going to involve any paddles?
Guy 4: No…
Guy 1: You promise?
Guy 4: Yes! I promise there will be no flamboyantly homosexual spanking with paddles of any kind…
Guy 1: Oh thank goodness… I remember the last time I was initiated into something…
Guy 2 and Girl 1 edge away from Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah like I was saying… why should we go through an initiation just for this secret society?
Guy 4: Because I have magic powers and can make it appear like there’s two of me.
Guy 4 walks up next to Guy 4. The clones look at each other up and down and smile.
Guy 4: Wow… I’m pretty good looking…
Guy 4 clicks his hands and points to his clone and vice-versa.
Guy 4: Ehhhh!
Guy 4 puts his hands up to his mouth in the shape of a phone and mouths the words “call me” as the clone walks away.
Guy 1: Interesting…
Guy 2: Wow… to the untrained eye that would’ve looked like a cheap camera trick but it was really actually amazing.
Guy 1: I agree… although that was a bit disturbing…
Guy 2: Quite.
Guy 1: Indeed.
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: So…
Guy 2: Yeah…
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Shut up!
Guy 1: OK.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: You shut up too!
Guy 2: Sorry.
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Will you stop talking in one-worded sentences before I kill you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: Maybe.
Guy 2: Depends.
Guy 4: OK you two stop talking lets hear from her for a minute shall we?
Guy 4 points to Girl 1. Everyone stares at her and she looks around with her eyes. She looks up as if trying to think and there’s a long pause as everyone continues staring at her. She then opens her mouth and raises a finger as if about to speak.
Guy 1: Nah this is boring let’s get back to the initiation business.
Guy 2: I agree.
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Girl 1 looks shocked and her mouth is wide open. She hits Guy 1 and then crosses her arms and looks straight ahead.
Guy 1: Ow.
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: Indeed.
Guy 4: If you keep this up you’re not getting in.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Guy 4: OK to get through the initiation you must do a series of ridiculously stupid and retarded tasks to make sure you’re absolutely set on being part of the society and to also maintain your insanity excuse.
Cameraman: Oh yeah!
Cameraman Hi-fives Guy 2 then Guy 1 then goes to Girl 1. She’s still sitting with her arms crossed. She looks at the hand and sighs. She Hi-fives cameraman unenthusiastically and goes back to crossing her arms.
Guy 4: Yes… the following tasks are as such… remember that they are truly moronic and anyone who does these without trying to get into a secret society is a moron… first you must search for aliens in plain sight.
Guy 1 looks uncomfortable.
Guy 4: You must tell everyone the world is ending… you must constantly hang up on telemarketers in ridiculously stupid ways in an attempt to make people laugh, which you will always fail at, you must also beat your teddy bear up with a plastic sword and post it on the internet.
As Guy 4 says these things a short clip of these happening is played between them.
Guy 1: O… K… if we’ve already done these things do we need to do them… again? You know because a friend of mine wants to know.
Guy 4: Your friend is a loser… and yes… you do…
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 1 breathes out loudly.
Guy 1: Again? Hmm… o… k… I guess I could… do them again… you know… if it for… you know… a secret society… I guess…
(Long Pause)
Guy 2: Indeed.
Cameraman: Well there’s no way I’m doing those things! I wasn’t even there when they did any of those things!
Guy 4: Yes, well don’t worry girls have a different initiation process.
Guy 2: What?
Guy 4: Yes… because girls are better than you…
Cameraman: I like this already!
Guy 4: It’s also necessary for me to have all the numbers of people in the secret society…
Cameraman: Keep dreaming.
Guy 2: So how’s theirs different to ours?
Guy 4: They basically have to make a pyramid out of cards.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yeah…
Guy 2: What about equal treatment to men and women?
Guy 4: Yeah we don’t believe in that… I mean seriously it’s obvious that she’s better than you in everyway except for being fat.
Cameraman: Oh burn!
Guy 2: Hey I’m comfortable with the way I look why can’t the rest of the world be?
Cameraman: Because you ate the rest of the world because you’re really fat because you ate lots of people!
Guy 2: Hey I did not- wait… well… define lots…
Cameraman: Make me.
Guy 2: Do small children count?
Cameraman: We’re changing the subject before you get even less dignity.
Guy 2: What dignity? I don’t have any the day I met this guy.
Guy 2 points to Guy 1.
Guy 1: Hey!
Cameraman: Well… you’ll have negative dignity! Oh! Take that!
Guy 3: Hey guess what? The plots developing really slowly!
Guy 2: Hey guess what? Shut up!
Guy 3: That was a bad come back.
Guy 2: You’re mum’s a bad come back.
Guy 3: I don’t even know why I looked away from the wall in the first place…
Guy 3 turns back to the wall only Guy 5 is in the way.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 5 waves.
Guy 3: Oh… now I remember.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 5 continues waving.
To be continued...
Guy 4 puts his hand on Girl 1’s shoulder.
Guy 4: If you ever feel like people are ignoring you just call me.
Girl 1 slowly grabs his hand and brushes it off her shoulder. She gives him a toothless smile and shakes her head.
Guy 4: O… K…
Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 4: Sorry were you saying something?
Guy 1: We’re not members of the secret society yet?
Guy 4: Yes… you’re not part of the…
Guy 4 leans forward and looks side to side. Guy 1 looks around confused.
Guy 4: Secret society yet.
Guy 1: Why does everyone keep looking in random directions?
Guy 3: I can answer that… it all started…
Guy 3 turns around and faces the wall with a distance look on his face.
Guy 3: Many years ago…
Guy 1: Oh no! I’m not having another flashback! They’re boring, stupid and distracts the viewer from the total lack of plot so get back to the part about us not being members and stop looking at the wall!
Guy 3: But I’m so happy when I look at walls…
Guy 1: OK fine he can stare at the wall while we talk.
Guy 5: Oh can I stare at the wall too?
Guy 1: Uh… why are you asking me?
Guy 5 shrugs and goes over to the wall with Guy 3.
Guy 5: So… it’s a wall…
Guy 3: Yeah… pretty cool wall?
Guy 5: Are you gay?
Guy 3 looks at him confused.
Guy 3: What?
Guy 5: Ha ha I made you stop looking at the wall.
Guy 3: You are so annoying you know that?
Guy 5 nods.
Guy 4: Yes like I said you’re not part of this…
Guy 1: If you look around the room I’m going to kill you.
Guy 4: Secret… society… yet because you have not gone through… the initiation!
Guy 3 and 5 turn around and go “duh duh duuuhhhh!” before turning back to the wall. Guy 1 looks at them strangely and shakes his head and goes back to looking at Guy 4.
Guy 1: O… K… so…
Guy 2: That was odd.
Guy 1: Yes it was. Thanks for interrupting me.
Guy 2: You’re welcome.
Guy 1: Anyway… initiation… is this going to involve any paddles?
Guy 4: No…
Guy 1: You promise?
Guy 4: Yes! I promise there will be no flamboyantly homosexual spanking with paddles of any kind…
Guy 1: Oh thank goodness… I remember the last time I was initiated into something…
Guy 2 and Girl 1 edge away from Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah like I was saying… why should we go through an initiation just for this secret society?
Guy 4: Because I have magic powers and can make it appear like there’s two of me.
Guy 4 walks up next to Guy 4. The clones look at each other up and down and smile.
Guy 4: Wow… I’m pretty good looking…
Guy 4 clicks his hands and points to his clone and vice-versa.
Guy 4: Ehhhh!
Guy 4 puts his hands up to his mouth in the shape of a phone and mouths the words “call me” as the clone walks away.
Guy 1: Interesting…
Guy 2: Wow… to the untrained eye that would’ve looked like a cheap camera trick but it was really actually amazing.
Guy 1: I agree… although that was a bit disturbing…
Guy 2: Quite.
Guy 1: Indeed.
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: So…
Guy 2: Yeah…
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Shut up!
Guy 1: OK.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: You shut up too!
Guy 2: Sorry.
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 4: Will you stop talking in one-worded sentences before I kill you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: Maybe.
Guy 2: Depends.
Guy 4: OK you two stop talking lets hear from her for a minute shall we?
Guy 4 points to Girl 1. Everyone stares at her and she looks around with her eyes. She looks up as if trying to think and there’s a long pause as everyone continues staring at her. She then opens her mouth and raises a finger as if about to speak.
Guy 1: Nah this is boring let’s get back to the initiation business.
Guy 2: I agree.
Guy 1: Quite.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Girl 1 looks shocked and her mouth is wide open. She hits Guy 1 and then crosses her arms and looks straight ahead.
Guy 1: Ow.
Guy 2: Yes.
Guy 1: Indeed.
Guy 4: If you keep this up you’re not getting in.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Guy 4: OK to get through the initiation you must do a series of ridiculously stupid and retarded tasks to make sure you’re absolutely set on being part of the society and to also maintain your insanity excuse.
Cameraman: Oh yeah!
Cameraman Hi-fives Guy 2 then Guy 1 then goes to Girl 1. She’s still sitting with her arms crossed. She looks at the hand and sighs. She Hi-fives cameraman unenthusiastically and goes back to crossing her arms.
Guy 4: Yes… the following tasks are as such… remember that they are truly moronic and anyone who does these without trying to get into a secret society is a moron… first you must search for aliens in plain sight.
Guy 1 looks uncomfortable.
Guy 4: You must tell everyone the world is ending… you must constantly hang up on telemarketers in ridiculously stupid ways in an attempt to make people laugh, which you will always fail at, you must also beat your teddy bear up with a plastic sword and post it on the internet.
As Guy 4 says these things a short clip of these happening is played between them.
Guy 1: O… K… if we’ve already done these things do we need to do them… again? You know because a friend of mine wants to know.
Guy 4: Your friend is a loser… and yes… you do…
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 1 breathes out loudly.
Guy 1: Again? Hmm… o… k… I guess I could… do them again… you know… if it for… you know… a secret society… I guess…
(Long Pause)
Guy 2: Indeed.
Cameraman: Well there’s no way I’m doing those things! I wasn’t even there when they did any of those things!
Guy 4: Yes, well don’t worry girls have a different initiation process.
Guy 2: What?
Guy 4: Yes… because girls are better than you…
Cameraman: I like this already!
Guy 4: It’s also necessary for me to have all the numbers of people in the secret society…
Cameraman: Keep dreaming.
Guy 2: So how’s theirs different to ours?
Guy 4: They basically have to make a pyramid out of cards.
Guy 2: That’s it?
Guy 4: Yeah…
Guy 2: What about equal treatment to men and women?
Guy 4: Yeah we don’t believe in that… I mean seriously it’s obvious that she’s better than you in everyway except for being fat.
Cameraman: Oh burn!
Guy 2: Hey I’m comfortable with the way I look why can’t the rest of the world be?
Cameraman: Because you ate the rest of the world because you’re really fat because you ate lots of people!
Guy 2: Hey I did not- wait… well… define lots…
Cameraman: Make me.
Guy 2: Do small children count?
Cameraman: We’re changing the subject before you get even less dignity.
Guy 2: What dignity? I don’t have any the day I met this guy.
Guy 2 points to Guy 1.
Guy 1: Hey!
Cameraman: Well… you’ll have negative dignity! Oh! Take that!
Guy 3: Hey guess what? The plots developing really slowly!
Guy 2: Hey guess what? Shut up!
Guy 3: That was a bad come back.
Guy 2: You’re mum’s a bad come back.
Guy 3: I don’t even know why I looked away from the wall in the first place…
Guy 3 turns back to the wall only Guy 5 is in the way.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 5 waves.
Guy 3: Oh… now I remember.
Guy 5: Hello.
Guy 5 continues waving.
To be continued...
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