CBM 2: Kah-Mah-Ra-Mahn-Fu

Guy 1 starts walking away to get the permanent markers.

Cameraman: Oh no you don’t. If you draw on her face I’ll kill you with Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu!

Guy 1: Aww!

Guy 2: Hey I’ve been researching that martial art on wikipedia… and turns out that it isn’t actually lethal; monks use it to carry water over long distances.

(Pause)

Cameraman: What the heck are you talking about?

Guy 2: Kah-ma-ra-mahn-fu.

Cameraman: It’s real? I was making that up to scare you- I mean… yes… I can carry water over long distances.

Guy 2: OK well if I ever need someone to carry water and my camel breaks down I’ll call you.

Cameraman: Wait… did you just call me a camel?

Guy 2: Uh… let’s just wake her up.

Guy 2 walks over to Girl 1 and leans near her. Guy 2 cups his hands over his mouth.

Guy 2: Wake up!

Girl 1 whacks him in the face and springs up at the same time. She looks around; a grunt comes from the floor and she looks at the floor where Guy 2 is lying. Girl 1 puts here hands over her mouth in shock.

Guy 2: OK you’re awake now…

Guy 3: Let us all rejoice that she is with us once again.

Guy 1: Hey cameraman! Can I draw on him instead?

Cameraman: Mmmm… maybe.

Guy 3: Let’s all join hands in song.

Cameraman: Wait no it’s a definite yes.

The Guys grab Guy 3 and hold him down.

Guy 2: Get a pen!

Guy 3: No! You draw on me and I will never tell you the secret to untold power!

Guy 1: Oh I’m not falling for that one again.

Guy 2: No wait! The stoned weirdo might be telling the truth!

Guy 1: No I’m the one that says the stupid thing you’re the one that tries to talk me out of it.

Guy 2: Well it’s a movie I can do anything I want.

Guy 1: What are you talking about?

Guy 2: Uh… so untold power you say?

Guy 3: Yes.

The Guys let Guy 3 go. Guy 3 climbs to his feet. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a piece of folded paper that he gives to Guy 2.

Guy 3: Here’s an address. Go there tomorrow at noon.

Guy 3 walks away and closes the door behind him. There’s complete silence in the room.

Guy 1: So…

Guy 2: So…

Guy 1: We still have nearly six hours to kill.

Guy 2: (BEEP)! So what now?

The Guys look at each other and then slowly turn their heads towards Girl 1. Girl 1 is sitting on the couch doing nothing. She back looks at them with a look of slight worry.

Guy 2: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Guy 1: Yeah…

Guy 2: Let’s get pizza.

Guy 1: Uh… yeah that’s what I was thinking.

Guy 2: Wait… what were you thinking?

Guy 1: (Ashamed) I was thinking we should have a volleyball tournament.

Guy 2: That is the stupidest idea ever! We need four people.

Cameraman: Hey!

Guy 2: No offence… but you’re not exactly a person. You’re more like… a camera with arms and legs.

Cameraman: Racist! Just because I was born with nothing but arms and legs!

Guy 1: Unbelievable… racism against people who only have arms, legs and cameras is even worse then racism against Lego people…

Guy 2: I didn’t mean it like that!

Cameraman: You’re so racist!

Guy 1: Yeah!

Girl 1 is rubbing her index finger with her other index finger to cast shame.

Guy 2: Fine! I apologise cameraman for implying that you’re only use is a cameraman and you’re actually a person no different then anyone else.

Cameraman: Good.

Guy 2: Now can we order pizza?

Guy 1: OK.

Less then thirty minutes later (or their money back)

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 2 opens it. Guy 3 is on the other side.

Guy 2: You’re not the pizza guy… or are you?

Guy 3: No. I just forgot to mention not to bring anyone besides you three with you tomorrow.

Guy 2: Fine yeah whatever can I have pizza now?

Guy 3: I’m not the pizza guy.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 3: Can I have a hug brother?

Guy 2 slams the door on Guy 3. Guy 2 starts walking away from the door but there’s another knock. He opens it and a man (Guy 1 dressed differently to save on actors) holding pizza is there.

Guy 2: Hey thanks.

Pizza Guy: Enjoy your… pizza! Hahaha!

Pizza Guy puts his pinky in the corner of his mouth.

(Pause)

Guy 2: O… K… I will.

Pizza Guy: Oh…

Pizza Guy holds out his hand. Guy 2 looks at it then back at him.

Guy 2: I’m not giving you a hug.

Pizza Guy: No I want a tip.

Guy 2: Oh…

(Pause)

Guy 2 slams the door on the Pizza Guy and brings the boxes into the living room.

Guy 1: And then she shot the fuel tank causing the car to explode and thus successfully saving a small Brazilian town from an evil gang leader.

Girl 1 nods slowly and has a look of contemplation on her face.

Guy 2: Pizza’s here.

Girl 1 perks up and quickly runs towards Guy 2 and grabs a pizza box. She smiles and turns around. She opens it and sees nothing. She slowly closes it again and turns around. She holds up the box and throughs it to the ground and storms off and sits down on the couch. She crosses her arms and pouts.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2 looks in one of the boxes.

Guy 2: They’re all empty! That son of a-

Guy 2 looks out the window and Pizza Guy is standing near the gate.

Pizza Guy: Haha! Sucker! The psychic pizza guy strikes again! No tip! No pizza!

Guy 2: What a total moron…

Guy 1: I agree.

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1 who snuck up next to him.

Guy 2: You’re too close.

Guy 1: Oh sorry.

Guy 1 moves away and The Guys sit back down on the couch with Girl 1 who is still angry.

Guy 2: So we’ve got about 5 hours, no pizza and nothing to do…

Guy 1: Lets-

Guy 2: If you say “Get drunk” I’ll kill you.

Guy 1: But no listen, if we just-

Guy 2: No. No. Nnnnno.

Guy 1: But-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Stop talking-

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: To me like-

Guy 2: Down. No.

Guy 1: I’m a dog!

Guy 2: Make me.

(Pause)

Guy 1: I don’t like you.

Guy 2: I don’t care.

To be Continued

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 2

Part One Here

Guy 1A sits down on the couch next to Guy 2A and presses play on the remote.

Guy 2A: Hey…

Guy 1A: Yeah?

Guy 2A: You just killed yourself.

Guy 1A: Yeah I know…

Guy 2A: Oh… Isn’t that sorta weird?

Guy 1A: No.

Guy 2A: So are we going to clean up the body of your alternate self off the floor?

Camera shows Guy 1B lying on the floor dead.

Guy 1A: Later. I’m watching The Terminator.

Guy 2A: Yeah you’re right.

One Hour Later.

Guy 1A: Oh now I get it! The Terminator is a robot! Of course it’s so simple now!

Guy 2A: How many times have you seen this movie?

Guy 1A: At least five times.

There’s a knock at the door. Guy 2A gets up and answers it. Guy 1D is on the other side. He walks in uninvited.

Guy 1D: Hey why am I lying dead on the doorstep? (Pause) And on the floor over there? (Pause) and sitting alive on the couch over there?

Guy 1A: Oh not another one!

Guy 1D: Another what?

Guy 2A: Another you. Another him… What is going on!?

Guy 1D: Oh you mean the clones have got here already?

Guy 2A: You mean they’re clones and not visitors from another reality?

Guy 1D: Nah they are from another reality I just call them clones.

Guy 1A: OK enough talk I’m going to kill you now.

Guy 1A gets out a gun and shoots Guy 1D.

Guy 2A: Why’d you do that?

Guy 1E: Do what?

Guy 2A and 1A turn and there’s another Guy 1 in the doorway.

Guy 1A: This.

Guy 1A shoots Guy 1E.

Guy 2A: Seriously where did you pull that gun from?

Guy 1A: I have unlimited hammer space.

Guy 2B: Nah you’ve just got a fat butt.

Guy 2A turns to the door and there’s another one of him.

Guy 2A: Oh no now there’s one of me!

Guy 2B: Oh no! The mirror isn’t lying when it shows an ugly me! I really am ugly!

Guy 2A: Hey!

Guy 2A grabs the gun off Guy 1A and shoots his clone.

Guy 2A: We seriously need to find a way to stop these clones from appearing.

Guy 1F: I agree.

Guy 1A turns around and there’s yet another clone of him.

Guy 1A: How’d you get in here?

Guy 1F: Through the back door of course.

Guy 1A: Oh…

There’s a long pause as they look at each other. Eventually Guy 1A gets out a gun and tries shooting Guy 1F but has no more bullets left.

Guy 1A: Agh! No bullets!

Guy 1F: Ha ha! Nice one retard! You’re like the biggest loser of all time! Ha ha ha ha- wait…

Guy 1F looks around and sees that The Guys have already left.

Guy 1F: Unbelievable… I just ditched myself!

Meanwhile at Guy 1A’s house…

Guy 1A is peering out his window.

Guy 1A: I think we’re safe here… me from an alternate reality wouldn’t be caught dead in my own house…

Guy 2A: You do realise what you’re saying right?

Guy 1A: Nope.

Guy 1A turns around.

Guy 1A: Look out I’m behind you!

Guy 2A ducks and quickly turns around. Guy 1G is just standing there doing nothing.

Guy 1G: Hi.

Guy 2A: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1A: Oh no… it’s got… a moustache!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh! Yeah I do. Like it?

Guy 1A: Actually yeah. I’ve always wanted a moustache. Hey don’t worry we don’t need to kill this one.

Guy 2A slowly lowers the wooden plank from above Guy 1G’s head and puts it behind his back. Guy 1G looks around and Guy 2A just whistles innocently. Guy 1G turns back to Guy 1A.

Guy 1G: Well I’m glad you think that way…

Guy 2A: Hey if you’re from an alternate reality do you have the same name as him?

Guy 1G: I don’t know. I don’t even know my own name.

Guy 1A: Wow. Then what does everyone call you?

Guy 1G: Same thing they call you.

Guy 1A: Oh… yeah of course. So… why have you got a moustache?

Guy 1G whips out a gun and shoots Guy 1A in the arm and Guy 2A in the chest. He walks over to Guy 1A and points the gun at him.

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha! Don’t you know that clones from an alternate reality with moustaches are always evil?

Guy 1A: Oh yeah… why did I forget that?

Guy 1G: Because you are the biggest idiot of all time! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Guy 1G: Why are you laughing?

Guy 1A: You called yourself and idiot.

Guy 1G: No I… wait… oh… Grr!

Guy 1 starts laughing but is silenced by Guy 1G shooting him. Guy 2C, who also has a moustache, walks up to Guy 1G.

Guy 2C: Good work. Now we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha!

Guy 2C: So what now?

Guy 1G: I don’t know it was your plan.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 2

Part 1: Here

Guy 2 and Guy 1 are sitting in a taxi as it drives them to the airport.

Guy 2: Hey if we're going straight to the airport then what about your luggage? Isn't it at your house?

Guy 1: No. I sent it to the airport in advance. It should be there waiting for us...

Guy 2: You can do that?

Guy 1: I sure hope so...

The taxi arrives at the airport and they get out. There's a large pile of suitcases piled near the footpath.

Guy 1: Ah. My luggage.

Guy 2: What? You just left a bunch of suitcases on the ground outside an airport and hoped they'd still be there a few hours later?

Guy 1: Yeah.... it worked didn't it?

Guy 2: That's not the point! Someone could've really easily stolen it!

Guy 1: No they couldn't have. Look.

Guy 1 walks over and shows Guy 2 a tag with the words "Please do not steal this - xo." written on it.

Guy 1: Everyone obeys the tag. I once put one on a lamp post saying "Please leave your pants
here" and when I came back to it I had a new pair of pants!

Guy 2: Were those the pants with the holes in them, the burn marks and smelt worse than a dead fish?

Guy 1: Yeah! And they were free!

Guy 2: Yeah... good for you... well I'm going to go check in.

Guy 2 unloads his luggage from the back of the taxi and pays the taxi driver. He then walks into the airport and checks in. He checks his watch and it's nearly time to take off. He looks around but doesn't see Guy 1 anywhere.

Guy 2: Where is he? We need to get on the plane real soon...

He looks at his watch once more and starts to wander near the entrance to the plane. Eventually a voice comes over the intercom.

Voice: Flight 599 is preparing for take off. Can all passengers please board the plane.

Guy 2: I know! It's time for an internal monologue! (Inside his head) If he doesn't arrive soon they'll call his name out over the speakers. He can't get a plane ticket without a passport and some form of identification... they must have his name on record!

Guy 2 waits near the entrance. The woman checking tickets looks at him.

Guy 2: I'm waiting for my friend... He was really insistent on boarding the plane with me. He's special you know...

The woman nods. The speakers once again crackle and a voice comes through.

Voice: Not all passengers have boarded, can um...

Guy 2: (Inside his mind) This is it!

Voice: Hey what does that say? (Pause) Then what do I say? OK. The person who is approximately 5"11 with brown eyes and brownie-red hair please board flight 599. You know
where you are.

Guy 2: DAMMIT! So close!

The woman gives him a strange look.

Guy 2: Hey this may sound like the strangest thing you've ever heard but um... can I get a copy of the flight manifest so I can see the names of the people on this flight... so I know what my friends name is...

Woman: Sorry sir I cannot give you that. Especially not so you can find out the name of your friend... that.... yeah that is quite strange... are you sure he's the one who's special not you?

Guy 2: You know sometimes I'm not sure...

Guy 2 hands his ticket to the woman and she checks it. Just as he's about to walk in Guy 1 runs up and hands his ticket to the woman.

Guy 1: Hey.

Guy 2: Hey?

Guy 1: Yeah it's like hello only spelt differently.

Woman: Can you two please board the plane?

Guy 2: OK.

They walk into the plane and find their seats.

Guy 2: What happened?

Guy 1: When? Because you know there have been an awful lot of things that happened...

Guy 2: Where were you? They had to call for you over the loud speakers.

Guy 1: They were calling me? Oh... well I didn't hear my name being called out so yeah...

Guy 2: What is your na-

Guy 1: But I was late because this really tall man was talking to me.

(Pause)

Guy 2: About?

Guy 1: It's a secret. He was American... spoke really good English for an American too. I was impressed.

Guy 2: All American's speak English...

Guy 1: Hahahaha! That's funny!

Guy 2: It's true.

Guy 1: Sure.

The Captain's voice comes over a speaker.

Captain: This is your captain speaking.... not your cook, not your mother, not your long lost
uncle, not your massage therapist and definitely not your boyfriend...

Girl: What?

Captain: Yeah, it's over between us woman in seat C15. Enjoy the flight you slut! OK, well for the rest of you we're about to take off. Please fasten your seatbelts SO YOU DON'T CHEAT ON ME!


Guy 2: I don't think I want to be on this flight...

Captain: Too bad!

Guy 2: Oh great...

The plane took off.

Guy 1: So ever been to another country before?

Guy 2: Yeah I've been to Iceland before. I was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 1: Really?

Guy 2: Yeah, then he asked me where the bathroom was and got out a book with English phrases in it.

Guy 1: That's quite strange. Did you direct him to the toilet?

Guy 2: No but I directed my fists to his face which introduced him to the ground. The ground was accompanied by my foot. My foot soon became acquainted with his ribs and they hit it off instantly. His teeth were jealous so we had a threesome and then I walked off after I got tired.

Guy 1: You always do. Your relationships don't last very long.

Guy 2: Yeah the strange thing was he started yelling after at me saying "I would like to order a ham and cheese sandwich!" It was so weird.

Guy 1: Do you think he didn't know what he was doing?

Guy 2: I'm pretty sure he knew he was bleeding from the mouth I'm sure of that.

Guy 1: Wow. You're violent.

Guy 2: What about you?

Guy 1: No I'm a pacifist.

Guy 2: No I meant have you ever been to another country?

Guy 1: I've been around a few places... France, Belgium, Morocco, England, Brazil. Yeah I remember I was in Paris once and this guy came up and threw a piece of bread straight at my head and yelled "Merde!" at me very, very loudly. Then he stabbed a lady right next to him. Then he gave her money as he said "branleur" to her. It was so random. Then I said thanks and ate the bread.

Guy 2: Did you report the crime?

Guy 1: No. It's France.

Guy 2: So?

Guy 1: Dude. Don't mess with the affairs of other countries.

Guy 2: But-

Guy 1: You just don't OK?

Guy 2: Fine...

Guy 2 picks up a book and starts to read to pass the time. Guy 1 looks around to see if he can find something to entertain himself with. He leans over towards the person in the seat across the aisle.

Guy 1: Hey.

The man turns and looks at him.

Man: Yes?

Guy 1: Are you a racist?

Man: Um... No?

Guy 1: Are you sure?

Man: Yes.

Guy 1: OK. Because you just look like the kind of guy who likes to wear white pyjamas, cover his face and go burning some crosses and killing some black people.

Man: Who says that to people!?

Guy 1: Me. Duh. It's just the way that your hair is pointed up. Hey so you know, what are your opinions on foreigners?

Man: You do realise that I'm going to a different country right now right? I obviously do not have any qualms with other countries.

Guy 1: I suppose so...

Guy 1 turns back to facing forward. He leans back in his seat and looks up at the ceiling.

Guy 1: (Thoughts) I wonder what would happen if I jumped up right now and told everyone to get on the floor? Hmm...

Guy 1 jumps out of his seat.

Guy 1: EVERYONE GET ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW! RIGHT NOW I SAID!

All the passengers panic and put their heads down. They all scrambled onto the floor and lie there shivering and crying. Guy 2 looks around confused at everyone. Nothing happens for a while and there's complete silence.

Guy 2: What are you doing?

Someone on the floor looks up and sees that nothings happening. People start to whisper and murmur in confusion. Someone tries to get up but the person next to them quickly drags them back down and tells them off quickly. One of the men gathers enough courage to speak.

Man 2: Um... or what?

Guy 1: Huh?

Man 2: Are you going to kill us all if we don't stay quiet and remain on the floor?

Guy 1: No. Just... wanted to see what would happen if I told everyone to get on the floor. You all did! That's pretty cool huh? That was pretty funny you got to admit.

Guy 2: You're going to get us all arrested...

Guy 1: For what? Talking loudly on a plane?

Man 2: Can we get up now?

Guy 1: Yeah sure. It's not like I'm going to blow you up.

Just as he said "I'm going to blow you up" a stewardess walks through a door. She sees Guy 1 standing up and everyone else besides Guy 2 lying on the floor and freezes. She drops the tray of refreshments she was holding.

Guy 1: Oh a stewardess... Hey um... want to uh... join... this... game... of.... who can lie on the floor the fastest? Yeah... uh... HE LOST!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2.

Guy 2: Oh uh yeah um... damn. I lost. Yeah. I fail. Haha OK let's have another round. Come on everyone can get up now... please get up off the floor.

Everyone slowly inches off the floor and back to their seats.

Guy 1: OK and... everyone get on the floor now!

Everyone remains seated.

Man 2: Go screw yourself!

Guy 1: Hehe... he... Uh.... yeah!

Stewardess: Right...

She picks up the tray she has dropped and disappears back into another part of the plane.

Guy 1: I think that went quite well considering...

Guy 2: Don't you dare do that again! Ever! We were so close to being tackled to the ground and taken away forever where we'll never see the light of day again! And I like daylight! It's better than moonlight!

Guy 1: You've obviously never had a moontan.

Guy 2: Have you?

Guy 1: No, they're incredibly hard to get.

Guy 2: Everyone's looking angrily at us now... the old lady near the front seems to be having some kind of nervous breakdown.

Guy 1: Well you can't prove that's my fault!

Guy 2: Yes I can. I can ask her and I bet you she'll say it was your fault.

Guy 1: Lying old woman...

Guy 2: Wait no... I don't think I can ask her anymore...

Guy 1: Why? Oh right, because she's sleeping at the moment. Wow old people just nod off anywhere they want to.

Guy 2: Yeah... sleeping... (Thoughts) Oh please God, I don't ask for much but please let that woman be just sleeping!

Guy 1: Hey long do you think there's left of the flight?

Guy 2: About 14 more hours. Why?

Guy 1: Uuuurrggghhhh!! 14 hours?

Guy 2: Yes. Terrible I know. Who would've thought that travelling half-way across the entire planet took a while?

Guy 1: Rhetorical! I would of course!

Guy 2: Just read a book or something...

Guy 1: Fine...

Guy 1 steals Guy 2's book and starts reading it.

Guy 2: Hey!

Guy 1: What?

Guy 2: You stole my book!

Guy 1: Yeah I know. You told me to read something...

Guy 2: Something else!

Guy 1: Be more specific next time.

Guy 2: No. Here read this.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 a very long and large book.

A few hours later:

Guy 1 turns the final page of the book.

Guy 2: Finished already? Wow that was a big book.

Guy 1: No I was just thumbing through each page to see if there were any pictures. There weren't any.

Guy 2: You idiot...

Guy 1: Hey you're the idiot for buying boring books with no pictures.

All of a sudden one of the passengers screams.

Passenger: Agghh!!

Guy 1: What's wrong? What's going on?

He looks at her seat and sees a snake slithering next to it.

Guy 1: Agh! A snake!.... On a plane!

Guy 1 runs over and smashes the snake over the head with the enormous book he's holding. The snake dies instantly. Another two snakes slither into view.

Passenger: Agghh!! More snakes.... on a plane!

Samuel L. Jackson: EVERYWHERE I GO! DAMMIT TO HELL PEOPLE!

Guy 1: Don't worry! I'll save you!

Guy 1 smashes the book down on both of the snakes at the same time. They also die.

Guy 1: Boom! Headshot! Double kill!

Passenger: Oh thank you! Thank you! However can I repay you?

Guy 1: Here. Hold this.

Guy 1 hands her the book.

Guy 1: I don't want it.

Guy 1 sits back down next to Guy 2.

Guy 1: I apologise. You're not an idiot for buying stupid books... your books come in handy for killing things.

Guy 2: Where did the snakes come from?

Guy 1: I don't know. Somewhere... possibly a box or something... Hey got any more books I can read?

Guy 2: (Sighs) Fine. Have this one I've finished it.

Guy 2 hands Guy 1 the book. The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

To Be Continued...