CBM 8: Light Switch... Light... Switch

Guy 1: So how long until that annoying pizza guy comes?

Guy 2: In a while.

Guy 2 looks at his watch.

Guy 2: Oh and I forgot. The leader of the SAC is coming over to my house soon.

Guy 1: Gasp! The leader? Here? Oh I wonder what he looks like…

Guy 2: You met him yesterday… don’t you remember?

Guy 1: No… because you know… remember that time I was thrown out of a moving car?

Guy 2: Oh yeah… that was fun.

Guy 1: No… the other time I was thrown from a moving car?

Guy 2: Uh… oh yeah! That was also fun.

Guy 1: No! The other, other time I was thrown from a moving car.

Cameraman: Oh yeah… that was fun!

Guy 2: Yeah and then we drove around and ran him over?

Cameraman: Yeah! Then he bled from his head! That was a great day!

Guy 1: OK fine yeah I don’t remember things so well because I’ve been thrown out of moving cars a lot.

Guy 2: OK… hey cameraman, want to do that again?

Cameraman: OK!

Guy 2: Come on… we’re going for a ride.

Guy 1: Oh can I get ice-cream?

Guy 2: Sure why not?

The Guys get up to go to the door when there’s a knock.

Guy 2 opens it and looks side to side and sees nothing.

Guy 4: Ahem… down here.

Guy 2 looks down and sees Guy 4.

Guy 2: Oh… come on in…

Guy 4 walks in. Guy 1 charges at him with a plank of wood.

Guy 1: Gaaaaahhh!

Guy 2: No stop!

Guy 1 starts beating up Guy 4.

Guy 1: That’s… for not… giving us… pizza you… son… of… a…

Guy 2 grabs his arm and stops him.

Guy 2: What are you doing you moron? That’s not the annoying pizza guy!

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 1 looks down at Guy 4.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second you’re not the annoying pizza guy.

Guy 4 scrambles up to his feet.

Guy 4: No I’m not you total moron! I’m the leader of the CCC!

Guy 1: You!?

Guy 4: Yes!

(Pause)

Guy 1 bursts out laughing.

Guy 1: But you’re as short as a hobbit!

Guy 4: Shut up! I am not!

Guy 1: And you sound like one!

Guy 4: Shut up you moron I’m not a hobbit!

Guy 1: What are you going to do? Use your magic ring on me?

Guy 4: Shut up or I’ll kill you! Doesn’t this guy remember who I am?

Guy 2: Nah he doesn’t remember things so well after I thew him out of a car twice then ran him over.

Guy 4: And you didn’t invite me along!? What kind of person are you?

Guy 2: A selfish one.

Just then Guy 2’s mother came round the corner.

Mother: Oh hello! Is this your special little friend?

The Mother bends down so she’s eye level to Guy 4.

Mother: Hello and where are you from?

Guy 4: England.

Mother stands up.

Mother: Oh! Well welcome to Australia. Let me show you around.

She shows him to the nearest light switch.

Mother: This is a light switch… light switch… light switch… light… switch… light switch.

Guy 2: Mum…

Mother: Not now dear. OK now here we’ve got a wall… feel the wall…

Guy 4 puts his hand on the wall while staring at the Mother strangely.

Mother: Yes that’s nice you like that don’t you? It’s concrete. Concrete… con… crete… concrete.

Guy 2: Mum!

Mother: Not now honey mummy’s trying to teach the foreigner what a wall is.

Guy 2: Mum! Stop being so racist! English people know what walls are!

Mother: Yes but do they have concrete over there?

Guy 2: Yes! Now leave us alone! You’re embarrassing me!

Mother: Fine then. I’m leaving.

The Mother walks away.

Guy 4: Is it just me or does everyone treat me like I’m a total moron just because I’m slightly shorter than them?

Guy 1: Slightly!?

Guy 2: Uh… no, don’t worry not everyone just this loser.

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 4: You’re lucky I don’t have my lackeys with me… or I’d fling them in your eye.

Guy 1: Oh no! Please don’t fling a small annoying Asian and some random drunk in my eyes! That’ll hurt me and possibly leave me blind!

Guy 4: Not what I meant but OK at least you’re scared…

Guy 2: So what have you got to tell us?

Guy 4: I’m here to tell you about your membership into the CCC.

Guy 2: SAC.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: We came up with a… code name for it… SAC.

Guy 4: What does it stand for?

Guy 2: Songwriters association of Canada.

Guy 4: O… K… Well that’s why they call it a “code name”.

Guy 1: Yes! I get it because the code name isn’t the real name!

Guy 4 nods.

Guy 4: Yes… that’s right! Do you want a dog biscuit?

Guy 1: No not really. Dog food if for dogs! Wow you’re not very smart are you? Moron…

Guy 4: If I didn’t need you I would kill you now…

Guy 1: Huh?

Guy 4: Nothing. Now you were saying you have a problem with the initiation terms and conditions?

Guy 2: I just can’t beat up mr teddy…

Guy 4: O… K…

Guy 2: He keeps looking at me…

Guy 4: Well blindfold him then.

Guy 2: Also. Does it need to be a plastic sword? Can’t I like… shoot him and make it painless for him?

Guy 4: (sighs) OK fine…

Cut to: Guy 2’s bedroom.

Guy 2 is trying a blindfold to a teddy bear. He ties its arms back and props it up against something. He walks over and picks up his rifle. He aims it and shoots the teddy.

Guy 1: Wow…

Guy 4: Well done my apprentice. Your training is complete.

Guy 1: Dude… you went nazi Germany on your teddy bear.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Meh. It’s just a toy bear.

Guy 2 puts down the gun.

Guy 4: Good. Now you’re initiation is complete you can now become part of our secret society and together we can rule the federation together.

Guy 1: Dude…

Guy 4: OK we will start the ceremony tomorrow. I must go now.

The Guys leave the room and wave goodbye to Guy 4 who walks out the door. He passes Psychic Pizza Guy at the gate. Guy 4 looks at him and points with a confused look on his face and looks back at the house. He looks back at Pizza Guy and then shakes his head and walks off.

Guy 1: Oh here comes the pizza guy…

Guy 2: Oh you remember now!

Guy 1: Yeah… is there a reason why I wouldn’t remember something?

Guy 2: Remember how you were thrown out of a moving car three times and run over?

(Pause)

Guy 1: No.

Guy 2: Just get your plank of wood the pizza guy is coming.

Guy 1: Who?

To be continued...