"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Holiday Prt 6.

Part 1 Here:

Part 2 Here:

Part 3 Here:

Part 4 Here:

Part 5 here

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

Guy 1 and 2 walk into the hall which opened up into a large living area. There were a dozen beautiful paintings on the walls, a lovely miniature bonsai garden in the corner and various antique furniture around the room. The entire room was a mixture of class and culture. All of which the Guy’s completely ignored because they were staring intently at the massive widescreen plasma TV on the wall.

Sally: Uh… are you drooling?

Guy 2: (absent minded) Yeah.

Sally: Do you want a tissue?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally: OK.

Sally walks off.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally comes back a moment later and puts the tissue in front of his face.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh. Um… thanks.

He holds the tissue.

Guy 2: It’s… what I’ve always wanted.

Sally: Of course it was.

Guy 2: (confused) Thanks.

Sally: You’re welcome.

A man with dark brown hair gets up from the couch and walks up to them.

Andrew: Hey Sally! Who are these fine young boys standing there drooling on my floor?

Sally: These are some guys I found on the side of the road. Their bus broke down so I gave them a lift. Can they stay here for a while? Their accommodations kinda burnt down to the ground.

Andrew: Well as long as they know how to use a mop then I have no problem with it. How about you Gary?

Gary: (click)

Andrew: Hahahaha! You’re a riot.

Andrew walks over to the Guy’s and shakes both of their hands hard. This wakes them up from their TV induced trance.

Guy 1: Hello! How are you?

Andrew: I’m good son. I’m good. How are you?

Guy 1: I’m good too.

Andrew: That’s good.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Your drool is on my floor.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Hey, you’re Australian.

Guy 1: Yes! Yes it is! I mean, I am. Yes I am.
Andrew: I went to Australia once. I went to all the great cities there. Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra…

Guy 1: Perth?

Andrew: No.

Guy 1: Oh…

Andrew: There’s nothing in Perth.

Guy 1: There’s Kings Park.

Andrew: Yeah but it’s only the size of Monaco. And the view is ruined by the ugly bell tower. And I hear the cities are filled with homeless people and if you’re going to find things to do then you can only do so much. It’s just Western Australia’s capital because all the other places are just towns too small to have their own city which is pathetic and- and you live there don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes.

Andrew: I don’t retract my statement.

Guy 1: I’ve rung one of those bells in the bell tower…

Andrew: Cool. I’m going to get the mop.

Guy 1: You do that.

Andrew leaves.

Sally: I didn’t know my father had gone to Australia before…

Guy 1: That guy was your father? He looks quite young.

Sally: Yeah.

Guy 1: For my first impression I drooled on his floor.

Sally: Yeah. You’re a unique one but you’re pretty cool.

Guy 1: Why was I drooling?

Sally: I think it had something to do with our massive TV. Do you want to watch it?

Guy 1: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to do it! Let’s lie down on the couch right now! How big do you think it is?

Andrew returns just in time to hear Guy 1. He stops in mid stride with the mop in his hands.

Andrew: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 was completely uncertain what he had meant by that. So many things entered his mind he had no idea how to react. He sounded strangely happy so was he trying to be ironic? Was he secretly hiding his anger through a happy fa├žade? Would he kill me if I did something to his daughter? Is he protective? Is this a trap? Is he just bonding with me? Is he trying to see if there’s something going on between me and his daughter? More importantly does he think I have a chance? Is this his attempt at humour? What kind of person is he?

Guy 1 merely freezes as he processes this. He then looks around the room trying not to look guilty and then just smiles to himself. He looks at Andrew smugly and defiantly.

Guy 1: May-be!

Andrew: Use protection.

Andrew starts to mop the floor. Once again Guy 1 tried desperately to interpret this. Wait; was that humour or an honest suggestion? What is Sally’s reaction? OK she’s shaking her head. Does that mean she’s embarrassed or just disapproving of the joke? Was it a joke? Oh I sure wish I could understand human behaviour better… I’m so maladjusted. I wonder if this is a good point in time to mention that I don’t know what foreplay is…

Sally: Hey you look deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?

OK is there a look on my face that gives it away? If so, does that mean she expects that I’m thinking so she’s encouraging me to say it? But if she is then why bother? No. I don’t think she’s psychic. Maybe I shouldn’t say… But what if she understands and helps me with this problem of not knowing? Do I take that chance? I wonder if she’ll teach me… hehehe… Once again, I’m not sure what it is so I’m not sure if I should be laughing or not… it just seems appropriate. Wait, no, I’ve stood here too long I should say something.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re so weird! Come on; let me introduce you to my mother.

Sally links her arm with Guy 1’s.

Guy 2: Hey what about me? Have you completely forgotten me?

Sally: Yes actually! Wow! Sorry. You can come to if you want… or you could stay here with Gary. I’m sure he’d love the company.

She points to Gary who is standing near the corner of the hallway staring intently at Guy 2.

Gary: (ominous click)

Guy 2: Uhh… I think I’ll meet your mother actually.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Aww, but he wants to spend time with you! Isn’t that right Gary?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: (Worried) How do you know that!?

Sally: See? He definitely wants you to leave the both of us alone.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m scared.

Guy 1: I’m sure you’ll be fine. Nothing bad ever happens in remote country towns with small populations and minimal police forces. Don’t you ever watch movies?

Guy 2: What? Like The Village? No.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 2: You don’t even understand what he said.

Guy 1: Sure I do… sort of… hey Gary, say something.

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 1: That meant… “How are you?” right?

Sally: Nearly. It was “who are you?” but that was good.

Guy 1: See? There’s a simple trick to it. You just have to listen carefully.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally and Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 1: Ha!

Sally: Awesome!

Sally and Guy 1: Simultaneous!

They hi-five each other.

Guy 2: I didn’t get that. It’s just clicking!

Gary: (Happy click)

Guy 2: Don’t you start! I have no idea what you said but I’m sure you’re mocking me!

Gary: (click?)

Guy 2: How do you click a question mark!?

Guy 1: He’s a very talented clicker.

Sally: He’s been doing it since a kid. He’s won all the local clicking contests.

Guy 2: This town is so boring it has to have clicking contests?

Sally: Haha no. I just wanted to try and fool you into thinking that we do. Come on; go with Gary to find clothes that will fit you.

She tugs on Guy 1’s arm and directs him out of the room.

Sally: My mother’s name is Cleo. She’s really cool…

Sally’s voice fades away. Guy 2 turns to look at Gary who has walked up to him and is now smiling eerily.

Andrew: Well I’m going to work now. Bye. Play nice kids.

Guy 2: You’re leaving?

Andrew: Yes. To go to work. Bye.

Andrew leaves the house.

Guy 2: So…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah I… don’t know what you just said.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: You’re still just clicking… is it a pitch thing? Am I missing the different tones?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: OK that was pointless I didn’t understand that.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Please stop doing that.

Gary: (click)

Gary slowly paints towards a mysterious black door on the other side of the room. Gary looks at Guy 2 creepily with a huge smile on his face.

Guy 2: OK I’m pretty sure I know what that means…

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: (scared) Uhh… are you sure you don’t want to stay out here… where there’s um… witnesses?

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK! OK! I’m going…

Guy 2 follows Gary into the door and into Gary’s room. The door slams behind them and a click is heard just before Guy 2 gives out a short girlish scream.

Cut to: backyard.

Cecilia is hanging up clothes on the washing line to dry. She looks like an older version of Sally only with more freckles. She turns to see Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: Hey mum!

Cecilia: Hey Sally! And hello to you too handsome young man.

Guy 1: Well that’s what they call me.

Sally: They call you “you too handsome young man”?

Guy 1: Hell yeah.

Sally and Cecilia laugh identical laughs. Cecilia suddenly stops and is serious.

Cecilia: Why are you here?

Sally: Mum. His bus broke down.

Guy 1: And I lost all of my luggage.

Sally: Then the hotel he was going to stay at burnt down.

Guy 1: And now I’m cold and lonely…

Sally: That… too. But basically he has nowhere to stay so can he stay here? Dad has no problem with it.

Cecilia: You know I love random strangers. Sure he can stay. My name’s Cecilia by the way.

Cecilia turns and leans close to Guy 1.

Cecilia: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 suddenly felt like he’d been in this situation before… Aha! I have no idea why she’s inquiring this but I won’t make the same mistake I did last time. I’m not going to be the one caught off guard this time! I’m saying something!

Guy 1: Yes I am!

Cecilia and Sally both froze as they tried to process this. Guy 1 slowly started thinking that maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t be smiling ear to ear right now. There was complete silence for a moment before the sound of Sally hitting her forehead with her palm broke the tension. Sally sighed and started counting down on her fingers from three to zero. At zero Cecilia smiled and patted Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Cecilia: Use protection.

Sally: Mum!

Cecilia: What? It’s good advice!

Guy 1: She’s right. It is.

Sally: You and Dad are perfect for each other… it’s embarrassing.

Cecilia: We’re parents. It’s our job.

Sally: Can we move on from this?

Cecilia: Sure. So “you too handsome young man”, tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: Well I’m from Australia, I was born on a Tuesday and I really like to eat sandwiches.

Cecilia: Interesting. Have you got any hobbies?

Guy 1: Is eating sandwiches a hobby?

Cecilia: It could be. So what brings you to Charleston Illinois?

Guy 1: Because Charleston Arizona didn’t appeal to me. Nah, I won a free trip here.

Cecilia: Here? Well a free trip is a trip I suppose…

Guy 1: Yes I suppose it is.

Cecilia: Well welcome to Charleston, the place where trees grow!

Guy 1: I’ve always wanted to see trees!

Sally and Cecilia both laugh.

Sally and Cecilia: You’re weird.

Cecilia gives Sally a smug look while Sally looks at Cecilia partially terrified.

Cecilia: One of us… one of us…

Sally: No mum I’m not turning out like you!

Cecilia: One of us! One of us!

Sally: No!

Sally tries to cover Cecilia’s mouth but Cecilia pushes her hands away. They both laugh.

Cecilia: Haha! OK, well get your friend something to eat Sally and then go and show him the town. Don’t forget to show him the courthouse!

Guy 1: (Quietly) Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free!

Cecilia: Exactly!

Sally and Guy 1 walk back into the house.

Sally: So do you want something to drink?

Guy 1: Sure.

To Be Continued…

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