"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The Holiday Prt 9

You know the drill

Sally: Wow! Business is really picking up!

Woman: Thanks. Here you go kids.

The woman hands cups to her two children and walks off.

Guy 1: Three people! That’s a, uh... three!

Sally: I love how you count. It’s cute.

Guy 1: Well maybe we can count down from 10 together sometime.

Sally: Did you just wink?

Guy 1: No!

Guy 1 blushes.

Sally: Are you blushing?

Guy 1: Definitely!....

Sally: Wha-

Guy 1: Not. Not I mean not.

Sally: I just don’t get it. This business should be booming! Do you think the woman with kids will tell her friends about us?

Guy 1: Women with kids are generally very social and outgoing.

Sally: I’m not entirely sure that’s an accurate portrayal of early motherhood but OK. Hey, let’s take a break from this busy schedule of pizza juice selling and go somewhere nice together.

Sally smiles and moves slightly closer to Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Oh no! She’s plotting to kill me! What am I going to do next to get out of this?

Guy 1: Sure! Let’s go!

Sally grabbed his hand and led him on down the street. They walked together down the simple suburban streets with trees growing on every curb in a fashion that appeared to make a green tunnel of leaves to anyone looking down the road. Guy 1 would’ve been fascinated by how green this place was compared to where he was from in Australia but his mind was predisposed with wondering where Sally was taking him and “hey wow this is what a girls hand feels like”. After a while of brisk walking they jumped a fence and were no longer amongst houses. A large field filled with long grass lay before them. Sally walked onwards towards the centre with Guy 1 following. They lie down in a flattened patch of grass and look up at the late afternoon sky.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: The sky is blank.

Sally: I know.

Guy 1: The sky is always blank where I come from.

Sally: Yes but the big wide blueness... it’s nice.

Guy 1 looks up at the big wide blueness in silence. It was definitely nicer than the big blue wetness also known as the ocean. He looked over at Sally. She was lying there completely distracted by staring at the sky. Her light green tank top blended nicely with the fading green colour of the grass. At a quick glance it could look as if she was just a head sitting there and smiling up at the sky. At first Guy 1 thought that was somewhat pleasant but then soon realised that no, a head just sitting there is quite horrific even if it was a very nice head. Sally indeed had a very nice head. Guy 1 thought her head was very nice. If anyone else was around to notice the niceness of her head they would definitely agree with Guy 1 on how nice it was, which was very. Guy 1 realised his thoughts were becoming very repetitive. Very repetitive indeed. They just kept repeating themselves. He needed a way out of this repetition of the same thing again and again. What to say though? Maybe he could comment on the shade of blue that the sky was-

Guy 1: You’re very pretty.

There was a pause as Sally didn’t move before her head (which was very nice) turned to look at Guy 1.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) WHY DID YOU SAY THAT!? I know you talk without thinking but surely ME, the mind, has SOME influence over you what with control over motor functions and all! Agh! She’s looking at me! She’s looking at me! What do I do!? Oh let’s hope she reacts well. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh. Please don’t laugh.

Sally: (Pause) Hahahahahahaha!

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Please don’t laugh. Please don’t- awww...

Sally: Aww. You’re sweet.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I don’t remember her licking me...

Sally touched Guy 1’s face and smiled.

Sally: What are you thinking?

Guy 1: I don’t remember you licking me.

Sally: Wha-? Oh! Hahahaha no not that kind of sweet silly! Oh you’re classic you are.

Guy 1 smiled.

Sally: Hey are your cheeks sunburnt or something? We haven’t been out here that long...

Guy 1: I’m not sunburnt.

Sally: Ahhh! Hahahaha.

Sally shuffled closer to Guy 1.

Sally: So you’re pretty shy aren’t you?

Guy 1’s head moves back as Sally’s gets closer.

Guy 1: (Meekly) No. What makes you think that?

Sally laughs.

Sally: Oh nothing.

Sally moves even closer to Guy 1. Her body was now touching his.

Sally: Your mouth is shaking.

Guy 1: N-no i-it’s n-not.

Sally laughed again.

Sally: You’re so funny!

Sally’s face moved closer to Guy 1’s. His head hit the ground and he realised he was trapped. It’s important to point out that he is still having random thoughts of her having led him here to kill him. Sally’s approaching smiling face and her arm moving it’s way around him didn’t help these thoughts. She looked like she was about to kill him by blocking off his mouth with hers thus robbing him of oxygen. Then it hit him. This was not a very slow arduous build up to a murder he couldn’t possibly fathom. She was trying to kiss him.

He was feeling very stupid right now for completely misinterpreting that!
Sally took his smile and increased blushing as encouragement to continue and go through with the kiss. She moved in and Guy 1 lifted his head towards hers. They closed their eyes and open their mouths slightly. He could feel her warm breathe as they were just about to make contact.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Guy 1’s phone rings. Sally jumps up in shock at the loud ringing. Guy 1 jumped downwards and hit his head on the ground.

Guy 1: Ow! Damn it!

Sally: You OK? Haha that scared me for a moment!

Guy 1: Damn it...

Guy 1 sighed before he answered his phone.

Guy 1: Hello?

Guy 2: Hey! Help me!

Guy 1: What’s wrong?

Sally: Who is it?

Guy 1: My friend.

Guy 2: Gary and I went walking into the woods and then we got lost! –(static)- bunch of woodland creatures chasing me and –(static)- to eat my skin! Oh no they found me! Agh! AGGGHHH!! SWEET-(static)- Oh that’s not for eating! Agh! Gghsdgsioerhuribvsiubso!

Guy 1: I think he wants to talk to you.

Guy 1 hands Sally the phone.

Guy 2: GOaGGHH!!! AGHYOORR –(static)- RTARRR!!!!! Hi Sally. Agghhh!!! He’s got my shoe! My shoooo –(static)- oooeeee!!! I need that for protecting my feet! Agh! They’re eating my unprotected feet!

Sally: You have really bad reception. Do you know which direction you were heading before you got lost? Stay where you are I’ll come find you. Is Gary there? Put him on!

Guy 2: Hey dude she wants to speak to you.

Guy 2’s screams continued in the background as Gary picked up the phone.

Gary: (click)

Sally: Where was the last place you remember knowing where you were?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Good. I’ll be right there. Try to survive OK?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Sally: Seriously? The woodland creatures are only attacking him not you?

Gary: (click)

Sally: Interesting. I’ll be right there.

Sally hung up the phone.

Sally: Come on.

Guy 1: What? Shouldn’t they call the police or something to help find them? And we can stay here and... continue... stuff.

Sally: We have this tradition in our family to help one another no matter what.

Guy 1: But... woods... furry creatures... nibbling on feet.

Sally: How did you hear that? He said that to me.

Guy 1: He was yelling pretty loud. Yelling makes me want to not go to where he is.

Sally: Well then if he continues to yell loudly in pain then it’ll be easier to find and rescue him.

Guy 1: But... but... (sighs) fine. I’ll help.

Sally: Good! Now we need to hurry because the sun is going to start setting any moment now and we need to find him before it gets too dark.

Sally starts to jog towards the woods.

Guy 1: Ugh... dark? (sighs)

Guy 1 follows.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary sitting on a log.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was pretty brave how you fought off those squirrels.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I still don’t understand a thing you say to me. Can’t you click in Morse Code instead?

Gary shakes his head.

Guy 2: What? You don’t know how?

Gary nods.

Guy 2: You’re a man who communicates in clicking and you don’t know Morse Code? Damn. Well not that it matters because I don’t know it either. But it would’ve been more familiar to me than your system of clicks. Seriously how did you create a language system if you can’t communicate any other way?

Gary decided against pointing out that he wasn’t illiterate and could simply write things down. He felt that if he demonstrated this then Guy 2 would just constantly ask him to scribble in the dirt whenever he had a question.

Guy 2: I lost my shoe... one of the woodland creatures took it. Remember that? Now I have to walk without a shoe. My foot hurts... partly because a stick is poking it and partly because it’s covered in bite marks. I don’t like being bitten. You know in Australia if you get bitten you die. I wonder if I’m going to die of rabies. Do squirrels have rabies? I hope they don’t. I do not want rabies. There’s a hospital in Charleston right? Sorry it’s just I’m used to being in a city of a million instead of 20 000. How does it make you feel being in a small town? It makes my foot hurt.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: That could either mean “quite sad” in response to my question or “shut up” in response to the sound of my voice. I’m going to choose the former because I haven’t finished complaining about rabies. Rabies rhymes with babies which I am not fond of either. They just whinge and cry a lot. I can’t stand it when they just keep whinging and trying to get all the attention. Don’t you hate that too? I hate it. I’m hungry.

Gary gave into the need to demonstrate his ability to write. He picked up a stick and wrote in the dirt.

Guy 2: What are you writing? (Pause) “Shut your noisy face hole.” Oh... sorry.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So what now?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click) (click) (click) (click)... (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh... I suppose that was meant to be very in depth and intelligent speech about survival and getting home safely wasn’t it?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: I’m not enjoying this holiday...

Gary secretly agreed even though he was not on holidays either. Guy 2 got up and was about to move but Gary stopped him. Gary holds both hands up then points and him then Guy 2 before pointing to the ground in an attempt to communicate that they should stay where they are.

Guy 2: You want me to help you dig a hole? I don’t see how that’s productive.

Gary sighed. He sat down and pointed to his bent knees then pointed to Guy 2 and motioned downwards once again.

Guy 2: You’re pretending to be disabled and so can’t do labour and want me to dig the hole for you?

Gary hits his palm to his face.

Gary: (click) (click!)

Guy 2: Now just because you are disabled doesn’t mean you can boss me around. I’m leaving.

Gary gave up and let Guy 2 walk away. Guy 2 disappeared into the woods. Gary sat there for quite some time. He slowly started to feel guilty about letting Guy 2 walk off to almost certain doom. For the first time in his life he was starting to feel like he really was disabled.

Gary: (Thoughts) No, just because I can’t talk doesn’t mean I’m any less of a person... It may have just cost a man his life though. No! He’ll be alright! I know he will!

Gary felt a sudden urge to be lying on a couch back in town clicking on about his worries to his therapist. Yes, his therapist understood him. They let him write, click, draw or any other way he could imagine to communicate.

Gary: (click)...

Guy 1: I know how you feel.

Gary looked to his left.

Guy 1: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: So... what up?

Sally: Gary!

Gary: (click!)

Guy 1: Me!

Sally: Thank goodness you’re alright! You know you shouldn’t have strayed from the normal path! Where’s his friend?

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click!)

Gary pointed in the direction that Guy 2 had walked off.

Sally: Ugh! Why didn’t you tell him not to walk off? How else are we going to find him?

Gary gave her an unimpressed look.

Guy 1: I’m surprised we even found you. We’re pretty far into the woods.

Sally: Do you think you can call him?

Guy 1 looked at his phone.

Guy 1: No sorry no reception.

Sally: Typical. Just when you need to venture deep into the middle of nowhere your phone reception gets cut off.

Guy 1: Cradle Mountain is one pain in the neck.

Sally: Where?

Guy 1: Just some place in Australia. It has nice lakes.

Sally: That sounds interesting. We should go there some time.

Guy 1: It’s in Tasmania. You’d like there it’s very green and natural.

Sally: Cool.

Gary: (click) (click) (click?)

Guy 1: Oh yeah my friend is still missing! Thanks for reminding me there Gary. Hey when’s your birthday?

Gary: (click?)

Sally: Now’s not the time. We need to find your friend and it’s starting to get dark.

Guy 1: What happens when things get dark?

Sally: Weird, strange, UNHOLY things happen!

Guy 1: Really?

Sally: No. It’s just nearly impossible to navigate in the dark and so we’ll get even more lost so we can’t found our way out the next day. That is assuming we don’t freeze to death in the cold.

Guy 1: So by cold you mean what? 20 degrees? Celsius?

Sally: That’s... 68 Fahrenheit. No think more like in the negatives.

Guy 1: I don’t like the negatives.

Sally: Negative numbers are indeed bad. So let’s go quickly now before anything bad or unexpected happens.

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 1: What the hell?

To be continued...

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