"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

CBM 4: A Psycho Cult by any Other Name

Guy 3: OK… so it is true what they say back at super-special-awesome-secret headquarters… our standards have dropped significantly…

Guy 2: Yes I assume they would’ve seeing how he’s here.

Guy 3: Oh and you as well. Don’t forget that you suck too.

Guy 2: Keep it to yourself you blabbering drunk.

Guy 3: I keep telling you I no longer take drugs of any kind.

Guy 2: Sure… sure… just you keep believing that while the rest of us mock you.

Guy 3: I don’t drink…


Guy 2: Baaaaaaa!

Guy 3: Stop mentioning that will you!?


Guy 2: Baaaaa!

Guy 3: I’ll hit you! I mean… forgive me brother… let us sing songs.

Guy 4: You know you can stop acting like that. We’ve drawn them in.

Guy 2: Huh? What does that mean?

Guy 4: Hey to anyone who isn’t being accepted into the society thinks we’re just some psycho cult because we act like total fruitcakes and go round talking about “peace” and “love” and what not. All the cults and secret societies do it.

Guy 1: You mean when those Moonies said they loved me it was all a lie!?

Guy 4: Yes… they secretly don’t give a (BEEP) about you at all.


Guy 1 starts crying. Girl 1 puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

Guy 4: Stop that.

Guy 1 stops crying.

Guy 1: I’m OK.

Guy 2: So all we know about cults is really a total lie?

Guy 4: Yep… except the bit about them being run by powerful money-hungry and evil corporations.

Guy 1: Oh, well, when you put it like that.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 1: I uh… don’t know… I just felt like talking then… just ignore me from now on.

Guy 4: Gladly. So you see we must make it seem to anyone who has found out you’re part of this secret society that you’re totally insane.

Guy 2: Doesn’t seem too hard we do that all the time.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Guy 2 hi-fives Cameraman. Girl 1 puts out her hand and looks at Guy 2 and he just looks back. She turns to Guy 1 with her hand still out anticipating a Hi-five. He looks at her and waves.

Guy 1: Hello. Did you want something?

Girl 1 motions towards her hand. Guy 1 looks at it.

Guy 1: I’m not giving you money if that’s what you want.

Girl 1 hits her head with her hand and turns away and crosses her arms.

Guy 4: OK so you can all act like a bunch of insane lunatics on call?

Cameraman: You don’t even have to ask.

Guy 4: Good. OK first to join this secret fraternity you must go through an initiation.

Guy 1: Hey wait. What is this? An organization, a cult a society or a fraternity? You keep changing your description of this secret thing actually is!

Guy 4: OK fine. Shall we stick with “Secret Society”?

Guy 2: Yeah I like that.

Guy 1: Yep.

Guy 3: Oh yeah that’s fine with me.

Cameraman: You’re face!

Guy 1: That’s a yes.

Cameraman: HoooWaaaa!

Cameraman slaps Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Hey but cameraman promised!

Cameraman: Cameraman lied…

Guy 4: Enough! Save it for where it’s appropriate… parliament house!

Cameraman: People keep saying that but I never get to go.

Guy 4: OK we will now refer to it as a “Secret Society” and not an organization, fraternity, cult or organization.

Guy 1: You said organisation twice.

Guy 4: Silence!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 goes over and stats waving at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You call this annoying?

Guy 4: It will become annoying after a while… trust me that guy is so annoying sometimes I just want to stand on a couple of phone books and strangle him.

Guy 5 keeps waving.

Guy 1: Yeah I know how you feel… man I want to kill Robert Wadlow so much… thinks he’s better than me because he’s taller than me…

Guy 2: He died over fifty years ago and he doesn’t think he’s better than you because he’s taller he thinks he’s better than you because he is!

Guy 1: Shut up!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 5.

Guy 1: OK you can stop now… hello… yes… hello again… you can stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… please stop… just stop it!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers.

Guy 4: I think he’s suffered enough… for now…

Guy 2: So what is this…?

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society…called?

Guy 4: Well this…

Guy 4 looks side to side.

Guy 4: Secret Society is called the Coo-Coo-Clan.

Everyone in the room gasps besides Guy 4.


Guy 1: Oh… my… gosh! It’s the KKK!

Guy 4: No you moron it’s the CCC! Learn to spell!

Guy 1: Never! That’s the spell-checks job not mine!

Guy 4: From now on you will pay attention to the spell checker and spell words like “cat” without any numbers or exclamation marks halfway through. The only word spelt with a “6” is the word “garwsh”.

Cameraman: Told you so!

Guy 2: Ha ha! You got told!

Guy 1: Hey shut up you spell worse then me!

Guy 2: But your handwriting is harder to read.

Guy 1: Then we’re equal.

Guy 2: Agreed.

Cameraman: Fags.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2: It’s that time of the month… you know… when the local electronics shop has a sale and she still doesn’t have enough money to buy a new camera because we don’t pay her…

Guy 1: Aaaah!

Guy 3: Hang on. I have a problem and I want to share it.

Guy 1: Hey I don’t want anymore diseases. I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship… again.

Guy 2: Neither am I.

Guy 3: No not that kind of problem you morons.

Guy 2: Then refill your prescription what do you need us for?

Guy 3: I mean I have a problem with the name!

Guy 2: Ooooohh! That kind of problem! Makes so much sense now!

Guy 3: Yeah! My problem is that it’s the coo-coo-clan and not the coo-coo-secret-society.

Everyone stares at Guy 3.

Guy 4: That’s because the coo-coo-secret-society is a retarded name!

Guy 5: I agree.

Guy 4: I didn’t say you’re allowed to talk.

Guy 3: Well maybe we should change it to something else…

Guy 4: So you’re saying a top-secret society that hasn’t changed in the past hundred years should change its name just so you don’t have a problem with it?

Guy 3: Yes…

Guy 4: All opposed to beating this guy?

He turns to everyone and they just sit there doing nothing.

Guy 4: OK.

Guy 3: You can’t do that!

Guy 4: I was kidding we’re not going to hurt you…

Guy 1: You were kidding!? I didn’t know this!

Guy 2: Hey! That’s unfair! I honestly thought he was going to be beaten!

Cameraman: This is an outrage!

Guy 4: Everyone calm down!

Guy 2: As members of this…

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society… I think we should be allowed to democratically make it so this guy can get beaten up whenever we feel like it.

Guy 4: Well you’re not members yet.

Girl 1 gasps.

Guy 4: Oh wow you’re still here. You haven’t moved much in the past half an hour have you?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 4: Yeah I know how you feel always being ignored.

Guy 1: Ahem.

Guy 4: No body acknowledges your existence.

Guy 1: Excuse me you were saying?

Guy 4: I mean it must be really infuriating having people ignore you like that.

Girl 1 shakes her head agreeably with what Guy 4 is saying.

Guy 1: We’re not members of the society but…


Guy 4: I just hate it when I’m ignored…

Guy 1: Gah!

To be continued...


  1. um...this is new..i think....? guess i have to read parts a through 4? it's like i've been in a blog coma.

  2. Yes you most definitely do. I forgot to link to the previous posts but then again they're not that hard to find. Hope you enjoy the new thing while I get round to EVENTUALLY ONE DAY FINALLY finishing The Holiday (I know how it ends... I just never get round to it)