Worker 1 takes the bag off the camera.
Worker 1: Welcome to my evil lair strange biped!
Guy 1 looks around.
Guy 1: It looks like a sewing room.
Worker 1: Shut up! It’s all I can afford on my salary!
Guy 1 struggles but can’t break the ropes that tie him.
Worker 1: You’ll find that escape is quite impossible. For you see I have used rope.
Worker 1 looks proud.
Guy 1: Yes as opposed to air, which is a lot easier to escape from.
Worker 1: Yes trust me it doesn’t work for tying up prisoners. I’ve tried it before.
Worker 1 looks up at the ceiling.
Guy 1: So… having a flashback eh? Yeah I have those too…
Worker 1: Shut up. You’re distracting me.
Cut to: Worker 1 on the couch with Guy 2.
Worker 1: So…
Guy 2: So…
Worker 1: Do you want to… you know?
Guy 2: What?
Worker 1: Tattoo my name onto your forehead?
Guy 2: No…
Worker 1: Please?
Guy 2: You’re weird. I’m getting out of here.
Worker 1: No! I tied you up in air! You can’t leave!
Guy 2 gets up and walks away.
Worker 1: No! You can’t leave!
Worker 1 falls onto the floor onto her knees and faces the ceiling.
Worker 1: Nooooooo!
Cut to: Worker 1 in the sewing room.
Worker 1: He left me like everyone else…
Guy 1: Ah ha…
Worker 1 turns around to face Guy 1.
Worker 1: But you wont leave me. Will you? Will you!?
Guy 1: Uh… you’re scaring me now… Can I have that deranged lady that spoke gibberish tie me up instead?
Worker 1: Oh I see how it’s going to be… I have feelings too you know!
Guy 1: And issues.
Worker 1: (Happy) Oh you noticed! What else did you notice about me?
Guy 1: You have bipolar disease apparently.
Worker 1: No I don’t! I’m just invincible!
Guy 1: Yes! Whatever you say!
Worker 1: Exactly.
Guy 1: Is there a reason why you’ve kidnapped me and put me in bondages? You’re not going to do anything inappropriate with me are you? I mean… not that I’d want that or anything.
Worker 1: Does making sure you never talk to anyone else ever again and force you to sit around all day doing nothing count as inappropriate.
Guy 1: Oh that’s all you want with me… oh… well… oh well… yeah I guess you could do that… (Sighs) darn! And I was so close too…
Worker 1: We’re going to have lots of fun together…
Guy 1: Uh…
Worker 1: By we I mean me.
Guy 1: Yeah the kidnapped person normally doesn’t have fun hence the general idea that kidnapping is a bad thing by the general population.
Worker 1: Well yeah there’s that.
Guy 1: Look I’m getting kinda bored can you just tell me why I’m here and fill in any gaps so I can escape and still have closure?
Worker 1: OK fine if you must know… for a few months we realised that a strange bipedal creature was scaring away the customers at the local shops.
Guy 1: Strange bipedal creature?
Worker 1: You. We haven’t discovered your race yet.
Guy 1: I’m human.
Worker 1: A likely story but our scientists have yet to verify that.
Guy 1: Scientists?
Worker 1: The Bag boy with a microscope.
Guy 1: Oh that guy. He’s cool.
Worker 1: Oh you think so? I thought it was just me.
Guy 1: Nah he’s pretty cool. He can fly you know.
Worker 1: I know! That’s amazing! Do you ever wonder how he does it?
Guy 1: All the time. But you know what they say… he’s got a large S on his chest.
Worker 1: Oh that couldn’t have anything to do with it… I’m sure of it.
Guy 1: Yeah that’s what I thought but then one day I was handling some kryptonite and-
Worker 1: Silence! You were trying to distract me and escape weren’t you? You think I’m a moron don’t you!?
Guy 1: Well… yeah… I could add more but you’ve summed it up nicely there…. Yes… yes I do.
Worker 1: Well… OK then… yeah…. Where was I?
Guy 1: Your bagboy has yet to determine if I’m human or not.
Worker 1: Oh yes now I remember. Can you just save us a lot of time and tell me if you’re an alien or not?
Guy 1: I’m not alien.
Worker 1: (Gasps) You deny it then! Therefore it must be true!
Guy 1: That makes no sense.
Worker 1: Oh trying to cast doubt in me now are you? That only makes me believe more!
Guy 1: You’re strange.
Worker 1: And you’re tied up in ropes so shut up. I’m trying to tell a story here.
Guy 1: OK…
Worker 1: OK. No more interruptions.
Guy 1: I promise I won’t interrupt you.
Worker 1: Good.
Guy 1: No more.
Worker 1: Yes OK.
Guy 1: I won’t talk at all.
Worker 1: OK story time.
Guy 1: You won’t hear a noise.
Worker 1: I’m hearing noises now.
Guy 1: And what are they telling you?
Worker 1: Shut up! You’re so annoying it’s a miracle you haven’t been kidnapped (Pause) before now…
Guy 1: No actually I have been kidnapped before.
Worker 1: Really?
Guy 1: Yeah but I just tore off Michael Jackson’s nose and threw it away then ran while he was looking for it.
Worker 1: Huh… disturbing.
Guy 1: The tearing off the nose bit?
Worker 1: No the fact that Michael Jackson kidnapped you… you’re so lucky you escaped.
Guy 1: Yeah I know.
Worker 1: Wait a second! This is another distraction!
Guy 1: Nothing gets past you except for maybe that.
Guy 1 looks behind Worker 1 and Worker 1 turns around.
Worker 1: What is it? I don’t see anything… are you saying the sewing table is getting past me?
While Worker 1 is talking Guy 1 is struggling to free himself.
Worker 1: Hey wait a second… this is another distraction! Gr! Stop doing that!
Worker 1 turns around and Guy 1 quickly stops struggling and acts innocent.
Worker 1: We kidnapped you because you’re scaring away customers and lowering profits for the local shops! There! I was going to go on about our secret meetings and my great plan but you just had to distract me and now I can’t be bothered telling you the totally awesome tale of how I kidnapped you but you’re just so annoying I don’t think I will.
Guy 1: Oh but I’m sure it was a good story.
Worker 1: It was.
Guy 1: And you did kidnap me.
Worker 1: Yes I did.
Guy 1: You did a good job of it too.
Worker 1: Why thankyou…
Guy 1: Come on. Tell me the story. In detail this time!
Worker 1: Well if you insist. It was my idea to hold a secret meeting in this evil lair which I have cleverly disguised as a sewing room.
Guy 1: And you’ve done a great job. I could swear this is a sewing room.
Worker 1: Thankyou!
Worker 1 starts mumbling on about how she devised an evil plan in the background. Guy 1, meanwhile, is staring blankly at her not paying any attention to her at all.
Guy 1: (Thinking) Man this girl has serious issues… will she ever shut up!? I bet she’s making half of this up.
Worker 1: And then we ran into some Triffids and I bravely fought them of with a stick. Do you want to see my stick?
Guy 1 snaps out of it.
Guy 1: Hm?
Worker 1: Do you want to see the stick I defended myself with?
Guy 1: Oh that kind of stick. Yeah ok.
Worker 1 holds up a stick.
Worker 1: This is my hitty stick.
Guy 1: Interesting.
Worker 1: I hit people with it.
Guy 1: I see. Is that why it’s called a hitty stick?
Worker 1: Its name is Steve.
Guy 1: You named your stick Steve?
Worker 1: I like this stick. It’s mine.
Guy 1: I-
Worker 1: No talking or Steve hits you!
To be continued...