"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The Holiday Prt 7

Part 1 Here: Part 2 Here: Part 3 Here: Part 4 Here: Part 5 here: Part 6 Here:

Sally leads Guy 1 to the kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Sorry about that embarrassing thing I said to… both your parents.

Sally: Oh.

Guy 1: About the sex.

Sally: Yes I know what you mean.

Guy 1: And having it with you.

Sally: Yes I realise this.

Sally opens the fridge and takes out a few bottles of juice.

Guy 1: I’m very sorry.

Sally smiled.

Sally: No it’s OK! My parents seem to have to ask that to every guy who comes round who isn’t related. You’re the first person who has caught my mother off guard! That was actually pretty hilarious but kinda surprising for me too.

Guy 1: Haha yeah I suppose it would’ve been.

Sally: Haha yeah…

There’s an awkward pause.

Sally: But we’re not going to…

Guy 1: What? Oh. Oh of course not. No…

Sally: Yeah that’d be-

Guy 1: Kinda weird.

Sally: Yeah! Weird, but in a bad way.

Guy 1: Personally I wouldn’t-

Sally: And I wouldn’t…

Guy 1: Yeah…

Sally: Yeah…

Guy 1: So-

Sally: Wait.

Guy 1: Yes?

Sally: Why not?

Guy 1: Sorry?

Sally: You don’t… want to?

Guy 1: Yes! Yes I do! You’re really hot!

Sally recoiled at Guy 1’s enthusiasm.

Guy 1: Oh… I mean-

Sally: Hahaha! You’re very straightforward you know that?

Guy 1: (Shy) Yes.

Sally: Ahhh you’re so interesting. I’d love to get into you…

Guy 1: What!?

Sally: Hahaha! No not that! I meant I want to get inside your head!

Guy 1: Uhh… oh! Oh right…

Sally: You still thought that was dirty didn’t you?

Guy 1: Yes…

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re something special. So, do you like fruit juice?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: Good.

Sally turns around and gets even more bottles of juice from the fridge.

Sally: OK well before you we’ve got orange, apple, mango, pineapple, passionfruit, blackberry and then we’ve got some more in the fridge if you can’t decide between those ones.

Guy 1: Oh. I like this place.

Sally: So what’ll you have?

Guy 1: Just pour some of everything into a large jug.

Sally: OK!

Sally gets out a jug from a nearby cupboard and they both get to work pouring various juices into it. After they’ve finished adding something from every bottle they serve it into two cups.

Sally: OK, you first. You’re the official taste tester.

Guy 1: Awesome! I’ve never been the official anything before.

Sally: Well you are now!

Guy 1 takes a drink from the cup.

Guy 1: Hmmm…

Sally: What?

Guy 1: It tastes like pizza.

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Pizza.

Guy 1 takes another sip.

Guy 1: Very weird pizza.

Sally takes a drink.

Sally: Wow it does. That’s so cool!

Guy 1: Do you have any spare drink bottles?

Sally: Sure.

Sally goes to the cupboard and gets out a drink bottle. Guy 1 pours the juice into it.

Guy 1: There. Portable pizza juice.

Sally: Awesome.

Half an hour later: Sally and Guy 1 are walking through the streets of Charleston.

Guy 1: Hey look it’s an old lady!

Sally: There are lots of them. Oh you’re right! It’s old lady Patterson.

Guy 1: She’s that evil old hunch-backed lady that was sneering at us when we drove in.

Sally: Oh nonsense she’s the kindest soul around. Hey Ms Patterson!

Sally waves. Ms Patterson waves back with a smile.

Sally: See?

Sally continues walking. Guy 1 looks back at the old lady to see her sneering back. She points at Guy 1 then moves her index finger across her throat. Guy 1 runs after Sally, scared.

Guy 1: That lady is crazy.

Sally: Oh no, she hasn’t even slipped into dementia or senility in her old age. She’s completely aware of her surroundings. I don’t think anyone in this town is crazy besides the wizard…

Guy 1: The- wait, what?

Sally: Oh my gosh! A stop sign!

Sally started to dance and shake her head.

Guy 1: Sally?

Sally is still dancing.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: What are you doing?

Sally: Dancing to the stop sign.

Sally finished in a pose.

Sally: Yah!

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I call it the Stop Sign Rock. Pretty cool huh? OK I can tell from your confused look that this needs more explaining. OK basically one night my friends and I were out and about and were slightly drunk. So we’re walking along and Ashley goes “oh my gosh! A stop sign!” and we’re like “whoa!” and Ashley went towards it but tripped. She grabbed onto it with one hand and swung around it and it reminded us of Dancing in the Rain so then we all started dancing. So then every time any of us pass this stop sign we totally rock out. So come on, dance with me.

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s hand and started to jump around with him.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: Yeah. I wonder if my friend is having this much fun.

Sally: Oh with Gary you’re sure to have lots of fun.

Guy 1: For sure.

Cut to: Gary’s room.

Guy 2 was sitting in a beanbag while playing on Gary’s Xbox 360. Gary passed him a can of coke and then picked up the controller.

TV: Player two has joined the game.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah you said it… I have no idea what you said but I know you said it. You know, here I was thinking that you were some creepy psycho mute boy who wanted to kill me when no one was looking and cut me up into pieces… but turns out you’re pretty cool. And harmless!

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: Still don’t understand you.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So you put on a creepy fa├žade for new people to scare them?

Gary nods.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Cool. And Sally knows all about this right?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 2 takes a drink of coke.

Guy 2: I like holidays…

Cut to: The Street.

Sally: And over there was the place where nothing happened.

Guy 1: Wow. This town is fascinating.

Sally: Haha. It is! You never know when you’re going to find something on the ground that wasn’t there before.

Guy 1: Sounds like my house… only a lot larger and with real people living in it.

Sally: What is your house like? Besides… filled with mysterious objects?

Guy 1: Well it’s nice… it’s… pretty hard to get to, even for me.

Sally: You don’t live in a cave on a mountain do you?

Guy 1: Oh there are no mountains where I live. No, not for hundreds of kilometres… I mean miles. But there are a few wonderful hills covered in long yellow grass that go on for ages… the occasional tree can be seen, making patches of green leaves amongst the yellow. Of course the trees don’t grow straight like these… except for the gum trees. Amazing things, they tower above any of these trees in people’s yards.

Sally: You live in the country?

Guy 1: Um… sorta… I spend most of my time in the suburbs and the city… but deep down I always feel like I belong back in the hills.

Sally: I like that. You’re a country boy, you’d fit in here pretty well.

Sally held onto Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Really? Wait… there’s not this strange wall thing with various holes in where I have to be the right shape to be included in right?

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Oh… don’t worry my mind was just in a really weird place just then. You see there was this TV show where people had to make shapes with their bodies to fit into this giant wall that tried to push them into water…

Sally: Haha! Sounds interesting.

Guy 1: No it was actually the most awfully boring show.

Sally: Oh…

Just then, a person walked past.

Guy 1: Hey stop! Do you want to try this?

Guy 1 held out his bottle of pizza juice.

Person: Free juice? Sure! I see why not random stranger!

The person took it and took a sip.

Person: Wow! This is really good! I’d go so far as to say that I want to marry this drink!

Guy 1: That’s pretty amazing feedback.

Person: It tastes like pizza!

Guy 1: I know! It’s pretty cool huh?


Guy 1: OK now you’re getting really creepy.

The person started stomping their feet.


Guy 1: Er… uhh…

The person suddenly stopped.

Person: Nah I’m just messing with you, I’m not that crazy. Here.

He gave Guy 1 back his bottle.

Person: It’s good. Really good, you could probably sell this stuff.

Guy 1: Thanks.

Person: Hey, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Person: Oh! Wow, I didn’t know they spoke English in Australia… hey do you ride around on Kangaroos?

Guy 1: Yes. We do.

Person: Awesome! Hey, is it true that you force your young to wrestle with the world’s deadliest snakes all at once to make sure only the strongest of your race survive?

Guy 1: (Pause) Yes.

Person: I also heard that next to the Kangaroo and Emoo-

Guy 1: Emu.

Person: Sorry, a what?

Guy 1: Emu. It’s… an Emu. With a u sound.

Person: No, no… an Emoo… tall… bird thing… can’t fly. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, next to the Kangaroo and the Emoo your national animal is considered to be the scorpion…

Guy 1: Uh… no actually it’s the drop bears.

Person: Drop bears?

Guy 1: Oh yeah. You got to be weary of those drop bears. They’re these little bear like things that hide in trees and then drop down on your face and tear off your flesh. What you have to do is smear vegemite behind your ears to ward them off.

Person: Australia really is dangerous… wow… you’ve opened my eyes.

Guy 1: Glad to have helped…

The person walked off.

Sally: You’re really enjoying bulls***ing half this country aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? No I’m being quite serious… my friend warned me about drop bears once. Scared the hell out of me… but thankfully I always put vegemite behind my ears every time I go out into the bush. I like my face… I want to keep it…

Sally: I like your face too.

Sally ran her hand down the front of his face and over his nose.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: Oh just another drunken moment in joke…

Guy 1: So do you get drunk often?

Sally: Only when there’s an occasion…

Guy 1: And are you suggestible when you’re drunk?

Sally: Maaayybee…

Guy 1: Hmm.

Sally: Come on, I’ll race you to the end of this street! 3, 2- go!

Sally started running down the street before Guy 1 could react. He tried his best to catch up.

Sally: Haha I’m beating you!

Sally wins the race.

Guy 1: Oh man I need a drink from all that running…

Guy 1 takes a drink of the pizza juice.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh it tastes like pizza!

Sally: Yeah, you knew that already.

Guy 1: Yeah but it’s just so darn amazing I had to mention it again. Hey do you think that guy back there was serious when he said we could probably sell this stuff?

Sally: Probably. We could find out! I’ve got an idea. Super-awesome-finding-out-go!

Sally walks off with one of her arms outstretched.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary.

Guy 2: (long pause) HEADSHOT! (Long pause) son of a…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: No Gary, the shotgun is mine.

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK how come I can get punctuation but not actual words? Just how do you click an exclamation mark?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Whas that an explanation? Was it? Dammit! Explain to me how to understand that other explanation!

Gary sighs. It would obviously take some time for Guy 2 to realise the flaw in his plan. He decided just to monotonously click to distract Guy 2 while he shot him in the back and stole the shotgun.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh… yeah… uh huh…

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Cut to: Guy 1 and Sally in the garage.

Guy 1: Oh what’s your plan Sally? Is it interesting? Will it bring the boys to the yard and be better than mine?

Sally: Damn right it’s better than yours! Your idea was to spray people on the street with juice and then charge them for dry cleaning.

Guy 1: It could’ve worked.

Sally: Haha no. No it wouldn’t have.

Sally rummaged through the various pieces of junk and memorabilia from her childhood that had accumulated in the garage over the years. She finally got through to the back where a large object lay hidden underneath a large cloth.

Sally: My idea is simple. I present to you-

She took off the cloth in one large swish which knocked her off balance. She fell on the ground and dust flew everywhere.

Guy 1: Dust? Falling down? I do not understand how this makes money.

Sally jumped back up.

Sally: No silly, I present to you this stand!

Guy 1: Oh good you’re standing up now. I’m still not understanding. Am I missing something?

Sally: No not stand as in what I’m doing. I mean stand as in lemonade stand… the thing behind me that I’m pointing to.

Guy 1: Oh.

Behind Sally was a home made lemonade stand. The letters were all faded and peeling but the wood itself still looked sturdy and in good condition.

Sally: I remember this from when I was ten… dad built it for me. I’m so glad we kept it. We just need to repaint it and dust it off and then it can be our Pizza Juice Stand! Yay! So what do you think?

Guy 1: Very little.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on, help me get it out.

Guy 1: You know, if you just took that sentence out of context...

To be continued...

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