CBM 17: Choo-Choo The End! Choo-Choo

Guy 1 is sleeping when Worker 1 walks in the door and claps her hands loudly.

Worker 1: Come on! Wake up!

Guy 1: Five more minutes mummy…

Worker 1: I’m not you’re mummy.

Guy 1: (Suddenly awake) Oh no I’ve been kidnapped.

Worker 1: OK at least you still have a grasp on reality after all the torture I’ve been putting you through…

Guy 1: You mean talking non-stop and calling me names like “ape man”, “orang-utan thing”, “Strange Biped” and your apparent favourite “Ug-fug the Fugly monkey”.

Worker 1: Yeah about that. We had a raffle to determine what we should call you. It was that or “Artic monkey”.

Guy 1: Huh?

Worker 1: We like the band.

Guy 1: Ah.

Worker 1: I’m afraid you’re creating a problem for us.

Worker 3: Oooooohhh! A problem eh?

Worker 1 turns around and sees Worker 3.

Worker 1: Oh not you…

Worker 3 puts her hands up and waves to an imaginary crowd as the sound of clapping and cheering plays. Worker 1 and Guy 1 look around confused.

Worker 3: I see what’s going on between you two. Tying him up eh?

Worker 1 is looking around.

Worker 1: Where did the clapping come from? And more importantly why did anyone clap for you?

Worker 3: Because I’m better than you and I’m full of awesomeness.

Worker 1: Did you hide a tape recorder some where?

Worker 1 is looking at the floor and ignoring Worker 3.

Worker 3: Hey! Pay attention! I’m mocking you!

Worker 1: That’s nice.

Worker 3: Ugh…

Worker 1 goes off searching on the floor for a tape recorder and Worker 3 goes over to Guy 1.

Worker 3: You. Ug-fug the Fugly Monkey. How are you?

Guy 1: Starving… and monkeys have tails and do you see a tail?

Worker 3: Only nerds care. Do I look like I have a nerd?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: Exactly. So… you and her eh?

Guy 1: No.

Worker 3: K-I-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S

Guy 1: Oh forget this.

Guy 1 slips out of his ropes and gets up.

Worker 3: S-S-S wait huh? How’d you do that?

Guy 1: You forgot to feed me. I need constant feeding to maintain my slim figure of a hundred and three or I waste away to nothing really quickly.

Worker 3: Oh… well… I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you…

Guy 1: Can you make it only look like you’re trying to stop me but not really?

Worker 3 looks behind her to where Worker 1 is behind a table on the floor.

Worker 1: Where is that tape recorder!? I know it’s here somewhere!

Worker 3: OK. You run and I run after you waving my arms going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” OK?

Guy 1: Uh… sure…

Guy 1 turns around, opens the nearby door and runs out into the garage. The garage door is open so he makes a dash for it but it starts closing. Worker 3 is running after him slowly going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” The garage door is nearly closed before Guy 1 gets there. He slides under it and turns around and grabs a hat from the other side just before it closes. He gets up and puts the hat on then takes it off and looks at it.

Guy 1: Wait a second… I didn’t use to have a hat…

Guy 1 chucks it away and runs down the street and instantly runs into Guy 2 and Girl 1.

Guy 1: Hey…

Guy 2: Hey…

Guy 1: How did you know where to find me?

Guy 2: Well… we were told by a random on the street…

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 2: Yeah…

Guy 1: So can we go to your house now?

Guy 2: Uh… you just came from there…

Guy 1 turns around and sees Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1: But… that’s where those strange clones held me… I was in your house and you didn’t know!?

Guy 2: No. I only know where the kitchen, the TV, the computer and my bedroom are. I don’t know any other parts of the house.

Just then Worker 3 runs out of the house going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms.

Guy 2: Whoa! It’s you!

Worker 3 stops and looks at Guy 2 before turning around and going “gah! Blah! Gahblahmafa! Aaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and waving her arms about all the way back into the house.

Cameraman: What was up with that?

Guy 2: I’m not sure…

Guy 2 walks over to the house. He walks through the door to the garage then to the sewing room.

Guy 2: Hey wow I’ve never been in this room before…

Worker 1 leaps off the floor and looks at Guy 2.

Worker 1: Gah!

Worker 1 quickly hides back behind a table.

Guy 2: It’s… you!

Worker 1: No it isn’t!

Guy 1: You know this person?

Guy 2: Well… yeah… come on out from under there!

Worker 1 slowly gets up along with Worker 3 who is also hiding behind a table.

Guy 2: What are you doing in my house?

Worker 1: Well you know… after you rejected me in that flashback where I asked you to tattoo my name on your forehead I never left your house… I found this sewing room and I’ve been living with you ever since…

Guy 1: That’s… creepy…

Guy 2: You’re telling me…

Worker 1: So yeah… no hard feelings about kidnapping your friend and stalking you for the past year and a half while living in your mothers sewing room?

Guy 2: What do you think the answer is?

Worker 1: Yes?

Guy 2: No.

Worker 1: Aw. Please?

Girl 1: Well you’ve been stalking him for the past year and a half of course he’s not going to forgive you!

Everyone turns to Girl 1.

Guy 1: Whoa… don’t look now but you have a speaker behind you’re head.

Girl 1: There’s no speaker behind my head!

Guy 2: Whoa! There’s one on her mouth instead!

Girl 1: I’m talking you fool!

Girl 1 backhands Guy 2.

Guy 2: Ow!

Guy 1 gasps.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! You’re Irish!

Girl 1: I’m Scottish you moron!

(Pause)

Guy 1: Oh my gosh you’re Irish!

Girl 1: Scottish!

Guy 1: Same difference.

Girl 1: No it isn’t!

Cameraman: But… you can’t talk…

Girl 1: Yes I can. I just never could be bothered before now.

Worker 1: Um… have I become unimportant now that everything about me has been explained?

Girl 1: Yes! It’s my time to shine now! Choo-choo! You suck! Choo-choo!

Everyone stares at Girl 1.

Girl 1: What?

Guy 1: I liked it better when I thought she was mute.

Guy 2: Yeah she wasn’t as strange…

Guy 1: And didn’t make train noises.

Girl 1: Shut up you!

Guy 2: Hey wait. The leader of the SAC was looking for you.

Guy 1: Really? OK.

Guy 2: Yeah he said something about needing you… he sounded desperate.

Guy 1: Uh… are you sure I want him to find me?

Guy 2: Not like that.

Guy 1: Oh thank goodness.

Guy 2: Yeah we should go find him now. I heard he was at the park.

Girl 1: To the park!

Girl 1 points to the ceiling dramatically.

Guy 1: What’s on the roof?

Girl 1: The words “gullible retard”.

Guy 1 looks up.

Girl 1: Made you look! Now let’s go…

Everyone except worker 1 and 3 walk out of the room. Worker 1 looks around at the empty room then turns to Worker 3.

Worker 1: Well I think we don’t need to be here… want to go get some pizza then go house hunting?

Worker 3: Sure.

Worker 2 runs in.

Worker 2: Noooo! I wanted to get pizza and go house hunting with you!

Worker 1: Well too bad. You had your chance and you blew it.

Worker 1 and 3 walk away and Worker 2 stands there for a moment before falling to her knees.

Worker 2: Noooooo!

Cut to: The park.

Guy 2: Hey! We found him!

Guy 4 runs over to Guy 2 closely followed by Guy 5.

Guy 4: Yes! Good! Quickly come with me.

Guy 1: Why?

Guy 4: Don’t ask questions just do what you’re told.

Guy 1: Make me.

Cameraman: He doesn’t need to go anywhere unless you tell him where he’s going and why.

Guy 2: Whoa. You just stood up for someone!

Cameraman: Meh. Don’t expect it to happen often.

Guy 2: Never do.

Guy 4: I am the leader of the Coo-Coo-Clan! The greatest secret society all off time… that is located in Australia!

Girl 1: Well you still suck.

Guy 4: Bah! It talks!

Girl 1: Yeah I do so you better start listening to what I say!

Guy 4: (Scared) OK.

Girl 1 waves her hand as she talks.

Girl 1: You will tell me where you’re taking him and why.

Guy 4: We need his soul. John Howard has made a deal with the devil to stay in office and I have found a way to get rid of him. But I need you’re immortal soul for a satanic sacrifice so I can get a better politician in office and rule Australia unopposed by short bald men!

Everyone stops and stares for a moment.

Guy 1: O… K… bet no one saw that one coming.

Everyone turns and faces the camera for a few seconds and Worker 2 pops up from nowhere and then crouches back down slowly. Everyone turns back to Guy 4.

Guy 4: So you see… you can let your friend live or get John Howard voted out of office…

Guy 2: Curse you! Why did you make this so hard!?

Guy 1: Hey!

Guy 2: Dude… it’s John Howard! John Howard! You have to die!

Guy 1: No way man! If you want him out of parliament so badly why don’t you offer your immortal soul as tribute to the devil? Because there’s no way I am!

Guy 4: You don’t get a choice in this! Give up your soul willingly or we’ll tickle you into submission!

Guy 5 advances on Guy 1.

Guy 1: No wait! What if we get someone else’s soul instead?

Guy 4: Who do you suggest?

Guy 1: Uh… Him!

Guy 1 points behind Guy 4 and everyone looks. A person is standing there. He turns around and gasps.

Person: Me!?

Guy 1: Yes!

Guy 2: Yes!

Guy 4: Darn!

Person: OK.

Guy 1: What?

Person: Hey I’m just an extra. I don’t even have a name. Sure I’ll give you my soul. This is just a movie after all.

Guy 1: Uh… technically none of us have names but OK. Whatever you say.

Guy 4: Well OK. Let’s sacrifice him instead.

Cameraman: Well I’m glad that’s all sorted out. Now lets all go get some chocolate frosty milk shakes!

Everyone laughs.

Cameraman: But I wasn’t making a joke.

Everyone laughs again.

Cameraman: Stop laughing at me! It hurt’s my feelings!

Everyone keeps laughing until Guy 2 interrupts.

Guy 2: Hey who’s that guy over there that keeps following us?

Guy 2 points to a guy dressed completely in black.

Guy 1: Dunno.

The Dark Figure approaches them.

Guy 2: Hey he’s coming over here!

The Dark figure holds up a knife.

Guy 2: Oh and he’s got a really cool knife to show us!

Guy 1: This day just gets better and better!

The Screen goes black and the words “The End” appear on the screen.

Guy 2: Hey wait a second… he’s not showing off his knife…

Guy 1: Run!

Everyone screams.

The End.