"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

CBM 13: Certain Doom! Dooooom!

Authors note: Hey isn't it cool that chapter 13 is called "Certain Doom! Dooooom!"? I think it's cool even though I have no superstitious affiliations with the number 13. I didn't plan that you know. Story time!

Guy 1 is walking towards the shops when he sees a person in front of him. He moves to the side but she moves also. He moves to the other side but she once again moves in his way.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Tell me… what are the clouds doing?

Guy 1 looks up.

Guy 1: Uh… they’re floating around in the sky…

Girl 2: By the way… who are you?

Girl 2 turns around and points a fluffy pen at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Uh… I’m not sure I should tell ya…

Girl 2: That’s an interesting sword you’re carrying.

Guy 1 looks at his hand.

Guy 1: My hand?

Girl 2: You must be it’s chosen wielder.

Guy 1: Uh… yes I was born with it.

Girl 2: Tell me… Do people laugh at you for that?

Guy 1: It’s… a hand… people don’t laugh… not that I know of.

Girl 2: I see…

Guy 1: Can I get past you now?

Girl 2: Well I really don’t feel like letting you past.

Guy 1: Will you change your mind anytime soon?

Girl 2: I might change my mind… after I defeat you… ya!

Girl 2 waves her pen at Guy 1’s stomach. It does nothing and he looks down then back up at her.

Guy 1: OK you’ve “defeated” me… now can I get past you?

Girl 2: No. I don’t want you too.

Guy 1: Well too bad. Nice meeting you deranged lady I’m leaving now.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: Come back! I can still bite your legs off!

Girl 2 shakes her fist in the air for a few seconds before taking out her mobile and calling Worker 1.

Girl 2: Come in Cheese lover. Come in Cheese lover. This is Pie Llama.

Worker 1: I don’t get these codenames. They’re kind of weird.

Girl 2: Well you promised me that I could make up whatever codenames I wanted.

Worker 1: When did I say that?

Girl 2: Uh… when you… did… anyway, it’s no good. I tried my hardest to delay him and he walked past me.

Worker 1: Well don’t just stand there! Try again! We must stop him from getting to the shops at all costs! Don’t force us to use plan B!

Girl 2: Why not? I like plan B! Plan B is a good plan! Much better than plan A!

Worker 1: Yes but Plan B is more extreme that’s why we made it plan B.

Girl 2: Well I say we should’ve called it plan A.

Worker 1: Just do your job.

Girl 2: OK, Pie Llama out.

Worker 1: Why are you a llama?

Girl 2: Because llamas are smexy.

Girl 2 hangs up and looks towards the direction of the shops. Guy 1 is walking along when all of a sudden Girl 2 jumps out in front of him and puts her arms out like a bear.

Girl 2: Raaarrr!

Guy 1 pauses then keeps going and walks around Girl 2. Girl 2 turns around still with her arms up.

Girl 2: Raarr?

Guy 1 is even further up the path when Girl 2 walks out in front of him again.

Guy 1: If there’s something you want I’m sure the people in white coats can help you get it. Please leave me alone

Girl 2: We meet at last…

Guy 1: Do you expect me to put up with you?

Girl 2: No I expect you to die!

Girl 2 pokes Guy 1 in the stomach gently.

Guy 1: Uh…

Girl 2: Why won’t you die?

Girl 2 keeps poking Guy 1 in the stomach.

Guy 1: Because… I don’t feel like dying?

Girl 2: Ugh… fine… OK here’s the deal. Don’t go to the shops to tell people the world is ending anymore or something bad will happen. Kapeesh?

Guy 1: No.

Girl 2: Look! Terrible things are going to happen! It’s going to happen to you! And you! And you!

Girl 2 points to Guy 1 then at Cameraman then at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You pointed at me twice.

Girl 2: You’ll be trapped forever! A twisted tail! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: What has Eeeppaa have to do with this?

Girl 2: Huh? No! I just say that after sentences sometimes… Eeeeppaaa!

Guy 1: Ah ha…

Girl 2: Just turn around and go back to where you came from… wherever that is.

Guy 1: Yeah about that… I don’t feel like it.

Girl 2: Ah… and I’m trying to force you aren’t I?

Guy 1: Yes.

Girl 2: And how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Uh… annoyed?

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: I already told you. You’re repeating yourself.

Girl 2: Interesting… and how does that make you feel?

Guy 1: Angry. Now get out of my way.

Girl 2: But… you’ll have something bad happen to you! Eeeeppaaa! Eeeeeeppppaaaa!

Guy 1: Yeah… I’m leaving. I have people to yell at.

Guy 1 walks past Girl 2.

Girl 2: No you moron! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Guy 1: Yeah yeah I know yadda yadda blah blah blah certain doom I’ve heard it all before…

The screen blurs in and out and Guy 1 is standing in brown clothes and a hat. He walks up to a small object on a raised pedestal. Sweat rolls down his forehead and he holds up a bag of sand in one hand. He thinks back to what an old man had once told him.

Guy 2: (In old man voice) Certain doom faces you if you go into the Temple of Doom! Doooooommm! They don’t call it that for nothing you know. Eh forget it… no one listens to old people… I think I’ll go yell at some young people on my lawn.

Guy 1: Man… my grandfather is really ugly… and annoying… and familiar looking… ok here goes nothing.

Guy 1 switches the object with the bag of sand and a wooden plank falls from the sky and hits him on the head and knocks him unconscious.

Cut to: Guy 1 on the street.

Guy 1: That is the last time I ignore the warning of strange old people…

Girl 2 takes out her phone again.

Girl 2: OK I’ve tried everything I can think of… unless… nah I don’t have any llamas with me…

Worker 1: What is with you and Llamas?

Girl 2: What is with you and your face?

Worker 1: Huh?

Girl 2: Never mind. He’s still proceeding to the Cheese pie. I repeat, the Orang-utan man is on his way to the Cheese pie.

Worker 1: You mean the shops?

Girl 2: Yes.

Worker 1: Why is it called a “cheese pie”? That makes no sense.

Girl 2: You make no sense.

Worker 1: Stop saying that!

Girl 2: Make me.

Worker 1: Grr! One of these days I will… but in the meantime I have to put plan B into action.

Girl 2: Oh yay! Finally we get to see your evil plan!

Worker 1: Yes I am quite evil.

Worker 1 puts her pinky finger to her mouth.

Girl 2: You’re not putting your pinky in you mouth are you?

Worker 1 quickly puts her finger down.

Worker 1: Uh… no… why would I do that?

Girl 2: Dunno. Because you have issues?

Worker 1: Leave my issues out of this!

Girl 2: I’ll leave whatever I want out of this!

Worker 1: Well I have to go now… ugh… Cheese lover out…

Girl 2: Pie Llama out!

Girl 2 hangs up the phone. Guy 1 continues walking up the street and turns the corner and walks into the parking lot at the shops. He walks up along the path and meets face to face with Worker 1.

Worker 1: We meet at last.

Guy 1: Oh no… you don’t expect me to die do you?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Nevermind. Do I know you?

Worker 1: No… but I know you…

Guy 1: Oh… well the world is ending soon.

Worker 1: For you it is! Mwahahahahaha!

Worker 1 puts their pinky finger to the corner of their mouth. Nothing happens.

Worker 1: That’s the secret signal… the finger…

Guy 1: Huh?

Before Guy 1 can do anything Worker 2 jumps out from the side and puts a bag over Guy 1’s head. The screen goes blank for a moment.

To be continued...

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