Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.
Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!
Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…
Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.
Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.
Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…
Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.
Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.
Guy 1: Huh?
Worker 1: We like the band.
Guy 1: Ah.
Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.
Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?
Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.
Worker 1: Oh not you…
Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.
Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?
Worker 1 is looking around.
Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?
Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.
Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?
Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.
Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!
Worker 1: That’s nice.
Worker 3: Ugh…
Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.
Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?
Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?
Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?
Guy 1: No.
Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S
Guy 1: Oh forget this.
Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.
Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?
Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.
Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…
Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?
Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.
Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!
Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?
Guy 1: Uh… sure…
Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.
Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…
Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.
Guy 1: Hey…
Guy 2: Hey…
Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?
Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 2: Yeah…
Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?
Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…
Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.
Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?
Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.
Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.
Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!
Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.
Cameraman: What was up with that?
Guy 2: I’m not sure…
Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.
Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…
Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.
Worker 1: Gah!
Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.
Guy 2: It’s… you!
Worker 1: No it isn’t!
Guy 1: You know this person?
Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!
Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.
Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?
Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…
Guy 1: That’s… creepy…
Guy 2: You’re telling me…
Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?
Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?
Worker 1: Yes?
Guy 2: No.
Worker 1: Aw. Please?
Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!
Everyone turns to Girl 1.
Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.
Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!
Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!
Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!
Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.
Guy 2: Ow!
Guy 1 gasps.
Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!
Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!
Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!
Girl 1: Scottish!
Guy 1: Same difference.
Girl 1: No it isn’t!
Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…
Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.
Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?
Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!
Everyone stares at Girl 1.
Girl 1: What?
Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.
Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…
Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.
Girl 1: Shut up you!
Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.
Guy 1: Really? OK.
Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.
Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?
Guy 2: Not like that.
Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.
Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.
Girl 1: To the park!
Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.
Guy 1: What’s on the roof?
Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.
Guy 1 looks up.
Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…
Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.
Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?
Worker 3: Sure.
Worker 2 runs in.
Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!
Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.
Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.
Worker 2: Noooooo!
Cut to: The park.
Guy 2: Hey! We found him!
Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.
Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.
Guy 1: Why?
Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.
Guy 1: Make me.
Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.
Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!
Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.
Guy 2: Never do.
Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!
Girl 1: Well you still suck.
Guy 4: Bah! It talks!
Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!
Guy 4: (Scared) OK.
Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.
Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.
Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!
Everyone stops and stares for a moment.
Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.
Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.
Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…
Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?
Guy 1: Hey!
Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!
Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!
Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!
Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.
Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?
Guy 4: Who do you suggest?
Guy 1: Uh… Him!
Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.
Guy 1: Yes!
Guy 2: Yes!
Guy 4: Darn!
Guy 1: What?
Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.
Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.
Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.
Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!
Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.
Everyone laughs again.
Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!
Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.
Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?
Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.
Guy 1: Dunno.
The Dark Figure approaches them.
Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!
The Dark figure holds up a knife.
Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!
Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!
The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.
Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…
Guy 1: Run!