CBM 6: The 1967 Film

Guy 2: OK can we all stop talking about my weight?

Cameraman: Aww! But it’s so fun to make fun of fat people because they’re different from us!

Guy 1: Where’d you learn that?

Cameraman: School.

Guy 1: You can learn things in school!? Wow…

Cameraman: Yeah… well… no not really… not anything of importance really… hey can one thing we do when we get into this secret society is make the schools a better place?

Guy 4: Awww! Do we have to? I mean… it’s school can’t we get rid of them?

Cameraman: No… my cameraman senses predict a great catastrophe if we eliminate school…

Guy 2: Listen to her… you’d be amazed how many things they can do.

Guy 4: Is there anything your cameraman senses don’t pick up?

Cameraman: Meh. Dunno. They pick up TV so why not everything else?

Guy 4: Fascinating…

Guy 2: Indeed.

Guy 4: Anyway, how about you? Do you still want to be in this secret society?

Girl 1 looks up and shrugs then looks down again.

Guy 1: Hey wait a second… when did you get a Gameboy?

Guy 2: What game are you playing?

Guy 1: Oh awesome! Pokemon!

Guy 2: Cool what levels are your pokemon at?

Guy 1: Oh cool you’ve got a Dragonite!

Girl 1 looks scared as The Guys crowd around her Gameboy. She pushes them away and they lean back.

Guy 1: But-

Girl 1 puts her hand up sharply. She then wiggles her index finger back and forth a few times and goes back to playing the game. All without looking up.

Guy 1: Fine then. Be that way.

Girl 1 mouths random words mockingly shaking her head back and forth.

Guy 1: Did you see that? She mocked me! Unbelievable! She mocked me!

Guy 4: Get over it.

Girl 1 turns to Guy 1 and smiles. Guy 1 looks at her disdainfully back.

Guy 4: OK so you all must complete the initiation by the end of the week. I must go now for you see… I’m late for my yoga class. Today we’re learning the downwards-facing dog…

Guy 2: Too much information.

Guy 4 walks away to the door and passes Guy 3 and 5. Guy 3 is strangling Guy 5 and Guy 5 is still trying to wave.

Guy 5: Hello.

Guy 3: Gah!

Guy 4: Come on lets go.

Guy 3: Not until I here a snap.

Guy 4: I command you to come.

Guy 3 lets go and they walk out the door.

Guy 2 turns to everyone else.

Guy 2: Wait… how did they get into my house…?

Guy 1: Who cares about that? Why did we agree to this?

Cameraman: Because you’re all morons… except for her.

Girl 1 smiles and goes back to playing her Gameboy.

Guy 1: And how come you’ve got my Gameboy?

Girl 1 stares at him then her eyes dart back and forth. She slowly puts her arms over the Gameboy as if to hide it. She slowly looks away at the ceiling. Guy 1 looks up at where she is staring and she quickly gets up and runs away.

Guy 1: Hey wait! I still don’t know what you were looking at!

Guy 2: It was a distraction you moron.

Guy 1: I know that I just want to know what I was being distracted by.

Guy 2 hits himself on the head.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Meanwhile…

A person walks up to a TV and turns it on for a room full of people. They are all exactly the same.

Worker 1: Can I have your attention please? You! Stop messing around!

Worker 1 points to two people playing paper, scissors, rock.

Worker 1: This isn’t the time or place. Now I’ve gathered you all here-

Worker 2: To reveal the killer!

Worker 1: Quiet you! I’m here to address the problem that has plagued our local shops for the past two months… we don’t know his name, age or why he doesn’t brush his hair and all we’ve got to identify him by is this sound…

Worker 1 presses a button on a remote he has in his hand pointed off screen. A strange sound plays.

Worker 1: Our top scientists are working on this sound… they so far think it’s laughter slowed down… they might be right…

Worker 2 puts up his hand.

Worker 2: Hey when did we get scientists?

Worker 1: Well by scientists I mean the… bag boy…

Worker 2: Oh…

Worker 1: We also have this footage of the unknown ape like creature.

Worker 1 presses “play” and a video of Guy 1 walking around near some trees plays. Guy 1 is taking huge long strides and swinging his arms back and forth like big-foot in the Patterson film. He looks at the camera and the video freezes. Worker 1 hits the side of the TV.

Worker 1: Oh it always freezes here… oh well it’s just another half an hour of this guy walking around in circles and one bit where he stands still for a second. So what are our opinions?

Worker 3: I think it’s a rare ape and needs to be protected!

Worker 4: It’s an Ogron!

Worker 2: The Chuds are back! The Chuds are back!

Worker 3: No it’s Bigfoot.

Worker 4: It could be a Mahedosat!

Worker 1: Please everyone please! One at a time! I’m pretty sure it’s human.

Everyone gasps.

Worker 2: No… seriously?

Worker 1: Yes. I’m sure it’s a human being.

(Pause)

Everyone except Worker 1 starts laughing.

Worker 5: That’s a good one!

Worker 4: I agree… human! What a ridiculous notion compared to Bigfoot and fictional sc-fi creatures.

Worker 1: OK fine it’s species will be continued to be debated along with wether or not the fur like substance on it’s head is hair or a parasite that feasts off it’s blood.

Worker 5: I think it might be a type of hairy Brazilian hamster or gerbil like creature descended from the dinosaurs.

Worker 4: No once cares what you think.

Worker 5: My mum does…

Worker 1: Yes OK you two should shut up for the remainder of the meeting you’re constantly distracting me from the actual problem. The point is that this young… biped… is constantly preaching the end of the world outside our shops like a madman. This is getting rid of our employer’s customers, which means we will eventually no longer have a job.

Everyone gasps including Worker 1.

Worker 3: Why did you gasp?

Worker 1: I don’t know.

Worker 2: Yeah about insanity… are you sure you’re not insane yourself?

Worker 1: What do you mean?

Worker 2: Look around you… what do you see?

Worker 1 looks around. He sees Worker 2,3,4 and 5 and looks up and behind him.

Worker 1: I see… the TV…

Worker 2: That’s not exactly what I meant.

Worker 1: Oh… oh! Oh yeah… we’re in a sowing room.

Worker 2: Fine… not what I was getting at but yeah that’ll do.

Worker 1: Well then what were you on about?

Worker 2: Oh nothing…

Worker 1: No tell me… I want the truth.

Worker 2: You want the truth? You can’t handle the truth!

Worker 3: Hey that was pretty witty.

Worker 2: Why thankyou I planned it weeks in advance.

Worker 1: Remember that time we talked about yelling?

Worker 2: Remember when you said you were going senile?

Worker 1: Uh… no… wait…

Worker 2: My point exactly.

Worker 1: Wait just a second I’m trying to remember…

Worker 2: You never said it… I was joking around with you.

Worker 3: Yeah that was pretty obvious I mean… how could you not get that?

Worker 1: OK whatever. To end this meeting I’d like to say that this humanoid is incredibly annoying and we should find a way to get rid of him… forever.

They all start laughing maniacally for a while and then stop.

Worker 1: So… want to get pizza?

Worker 2: Yeah I’m down with that.

To be continued...