CBM 9: Return of the Pizza Guy

The Pizza Guy walks up to the door and knocks.

Guy 2: OK now don’t stuff this up. After all he is psychic and can read your mind.

Guy 1: He’s a wizard!? Why didn’t you say so?

Guy 2: Because… oh never mind…

Guy 2 turns around and opens the door. Pizza Guy smiles.

Guy 2: Now!

Guy 1 raises his board and is about to hit Pizza Guy but Pizza Guy whips out a gun from an empty pizza box and shoots Guy 1.

Pizza Guy: Psychic pizza guy strikes again (BEEP)es!

Pizza Guy runs away and Guy 2 looks out the door.

Guy 2: I can’t believe he out smarted me… again!

Guy 1: Ahem. I’ve just been shot and you’re ignoring me.

Guy 2: Oh… hmm… so… are you… OK?

Guy 1 gets up.

Guy 1: That is the dumbest question I have ever heard! Of course I’m OK! My floppy disk protected me.

Guy 2 chortles.

Guy 2: Ha! You said floppy disk.

Guy 1 takes out a floppy disk from his shirt.

Guy 2: Oh… that kinda floppy…

Guy 1: Yeah so shut up will you?

Guy 2: Make me.

Meanwhile, Worker 1 walks up to the door of Worker 2’s house. Worker 2 lets Worker 1 in.

Worker 1: Wow this looks a lot like my house…

Worker 2: Yeah… about that… have you noticed anything else that looks alike?

Worker 1: Uh… no…?

Worker 2: Never mind then.

Worker 2 shows Worker 1 to the living room. They walk in and see Worker 3 and Worker 4. Worker 3 and Worker 4 greet them.

Worker 1: Hey where’s… you know? The other one?

Worker 2: Name?

Worker 1: I don’t know its name. You know… the one that’s mainly quiet and only ever talks a few times?

Worker 2: Meh who cares?

Worker 3: I think that we should all sit down and have cups of tea.

Worker 2: Shut up.

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 2 moves and Worker 3 flinches.

Worker 2: Ha! You flinched! You thought I was going to hit you!

Worker 3: No I didn’t! I have epilepsy!

Worker 3 holds out their arm and waggles it slightly.

Worker 3: woooooo! Uhh… wooo!

Worker 4: That’s a ghost. Are you like, mentally retarded or something?

Worker 3: Shut up. At least I’m not gay.

Worker 4 looks sad.

Worker 4: I am who I am!

Worker 4 turns away and cries.

Worker 1: Oh good going. Now look what you did!

Worker 3: Make me!

Worker 1: Why I ortta-

Worker 1 shakes their fist. Suddenly there’s a knock at the door.

Worker 2: Now who could that be?

Worker 3: Seeing how you only have one friend besides us I’m guessing its-

Girl 2 comes through the door and the sound of clapping starts.

Girl 2: Hey!

Worker 1: Hey.

Worker 2: Hey.

Worker 3: Hey.

Worker 4: Why did he leave me!? Was it my bad breath? Oh… hey…

Worker 4 goes back to crying.

Girl 2: What’s up with…?

Girl 2 points.

Worker 1: Oh that moron over there couldn’t keep their mouth shut.

Worker 3: Hey! I can keep it shut! I just don’t want to.

Worker 2: Shut up you enormous moron!

Worker 3: (Gasps) I can’t believe you just called me fat!

Worker 2: That’s not what I meant!

Girl 2: Hey wait a second… are you two brother and sister because you look alike.

Worker 1 and 2 looks at each other up and down then turn back to Girl 2 and say “No we don’t” at the same time.

Girl 2: Ok whatever. Do you have any cheese?

Worker 1: (confused) Yes… why do you ask?

Girl 2: Because your face asked.

Worker 1: That makes no sense.

Girl 2: Your face makes no sense. Oh burn!

Cameraman: Oh burn!

Worker 1: Quiet you.

Cameraman: You want to make me?

Worker 1: No… not really.

Cameraman: Thought so…

Girl 2: So why did you invite me here again?

Worker 1: I’m glad you asked. For you see… I have a plan…

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger in the corner of their mouth.

(Pause)

Girl 2: Go on…

Worker 1: Just a second I’m pretending I’m doctor evil.

(Pause)

Girl 2: Have you had enough time pretending to be a fictional character from a comedy movie?

Worker 1: I have… nnnnnnnnnnnnow.

Worker 1 puts their pinky down.

Worker 1: OK. I have a plan most evil!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger back to their mouth.

Girl 2: OK I get it! It’s evil! You can stop with the fingers!

Worker 1: No I can’t! I love my finger!

Girl 2: Your face loves your finger! Now tell me the plan already!

Worker 1: Did I mention that it was… evil?

Girl 2: Yes!

Worker 2 and 3: Yes!

Worker 1: OK then… you see there’s this one annoying person who keeps scaring away our customers and I was thinking that you could…

Worker 1 whispers in Girl 2’s ear the rest.

Worker 1: So how about it?

Girl 2: I don’t know… do I get paid?

Worker 1: All the pictures of llamas you can fit on your bedroom wall.

Girl 2: All of the wall?

Worker 1: Yes… all of it.

Girl 2: Are you sure? It is a pretty big wall.

Worker 1: Yes! It will cover your entire wall or I make your wall smaller.

Girl 2: You’d destroy part of my house and cause it to become potentially structurally unstable just for me?

Worker 1: If it makes you happy then yes… yes I will…

Girl 2: Yes! Score!

Girl 2 hi-fives Worker 1.

Girl 2: You’ve got yourself a deal.

Worker 3: Ooooooh! I see what’s going on here!

Worker 1: Why don’t you ever shut up?

Worker 3: Because I don’t feel like it.

Worker 1: This is why we never value your ideas… because you’re annoying.

Worker 3: So if I just stop being so annoying we could have tea parties and eat lots of scones?

Worker 1: Fine… we’ll all have tea and scones if you stop being annoying…

(Pause)

Worker 3: Meh too much work… you two in a tree doing things that end with “G”.

Worker 1: Wait… how many bad things end in G… (gasps) That’s naughty!

Worker 3: Yeah I know.

Worker 1: I’m telling mother on you…

To be continued...