"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

The Holiday Prt 8

Guy 1 and Sally are on the front lawn repainting the old lemonade stand. Andrew walks up.

Andrew: Selling lemonade I see... that reminds me of the time I was in Afghanistan trying to haggle with a local shopkeeper over the price of a hat. I nearly got him down to a low enough price for me to buy it...

Sally: I didn’t know you’ve gone to Afghanistan. When was this?

Andrew: It was just after I had visited the pyramids of Egypt.

Sally: I don’t remember you ever mentioning going to Egypt...

Andrew: Didn’t I? Oh. Well I did.

Sally: Right.

Andrew: Hey you do realise that if you’re selling lemonade you’ll be in direct competition with those McCloud boys across the street right?

Across the street three young boys stared intently at Sally.

Child 2: Do we have enough money to get her whacked?

Child 3: We have... uh... three dollars and fifty cents. Do you think if we combine all our pocket money for a month we’ll get enough?

Child 2: I doubt it...

Child 1: What should we do?

Child 2: Increase the nicotine content!

Child 2 takes a puff from a cigarette.

Back at the other side of the street Guy 1 was painting the wood.

Guy 1: Hey is this paint meant to taste sweet?

Sally: No. That means it’s got lead in it. It also means you’re doing your job wrong. Why are you tasting the paint?

Guy 1: Why are you stifling my creativity?

Sally: Because I want to.

Guy 1: OK then.

They both laugh.

Sally: But seriously though, don’t eat the paint...

Guy 1: OK.

Gary and Guy 2 walk out of the house.

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: What you doing?

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 2: Are you copying me.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: He said no.

Guy 2: Right... anyway, selling lemonade?

Guy 1: No we’re going to change the sign and sell this.

Guy 1 passes him the bottle of pizza juice and Guy 2 takes a sip.

Guy 2: Wow! This tastes like pizza! It’s so good, I love it. I love it like I would a child if it brought me pizza instead of asking to be cared for.

Guy 1: Well when we get home we’ll buy you a slave orphan.

Guy 2: Thanks. Hey, Gary is going to show me the local area so we’ll be gone for a bit. Bye.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Bye Gary!

They all wave goodbye to each other and Gary and Guy 2 walk off.

Sally: Those two are getting along well. Hey! What did I say about tasting the paint?

Guy 1: My hand slipped!

Sally: Sure it did.

Guy 1: I have poor motor functions. Hey, do you think we could also sell this paint too?

Sally smiles and shakes her head.

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Aww... Hey uh... can you help me out of this paint can? My hand is stuck.

Sally: How did it get stuck?

Guy 1: I don’t know.

Sally: How very Winnie the Pooh of you.

Guy 1: We must think think think.

Guy 1 taps his head with the hand currently stuck in the paint can.

Guy 1: Ow.

Sally: Or you could unclench yours fist and slip out of the can.

The paint can falls off Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Andrew: You know I remember when I was in Africa how these tribesmen showed me a method of catching baboons by making a hole in a tree, putting something edible in there and letting the baboon reach in and grab it. It’s clenched fist was too large to get out and in the momentary confusion the men would jump out from hiding and grab the creature.

Guy 1: Oh good I’m being compared to a monkey.

Andrew: And losing. At least the monkey was after food.

Sally: Aww don’t worry I’m sure if you were to fight a monkey you’d come out on top.

Andrew: Baboons are very vicious creatures. I doubt it.

Sally: Aww don’t be so mean!

Sally hugs Guy 1.

Guy 1: Yeah... geez...

Sally: Did my father hurt your feelings?

Guy 1: (pause) yes.

Sally: Haha. Awww.

Sally hugs Guy 1 again and they both smile.

Sally: Come on let’s get this stall up before midday.

And that’s exactly what they did. They had painted the entire stand, gotten rid of the cobwebs, and found a place to put it near a footpath. Soon someone walked past holding a lamp.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: Why are you holding a lamp?

Man: Because it is my best friend.

Guy 1: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.

Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The man skips away. A second person arrives who looks exactly like the previous man but isn’t holding a lamp.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: Aren’t... you the person from 10 seconds ago only.... where’s your lamp?

Man: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?

Sally: No.

Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.

Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The Man walks off completely normally.

Guy 1: That... was... huh?

A third man who is identical in every way to the previous one only holding a bunch of golf clubs walks up.

Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: (Pause) OK... you’re the guy from before only you’ve put down your lamp now have you?

Man: Lamp? What lamp?

Guy 1: The lamp! The lamp!

Man: (To Sally) is there a me-

Sally: No.


Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

Guy 1: Come back here! I want to know where your lamp is!

As the man turns the corner the man with the lamp walks up to them from the opposite direction.

Guy 1: AGGHHH!!! LAMP!

Man: Yes. Do you want it?

Guy 1: But... but it’s your best friend.

Man: No it’s not. That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.

The Man does a cartwheel as he leaves.

Guy 1: But... but... agghhh! My head hurts!

Sally: This is very odd.

Guy 1: (nearly crying) There’s so many... so many...

Sally: I feel like Samuel Beckett is writing my life...

Guy 1: Or someone less famous but aspiring to be just as great...

Sally and Guy 1 pause and look straight forward at some imaginary point with a look on their faces before going back to what they were doing before.

Meanwhile, around the corner two of the triplets stood there giggling to themselves. The third triplet comes round holding his lamp.

Man 1: He’s breaking down!


Man 3: Oh man this prank is hilarious! Let’s go find someone else to play it on.

Man 1: Haha! I swear his mind was about to explode!

Back at the pizza juice stand Guy 1 was shaking his head.

Guy 1: This country doesn’t make sense.

A person walks past.

Person: Hello. I see you are selling something.

Guy 1: It’s... p... p... pizza juice...

Person: Uh... and what is that?

Guy 1: Try it. It tastes like pizza.

Guy 1 slowly hands the person some juice.

Guy 1: I know what you look like now. You can’t fool me.

Person: I wasn’t going to...

Sally: Just ignore him. He’s gone through a really traumatic experience.

Person: So that’s why he hasn’t blinked once or moved his eyes away from me since I said hello.

Sally: Yes. Just drink the juice. It’s really good.

The person takes a sip.

Person: Mmmm. This is really good.

Sally: If you want more you’ll need to pay.

Person: Of course.

The person hands over some money and leaves with pizza juice.

Person: Thanks!

Guy 1: If you come back you better be you and not someone who just looks like you!

Person: I’m walking away!

Sally: I think you’re not good with customer services.

Guy 1: What makes you say that?

Sally: Your lack of social skills. But don’t worry, I’ll be the head of the business and you can be in charge of numbers...

Guy 1 looks at her blankly.

Sally: No... OK no you can be... OK just stand here and look cute.

Guy 1: As in dress in baby clothes?

Sally: Hahaha- no. (Pause) There, there.

Sally pats Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Sally: OK! It’s enterprising time. We should get the word out about this pizza juice instead of just expecting people to walk past this calm suburban street.

Guy 1: Why?

Sally: Because it’s a calm suburban street. Nothing... happens here.

Guy 1: Oh. Oh yeah.

Sally: OK let’s brainstorm on marketing strategies.

Guy 1: Sky writing.

Sally: Mmmm no. Think smaller.

Guy 1: Ceiling writing?

Sally: Nearly. But feel free to break into people’s houses and write “Pizza Juice” on their ceilings.

Guy 1: (Happy) You mean I have permission?

Sally: Uh... sure. I was thinking maybe making pamphlets.

Guy 1: Like the ones at the doctors?

Sally: Have you ever read one of the pamphlets at the doctors?

Guy 1: No...

Sally: Ah. Well no, not like them.

Guy 1: OK.

Sally: You have a lot to learn in life don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes. I most likely do.

Sally: Well come on, perhaps I’ll teach you a few things while we design our promotional materials.

Sally leads Guy 1 back to her home and designs some promotional leaflets and advertising materials. As they make their way back to the stall Guy 1 listens to Sally as she enlightens him about the world.

Guy 1: Ahhhh! So that’s how taps work!

Sally: Yes. So water is no longer that mysterious magical thing made by clouds and taps?

Guy 1: I knew that! I just didn’t know how the pipe system worked.

Sally: Sure... your question was totally a clever disguise for you not knowing how water was made.

Guy 1: I think you’re reading too much into this.

Sally: Maybe I am. Now go young one! Distribute these advertisement materials to the public!

Guy 1: We keep referring to them as different things. Advertisement materials, promotional materials, pamphlets, leaflets, it’s confusing.

Sally: No it’s not. No one will care trust me.

Guy 1: OK.

Sally: So go out and knock on some doors. Don’t be shy this place is pretty friendly. I’ll man the stand and serve any customers that come.

Guy 1 walks off to find a suitably inviting household to knock on the door of. He walks up to one a few streets down and a blonde girl, about 18 or 19 answers the door.

Girl: Hello, how may I help you?

Guy 1: I’m handing out these promotional leaflets to inform you about the pizza juice stand that’s just over that way. We’re... selling it. It’s really good.

Girl: Pizza juice?

Guy 1: Yeah. It’s juice, but it tastes like pizza! It’s really awesome.

Girl: What kind of pizza? Hawaiian? Meat lovers? Vegetarian?

Guy 1: Well... obviously not Meat lovers no.

Man: (From within the house) Who’s that?

Girl: It’s some foreign guy with...

Guy 1: Advertising materials.

Girl: For... pizza juice.

Man: He’s got what?

Guy 1: A promotional pamphlet.

Man: Like from the doctors?

Guy 1: No.

Girl: Wait, is this a pamphlet, leaflet, or advertisement?

Guy 1: What?

Girl: You keep using different terms for it.

Guy 1: Curse you Sally! You lied to me!

Girl: Huh?

Guy 1 hands her a leaflet and runs away.

Girl: Your marketing strategy sucks! Running away yelling is not good business conduct!

Guy 1: I don’t care! And I’m not yelling!

Girl: You are now!

Guy 1: Curse you!

Girl: Still not good business conduct!

Man: Who was that?

Girl: I have no idea...

Guy 1 runs up to Sally.

Guy 1: The first house I went to did notice the change in names!

Sally: You didn’t visit the house two streets down, three houses across did you?

Guy 1: (Pause) Maybe.

Sally: Yeah they’re a stickler for language use. Trust me, everyone else won’t mind. But just stick to “promotional leaflet” to avoid confusion. Off you go now.

Guy 1 grudgingly walks back to his route around the nearby houses. He walks up to a dark and foreboding house with dilapidated roof shingles and dead trees in the
garden. He smiles and knocks on the door. Old Lady Patterson opens the door.

Guy 1: It’s you!

Old Lady Patterson: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 1: (Pause) Who are you?

Old Lady Patterson: I’m Old Lady Patterson.

Guy 1: Wait... your name literally is Old Lady Patterson?

Old Lady Patterson: Yes.

Guy 1: Your parents decided when you were born, and were an infant, that they’d call you “Old Lady”?

Old Lady Patterson: Yes.

Guy 1: Right. Well I’m selling pizza juice. What is this new product I hear you say? Well it’s a lovely mixture of juices that create a flavour similar to pizza.

Old Lady Patterson: Don’t you fear me boy?

Guy 1: What?

Old Lady Patterson: You better fear me. Because if I see you riding around in these parts again I’ll get you... you don’t belong here. I shall rise in the night to hunt you down and torture you endlessly unless you flee! Flee from this land and be
banished forthwith! I do not look kindly on strangers in these parts!

Old Lady Patterson shakes her first angrily near his face and holds it there.

Guy 1: Yes but... pizza juice... promotional... thing.

Guy 1 tries to put the pamphlet in her hand but it’s clenched.

Guy 1: Here just... yes take... OK hang on.

He puts down the rest of the pamphlets and then proceeds to try and pry open her hand with both hands.

Guy 1: Just relax... open. Yep, pizza... uh...

He gives up.

Guy 1: You know I’ll just leave it here... on the floor near your feet...

Guy 1 walks away.

Old Lady Patterson: I will find you boy! I will find you!

Guy 1: Why don’t you find some meds!?

Old Lady Patterson: Demon boy!

Guy 1: Everyone I meet is seriously weird.

Guy 1 had decided that after experiencing a sample space of two households that his strategy of talking directly to people wasn’t working. He decided that something new had to be done, something not involving talking to strangers – which as a socially maladjusted individual he preferred.

Half an hour later he returned to the pizza juice stall smiling.

Sally: I suppose you got the message out about this stall?

Guy 1: Oh yes. You did give me permission after all...

Sally smiled, not being completely aware of what he meant.

Meanwhile, the Girl that Guy 1 first visited looked up at her ceiling.

Girl: Dad...

Man: Yeah?

Girl: Someone wrote the words “Pizza juice” on the ceiling... Was it you?

Man: No.

Girl: Oh. Hmm.

She continues to stare at the ceiling.

To be continued...