"Huh, well done. It's very Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy ish" - Some guy I met once
"haha I'm impressed" - Ganesh, remover of Obstacles

Monday, December 28, 2009

CBM 16: Woo Subscribe Woo

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 4 walks in the door.

Guy 1: Oh not you again.

Worker 4: What? I’m not the person who was in here before.

Guy 1: Are you sure? You look just like her.

Worker 4: Oh I get that all the time but I don’t think it’s the slightest bit true.

Guy 1: You have looked at yourself in a mirror right?

Worker 4: Um… no… I don’t like the way I look.

Guy 1: Wow… do you all have issues?

Worker 4: Oh yes… pretty much. But do you know anyone who doesn’t?

Guy 1 pauses and thinks.

Guy 1: You know… I actually don’t… that’s… scary in a way…

Worker 4: Well I’m just here to get… this…

Worker 4 grabs up a blank piece of paper.

Guy 1: You came in here to get a blank piece of paper?

Worker 4: Um… I have to go now…

Worker 4 quickly walks out of the room.

Guy 1: Wait! Ugh… I’ve been tied up for nearly a day now and no ones fed me anything… I’m so hungry…

Worker 1 walks into the room. She pulls up a chair and sits in it backwards while facing Guy 1.

Worker 1: So… you thought you could outsmart us and do anything you wanted?

Guy 1: No I thought I could outsmart you and do anything within reason. I want to fly but I can’t do that no matter how much I try.

Cut to: Guy 1 on a chair in front of Guy 2’s house.

Guy 1 spreads his arms and then checks the wind. He takes a deep breathe, closes his eyes and jumps off and lands on the ground. He looks around and his arms fall down.

Guy 1: Aww…

Cut to: Guy 1 in the sewing room.

Worker 1: Did you just have a flashback? Because if you did…

Worker 1 waves a stick around.

Guy 1: Of course… You’ll hit me with Steve.

Worker 1: No! This isn’t Steve its Mary! They look completely different!

Guy 1 looks at the stick, which looks exactly like Steve.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah… I can see that…

Worker 1: Good. Now let’s get down to business.

Worker 1 reaches into her pocket and gets a little disc with a spiral painted on it. She waves it slowly back and forth.

Worker 1: You are getting highly suggestible to what ever I say… wooooo!

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1 puts down the disc.

Worker 1: Oh for… just do as I say will you?

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Because I said so.

Guy 1: But what if you tell me to kill myself?

Worker 1: I’m not going to make you kill yourself.

Worker 1: (Thinking) Oh no he knows my plan! Must come up with a new one quickly.

Worker 1: Don’t worry… I won’t hurt you…

Guy 1: Why?

Worker 1: Huh?

Guy 1: Well you kidnapped me why wouldn’t you hurt me? Shouldn’t it go kidnapping then violence and abuse of all kinds then me escaping with severe problems after being raped for years on end?

Worker 1: I’m not raping you.

Guy 1: Darn. I mean… oh thank goodness.

Worker 1: Don’t make me hit you with Mary.

Guy 1: Sorry.

Worker 1: OK now let’s try this one more time.

Worker 1 gets out the disc again and starts waving it slightly.

Worker 1: Woooo more suggestible wooo! Wooo! Losing woo free woo will…. Wooo!

Guy 1: Woo no woo I’m not… woo!

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Cameraman: So have you got a plan to find him yet?

Guy 2: No… you?

Cameraman: Nah… I’m more of a chronicler than a hero…

Guy 2: You’d think finding someone who disappeared without a trace at the local shops would be a lot easier.

Cameraman: Yeah… and all this time I thought policemen were just lazy.

Guy 2: They grow out of hats over night you know.

Cameraman: And milk feels pain. You keep telling me this and I keep telling you it’s from a book about lies to tell to small children!

Guy 2: I don’t believe you. A book that encourages lying to children is just a stupid idea. I’ll stick with milk feels pain thankyou very much.

Cameraman: Ugh… this isn’t going anywhere. If we can’t find him then let’s get someone to help us… cameraman telepathy gggggggoo!

The screen goes blurry and things start overlapping each other and fading away.

Cameraman: Come on… answer the call of Panasonic!

Cut to: Girl 1.

Girl 1 is standing on the street when she turns around. She looks slightly up as if hearing something. She nods and runs down the street.

Cut to: Guy 2 on the couch.

Everything’s normal again.

Guy 2: Call of Panasonic?

Cameraman: Uh…

There’s a knock at the door and before Guy 2 can get up Girl 1 burst into the room. She puts her hands on her hips and looks heroic and brave.

Cameraman: Hoorah!

Guy 2: Oh it’s just you…

Girl 1 looks at him, slightly annoyed.

Guy 2: I mean… oh yay it’s you!

Girl 1 smiles.

Cameraman: We need your help. Crazy Bilby has gone missing and… come to think of it I don’t know how you could help but yeah. Can you?

Girl 1 nods.

Cameraman: So what’s your plan?

Girl 1 stops and thinks then points to the door and briskly walks to it. Cameraman looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs and they follow her.

Cut to: Girl 1 at the shops.

Girl 1 is crouching down on the ground with a magnifying glass to her eye. She’s looking across the ground.

Cameraman: Have you found anything yet?

Girl 1 turns to the camera still with the magnifying glass near her eye making it larger. Girl 1 shakes her head and goes back to looking at the ground.

Guy 2: This is a waste of time. We’ll never find him let’s just give up and go watch TV.

Cameraman: No! The kind of TV you watch is sick and disturbing.

Guy 2: But I want to know if Elmo blows the world up!

Cameraman: No! No more Elmo! No more WMD’s!

Guy 2: But I like homicidal megalomaniac felt puppets!

Cameraman: Well I don’t so there! You can’t argue with me because I’m a girl and I’m part of the SAC!

Guy 2: Hey speaking of the SAC when are we going to exercise our new found authority?

Cameraman: Dunno. Try it now.

Guy 2 grabs a passing person.

Guy 2: Hey you! Did you see a man being kidnapped around here yesterday?

Person: No! I didn’t!

Guy 2: Don’t mess with me boy I’m part of the Coo-Coo-Clan! I can have you deported!

Person: OK! I saw them! They were a bunch of clones and they put a bag over his head and drove off in the direction of Lucine Court! But if they find out I told you they’ll take away my parking privileges at the local tennis court! Please don’t tell them I told you!

Guy 2 lets go of the person.

Guy 2: OK then… good…

Guy 2 turns to Girl 1 who is cautiously eyeing a piece of wrapping paper.

Guy 2: Come on we’ve got a clue! Let’s go!

Girl 1 puts down the wrapping paper and apathetically gets up.

Guy 2: You see? We didn’t need her at all.

Cameraman: Yes we did. We never would’ve thought of actually investigating the crime scene if it weren’t for her… which is really sad when you think about it!

Guy 2: Fine!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Thanks for your help so far.

Girl 1 smiles and proudly marches in front of them and leads the way.

To be continued...

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