"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The Holiday Prt 5.

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
Part 4 Here:

Sally had the most wonderful wavy peach blonde hair that flowed down onto her lightly tanned shoulders that were clearly visible. Her light-green tank top was tight against her body showing off her exquisite curves.

Cameraman: Oh you can so tell a man wrote that…

Guy 1 and 2: Go away! You’re not in this story!

They go back to staring at her soft, feminine shoulders.

Sally: Hey are you listening to me?

Guy 1: No.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Yeah you are you answered my question! You silly goose you.

Guy 1: Yeah… silly.

Guy 1 blinks several times and shakes his head.

Guy 1: Yes! I’m a goose!

Sally laughs again.

Sally: You’re so funny! Haha you’re going to make me laugh so much we crash and die!

Guy 2: Can you make sure only he dies and we get out alive?

Sally: Haha! Oh you.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m starting to like this holiday now.

Guy 1: That’s nice. You can leave now.

Sally: So where are you guys from?

Guy 1 and 2: Australia!

Guy 2: Yeah I wrestle crocs for a living.

Guy 1: Yeah well… I wrestle him for a living!

Guy 2: What?

Sally: Wow. Well G’day mate!

Guy 2: No one says that.

Guy 1: G’day!

Sally: Throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Guy 2: We call them prawns.

Guy 1: And he wrestles them for a living!

Sally: I’d love to see that!

Guy 2: Well I’ll give you a special private show if you want me to.

Sally: No way! I need to bring the girls around.

Guy 2: OK! I like where this is going.

Sally: To see you and your shrimp.

Guy 1 cracks up laughing. Guy 2 punches him on the shoulder but he keeps laughing.

Sally: Hey I’ve been driving for hours do you mind if we pull over so I can stretch my legs?

Guy 1: No I don’t mind your legs at all.

Sally: Haha that’s not quite what I meant but thank you anyway.

Sally pulls over and gets out. Guy 1 and 2 also get out. Sally stretches and looks at the sky.

Sally: The sky is so beautiful out here… I could just stare at it for days on end.

Long pause. Guy 1 looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs then looks back at Sally. Long pause.

Guy 1: But you’re not going to… right?

Sally: No of course not! Mmmmaybe tomorrow though. Want to join me?

Guy 2: Sure!

Sally: I was asking him.

Guy 2: Oh.

Guy 1: Yeah OK.

Guy 1 looks at Guy 2 smugly. Guy 2 looks back with a look of disdain.

Sally: OK well we’d better get going again.

Guy 1 and 2 turn to get back into the car, but Sally rushes over so she’s in front of them.

Sally: But first you must fight me! Hiyah!

Sally pretends to punch both of them before kicking the air.

Sally: Haha I’m just kidding come on let’s go.

Guy 1 relaxes from his defensive stance. They all get into the car and continue their drive towards Charleston.

Sally: So what are you doing here in America?

Guy 2: This idiot decided to click on a bunch of banner ads and infected my computer with viruses after he borrowed money from a loan shark in my name and so if we don’t go on this holiday and somehow find a bunch of money then I’m going to have my legs broken. So you know… it’s all his fault.

Sally: Oh don’t be so harsh on the poor guy! He got you a lovely holiday in a beautiful country to a darling place that no one ever goes to.

Guy 2: No one ever goes to Charleston?

Sally: Bahahaha! Except us of course.

Guy 2: What’s actually in Charleston?

Sally: Trees. And houses.

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Sally: We’ve also got a courthouse! You like justice right?

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! I love justice!

Sally and Guy 1: Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free! Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s there to protect me! Justice is good, never ever ever wrong, ever feel down, sing the justice song! Because we’re defending civil rights yeah! Defending civil rights. Gotta love those rights ‘cause they help our civil plights. Break it down!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2. Guy 2 just sits there.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Awww! Don’t you know the Justice Song?

Guy 2: Um… no.

Sally: Sigh!

Guy 1: Sigh indeed.

Guy 2: Where would I get a hold of the Justice Song?

Sally: I don’t know. You either just know the song or you don’t.

Guy 1: Yeah you social reject.

Guy 2: OK list how many friends you have then…

Guy 1: Um… you… cameraman… uh… Sally! Sally’s my friend right aren’t you Sally?

Sally: I sure am! You’re my Justice Buddy!

Guy 1: Yes! I finally have a Justice Buddy! Oh yeah and Steve.

Guy 2: Steve?

Guy 1: Yeah Steve. You know… he’s got hair… on his head. Eyeballs? Nose? Is any of this ringing a bell?

Guy 2: Oh so he’s… a mammal then?

Guy 1: Yeah! He’s a mammal.

Sally: Yay for mammalia! Hey well we’re nearly at Charleston. Do you guys know where you’re staying?

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Um… oh. Oh! Yes, Queen Anne’s on 7th Street Bed and Breakfast!

Guy 1 looked very proud of himself.

Guy 2: It sounds nice.

Sally: To 7th Street then!

Guy 1: Hoorah!

They continue to drive onwards. They arrive at Charleston and Guy 1 and 2 stare out the windows taking it all in, the trees and buildings, the teenagers walking along laughing, the strange old hunch-backed lady pointing directly at the car with a sneer on her face, all of it. Guy 1 realised his nose had been pushed up against the glass which explained why he couldn’t breathe properly. He moved slightly away from the windowpane and realised he had left a mark that looked like a demented face on the glass. He tried to rub it off but it refused to be cleaned away. The car stops.

Sally: Um…

Guy 1: What?

Guy 1 and 2 turn to look at what Sally had stopped in front of. It was the Queen Anne’s on 7th Street. It was on fire.

Guy 1: Agh!

Sally: Agh indeed!

Man on Fire: AAAGGHHHHH!!!

The man ran into the front of the car, screamed at the windscreen, ran to the side of the car and looked in before screaming again. He then went around the car and screamed at the other window. He then ran around in a circle before running off.

Guy 1: I wonder what his problem was.

Guy 2: What are we going to do now? This is so unfair on us!

The man on fire returned to scream and Guy 2 before running off again.

Guy 2: My thoughts exactly! Urgh… what are we going to do now?

Sally: Well perhaps calling the fire brigade would be a good plan.

Guy 2: Nah, someone else has probably done that already.

Cut to: Local fire station.

Man on Fire runs up to a bunch of fire-fighters who are sitting around.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: That man is on fire! What is it man on fire? Where’s the fire?

The Man on Fire points.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: Let’s go!

The fire-fighters all rush into their trucks and drive off towards the fire. The Man on Fire looks around and sees no one. He looks down at his still flaming arms.

Man on Fire: Agh? Agh…

Cut to: Sally’s car.

Guy 2: So what now?

Sally: Have you got like, a back up place to stay?

Guy 1: No. Not really…

Sally: Oh.

Guy 2: Great.

Sally: Well you could always stay at my place if you want.

Guy 1 and 2 paused for a moment. There was an almost audible click as the clogs in their brain suddenly came together and realised what had just been offered to them. Their smiles got larger than they ever thought they could and they suddenly started wondering about the size of things…

Guy 1 and 2: YES! YES! OK! SURE!

Guy 1: We’d love to!

Guy 2: That’d be great!

Guy 1: Thank you thank you thank you!

Guy 2: You’re so awesome!

Guy 1: Yay for Sally!

Guy 2: Yay indeed!

Guy 1: Have my babies!

Sally: Hahaha! Wait- what?

Guy 1: Um… you know… being a parent is quite hard so if you could just… take my babies away from me… forever… that’d be greatly appreciated.

Sally: You’re a father?

Guy 1: Haha no. No I’m not.

Sally: I didn’t think so.

Guy 1: Awww you got me! Awww.

Sally: Aww! Oh well! Well OK guys we’re going to my house!
Guy 1 starts celebrating in the back of the car.


Sally: Whoa! You’re a bit of a loud fella aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? Oh… so that wasn’t inside my head then?

Sally slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 1 hangs his head, embarrassed.

Guy 1: (Quietly) Yes. Woo. Awesome. Yeah…

Guy 2: Still not in your head.

Guy 1: Shut up!

Ten minutes later they arrive at Sally’s house. It looked similar to the rest of the suburban homes around it. A teenager, probably 16 or 17 years of age, steps out of the house and hugs Sally.

Sally: Hey guys, meet my younger brother, Gary.

Guy 1: Hello.

Guy 2: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Excuse me?

Sally: Oh he’s mute. He communicates in a series of clicks.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: That means hello.

Guy 2: (click) (click)

Sally: No don’t do that. He’s not deaf so finds people clicking at him mockery.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was “yes” right?

Sally: No. Think four letters. OK, well Gary can take your lugg- Wait.

Guy 2: What? Oh…

Sally: Did you guys actually… bring anything?

Guy 2: Oh great!

Guy 1: What? What? What’s going on? I’m quite oblivious to your cause of distress!

Guy 2: We forgot our luggage! We left it on the bus!

Guy 1: Oh… aw dammit! And I had some important stuff!

Guy 2: Such as?

Guy 1: Not telling you. It’s personal.

Cut to: Side of the road. The passengers of the bus sit opposite the burning wreckage.

Black Man: OK I’ve recovered what I can from the luggage on board…

He looked at the tag attached to the suitcase he was holding.

“Please do not steal this - xo.”

Black Man: Hey who doesn’t want me to steal their luggage?

Everyone puts their hand up slowly and slightly confused.

Man: Well it’d be best if you um… didn’t?

Black Man: No there’s a note… oh never mind.

He opens up the case and sees a bunch of Pokemon plush toys.

Black Man: Who here likes Mudkips?

Man: Oh for crying out loud. Let it die! That is an overused internet meme!

Black Man: No I meant… this doll… here.

Cut to: Sally’s house.

Guy 1: Well do you think we can go back?

Guy 2: They were probably all destroyed in the explosion.

Guy 1: Dammit!

Sally: Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Gary won’t mind lending you some clothes and you can always just buy a few new clothes from the local store here. It’ll be very touristy! Come on! I’ll help you shop!

Guy 1: Really? That’d be awesome.

Sally: Oh a guy actually enthusiastic about shopping. I like that.

Guy 1: Hehe…

Guy 2: Dude… are you blushing?

Guy 1: (Defensively) No! Stop looking at me!

Guy 1 covers his face with his hands. Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on inside I’ll show you around.

She leads them up the stairs and opens the door. Guy 2 walks in first then, Guy 1, who is still covering his face, walks into the wall right next to the door. Sally laughs.

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

To Be Continued…