CBM 15: Fatty Bilby

Guy 1: Do you think Steve likes being used as a weapon?

Worker 1: Dude it’s just a stick you’d don’t have to personify it. Gosh. I mean seriously you talk as if it can actually think and has emotions. Are you retarded?

Guy 1: If I say yes will you let me go?

Worker 1: No I just won’t mock you about your stupidity. That’d just be mean.

Guy 1: Ah and I see how kidnapping me is the kind thing to do.

Worker 1: Oh good I don’t have to explain it to you then.

Guy 1: (To himself) Why haven’t my friends come to rescue me yet?

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Guy 2 is watching the TV.

Elmo: Why did you hit Elmo?

Big Bird: Because I’m sick of you always using me as a tool for revenue! I am not an ATM machine! I’m an unidentified bird thing!

Elmo: Elmo should’ve left you in the ditch by the side of the road.

The sounds of gunshots can be heard.

Elmo: You aren’t so big now are you?

Guy 2 chuckles to himself.

Guy 2: Oh man… that Elmo is one awesomely violent felt puppet…

Cameraman: Hey where’s that guy?

Guy 2 turns off the TV.

Guy 2: What guy?

Cameraman: I don’t know his name… you know… the one that always comes here and eats your food and abuses your dog?

Guy 2: What dog?

Cameraman: Oh never mind…

Guy 2: You be quiet now. Me watching TV…

Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Elmo: Elmo now has nuclear weapon! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Guy 1: They should be coming any moment now…

Worker 1: Oh don’t worry, you’re friends will never find us! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to the corner of her mouth.

Guy 1: Oh seriously why do you do that?

Worker 1: It makes me feel special OK?

Guy 1: Don’t worry I’m sure people think you’re special too.

Worker 1: Well… good for them then.

Cut to: Guy 2’s house.

Guy 4 walks up to the door and knocks. Guy 2 opens the door.

Guy 4: Hey. Why are you here?

Guy 2: I… live here?

Guy 4: This is where the CCC holds meetings…

Guy 2: Since when? This is my house.

Guy 4: Are you sure?

Guy 4 walks in and looks around.

Guy 4: Wow it really does look similar…

Guy 2: So is a meeting being held?

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 2: You’re here for a reason.

Guy 4: Am I? Oh! Oh yeah. Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped.

Guy 2: Who?

Guy 4: That guy… that…

Guy 2 looks at him strangely.

Guy 4: The guy with large retarded hair.

Guy 2: Oh!

Cameraman: How come when I ask you about him you don’t know anything but he tells you and you get it?

Guy 2: I don’t know… it’s one of those mysteries of the universe… like why the Simpson’s never age…

Guy 4: Yes well we can’t have one of our members in captivity… we must save him.

Guy 2: What if he’s in a zoo? Can’t we just throw popcorn at him and make faces? Maybe he’ll throw faeces at us and get real mad.

Guy 4: That’s a sickening idea.

Guy 2: Hey I don’t see you coming up with ideas.

Guy 4: That’s because you keep interrupting me before I can say important things! It seems to occur every time I talk.

Guy 2: Excuses, excuses.

Guy 4: OK we must find this guy. It’s very important that we recover him soon or everything I’ve worked so hard to achieve will be lost.

Guy 2: I don’t see how he’s so important.

Guy 4: Silence! Find me Crazy Bilby!

Guy 2: Yeesh. Calm down man. For a short guy you sure are easy to anger.

Guy 4: I’m not short!

Guy 2: Oh now who’s in denial?

Guy 4: Shut up! Find me him before everything is lost! I must go now… I have an embroidery lesson. Today we’re going to learn how to thread a needle.

Guy 4 walks out the door.

Guy 2: What was that all about?

Cameraman: Meh. Who cares? Let’s just find Fatty Bilby and stop him from complaining.

Guy 2: Crazy Bilby.

Cameraman: Oh now you’re complaining too? Don’t make me go analogue on you’re hieny.

Guy 2: Don’t you mean medieval?

Cameraman: Oh seriously you find faults in everything I do! “You didn’t film this right” “you missed this classic moment” “you filmed too many bloopers and not enough non-blooper type things…” Seriously just leave my filming style alone!

Guy 2: I never said anything about the way you film…

Cameraman: You’re bringing me down…

Guy 2: OK I’m sorry.

Cameraman: You’re forgiven… now let’s go find… that… guy…

(Long pause)

Guy 2: Shouldn’t you lead the way?

Cameraman: I thought you would.

Guy 2: No you said the dramatic thing I’m the one that follows.

Cameraman: You’re just making me do all the work because of my cameraman sense aren’t you?

Guy 2: Yes.

Cameraman: Cameramancist…

Cut to: Guy 4 at some undisclosed location.

Guy 4 approaches Guy 3 and 5 who are sitting down doing nothing.

Guy 4: Our plans have to be put on hold for a moment.

Guy 3: What!? Why?

Guy 4: There has been a setback. Code name Crazy Bilby has been kidnapped and therefore incapable of fulfilling his purpose.

Guy 3: This is an unfortunate setback… have we got a back up?

Guy 4: No… we must recover him without fail.

Guy 3: OK. I’ll get right on it.

To be continued...