"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Friday, May 14, 2010

The Holiday Prt 11

There was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed. Guy 1 grabbed onto Sally and held her tightly in fear. Everything went incredibly quiet. Everyone looked around. Nothing happened. Guy 1 let go of Sally. Still nothing happened. No ravenous monster or animal came out from the darkness to kill.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I don’t know...

Guy 2: Nothing has happened...

Sally: I know...

Guy 2: That was really anticlimactic.

Sally: It was a bit yeah.

Guy 2: I’m disappointed in whatever it was.

Guy 1: So am I. It set itself up for being seriously scary and then lulled and now the fear is gone. It cannot compete with Gary at all.

Sally: I don’t think that was the intent of the wild animal.

Guy 2: Oh! Perhaps it’s just lulling is into a false sense of security before striking?

Guy 1: Well we’re pretty secure... but let’s wait anyway just in case.

Everyone was perfectly still waiting to see if they would be dragged into the night screaming by some horrid foul creature. Nothing happened for quite some time.

Guy 2: I am feeling very lulled. Isn’t that right?

Guy 1: Yes, I too am feeling very lulled. I am very secure right now in this dark forest. I am glad that I am safe.

Sally: What?

Guy 2: (Quietly) we’re making it know that it has succeeded in lulling us into a false sense of security to lure it out...

Still nothing happens as they all pause.

Guy 1: Absolute disappointment.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 1: I can’t believe our ploy didn’t work!

Guy 2: Yeah, it seemed so foolproof.

Sally: Sigh. So who wants to tell a story next? How about you Wizard?

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: We all know this!

Wizard: I’m a wizard you know.

Guy 2: Yes. We do know.

Wizard: I do wizard things.

Before Guy 2 could yell at the Wizard, Sally asked him a question.

Sally: Do you have an interesting story to do with those wizard things?

Wizard: Not really. It’s mostly accounting.

Guy 2: Being a wizard involves accounting?

Wizard: I can do magic with numbers. I’m a magicmatician.

Guy 2: You are so lame. I bet nothing this terrible has happened to anyone else who decided to take a holiday in Charleston...

Cut to: The Bus Driver. He knocks on a dilapidated old house.

Bus Driver: OK surely this house will have someone who can help me...

The door sways open by itself and the Bus Driver walks in.

Bus Driver: Hello? Anyone?

He readies his machine gun and points aimlessly around the room even though it’s too dark to see. There’s a rustling of thousands of little feet accompanied by something large and thudding. The Bus Driver looks around frantically, his sense of direction now lost.

Bus Driver: Who is there!?

Something grabs him in the dark. There is a loud screeching noise and suddenly everything goes quiet.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2: Everything bad happens to me...

Sally: Aww, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, you met me!

Guy 2: That has so far been a bonus.

Guy 1: And don’t forget you have me to thank for it!

Guy 2: Oh yeah... you. Yay.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: Thanks Gary.

Sally: Well who else has a story?

Guy 2: I suppose I could tell one.

Sally: Oh please do Mr. Watzisname.

Guy 2: What? Oh never mind. OK. Well one day I was driving along and I went to go round a corner, so I indicated.

Guy 1: I love this story so far.

Guy 2: Shush you. Right, well my indicator stuck yeah so after I had gone round the corner and continued on. But I was constantly indicating right, by the way, we drive on the left in Australia, so when I got onto a double lane road everyone thought I was trying to get into the right lane when I wanted to stay in the left. Hahahaha! Everyone got so annoyed!

Sally: That was... interesting... yeah...

Guy 1: Cool...

Gary: (click).

Sally: Hmm. So, how about you?

Guy 1: Oh I don’t have a story to tell.

Sally: Sure you do.

Guy 1: Yeah, but... I’m tired now...

Guy 2: So I am. Let’s all go to sleep.

Gary: (click)

Wizard: I agree with what Gary just clicked. It was concise but elegant.

Sally: OK I guess it’s been dark for quite some time now. So shall we all sleep, with one of us to stay and feed wood to the fire?

Everyone at once: Yes. Bags not staying up.

Everyone besides Sally instantly lied down and fell asleep.

Sally: Thanks guys... leave me to feed the fire. Typical.

Many hours later that night, Guy 1 stirred from his sleep, with the assistance of Sally poking his face with a stick. It was very effective at helping the process come along quickly.

Guy 1: Ugh... why has the forest come alive and started poking me? Have I angered it?

Sally: Haha. No it’s just me silly. Come on; stay up with me for a while before I go to sleep.

Guy 1: What time is it?

Sally: Midnight... ish.

Guy 1: Mmm. You know, right now it’s midday in Australia.

Sally: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 1: Which makes me wonder why I’m not jet lagged right now... That’s odd. Anyway... Good... morning.

Sally: Good morning. So... the ground’s not too uncomfortable is it?

Guy 1: Oh no. It’s quite alright. Feel it.

Sally: I’m fine thanks haha. But thanks for offering.

Guy 1: Do you think I’ll get sued by mother Earth if I caress the earth for a bit? You know America is full of weird litigation cases like that.

Sally: You really like this ground don’t you?

Guy 1: Yeah. It’s much mulchier feeling... You don’t get much of that where I come from; it doesn’t rain often enough to get lots of plant matter to make the ground like this. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle it back to my country?

Sally: Probably not.

Guy 1 scuttled over to sit next to Sally. They looked up at the stars.

Guy 1: Aliens...

Sally: Hmm?

Guy 1: Aliens.

Guy 1 pointed to the sky.

Guy 1: They’re bound to be out there, right? Sometimes I look up with my binoculars and search for them. They’re not where I can see them, but I figure that’s because there’s a lot that I don’t see... (long pause) Maybe I need a bigger pair of binoculars.

Sally: Haha. Maybe. You know what I love about the country? You can see so much more stars than you can in cities. Light pollution sucks.

Guy 1: I agree.

They looked up at the sky, watching the constellations and talking about how much they enjoyed light and the many things it allowed them to see. Guy 1 at one point nearly though he had seen a UFO but it was only a shooting star. You see I *could* talk about their conversations that they had into the night but quite frankly that’d not be that interesting. Instead...

The next morning Gary, Guy 2 and Wizard awoke to see Sally leaning on Guy 1’s shoulder fast asleep. Guy 2 walked over to them and changed the brightness settings on his phone to max. He shined it in Guy 2’s face.

Guy 2: TRUCK!

Guy 1: AGGGHHH!!

Wizard: AGGGHHH!!

Guy 1: LIGHT POLLUTION! Whoa hey. Why are you showing me your phone? Oh, you’ve got a message.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 2 looked at his phone. He did indeed have a message. He checked it.

Message: Hello valued customer! We’d just like to inform you that your roaming area has increased by %20 due to our harsh and ruthless deforestation of natural environments to build telecommunications towers! Remember, don’t let the hippy propaganda get in the way of text messaging!

Guy 2: AWESOME! Hey guys! We now have phone reception in the woods! We’re saved!

Sally stirred from her slumber.

Guy 2: Sally! Good news! Deforestation has saved us!

Sally: What? That’s horrible!

Guy 2: No it’s not you hippy propagandist. Now, what do I dial to get us rescued?

Sally: 991.

Guy 2: Really? That’s such a stupid number. Are you sure that’s right? Wizard?

Wizard: I’m not sure either... Perhaps you should look up Wikipedia.

Guy 2: Oh right yeah. OK hang on a sec.

Sally: Just trust me it’s 991!

Guy 2: Yeah, but I’m just double checking OK? Don’t want to be wrong about these things... Stupid phone internet takes so long to load...

Sally: Wait, your phone is fancy enough to have internet access?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: Well surely it’d also be equipped with some kind of GPS like function right?

Guy 2: Yeah, why?

Sally: You got lost in the woods... and you didn’t bother to check your GPS?

Guy 2: Hmm... Yeah, I can see that I may have made a mistake and that perhaps I should’ve considered the possibility of using said GPS system before I got too lost.

Sally: So we didn’t have to risk dying of cold in the woods looking for you?

Guy 2: Mmmmm yeah I guess.

Sally: Right. So what are you going to do now?

Guy 2: Um... check Wikipedia?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: What? Oh! Right yes, the GPS. Haha sorry... awkward. (Looking at his phone) OK, yeah OK... mmm... come on... OK... yeah... OK. OK. Yeah. OK. According to this we are currently in... a wood.

Sally: Yes. I can see this.

Wizard: I can too! TREES! TREES WITH LEAVES!

Sally: Which way do we go to get out of the wood?

Guy 2: Um, left! Yes. OK we just head off in that direction and we’ll be free!

Wizard: FREEDOM!!!!

The Wizard ran in the direction that Guy 2 had pointed.

Sally: Damn, that Wizard is messed up.

Guy 1: Onward!

They followed The Wizard off into the trees. After an hour of trekking through the foliage and tree trunks they emerged onto a street that led on into town. Guy 2 collapsed to his knees and closed his eyes.

Guy 2: Ughh...

Sally: What?

Guy 2: You know, I’ve been told I’m going to have my legs broken, been accused of being a terrorist twice, being beaten up, mugged, nearly killed in a drag race and subsequent explosion, lost all my luggage, had my accommodation burn down before I even got to raid the minibar and gotten completely lost and spent a night in a scary wood in a foreign land all in the past day and a half!

Guy 1: And we’ve still got 13 days left of this vacation!

Guy 2 opened his eyes.

Guy 2: Oh no... Please no! This past day and a half felt like it lasted over a year! I can barely remember when I was having a nice relaxing shower, trying not to fear the soap that had made it’s way into my bathroom.

Guy 1: Oh pish posh. This holiday is flying by so quickly! How interesting it’s going to be! I wonder what adventures we’re going to have the next 13 days!

Guy 2: I never want to go on vacation with you again...

Guy 1: Come on; let’s go to Sally’s home.

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 1: You said it! We do need showers!

Sally: Up you get.

Sally dragged Guy 2 to his feet.

Sally: I know the way home from here.

And so they went back to Sally’s house where they showered and cleaned themselves, especially their teeth. Afterwards they spent the day relaxing watching TV. The next few days went by smoothly; Guy 1 and Sally returned to trying and make their pizza juice business work out and Guy 2 and Gary went back to playing video games instead of admiring nature. You see, those next few days were not very climactic. They didn’t get into any major adventures at all. Not too interesting huh? Oh well.

It was the last day of their holiday and they were at the airport.

Sally: I’ll miss you guys.

Guy 1: I’ll miss you too.

Sally: Be sure to write to me sometime. What’s your address?

Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s um, 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.

Sally: Awesome.

Sally hugged Guy 1.

Sally: You’re brilliant, you know this right?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: This isn’t the end you know. It never is. We’re probably destined to meet again someday.

Guy 1: I look forward to it. I... I...

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Think you’re... brilliant too.

Sally’s smile widened.

Sally: You’re sweet.

Guy 1: You haven’t tasted me yet...

Sally: Well then, I’ll just have to get some evidence to back up my statement.

Sally kissed Guy 1 on the forehead. Guy 1’s face went red.

Sally: Told you so. Hahahaha! Your face is so red!

Guy 1: Yeah well-

Guy 2 grabbed Guy 2 by the collar.

Guy 2: Come on! We’re going to be late for the flight! I don’t want anyone to think that we’re terrorists again.

Just at that point a passing nun heard only the words “we’re terrorists again” and turned to Guy 2 and screamed.


Guy 2: Oh not again!

Guy 2 quickly ran off towards the boarding gate as the Nun charged at him waving her Bible at him. Guy 1 ran after him.

Guy 1: Goodbye Sally!

Sally: Goodbye!

The Guys made it to the plane and showed their tickets to get on just in time to escape the crazed nun. They sat down in their seats next to each other and waited for the plane to take off.

Guy 2: That was close...

Guy 1: Yeah...

The plane took off. Hours later it landed in Australia and Guy 1 and 2 were soon back at Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: Ah! It’s good to be home!

He paused and looked around.

Guy 2: Hmm...

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: Oh nothing, just... it seems like there’s meant to be some feeling of closure around now.

Guy 1: What do you mean?

Guy 2: I’m not sure. Oh well... I guess I’ll just uhh... sit down and read a book. Bye now.

Guy 1: Yeah, bye.

Guy 1 left.

Guy 2 sat and tried to read the latest Mathew Reilly book but for some reason things just didn’t seem right. He made himself dinner and after he finished his meal he still felt as if something wasn’t right. The next day still didn’t seem right, as if something was missing or something was meant to have happened. The next day Guy 1 came round again.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey.

Guy 1: What up?

Guy 2: I keep thinking I’m missing something... like I’ve forgotten something really important that’s preventing me from feeling like this chapter of my life is over. I don’t know what it is...

Guy 1: Hmm...

Guy 2: It’s um... um... oh why? Why? Why did... we... go on a holiday just then?

Guy 1: Oh right! Because I borrowed money from a loan shark in your name and you had to escape the country to stop yourself from being mutilated by gangsters!

Guy 2: Oh yeah! That’s right... OH S***! WHAT!? I’m going to be BEATEN BECAUSE OF YOU UNLESS I GET FIVE GRAND! I don’t have five grand!

Guy 1: Calm down! Calm down!

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because yelling hurts my sensitive ears!


Suddenly, a letter slid through the post slit in the door. They turned and picked it up and opened it.

Guy 1: It’s from Sally!

Guy 2: Thank you for the exposition, but I am capable of reading.

Guy 1: Just... saying. Just in case you didn’t know.

Guy 2: Right. Anyway...

They read the letter.

Hey guys!

Hope you’re all well! I’m just writing to you to inform you that just after you left my Dad took a real shine to our Pizza Juice stall and so he got in contact with his old business friend from when he visited the Falkland Islands (I never knew he went there, or when. Weird hey?) and he decided that it was a viable business option! Now Pizza Juice is a registered trademark of the Lindum Corporation and it’s making lots of money already! Can you believe that? Soon it’ll probably be in stores over there too! Well, since it was your idea here’s your half of the money. Enclosed is a cheque for 5 thousand dollars (Australian as I thought you’d not be too good with the stock exchange and all those tricky numbers).

Love, Sally.

Guy 1: Oh cool, I have five grand now.

Guy 2: Dude... Give me the money.

Guy 1: What? But it was my pizza juice!

Guy 2: Dude! You owe me that money! If I don’t get it, I’m going to have my legs broken and it’ll be all your fault!

Guy 1 sighed. He passed over the cheque.

Guy 1: Fine.

Guy 2: Thank you! Now never do that again you understand?

Guy 1: Never give you lots of money? OK.

Guy 2: No I meant never loan money in my name from a loan shark! EVER!

Guy 1: Well I can hardly give him my name!

Guy 2: Whatever! Now, tell me how to pay this guy back...

And that was the conclusion to that exciting adventure of Guy 1 and 2. Guy 2 managed to successfully pay off his debts and didn’t get beaten up. Life continued on as normal as it possibly could with Guy 1 nearby. And so there’s nothing else to say but The En-

Cameraman: Terrible!


Cameraman: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t like this story at all! It took far too long to write and I only had a very minor cameo!


Cameraman: You heard me narrator. I’m meant to be a main character, a provider of sage wisdom and HD quality image playback! And that final bit where the 13 days go by quickly with nothing happening? You’re so lazy! You could’ve turned this into a Lord of the Rings like epic comedy! But no- No you’re just SO HANDSOME AND WELL HUNG! YES! I LOVE THE NARRATOR/AUTHOR! HE’S SEXY! No I didn’t say that! Stop editing what I s- SEX IS FUN! Fine! Fine! Say it! It’s about time that this thing concludes.

The End.