Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.
Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!
Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…
Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.
Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.
Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…
Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.
Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.
Guy 1: Huh?
Worker 1: We like the band.
Guy 1: Ah.
Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.
Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?
Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.
Worker 1: Oh not you…
Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.
Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?
Worker 1 is looking around.
Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?
Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.
Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?
Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.
Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!
Worker 1: That’s nice.
Worker 3: Ugh…
Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.
Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?
Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?
Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S
Guy 1: Oh forget this.
Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.
Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?
Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.
Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…
Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?
Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.
Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!
Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?
Guy 1: Uh… sure…
Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.
Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…
Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.
Guy 1: Hey…
Guy 2: Hey…
Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?
Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 2: Yeah…
Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?
Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…
Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?
Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.
Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.
Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!
Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.
Cameraman: What was up with that?
Guy 2: I’m not sure…
Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.
Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…
Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.
Worker 1: Gah!
Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.
Guy 2: It’s… you!
Worker 1: No it isn’t!
Guy 1: You know this person?
Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!
Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.
Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?
Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…
Guy 1: That’s… creepy…
Guy 2: You’re telling me…
Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?
Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?
Worker 1: Yes?
Guy 2: No.
Worker 1: Aw. Please?
Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!
Everyone turns to Girl 1.
Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.
Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!
Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!
Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!
Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.
Guy 2: Ow!
Guy 1 gasps.
Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!
Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!
(Pause)
Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!
Girl 1: Scottish!
Guy 1: Same difference.
Girl 1: No it isn’t!
Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…
Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.
Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?
Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!
Everyone stares at Girl 1.
Girl 1: What?
Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.
Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…
Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.
Girl 1: Shut up you!
Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.
Guy 1: Really? OK.
Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.
Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?
Guy 2: Not like that.
Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.
Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.
Girl 1: To the park!
Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.
Guy 1: What’s on the roof?
Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.
Guy 1 looks up.
Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…
Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.
Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?
Worker 3: Sure.
Worker 2 runs in.
Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!
Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.
Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.
Worker 2: Noooooo!
Cut to: The park.
Guy 2: Hey! We found him!
Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.
Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.
Guy 1: Why?
Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.
Guy 1: Make me.
Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.
Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!
Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.
Guy 2: Never do.
Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!
Girl 1: Well you still suck.
Guy 4: Bah! It talks!
Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!
Guy 4: (Scared) OK.
Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.
Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.
Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!
Everyone stops and stares for a moment.
Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.
Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.
Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…
Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?
Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!
Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!
Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!
Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.
Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?
Guy 4: Who do you suggest?
Guy 1: Uh… Him!
Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.
Person: Me!?
Guy 1: Yes!
Guy 2: Yes!
Guy 4: Darn!
Person: OK.
Guy 1: What?
Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.
Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.
Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.
Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!
Everyone laughs.
Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.
Everyone laughs again.
Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!
Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.
Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?
Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.
Guy 1: Dunno.
The Dark Figure approaches them.
Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!
The Dark figure holds up a knife.
Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!
Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!
The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.
Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…
Guy 1: Run!
Everyone screams.
The End.
Showing posts with label kidnapping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label kidnapping. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Worker 4 walks in the door.
Guy 1: Oh not you again.
Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.
Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.
Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.
Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?
Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.
Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?
Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?
Guy 1 pauses and thinks.
Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…
Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…
Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.
Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?
Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…
Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.
Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…
Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.
Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?
Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.
Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.
Guy 1: Aww…
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…
Worker 1 waves a stick around.
Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.
Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!
Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.
Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…
Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.
Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.
Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1 puts down the disc.
Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Because I said so.
Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?
Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.
Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.
Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…
Guy 1: Why?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?
Worker 1: I’m not raping you.
Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.
Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.
Guy 1: Sorry.
Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.
Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.
Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!
Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?
Guy 2: No… you?
Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…
Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.
Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.
Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.
Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!
Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.
Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!
The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.
Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!
Cut to: Girl 1.
Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Everything’s normal again.
Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?
Cameraman: Uh…
There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.
Cameraman: Hoorah!
Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…
Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.
Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!
Girl 1 smiles.
Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?
Girl 1 nods.
Cameraman: So what’s your plan?
Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.
Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.
Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.
Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?
Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.
Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.
Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.
Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!
Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!
Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!
Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!
Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?
Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.
Guy 2 grabs a passing person.
Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?
Person: No! I didn’t!
Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!
Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!
Guy 2 lets go of the person.
Guy 2: OK then… good…
Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.
Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!
Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.
Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.
Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!
Guy 2: Fine!
Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.
Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.
Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.
To be continued...
Saturday, December 26, 2009
CBM 15: Fatty Bilby
Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?
Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?
Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.
Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.
Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.
Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?
Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.
Guy 2 is watching the TV.
Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?
Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!
Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.
The sounds of gunshots can be heard.
Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?
Guy 2 chuckles to himself.
Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…
Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?
Guy 2 turns off the TV.
Guy 2: What guy?
Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?
Guy 2: What dog?
Cameraman: Oh never mind…
Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…
Guy 2 turns on the TV.
Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!
Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.
Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…
Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.
Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?
Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?
Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.
Worker 1: Well… good for them then.
Cut to: Guy 2’s house.
Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.
Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?
Guy 2: I… live here?
Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…
Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.
Guy 4: Are you sure?
Guy 4 walks in and looks around.
Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…
Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?
Guy 4: Huh?
Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.
Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.
Guy 2: Who?
Guy 4: That guy… that…
Guy 2 looks at him strangely.
Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.
Guy 2: Oh!
Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?
Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…
Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.
Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.
Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.
Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.
Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.
Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.
Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.
Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.
Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!
Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.
Guy 4: I’m not short!
Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?
Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.
Guy 4 walks out the door.
Guy 2: What was that all about?
Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.
Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.
Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.
Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?
Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!
Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…
Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…
Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.
Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…
(Long pause)
Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?
Cameraman: I thought you would.
Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.
Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?
Guy 2: Yes.
Cameraman: Cameramancist…
Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.
Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.
Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.
Guy 3: What!? Why?
Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.
Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?
Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.
Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.
To be continued...
Thursday, December 24, 2009
CBM 14: The Evil Sewing Room
Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.
Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!
Guy 1 looks around.
Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.
Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!
Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.
Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.
Worker 1 looks proud.
Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.
Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.
Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…
Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.
Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.
Worker 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?
Guy 2: What?
Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?
Guy 2: No…
Worker 1: Please?
Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.
Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!
Guy 2 gets up and walks away.
Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!
Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.
Worker 1: Nooooooo!
Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.
Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?
Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?
Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!
Guy 1: And issues.
Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?
Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.
Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!
Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!
Worker 1: Exactly.
Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.
Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.
Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…
Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…
Guy 1: Uh…
Worker 1: By we I mean me.
Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.
Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.
Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?
Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.
Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?
Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.
Guy 1: I’m human.
Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.
Guy 1: Scientists?
Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.
Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.
Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.
Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.
Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?
Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.
Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.
Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-
Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?
Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.
Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?
Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.
Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?
Guy 1: I’m not alien.
Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!
Guy 1: That makes no sense.
Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!
Guy 1: You’re strange.
Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.
Guy 1: OK…
Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.
Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.
Worker 1: Good.
Guy 1: No more.
Worker 1: Yes OK.
Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.
Worker 1: OK story time.
Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.
Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.
Guy 1: And what are they telling you?
Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…
Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.
Worker 1: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.
Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.
Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?
Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!
Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.
Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.
Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?
While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.
Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!
Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.
Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.
Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.
Worker 1: It was.
Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.
Worker 1: Yes I did.
Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.
Worker 1: Why thankyou…
Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!
Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.
Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.
Worker 1: Thankyou!
Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.
Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.
Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?
Guy 1 snaps out of it.
Guy 1: Hm?
Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?
Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.
Worker 1 holds up a stick.
Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.
Guy 1: Interesting.
Worker 1: I hit people with it.
Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?
Worker 1: Its name is Steve.
Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?
Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.
Guy 1: I-
Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!
To be continued...
Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!
Guy 1 looks around.
Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.
Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!
Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.
Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.
Worker 1 looks proud.
Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.
Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.
Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…
Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.
Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.
Worker 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?
Guy 2: What?
Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?
Guy 2: No…
Worker 1: Please?
Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.
Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!
Guy 2 gets up and walks away.
Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!
Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.
Worker 1: Nooooooo!
Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.
Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?
Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?
Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!
Guy 1: And issues.
Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?
Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.
Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!
Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!
Worker 1: Exactly.
Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.
Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.
Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…
Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…
Guy 1: Uh…
Worker 1: By we I mean me.
Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.
Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.
Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?
Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.
Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?
Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.
Guy 1: I’m human.
Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.
Guy 1: Scientists?
Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.
Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.
Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.
Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.
Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?
Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.
Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.
Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-
Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?
Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.
Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?
Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.
Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?
Guy 1: I’m not alien.
Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!
Guy 1: That makes no sense.
Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!
Guy 1: You’re strange.
Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.
Guy 1: OK…
Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.
Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.
Worker 1: Good.
Guy 1: No more.
Worker 1: Yes OK.
Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.
Worker 1: OK story time.
Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.
Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.
Guy 1: And what are they telling you?
Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…
Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.
Worker 1: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.
Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.
Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?
Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!
Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.
Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.
Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?
While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.
Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!
Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.
Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.
Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.
Worker 1: It was.
Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.
Worker 1: Yes I did.
Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.
Worker 1: Why thankyou…
Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!
Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.
Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.
Worker 1: Thankyou!
Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.
Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.
Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?
Guy 1 snaps out of it.
Guy 1: Hm?
Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?
Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.
Worker 1 holds up a stick.
Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.
Guy 1: Interesting.
Worker 1: I hit people with it.
Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?
Worker 1: Its name is Steve.
Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?
Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.
Guy 1: I-
Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!
To be continued...
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
CBM 13: Certain Doom! Dooooom!
Authors note: Hey isn't it cool that chapter 13 is called "Certain Doom! Dooooom!"? I think it's cool even though I have no superstitious affiliations with the number 13. I didn't plan that you know. Story time!
Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?
Guy 1 looks up.
Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…
Girl 2: By the way… who are you?
Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…
Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.
Guy 1 looks at his hand.
Guy 1: My hand?
Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.
Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.
Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?
Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.
Girl 2: I see…
Guy 1: Can I get past you now?
Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.
Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?
Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!
Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.
Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?
Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.
Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!
Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.
Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.
Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.
Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.
Worker 1: When did I say that?
Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.
Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!
Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!
Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.
Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.
Worker 1: Just do your job.
Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.
Worker 1: Why are you a llama?
Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.
Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.
Girl 2: Raaarrr!
Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.
Girl 2: Raarr?
Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.
Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone
Girl 2: We meet at last…
Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?
Girl 2: No I expect you to die!
Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Why won’t you die?
Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.
Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?
Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?
Guy 1: No.
Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!
Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.
Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.
Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?
Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.
Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.
Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?
Guy 1: Yes.
Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.
Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!
Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…
The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.
Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.
Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.
Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.
Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.
Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…
Girl 2 takes out her phone again.
Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…
Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?
Girl 2: What is with you and your face?
Worker 1: Huh?
Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.
Worker 1: You mean the shops?
Girl 2: Yes.
Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.
Girl 2: You make no sense.
Worker 1: Stop saying that!
Girl 2: Make me.
Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.
Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!
Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.
Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?
Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.
Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?
Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?
Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!
Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!
Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…
Girl 2: Pie Llama out!
Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.
Worker 1: We meet at last.
Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?
Worker 1: No… but I know you…
Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.
Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.
Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…
Guy 1: Huh?
Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.
To be continued...
Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?
Guy 1 looks up.
Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…
Girl 2: By the way… who are you?
Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…
Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.
Guy 1 looks at his hand.
Guy 1: My hand?
Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.
Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.
Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?
Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.
Girl 2: I see…
Guy 1: Can I get past you now?
Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.
Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?
Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!
Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.
Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?
Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.
Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!
Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.
Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.
Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.
Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.
Worker 1: When did I say that?
Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.
Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!
Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!
Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.
Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.
Worker 1: Just do your job.
Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.
Worker 1: Why are you a llama?
Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.
Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.
Girl 2: Raaarrr!
Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.
Girl 2: Raarr?
Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.
Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone
Girl 2: We meet at last…
Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?
Girl 2: No I expect you to die!
Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.
Guy 1: Uh…
Girl 2: Why won’t you die?
Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.
Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?
Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?
Guy 1: No.
Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!
Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.
Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.
Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?
Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.
Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.
Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?
Guy 1: Yes.
Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.
Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?
Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.
Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!
Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.
Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.
Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…
The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.
Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.
Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.
Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.
Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.
Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…
Girl 2 takes out her phone again.
Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…
Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?
Girl 2: What is with you and your face?
Worker 1: Huh?
Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.
Worker 1: You mean the shops?
Girl 2: Yes.
Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.
Girl 2: You make no sense.
Worker 1: Stop saying that!
Girl 2: Make me.
Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.
Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!
Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.
Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.
Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?
Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.
Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?
Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?
Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!
Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!
Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…
Girl 2: Pie Llama out!
Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.
Worker 1: We meet at last.
Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?
Worker 1: Huh?
Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?
Worker 1: No… but I know you…
Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.
Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!
Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.
Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…
Guy 1: Huh?
Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.
To be continued...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
CBM 7: Sesame Street
Cut to: Guy 1 walking down the path next to the shops.
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
Guy 1: Hey.
Guy 1 waves to a passing person and they just keep walking. Guy 1’s arm drops down and he shakes his head slowly and walks away. On the other side of the car park Worker 1 is standing. He gets out his phone and calls Worker 2 who is on the other side of the shopping complex.
Worker 1: He’s walking down the street.
Worker 2: Roger that.
Worker 1: Don’t say that.
Worker 2: We don’t talk anymore…
Worker 1: That would be why.
Worker 1 hangs up and walks after Guy 1. Guy 1 walks into Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 is on the couch. Guy 1 goes over and sits down.
Guy 1: Hey. What you watching?
Guy 2: Sesame Street.
Guy 1: What?
Guy 2: The adult version.
Elmo: Yo’ Elmo’s going to pop a cap in your (BEEP) if yo’ don’t pay up big bird!
Big Bird: Oh I’m sorry Elmo I’ll get ya the money I swear! I just need more time! The teenagers at the local high school are trying out for the football team soon so I can get you the money after then.
Elmo: Not good enough.
There’s the sound of a gunshot from the TV. Guy 1 is staring at it with a look of total surprise and intrigue. When he heres the shot he jumps back.
Guy 1: Dude… my childhood has become somewhat more traumatic.
Guy 2: Yeah… it makes you think…
Guy 1 shakes his head slowly.
Guy 1: So much blood…
Ernie: Bert… why did you hurt mister rubber ducky? And what happened to him after you hit him?
Bert: Because he looked at me funny! And nothing happened to him… Now shut up and eat your roast duck…
Ernie: But it’s all yellow!
Bert: Shuddup or I pop a cap in your-
Guy 1 quickly turns off the TV.
Guy 1: That was… horrific…
Guy 2: I know… and fun to watch…
Guy 1: No… just horrific.
Guy 2: Meh… I guess you have to get used to the immense about of violence and drug usage in it before you can enjoy it like I do.
Guy 1: No you just have to use an immense amount of drugs before you can enjoy it like you do.
Guy 2: Or that…
Cameraman: Uh… yeah let’s never watch that again.
Guy 2: Why not?
Cameraman: For the stability of our already screwed-up mental and emotional state.
Guy 2: OK fine…
Guy 2 grabs the remote off Guy 1.
Guy 2: Yoink!
Guy 2 turns the TV back on.
Elmo: Wadda ya mean you’re pregnant Grouch? I thought you were a man!
Grouch: I am! Now leave me alone I have some dead bodies to get rid of… this trashcan serves a purpose you know!
Guy 1: Please make it stop!
Guy 2: OK fine.
Guy 2 turns it off.
Guy 2: Now why are you over here again?
Guy 1: I’m here to talk about the CCC.
Guy 2: Yeah about that. We should have a code name for it so we don’t have to refer to it by its name just in case someone is listening.
Guy 1: Don’t be stupid… no ones listening in on us right now…
Meanwhile, outside, there was a man dressed completely in black staring through the window.
Guy 2: OK I guess you’re right… so have you got any suggestions?
Guy 1: Well… how about SAC?
Guy 2: Songwriters Association of Canada?
Guy 1: Well it doesn’t have to stand for that but yeah…
Guy 2: OK.
Cameraman: I like that name… it even can be said without spelling it out…
Guy 2: Sack… ok lets not call it that.
Guy 1: Or we could just say it “SAC” from now on instead.
Guy 2: Yeah I guess it’s easier than thinking of a whole other three random letters from the alphabet.
Guy 1: It always is.
Guy 2: So let’s just call it the SAC from now on… so what do we do now?
Guy 1: I don’t know.
Guy 2: Hey lets order pizza only this time let’s beat up that annoying pizza guy.
Guy 1: That guy looks so retarded.
Meanwhile, outside, Worker 1 is standing next to the figure in black. They turn to face each other.
Worker 1: Hello…
Dark figure: Hello.
Worker 1: Uh… yeah why are you here?
Dark figure: Why are you?
Worker 1: Good point.
Worker 1 turns away and takes out his mobile.
Worker 1: OK I’ve found out more about our target… he’s apparently a member of…
Worker 1 looks at his palm.
Worker 1: The SAC.
Worker 2: The songwriters association of Canada?
Worker 1: Uh I’m not quite sure I missed part of the conversation. It might have something to do with the Navy though.
Worker 2: What makes you say that?
Worker 1: Don’t know I’m just throwing ideas around.
Dark figure: It might be to do with a rare type of cheese.
Worker 1 looks behind at Dark figure.
Worker 1: Excuse me don’t eavesdrop.
Dark figure: Sorry… but it’s what I do…
Worker 1: OK then…
Worker 1 turns back to the phone.
Worker 1: Anyway I have to go now. We will continue to find out more about the subject.
Worker 2: Maybe we should give it a name.
Worker 1: Hm… I see you’re point. “Subject” reminds me of school.
Worker 2: I suggest we call it-
Worker 3: O-li-o-li-oooo!
Worker 1: You! Stop messing around with the three-way button!
Worker 2: It’s not my fault they wanted to know how to use a phone.
Worker 1: This is why we don’t go anywhere together! You always bring the rest of them along with you!
Worker 2: I think we should all have a tea party.
Worker 3: Oooooh! I see what’s going on here between you two!
Worker 1: Shut up! There’s nothing between us we’re just friends!
Worker 2: Yeah! Just friends!
Worker 3: Sure! I believe you!
Worker 1: Well… you should…
Worker 2: Yes, like we were saying, we should give the… thing a name…
Worker 1: Yeah… any suggestions?
Worker 2: How about… Ultratron the megatroid?
Worker 1: How about I come up with a name instead?
Worker 2: OK if you think it’s best.
Worker 1: Trust me… I do…
Worker 2: See you at our headquarters.
Worker 1: Headquarters?
Worker 2: My house.
Worker 3: Ohhhh! You two in a tree K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: Do you even know how to spell the word “Kiss”?
Worker 3: S-S-S-S-S-S-
Worker 1: I’ll take that as a no.
Worker 1 and 2 hang up and Worker 3 is still there holding the phone.
Worker 3: S-S-S-S uh… another S… and… ing… hello? Hello? Oh they hung up on me! Again!
Worker 3 hangs up and growls at the phone.
To be continued...
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