"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Crazybilby the Movie 1: 6 hours and Nothing to Do

Introduction time! OK this was written about... a long time ago. I'm sure about two years ago at the very least. It was back when John Howard was still Prime Minister of Australia which to foreign people might not mean anything but pay attention because you have to remember that to realise how exactly this script is slightly outdated. Yes, one of the plot devices is specific to a certain time which isn't really normal for scripts I write. (Hell, we still haven't even determined the age of the characters as of yet) Well it was intended to be a feature length film divided into sections for my youtube channel but never made it so that's why it's called "The Movie" but is technically as long as The Holiday is going to end up as. (I swear I'm going to finish that soon! I've FINALLY graduated from Highschool so I have free time now!) A few references you won't get unless you've seen my old videos but who cares. Not important you'll probably pick them up. Basically this is very "universe" styled... well the cruder version of it. This blog is meant to come to some coherent idea of what this universe should be but I have yet to develop it properly. Anyhoo, basically cameraman has more of a presence in this one and you'll get the whole idea of just how weird her character actually is. We also learn more about Guy 1's true name and how aware they are of the 4th wall. So let's all remember that this was written when I was young and hasn't got the coherent and more refined style and humour of my more recent things. I still laugh at it though because I'm me.


Oh yeah, plus each one has a name. This one is entitled "6 Hours and Nothing to Do". Some of them have internal references or even obscure pop-references so tell me what they are if you can!

Chapter 1: “6 hours and nothing to do”
Length: 6.5 pages.

Guy 2 is sleeping when all of a sudden a phone rings. He slowly reaches for the phone and picks it up and puts it to his ear before turning it the right way round.

Guy 2: Whoever this is, I just want you to know that I hate you and you are the biggest loser who has ever rung me up.

Guy 1: Hey man! Sorry I didn’t catch that bit was it important?

Guy 2: Ugh… what is it?

Guy 1: Just wanted to know if the party is still on.

Guy 2: Yes! Can I sleep now?

Guy 1: Oh and one more thing.

Guy 2: Yes?

Guy 1: When are we going to make another video?

Guy 2: What?

Guy 1: Come on it’s been ages since we made a video for youtube.

Guy 2: That’s because last time we tried making a video you managed to kill my dog, make a feeble attempt to replace it with a cat and then shot my neighbour with a gun! Do you know how hard that is considering that it was a toy gun?


Guy 1: Well not hard enough obviously.

Guy 2: Ugh…

Guy 2 falls back onto the bed.

Guy 2: Goodbye.

Guy 2 hangs up and checks his alarm clock. It says 12:30.

Guy 2: I can’t believe it’s 12:30… I could’ve slept for four more hours!

Guy 2 lies down.

4 hours and 5 minutes later.

Guy 1, Guy 2 and Girl 1 are sitting down on the couch doing nothing. The clock is ticking.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: This everyone?

Guy 2: Looks like it.

Guy 1: I thought you said more people were coming…

Guy 2: They were… until they found out you were coming. Seriously everyone hates you why don’t you realise this?

Guy 1: Oh I have lots of friends… like… her…

Guy 1 points to Girl 1.

Girl 1: Hmm?

Guy 2: You’re really his friend?

Girl 1 nods and Guy 1 turns away. Girl 1 turns to Guy 2 and quickly shakes her arms and mouths the word “no”.

Guy 2: So what are we going to do now?

Guy 1: Dunno. Any suggestions?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 2: How about you cameraman? Got any suggestions?

Cameraman: Your face!

Guy 1: Oh I get it! Ha ha! It’s funny because you have a face!

Cameraman: How ‘bout you shut up?

Guy 1: You’ve changed cameraman… ever since we got a tripod you haven’t been the same…

Cameraman: Yeah well… you suck! Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1 in the face.

Guy 2: Come on we have to think of something to do we can’t just sit here beating this guy up for the next six hours.

Cameraman: Yeah we can.

Guy 1 gets back up and Cameraman punches him again. Guy 1 starts cowering.

Guy 1: Please don’t hurt me! I only wanted a perfect world!

Cameraman: So did Hitler!

Cameraman punches him again.

Guy 2: Cameraman! Save it for where it’s appropriate… gyms, home, football fields and parliament house.

Cameraman: I’m sorry… I wont do it anymore… often…

Guy 2: That’s all I ask…

Guy 1: Well we still need something to do for the next six hours…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1.

Guy 2: So… come here often?

Girl 1 edges away from Guy 2 to get away from him.

Guy 1: Ha ha suck!

Girl 1 looks at Guy 1 and shakes her head slowly.

Cameraman: I think you’re both pathetic. You already have a girlfriend.

Guy 1: Yes but she’s off in Africa trying to liberate the children coal minors from the evil reign of Emperor Mguntu. Everyday I received a bloodstained letter telling me how she’s doing…

Guy 1 looks at the ceiling with a distant look. Girl 1 and Guy 2 look at him and then at each other and shrug. Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face. Guy 1 slowly turns to face Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hm?

Girl 1 opens her mouth and is about to speak when there’s a knock at the door and she turns around and looks at it.

Guy 2: Oh finally someone interesting to talk to!

Guy 1: Hey! What about us?

Guy 2: Well… no offence but you’re the least funny and boring person I’ve ever met and you…

Guy 1 turns to Girl 1 who is looking shocked.

Guy 2: Well… you know…

Guy 2 opens the door and Guy 3 is standing there.

Guy 3: My brother!

Guy 3 holds out his arms and Guy 2 just looks at him.

Guy 2: Uh… do you want something?

Guy 3 just stands there with his arms wide open as if anticipating a hug.

Guy 2: If you want money you’re not getting any.

Guy 3: I want a hug brother.

Guy 2: Oh…


Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 3 lowers his arms and Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey wait, why are you calling me brother?

Guy 3: I have come to spread joy to your household.


Guy 2: Have you been taking marijuana again?

Guy 3: No of course not. You know I drink heavily instead.

Guy 2: Strange… you don’t look drunk you haven’t fallen over… yet…

Guy 3: I’m quitting.

Guy 2: Yeah you keep saying that but we don’t believe a word you say after the little incident… you know… the sheep?

Guy 3: I’m not a New Zealander I keep telling you. But that’s OK I forgive you.

Guy 2: Dude seriously what have you been smoking? Because it smells like ham…

Guy 3: That would be the ham I just ate.

Guy 2: You smoke ham? OK whatever floats your boat. Come on in making fun of you, while you’re obviously intoxicated, is going to be fun.

Guy 2 lets Guy 3 in and leads him into the living room. Guy 1 has his hands on Girl 1’s shoulders.

Guy 2: Hey guess who’s here?

Guy 1 quickly takes his hands off Girl 1.

Guy 1: I swear I never touched her below the belt!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: OK whatever. Someone finally came to this boring party and guess what? He’s seriously high or something!

Guy 1: You told me you didn’t have any more marijuana! Not that I uh… need any…

Guy 3: Brothers let us rejoice for it truly is a wonderful day!

Guy 1: Wow you’re right. Nobody who isn’t intoxicated would say something happy like that.

Guy 2: Yeah… OK you shut up now emo.

Guy 1: I’m not emo! I swear I don’t know how those cuts got on my arm!

Guy 2: Sure you don’t.

Cameraman: Yeah remember that day you borrowed my razor? I still haven’t got it back…

Guy 1: I lost it… in a volcano.

Guy 3: Please brothers do not fight.

Cameraman: My cameraman senses are tingling… I’m getting a weird vibe from this guy… he seems different then normal stoned people… don’t you agree?

Girl 1 nods her head quickly.

Guy 2: So why are you so happy?

Guy 1: I thought you were sure it was drugs.

Guy 2 slaps Guy 1 and Guy 1 falls down to the ground.

Guy 2: Never question cameraman’s cameraman sense! It has saved my life once…

Guy 2 turns and looks up at the ceiling. Guy 1 gets up and looks at the ceiling with him and looks confused.

Guy 1: That’s uh… a light… bulb…

Guy 2: Shh I’m having a flashback… nnnnnnnnow.

The screen fades away and becomes blurry and comes back near a road. Guy 2 walks up to the side of the road.

Cameraman: Stop! My cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 2 stops and a car passes.

Guy 2: Gasp! Thankyou cameraman! You’ve saved my life!

Guy 2 gives a thumbs-up and winks at the camera.

Cameraman: Hi-three!

Cameraman holds out her hand and Guy 2 hits his palm against hers.

Cameraman: That was five! Here’s two back!

Cameraman pokes Guy 2’s eyes. Guy 2 falls back and screams.

Cut to: Living room. Guy 1 is snapping his fingers in front of Guy 2’s face.

Guy 1: Hey snap out of it. You’ve been having a flashback for the past ten minutes now and we’re all very bored.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh sorry…

Guy 2 turns around and sees Guy 3 sitting down on the floor. He picks up his hand and lets it drop. Girl 1 is sleeping on the couch.

Guy 2: Aw that’s so cute look at her sleeping… let’s draw stuff on her face.

Guy 1: OK you stay here I’ll get the permanent marker.

To be continued...

No comments:

Post a Comment