"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Holiday Prt 3

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.

Guy 2: Was that it?

Captain: Yes. Yes it was.

Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?

Captain: I can't hear you...

Guy 2: Yes you can.

Captain: No I can't.

Guy 2: Yes you can!

Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?

Captain: Exactly.

Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...

Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...

Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.

Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...

Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.

Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-

Guy 2 closes his eyes again.

Captain: Be faithful-

Guy 2 opens his eyes.

Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.

Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.

Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!

Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal

Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.

Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.

Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.

Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!

The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.

Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?

Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!

Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!

Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.

Other Security guards rush over to the scene.

Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?

Guy 1: What'd you call me?

Security Guard 2: SILENCE!

The security guard spits on Guy 1.

Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?

Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...

The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.

Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!

Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.

Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!

Guy 1: Neither do I!

Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!

Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?

Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...

Guy 1: Come on!

Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!

Security Guard: You sound foreign.

Guy 2: We're Australian!

Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...

Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!

Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?

Guy 1: Only in school.

Security Guard 1: Aha!

The first security guard raises his fist to strike.

Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!

Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .

Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-

Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!

The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.

Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.

The Man starts typing at his computer.

Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?

Guy 1: Yes.

Man: Hmm?

Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...

Man: Very good...

The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.

Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?

Man: You.

The Man looked at Guy 2.

Guy 1: Ah OK.

Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...

Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...

Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.

Guy 1: I was.

Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.

Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.

Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!

Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.

Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.

Man: Hmm...

The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.

Guy 2: Hmm?

Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.

Guy 2: What?

Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.

Guy 2: Oh thank you!

They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.

Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?

Man: We know already that he's harmless.

Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.

Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...

Cut to: The car park of the airport.

Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!

Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?

Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!

Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.

Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?

Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.

Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.

The both get into the taxi.

Taxi Driver: Where to?

Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!

Taxi Driver: Rightio.

He drives off.

Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?

Guy 2: Um... sorta.

Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?

Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?

Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.

Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.

Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.

Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?

Taxi Driver: Yeah.

Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.

Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?

Guy 2: All the time.

Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.

Guy 2: You do that.

Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.

The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.

Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.

Guy 1 turns around.

Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?

Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.

Woman behind counter: Here you go.

Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!

Woman behind counter: Sorry?

Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!

The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.

Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!

Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?

Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?

Guy 2 smiles a bit.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…

Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?

Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!

The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Guy 1: I do not speak English!

To Be Continued…


  1. i love it. all of it.

    i've had a couple of drinks, and read the entire blog for the first time, so i answered your little poll honestly. are all of your followers are drunks?

  2. You're my ONLY follower so yeah.... yeah ALL my followers are drunk unfortunately...

  3. Haha, can I borrow your imagination??
    The more I read this the more awesome I think it is. :)