CBM 11: Santa Claus is Real

Guy 4: OK and you can just be called Dark Phoenix because… yeah I can’t be bothered coming with anything and it’s the name on my watch.

Guy 2: But you’re not wearing a watch.

Guy 4: I never said anything about a watch…

Guy 2: Yes you did… just then… didn’t he?

Guy 2 turns to everyone and they shake their head.

Guy 2: But… I thought… it sounded like… ugh I’m confused!

Guy 2 clutches his head and rocks back and forth.

Guy 4: Can someone get the baby his bottle?

Guy 2: Yeah! I’m thirsty… hey wait a second! You mean that in a way that’s not a good one!

Guy 4: A bad way?

Guy 2: Yeah! And wait a second how come I’m the one acting stupid and not you?

Guy 2 points to Guy 1 and Guy 1 stares blankly off into space.

Guy 1: Potatoes…

Guy 2: Uh… OK ignore what I just said he’s still the stupid one.

Guy 1: legumes… leg… umes…

Girl 1 waves her hand in front of Guy 1’s face then hits Guy 1 on the back of the head.

(Pause)

Guy 1 looks around suddenly in random directions. He touches the back of his head and looks confused.

Guy 1: What was that? Hey has anyone seen a really big fly because I think something touched me…

Guy 2: So anyway. Do we get to learn their names?

Guy 2 motions towards Guy 3 and 5 with his head.

Guy 3: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 5: You don’t need to know our names.

Guy 3: What he said.

Guy 5: What he said.

Guy 3: Hey wait…

Guy 5: Hey wait…

Guy 3: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 5: Are you copying everything I say?

Guy 3: I think you are…

Guy 5: I think you are…

Guy 3: Oh this happens everywhere we go…

Guy 5 starts waving.

Guy 3: Oh seriously! Who’d have thought you waving could get so annoying!

Guy 5: I did.

Guy 5 continues to wave.

Guy 4: You two! There’s barely room enough for one person in the cage of torture so don’t make me stuff both of you in it!

Guy 3: Cage of torture?

Guy 5: Cage of torture?

Guy 3: I kill you!

Guy 5: I kill you!

Guy 4: You two!

Guy 5: Uh oh…

Guy 3: He started it!

Guy 4: I don’t care who started it! Wait in the car until I’m down! And if you two don’t behave you’re not going to have any ice cream on the way home!

Guy 5: What happened to the “cage of torture”?

Guy 3: What car? What ice cream!?

Guy 4: The ice cream you’re not getting!

Cameraman: Oh burn! You don’t get any ice cream!

Guy 4: I never said you’re getting any either.

Cameraman: Aww…

Guy 3: I liked it better when I was a drunken alcoholic… at least then I didn’t realise how stupid this sort of thing was.

Guy 4: Well then you should’ve never solved your severe alcohol addiction! That’s the smart thing to do!

Guy 3: Kill myself slowly by destroying my liver and brain cells?

Guy 2: Duh! It’s better than reality!

Guy 2 takes a sip from a bottle and holds it in plain camera view for a few seconds.

Guy 2: Man that tastes really good! If only more people drank it…

Guy 2 stares into the camera smiling creepily.

Cameraman: OK you’re freaking me out now… so I’m going to have a…

The camera shows Guy 4.

Cameraman: scene transition! Whoa!

Cameraman tilts the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Oh yeah the house is sideways and there’s nothing you can do about it!

Guy 4: No it isn’t you just turned the camera on its side.

Cameraman: Shut up! Stop crushing my imagination and inner child!

Guy 4: Santa Claus isn’t real either.

Cameraman: Nooooooooooo! You monster! You lie!

Guy 4: And the Easter Bunny is on crack too.

Cameraman: Stop lying! What makes you lie!?

Guy 4: Repressed rage. Well that’s all we have time for. Congratulations you’re now part of the CCC.

Guy 2: That’s it?

Guy 4: Yes.

Guy 2: No big ceremony with speeches?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 1: No food afterwards?

Guy 4: Nope.

Guy 4 walks out the door with Guy 3 and 5.

Guy 1: But I’m hungry…

Cameraman: Who cares about your fat stomach!? Santa isn’t real! Waaaaa!

Guy 2: Don’t worry cameraman… the mean man didn’t mean those mean things….

Guy 1: Mmm… meat…

Guy 2: Uh… anyway… Don’t worry. Santa is real.

Cameraman: (Sniffs) And the Easter Bunny isn’t a crack whore?

Guy 2: No… He’s completely sober.

Cameraman: She. The Easter Bunny is a she… So is cupid.

Guy 2: Whatever you say…

Cut to: Easter Bunny lying down with bottles around him.

An elf walks through the door.

Elf: Please sir… please get up… the children will be expecting you. They need chocolate.

Easter Bunny: Ugh! Today’s youth are all lazy and FAT! They can all starve and hopefully the bigger ones won’t eat the small ones like last time… I hate all small children! They’re all fat and cannibalistic!

Elf: Please calm down sir… I don’t like it when you’re mad.

Easter Bunny: You’ll like it when I say you like it!

The Easter Bunny apathetically tries to throw a bottle but stops before it leaves his hand and falls asleep.

Cut to: Guy 2.

Guy 2 shivers.

Guy 2: Oh man I never want to be an elf again…

Cameraman: Huh?

Guy 2: Nothing! I’m not an elf…

Guy 2’s eyes dart back and forth.

Cameraman: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Well I uh… have to go do something. Come on you.

Guy 1: Hm? Oh OK.

Guy 1 and 2 walk away leaving Cameraman and Girl 1 behind. Cameraman and Girl 1 go into the living room. Girl 1 sits down on the couch.

Cameraman: So… bored?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah I know how you feel… sometimes I don’t have any lines in a video! Don’t you just hate it when you’re character is treated as an extra?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: Yeah. Us girls have to stick together. You know… kick the boys if they get to full of themselves that sort of thing.

Girl 1 nods her head and smiles.

Cameraman: You’re all right. I wonder why I’ve never seen you before.

Girl 1 shrugs and then sits there looking at cameraman.

(Long pause)

Cameraman: Am I pretty?

Girl 1 looks at her slightly scared. She opens her mouth and thinks for a second.

Cameraman: Sometimes I think the boys don’t like me because every moment I spend with them is recorded and put on the Internet… do you think that’s it?

Girl 1 desperately nods her head hoping cameraman would change the subject if she agreed.

Cameraman: Thanks… that means a lot to me. So what do you think of my clothes?

Girl 1 pauses and then quickly turns to the entrance and puts here hand to her ear and pretends she can hear someone. She nods and turns back to cameraman and gives her a reassuring hand signal and head nod before quickly running out of the room as fast as she can.

Cameraman: Oh now I’m all alone… everybody leaves cameraman for someone else…

Cameraman looks around the room.

Cameraman: Oh I’m so lost without someone to direct me… uh… um… oh! I’ll film the chair… the chair is interesting to film…

(Pause)

Cameraman: OK the chair sucks… what else is there to film?

Guy 1 is looking around the corner and Guy 2 comes up next to him.

Guy 2: What’s going on?

Guy 1: Cameraman’s gone insane and is filming the wall…

Guy 2: Cool. Got any popcorn?

Guy 1: Seven dollars fifty for a small.

Guy 2: Oh you’re worse then the movies…

Guy 1: Yeah I know.

Guy 2: You’re evil

Guy 1: Yeah you keep saying that and I keep telling you I don’t care.

Guy 2: And I keep ignoring you and saying it again.

Guy 1: Yeah so you going to pay me or not?

Guy 2: Oh sorry.

Guy 2 reaches into his pocket and gets out some money.

To be continued...