CBM 3: The Boston Tea Party

Authors Note: How good is your Australian history/politics? John Howard a short bald man with large eyebrows and Australia's federation was 1901. We were a country! Yay!

Guy 1 is standing outside the local shops with a sandwich board saying, “The End of The World is Nigh!” on it. A person walks past him.

Guy 1: Yeah you better keep walking because the world is ending.

A person walks up to him.

Person: Hey man.

Guy 1: Hey.

Person: Still trying to tell people the world is ending?

Guy 1: Yeah it’s really hard no on believes a word I say.

Person: Maybe because you’ve been standing in the same spot every Saturday saying the same thing. You’d think it would’ve ended by now.

Guy 1: Yeah… but hey one day I’ll be right.

Person: Good luck with that! See you next week.

Guy 1: And you… oh by the way what’s the time?

Person: Oh it’s uh…

The person looks at their watch.

Person: Nearly noon.

Guy 1: Oh no I’m late. Thanks!

Guy 1 walks off and the person shakes their head and mutters to themselves.

Person: Strange retarded kid…

Guy 1 runs down the path and takes off his sandwich board. He reaches into his pocket and gets out a piece of paper and looks at it. He crosses the road and starts walking up a street when he meets up with Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey man, are you sure this is the right way?

Guy 2: Yeah it says on this map.

Guy 2 shows Guy 1 a map with a few trees and buildings poorly drawn on it with an arrow pointing to one of the houses.

Guy 1: Wow this is a pretty good map.

Guy 2: Yeah I know!

They walk down the street and turn and look at the house. It’s Guy 2’s house.

Guy 2: What the?

Guy 1: Yeah I know… it’s a total piece of junk…

Guy 2: No… this is my house… it’s my house!

Guy 1: Yeah… a piece of junk.

Guy 2: But I left from this house then followed the map.

Guy 2 gets out the map and looks at it then turns it over. On the back it says “Yes I know just go in anyway.”

They walk in and Guy 3 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch. Guy 3 gets up and shows them to the couch.

Guy 1: Yes I can get to the couch by myself.

Guy 2: I can’t.

The Guys sit down and Guy 3 steps up next to the entrance.

Guy 3: Let me introduce… the leader!

Guy 3 points his arms in the direction of the dining room. Guy 1 and 2 stare and nothing happens.

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 and 2 look down.

Guy 4: Hello.

Guy 1: Go away shorty we’re waiting for the leader.

Guy 4 stands there patiently.

Guy 3: Uh I think you’ll find that-

Guy 1: Bah bah bah! I’m waiting for the leader…

Guy 4: Ahem.

Guy 1 leans closer to Guy 4.

Guy 1: Yes Mr. Midget? Are you lost?

Guy 4 grabs Guy 1 by the collar.

Guy 4: Listen retard I am the leader!

Guy 1 looks scared for a second as he looks at Guy 4’s angry face but then bursts out laughing and falls over and hits the floor.

(Pause)

Guy 1 continues laughing. Guy 4 starts kicking him.

Guy 4: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Guy 1: Bahahahaha! But it’s- Ow! - So - ow! – Funny! Ow!

A small Asian steps in and starts poking Guy 1.

Guy 1: What’s going on? Why is he poking me?

Guy 4: He’s my bodyguard. He doesn’t hurt people who insult or disobey me he just annoys the hell out of them until they give in.

Guy 1: OK fine! Please just make him stop!

Guy 4: You! Stop!

The Asian stands up and salutes Guy 4.

Asian: Yes master.

Guy 1 scrambles to his feet.

Guy 1: So why again are we here?

Guy 4: We are here so you can join the most secretive and powerful organizations in the history of the federation of Australia.

Guy 1: Oh “The World” was already taken by the Freemasons was it?

Guy 4: Silence! Only I may talk while I am talking! And no, it was the cult of Walmart.

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Asian (Guy 5) goes over and ruffles Guy 1’s hair continuously.

Guy 1: Fine! Sorry now make this strange person stop!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 stops.

Guy 4: Ok… long before the Federation of Australia lots of very important and amazing things happened such as the Declaration of Independence was signed in America, the American civil war, The Boston Tea Party and Man walked on the moon.

Guy 2: Uh I beg to differ…

Guy 4: Yes?

Guy 2: I disagree on one thing, which I think is pretty obvious to everyone in this room and probably the rest of the world… The Boston Tea Party wasn’t actually that amazing.

Guy 1: Oh yes I agree.

Cameraman: Yeah I mean seriously come on!

Guy 4: OK fine. All in favour of excluding the Boston Tea Party from the list of amazing and important things say “Ai!”

Everyone says “Ai!”

Guy 4: OK. Now none of those things actually matter because they’re all American and have nothing to do with the story so forget they ever happened.

Guy 1: So you’re saying America is run by the British, endorses slavery and never walked on the moon?

(Pause)

Guy 4: Yes. They also enjoy tea and have taxes for playing cards.

Guy 1: Oh OK just want to make sure that’s all. Please continue.

Guy 4: OK so then one day Australia broke free from mother England and many people were opposed to this idea… so we created this organization that continues to pay respect to England in all it’s glory.

Guy 1: Well I’m out.

Guy 1 gets up but Girl 1 and Guy 2 grab him and pull him back onto the couch.

Guy 1: Or… not…

Guy 4: But rejecting the way of life the government chooses for us is never enough for us.

Guy 2: It never is… it just never is…

Guy 4: So we decided to take over the government in secret.

Cameraman: Gasp! My word! Really?

Guy 4: And so we succeeded and have secretly been ruling the country in the Name of the Queen ever since…

Guy 1: Bravo! My word what a jolly good job you’ve done old fellow! Brilliant!

Guy 4: Please do not mock the British way of speaking.

Guy 1: Sorry…

Guy 2 puts his hand up and Guy 3 puts a mike near him and he takes it away and speaks into it.

Guy 2: But how does this benefit us?

Guy 4: I’m glad you asked that question. You see most people aren’t happy with a short annoying man ruling their country. If you join me you won’t have to serve under an annoying midget anymore you’ll just have to serve under me.

Guy 1: I fail to see the advantage in that.

Guy 2: Sh! Maybe if we join we can get rid of John Howard!

Guy 4: No sorry he’s made a deal with the devil to rule your country for the next twenty years. I’m sorry but even we can’t go against Satan.

Guy 1: You (BEEP)! You promised us power and now we have to serve under Satan too!?

Guy 4: I never promised you power I promised you the ability to serve under me and we don’t take orders from Satan. We asked him nicely to go away and he did… we also gave him some flowers… he thought it was a kind gesture but he said they’d burn up in hell. True story.

Girl 1 raises one of her eyebrows.

Guy 1: Of course… ask nicely… so that’s why people keep punching me in the face…

Cut to: Kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey! Give me some food or die!

Guy 1 gets punched in the face.

Cut to: Outside.

Guy 1: Hey! Pass me the ball because you suck!

The ball hits Guy 1 in the head.

Cut to: Living room.

Guy 4: Uh… huh… yeah OK just remember that for the future.

Guy 1: Oh nah I can’t… not after flashback number two… those basketballs are pretty hard.

Guy 2: It’s also fun to throw them!

To be continued...