CBM 10: A Curse on your Family and your Goat

Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.

Guy 1: Can I have one?

Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Please?

Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.

Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?

Girl 1 nods and eats another.

Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…

There’s a knock at the door.

Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!

Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.

Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?

Guy 1: Waiting for you…

Guy 2: How’d you get in?

Guy 1: Through the door…

Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.

Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?

Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…

Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.

Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?

Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.

Guy 2: Fank-oo.

Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.

Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!

Guy 2: What isn’t?

Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?

Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.

Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: Uh… hello?

Guy 1: Yes hello.

Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-

Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.

Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…

(Pause)

Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Guy 2: I’d assume so…

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?

Guy 1 puts his hand up.

Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!

Guy 2: Anyone else?

Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…

Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!

Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.

Guy 1: Who is it?

Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.

Guy 4: Ahem!

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…

Guy 4: Uh… OK…

Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.

Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…

Everyone looks at Guy 3.

Guy 1: Lame!

Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 3: Prove it!

Guy 1: OK I will.

Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.

Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!

Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.

Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!

Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…

Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.

Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!

Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.

Guy 4: Ha!

Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?

Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?

Guy 3: About ten bucks.

Guy 4: You’re on.

Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!

Guy 1: Oh good.

Girl 1 yanks it again.

Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?

Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.

Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!

Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 5: Are you sure?

Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!

Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!

Guy 4: Please stop doing that.

Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.

Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.

Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Guy 3: Huh?

Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.

Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.

Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?

Guy 4 sighs.

Guy 4: OK fine.

Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: Really?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: I see…

Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?

Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.

Guy 2: Why not?

Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.

Guy 2 pauses and thinks.

Guy 2: Wait… huh?

Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.

Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?

Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!

Guy 4: I’m not telling you.

Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…

Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!

Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.

Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!

(Pause)

Guy 2: Yes you do.

To be continued...