Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.
Guy 1: Can I have one?
Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.
Guy 1: Please?
Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.
Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?
Girl 1 nods and eats another.
Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…
There’s a knock at the door.
Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!
Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.
Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?
Guy 1: Waiting for you…
Guy 2: How’d you get in?
Guy 1: Through the door…
Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.
Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?
Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…
Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.
Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?
Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.
Guy 2: Fank-oo.
Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.
Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!
Guy 2: What isn’t?
Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?
Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.
Guy 1: Oh yeah.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.
Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: Uh… hello?
Guy 1: Yes hello.
Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.
Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-
Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.
Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…
Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.
Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.
Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.
Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?
Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…
Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…
Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…
(Pause)
Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.
Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.
Guy 2: I’d assume so…
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?
Guy 1 puts his hand up.
Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!
Guy 2: Anyone else?
Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.
Guy 2: Yes?
Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…
Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.
There’s another knock at the door.
Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!
Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.
Guy 1: Who is it?
Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.
Guy 4: Ahem!
Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.
Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…
Guy 4: Uh… OK…
Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.
Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…
Everyone looks at Guy 3.
Guy 1: Lame!
Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!
Guy 3: Prove it!
Guy 1: OK I will.
Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.
Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!
Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.
Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!
Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…
Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.
Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!
Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.
Guy 4: Ha!
Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?
Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?
Guy 3: About ten bucks.
Guy 4: You’re on.
Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!
Guy 1: Oh good.
Girl 1 yanks it again.
Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?
Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.
Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!
Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?
Guy 4: No…
Guy 5: Are you sure?
Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!
Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!
Guy 4: Please stop doing that.
Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.
Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.
Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.
Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…
Guy 3: Huh?
Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.
Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.
Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?
Guy 4 sighs.
Guy 4: OK fine.
Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: Really?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?
Guy 1 nods.
Guy 4: I see…
Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?
Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.
Guy 2: Why not?
Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.
Guy 2 pauses and thinks.
Guy 2: Wait… huh?
Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.
Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.
Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?
Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.
Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!
Guy 4: I’m not telling you.
Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…
Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!
Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.
Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!
(Pause)
Guy 2: Yes you do.
To be continued...
Showing posts with label terrorist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label terrorist. Show all posts
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Holiday Prt 3
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
To Be Continued…
Monday, March 30, 2009
The Holiday Prt 2
Part 1: Here
Guy 2 and Guy 1 are sitting in a taxi as it drives them to the airport.
Guy 2: Hey if we're going straight to the airport then what about your luggage? Isn't it at your house?
Guy 1: No. I sent it to the airport in advance. It should be there waiting for us...
Guy 2: You can do that?
Guy 1: I sure hope so...
The taxi arrives at the airport and they get out. There's a large pile of suitcases piled near the footpath.
Guy 1: Ah. My luggage.
Guy 2: What? You just left a bunch of suitcases on the ground outside an airport and hoped they'd still be there a few hours later?
Guy 1: Yeah.... it worked didn't it?
Guy 2: That's not the point! Someone could've really easily stolen it!
Guy 1: No they couldn't have. Look.
Guy 1 walks over and shows Guy 2 a tag with the words "Please do not steal this - xo." written on it.
Guy 1: Everyone obeys the tag. I once put one on a lamp post saying "Please leave your pants
here" and when I came back to it I had a new pair of pants!
Guy 2: Were those the pants with the holes in them, the burn marks and smelt worse than a dead fish?
Guy 1: Yeah! And they were free!
Guy 2: Yeah... good for you... well I'm going to go check in.
Guy 2 unloads his luggage from the back of the taxi and pays the taxi driver. He then walks into the airport and checks in. He checks his watch and it's nearly time to take off. He looks around but doesn't see Guy 1 anywhere.
Guy 2: Where is he? We need to get on the plane real soon...
He looks at his watch once more and starts to wander near the entrance to the plane. Eventually a voice comes over the intercom.
Voice: Flight 599 is preparing for take off. Can all passengers please board the plane.
Guy 2: I know! It's time for an internal monologue! (Inside his head) If he doesn't arrive soon they'll call his name out over the speakers. He can't get a plane ticket without a passport and some form of identification... they must have his name on record!
Guy 2 waits near the entrance. The woman checking tickets looks at him.
Guy 2: I'm waiting for my friend... He was really insistent on boarding the plane with me. He's special you know...
The woman nods. The speakers once again crackle and a voice comes through.
Voice: Not all passengers have boarded, can um...
Guy 2: (Inside his mind) This is it!
Voice: Hey what does that say? (Pause) Then what do I say? OK. The person who is approximately 5"11 with brown eyes and brownie-red hair please board flight 599. You know
where you are.
Guy 2: DAMMIT! So close!
The woman gives him a strange look.
Guy 2: Hey this may sound like the strangest thing you've ever heard but um... can I get a copy of the flight manifest so I can see the names of the people on this flight... so I know what my friends name is...
Woman: Sorry sir I cannot give you that. Especially not so you can find out the name of your friend... that.... yeah that is quite strange... are you sure he's the one who's special not you?
Guy 2: You know sometimes I'm not sure...
Guy 2 hands his ticket to the woman and she checks it. Just as he's about to walk in Guy 1 runs up and hands his ticket to the woman.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 2: Hey?
Guy 1: Yeah it's like hello only spelt differently.
Woman: Can you two please board the plane?
Guy 2: OK.
They walk into the plane and find their seats.
Guy 2: What happened?
Guy 1: When? Because you know there have been an awful lot of things that happened...
Guy 2: Where were you? They had to call for you over the loud speakers.
Guy 1: They were calling me? Oh... well I didn't hear my name being called out so yeah...
Guy 2: What is your na-
Guy 1: But I was late because this really tall man was talking to me.
(Pause)
Guy 2: About?
Guy 1: It's a secret. He was American... spoke really good English for an American too. I was impressed.
Guy 2: All American's speak English...
Guy 1: Hahahaha! That's funny!
Guy 2: It's true.
Guy 1: Sure.
The Captain's voice comes over a speaker.
Captain: This is your captain speaking.... not your cook, not your mother, not your long lost
uncle, not your massage therapist and definitely not your boyfriend...
Girl: What?
Captain: Yeah, it's over between us woman in seat C15. Enjoy the flight you slut! OK, well for the rest of you we're about to take off. Please fasten your seatbelts SO YOU DON'T CHEAT ON ME!
Guy 2: I don't think I want to be on this flight...
Captain: Too bad!
Guy 2: Oh great...
The plane took off.
Guy 1: So ever been to another country before?
Guy 2: Yeah I've been to Iceland before. I was bitten by a man in a moose costume.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Yeah, then he asked me where the bathroom was and got out a book with English phrases in it.
Guy 1: That's quite strange. Did you direct him to the toilet?
Guy 2: No but I directed my fists to his face which introduced him to the ground. The ground was accompanied by my foot. My foot soon became acquainted with his ribs and they hit it off instantly. His teeth were jealous so we had a threesome and then I walked off after I got tired.
Guy 1: You always do. Your relationships don't last very long.
Guy 2: Yeah the strange thing was he started yelling after at me saying "I would like to order a ham and cheese sandwich!" It was so weird.
Guy 1: Do you think he didn't know what he was doing?
Guy 2: I'm pretty sure he knew he was bleeding from the mouth I'm sure of that.
Guy 1: Wow. You're violent.
Guy 2: What about you?
Guy 1: No I'm a pacifist.
Guy 2: No I meant have you ever been to another country?
Guy 1: I've been around a few places... France, Belgium, Morocco, England, Brazil. Yeah I remember I was in Paris once and this guy came up and threw a piece of bread straight at my head and yelled "Merde!" at me very, very loudly. Then he stabbed a lady right next to him. Then he gave her money as he said "branleur" to her. It was so random. Then I said thanks and ate the bread.
Guy 2: Did you report the crime?
Guy 1: No. It's France.
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: Dude. Don't mess with the affairs of other countries.
Guy 2: But-
Guy 1: You just don't OK?
Guy 2: Fine...
Guy 2 picks up a book and starts to read to pass the time. Guy 1 looks around to see if he can find something to entertain himself with. He leans over towards the person in the seat across the aisle.
Guy 1: Hey.
The man turns and looks at him.
Man: Yes?
Guy 1: Are you a racist?
Man: Um... No?
Guy 1: Are you sure?
Man: Yes.
Guy 1: OK. Because you just look like the kind of guy who likes to wear white pyjamas, cover his face and go burning some crosses and killing some black people.
Man: Who says that to people!?
Guy 1: Me. Duh. It's just the way that your hair is pointed up. Hey so you know, what are your opinions on foreigners?
Man: You do realise that I'm going to a different country right now right? I obviously do not have any qualms with other countries.
Guy 1: I suppose so...
Guy 1 turns back to facing forward. He leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) I wonder what would happen if I jumped up right now and told everyone to get on the floor? Hmm...
Guy 1 jumps out of his seat.
Guy 1: EVERYONE GET ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW I SAID!
All the passengers panic and put their heads down. They all scrambled onto the floor and lie there shivering and crying. Guy 2 looks around confused at everyone. Nothing happens for a while and there's complete silence.
Guy 2: What are you doing?
Someone on the floor looks up and sees that nothings happening. People start to whisper and murmur in confusion. Someone tries to get up but the person next to them quickly drags them back down and tells them off quickly. One of the men gathers enough courage to speak.
Man 2: Um... or what?
Guy 1: Huh?
Man 2: Are you going to kill us all if we don't stay quiet and remain on the floor?
Guy 1: No. Just... wanted to see what would happen if I told everyone to get on the floor. You all did! That's pretty cool huh? That was pretty funny you got to admit.
Guy 2: You're going to get us all arrested...
Guy 1: For what? Talking loudly on a plane?
Man 2: Can we get up now?
Guy 1: Yeah sure. It's not like I'm going to blow you up.
Just as he said "I'm going to blow you up" a stewardess walks through a door. She sees Guy 1 standing up and everyone else besides Guy 2 lying on the floor and freezes. She drops the tray of refreshments she was holding.
Guy 1: Oh a stewardess... Hey um... want to uh... join... this... game... of.... who can lie on the floor the fastest? Yeah... uh... HE LOST!
Guy 1 points to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Oh uh yeah um... damn. I lost. Yeah. I fail. Haha OK let's have another round. Come on everyone can get up now... please get up off the floor.
Everyone slowly inches off the floor and back to their seats.
Guy 1: OK and... everyone get on the floor now!
Everyone remains seated.
Man 2: Go screw yourself!
Guy 1: Hehe... he... Uh.... yeah!
Stewardess: Right...
She picks up the tray she has dropped and disappears back into another part of the plane.
Guy 1: I think that went quite well considering...
Guy 2: Don't you dare do that again! Ever! We were so close to being tackled to the ground and taken away forever where we'll never see the light of day again! And I like daylight! It's better than moonlight!
Guy 1: You've obviously never had a moontan.
Guy 2: Have you?
Guy 1: No, they're incredibly hard to get.
Guy 2: Everyone's looking angrily at us now... the old lady near the front seems to be having some kind of nervous breakdown.
Guy 1: Well you can't prove that's my fault!
Guy 2: Yes I can. I can ask her and I bet you she'll say it was your fault.
Guy 1: Lying old woman...
Guy 2: Wait no... I don't think I can ask her anymore...
Guy 1: Why? Oh right, because she's sleeping at the moment. Wow old people just nod off anywhere they want to.
Guy 2: Yeah... sleeping... (Thoughts) Oh please God, I don't ask for much but please let that woman be just sleeping!
Guy 1: Hey long do you think there's left of the flight?
Guy 2: About 14 more hours. Why?
Guy 1: Uuuurrggghhhh!! 14 hours?
Guy 2: Yes. Terrible I know. Who would've thought that travelling half-way across the entire planet took a while?
Guy 1: Rhetorical! I would of course!
Guy 2: Just read a book or something...
Guy 1: Fine...
Guy 1 steals Guy 2's book and starts reading it.
Guy 2: Hey!
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: You stole my book!
Guy 1: Yeah I know. You told me to read something...
Guy 2: Something else!
Guy 1: Be more specific next time.
Guy 2: No. Here read this.
Guy 2 hands Guy 1 a very long and large book.
A few hours later:
Guy 1 turns the final page of the book.
Guy 2: Finished already? Wow that was a big book.
Guy 1: No I was just thumbing through each page to see if there were any pictures. There weren't any.
Guy 2: You idiot...
Guy 1: Hey you're the idiot for buying boring books with no pictures.
All of a sudden one of the passengers screams.
Passenger: Agghh!!
Guy 1: What's wrong? What's going on?
He looks at her seat and sees a snake slithering next to it.
Guy 1: Agh! A snake!.... On a plane!
Guy 1 runs over and smashes the snake over the head with the enormous book he's holding. The snake dies instantly. Another two snakes slither into view.
Passenger: Agghh!! More snakes.... on a plane!
Samuel L. Jackson: EVERYWHERE I GO! DAMMIT TO HELL PEOPLE!
Guy 1: Don't worry! I'll save you!
Guy 1 smashes the book down on both of the snakes at the same time. They also die.
Guy 1: Boom! Headshot! Double kill!
Passenger: Oh thank you! Thank you! However can I repay you?
Guy 1: Here. Hold this.
Guy 1 hands her the book.
Guy 1: I don't want it.
Guy 1 sits back down next to Guy 2.
Guy 1: I apologise. You're not an idiot for buying stupid books... your books come in handy for killing things.
Guy 2: Where did the snakes come from?
Guy 1: I don't know. Somewhere... possibly a box or something... Hey got any more books I can read?
Guy 2: (Sighs) Fine. Have this one I've finished it.
Guy 2 hands Guy 1 the book. The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
To Be Continued...
Guy 2 and Guy 1 are sitting in a taxi as it drives them to the airport.
Guy 2: Hey if we're going straight to the airport then what about your luggage? Isn't it at your house?
Guy 1: No. I sent it to the airport in advance. It should be there waiting for us...
Guy 2: You can do that?
Guy 1: I sure hope so...
The taxi arrives at the airport and they get out. There's a large pile of suitcases piled near the footpath.
Guy 1: Ah. My luggage.
Guy 2: What? You just left a bunch of suitcases on the ground outside an airport and hoped they'd still be there a few hours later?
Guy 1: Yeah.... it worked didn't it?
Guy 2: That's not the point! Someone could've really easily stolen it!
Guy 1: No they couldn't have. Look.
Guy 1 walks over and shows Guy 2 a tag with the words "Please do not steal this - xo." written on it.
Guy 1: Everyone obeys the tag. I once put one on a lamp post saying "Please leave your pants
here" and when I came back to it I had a new pair of pants!
Guy 2: Were those the pants with the holes in them, the burn marks and smelt worse than a dead fish?
Guy 1: Yeah! And they were free!
Guy 2: Yeah... good for you... well I'm going to go check in.
Guy 2 unloads his luggage from the back of the taxi and pays the taxi driver. He then walks into the airport and checks in. He checks his watch and it's nearly time to take off. He looks around but doesn't see Guy 1 anywhere.
Guy 2: Where is he? We need to get on the plane real soon...
He looks at his watch once more and starts to wander near the entrance to the plane. Eventually a voice comes over the intercom.
Voice: Flight 599 is preparing for take off. Can all passengers please board the plane.
Guy 2: I know! It's time for an internal monologue! (Inside his head) If he doesn't arrive soon they'll call his name out over the speakers. He can't get a plane ticket without a passport and some form of identification... they must have his name on record!
Guy 2 waits near the entrance. The woman checking tickets looks at him.
Guy 2: I'm waiting for my friend... He was really insistent on boarding the plane with me. He's special you know...
The woman nods. The speakers once again crackle and a voice comes through.
Voice: Not all passengers have boarded, can um...
Guy 2: (Inside his mind) This is it!
Voice: Hey what does that say? (Pause) Then what do I say? OK. The person who is approximately 5"11 with brown eyes and brownie-red hair please board flight 599. You know
where you are.
Guy 2: DAMMIT! So close!
The woman gives him a strange look.
Guy 2: Hey this may sound like the strangest thing you've ever heard but um... can I get a copy of the flight manifest so I can see the names of the people on this flight... so I know what my friends name is...
Woman: Sorry sir I cannot give you that. Especially not so you can find out the name of your friend... that.... yeah that is quite strange... are you sure he's the one who's special not you?
Guy 2: You know sometimes I'm not sure...
Guy 2 hands his ticket to the woman and she checks it. Just as he's about to walk in Guy 1 runs up and hands his ticket to the woman.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 2: Hey?
Guy 1: Yeah it's like hello only spelt differently.
Woman: Can you two please board the plane?
Guy 2: OK.
They walk into the plane and find their seats.
Guy 2: What happened?
Guy 1: When? Because you know there have been an awful lot of things that happened...
Guy 2: Where were you? They had to call for you over the loud speakers.
Guy 1: They were calling me? Oh... well I didn't hear my name being called out so yeah...
Guy 2: What is your na-
Guy 1: But I was late because this really tall man was talking to me.
(Pause)
Guy 2: About?
Guy 1: It's a secret. He was American... spoke really good English for an American too. I was impressed.
Guy 2: All American's speak English...
Guy 1: Hahahaha! That's funny!
Guy 2: It's true.
Guy 1: Sure.
The Captain's voice comes over a speaker.
Captain: This is your captain speaking.... not your cook, not your mother, not your long lost
uncle, not your massage therapist and definitely not your boyfriend...
Girl: What?
Captain: Yeah, it's over between us woman in seat C15. Enjoy the flight you slut! OK, well for the rest of you we're about to take off. Please fasten your seatbelts SO YOU DON'T CHEAT ON ME!
Guy 2: I don't think I want to be on this flight...
Captain: Too bad!
Guy 2: Oh great...
The plane took off.
Guy 1: So ever been to another country before?
Guy 2: Yeah I've been to Iceland before. I was bitten by a man in a moose costume.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Yeah, then he asked me where the bathroom was and got out a book with English phrases in it.
Guy 1: That's quite strange. Did you direct him to the toilet?
Guy 2: No but I directed my fists to his face which introduced him to the ground. The ground was accompanied by my foot. My foot soon became acquainted with his ribs and they hit it off instantly. His teeth were jealous so we had a threesome and then I walked off after I got tired.
Guy 1: You always do. Your relationships don't last very long.
Guy 2: Yeah the strange thing was he started yelling after at me saying "I would like to order a ham and cheese sandwich!" It was so weird.
Guy 1: Do you think he didn't know what he was doing?
Guy 2: I'm pretty sure he knew he was bleeding from the mouth I'm sure of that.
Guy 1: Wow. You're violent.
Guy 2: What about you?
Guy 1: No I'm a pacifist.
Guy 2: No I meant have you ever been to another country?
Guy 1: I've been around a few places... France, Belgium, Morocco, England, Brazil. Yeah I remember I was in Paris once and this guy came up and threw a piece of bread straight at my head and yelled "Merde!" at me very, very loudly. Then he stabbed a lady right next to him. Then he gave her money as he said "branleur" to her. It was so random. Then I said thanks and ate the bread.
Guy 2: Did you report the crime?
Guy 1: No. It's France.
Guy 2: So?
Guy 1: Dude. Don't mess with the affairs of other countries.
Guy 2: But-
Guy 1: You just don't OK?
Guy 2: Fine...
Guy 2 picks up a book and starts to read to pass the time. Guy 1 looks around to see if he can find something to entertain himself with. He leans over towards the person in the seat across the aisle.
Guy 1: Hey.
The man turns and looks at him.
Man: Yes?
Guy 1: Are you a racist?
Man: Um... No?
Guy 1: Are you sure?
Man: Yes.
Guy 1: OK. Because you just look like the kind of guy who likes to wear white pyjamas, cover his face and go burning some crosses and killing some black people.
Man: Who says that to people!?
Guy 1: Me. Duh. It's just the way that your hair is pointed up. Hey so you know, what are your opinions on foreigners?
Man: You do realise that I'm going to a different country right now right? I obviously do not have any qualms with other countries.
Guy 1: I suppose so...
Guy 1 turns back to facing forward. He leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) I wonder what would happen if I jumped up right now and told everyone to get on the floor? Hmm...
Guy 1 jumps out of his seat.
Guy 1: EVERYONE GET ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW I SAID!
All the passengers panic and put their heads down. They all scrambled onto the floor and lie there shivering and crying. Guy 2 looks around confused at everyone. Nothing happens for a while and there's complete silence.
Guy 2: What are you doing?
Someone on the floor looks up and sees that nothings happening. People start to whisper and murmur in confusion. Someone tries to get up but the person next to them quickly drags them back down and tells them off quickly. One of the men gathers enough courage to speak.
Man 2: Um... or what?
Guy 1: Huh?
Man 2: Are you going to kill us all if we don't stay quiet and remain on the floor?
Guy 1: No. Just... wanted to see what would happen if I told everyone to get on the floor. You all did! That's pretty cool huh? That was pretty funny you got to admit.
Guy 2: You're going to get us all arrested...
Guy 1: For what? Talking loudly on a plane?
Man 2: Can we get up now?
Guy 1: Yeah sure. It's not like I'm going to blow you up.
Just as he said "I'm going to blow you up" a stewardess walks through a door. She sees Guy 1 standing up and everyone else besides Guy 2 lying on the floor and freezes. She drops the tray of refreshments she was holding.
Guy 1: Oh a stewardess... Hey um... want to uh... join... this... game... of.... who can lie on the floor the fastest? Yeah... uh... HE LOST!
Guy 1 points to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Oh uh yeah um... damn. I lost. Yeah. I fail. Haha OK let's have another round. Come on everyone can get up now... please get up off the floor.
Everyone slowly inches off the floor and back to their seats.
Guy 1: OK and... everyone get on the floor now!
Everyone remains seated.
Man 2: Go screw yourself!
Guy 1: Hehe... he... Uh.... yeah!
Stewardess: Right...
She picks up the tray she has dropped and disappears back into another part of the plane.
Guy 1: I think that went quite well considering...
Guy 2: Don't you dare do that again! Ever! We were so close to being tackled to the ground and taken away forever where we'll never see the light of day again! And I like daylight! It's better than moonlight!
Guy 1: You've obviously never had a moontan.
Guy 2: Have you?
Guy 1: No, they're incredibly hard to get.
Guy 2: Everyone's looking angrily at us now... the old lady near the front seems to be having some kind of nervous breakdown.
Guy 1: Well you can't prove that's my fault!
Guy 2: Yes I can. I can ask her and I bet you she'll say it was your fault.
Guy 1: Lying old woman...
Guy 2: Wait no... I don't think I can ask her anymore...
Guy 1: Why? Oh right, because she's sleeping at the moment. Wow old people just nod off anywhere they want to.
Guy 2: Yeah... sleeping... (Thoughts) Oh please God, I don't ask for much but please let that woman be just sleeping!
Guy 1: Hey long do you think there's left of the flight?
Guy 2: About 14 more hours. Why?
Guy 1: Uuuurrggghhhh!! 14 hours?
Guy 2: Yes. Terrible I know. Who would've thought that travelling half-way across the entire planet took a while?
Guy 1: Rhetorical! I would of course!
Guy 2: Just read a book or something...
Guy 1: Fine...
Guy 1 steals Guy 2's book and starts reading it.
Guy 2: Hey!
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: You stole my book!
Guy 1: Yeah I know. You told me to read something...
Guy 2: Something else!
Guy 1: Be more specific next time.
Guy 2: No. Here read this.
Guy 2 hands Guy 1 a very long and large book.
A few hours later:
Guy 1 turns the final page of the book.
Guy 2: Finished already? Wow that was a big book.
Guy 1: No I was just thumbing through each page to see if there were any pictures. There weren't any.
Guy 2: You idiot...
Guy 1: Hey you're the idiot for buying boring books with no pictures.
All of a sudden one of the passengers screams.
Passenger: Agghh!!
Guy 1: What's wrong? What's going on?
He looks at her seat and sees a snake slithering next to it.
Guy 1: Agh! A snake!.... On a plane!
Guy 1 runs over and smashes the snake over the head with the enormous book he's holding. The snake dies instantly. Another two snakes slither into view.
Passenger: Agghh!! More snakes.... on a plane!
Samuel L. Jackson: EVERYWHERE I GO! DAMMIT TO HELL PEOPLE!
Guy 1: Don't worry! I'll save you!
Guy 1 smashes the book down on both of the snakes at the same time. They also die.
Guy 1: Boom! Headshot! Double kill!
Passenger: Oh thank you! Thank you! However can I repay you?
Guy 1: Here. Hold this.
Guy 1 hands her the book.
Guy 1: I don't want it.
Guy 1 sits back down next to Guy 2.
Guy 1: I apologise. You're not an idiot for buying stupid books... your books come in handy for killing things.
Guy 2: Where did the snakes come from?
Guy 1: I don't know. Somewhere... possibly a box or something... Hey got any more books I can read?
Guy 2: (Sighs) Fine. Have this one I've finished it.
Guy 2 hands Guy 1 the book. The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
To Be Continued...
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