There was a blood curdling animalistic howl from far off in the dark woods. Everyone screamed. Guy 1 grabbed onto Sally and held her tightly in fear. Everything went incredibly quiet. Everyone looked around. Nothing happened. Guy 1 let go of Sally. Still nothing happened. No ravenous monster or animal came out from the darkness to kill.
Guy 1: What was that?
Sally: I don’t know...
Guy 2: Nothing has happened...
Sally: I know...
Guy 2: That was really anticlimactic.
Sally: It was a bit yeah.
Guy 2: I’m disappointed in whatever it was.
Guy 1: So am I. It set itself up for being seriously scary and then lulled and now the fear is gone. It cannot compete with Gary at all.
Sally: I don’t think that was the intent of the wild animal.
Guy 2: Oh! Perhaps it’s just lulling is into a false sense of security before striking?
Guy 1: Well we’re pretty secure... but let’s wait anyway just in case.
Everyone was perfectly still waiting to see if they would be dragged into the night screaming by some horrid foul creature. Nothing happened for quite some time.
Guy 2: I am feeling very lulled. Isn’t that right?
Guy 1: Yes, I too am feeling very lulled. I am very secure right now in this dark forest. I am glad that I am safe.
Sally: What?
Guy 2: (Quietly) we’re making it know that it has succeeded in lulling us into a false sense of security to lure it out...
Still nothing happens as they all pause.
Guy 1: Absolute disappointment.
Guy 2: Indeed.
Guy 1: I can’t believe our ploy didn’t work!
Guy 2: Yeah, it seemed so foolproof.
Sally: Sigh. So who wants to tell a story next? How about you Wizard?
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: We all know this!
Wizard: I’m a wizard you know.
Guy 2: Yes. We do know.
Wizard: I do wizard things.
Before Guy 2 could yell at the Wizard, Sally asked him a question.
Sally: Do you have an interesting story to do with those wizard things?
Wizard: Not really. It’s mostly accounting.
Guy 2: Being a wizard involves accounting?
Wizard: I can do magic with numbers. I’m a magicmatician.
Guy 2: You are so lame. I bet nothing this terrible has happened to anyone else who decided to take a holiday in Charleston...
Cut to: The Bus Driver. He knocks on a dilapidated old house.
Bus Driver: OK surely this house will have someone who can help me...
The door sways open by itself and the Bus Driver walks in.
Bus Driver: Hello? Anyone?
He readies his machine gun and points aimlessly around the room even though it’s too dark to see. There’s a rustling of thousands of little feet accompanied by something large and thudding. The Bus Driver looks around frantically, his sense of direction now lost.
Bus Driver: Who is there!?
Something grabs him in the dark. There is a loud screeching noise and suddenly everything goes quiet.
Cut to: Guy 2.
Guy 2: Everything bad happens to me...
Sally: Aww, I’m sure it doesn’t. After all, you met me!
Guy 2: That has so far been a bonus.
Guy 1: And don’t forget you have me to thank for it!
Guy 2: Oh yeah... you. Yay.
Gary: (click)
Guy 1: Thanks Gary.
Sally: Well who else has a story?
Guy 2: I suppose I could tell one.
Sally: Oh please do Mr. Watzisname.
Guy 2: What? Oh never mind. OK. Well one day I was driving along and I went to go round a corner, so I indicated.
Guy 1: I love this story so far.
Guy 2: Shush you. Right, well my indicator stuck yeah so after I had gone round the corner and continued on. But I was constantly indicating right, by the way, we drive on the left in Australia, so when I got onto a double lane road everyone thought I was trying to get into the right lane when I wanted to stay in the left. Hahahaha! Everyone got so annoyed!
Sally: That was... interesting... yeah...
Guy 1: Cool...
Gary: (click).
Sally: Hmm. So, how about you?
Guy 1: Oh I don’t have a story to tell.
Sally: Sure you do.
Guy 1: Yeah, but... I’m tired now...
Guy 2: So I am. Let’s all go to sleep.
Gary: (click)
Wizard: I agree with what Gary just clicked. It was concise but elegant.
Sally: OK I guess it’s been dark for quite some time now. So shall we all sleep, with one of us to stay and feed wood to the fire?
Everyone at once: Yes. Bags not staying up.
Everyone besides Sally instantly lied down and fell asleep.
Sally: Thanks guys... leave me to feed the fire. Typical.
Many hours later that night, Guy 1 stirred from his sleep, with the assistance of Sally poking his face with a stick. It was very effective at helping the process come along quickly.
Guy 1: Ugh... why has the forest come alive and started poking me? Have I angered it?
Sally: Haha. No it’s just me silly. Come on; stay up with me for a while before I go to sleep.
Guy 1: What time is it?
Sally: Midnight... ish.
Guy 1: Mmm. You know, right now it’s midday in Australia.
Sally: That’s pretty cool.
Guy 1: Which makes me wonder why I’m not jet lagged right now... That’s odd. Anyway... Good... morning.
Sally: Good morning. So... the ground’s not too uncomfortable is it?
Guy 1: Oh no. It’s quite alright. Feel it.
Sally: I’m fine thanks haha. But thanks for offering.
Guy 1: Do you think I’ll get sued by mother Earth if I caress the earth for a bit? You know America is full of weird litigation cases like that.
Sally: You really like this ground don’t you?
Guy 1: Yeah. It’s much mulchier feeling... You don’t get much of that where I come from; it doesn’t rain often enough to get lots of plant matter to make the ground like this. Do you think they’ll let me smuggle it back to my country?
Sally: Probably not.
Guy 1 scuttled over to sit next to Sally. They looked up at the stars.
Guy 1: Aliens...
Sally: Hmm?
Guy 1: Aliens.
Guy 1 pointed to the sky.
Guy 1: They’re bound to be out there, right? Sometimes I look up with my binoculars and search for them. They’re not where I can see them, but I figure that’s because there’s a lot that I don’t see... (long pause) Maybe I need a bigger pair of binoculars.
Sally: Haha. Maybe. You know what I love about the country? You can see so much more stars than you can in cities. Light pollution sucks.
Guy 1: I agree.
They looked up at the sky, watching the constellations and talking about how much they enjoyed light and the many things it allowed them to see. Guy 1 at one point nearly though he had seen a UFO but it was only a shooting star. You see I *could* talk about their conversations that they had into the night but quite frankly that’d not be that interesting. Instead...
The next morning Gary, Guy 2 and Wizard awoke to see Sally leaning on Guy 1’s shoulder fast asleep. Guy 2 walked over to them and changed the brightness settings on his phone to max. He shined it in Guy 2’s face.
Guy 2: TRUCK!
Guy 1: AGGGHHH!!
Wizard: AGGGHHH!!
Guy 1: LIGHT POLLUTION! Whoa hey. Why are you showing me your phone? Oh, you’ve got a message.
Guy 2: What?
Guy 2 looked at his phone. He did indeed have a message. He checked it.
Message: Hello valued customer! We’d just like to inform you that your roaming area has increased by %20 due to our harsh and ruthless deforestation of natural environments to build telecommunications towers! Remember, don’t let the hippy propaganda get in the way of text messaging!
Guy 2: AWESOME! Hey guys! We now have phone reception in the woods! We’re saved!
Sally stirred from her slumber.
Guy 2: Sally! Good news! Deforestation has saved us!
Sally: What? That’s horrible!
Guy 2: No it’s not you hippy propagandist. Now, what do I dial to get us rescued?
Sally: 991.
Guy 2: Really? That’s such a stupid number. Are you sure that’s right? Wizard?
Wizard: I’m not sure either... Perhaps you should look up Wikipedia.
Guy 2: Oh right yeah. OK hang on a sec.
Sally: Just trust me it’s 991!
Guy 2: Yeah, but I’m just double checking OK? Don’t want to be wrong about these things... Stupid phone internet takes so long to load...
Sally: Wait, your phone is fancy enough to have internet access?
Guy 2: Yeah, why?
Sally: Well surely it’d also be equipped with some kind of GPS like function right?
Guy 2: Yeah, why?
Sally: You got lost in the woods... and you didn’t bother to check your GPS?
Guy 2: Hmm... Yeah, I can see that I may have made a mistake and that perhaps I should’ve considered the possibility of using said GPS system before I got too lost.
Sally: So we didn’t have to risk dying of cold in the woods looking for you?
Guy 2: Mmmmm yeah I guess.
Sally: Right. So what are you going to do now?
Guy 2: Um... check Wikipedia?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: What? Oh! Right yes, the GPS. Haha sorry... awkward. (Looking at his phone) OK, yeah OK... mmm... come on... OK... yeah... OK. OK. Yeah. OK. According to this we are currently in... a wood.
Sally: Yes. I can see this.
Wizard: I can too! TREES! TREES WITH LEAVES!
Sally: Which way do we go to get out of the wood?
Guy 2: Um, left! Yes. OK we just head off in that direction and we’ll be free!
Wizard: FREEDOM!!!!
The Wizard ran in the direction that Guy 2 had pointed.
Sally: Damn, that Wizard is messed up.
Guy 1: Onward!
They followed The Wizard off into the trees. After an hour of trekking through the foliage and tree trunks they emerged onto a street that led on into town. Guy 2 collapsed to his knees and closed his eyes.
Guy 2: Ughh...
Sally: What?
Guy 2: You know, I’ve been told I’m going to have my legs broken, been accused of being a terrorist twice, being beaten up, mugged, nearly killed in a drag race and subsequent explosion, lost all my luggage, had my accommodation burn down before I even got to raid the minibar and gotten completely lost and spent a night in a scary wood in a foreign land all in the past day and a half!
Guy 1: And we’ve still got 13 days left of this vacation!
Guy 2 opened his eyes.
Guy 2: Oh no... Please no! This past day and a half felt like it lasted over a year! I can barely remember when I was having a nice relaxing shower, trying not to fear the soap that had made it’s way into my bathroom.
Guy 1: Oh pish posh. This holiday is flying by so quickly! How interesting it’s going to be! I wonder what adventures we’re going to have the next 13 days!
Guy 2: I never want to go on vacation with you again...
Guy 1: Come on; let’s go to Sally’s home.
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Guy 1: You said it! We do need showers!
Sally: Up you get.
Sally dragged Guy 2 to his feet.
Sally: I know the way home from here.
And so they went back to Sally’s house where they showered and cleaned themselves, especially their teeth. Afterwards they spent the day relaxing watching TV. The next few days went by smoothly; Guy 1 and Sally returned to trying and make their pizza juice business work out and Guy 2 and Gary went back to playing video games instead of admiring nature. You see, those next few days were not very climactic. They didn’t get into any major adventures at all. Not too interesting huh? Oh well.
It was the last day of their holiday and they were at the airport.
Sally: I’ll miss you guys.
Guy 1: I’ll miss you too.
Sally: Be sure to write to me sometime. What’s your address?
Guy 1: Oh, yeah. It’s um, 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Sally: Awesome.
Sally hugged Guy 1.
Sally: You’re brilliant, you know this right?
Guy 1: Yes.
Sally: This isn’t the end you know. It never is. We’re probably destined to meet again someday.
Guy 1: I look forward to it. I... I...
Sally: Yes?
Guy 1: Think you’re... brilliant too.
Sally’s smile widened.
Sally: You’re sweet.
Guy 1: You haven’t tasted me yet...
Sally: Well then, I’ll just have to get some evidence to back up my statement.
Sally kissed Guy 1 on the forehead. Guy 1’s face went red.
Sally: Told you so. Hahahaha! Your face is so red!
Guy 1: Yeah well-
Guy 2 grabbed Guy 2 by the collar.
Guy 2: Come on! We’re going to be late for the flight! I don’t want anyone to think that we’re terrorists again.
Just at that point a passing nun heard only the words “we’re terrorists again” and turned to Guy 2 and screamed.
Nun: TERRORIST RESURGENCE!
Guy 2: Oh not again!
Guy 2 quickly ran off towards the boarding gate as the Nun charged at him waving her Bible at him. Guy 1 ran after him.
Guy 1: Goodbye Sally!
Sally: Goodbye!
The Guys made it to the plane and showed their tickets to get on just in time to escape the crazed nun. They sat down in their seats next to each other and waited for the plane to take off.
Guy 2: That was close...
Guy 1: Yeah...
The plane took off. Hours later it landed in Australia and Guy 1 and 2 were soon back at Guy 2’s house.
Guy 2: Ah! It’s good to be home!
He paused and looked around.
Guy 2: Hmm...
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: Oh nothing, just... it seems like there’s meant to be some feeling of closure around now.
Guy 1: What do you mean?
Guy 2: I’m not sure. Oh well... I guess I’ll just uhh... sit down and read a book. Bye now.
Guy 1: Yeah, bye.
Guy 1 left.
Guy 2 sat and tried to read the latest Mathew Reilly book but for some reason things just didn’t seem right. He made himself dinner and after he finished his meal he still felt as if something wasn’t right. The next day still didn’t seem right, as if something was missing or something was meant to have happened. The next day Guy 1 came round again.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 2: Hey.
Guy 1: What up?
Guy 2: I keep thinking I’m missing something... like I’ve forgotten something really important that’s preventing me from feeling like this chapter of my life is over. I don’t know what it is...
Guy 1: Hmm...
Guy 2: It’s um... um... oh why? Why? Why did... we... go on a holiday just then?
Guy 1: Oh right! Because I borrowed money from a loan shark in your name and you had to escape the country to stop yourself from being mutilated by gangsters!
Guy 2: Oh yeah! That’s right... OH S***! WHAT!? I’m going to be BEATEN BECAUSE OF YOU UNLESS I GET FIVE GRAND! I don’t have five grand!
Guy 1: Calm down! Calm down!
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because yelling hurts my sensitive ears!
Guy 2: THAT’S NOT A GOOD REASON!
Suddenly, a letter slid through the post slit in the door. They turned and picked it up and opened it.
Guy 1: It’s from Sally!
Guy 2: Thank you for the exposition, but I am capable of reading.
Guy 1: Just... saying. Just in case you didn’t know.
Guy 2: Right. Anyway...
They read the letter.
Hey guys!
Hope you’re all well! I’m just writing to you to inform you that just after you left my Dad took a real shine to our Pizza Juice stall and so he got in contact with his old business friend from when he visited the Falkland Islands (I never knew he went there, or when. Weird hey?) and he decided that it was a viable business option! Now Pizza Juice is a registered trademark of the Lindum Corporation and it’s making lots of money already! Can you believe that? Soon it’ll probably be in stores over there too! Well, since it was your idea here’s your half of the money. Enclosed is a cheque for 5 thousand dollars (Australian as I thought you’d not be too good with the stock exchange and all those tricky numbers).
Love, Sally.
Guy 1: Oh cool, I have five grand now.
Guy 2: Dude... Give me the money.
Guy 1: What? But it was my pizza juice!
Guy 2: Dude! You owe me that money! If I don’t get it, I’m going to have my legs broken and it’ll be all your fault!
Guy 1 sighed. He passed over the cheque.
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 2: Thank you! Now never do that again you understand?
Guy 1: Never give you lots of money? OK.
Guy 2: No I meant never loan money in my name from a loan shark! EVER!
Guy 1: Well I can hardly give him my name!
Guy 2: Whatever! Now, tell me how to pay this guy back...
And that was the conclusion to that exciting adventure of Guy 1 and 2. Guy 2 managed to successfully pay off his debts and didn’t get beaten up. Life continued on as normal as it possibly could with Guy 1 nearby. And so there’s nothing else to say but The En-
Cameraman: Terrible!
What?
Cameraman: Terrible! Terrible! I didn’t like this story at all! It took far too long to write and I only had a very minor cameo!
What?
Cameraman: You heard me narrator. I’m meant to be a main character, a provider of sage wisdom and HD quality image playback! And that final bit where the 13 days go by quickly with nothing happening? You’re so lazy! You could’ve turned this into a Lord of the Rings like epic comedy! But no- No you’re just SO HANDSOME AND WELL HUNG! YES! I LOVE THE NARRATOR/AUTHOR! HE’S SEXY! No I didn’t say that! Stop editing what I s- SEX IS FUN! Fine! Fine! Say it! It’s about time that this thing concludes.
The End.
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Friday, May 14, 2010
Saturday, December 26, 2009
The Holiday Prt 9
You know the drill
Sally: Wow! Business is really picking up!
Woman: Thanks. Here you go kids.
The woman hands cups to her two children and walks off.
Guy 1: Three people! That’s a, uh... three!
Sally: I love how you count. It’s cute.
Guy 1: Well maybe we can count down from 10 together sometime.
Sally: Did you just wink?
Guy 1: No!
Guy 1 blushes.
Sally: Are you blushing?
Guy 1: Definitely!....
Sally: Wha-
Guy 1: Not. Not I mean not.
Sally: I just don’t get it. This business should be booming! Do you think the woman with kids will tell her friends about us?
Guy 1: Women with kids are generally very social and outgoing.
Sally: I’m not entirely sure that’s an accurate portrayal of early motherhood but OK. Hey, let’s take a break from this busy schedule of pizza juice selling and go somewhere nice together.
Sally smiles and moves slightly closer to Guy 1.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Oh no! She’s plotting to kill me! What am I going to do next to get out of this?
Guy 1: Sure! Let’s go!
Sally grabbed his hand and led him on down the street. They walked together down the simple suburban streets with trees growing on every curb in a fashion that appeared to make a green tunnel of leaves to anyone looking down the road. Guy 1 would’ve been fascinated by how green this place was compared to where he was from in Australia but his mind was predisposed with wondering where Sally was taking him and “hey wow this is what a girls hand feels like”. After a while of brisk walking they jumped a fence and were no longer amongst houses. A large field filled with long grass lay before them. Sally walked onwards towards the centre with Guy 1 following. They lie down in a flattened patch of grass and look up at the late afternoon sky.
Sally: Isn’t this fun?
Guy 1: The sky is blank.
Sally: I know.
Guy 1: The sky is always blank where I come from.
Sally: Yes but the big wide blueness... it’s nice.
Guy 1 looks up at the big wide blueness in silence. It was definitely nicer than the big blue wetness also known as the ocean. He looked over at Sally. She was lying there completely distracted by staring at the sky. Her light green tank top blended nicely with the fading green colour of the grass. At a quick glance it could look as if she was just a head sitting there and smiling up at the sky. At first Guy 1 thought that was somewhat pleasant but then soon realised that no, a head just sitting there is quite horrific even if it was a very nice head. Sally indeed had a very nice head. Guy 1 thought her head was very nice. If anyone else was around to notice the niceness of her head they would definitely agree with Guy 1 on how nice it was, which was very. Guy 1 realised his thoughts were becoming very repetitive. Very repetitive indeed. They just kept repeating themselves. He needed a way out of this repetition of the same thing again and again. What to say though? Maybe he could comment on the shade of blue that the sky was-
Guy 1: You’re very pretty.
There was a pause as Sally didn’t move before her head (which was very nice) turned to look at Guy 1.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? I know you talk without thinking but surely ME, the mind, has SOME influence over you what with control over motor functions and all! Agh! She’s looking at me! She’s looking at me! What do I do!? Oh let’s hope she reacts well. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh.
Sally: (Pause) Hahahahahahaha!
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Please don’t laugh. Please don’t- awww...
Sally: Aww. You’re sweet.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) I don’t remember her licking me...
Sally touched Guy 1’s face and smiled.
Sally: What are you thinking?
Guy 1: I don’t remember you licking me.
Sally: Wha-? Oh! Hahahaha no not that kind of sweet silly! Oh you’re classic you are.
Guy 1 smiled.
Sally: Hey are your cheeks sunburnt or something? We haven’t been out here that long...
Guy 1: I’m not sunburnt.
Sally: Ahhh! Hahahaha.
Sally shuffled closer to Guy 1.
Sally: So you’re pretty shy aren’t you?
Guy 1’s head moves back as Sally’s gets closer.
Guy 1: (Meekly) No. What makes you think that?
Sally laughs.
Sally: Oh nothing.
Sally moves even closer to Guy 1. Her body was now touching his.
Sally: Your mouth is shaking.
Guy 1: N-no i-it’s n-not.
Sally laughed again.
Sally: You’re so funny!
Sally’s face moved closer to Guy 1’s. His head hit the ground and he realised he was trapped. It’s important to point out that he is still having random thoughts of her having led him here to kill him. Sally’s approaching smiling face and her arm moving it’s way around him didn’t help these thoughts. She looked like she was about to kill him by blocking off his mouth with hers thus robbing him of oxygen. Then it hit him. This was not a very slow arduous build up to a murder he couldn’t possibly fathom. She was trying to kiss him.
He was feeling very stupid right now for completely misinterpreting that!
Sally took his smile and increased blushing as encouragement to continue and go through with the kiss. She moved in and Guy 1 lifted his head towards hers. They closed their eyes and open their mouths slightly. He could feel her warm breathe as they were just about to make contact.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Guy 1’s phone rings. Sally jumps up in shock at the loud ringing. Guy 1 jumped downwards and hit his head on the ground.
Guy 1: Ow! Damn it!
Sally: You OK? Haha that scared me for a moment!
Guy 1: Damn it...
Guy 1 sighed before he answered his phone.
Guy 1: Hello?
Guy 2: Hey! Help me!
Guy 1: What’s wrong?
Sally: Who is it?
Guy 1: My friend.
Guy 2: Gary and I went walking into the woods and then we got lost! –(static)- bunch of woodland creatures chasing me and –(static)- to eat my skin! Oh no they found me! Agh! AGGGHHH!! SWEET-(static)- Oh that’s not for eating! Agh! Gghsdgsioerhuribvsiubso!
Guy 1: I think he wants to talk to you.
Guy 1 hands Sally the phone.
Guy 2: GOaGGHH!!! AGHYOORR –(static)- RTARRR!!!!! Hi Sally. Agghhh!!! He’s got my shoe! My shoooo –(static)- oooeeee!!! I need that for protecting my feet! Agh! They’re eating my unprotected feet!
Sally: You have really bad reception. Do you know which direction you were heading before you got lost? Stay where you are I’ll come find you. Is Gary there? Put him on!
Guy 2: Hey dude she wants to speak to you.
Guy 2’s screams continued in the background as Gary picked up the phone.
Gary: (click)
Sally: Where was the last place you remember knowing where you were?
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Sally: Good. I’ll be right there. Try to survive OK?
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Sally: Seriously? The woodland creatures are only attacking him not you?
Gary: (click)
Sally: Interesting. I’ll be right there.
Sally hung up the phone.
Sally: Come on.
Guy 1: What? Shouldn’t they call the police or something to help find them? And we can stay here and... continue... stuff.
Sally: We have this tradition in our family to help one another no matter what.
Guy 1: But... woods... furry creatures... nibbling on feet.
Sally: How did you hear that? He said that to me.
Guy 1: He was yelling pretty loud. Yelling makes me want to not go to where he is.
Sally: Well then if he continues to yell loudly in pain then it’ll be easier to find and rescue him.
Guy 1: But... but... (sighs) fine. I’ll help.
Sally: Good! Now we need to hurry because the sun is going to start setting any moment now and we need to find him before it gets too dark.
Sally starts to jog towards the woods.
Guy 1: Ugh... dark? (sighs)
Guy 1 follows.
Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary sitting on a log.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: That was pretty brave how you fought off those squirrels.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: I still don’t understand a thing you say to me. Can’t you click in Morse Code instead?
Gary shakes his head.
Guy 2: What? You don’t know how?
Gary nods.
Guy 2: You’re a man who communicates in clicking and you don’t know Morse Code? Damn. Well not that it matters because I don’t know it either. But it would’ve been more familiar to me than your system of clicks. Seriously how did you create a language system if you can’t communicate any other way?
Gary decided against pointing out that he wasn’t illiterate and could simply write things down. He felt that if he demonstrated this then Guy 2 would just constantly ask him to scribble in the dirt whenever he had a question.
Guy 2: I lost my shoe... one of the woodland creatures took it. Remember that? Now I have to walk without a shoe. My foot hurts... partly because a stick is poking it and partly because it’s covered in bite marks. I don’t like being bitten. You know in Australia if you get bitten you die. I wonder if I’m going to die of rabies. Do squirrels have rabies? I hope they don’t. I do not want rabies. There’s a hospital in Charleston right? Sorry it’s just I’m used to being in a city of a million instead of 20 000. How does it make you feel being in a small town? It makes my foot hurt.
Gary: (click) (click)
Guy 2: That could either mean “quite sad” in response to my question or “shut up” in response to the sound of my voice. I’m going to choose the former because I haven’t finished complaining about rabies. Rabies rhymes with babies which I am not fond of either. They just whinge and cry a lot. I can’t stand it when they just keep whinging and trying to get all the attention. Don’t you hate that too? I hate it. I’m hungry.
Gary gave into the need to demonstrate his ability to write. He picked up a stick and wrote in the dirt.
Guy 2: What are you writing? (Pause) “Shut your noisy face hole.” Oh... sorry.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: So what now?
Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click)
Guy 2: Uh huh... I suppose that was meant to be very in depth and intelligent speech about survival and getting home safely wasn’t it?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: I’m not enjoying this holiday...
Gary secretly agreed even though he was not on holidays either. Guy 2 got up and was about to move but Gary stopped him. Gary holds both hands up then points and him then Guy 2 before pointing to the ground in an attempt to communicate that they should stay where they are.
Guy 2: You want me to help you dig a hole? I don’t see how that’s productive.
Gary sighed. He sat down and pointed to his bent knees then pointed to Guy 2 and motioned downwards once again.
Guy 2: You’re pretending to be disabled and so can’t do labour and want me to dig the hole for you?
Gary hits his palm to his face.
Gary: (click) (click!)
Guy 2: Now just because you are disabled doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I’m leaving.
Gary gave up and let Guy 2 walk away. Guy 2 disappeared into the woods. Gary sat there for quite some time. He slowly started to feel guilty about letting Guy 2 walk off to almost certain doom. For the first time in his life he was starting to feel like he really was disabled.
Gary: (Thoughts) No, just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person... It may have just cost a man his life though. No! He’ll be alright! I know he will!
Gary felt a sudden urge to be lying on a couch back in town clicking on about his worries to his therapist. Yes, his therapist understood him. They let him write, click, draw or any other way he could imagine to communicate.
Gary: (click)...
Guy 1: I know how you feel.
Gary looked to his left.
Guy 1: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 1: So... what up?
Sally: Gary!
Gary: (click!)
Guy 1: Me!
Sally: Thank goodness you’re alright! You know you shouldn’t have strayed from the normal path! Where’s his friend?
Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click!)
Gary pointed in the direction that Guy 2 had walked off.
Sally: Ugh! Why didn’t you tell him not to walk off? How else are we going to find him?
Gary gave her an unimpressed look.
Guy 1: I’m surprised we even found you. We’re pretty far into the woods.
Sally: Do you think you can call him?
Guy 1 looked at his phone.
Guy 1: No sorry no reception.
Sally: Typical. Just when you need to venture deep into the middle of nowhere your phone reception gets cut off.
Guy 1: Cradle Mountain is one pain in the neck.
Sally: Where?
Guy 1: Just some place in Australia. It has nice lakes.
Sally: That sounds interesting. We should go there some time.
Guy 1: It’s in Tasmania. You’d like there it’s very green and natural.
Sally: Cool.
Gary: (click) (click) (click?)
Guy 1: Oh yeah my friend is still missing! Thanks for reminding me there Gary. Hey when’s your birthday?
Gary: (click?)
Sally: Now’s not the time. We need to find your friend and it’s starting to get dark.
Guy 1: What happens when things get dark?
Sally: Weird, strange, UNHOLY things happen!
Guy 1: Really?
Sally: No. It’s just nearly impossible to navigate in the dark and so we’ll get even more lost so we can’t found our way out the next day. That is assuming we don’t freeze to death in the cold.
Guy 1: So by cold you mean what? 20 degrees? Celsius?
Sally: That’s... 68 Fahrenheit. No think more like in the negatives.
Guy 1: I don’t like the negatives.
Sally: Negative numbers are indeed bad. So let’s go quickly now before anything bad or unexpected happens.
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 1: What the hell?
To be continued...
Sally: Wow! Business is really picking up!
Woman: Thanks. Here you go kids.
The woman hands cups to her two children and walks off.
Guy 1: Three people! That’s a, uh... three!
Sally: I love how you count. It’s cute.
Guy 1: Well maybe we can count down from 10 together sometime.
Sally: Did you just wink?
Guy 1: No!
Guy 1 blushes.
Sally: Are you blushing?
Guy 1: Definitely!....
Sally: Wha-
Guy 1: Not. Not I mean not.
Sally: I just don’t get it. This business should be booming! Do you think the woman with kids will tell her friends about us?
Guy 1: Women with kids are generally very social and outgoing.
Sally: I’m not entirely sure that’s an accurate portrayal of early motherhood but OK. Hey, let’s take a break from this busy schedule of pizza juice selling and go somewhere nice together.
Sally smiles and moves slightly closer to Guy 1.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Oh no! She’s plotting to kill me! What am I going to do next to get out of this?
Guy 1: Sure! Let’s go!
Sally grabbed his hand and led him on down the street. They walked together down the simple suburban streets with trees growing on every curb in a fashion that appeared to make a green tunnel of leaves to anyone looking down the road. Guy 1 would’ve been fascinated by how green this place was compared to where he was from in Australia but his mind was predisposed with wondering where Sally was taking him and “hey wow this is what a girls hand feels like”. After a while of brisk walking they jumped a fence and were no longer amongst houses. A large field filled with long grass lay before them. Sally walked onwards towards the centre with Guy 1 following. They lie down in a flattened patch of grass and look up at the late afternoon sky.
Sally: Isn’t this fun?
Guy 1: The sky is blank.
Sally: I know.
Guy 1: The sky is always blank where I come from.
Sally: Yes but the big wide blueness... it’s nice.
Guy 1 looks up at the big wide blueness in silence. It was definitely nicer than the big blue wetness also known as the ocean. He looked over at Sally. She was lying there completely distracted by staring at the sky. Her light green tank top blended nicely with the fading green colour of the grass. At a quick glance it could look as if she was just a head sitting there and smiling up at the sky. At first Guy 1 thought that was somewhat pleasant but then soon realised that no, a head just sitting there is quite horrific even if it was a very nice head. Sally indeed had a very nice head. Guy 1 thought her head was very nice. If anyone else was around to notice the niceness of her head they would definitely agree with Guy 1 on how nice it was, which was very. Guy 1 realised his thoughts were becoming very repetitive. Very repetitive indeed. They just kept repeating themselves. He needed a way out of this repetition of the same thing again and again. What to say though? Maybe he could comment on the shade of blue that the sky was-
Guy 1: You’re very pretty.
There was a pause as Sally didn’t move before her head (which was very nice) turned to look at Guy 1.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? I know you talk without thinking but surely ME, the mind, has SOME influence over you what with control over motor functions and all! Agh! She’s looking at me! She’s looking at me! What do I do!? Oh let’s hope she reacts well. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh.
Sally: (Pause) Hahahahahahaha!
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Please don’t laugh. Please don’t- awww...
Sally: Aww. You’re sweet.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) I don’t remember her licking me...
Sally touched Guy 1’s face and smiled.
Sally: What are you thinking?
Guy 1: I don’t remember you licking me.
Sally: Wha-? Oh! Hahahaha no not that kind of sweet silly! Oh you’re classic you are.
Guy 1 smiled.
Sally: Hey are your cheeks sunburnt or something? We haven’t been out here that long...
Guy 1: I’m not sunburnt.
Sally: Ahhh! Hahahaha.
Sally shuffled closer to Guy 1.
Sally: So you’re pretty shy aren’t you?
Guy 1’s head moves back as Sally’s gets closer.
Guy 1: (Meekly) No. What makes you think that?
Sally laughs.
Sally: Oh nothing.
Sally moves even closer to Guy 1. Her body was now touching his.
Sally: Your mouth is shaking.
Guy 1: N-no i-it’s n-not.
Sally laughed again.
Sally: You’re so funny!
Sally’s face moved closer to Guy 1’s. His head hit the ground and he realised he was trapped. It’s important to point out that he is still having random thoughts of her having led him here to kill him. Sally’s approaching smiling face and her arm moving it’s way around him didn’t help these thoughts. She looked like she was about to kill him by blocking off his mouth with hers thus robbing him of oxygen. Then it hit him. This was not a very slow arduous build up to a murder he couldn’t possibly fathom. She was trying to kiss him.
He was feeling very stupid right now for completely misinterpreting that!
Sally took his smile and increased blushing as encouragement to continue and go through with the kiss. She moved in and Guy 1 lifted his head towards hers. They closed their eyes and open their mouths slightly. He could feel her warm breathe as they were just about to make contact.
Guy 1: (Thoughts) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Guy 1’s phone rings. Sally jumps up in shock at the loud ringing. Guy 1 jumped downwards and hit his head on the ground.
Guy 1: Ow! Damn it!
Sally: You OK? Haha that scared me for a moment!
Guy 1: Damn it...
Guy 1 sighed before he answered his phone.
Guy 1: Hello?
Guy 2: Hey! Help me!
Guy 1: What’s wrong?
Sally: Who is it?
Guy 1: My friend.
Guy 2: Gary and I went walking into the woods and then we got lost! –(static)- bunch of woodland creatures chasing me and –(static)- to eat my skin! Oh no they found me! Agh! AGGGHHH!! SWEET-(static)- Oh that’s not for eating! Agh! Gghsdgsioerhuribvsiubso!
Guy 1: I think he wants to talk to you.
Guy 1 hands Sally the phone.
Guy 2: GOaGGHH!!! AGHYOORR –(static)- RTARRR!!!!! Hi Sally. Agghhh!!! He’s got my shoe! My shoooo –(static)- oooeeee!!! I need that for protecting my feet! Agh! They’re eating my unprotected feet!
Sally: You have really bad reception. Do you know which direction you were heading before you got lost? Stay where you are I’ll come find you. Is Gary there? Put him on!
Guy 2: Hey dude she wants to speak to you.
Guy 2’s screams continued in the background as Gary picked up the phone.
Gary: (click)
Sally: Where was the last place you remember knowing where you were?
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Sally: Good. I’ll be right there. Try to survive OK?
Gary: (click) (click) (click)
Sally: Seriously? The woodland creatures are only attacking him not you?
Gary: (click)
Sally: Interesting. I’ll be right there.
Sally hung up the phone.
Sally: Come on.
Guy 1: What? Shouldn’t they call the police or something to help find them? And we can stay here and... continue... stuff.
Sally: We have this tradition in our family to help one another no matter what.
Guy 1: But... woods... furry creatures... nibbling on feet.
Sally: How did you hear that? He said that to me.
Guy 1: He was yelling pretty loud. Yelling makes me want to not go to where he is.
Sally: Well then if he continues to yell loudly in pain then it’ll be easier to find and rescue him.
Guy 1: But... but... (sighs) fine. I’ll help.
Sally: Good! Now we need to hurry because the sun is going to start setting any moment now and we need to find him before it gets too dark.
Sally starts to jog towards the woods.
Guy 1: Ugh... dark? (sighs)
Guy 1 follows.
Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary sitting on a log.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: That was pretty brave how you fought off those squirrels.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: I still don’t understand a thing you say to me. Can’t you click in Morse Code instead?
Gary shakes his head.
Guy 2: What? You don’t know how?
Gary nods.
Guy 2: You’re a man who communicates in clicking and you don’t know Morse Code? Damn. Well not that it matters because I don’t know it either. But it would’ve been more familiar to me than your system of clicks. Seriously how did you create a language system if you can’t communicate any other way?
Gary decided against pointing out that he wasn’t illiterate and could simply write things down. He felt that if he demonstrated this then Guy 2 would just constantly ask him to scribble in the dirt whenever he had a question.
Guy 2: I lost my shoe... one of the woodland creatures took it. Remember that? Now I have to walk without a shoe. My foot hurts... partly because a stick is poking it and partly because it’s covered in bite marks. I don’t like being bitten. You know in Australia if you get bitten you die. I wonder if I’m going to die of rabies. Do squirrels have rabies? I hope they don’t. I do not want rabies. There’s a hospital in Charleston right? Sorry it’s just I’m used to being in a city of a million instead of 20 000. How does it make you feel being in a small town? It makes my foot hurt.
Gary: (click) (click)
Guy 2: That could either mean “quite sad” in response to my question or “shut up” in response to the sound of my voice. I’m going to choose the former because I haven’t finished complaining about rabies. Rabies rhymes with babies which I am not fond of either. They just whinge and cry a lot. I can’t stand it when they just keep whinging and trying to get all the attention. Don’t you hate that too? I hate it. I’m hungry.
Gary gave into the need to demonstrate his ability to write. He picked up a stick and wrote in the dirt.
Guy 2: What are you writing? (Pause) “Shut your noisy face hole.” Oh... sorry.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: So what now?
Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click)
Guy 2: Uh huh... I suppose that was meant to be very in depth and intelligent speech about survival and getting home safely wasn’t it?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: I’m not enjoying this holiday...
Gary secretly agreed even though he was not on holidays either. Guy 2 got up and was about to move but Gary stopped him. Gary holds both hands up then points and him then Guy 2 before pointing to the ground in an attempt to communicate that they should stay where they are.
Guy 2: You want me to help you dig a hole? I don’t see how that’s productive.
Gary sighed. He sat down and pointed to his bent knees then pointed to Guy 2 and motioned downwards once again.
Guy 2: You’re pretending to be disabled and so can’t do labour and want me to dig the hole for you?
Gary hits his palm to his face.
Gary: (click) (click!)
Guy 2: Now just because you are disabled doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I’m leaving.
Gary gave up and let Guy 2 walk away. Guy 2 disappeared into the woods. Gary sat there for quite some time. He slowly started to feel guilty about letting Guy 2 walk off to almost certain doom. For the first time in his life he was starting to feel like he really was disabled.
Gary: (Thoughts) No, just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person... It may have just cost a man his life though. No! He’ll be alright! I know he will!
Gary felt a sudden urge to be lying on a couch back in town clicking on about his worries to his therapist. Yes, his therapist understood him. They let him write, click, draw or any other way he could imagine to communicate.
Gary: (click)...
Guy 1: I know how you feel.
Gary looked to his left.
Guy 1: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 1: So... what up?
Sally: Gary!
Gary: (click!)
Guy 1: Me!
Sally: Thank goodness you’re alright! You know you shouldn’t have strayed from the normal path! Where’s his friend?
Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click!)
Gary pointed in the direction that Guy 2 had walked off.
Sally: Ugh! Why didn’t you tell him not to walk off? How else are we going to find him?
Gary gave her an unimpressed look.
Guy 1: I’m surprised we even found you. We’re pretty far into the woods.
Sally: Do you think you can call him?
Guy 1 looked at his phone.
Guy 1: No sorry no reception.
Sally: Typical. Just when you need to venture deep into the middle of nowhere your phone reception gets cut off.
Guy 1: Cradle Mountain is one pain in the neck.
Sally: Where?
Guy 1: Just some place in Australia. It has nice lakes.
Sally: That sounds interesting. We should go there some time.
Guy 1: It’s in Tasmania. You’d like there it’s very green and natural.
Sally: Cool.
Gary: (click) (click) (click?)
Guy 1: Oh yeah my friend is still missing! Thanks for reminding me there Gary. Hey when’s your birthday?
Gary: (click?)
Sally: Now’s not the time. We need to find your friend and it’s starting to get dark.
Guy 1: What happens when things get dark?
Sally: Weird, strange, UNHOLY things happen!
Guy 1: Really?
Sally: No. It’s just nearly impossible to navigate in the dark and so we’ll get even more lost so we can’t found our way out the next day. That is assuming we don’t freeze to death in the cold.
Guy 1: So by cold you mean what? 20 degrees? Celsius?
Sally: That’s... 68 Fahrenheit. No think more like in the negatives.
Guy 1: I don’t like the negatives.
Sally: Negative numbers are indeed bad. So let’s go quickly now before anything bad or unexpected happens.
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 1: What the hell?
To be continued...
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Mahedosat.
Hello. Yes, well now we have TWO currently unfinished serials going but trust me! They shall conclude soon. The Holiday is going to conclude at part 10 if all goes according to plan. Part 11 at the most. OK well to the point now. I'm going on holidays to the other side of the country for two weeks so I shall be travelling and generally not blogging or writing. In the meantime, I want to bring attention to something that recently happened back in Part 6 of CBM. Here is an extract from Part 6:
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
OK well that seems like a pretty simple enough section but for you sci-fi fans out there, you'll find a couple of nice references to different shows. Chuds and Ogrons. What sci-fi fans don't get is the reference to the Mahedosat. Let me tell you about this because I am certain you've never heard of it. OK well when writing this I was going through a slight cryptozoology phase and so that's where the references to Big Foot come from. The part is even named after the 1967 film where Big Foot was supposedly caught on camera and thus is the most famous piece of "evidence" for his existence. That's what the video footage of Guy 1 is parodying. OK now that I've explained all the cultural references we're still left with the Mahedosat. What is the Mahedosat?
I don't know.
I remember sitting down and writing that scene quite clearly! I wanted each thing to be something of importance. I wanted each thing to be a reference to something else so someone would watch it (back when I planned on filming it) and go "ahaha! I KNOW what that is! I'm so nerdy" I even remember walking around the house asking my parents for certain references to sci-fi ape like creatures. So it really confused me a year later when I sat down and reread it all. Mahedosat. Mahedosat. What was it? My first idea was that it came from the Cryptozoology A to Z Encyclopedia by Loren Coleman which I was reading at the time I had written the script. The very fact that I can actually recall his name and the book (nearly got the book title correct, had to look it up to make sure) shows how well I am capable of remembering things. Somehow the Mahedosat escapes me. (By the way, we're talking Loren Coleman the cryptozoologist/psychologist not the science fiction writer) So I went back to the library and got out the book again in the hopes of finding the answers. I assumed that because I was effectively parodying myself that I the Mahedosat was actually a large redheaded cryptid that I had read about but it wasn't.
So it has become this very odd mystery to me. What is the Mahedosat? That question has made me think for nearly two years now and I still can't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it. I swear I was trying to fill it with references and not something random that I made up. The only result on a Google search is a comment on someone's youtube channel where I ask them if they can figure it out (as a wager, to see how "smart" they were to go on a fools errand to discover what it was). So that's something very odd.
What is the Mahedosat?
Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?
Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!
Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!
Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!
Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.
Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!
Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.
Everyone gasps.
Worker 2: No… seriously?
Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.
(Pause)
Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.
OK well that seems like a pretty simple enough section but for you sci-fi fans out there, you'll find a couple of nice references to different shows. Chuds and Ogrons. What sci-fi fans don't get is the reference to the Mahedosat. Let me tell you about this because I am certain you've never heard of it. OK well when writing this I was going through a slight cryptozoology phase and so that's where the references to Big Foot come from. The part is even named after the 1967 film where Big Foot was supposedly caught on camera and thus is the most famous piece of "evidence" for his existence. That's what the video footage of Guy 1 is parodying. OK now that I've explained all the cultural references we're still left with the Mahedosat. What is the Mahedosat?
I don't know.
I remember sitting down and writing that scene quite clearly! I wanted each thing to be something of importance. I wanted each thing to be a reference to something else so someone would watch it (back when I planned on filming it) and go "ahaha! I KNOW what that is! I'm so nerdy" I even remember walking around the house asking my parents for certain references to sci-fi ape like creatures. So it really confused me a year later when I sat down and reread it all. Mahedosat. Mahedosat. What was it? My first idea was that it came from the Cryptozoology A to Z Encyclopedia by Loren Coleman which I was reading at the time I had written the script. The very fact that I can actually recall his name and the book (nearly got the book title correct, had to look it up to make sure) shows how well I am capable of remembering things. Somehow the Mahedosat escapes me. (By the way, we're talking Loren Coleman the cryptozoologist/psychologist not the science fiction writer) So I went back to the library and got out the book again in the hopes of finding the answers. I assumed that because I was effectively parodying myself that I the Mahedosat was actually a large redheaded cryptid that I had read about but it wasn't.
So it has become this very odd mystery to me. What is the Mahedosat? That question has made me think for nearly two years now and I still can't remember what I was thinking when I wrote it. I swear I was trying to fill it with references and not something random that I made up. The only result on a Google search is a comment on someone's youtube channel where I ask them if they can figure it out (as a wager, to see how "smart" they were to go on a fools errand to discover what it was). So that's something very odd.
What is the Mahedosat?
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Holiday Prt 8
Guy 1 and Sally are on the front lawn repainting the old lemonade stand. Andrew walks up.
Andrew: Selling lemonade I see... that reminds me of the time I was in Afghanistan trying to haggle with a local shopkeeper over the price of a hat. I nearly got him down to a low enough price for me to buy it...
Sally: I didn’t know you’ve gone to Afghanistan. When was this?
Andrew: It was just after I had visited the pyramids of Egypt.
Sally: I don’t remember you ever mentioning going to Egypt...
Andrew: Didn’t I? Oh. Well I did.
Sally: Right.
Andrew: Hey you do realise that if you’re selling lemonade you’ll be in direct competition with those McCloud boys across the street right?
Across the street three young boys stared intently at Sally.
Child 2: Do we have enough money to get her whacked?
Child 3: We have... uh... three dollars and fifty cents. Do you think if we combine all our pocket money for a month we’ll get enough?
Child 2: I doubt it...
Child 1: What should we do?
Child 2: Increase the nicotine content!
Child 2 takes a puff from a cigarette.
Back at the other side of the street Guy 1 was painting the wood.
Guy 1: Hey is this paint meant to taste sweet?
Sally: No. That means it’s got lead in it. It also means you’re doing your job wrong. Why are you tasting the paint?
Guy 1: Why are you stifling my creativity?
Sally: Because I want to.
Guy 1: OK then.
They both laugh.
Sally: But seriously though, don’t eat the paint...
Guy 1: OK.
Gary and Guy 2 walk out of the house.
Guy 2: Hey.
Guy 1: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: What you doing?
Gary: (click) (click?)
Guy 2: Are you copying me.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 and Sally.
Sally: He said no.
Guy 2: Right... anyway, selling lemonade?
Guy 1: No we’re going to change the sign and sell this.
Guy 1 passes him the bottle of pizza juice and Guy 2 takes a sip.
Guy 2: Wow! This tastes like pizza! It’s so good, I love it. I love it like I would a child if it brought me pizza instead of asking to be cared for.
Guy 1: Well when we get home we’ll buy you a slave orphan.
Guy 2: Thanks. Hey, Gary is going to show me the local area so we’ll be gone for a bit. Bye.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally: Bye Gary!
They all wave goodbye to each other and Gary and Guy 2 walk off.
Sally: Those two are getting along well. Hey! What did I say about tasting the paint?
Guy 1: My hand slipped!
Sally: Sure it did.
Guy 1: I have poor motor functions. Hey, do you think we could also sell this paint too?
Sally smiles and shakes her head.
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Aww... Hey uh... can you help me out of this paint can? My hand is stuck.
Sally: How did it get stuck?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Sally: How very Winnie the Pooh of you.
Guy 1: We must think think think.
Guy 1 taps his head with the hand currently stuck in the paint can.
Guy 1: Ow.
Sally: Or you could unclench yours fist and slip out of the can.
The paint can falls off Guy 1’s hand.
Guy 1: Oh yeah.
Andrew: You know I remember when I was in Africa how these tribesmen showed me a method of catching baboons by making a hole in a tree, putting something edible in there and letting the baboon reach in and grab it. It’s clenched fist was too large to get out and in the momentary confusion the men would jump out from hiding and grab the creature.
Guy 1: Oh good I’m being compared to a monkey.
Andrew: And losing. At least the monkey was after food.
Sally: Aww don’t worry I’m sure if you were to fight a monkey you’d come out on top.
Andrew: Baboons are very vicious creatures. I doubt it.
Sally: Aww don’t be so mean!
Sally hugs Guy 1.
Guy 1: Yeah... geez...
Sally: Did my father hurt your feelings?
Guy 1: (pause) yes.
Sally: Haha. Awww.
Sally hugs Guy 1 again and they both smile.
Sally: Come on let’s get this stall up before midday.
And that’s exactly what they did. They had painted the entire stand, gotten rid of the cobwebs, and found a place to put it near a footpath. Soon someone walked past holding a lamp.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: Why are you holding a lamp?
Man: Because it is my best friend.
Guy 1: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The man skips away. A second person arrives who looks exactly like the previous man but isn’t holding a lamp.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: Aren’t... you the person from 10 seconds ago only.... where’s your lamp?
Man: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The Man walks off completely normally.
Guy 1: That... was... huh?
A third man who is identical in every way to the previous one only holding a bunch of golf clubs walks up.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: (Pause) OK... you’re the guy from before only you’ve put down your lamp now have you?
Man: Lamp? What lamp?
Guy 1: The lamp! The lamp!
Man: (To Sally) is there a me-
Sally: No.
Guy 1: WE’RE SELLING PIZZA JUICE!
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
Guy 1: Come back here! I want to know where your lamp is!
As the man turns the corner the man with the lamp walks up to them from the opposite direction.
Guy 1: AGGHHH!!! LAMP!
Man: Yes. Do you want it?
Guy 1: But... but it’s your best friend.
Man: No it’s not. That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The Man does a cartwheel as he leaves.
Guy 1: But... but... agghhh! My head hurts!
Sally: This is very odd.
Guy 1: (nearly crying) There’s so many... so many...
Sally: I feel like Samuel Beckett is writing my life...
Guy 1: Or someone less famous but aspiring to be just as great...
Sally and Guy 1 pause and look straight forward at some imaginary point with a look on their faces before going back to what they were doing before.
Meanwhile, around the corner two of the triplets stood there giggling to themselves. The third triplet comes round holding his lamp.
Man 1: He’s breaking down!
Man 2: HAHAHAHA!
Man 3: Oh man this prank is hilarious! Let’s go find someone else to play it on.
Man 1: Haha! I swear his mind was about to explode!
Back at the pizza juice stand Guy 1 was shaking his head.
Guy 1: This country doesn’t make sense.
A person walks past.
Person: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: It’s... p... p... pizza juice...
Person: Uh... and what is that?
Guy 1: Try it. It tastes like pizza.
Guy 1 slowly hands the person some juice.
Guy 1: I know what you look like now. You can’t fool me.
Person: I wasn’t going to...
Sally: Just ignore him. He’s gone through a really traumatic experience.
Person: So that’s why he hasn’t blinked once or moved his eyes away from me since I said hello.
Sally: Yes. Just drink the juice. It’s really good.
The person takes a sip.
Person: Mmmm. This is really good.
Sally: If you want more you’ll need to pay.
Person: Of course.
The person hands over some money and leaves with pizza juice.
Person: Thanks!
Guy 1: If you come back you better be you and not someone who just looks like you!
Person: I’m walking away!
Sally: I think you’re not good with customer services.
Guy 1: What makes you say that?
Sally: Your lack of social skills. But don’t worry, I’ll be the head of the business and you can be in charge of numbers...
Guy 1 looks at her blankly.
Sally: No... OK no you can be... OK just stand here and look cute.
Guy 1: As in dress in baby clothes?
Sally: Hahaha- no. (Pause) There, there.
Sally pats Guy 1 on the shoulder.
Sally: OK! It’s enterprising time. We should get the word out about this pizza juice instead of just expecting people to walk past this calm suburban street.
Guy 1: Why?
Sally: Because it’s a calm suburban street. Nothing... happens here.
Guy 1: Oh. Oh yeah.
Sally: OK let’s brainstorm on marketing strategies.
Guy 1: Sky writing.
Sally: Mmmm no. Think smaller.
Guy 1: Ceiling writing?
Sally: Nearly. But feel free to break into people’s houses and write “Pizza Juice” on their ceilings.
Guy 1: (Happy) You mean I have permission?
Sally: Uh... sure. I was thinking maybe making pamphlets.
Guy 1: Like the ones at the doctors?
Sally: Have you ever read one of the pamphlets at the doctors?
Guy 1: No...
Sally: Ah. Well no, not like them.
Guy 1: OK.
Sally: You have a lot to learn in life don’t you?
Guy 1: Yes. I most likely do.
Sally: Well come on, perhaps I’ll teach you a few things while we design our promotional materials.
Sally leads Guy 1 back to her home and designs some promotional leaflets and advertising materials. As they make their way back to the stall Guy 1 listens to Sally as she enlightens him about the world.
Guy 1: Ahhhh! So that’s how taps work!
Sally: Yes. So water is no longer that mysterious magical thing made by clouds and taps?
Guy 1: I knew that! I just didn’t know how the pipe system worked.
Sally: Sure... your question was totally a clever disguise for you not knowing how water was made.
Guy 1: I think you’re reading too much into this.
Sally: Maybe I am. Now go young one! Distribute these advertisement materials to the public!
Guy 1: We keep referring to them as different things. Advertisement materials, promotional materials, pamphlets, leaflets, it’s confusing.
Sally: No it’s not. No one will care trust me.
Guy 1: OK.
Sally: So go out and knock on some doors. Don’t be shy this place is pretty friendly. I’ll man the stand and serve any customers that come.
Guy 1 walks off to find a suitably inviting household to knock on the door of. He walks up to one a few streets down and a blonde girl, about 18 or 19 answers the door.
Girl: Hello, how may I help you?
Guy 1: I’m handing out these promotional leaflets to inform you about the pizza juice stand that’s just over that way. We’re... selling it. It’s really good.
Girl: Pizza juice?
Guy 1: Yeah. It’s juice, but it tastes like pizza! It’s really awesome.
Girl: What kind of pizza? Hawaiian? Meat lovers? Vegetarian?
Guy 1: Well... obviously not Meat lovers no.
Man: (From within the house) Who’s that?
Girl: It’s some foreign guy with...
Guy 1: Advertising materials.
Girl: For... pizza juice.
Man: He’s got what?
Guy 1: A promotional pamphlet.
Man: Like from the doctors?
Guy 1: No.
Girl: Wait, is this a pamphlet, leaflet, or advertisement?
Guy 1: What?
Girl: You keep using different terms for it.
Guy 1: Curse you Sally! You lied to me!
Girl: Huh?
Guy 1 hands her a leaflet and runs away.
Girl: Your marketing strategy sucks! Running away yelling is not good business conduct!
Guy 1: I don’t care! And I’m not yelling!
Girl: You are now!
Guy 1: Curse you!
Girl: Still not good business conduct!
Man: Who was that?
Girl: I have no idea...
Guy 1 runs up to Sally.
Guy 1: The first house I went to did notice the change in names!
Sally: You didn’t visit the house two streets down, three houses across did you?
Guy 1: (Pause) Maybe.
Sally: Yeah they’re a stickler for language use. Trust me, everyone else won’t mind. But just stick to “promotional leaflet” to avoid confusion. Off you go now.
Guy 1 grudgingly walks back to his route around the nearby houses. He walks up to a dark and foreboding house with dilapidated roof shingles and dead trees in the
garden. He smiles and knocks on the door. Old Lady Patterson opens the door.
Guy 1: It’s you!
Old Lady Patterson: Yes! Tis I!
Guy 1: (Pause) Who are you?
Old Lady Patterson: I’m Old Lady Patterson.
Guy 1: Wait... your name literally is Old Lady Patterson?
Old Lady Patterson: Yes.
Guy 1: Your parents decided when you were born, and were an infant, that they’d call you “Old Lady”?
Old Lady Patterson: Yes.
Guy 1: Right. Well I’m selling pizza juice. What is this new product I hear you say? Well it’s a lovely mixture of juices that create a flavour similar to pizza.
Old Lady Patterson: Don’t you fear me boy?
Guy 1: What?
Old Lady Patterson: You better fear me. Because if I see you riding around in these parts again I’ll get you... you don’t belong here. I shall rise in the night to hunt you down and torture you endlessly unless you flee! Flee from this land and be
banished forthwith! I do not look kindly on strangers in these parts!
Old Lady Patterson shakes her first angrily near his face and holds it there.
Guy 1: Yes but... pizza juice... promotional... thing.
Guy 1 tries to put the pamphlet in her hand but it’s clenched.
Guy 1: Here just... yes take... OK hang on.
He puts down the rest of the pamphlets and then proceeds to try and pry open her hand with both hands.
Guy 1: Just relax... open. Yep, pizza... uh...
He gives up.
Guy 1: You know I’ll just leave it here... on the floor near your feet...
Guy 1 walks away.
Old Lady Patterson: I will find you boy! I will find you!
Guy 1: Why don’t you find some meds!?
Old Lady Patterson: Demon boy!
Guy 1: Everyone I meet is seriously weird.
Guy 1 had decided that after experiencing a sample space of two households that his strategy of talking directly to people wasn’t working. He decided that something new had to be done, something not involving talking to strangers – which as a socially maladjusted individual he preferred.
Half an hour later he returned to the pizza juice stall smiling.
Sally: I suppose you got the message out about this stall?
Guy 1: Oh yes. You did give me permission after all...
Sally smiled, not being completely aware of what he meant.
Meanwhile, the Girl that Guy 1 first visited looked up at her ceiling.
Girl: Dad...
Man: Yeah?
Girl: Someone wrote the words “Pizza juice” on the ceiling... Was it you?
Man: No.
Girl: Oh. Hmm.
She continues to stare at the ceiling.
To be continued...
Andrew: Selling lemonade I see... that reminds me of the time I was in Afghanistan trying to haggle with a local shopkeeper over the price of a hat. I nearly got him down to a low enough price for me to buy it...
Sally: I didn’t know you’ve gone to Afghanistan. When was this?
Andrew: It was just after I had visited the pyramids of Egypt.
Sally: I don’t remember you ever mentioning going to Egypt...
Andrew: Didn’t I? Oh. Well I did.
Sally: Right.
Andrew: Hey you do realise that if you’re selling lemonade you’ll be in direct competition with those McCloud boys across the street right?
Across the street three young boys stared intently at Sally.
Child 2: Do we have enough money to get her whacked?
Child 3: We have... uh... three dollars and fifty cents. Do you think if we combine all our pocket money for a month we’ll get enough?
Child 2: I doubt it...
Child 1: What should we do?
Child 2: Increase the nicotine content!
Child 2 takes a puff from a cigarette.
Back at the other side of the street Guy 1 was painting the wood.
Guy 1: Hey is this paint meant to taste sweet?
Sally: No. That means it’s got lead in it. It also means you’re doing your job wrong. Why are you tasting the paint?
Guy 1: Why are you stifling my creativity?
Sally: Because I want to.
Guy 1: OK then.
They both laugh.
Sally: But seriously though, don’t eat the paint...
Guy 1: OK.
Gary and Guy 2 walk out of the house.
Guy 2: Hey.
Guy 1: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: What you doing?
Gary: (click) (click?)
Guy 2: Are you copying me.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 and Sally.
Sally: He said no.
Guy 2: Right... anyway, selling lemonade?
Guy 1: No we’re going to change the sign and sell this.
Guy 1 passes him the bottle of pizza juice and Guy 2 takes a sip.
Guy 2: Wow! This tastes like pizza! It’s so good, I love it. I love it like I would a child if it brought me pizza instead of asking to be cared for.
Guy 1: Well when we get home we’ll buy you a slave orphan.
Guy 2: Thanks. Hey, Gary is going to show me the local area so we’ll be gone for a bit. Bye.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally: Bye Gary!
They all wave goodbye to each other and Gary and Guy 2 walk off.
Sally: Those two are getting along well. Hey! What did I say about tasting the paint?
Guy 1: My hand slipped!
Sally: Sure it did.
Guy 1: I have poor motor functions. Hey, do you think we could also sell this paint too?
Sally smiles and shakes her head.
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Aww... Hey uh... can you help me out of this paint can? My hand is stuck.
Sally: How did it get stuck?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Sally: How very Winnie the Pooh of you.
Guy 1: We must think think think.
Guy 1 taps his head with the hand currently stuck in the paint can.
Guy 1: Ow.
Sally: Or you could unclench yours fist and slip out of the can.
The paint can falls off Guy 1’s hand.
Guy 1: Oh yeah.
Andrew: You know I remember when I was in Africa how these tribesmen showed me a method of catching baboons by making a hole in a tree, putting something edible in there and letting the baboon reach in and grab it. It’s clenched fist was too large to get out and in the momentary confusion the men would jump out from hiding and grab the creature.
Guy 1: Oh good I’m being compared to a monkey.
Andrew: And losing. At least the monkey was after food.
Sally: Aww don’t worry I’m sure if you were to fight a monkey you’d come out on top.
Andrew: Baboons are very vicious creatures. I doubt it.
Sally: Aww don’t be so mean!
Sally hugs Guy 1.
Guy 1: Yeah... geez...
Sally: Did my father hurt your feelings?
Guy 1: (pause) yes.
Sally: Haha. Awww.
Sally hugs Guy 1 again and they both smile.
Sally: Come on let’s get this stall up before midday.
And that’s exactly what they did. They had painted the entire stand, gotten rid of the cobwebs, and found a place to put it near a footpath. Soon someone walked past holding a lamp.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: Why are you holding a lamp?
Man: Because it is my best friend.
Guy 1: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The man skips away. A second person arrives who looks exactly like the previous man but isn’t holding a lamp.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: Aren’t... you the person from 10 seconds ago only.... where’s your lamp?
Man: (To Sally) is there a mental institution nearby?
Sally: No.
Guy 1: Yes, we’re selling pizza juice.
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The Man walks off completely normally.
Guy 1: That... was... huh?
A third man who is identical in every way to the previous one only holding a bunch of golf clubs walks up.
Man: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: (Pause) OK... you’re the guy from before only you’ve put down your lamp now have you?
Man: Lamp? What lamp?
Guy 1: The lamp! The lamp!
Man: (To Sally) is there a me-
Sally: No.
Guy 1: WE’RE SELLING PIZZA JUICE!
Man: That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
Guy 1: Come back here! I want to know where your lamp is!
As the man turns the corner the man with the lamp walks up to them from the opposite direction.
Guy 1: AGGHHH!!! LAMP!
Man: Yes. Do you want it?
Guy 1: But... but it’s your best friend.
Man: No it’s not. That’s just crazy. Goodbye sir.
The Man does a cartwheel as he leaves.
Guy 1: But... but... agghhh! My head hurts!
Sally: This is very odd.
Guy 1: (nearly crying) There’s so many... so many...
Sally: I feel like Samuel Beckett is writing my life...
Guy 1: Or someone less famous but aspiring to be just as great...
Sally and Guy 1 pause and look straight forward at some imaginary point with a look on their faces before going back to what they were doing before.
Meanwhile, around the corner two of the triplets stood there giggling to themselves. The third triplet comes round holding his lamp.
Man 1: He’s breaking down!
Man 2: HAHAHAHA!
Man 3: Oh man this prank is hilarious! Let’s go find someone else to play it on.
Man 1: Haha! I swear his mind was about to explode!
Back at the pizza juice stand Guy 1 was shaking his head.
Guy 1: This country doesn’t make sense.
A person walks past.
Person: Hello. I see you are selling something.
Guy 1: It’s... p... p... pizza juice...
Person: Uh... and what is that?
Guy 1: Try it. It tastes like pizza.
Guy 1 slowly hands the person some juice.
Guy 1: I know what you look like now. You can’t fool me.
Person: I wasn’t going to...
Sally: Just ignore him. He’s gone through a really traumatic experience.
Person: So that’s why he hasn’t blinked once or moved his eyes away from me since I said hello.
Sally: Yes. Just drink the juice. It’s really good.
The person takes a sip.
Person: Mmmm. This is really good.
Sally: If you want more you’ll need to pay.
Person: Of course.
The person hands over some money and leaves with pizza juice.
Person: Thanks!
Guy 1: If you come back you better be you and not someone who just looks like you!
Person: I’m walking away!
Sally: I think you’re not good with customer services.
Guy 1: What makes you say that?
Sally: Your lack of social skills. But don’t worry, I’ll be the head of the business and you can be in charge of numbers...
Guy 1 looks at her blankly.
Sally: No... OK no you can be... OK just stand here and look cute.
Guy 1: As in dress in baby clothes?
Sally: Hahaha- no. (Pause) There, there.
Sally pats Guy 1 on the shoulder.
Sally: OK! It’s enterprising time. We should get the word out about this pizza juice instead of just expecting people to walk past this calm suburban street.
Guy 1: Why?
Sally: Because it’s a calm suburban street. Nothing... happens here.
Guy 1: Oh. Oh yeah.
Sally: OK let’s brainstorm on marketing strategies.
Guy 1: Sky writing.
Sally: Mmmm no. Think smaller.
Guy 1: Ceiling writing?
Sally: Nearly. But feel free to break into people’s houses and write “Pizza Juice” on their ceilings.
Guy 1: (Happy) You mean I have permission?
Sally: Uh... sure. I was thinking maybe making pamphlets.
Guy 1: Like the ones at the doctors?
Sally: Have you ever read one of the pamphlets at the doctors?
Guy 1: No...
Sally: Ah. Well no, not like them.
Guy 1: OK.
Sally: You have a lot to learn in life don’t you?
Guy 1: Yes. I most likely do.
Sally: Well come on, perhaps I’ll teach you a few things while we design our promotional materials.
Sally leads Guy 1 back to her home and designs some promotional leaflets and advertising materials. As they make their way back to the stall Guy 1 listens to Sally as she enlightens him about the world.
Guy 1: Ahhhh! So that’s how taps work!
Sally: Yes. So water is no longer that mysterious magical thing made by clouds and taps?
Guy 1: I knew that! I just didn’t know how the pipe system worked.
Sally: Sure... your question was totally a clever disguise for you not knowing how water was made.
Guy 1: I think you’re reading too much into this.
Sally: Maybe I am. Now go young one! Distribute these advertisement materials to the public!
Guy 1: We keep referring to them as different things. Advertisement materials, promotional materials, pamphlets, leaflets, it’s confusing.
Sally: No it’s not. No one will care trust me.
Guy 1: OK.
Sally: So go out and knock on some doors. Don’t be shy this place is pretty friendly. I’ll man the stand and serve any customers that come.
Guy 1 walks off to find a suitably inviting household to knock on the door of. He walks up to one a few streets down and a blonde girl, about 18 or 19 answers the door.
Girl: Hello, how may I help you?
Guy 1: I’m handing out these promotional leaflets to inform you about the pizza juice stand that’s just over that way. We’re... selling it. It’s really good.
Girl: Pizza juice?
Guy 1: Yeah. It’s juice, but it tastes like pizza! It’s really awesome.
Girl: What kind of pizza? Hawaiian? Meat lovers? Vegetarian?
Guy 1: Well... obviously not Meat lovers no.
Man: (From within the house) Who’s that?
Girl: It’s some foreign guy with...
Guy 1: Advertising materials.
Girl: For... pizza juice.
Man: He’s got what?
Guy 1: A promotional pamphlet.
Man: Like from the doctors?
Guy 1: No.
Girl: Wait, is this a pamphlet, leaflet, or advertisement?
Guy 1: What?
Girl: You keep using different terms for it.
Guy 1: Curse you Sally! You lied to me!
Girl: Huh?
Guy 1 hands her a leaflet and runs away.
Girl: Your marketing strategy sucks! Running away yelling is not good business conduct!
Guy 1: I don’t care! And I’m not yelling!
Girl: You are now!
Guy 1: Curse you!
Girl: Still not good business conduct!
Man: Who was that?
Girl: I have no idea...
Guy 1 runs up to Sally.
Guy 1: The first house I went to did notice the change in names!
Sally: You didn’t visit the house two streets down, three houses across did you?
Guy 1: (Pause) Maybe.
Sally: Yeah they’re a stickler for language use. Trust me, everyone else won’t mind. But just stick to “promotional leaflet” to avoid confusion. Off you go now.
Guy 1 grudgingly walks back to his route around the nearby houses. He walks up to a dark and foreboding house with dilapidated roof shingles and dead trees in the
garden. He smiles and knocks on the door. Old Lady Patterson opens the door.
Guy 1: It’s you!
Old Lady Patterson: Yes! Tis I!
Guy 1: (Pause) Who are you?
Old Lady Patterson: I’m Old Lady Patterson.
Guy 1: Wait... your name literally is Old Lady Patterson?
Old Lady Patterson: Yes.
Guy 1: Your parents decided when you were born, and were an infant, that they’d call you “Old Lady”?
Old Lady Patterson: Yes.
Guy 1: Right. Well I’m selling pizza juice. What is this new product I hear you say? Well it’s a lovely mixture of juices that create a flavour similar to pizza.
Old Lady Patterson: Don’t you fear me boy?
Guy 1: What?
Old Lady Patterson: You better fear me. Because if I see you riding around in these parts again I’ll get you... you don’t belong here. I shall rise in the night to hunt you down and torture you endlessly unless you flee! Flee from this land and be
banished forthwith! I do not look kindly on strangers in these parts!
Old Lady Patterson shakes her first angrily near his face and holds it there.
Guy 1: Yes but... pizza juice... promotional... thing.
Guy 1 tries to put the pamphlet in her hand but it’s clenched.
Guy 1: Here just... yes take... OK hang on.
He puts down the rest of the pamphlets and then proceeds to try and pry open her hand with both hands.
Guy 1: Just relax... open. Yep, pizza... uh...
He gives up.
Guy 1: You know I’ll just leave it here... on the floor near your feet...
Guy 1 walks away.
Old Lady Patterson: I will find you boy! I will find you!
Guy 1: Why don’t you find some meds!?
Old Lady Patterson: Demon boy!
Guy 1: Everyone I meet is seriously weird.
Guy 1 had decided that after experiencing a sample space of two households that his strategy of talking directly to people wasn’t working. He decided that something new had to be done, something not involving talking to strangers – which as a socially maladjusted individual he preferred.
Half an hour later he returned to the pizza juice stall smiling.
Sally: I suppose you got the message out about this stall?
Guy 1: Oh yes. You did give me permission after all...
Sally smiled, not being completely aware of what he meant.
Meanwhile, the Girl that Guy 1 first visited looked up at her ceiling.
Girl: Dad...
Man: Yeah?
Girl: Someone wrote the words “Pizza juice” on the ceiling... Was it you?
Man: No.
Girl: Oh. Hmm.
She continues to stare at the ceiling.
To be continued...
Friday, July 10, 2009
The Holiday Prt 6.
Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!
Guy 1 and 2 walk into the hall which opened up into a large living area. There were a dozen beautiful paintings on the walls, a lovely miniature bonsai garden in the corner and various antique furniture around the room. The entire room was a mixture of class and culture. All of which the Guy’s completely ignored because they were staring intently at the massive widescreen plasma TV on the wall.
Sally: Uh… are you drooling?
Guy 2: (absent minded) Yeah.
Sally: Do you want a tissue?
Guy 2: Yeah.
Sally: OK.
Sally walks off.
Guy 2: Yeah.
Sally comes back a moment later and puts the tissue in front of his face.
Guy 2: Huh? Oh. Um… thanks.
He holds the tissue.
Guy 2: It’s… what I’ve always wanted.
Sally: Of course it was.
Guy 2: (confused) Thanks.
Sally: You’re welcome.
A man with dark brown hair gets up from the couch and walks up to them.
Andrew: Hey Sally! Who are these fine young boys standing there drooling on my floor?
Sally: These are some guys I found on the side of the road. Their bus broke down so I gave them a lift. Can they stay here for a while? Their accommodations kinda burnt down to the ground.
Andrew: Well as long as they know how to use a mop then I have no problem with it. How about you Gary?
Gary: (click)
Andrew: Hahahaha! You’re a riot.
Andrew walks over to the Guy’s and shakes both of their hands hard. This wakes them up from their TV induced trance.
Guy 1: Hello! How are you?
Andrew: I’m good son. I’m good. How are you?
Guy 1: I’m good too.
Andrew: That’s good.
Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.
Andrew: Your drool is on my floor.
Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.
Andrew: Hey, you’re Australian.
Guy 1: Yes! Yes it is! I mean, I am. Yes I am.
Andrew: I went to Australia once. I went to all the great cities there. Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra…
Guy 1: Perth?
Andrew: No.
Guy 1: Oh…
Andrew: There’s nothing in Perth.
Guy 1: There’s Kings Park.
Andrew: Yeah but it’s only the size of Monaco. And the view is ruined by the ugly bell tower. And I hear the cities are filled with homeless people and if you’re going to find things to do then you can only do so much. It’s just Western Australia’s capital because all the other places are just towns too small to have their own city which is pathetic and- and you live there don’t you?
Guy 1: Yes.
Andrew: I don’t retract my statement.
Guy 1: I’ve rung one of those bells in the bell tower…
Andrew: Cool. I’m going to get the mop.
Guy 1: You do that.
Andrew leaves.
Sally: I didn’t know my father had gone to Australia before…
Guy 1: That guy was your father? He looks quite young.
Sally: Yeah.
Guy 1: For my first impression I drooled on his floor.
Sally: Yeah. You’re a unique one but you’re pretty cool.
Guy 1: Why was I drooling?
Sally: I think it had something to do with our massive TV. Do you want to watch it?
Guy 1: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to do it! Let’s lie down on the couch right now! How big do you think it is?
Andrew returns just in time to hear Guy 1. He stops in mid stride with the mop in his hands.
Andrew: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!
Guy 1 was completely uncertain what he had meant by that. So many things entered his mind he had no idea how to react. He sounded strangely happy so was he trying to be ironic? Was he secretly hiding his anger through a happy façade? Would he kill me if I did something to his daughter? Is he protective? Is this a trap? Is he just bonding with me? Is he trying to see if there’s something going on between me and his daughter? More importantly does he think I have a chance? Is this his attempt at humour? What kind of person is he?
Guy 1 merely freezes as he processes this. He then looks around the room trying not to look guilty and then just smiles to himself. He looks at Andrew smugly and defiantly.
Guy 1: May-be!
Andrew: Use protection.
Andrew starts to mop the floor. Once again Guy 1 tried desperately to interpret this. Wait; was that humour or an honest suggestion? What is Sally’s reaction? OK she’s shaking her head. Does that mean she’s embarrassed or just disapproving of the joke? Was it a joke? Oh I sure wish I could understand human behaviour better… I’m so maladjusted. I wonder if this is a good point in time to mention that I don’t know what foreplay is…
Sally: Hey you look deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?
OK is there a look on my face that gives it away? If so, does that mean she expects that I’m thinking so she’s encouraging me to say it? But if she is then why bother? No. I don’t think she’s psychic. Maybe I shouldn’t say… But what if she understands and helps me with this problem of not knowing? Do I take that chance? I wonder if she’ll teach me… hehehe… Once again, I’m not sure what it is so I’m not sure if I should be laughing or not… it just seems appropriate. Wait, no, I’ve stood here too long I should say something.
Guy 1: Hehehe.
Sally: Hahahaha! You’re so weird! Come on; let me introduce you to my mother.
Sally links her arm with Guy 1’s.
Guy 2: Hey what about me? Have you completely forgotten me?
Sally: Yes actually! Wow! Sorry. You can come to if you want… or you could stay here with Gary. I’m sure he’d love the company.
She points to Gary who is standing near the corner of the hallway staring intently at Guy 2.
Gary: (ominous click)
Guy 2: Uhh… I think I’ll meet your mother actually.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally: Aww, but he wants to spend time with you! Isn’t that right Gary?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: (Worried) How do you know that!?
Sally: See? He definitely wants you to leave the both of us alone.
Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m scared.
Guy 1: I’m sure you’ll be fine. Nothing bad ever happens in remote country towns with small populations and minimal police forces. Don’t you ever watch movies?
Guy 2: What? Like The Village? No.
Gary: (click)
Guy 1: What he said.
Guy 2: You don’t even understand what he said.
Guy 1: Sure I do… sort of… hey Gary, say something.
Gary: (click) (click?)
Guy 1: That meant… “How are you?” right?
Sally: Nearly. It was “who are you?” but that was good.
Guy 1: See? There’s a simple trick to it. You just have to listen carefully.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally and Guy 1: What he said.
Guy 1: Ha!
Sally: Awesome!
Sally and Guy 1: Simultaneous!
They hi-five each other.
Guy 2: I didn’t get that. It’s just clicking!
Gary: (Happy click)
Guy 2: Don’t you start! I have no idea what you said but I’m sure you’re mocking me!
Gary: (click?)
Guy 2: How do you click a question mark!?
Guy 1: He’s a very talented clicker.
Sally: He’s been doing it since a kid. He’s won all the local clicking contests.
Guy 2: This town is so boring it has to have clicking contests?
Sally: Haha no. I just wanted to try and fool you into thinking that we do. Come on; go with Gary to find clothes that will fit you.
She tugs on Guy 1’s arm and directs him out of the room.
Sally: My mother’s name is Cleo. She’s really cool…
Sally’s voice fades away. Guy 2 turns to look at Gary who has walked up to him and is now smiling eerily.
Andrew: Well I’m going to work now. Bye. Play nice kids.
Guy 2: You’re leaving?
Andrew: Yes. To go to work. Bye.
Andrew leaves the house.
Guy 2: So…
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: Yeah I… don’t know what you just said.
Gary: (click) (click)
Guy 2: You’re still just clicking… is it a pitch thing? Am I missing the different tones?
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: OK that was pointless I didn’t understand that.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: Please stop doing that.
Gary: (click)
Gary slowly paints towards a mysterious black door on the other side of the room. Gary looks at Guy 2 creepily with a huge smile on his face.
Guy 2: OK I’m pretty sure I know what that means…
Gary: (click!)
Guy 2: (scared) Uhh… are you sure you don’t want to stay out here… where there’s um… witnesses?
Gary: (click!)
Guy 2: OK! OK! I’m going…
Guy 2 follows Gary into the door and into Gary’s room. The door slams behind them and a click is heard just before Guy 2 gives out a short girlish scream.
Cut to: backyard.
Cecilia is hanging up clothes on the washing line to dry. She looks like an older version of Sally only with more freckles. She turns to see Guy 1 and Sally.
Sally: Hey mum!
Cecilia: Hey Sally! And hello to you too handsome young man.
Guy 1: Well that’s what they call me.
Sally: They call you “you too handsome young man”?
Guy 1: Hell yeah.
Sally and Cecilia laugh identical laughs. Cecilia suddenly stops and is serious.
Cecilia: Why are you here?
Sally: Mum. His bus broke down.
Guy 1: And I lost all of my luggage.
Sally: Then the hotel he was going to stay at burnt down.
Guy 1: And now I’m cold and lonely…
Sally: That… too. But basically he has nowhere to stay so can he stay here? Dad has no problem with it.
Cecilia: You know I love random strangers. Sure he can stay. My name’s Cecilia by the way.
Cecilia turns and leans close to Guy 1.
Cecilia: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!
Guy 1 suddenly felt like he’d been in this situation before… Aha! I have no idea why she’s inquiring this but I won’t make the same mistake I did last time. I’m not going to be the one caught off guard this time! I’m saying something!
Guy 1: Yes I am!
Cecilia and Sally both froze as they tried to process this. Guy 1 slowly started thinking that maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t be smiling ear to ear right now. There was complete silence for a moment before the sound of Sally hitting her forehead with her palm broke the tension. Sally sighed and started counting down on her fingers from three to zero. At zero Cecilia smiled and patted Guy 1 on the shoulder.
Cecilia: Use protection.
Sally: Mum!
Cecilia: What? It’s good advice!
Guy 1: She’s right. It is.
Sally: You and Dad are perfect for each other… it’s embarrassing.
Cecilia: We’re parents. It’s our job.
Sally: Can we move on from this?
Cecilia: Sure. So “you too handsome young man”, tell me about yourself.
Guy 1: Well I’m from Australia, I was born on a Tuesday and I really like to eat sandwiches.
Cecilia: Interesting. Have you got any hobbies?
Guy 1: Is eating sandwiches a hobby?
Cecilia: It could be. So what brings you to Charleston Illinois?
Guy 1: Because Charleston Arizona didn’t appeal to me. Nah, I won a free trip here.
Cecilia: Here? Well a free trip is a trip I suppose…
Guy 1: Yes I suppose it is.
Cecilia: Well welcome to Charleston, the place where trees grow!
Guy 1: I’ve always wanted to see trees!
Sally and Cecilia both laugh.
Sally and Cecilia: You’re weird.
Cecilia gives Sally a smug look while Sally looks at Cecilia partially terrified.
Cecilia: One of us… one of us…
Sally: No mum I’m not turning out like you!
Cecilia: One of us! One of us!
Sally: No!
Sally tries to cover Cecilia’s mouth but Cecilia pushes her hands away. They both laugh.
Cecilia: Haha! OK, well get your friend something to eat Sally and then go and show him the town. Don’t forget to show him the courthouse!
Guy 1: (Quietly) Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free!
Cecilia: Exactly!
Sally and Guy 1 walk back into the house.
Sally: So do you want something to drink?
Guy 1: Sure.
To Be Continued…
Sunday, April 12, 2009
The Holiday Prt 4
Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
The mugger raises his knife again.
Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?
Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!
Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!
Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)
Mugger: What?
Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)
Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!
Guy 1: Qué?
The Mugger walks off.
Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!
Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.
Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!
Guy 1: Yay for being alive!
Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?
Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!
Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?
Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.
Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?
Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.
Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.
Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!
The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.
Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…
The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.
Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?
Guy 1: This or death.
Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.
Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?
Guy 1: Why are you whispering?
Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!
Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.
Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.
Guy 2: What did you just do?
Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.
Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.
Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…
Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?
Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.
Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.
Guy 2: Not funny!
Guy 1: I’m sorry…
Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.
Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.
Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!
Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…
The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”
Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…
Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?
Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.
Guy 1: Any good stories?
Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.
Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.
Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.
Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.
Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.
The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.
Man with Lighter: What!?
He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.
Guy 2: They did what now?
Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”
Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?
Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.
Guy 2: Yeah, good point.
Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.
Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!
Guy 2: Oh please no…
Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…
The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.
Guy 2: What were you saying?
Guy 1: Um… Jelly!
Guy 2: No. No jelly…
Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.
Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!
Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!
Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?
Guy 2: The bus driver!
The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.
Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?
Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…
Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...
Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.
Guy 2: What the hell was that!?
The bus driver leant out the window.
Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!
The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.
Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.
Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.
Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.
Guy 1: Me too.
Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…
Guy 1: I suppose I did…
Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!
Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…
Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.
The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.
Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: Uh huh…
Guy 1: Hey wait a second…
The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.
Guy 1: I know you!
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.
Wizard: Yes! Tis I!
Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?
Wizard: How are you?
Guy 2: We flew here…
Wizard: So did I.
Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?
Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?
Guy 2: Um…
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…
Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?
Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…
Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.
Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.
Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?
The bus blows up.
Guy 2: What the hell!?
The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.
Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!
Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!
Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!
Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…
Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!
Guy 2: I’m sorry…
Guy 1: Pft…
Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?
Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.
Guy 2: So how well does that pay?
Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.
Guy 2: OK…
Off in the distance a car is approaching.
Guy 1: Hey look a car!
Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!
They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.
Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?
Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.
Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.
Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!
Sally laughs.
Sally: OK hop in.
They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.
Guy 1: Oh sorry-
Guy 2: No you-
Guy 1: If you insist-
Guy 2: No me!
They both struggle for the doorhandle.
Sally: Um, having trouble?
Guy 1 and 2: No!
They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.
Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?
Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!
Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?
To Be Continued…
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
The mugger raises his knife again.
Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?
Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!
Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!
Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)
Mugger: What?
Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)
Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!
Guy 1: Qué?
The Mugger walks off.
Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.
Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!
Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.
Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!
Guy 1: Yay for being alive!
Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?
Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!
Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?
Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.
Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?
Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.
Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.
Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!
The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.
Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…
The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.
Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?
Guy 1: This or death.
Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.
Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?
Guy 1: Why are you whispering?
Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!
Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.
Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.
Guy 2: What did you just do?
Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.
Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.
Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…
Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?
Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.
Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.
Guy 2: Not funny!
Guy 1: I’m sorry…
Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.
Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.
Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!
Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…
The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”
Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…
Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?
Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.
Guy 1: Any good stories?
Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.
Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.
Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.
Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.
Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.
The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.
Man with Lighter: What!?
He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.
Guy 2: They did what now?
Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”
Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?
Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.
Guy 2: Yeah, good point.
Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.
Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!
Guy 2: Oh please no…
Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…
The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.
Guy 2: What were you saying?
Guy 1: Um… Jelly!
Guy 2: No. No jelly…
Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.
Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!
Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!
Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?
Guy 2: The bus driver!
The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.
Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?
Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…
Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...
Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.
Guy 2: What the hell was that!?
The bus driver leant out the window.
Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!
The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.
Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.
Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.
Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.
Guy 1: Me too.
Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…
Guy 1: I suppose I did…
Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!
Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…
Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.
The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.
Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: Uh huh…
Guy 1: Hey wait a second…
The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.
Guy 1: I know you!
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.
Wizard: Yes! Tis I!
Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?
Wizard: How are you?
Guy 2: We flew here…
Wizard: So did I.
Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?
Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?
Guy 2: Um…
Wizard: I’m a wizard!
Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…
Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?
Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…
Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.
Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.
Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?
The bus blows up.
Guy 2: What the hell!?
The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.
Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!
Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!
Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!
Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…
Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!
Guy 2: I’m sorry…
Guy 1: Pft…
Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?
Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.
Guy 2: So how well does that pay?
Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.
Guy 2: OK…
Off in the distance a car is approaching.
Guy 1: Hey look a car!
Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!
They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.
Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?
Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.
Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.
Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.
Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!
Sally laughs.
Sally: OK hop in.
They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.
Guy 1: Oh sorry-
Guy 2: No you-
Guy 1: If you insist-
Guy 2: No me!
They both struggle for the doorhandle.
Sally: Um, having trouble?
Guy 1 and 2: No!
They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.
Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?
Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!
Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?
To Be Continued…
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Holiday Prt 3
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.
Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!
Guy 1: Gasp!
Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.
Guy 2: Was that it?
Captain: Yes. Yes it was.
Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?
Captain: I can't hear you...
Guy 2: Yes you can.
Captain: No I can't.
Guy 2: Yes you can!
Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?
Captain: Exactly.
Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...
Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...
Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.
Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...
Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.
Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-
Guy 2 closes his eyes again.
Captain: Be faithful-
Guy 2 opens his eyes.
Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.
Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.
Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!
Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal
Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.
Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.
Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.
Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!
The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.
Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?
Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!
Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!
Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.
Other Security guards rush over to the scene.
Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?
Guy 1: What'd you call me?
Security Guard 2: SILENCE!
The security guard spits on Guy 1.
Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?
Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...
The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.
Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!
Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.
Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!
Guy 1: Neither do I!
Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!
Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?
Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...
Guy 1: Come on!
Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!
Security Guard: You sound foreign.
Guy 2: We're Australian!
Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...
Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!
Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?
Guy 1: Only in school.
Security Guard 1: Aha!
The first security guard raises his fist to strike.
Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!
Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .
Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-
Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!
The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.
Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.
The Man starts typing at his computer.
Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?
Guy 1: Yes.
Man: Hmm?
Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...
Man: Very good...
The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.
Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?
Man: You.
The Man looked at Guy 2.
Guy 1: Ah OK.
Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...
Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...
Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.
Guy 1: I was.
Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.
Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.
Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!
Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.
Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.
Man: Hmm...
The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.
Guy 2: Hmm?
Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.
Guy 2: What?
Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.
Guy 2: Oh thank you!
They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.
Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?
Man: We know already that he's harmless.
Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.
Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...
Cut to: The car park of the airport.
Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!
Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?
Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!
Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.
Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?
Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.
Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.
The both get into the taxi.
Taxi Driver: Where to?
Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!
Taxi Driver: Rightio.
He drives off.
Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?
Guy 2: Um... sorta.
Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?
Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?
Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.
Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?
Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.
Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.
Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?
Taxi Driver: Yeah.
Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.
Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?
Guy 2: All the time.
Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.
Guy 2: You do that.
Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.
The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.
Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.
Guy 1 turns around.
Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?
Guy 2: No.
Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?
Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.
Woman behind counter: Here you go.
Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.
Guy 1: Thank you.
Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?
Guy 1: Australia.
Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.
Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.
Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!
Woman behind counter: Sorry?
Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!
The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.
Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!
Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?
Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?
Guy 2 smiles a bit.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…
Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?
Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!
The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Guy 1: I do not speak English!
To Be Continued…
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Holiday Prt 1
Guy 2 was calmly standing the shower brushing his teeth. He was starting to eye the soap, pretending he had no abnormal fears of this yellow bar of cleanliness, when suddenly Guy 1 opens the shower door.
Guy 1: Hey
Guy 2: WAAA!
Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...
Guy 2: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Guy 1: Looking for batteries.
Guy 2: I'm having a shower!
Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.
Guy 2: GET OUT! GET OUT!
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.
Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!
Guy 1: Thankyou.
Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.
Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?
Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.
Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.
He shivers.
Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.
Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.
Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.
Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.
Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?
Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.
Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?
Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?
Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!
Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.
Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.
Guy 1: Gafah!
Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!
Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.
Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?
Guy 1: No.
Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.
Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?
Guy 1: They also blew up.
Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?
Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?
Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?
Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!
Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!
Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?
Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.
Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.
Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.
Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...
Guy 2: You have a list?
Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.
Guy 2: You did wha-
Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!
Guy 2: Really? Wow!
Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!
Guy 2: Toronto?
Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!
Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?
Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.
Guy 2: Why Chicago?
Guy 1: Rhetorical!
Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.
Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.
Guy 2: Yes... it is...
Guy 1: To Google Earth!
Cut to: Guy 2's computer.
Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.
Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?
Guy 1: 42.
Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...
Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.
Guy 2: See? Illinois.
Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.
Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.
Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.
Guy 2 sits there.
Guy 1: Well?
Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...
Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.
Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.
Guy 1: Hehehe.
Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.
Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.
Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.
Guy 1: Neither does your mum.
Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...
Cut to: The supermarket.
A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....
Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.
Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.
Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.
Guy 1: There. All done.
Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.
Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.
Guy 2: Um... yeah.
Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.
Guy 2: Right.
Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.
Guy 2: I guess so.
Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.
Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?
Guy 1: I already did that.
Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.
Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?
Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.
Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?
Guy 1: What makes you think that?
Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?
Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.
Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?
Guy 1: In an hour.
Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?
Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.
Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...
Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?
Guy 2: Near the phone.
Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.
Person: Hello.
Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.
Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.
Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.
Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.
Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?
Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.
Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.
Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.
Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.
Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.
Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.
Man: OK... Where do you live?
Guy 1: Rhetorical!
Man: Huh?
Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Man: OK.
Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.
Guy 1: Hello.
Man: Hello.
Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?
Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.
Man: OK.
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 1: Hehehe...
Guy 2: What are you laughing at?
Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.
Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.
Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!
Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.
Guy 1: Wha?
Guy 2: Suck.
Guy 1: Dammit...
The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.
To Be Continued...
Guy 1: Hey
Guy 2: WAAA!
Guy 1: Where do you keep the batteries? Because your TV remote is dead...
Guy 2: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?
Guy 1: Looking for batteries.
Guy 2: I'm having a shower!
Guy 1: Yeah I know. Good luck with your constant battle with arid skin and bacteria. TV remote.
Guy 2: GET OUT! GET OUT!
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 1 goes to leave. He turns around and is about to speak.
Guy 2: In the kitchen! Next to the phone!
Guy 1: Thankyou.
Guy 1 leaves and Guy 2 sighs. He looks down and suddenly sees his is holding a bar of soap.
Guy 2: Gah! How the hell did that happen!?
Guy 2 drops the bar of soap and quickly puts his hands in the stream of water.
Guy 2: Must... get rid of... soap.
He shivers.
Cut to: Guy 1 in the kitchen.
Guy 1 is holding a TV remote in one hand and a double D battery in the other. He looks at the two thoughtfully.
Cut to: Guy 1 in the living room.
Guy 1 picks up the remote. There is a large amount of sticky tape and aluminium foil attached to it. Guy 2 walks into the living room, his hair is damp.
Guy 2: Hey what y- what happened to the remote?
Guy 1: The battery wouldn't fit so I had to connect the wires to it by using aluminium foil, scissors and sticky tape. Sticky tape is magic you know.
Guy 2: No... what? Why didn't you use normal batteries? The ones designed for things like TV remotes?
Guy 1: Hey I just found an ingenious way to adapt a TV remote to take any kind of battery I want and you're pointing flaws in this?
Guy 2: Yes! Yes I am!
Guy 1: Well.... it hurts my feelings.
Guy 1 presses the power button and the TV turns on at the same time the TV remote explodes.
Guy 1: Gafah!
Guy 2: You broke my TV remote!
Guy 1: Dude you know you can just walk to the TV and use the buttons on it.
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 evilly. Thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered his head.
Guy 2: You do realise the irony of that statement right?
Guy 1: No.
Guy 1 throws the TV remote into a bin next to the couch. The bin is full of remotes.
Guy 2: Wait, why are all the remotes in that bin?
Guy 1: They also blew up.
Guy 2: The remote for the VCR... the DVD player... my WII-MOTE! You blew up my WIIMOTE?
Guy 1: Yes. That was a stupid rhetorical question. You can see the Wiimote. It's obviously blown up. Look. It's in pieces. Can't you see it?
Guy 2: Yes. I can... shut up. By the way, how did you get into my house?
Guy 1: Once again. Rhetorical!
Guy 2: No it's not! I don't know how you ever get into my house! You're worse than Rorschach!
Guy 1: (Gasps) You know Rorschach!?
Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Yes... Yes I do.
Guy 1: Cool! Well anyway, I'm here for a reason.
Guy 2: To perve on me in the shower? Congratulations you've done that already.
Guy 1: No that's just one of the things on my list...
Guy 2: You have a list?
Guy 1: Rhetorical! Shut up I'm talking. You know those annoying banner ads that say "You are the 1 millionth viewer! Click here for your free holiday! This is not a joke!" Well... turns out they aren't actually jokes. They're laden with Trojans and spyware and will most likely steal your credit card information but they actually do give you that free holiday! Oh yeah, plus your computer is now full of viruses.
Guy 2: You did wha-
Guy 1: We're going to Disney Land!
Guy 2: Really? Wow!
Guy 1: No! Hahaha fooled you! We're really going to other, less appealing, parts of America!
Guy 2: Toronto?
Guy 1: Only if we have time. No, we're going to Charleston Illinois!
Guy 2: But.... where is.... that?
Guy 1: I don't know! But we're going there! Well not directly there because they don't have an international airport so we're landing in Chicago first.
Guy 2: Why Chicago?
Guy 1: Rhetorical!
Guy 2: No it's not! Oh wait, yeah... Chicago is in Illinois.
Guy 1: No it's not you idiot.
Guy 2: Yes... it is...
Guy 1: To Google Earth!
Cut to: Guy 2's computer.
Guy 2 is trying to open Google Earth. Everything is going slowly and advertisements for porn keep popping up.
Guy 2: Bloody hell. How many viruses did you download?
Guy 1: 42.
Guy 2: Oh F- B- Yo- Oh never mind...
Google Earth finally opens and Guy 2 types in Chicago.
Guy 2: See? Illinois.
Guy 1: Cool. OK so let's pack.
Guy 2: But I never agreed to going.
Guy 1: Too bad. I kinda borrowed five grand from a loan shark in your name so if you don't go on this holiday with me he'll kinda hunt you down and break your legs.
Guy 2 sits there.
Guy 1: Well?
Guy 2: Legs broken... or go on an extended holiday with you...
Guy 1: Do you want to sleep on this decision?
Guy 2: Yeah.
Guy 1: Too bad. They'll probably come for you at night. Like vampires... only with baseball bats.
Guy 2: OK fine I'll come with you.
Guy 1: Hehehe.
Guy 2: No... just... no. That was not a chance for an inappropriate joke.
Guy 1: You're face isn't an inappropriate joke.
Guy 2: That doesn't make sense.
Guy 1: Neither does your mum.
Guy 2: No... she doesn't. I don't even know where she is...
Cut to: The supermarket.
A man walks past the avocados. He is unaware that a female head is slowly rising up from underneath them and watching him intently....
Cut to: Guy 2's bedroom.
Guy 1: OK let's take all of this.
Guy 1 grabs and entire draw and dumps it into a suitcase. He then closes the suitcase and hands it to Guy 2.
Guy 1: There. All done.
Guy 2: You just unloaded my sock draw. I'm not just wearing socks. I'll get arrested.
Guy 1: Fine.
Guy 2 starts packing shirts and pants. Guy 1 whistles as he looks around Guy 2's room.
Guy 1: Hey wow you have posters on your walls.
Guy 2: Um... yeah.
Guy 1: That's cool. You know I like posters. Posters are cool.
Guy 2: Right.
Guy 1: Much better than just putting four pieces of blu-tac on the walls. That's just weird.
Guy 2: I guess so.
Guy 1: I once ate blu-tac.
Guy 2: Why are you talking? Why aren't you at home packing?
Guy 1: I already did that.
Guy 2 walks over to his cupboard and starts taking out jackets and jumpers.
Guy 2: So how long are we on this holiday for? What are we doing?
Guy 1: We're going for about two weeks and we're sightseeing. He you should pack your Hawaiian shirt.
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: So everyone will know we're tourists and give us respect and help and welcome us into their country.
Guy 2: You've never been abroad have you?
Guy 1: What makes you think that?
Guy 2: Just a hunch. Well I think I've just about done packing. What next?
Guy 1: We call a taxi of course.
Guy 2: Right now? When is the plane taking off?
Guy 1: In an hour.
Guy 2: What? This is the most poorly planned holiday ever! You waited a bit over an hour before we take off to tell me we're going to another country?
Guy 1: Yeah... you'd have time to think of a way out of it if I had given you advanced notice.
Once again thoughts of dark woods and shovels entered Guy 2's mind. It'd be so easy in a small place as Charleston and he'd be going back to Australia before anyone ever noticed he was missing...
Guy 1: Where's the yellow pages?
Guy 2: Near the phone.
Guy 1 walks to the phone in the other room and looks up "Taxi". He dials a number.
Person: Hello.
Guy 1: Hello. I'd like to hire a taxi.
Person: Um, we're not a taxi service. We're a taxi truck service.
Guy 1: Oh... I don't know the difference.
Person: Well we transport cargo. Not people.
Guy 1: What if I put myself in a box and ask you to deliver me to the airport?
Person: Transportation of live human bodies is illegal sir.
Guy 1: What if I paid you an extra five dollars? It could be our little secret.
Person: I don't drive the trucks. I'm sorry sir.
Guy 1: Fine. Goodbye.
Guy 1 hangs up and looks at a different number and calls it.
Guy 1: Hello I'd like to get a taxi from... this house... to the airport.
Man: OK... Where do you live?
Guy 1: Rhetorical!
Man: Huh?
Guy 1: Oh woops... I mean 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Man: OK.
Guy 1 hangs up. He suddenly has an idea. He rings up the place again.
Guy 1: Hello.
Man: Hello.
Guy 1: I'd like a taxi for 51 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Man: Didn't you just order a taxi?
Guy 1: I have no idea what you are talking about sir. I am definitely a brand new and unique customer who has not called you any time present or past.
Man: OK.
Guy 1 hangs up.
Guy 1: Hehehe...
Guy 2: What are you laughing at?
Guy 1: I ordered a Taxi for the person across the street.
Guy 2: I do that all the time. It's no longer that funny anymore... It's pretty childish now if you ask me.
Guy 1: Well I'm not asking you. So let me have my childish fun!
Twenty minutes later the Taxi arrived just outside the house. Guy 2 and Guy 1 put their baggage in the boot then get in. As the Taxi drives off Guy 1 can see another Taxi drive up to the house across the street. He laughs to himself thinking the taxi driver would be sitting there for twenty minutes. Suddenly someone gets out of the house and runs into the Taxi.
Guy 1: Wha?
Guy 2: Suck.
Guy 1: Dammit...
The Taxi they were in turned the corner and continued towards the airport.
To Be Continued...
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