"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Monday, November 30, 2009

CBM 10: A Curse on your Family and your Goat

Guy 1 is sitting down opposite to Girl 1. Girl 1 has a packet of skittles. She takes one out and puts it into her mouth. Guy 1 looks at her and she looks back. She slowly reaches out and eats another one.

Guy 1: Can I have one?

Girl 1 puts another one into her mouth and slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Please?

Girl 1 pauses and then eats another one. She shakes her head again. Guy 1 looks around as the clock ticks.

Guy 1: So… enjoying those skittles?

Girl 1 nods and eats another.

Guy 1: You know I’ve never told anyone one this… but…

There’s a knock at the door.

Guy 1: Oh he’s finally here!

Guy 1 gets up and opens the door and lets Guy 2 in.

Guy 2: Wait… what are you doing in my house?

Guy 1: Waiting for you…

Guy 2: How’d you get in?

Guy 1: Through the door…

Guy 2: That’s not what I meant.

Guy 1: Hey have you ever noticed that your hair is brown?

Guy 2: Uh… yeah… I have…

Guy 2 walks into the kitchen where Girl 1 is.

Guy 2: Oh cool! Skittles! Can I have some?

Guy 2 holds out his hands and Girl 1 pours some in. She turns to Guy 1 and pokes her tongue out at him. Guy 2 shoves them into his mouth and tries talking with his mouth full.

Guy 2: Fank-oo.

Girl 1 goes back to eating the skittles.

Guy 1: Oh that’s not fair!

Guy 2: What isn’t?

Guy 1: Oh never mind. So did the leader of the SAC tell you what this ceremony involves?

Guy 2: No. I assume it’s just a few speeches a reciting of an oath a handshake and some food afterwards. You know how boring these sorts of things are.

Guy 1: Oh yeah.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair listening to a speech. Guy 1 slowly dozes off and falls over.

Cut to: Guy 1 staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: Uh… hello?

Guy 1: Yes hello.

Guy 1 waves but is still staring at the ceiling.

Guy 2: You know I really wonder why I put up with you sometimes… I really-

Guy 1’s phone starts ringing and Guy 1 takes it out.

Guy 1: Yeah. Hello… yeah that’s me… what’s that? Fifty thousand pounds by the end of the week? Yeah…

Guy 1 puts his hands gently over the mouthpiece and turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Don’t worry it’s just a bunch of retarded terrorists demanding a ransom. I’ve learnt to smooth talk these losers into doing what I want.

Guy 1 puts the phone back to his ear.

Guy 1: Oh… you heard what I just said? Oh… hundred thousand pounds by the end of today now is it? OK… yeah… uh huh… my mother you say… no I don’t watch barney the dinosaur… oh come on the term “heathen” is so harsh can’t you… no? OK… yep… yes, yes I’ve already had that curse put on me before I keep telling you people I don’t have any goats to die of the plague… OK yeah. Bye… yes and so is your mother!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: What do terrorists have that you need to pay that much for?

Guy 1: Oh they’ve kidnapped my girlfriend because she was caught infiltrating their camps in the attempt to free some Iranian hostages. Don’t worry she’ll escape soon enough and murder them horribly in cold blood…

Guy 2: That’s comforting to know…

Guy 1: Yes I know… it helps me sleep at night knowing that their rotting dead corpses will litter the desert…


Guy 2: OK you’re creeping me out now.

Guy 1: Yeah I get that a lot.

Guy 2: I’d assume so…

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: (Sarcastic) Now who could that possibly be?

Guy 1 puts his hand up.

Guy 1: Oh! Oh! (Pause) Oh! I know! I know!

Guy 2: Anyone else?

Girl 1 looks at them back to straight forward and eats another skittle.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: It’s… uh… oh I forgot…

Guy 2: OK whatever. I’m answering the door now.

There’s another knock at the door.

Guy 2: Yeah I’m coming!

Guy 2 opens the door and sees no-one.

Guy 1: Who is it?

Guy 2: It was a prank there’s no one there.

Guy 4: Ahem!

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh holy (BEEP)! You scared me half to death…

Guy 4: Uh… OK…

Guy 3 and 5 come through the door.

Guy 3: Ceremony time and… yeah…

Everyone looks at Guy 3.

Guy 1: Lame!

Guy 3: Shut up! At least my hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 1: My hair isn’t a wig!

Guy 3: Prove it!

Guy 1: OK I will.

Guy 1 grabs his hair and starts pulling.

Guy 1: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Guy 3: You’re not really pulling it!

Girl 1 grabs Guy 1’s hair and starts pulling it.

Guy 1: OK ow! That hurts! Agh!

Guy 4: Now look what you’ve started…

Guy 3: Yeah I know. It’s funny watching them try to pull his hair out.

Guy 4: Yeah I guess you’re right!

Guy 4 and Guy 3 watch Guy 1 and Girl 1 try to pull Guy 1’s hair out.

Guy 4: Ha!

Guy 3: Hey do you want to bet on if she pulls out a big chunk?

Guy 4: Depends. How much you got on you?

Guy 3: About ten bucks.

Guy 4: You’re on.

Guy 2: OK it’s funny but now it’s just sad. OK we believe you! You’re hair is real!

Guy 1: Oh good.

Girl 1 yanks it again.

Guy 1: Ow! What’d you do that for!?

Girl 1 shrugs and smiles.

Guy 4: Morons! Pay attention!

Guy 5: Does that mean I don’t have to pay attention to you?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 5: Are you sure?

Guy 4: Yes. OK everyone let the ceremony begin!

Guy 3: Duh duh duuuuhh!

Guy 4: Please stop doing that.

Guy 3: No… at least I have a sense of theatre.

Guy 4: OK… now first we must give you all codenames so as to protect your identity… now tell me your name starting with… you.

Guy 4 points to Guy 1. Guy 2 gasps and the camera zooms into Guy 1. Everyone leans forward in anticipation.

Guy 2: This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Guy 3: Huh?

Guy 2: He has never told anyone I know his name. Even I don’t know it.

Everyone is staring at Guy 1 except Girl 1 who is reading a book. Guy 1 looks side to side with his eyes and opens his mouth. Guy 2 leans closer with a smile on his face.

Guy 1: Do I have to say it… in front of you know… everyone? Can I just whisper it in your ear?

Guy 4 sighs.

Guy 4: OK fine.

Guy 1 leans forward and whispers in Guy 4’s ear. He leans back and Guy 4 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: Really?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: But… if… then… but… really!?

Guy 1 nods.

Guy 4: I see…

Guy 2: What was it!? What is it!?

Guy 4: Oh I can’t tell you.

Guy 2: Why not?

Guy 4: Trust me if you knew you’d know why you shouldn’t know.

Guy 2 pauses and thinks.

Guy 2: Wait… huh?

Guy 4: You’re not meant to know.

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: OK now your codename will be… “Crazy Bilby”.

Guy 1: (Sighs) Fine… even though it is a really retarded name. What kind of moron would have that as an alias by their own free will?

Everyone pauses and looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: But… I want to know his name!

Guy 4: I’m not telling you.

Guy 2: But… I’ll be your best friend…

Guy 4: Just a second… what’s that word I’m looking for? The one that starts with… NO!

Guy 2 makes whining noise and starts mumbling and looking disappointed.

Guy 4: Hey! I heard that! You take that back! My mother did not! (Gasps) I look nothing like a sailor!


Guy 2: Yes you do.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 28, 2009

CBM 9: Return of the Pizza Guy

The Pizza Guy walks up to the door and knocks.

Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.

Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?

Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…

Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.

Guy 2: Now!

Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.

Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!

Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.

Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!

Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.

Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?

Guy 1 gets up.

Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.

Guy 2 chortles.

Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.

Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.

Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…

Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?

Guy 2: Make me.

Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.

Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…

Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?

Worker 1: Uh… no…?

Worker 2: Never mind then.

Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.

Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?

Worker 2: Name?

Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?

Worker 2: Meh who cares?

Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.

Worker 2: Shut up.

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.

Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!

Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!

Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.

Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!

Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?

Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.

Worker 4 looks sad.

Worker 4: I am who I am!

Worker 4 turns away and cries.

Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 1: Why I ortta-

Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

Worker 2: Now who could that be?

Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-

Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.

Girl 2: Hey!

Worker 1: Hey.

Worker 2: Hey.

Worker 3: Hey.

Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…

Worker 4 goes back to crying.

Girl 2: What’s up with…?

Girl 2 points.

Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.

Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.

Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!

Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!

Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!

Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.

Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.

Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?

Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?

Girl 2: Because your face asked.

Worker 1: That makes no sense.

Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Worker 1: Quiet you.

Cameraman: You want to make me?

Worker 1: No… not really.

Cameraman: Thought so…

Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?

Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.


Girl 2: Go on…

Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.


Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?

Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.

Worker 1 puts their pinky down.

Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.

Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!

Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!

Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!

Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?

Girl 2: Yes!

Worker 2 and 3: Yes!

Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…

Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.

Worker 1: So how about it?

Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?

Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.

Girl 2: All of the wall?

Worker 1: Yes… all of it.

Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.

Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.

Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?

Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…

Girl 2: Yes! Score!

Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.

Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.

Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!

Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?

Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.

Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.

Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?

Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…


Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.

Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!

Worker 3: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…

To be continued...

Thursday, November 26, 2009

CBM 8: Light Switch... Light... Switch

Guy 1: So how long until that annoying pizza guy comes?

Guy 2: In a while.

Guy 2 looks at his watch.

Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.

Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…

Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?

Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?

Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.

Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?

Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.

Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.

Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!

Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?

Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!

Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.

Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?

Cameraman: OK!

Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.

Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?

Guy 2: Sure why not?

The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.

Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.

Guy 4: Ahem… down here.

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh… come on in…

Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.

Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!

Guy 2: No stop!

Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.

Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…

Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.

Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.

Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.

Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!

Guy 1: You!?

Guy 4: Yes!


Guy 1 bursts out laughing.

Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!

Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!

Guy 1: And you sound like one!

Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!

Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?

Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?

Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.

Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?

Guy 2: A selfish one.

Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.

Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?

The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.

Mother: Hello and where are you from?

Guy 4: England.

Mother stands up.

Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.

She shows him to the nearest light switch.

Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.

Guy 2: Mum…

Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…

Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.

Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.

Guy 2: Mum!

Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.

Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!

Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?

Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!

Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.

The Mother walks away.

Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?

Guy 1: Slightly!?

Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.

Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!

Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…

Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?

Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.

Guy 2: SAC.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.

Guy 4: What does it stand for?

Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.

Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.

Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!

Guy 4 nods.

Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?

Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…

Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?

Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…

Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.

Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?

Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…

Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.

Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.

Guy 1: Wow…

Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.

Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.


Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.

Guy 2 puts down the gun.

Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.

Guy 1: Dude…

Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.

The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.

Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…

Guy 2: Oh you remember now!

Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?

Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?


Guy 1: No.

Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.

Guy 1: Who?

To be continued...

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

CBM 7: Sesame Street

Cut to: Guy 1 walking down the path next to the shops.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.

Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.

Worker 2: Roger that.

Worker 1: Don’t say that.

Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…

Worker 1: That would be why.

Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.

Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?

Guy 2: Sesame Street.

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: The adult version.

Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!

Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.

Elmo: Not good enough.

There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.

Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.

Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…

Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.

Guy 1: So much blood…

Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?

Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…

Ernie: But it’s all yellow!

Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-

Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.

Guy 1: That was… horrific…

Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…

Guy 1: No… just horrific.

Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.

Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.

Guy 2: Or that…

Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.

Guy 2: Why not?

Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.

Guy 2: OK fine…

Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.

Guy 2: Yoink!

Guy 2 turns the TV back on.

Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!

Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!

Guy 1: Please make it stop!

Guy 2: OK fine.

Guy 2 turns it off.

Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?

Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.

Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.

Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…

Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.

Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?

Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?

Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?

Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…

Guy 2: OK.

Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…

Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.

Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.

Guy 1: It always is.

Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?

Guy 1: I don’t know.

Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.

Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.

Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.

Worker 1: Hello…

Dark figure: Hello.

Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?

Dark figure: Why are you?

Worker 1: Good point.

Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.

Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…

Worker 1 looks at his palm.

Worker 1: The SAC.

Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?

Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.

Worker 2: What makes you say that?

Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.

Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.

Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.

Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.

Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…

Worker 1: OK then…

Worker 1 turns back to the phone.

Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.

Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.

Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.

Worker 2: I suggest we call it-

Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!

Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!

Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.

Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!

Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.

Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!

Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!

Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!

Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!

Worker 1: Well… you should…

Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…

Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?

Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?

Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?

Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.

Worker 1: Trust me… I do…

Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.

Worker 1: Headquarters?

Worker 2: My house.

Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-

Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?

Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-

Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.

Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.

Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!

Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.

To be continued...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

CBM 6: The 1967 Film

Guy 2: OK can we all stop talking about my weight?

Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!

Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?

Cameraman: School.

Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…

Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?

Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?

Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…

Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.

Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?

Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?

Guy 4: Fascinating…

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?

Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?

Guy 2: What game are you playing?

Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!

Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?

Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!

Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.

Guy 1: But-

Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.

Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.

Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.

Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!

Guy 4: Get over it.

Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.

Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…

Guy 2: Too much information.

Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 3: Gah!

Guy 4: Come on lets go.

Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.

Guy 4: I command you to come.

Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.

Guy 2 turns to everyone else.

Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?

Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?

Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.

Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.

Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?

Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.

Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!

Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.

Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.

Guy 2 hits himself on the head.

Guy 2: Ugh…


A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.

Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!

Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.

Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-

Worker 2: To reveal the killer!

Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…

Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.

Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…

Worker 2 puts up his hand.

Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?

Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…

Worker 2: Oh…

Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.

Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.

Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?

Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!

Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!

Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!

Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.

Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!

Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.

Everyone gasps.

Worker 2: No… seriously?

Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.


Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.

Worker 5: That’s a good one!

Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.

Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.

Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.

Worker 4: No once cares what you think.

Worker 5: My mum does…

Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.

Everyone gasps including Worker 1.

Worker 3: Why did you gasp?

Worker 1: I don’t know.

Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?

Worker 1: What do you mean?

Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?

Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.

Worker 1: I see… the TV…

Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.

Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.

Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.

Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?

Worker 2: Oh nothing…

Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.

Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.

Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.

Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?

Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?

Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…

Worker 2: My point exactly.

Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…

Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.

Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?

Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.

They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.

Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?

Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.

To be continued...

Friday, November 20, 2009

CBM 5: The Very Interesting Wall

Guy 1: Answer me or I’ll kick you in the head you little midget!

Guy 4 puts his hand on Girl 1’s shoulder.

Guy 4: If you ever feel like people are ignoring you just call me.

Girl 1 slowly grabs his hand and brushes it off her shoulder. She gives him a toothless smile and shakes her head.

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 4 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 4: Sorry were you saying something?

Guy 1: We’re not members of the secret society yet?

Guy 4: Yes… you’re not part of the…

Guy 4 leans forward and looks side to side. Guy 1 looks around confused.

Guy 4: Secret society yet.

Guy 1: Why does everyone keep looking in random directions?

Guy 3: I can answer that… it all started…

Guy 3 turns around and faces the wall with a distance look on his face.

Guy 3: Many years ago…

Guy 1: Oh no! I’m not having another flashback! They’re boring, stupid and distracts the viewer from the total lack of plot so get back to the part about us not being members and stop looking at the wall!

Guy 3: But I’m so happy when I look at walls…

Guy 1: OK fine he can stare at the wall while we talk.

Guy 5: Oh can I stare at the wall too?

Guy 1: Uh… why are you asking me?

Guy 5 shrugs and goes over to the wall with Guy 3.

Guy 5: So… it’s a wall…

Guy 3: Yeah… pretty cool wall?

Guy 5: Are you gay?

Guy 3 looks at him confused.

Guy 3: What?

Guy 5: Ha ha I made you stop looking at the wall.

Guy 3: You are so annoying you know that?

Guy 5 nods.

Guy 4: Yes like I said you’re not part of this…

Guy 1: If you look around the room I’m going to kill you.

Guy 4: Secret… society… yet because you have not gone through… the initiation!

Guy 3 and 5 turn around and go “duh duh duuuhhhh!” before turning back to the wall. Guy 1 looks at them strangely and shakes his head and goes back to looking at Guy 4.

Guy 1: O… K… so…

Guy 2: That was odd.

Guy 1: Yes it was. Thanks for interrupting me.

Guy 2: You’re welcome.

Guy 1: Anyway… initiation… is this going to involve any paddles?

Guy 4: No…

Guy 1: You promise?

Guy 4: Yes! I promise there will be no flamboyantly homosexual spanking with paddles of any kind…

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness… I remember the last time I was initiated into something…

Guy 2 and Girl 1 edge away from Guy 1.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah like I was saying… why should we go through an initiation just for this secret society?

Guy 4: Because I have magic powers and can make it appear like there’s two of me.

Guy 4 walks up next to Guy 4. The clones look at each other up and down and smile.

Guy 4: Wow… I’m pretty good looking…

Guy 4 clicks his hands and points to his clone and vice-versa.

Guy 4: Ehhhh!

Guy 4 puts his hands up to his mouth in the shape of a phone and mouths the words “call me” as the clone walks away.

Guy 1: Interesting…

Guy 2: Wow… to the untrained eye that would’ve looked like a cheap camera trick but it was really actually amazing.

Guy 1: I agree… although that was a bit disturbing…

Guy 2: Quite.

Guy 1: Indeed.

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Shut up!

Guy 1: OK.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: You shut up too!

Guy 2: Sorry.

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Will you stop talking in one-worded sentences before I kill you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: Maybe.

Guy 2: Depends.

Guy 4: OK you two stop talking lets hear from her for a minute shall we?

Guy 4 points to Girl 1. Everyone stares at her and she looks around with her eyes. She looks up as if trying to think and there’s a long pause as everyone continues staring at her. She then opens her mouth and raises a finger as if about to speak.

Guy 1: Nah this is boring let’s get back to the initiation business.

Guy 2: I agree.

Guy 1: Quite.

Guy 2: Indeed.

Girl 1 looks shocked and her mouth is wide open. She hits Guy 1 and then crosses her arms and looks straight ahead.

Guy 1: Ow.

Guy 2: Yes.

Guy 1: Indeed.

Guy 4: If you keep this up you’re not getting in.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Guy 4: OK to get through the initiation you must do a series of ridiculously stupid and retarded tasks to make sure you’re absolutely set on being part of the society and to also maintain your insanity excuse.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Cameraman Hi-fives Guy 2 then Guy 1 then goes to Girl 1. She’s still sitting with her arms crossed. She looks at the hand and sighs. She Hi-fives cameraman unenthusiastically and goes back to crossing her arms.

Guy 4: Yes… the following tasks are as such… remember that they are truly moronic and anyone who does these without trying to get into a secret society is a moron… first you must search for aliens in plain sight.

Guy 1 looks uncomfortable.

Guy 4: You must tell everyone the world is ending… you must constantly hang up on telemarketers in ridiculously stupid ways in an attempt to make people laugh, which you will always fail at, you must also beat your teddy bear up with a plastic sword and post it on the internet.

As Guy 4 says these things a short clip of these happening is played between them.

Guy 1: O… K… if we’ve already done these things do we need to do them… again? You know because a friend of mine wants to know.

Guy 4: Your friend is a loser… and yes… you do…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 1 breathes out loudly.

Guy 1: Again? Hmm… o… k… I guess I could… do them again… you know… if it for… you know… a secret society… I guess…

(Long Pause)

Guy 2: Indeed.

Cameraman: Well there’s no way I’m doing those things! I wasn’t even there when they did any of those things!

Guy 4: Yes, well don’t worry girls have a different initiation process.

Guy 2: What?

Guy 4: Yes… because girls are better than you…

Cameraman: I like this already!

Guy 4: It’s also necessary for me to have all the numbers of people in the secret society…

Cameraman: Keep dreaming.

Guy 2: So how’s theirs different to ours?

Guy 4: They basically have to make a pyramid out of cards.

Guy 2: That’s it?

Guy 4: Yeah…

Guy 2: What about equal treatment to men and women?

Guy 4: Yeah we don’t believe in that… I mean seriously it’s obvious that she’s better than you in everyway except for being fat.

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Guy 2: Hey I’m comfortable with the way I look why can’t the rest of the world be?

Cameraman: Because you ate the rest of the world because you’re really fat because you ate lots of people!

Guy 2: Hey I did not- wait… well… define lots…

Cameraman: Make me.

Guy 2: Do small children count?

Cameraman: We’re changing the subject before you get even less dignity.

Guy 2: What dignity? I don’t have any the day I met this guy.

Guy 2 points to Guy 1.

Guy 1: Hey!

Cameraman: Well… you’ll have negative dignity! Oh! Take that!

Guy 3: Hey guess what? The plots developing really slowly!

Guy 2: Hey guess what? Shut up!

Guy 3: That was a bad come back.

Guy 2: You’re mum’s a bad come back.

Guy 3: I don’t even know why I looked away from the wall in the first place…

Guy 3 turns back to the wall only Guy 5 is in the way.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 5 waves.

Guy 3: Oh… now I remember.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 5 continues waving.

To be continued...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

CBM 4: A Psycho Cult by any Other Name

Guy 3: OK… so it is true what they say back at super-special-awesome-secret headquarters… our standards have dropped significantly…

Guy 2: Yes I assume they would’ve seeing how he’s here.

Guy 3: Oh and you as well. Don’t forget that you suck too.

Guy 2: Keep it to yourself you blabbering drunk.

Guy 3: I keep telling you I no longer take drugs of any kind.

Guy 2: Sure… sure… just you keep believing that while the rest of us mock you.

Guy 3: I don’t drink…


Guy 2: Baaaaaaa!

Guy 3: Stop mentioning that will you!?


Guy 2: Baaaaa!

Guy 3: I’ll hit you! I mean… forgive me brother… let us sing songs.

Guy 4: You know you can stop acting like that. We’ve drawn them in.

Guy 2: Huh? What does that mean?

Guy 4: Hey to anyone who isn’t being accepted into the society thinks we’re just some psycho cult because we act like total fruitcakes and go round talking about “peace” and “love” and what not. All the cults and secret societies do it.

Guy 1: You mean when those Moonies said they loved me it was all a lie!?

Guy 4: Yes… they secretly don’t give a (BEEP) about you at all.


Guy 1 starts crying. Girl 1 puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

Guy 4: Stop that.

Guy 1 stops crying.

Guy 1: I’m OK.

Guy 2: So all we know about cults is really a total lie?

Guy 4: Yep… except the bit about them being run by powerful money-hungry and evil corporations.

Guy 1: Oh, well, when you put it like that.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 1: I uh… don’t know… I just felt like talking then… just ignore me from now on.

Guy 4: Gladly. So you see we must make it seem to anyone who has found out you’re part of this secret society that you’re totally insane.

Guy 2: Doesn’t seem too hard we do that all the time.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Guy 2 hi-fives Cameraman. Girl 1 puts out her hand and looks at Guy 2 and he just looks back. She turns to Guy 1 with her hand still out anticipating a Hi-five. He looks at her and waves.

Guy 1: Hello. Did you want something?

Girl 1 motions towards her hand. Guy 1 looks at it.

Guy 1: I’m not giving you money if that’s what you want.

Girl 1 hits her head with her hand and turns away and crosses her arms.

Guy 4: OK so you can all act like a bunch of insane lunatics on call?

Cameraman: You don’t even have to ask.

Guy 4: Good. OK first to join this secret fraternity you must go through an initiation.

Guy 1: Hey wait. What is this? An organization, a cult a society or a fraternity? You keep changing your description of this secret thing actually is!

Guy 4: OK fine. Shall we stick with “Secret Society”?

Guy 2: Yeah I like that.

Guy 1: Yep.

Guy 3: Oh yeah that’s fine with me.

Cameraman: You’re face!

Guy 1: That’s a yes.

Cameraman: HoooWaaaa!

Cameraman slaps Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Hey but cameraman promised!

Cameraman: Cameraman lied…

Guy 4: Enough! Save it for where it’s appropriate… parliament house!

Cameraman: People keep saying that but I never get to go.

Guy 4: OK we will now refer to it as a “Secret Society” and not an organization, fraternity, cult or organization.

Guy 1: You said organisation twice.

Guy 4: Silence!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 goes over and stats waving at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You call this annoying?

Guy 4: It will become annoying after a while… trust me that guy is so annoying sometimes I just want to stand on a couple of phone books and strangle him.

Guy 5 keeps waving.

Guy 1: Yeah I know how you feel… man I want to kill Robert Wadlow so much… thinks he’s better than me because he’s taller than me…

Guy 2: He died over fifty years ago and he doesn’t think he’s better than you because he’s taller he thinks he’s better than you because he is!

Guy 1: Shut up!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 5.

Guy 1: OK you can stop now… hello… yes… hello again… you can stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… please stop… just stop it!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers.

Guy 4: I think he’s suffered enough… for now…

Guy 2: So what is this…?

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society…called?

Guy 4: Well this…

Guy 4 looks side to side.

Guy 4: Secret Society is called the Coo-Coo-Clan.

Everyone in the room gasps besides Guy 4.


Guy 1: Oh… my… gosh! It’s the KKK!

Guy 4: No you moron it’s the CCC! Learn to spell!

Guy 1: Never! That’s the spell-checks job not mine!

Guy 4: From now on you will pay attention to the spell checker and spell words like “cat” without any numbers or exclamation marks halfway through. The only word spelt with a “6” is the word “garwsh”.

Cameraman: Told you so!

Guy 2: Ha ha! You got told!

Guy 1: Hey shut up you spell worse then me!

Guy 2: But your handwriting is harder to read.

Guy 1: Then we’re equal.

Guy 2: Agreed.

Cameraman: Fags.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2: It’s that time of the month… you know… when the local electronics shop has a sale and she still doesn’t have enough money to buy a new camera because we don’t pay her…

Guy 1: Aaaah!

Guy 3: Hang on. I have a problem and I want to share it.

Guy 1: Hey I don’t want anymore diseases. I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship… again.

Guy 2: Neither am I.

Guy 3: No not that kind of problem you morons.

Guy 2: Then refill your prescription what do you need us for?

Guy 3: I mean I have a problem with the name!

Guy 2: Ooooohh! That kind of problem! Makes so much sense now!

Guy 3: Yeah! My problem is that it’s the coo-coo-clan and not the coo-coo-secret-society.

Everyone stares at Guy 3.

Guy 4: That’s because the coo-coo-secret-society is a retarded name!

Guy 5: I agree.

Guy 4: I didn’t say you’re allowed to talk.

Guy 3: Well maybe we should change it to something else…

Guy 4: So you’re saying a top-secret society that hasn’t changed in the past hundred years should change its name just so you don’t have a problem with it?

Guy 3: Yes…

Guy 4: All opposed to beating this guy?

He turns to everyone and they just sit there doing nothing.

Guy 4: OK.

Guy 3: You can’t do that!

Guy 4: I was kidding we’re not going to hurt you…

Guy 1: You were kidding!? I didn’t know this!

Guy 2: Hey! That’s unfair! I honestly thought he was going to be beaten!

Cameraman: This is an outrage!

Guy 4: Everyone calm down!

Guy 2: As members of this…

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society… I think we should be allowed to democratically make it so this guy can get beaten up whenever we feel like it.

Guy 4: Well you’re not members yet.

Girl 1 gasps.

Guy 4: Oh wow you’re still here. You haven’t moved much in the past half an hour have you?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 4: Yeah I know how you feel always being ignored.

Guy 1: Ahem.

Guy 4: No body acknowledges your existence.

Guy 1: Excuse me you were saying?

Guy 4: I mean it must be really infuriating having people ignore you like that.

Girl 1 shakes her head agreeably with what Guy 4 is saying.

Guy 1: We’re not members of the society but…


Guy 4: I just hate it when I’m ignored…

Guy 1: Gah!

To be continued...

Monday, November 16, 2009

CBM 3: The Boston Tea Party

Authors Note: How good is your Australian history/politics? John Howard a short bald man with large eyebrows and Australia's federation was 1901. We were a country! Yay!

Guy 1 is standing outside the local shops with a sandwich board saying, “The End of The World is Nigh!” on it. A person walks past him.

Guy 1: Yeah you better keep walking because the world is ending.

A person walks up to him.

Person: Hey man.

Guy 1: Hey.

Person: Still trying to tell people the world is ending?

Guy 1: Yeah it’s really hard no on believes a word I say.

Person: Maybe because you’ve been standing in the same spot every Saturday saying the same thing. You’d think it would’ve ended by now.

Guy 1: Yeah… but hey one day I’ll be right.

Person: Good luck with that! See you next week.

Guy 1: And you… oh by the way what’s the time?

Person: Oh it’s uh…

The person looks at their watch.

Person: Nearly noon.

Guy 1: Oh no I’m late. Thanks!

Guy 1 walks off and the person shakes their head and mutters to themselves.

Person: Strange retarded kid…

Guy 1 runs down the path and takes off his sandwich board. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a piece of paper and looks at it. He crosses the road and starts walking up a street when he meets up with Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey man, are you sure this is the right way?

Guy 2: Yeah it says on this map.

Guy 2 shows Guy 1 a map with a few trees and buildings poorly drawn on it with an arrow pointing to one of the houses.

Guy 1: Wow this is a pretty good map.

Guy 2: Yeah I know!

They walk down the street and turn and look at the house. It’s Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: What the?

Guy 1: Yeah I know… it’s a total piece of junk…

Guy 2: No… this is my house… it’s my house!

Guy 1: Yeah… a piece of junk.

Guy 2: But I left from this house then followed the map.

Guy 2 gets out the map and looks at it then turns it over. On the back it says “Yes I know just go in anyway.”

They walk in and Guy 3 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch. Guy 3 gets up and shows them to the couch.

Guy 1: Yes I can get to the couch by myself.

Guy 2: I can’t.

The Guys sit down and Guy 3 steps up next to the entrance.

Guy 3: Let me introduce… the leader!

Guy 3 points his arms in the direction of the dining room. Guy 1 and 2 stare and nothing happens.

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 and 2 look down.

Guy 4: Hello.

Guy 1: Go away shorty we’re waiting for the leader.

Guy 4 stands there patiently.

Guy 3: Uh I think you’ll find that-

Guy 1: Bah bah bah! I’m waiting for the leader…

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 leans closer to Guy 4.

Guy 1: Yes Mr. Midget? Are you lost?

Guy 4 grabs Guy 1 by the collar.

Guy 4: Listen retard I am the leader!

Guy 1 looks scared for a second as he looks at Guy 4’s angry face but then bursts out laughing and falls over and hits the floor.


Guy 1 continues laughing. Guy 4 starts kicking him.

Guy 4: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Guy 1: Bahahahaha! But it’s- Ow! - So - ow! – Funny! Ow!

A small Asian steps in and starts poking Guy 1.

Guy 1: What’s going on? Why is he poking me?

Guy 4: He’s my bodyguard. He doesn’t hurt people who insult or disobey me he just annoys the hell out of them until they give in.

Guy 1: OK fine! Please just make him stop!

Guy 4: You! Stop!

The Asian stands up and salutes Guy 4.

Asian: Yes master.

Guy 1 scrambles to his feet.

Guy 1: So why again are we here?

Guy 4: We are here so you can join the most secretive and powerful organizations in the history of the federation of Australia.

Guy 1: Oh “The World” was already taken by the Freemasons was it?

Guy 4: Silence! Only I may talk while I am talking! And no, it was the cult of Walmart.

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Asian (Guy 5) goes over and ruffles Guy 1’s hair continuously.

Guy 1: Fine! Sorry now make this strange person stop!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 stops.

Guy 4: Ok… long before the Federation of Australia lots of very important and amazing things happened such as the Declaration of Independence was signed in America, the American civil war, The Boston Tea Party and Man walked on the moon.

Guy 2: Uh I beg to differ…

Guy 4: Yes?

Guy 2: I disagree on one thing, which I think is pretty obvious to everyone in this room and probably the rest of the world… The Boston Tea Party wasn’t actually that amazing.

Guy 1: Oh yes I agree.

Cameraman: Yeah I mean seriously come on!

Guy 4: OK fine. All in favour of excluding the Boston Tea Party from the list of amazing and important things say “Ai!”

Everyone says “Ai!”

Guy 4: OK. Now none of those things actually matter because they’re all American and have nothing to do with the story so forget they ever happened.

Guy 1: So you’re saying America is run by the British, endorses slavery and never walked on the moon?


Guy 4: Yes. They also enjoy tea and have taxes for playing cards.

Guy 1: Oh OK just want to make sure that’s all. Please continue.

Guy 4: OK so then one day Australia broke free from mother England and many people were opposed to this idea… so we created this organization that continues to pay respect to England in all it’s glory.

Guy 1: Well I’m out.

Guy 1 gets up but Girl 1 and Guy 2 grab him and pull him back onto the couch.

Guy 1: Or… not…

Guy 4: But rejecting the way of life the government chooses for us is never enough for us.

Guy 2: It never is… it just never is…

Guy 4: So we decided to take over the government in secret.

Cameraman: Gasp! My word! Really?

Guy 4: And so we succeeded and have secretly been ruling the country in the Name of the Queen ever since…

Guy 1: Bravo! My word what a jolly good job you’ve done old fellow! Brilliant!

Guy 4: Please do not mock the British way of speaking.

Guy 1: Sorry…

Guy 2 puts his hand up and Guy 3 puts a mike near him and he takes it away and speaks into it.

Guy 2: But how does this benefit us?

Guy 4: I’m glad you asked that question. You see most people aren’t happy with a short annoying man ruling their country. If you join me you won’t have to serve under an annoying midget anymore you’ll just have to serve under me.

Guy 1: I fail to see the advantage in that.

Guy 2: Sh! Maybe if we join we can get rid of John Howard!

Guy 4: No sorry he’s made a deal with the devil to rule your country for the next twenty years. I’m sorry but even we can’t go against Satan.

Guy 1: You (BEEP)! You promised us power and now we have to serve under Satan too!?

Guy 4: I never promised you power I promised you the ability to serve under me and we don’t take orders from Satan. We asked him nicely to go away and he did… we also gave him some flowers… he thought it was a kind gesture but he said they’d burn up in hell. True story.

Girl 1 raises one of her eyebrows.

Guy 1: Of course… ask nicely… so that’s why people keep punching me in the face…

Cut to: Kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey! Give me some food or die!

Guy 1 gets punched in the face.

Cut to: Outside.

Guy 1: Hey! Pass me the ball because you suck!

The ball hits Guy 1 in the head.

Cut to: Living room.

Guy 4: Uh… huh… yeah OK just remember that for the future.

Guy 1: Oh nah I can’t… not after flashback number two… those basketballs are pretty hard.

Guy 2: It’s also fun to throw them!

To be continued...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

CBM 2: Kah-Mah-Ra-Mahn-Fu

Guy 1 starts walking away to get the permanent markers.

Cameraman: Oh no you don’t. If you draw on her face I’ll kill you with Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu!

Guy 1: Aww!

Guy 2: Hey I’ve been researching that martial art on wikipedia… and turns out that it isn’t actually lethal; monks use it to carry water over long distances.


Cameraman: What the heck are you talking about?

Guy 2: Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu.

Cameraman: It’s real? I was making that up to scare you- I mean… yes… I can carry water over long distances.

Guy 2: OK well if I ever need someone to carry water and my camel breaks down I’ll call you.

Cameraman: Wait… did you just call me a camel?

Guy 2: Uh… let’s just wake her up.

Guy 2 walks over to Girl 1 and leans near her. Guy 2 cups his hands over his mouth.

Guy 2: Wake up!

Girl 1 whacks him in the face and springs up at the same time. She looks around; a grunt comes from the floor and she looks at the floor where Guy 2 is lying. Girl 1 puts here hands over her mouth in shock.

Guy 2: OK you’re awake now…

Guy 3: Let us all rejoice that she is with us once again.

Guy 1: Hey cameraman! Can I draw on him instead?

Cameraman: Mmmm… maybe.

Guy 3: Let’s all join hands in song.

Cameraman: Wait no it’s a definite yes.

The Guys grab Guy 3 and hold him down.

Guy 2: Get a pen!

Guy 3: No! You draw on me and I will never tell you the secret to untold power!

Guy 1: Oh I’m not falling for that one again.

Guy 2: No wait! The stoned weirdo might be telling the truth!

Guy 1: No I’m the one that says the stupid thing you’re the one that tries to talk me out of it.

Guy 2: Well it’s a movie I can do anything I want.

Guy 1: What are you talking about?

Guy 2: Uh… so untold power you say?

Guy 3: Yes.

The Guys let Guy 3 go. Guy 3 climbs to his feet. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of folded paper that he gives to Guy 2.

Guy 3: Here’s an address. Go there tomorrow at noon.

Guy 3 walks away and closes the door behind him. There’s complete silence in the room.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: We still have nearly six hours to kill.

Guy 2: (BEEP)! So what now?

The Guys look at each other and then slowly turn their heads towards Girl 1. Girl 1 is sitting on the couch doing nothing. She back looks at them with a look of slight worry.

Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Guy 1: Yeah…

Guy 2: Let’s get pizza.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah that’s what I was thinking.

Guy 2: Wait… what were you thinking?

Guy 1: (Ashamed) I was thinking we should have a volleyball tournament.

Guy 2: That is the stupidest idea ever! We need four people.

Cameraman: Hey!

Guy 2: No offence… but you’re not exactly a person. You’re more like… a camera with arms and legs.

Cameraman: Racist! Just because I was born with nothing but arms and legs!

Guy 1: Unbelievable… racism against people who only have arms, legs and cameras is even worse then racism against Lego people…

Guy 2: I didn’t mean it like that!

Cameraman: You’re so racist!

Guy 1: Yeah!

Girl 1 is rubbing her index finger with her other index finger to cast shame.

Guy 2: Fine! I apologise cameraman for implying that you’re only use is a cameraman and you’re actually a person no different then anyone else.

Cameraman: Good.

Guy 2: Now can we order pizza?

Guy 1: OK.

Less then thirty minutes later (or their money back)

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 2 opens it. Guy 3 is on the other side.

Guy 2: You’re not the pizza guy… or are you?

Guy 3: No. I just forgot to mention not to bring anyone besides you three with you tomorrow.

Guy 2: Fine yeah whatever can I have pizza now?

Guy 3: I’m not the pizza guy.

Guy 2: Oh…


Guy 3: Can I have a hug brother?

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 2 starts walking away from the door but there’s another knock. He opens it and a man (Guy 1 dressed differently to save on actors) holding pizza is there.

Guy 2: Hey thanks.

Pizza Guy: Enjoy your… pizza! Hahaha!

Pizza Guy puts his pinky in the corner of his mouth.


Guy 2: O… K… I will.

Pizza Guy: Oh…

Pizza Guy holds out his hand. Guy 2 looks at it then back at him.

Guy 2: I’m not giving you a hug.

Pizza Guy: No I want a tip.

Guy 2: Oh…


Guy 2 slams the door on the Pizza Guy and brings the boxes into the living room.

Guy 1: And then she shot the fuel tank causing the car to explode and thus successfully saving a small Brazilian town from an evil gang leader.

Girl 1 nods slowly and has a look of contemplation on her face.

Guy 2: Pizza’s here.

Girl 1 perks up and quickly runs towards Guy 2 and grabs a pizza box. She smiles and turns around. She opens it and sees nothing. She slowly closes it again and turns around. She holds up the box and throughs it to the ground and storms off and sits down on the couch. She crosses her arms and pouts.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2 looks in one of the boxes.

Guy 2: They’re all empty! That son of a-

Guy 2 looks out the window and Pizza Guy is standing near the gate.

Pizza Guy: Haha! Sucker! The psychic pizza guy strikes again! No tip! No pizza!

Guy 2: What a total moron…

Guy 1: I agree.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 who snuck up next to him.

Guy 2: You’re too close.

Guy 1: Oh sorry.

Guy 1 moves away and The Guys sit back down on the couch with Girl 1 who is still angry.

Guy 2: So we’ve got about 5 hours, no pizza and nothing to do…

Guy 1: Lets-

Guy 2: If you say “Get drunk” I’ll kill you.

Guy 1: But no listen, if we just-

Guy 2: No. No. Nnnnno.

Guy 1: But-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Stop talking-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: To me like-

Guy 2: Down. No.

Guy 1: I’m a dog!

Guy 2: Make me.


Guy 1: I don’t like you.

Guy 2: I don’t care.

To be Continued

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Crazybilby the Movie 1: 6 hours and Nothing to Do

Introduction time! OK this was written about... a long time ago. I'm sure about two years ago at the very least. It was back when John Howard was still Prime Minister of Australia which to foreign people might not mean anything but pay attention because you have to remember that to realise how exactly this script is slightly outdated. Yes, one of the plot devices is specific to a certain time which isn't really normal for scripts I write. (Hell, we still haven't even determined the age of the characters as of yet) Well it was intended to be a feature length film divided into sections for my youtube channel but never made it so that's why it's called "The Movie" but is technically as long as The Holiday is going to end up as. (I swear I'm going to finish that soon! I've FINALLY graduated from Highschool so I have free time now!) A few references you won't get unless you've seen my old videos but who cares. Not important you'll probably pick them up. Basically this is very "universe" styled... well the cruder version of it. This blog is meant to come to some coherent idea of what this universe should be but I have yet to develop it properly. Anyhoo, basically cameraman has more of a presence in this one and you'll get the whole idea of just how weird her character actually is. We also learn more about Guy 1's true name and how aware they are of the 4th wall. So let's all remember that this was written when I was young and hasn't got the coherent and more refined style and humour of my more recent things. I still laugh at it though because I'm me.


Oh yeah, plus each one has a name. This one is entitled "6 Hours and Nothing to Do". Some of them have internal references or even obscure pop-references so tell me what they are if you can!

Chapter 1: “6 hours and nothing to do”
Length: 6.5 pages.

Guy 2 is sleeping when all of a sudden a phone rings. He slowly reaches for the phone and picks it up and puts it to his ear before turning it the right way round.

Guy 2: Whoever this is, I just want you to know that I hate you and you are the biggest loser who has ever rung me up.

Guy 1: Hey man! Sorry I didn’t catch that bit was it important?

Guy 2: Ugh… what is it?

Guy 1: Just wanted to know if the party is still on.

Guy 2: Yes! Can I sleep now?

Guy 1: Oh and one more thing.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: When are we going to make another video?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Come on it’s been ages since we made a video for youtube.

Guy 2: That’s because last time we tried making a video you managed to kill my dog, make a feeble attempt to replace it with a cat and then shot my neighbour with a gun! Do you know how hard that is considering that it was a toy gun?


Guy 1: Well not hard enough obviously.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Guy 2 falls back onto the bed.

Guy 2: Goodbye.

Guy 2 hangs up and checks his alarm clock. It says 12:30.

Guy 2: I can’t believe it’s 12:30… I could’ve slept for four more hours!

Guy 2 lies down.

4 hours and 5 minutes later.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch doing nothing. The clock is ticking.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: This everyone?

Guy 2: Looks like it.

Guy 1: I thought you said more people were coming…

Guy 2: They were… until they found out you were coming. Seriously everyone hates you why don’t you realise this?

Guy 1: Oh I have lots of friends… like… her…

Guy 1 points to Girl 1.

Girl 1: Hmm?

Guy 2: You’re really his friend?

Girl 1 nods and Guy 1 turns away. Girl 1 turns to Guy 2 and quickly shakes her arms and mouths the word “no”.

Guy 2: So what are we going to do now?

Guy 1: Dunno. Any suggestions?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 2: How about you cameraman? Got any suggestions?

Cameraman: Your face!

Guy 1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! It’s funny because you have a face!

Cameraman: How ‘bout you shut up?

Guy 1: You’ve changed cameraman… ever since we got a tripod you haven’t been the same…

Cameraman: Yeah well… you suck! Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1 in the face.

Guy 2: Come on we have to think of something to do we can’t just sit here beating this guy up for the next six hours.

Cameraman: Yeah we can.

Guy 1 gets back up and Cameraman punches him again. Guy 1 starts cowering.

Guy 1: Please don’t hurt me! I only wanted a perfect world!

Cameraman: So did Hitler!

Cameraman punches him again.

Guy 2: Cameraman! Save it for where it’s appropriate… gyms, home, football fields and parliament house.

Cameraman: I’m sorry… I wont do it anymore… often…

Guy 2: That’s all I ask…

Guy 1: Well we still need something to do for the next six hours…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1.

Guy 2: So… come here often?

Girl 1 edges away from Guy 2 to get away from him.

Guy 1: Ha ha suck!

Girl 1 looks at Guy 1 and shakes her head slowly.

Cameraman: I think you’re both pathetic. You already have a girlfriend.

Guy 1: Yes but she’s off in Africa trying to liberate the children coal minors from the evil reign of Emperor Mguntu. Everyday I received a bloodstained letter telling me how she’s doing…

Guy 1 looks at the ceiling with a distant look. Girl 1 and Guy 2 look at him and then at each other and shrug. Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face. Guy 1 slowly turns to face Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hm?

Girl 1 opens her mouth and is about to speak when there’s a knock at the door and she turns around and looks at it.

Guy 2: Oh finally someone interesting to talk to!

Guy 1: Hey! What about us?

Guy 2: Well… no offence but you’re the least funny and boring person I’ve ever met and you…

Guy 1 turns to Girl 1 who is looking shocked.

Guy 2: Well… you know…

Guy 2 opens the door and Guy 3 is standing there.

Guy 3: My brother!

Guy 3 holds out his arms and Guy 2 just looks at him.

Guy 2: Uh… do you want something?

Guy 3 just stands there with his arms wide open as if anticipating a hug.

Guy 2: If you want money you’re not getting any.

Guy 3: I want a hug brother.

Guy 2: Oh…


Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 3 lowers his arms and Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey wait, why are you calling me brother?

Guy 3: I have come to spread joy to your household.


Guy 2: Have you been taking marijuana again?

Guy 3: No of course not. You know I drink heavily instead.

Guy 2: Strange… you don’t look drunk you haven’t fallen over… yet…

Guy 3: I’m quitting.

Guy 2: Yeah you keep saying that but we don’t believe a word you say after the little incident… you know… the sheep?

Guy 3: I’m not a New Zealander I keep telling you. But that’s OK I forgive you.

Guy 2: Dude seriously what have you been smoking? Because it smells like ham…

Guy 3: That would be the ham I just ate.

Guy 2: You smoke ham? OK whatever floats your boat. Come on in making fun of you, while you’re obviously intoxicated, is going to be fun.

Guy 2 lets Guy 3 in and leads him into the living room. Guy 1 has his hands on Girl 1’s shoulders.

Guy 2: Hey guess who’s here?

Guy 1 quickly takes his hands off Girl 1.

Guy 1: I swear I never touched her below the belt!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: OK whatever. Someone finally came to this boring party and guess what? He’s seriously high or something!

Guy 1: You told me you didn’t have any more marijuana! Not that I uh… need any…

Guy 3: Brothers let us rejoice for it truly is a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Wow you’re right. Nobody who isn’t intoxicated would say something happy like that.

Guy 2: Yeah… OK you shut up now emo.

Guy 1: I’m not emo! I swear I don’t know how those cuts got on my arm!

Guy 2: Sure you don’t.

Cameraman: Yeah remember that day you borrowed my razor? I still haven’t got it back…

Guy 1: I lost it… in a volcano.

Guy 3: Please brothers do not fight.

Cameraman: My cameraman senses are tingling… I’m getting a weird vibe from this guy… he seems different then normal stoned people… don’t you agree?

Girl 1 nods her head quickly.

Guy 2: So why are you so happy?

Guy 1: I thought you were sure it was drugs.

Guy 2 slaps Guy 1 and Guy 1 falls down to the ground.

Guy 2: Never question cameraman’s cameraman sense! It has saved my life once…

Guy 2 turns and looks up at the ceiling. Guy 1 gets up and looks at the ceiling with him and looks confused.

Guy 1: That’s uh… a light… bulb…

Guy 2: Shh I’m having a flashback… nnnnnnnnow.

The screen fades away and becomes blurry and comes back near a road. Guy 2 walks up to the side of the road.

Cameraman: Stop! My cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 2 stops and a car passes.

Guy 2: Gasp! Thankyou cameraman! You’ve saved my life!

Guy 2 gives a thumbs-up and winks at the camera.

Cameraman: Hi-three!

Cameraman holds out her hand and Guy 2 hits his palm against hers.

Cameraman: That was five! Here’s two back!

Cameraman pokes Guy 2’s eyes. Guy 2 falls back and screams.

Cut to: Living room. Guy 1 is snapping his fingers in front of Guy 2’s face.

Guy 1: Hey snap out of it. You’ve been having a flashback for the past ten minutes now and we’re all very bored.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh sorry…

Guy 2 turns around and sees Guy 3 sitting down on the floor. He picks up his hand and lets it drop. Girl 1 is sleeping on the couch.

Guy 2: Aw that’s so cute look at her sleeping… let’s draw stuff on her face.

Guy 1: OK you stay here I’ll get the permanent marker.

To be continued...