CBM 12: The Muppet Show

Guy 1 is holding a phone.

Guy 1: Yeah how about next Saturday… oh of course how stupid of me to forget. You’re liberating some orphans in Afghanistan… it’s always about the orphans! Or the oppressed masses! Or poorly treated workers! You never have time for me!

Guy 1 hangs up.

Guy 2: Who was that?

Guy 1: My girlfriend… she’s taken our six month anniversary off to go save some innocent people in another foreign country no ones ever heard of. Afghanistan… I mean seriously did someone make that up?

Guy 2: It’s a famous country… because of the turmoil and constant bloodshed and terrorism going on there?

Guy 1: Oh don’t you start too…

Cameraman: Hey what are you people talking about?

Guy 2: Oh you’re here.

Cameraman: I’m always here… I’m everywhere… wooooo!

Guy 1: Uh huh…

Guy 2: Are you high?

(Pause)

Cameraman: Uh… no…

Guy 1: Hey where’d that girl… whatshername go?

Guy 2: I don’t know… she was here a moment ago…

Guy 1: Meh. She comes and goes all the time.

(Pause)

Guy 1 and 2 burst into a fit of childish snickering then stop.

Guy 1: OK no immature jokes. This is serious.

(Pause)

Everyone starts laughing.

Guy 1: OK let’s try to be serious for once in our lives.

(Pause)

Guy 2: Why?

Guy 1: Because… we apparently now are part of some society that rules the country.

Cameraman: Well when you put it like that…

Guy 2: Why wouldn’t we be serious instead of abuse our power and force politicians to dress up in giant banana suits and dance like monkeys?

(Pause)

Guy 1: I like that idea.

Cameraman: What is with you guys and bananas and monkeys? You’re not repressing anything are you?

Guy 1: Huh?

Cameraman: Nothing…

Guy 2: Hey wait second… I get it! That’s evil.

Guy 1: Huh? What? Get what? What’s going on? Where am I?

Guy 2: Don’t worry… we’ll tell you when you’re older… mentally…

Cameraman: So never technically.

Guy 1: Aww…

Guy 2: Oh well poor you… so… what now?

Guy 1: I don’t know. I told my mother to pick me up in a few hours because I thought this would take longer.

Guy 2: I’ve never seen your mother before.

Guy 1: And you never will.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Nothing.

Guy 2: Right. So we’re back where we started then?

Guy 1: Where we started?

Guy 2: Yeah you know… the party where we had nothing to do?

Guy 1: How is that where we started?

Guy 2: Oh never mind. Hey do you want to watch TV?

Guy 1: It isn’t going to be that horrific adult’s only Sesame Street is it?

Guy 2: No don’t worry that show got boring after a while.

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 1 and 2 go into the living room and sit down on the couch. Guy 2 turns on the TV.

Guy 2: I found something better… Muppets…

Guy 1: Oh good.

Guy 2: On drugs.

Guy 1: What?

Kermit: Whadda ya’ mean you don’t have my medication? AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH!

Ms Piggy: Oh calm down Kermy. You’re breaking the furniture and you’re head!

Kermit: Never! AAAAGGGHHHH!

Fuzzy: Oh no! Stuffing is coming from his forehead!

Ms Piggy: Oh I knew this would happen…

Guy 1: Oh seriously what is with you and psychotic drug addicted felt puppets!?

Guy 2 giggles.

Guy 2: I don’t know but it’s fun to watch.

Guy 1: Turn it off!

Fuzzy: I’m sorry Kermit but this is for your own good…

The sound of a blow dart being fired can be heard from the TV and Kermit squeals.

Fuzzy: He’ll be out cold for a few hours… that’ll give us enough time to tie him up.

Ms Piggy: Oh you’re my hero!

Guy 2: Oh but they’re just about to discover that Gonzo is putting sugar in the Ice and get out the ice picks!

Guy 1: I swear if you don’t turn this off and find a show to watch that doesn’t involve a bunch of puppets with hands up their rear ends on an elicit substance of some sort now we’re going to make our own puppet show and you’re going to be the puppet.

Guy 1 holds up his hand.

Guy 1: Don’t make me get the surgical gloves.

Guy 2 looks scared at him and turns the TV off.

Guy 2: OK… I swear I’ll never force you to watch adult television revolving around hand puppets again…

Guy 1: Good.

Cameraman: Yeah… you have some serious issues to deal with.

Guy 2: I know. My psychologist says I’m making great progress. I’m a good boy!

Cameraman: Well my psychologist can beat up your psychologist!

Guy 2: Oh yeah? Bring it! My shrink versus yours! Who ever wins gets free Lithium Di-bromide!

Cameraman: Next Saturday.

Guy 2: I’ll see you there.

Guy 1: OK you two need a few chill pills.

Guy 2: Mine all expired.

Cameraman: Oh I just ate all of mine even though they said it’d be dangerous and might cause hyperactivity and brain damage… Hey lets go film some walls…

Guy 1: No…

Cameraman: Aww! You’re no fun. Hiya!

Cameraman punches Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Seriously stop doing that! I thought I told you to save it for parliament house.

Cameraman: Well I never get to go and now that you’re part of the politics of this country it’s OK to hit you! My mother says it’s OK to hurt politicians!

Guy 2: And I agree with her.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the shoulder.

Guy 1: Hey if I’m a politician so are you!

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: So… stop… hurting… me?

(Pause)

Guy 2: Nah I like hurting people too much.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 again.

To be continued...