CBM 4: A Psycho Cult by any Other Name

Guy 3: OK… so it is true what they say back at super-special-awesome-secret headquarters… our standards have dropped significantly…

Guy 2: Yes I assume they would’ve seeing how he’s here.

Guy 3: Oh and you as well. Don’t forget that you suck too.

Guy 2: Keep it to yourself you blabbering drunk.

Guy 3: I keep telling you I no longer take drugs of any kind.

Guy 2: Sure… sure… just you keep believing that while the rest of us mock you.

Guy 3: I don’t drink…

(Pause)

Guy 2: Baaaaaaa!

Guy 3: Stop mentioning that will you!?

(Pause)

Guy 2: Baaaaa!

Guy 3: I’ll hit you! I mean… forgive me brother… let us sing songs.

Guy 4: You know you can stop acting like that. We’ve drawn them in.

Guy 2: Huh? What does that mean?

Guy 4: Hey to anyone who isn’t being accepted into the society thinks we’re just some psycho cult because we act like total fruitcakes and go round talking about “peace” and “love” and what not. All the cults and secret societies do it.

Guy 1: You mean when those Moonies said they loved me it was all a lie!?

Guy 4: Yes… they secretly don’t give a (BEEP) about you at all.

(Pause)

Guy 1 starts crying. Girl 1 puts her hand on his shoulder to comfort him.

Guy 4: Stop that.

Guy 1 stops crying.

Guy 1: I’m OK.

Guy 2: So all we know about cults is really a total lie?

Guy 4: Yep… except the bit about them being run by powerful money-hungry and evil corporations.

Guy 1: Oh, well, when you put it like that.

Guy 4: Huh?

Guy 1: I uh… don’t know… I just felt like talking then… just ignore me from now on.

Guy 4: Gladly. So you see we must make it seem to anyone who has found out you’re part of this secret society that you’re totally insane.

Guy 2: Doesn’t seem too hard we do that all the time.

Cameraman: Oh yeah!

Guy 2 hi-fives Cameraman. Girl 1 puts out her hand and looks at Guy 2 and he just looks back. She turns to Guy 1 with her hand still out anticipating a Hi-five. He looks at her and waves.

Guy 1: Hello. Did you want something?

Girl 1 motions towards her hand. Guy 1 looks at it.

Guy 1: I’m not giving you money if that’s what you want.

Girl 1 hits her head with her hand and turns away and crosses her arms.

Guy 4: OK so you can all act like a bunch of insane lunatics on call?

Cameraman: You don’t even have to ask.

Guy 4: Good. OK first to join this secret fraternity you must go through an initiation.

Guy 1: Hey wait. What is this? An organization, a cult a society or a fraternity? You keep changing your description of this secret thing actually is!

Guy 4: OK fine. Shall we stick with “Secret Society”?

Guy 2: Yeah I like that.

Guy 1: Yep.

Guy 3: Oh yeah that’s fine with me.

Cameraman: You’re face!

Guy 1: That’s a yes.

Cameraman: HoooWaaaa!

Cameraman slaps Guy 1.

Guy 1: Ow! Hey but cameraman promised!

Cameraman: Cameraman lied…

Guy 4: Enough! Save it for where it’s appropriate… parliament house!

Cameraman: People keep saying that but I never get to go.

Guy 4: OK we will now refer to it as a “Secret Society” and not an organization, fraternity, cult or organization.

Guy 1: You said organisation twice.

Guy 4: Silence!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers and Guy 5 goes over and stats waving at Guy 1.

Guy 1: You call this annoying?

Guy 4: It will become annoying after a while… trust me that guy is so annoying sometimes I just want to stand on a couple of phone books and strangle him.

Guy 5 keeps waving.

Guy 1: Yeah I know how you feel… man I want to kill Robert Wadlow so much… thinks he’s better than me because he’s taller than me…

Guy 2: He died over fifty years ago and he doesn’t think he’s better than you because he’s taller he thinks he’s better than you because he is!

Guy 1: Shut up!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 5.

Guy 1: OK you can stop now… hello… yes… hello again… you can stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… stop… please stop… just stop it!

Guy 4 snaps his fingers.

Guy 4: I think he’s suffered enough… for now…

Guy 2: So what is this…?

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society…called?

Guy 4: Well this…

Guy 4 looks side to side.

Guy 4: Secret Society is called the Coo-Coo-Clan.

Everyone in the room gasps besides Guy 4.

(Pause)

Guy 1: Oh… my… gosh! It’s the KKK!

Guy 4: No you moron it’s the CCC! Learn to spell!

Guy 1: Never! That’s the spell-checks job not mine!

Guy 4: From now on you will pay attention to the spell checker and spell words like “cat” without any numbers or exclamation marks halfway through. The only word spelt with a “6” is the word “garwsh”.

Cameraman: Told you so!

Guy 2: Ha ha! You got told!

Guy 1: Hey shut up you spell worse then me!

Guy 2: But your handwriting is harder to read.

Guy 1: Then we’re equal.

Guy 2: Agreed.

Cameraman: Fags.

Guy 1: What’s her problem?

Guy 2: It’s that time of the month… you know… when the local electronics shop has a sale and she still doesn’t have enough money to buy a new camera because we don’t pay her…

Guy 1: Aaaah!

Guy 3: Hang on. I have a problem and I want to share it.

Guy 1: Hey I don’t want anymore diseases. I’m just not ready for that kind of relationship… again.

Guy 2: Neither am I.

Guy 3: No not that kind of problem you morons.

Guy 2: Then refill your prescription what do you need us for?

Guy 3: I mean I have a problem with the name!

Guy 2: Ooooohh! That kind of problem! Makes so much sense now!

Guy 3: Yeah! My problem is that it’s the coo-coo-clan and not the coo-coo-secret-society.

Everyone stares at Guy 3.

Guy 4: That’s because the coo-coo-secret-society is a retarded name!

Guy 5: I agree.

Guy 4: I didn’t say you’re allowed to talk.

Guy 3: Well maybe we should change it to something else…

Guy 4: So you’re saying a top-secret society that hasn’t changed in the past hundred years should change its name just so you don’t have a problem with it?

Guy 3: Yes…

Guy 4: All opposed to beating this guy?

He turns to everyone and they just sit there doing nothing.

Guy 4: OK.

Guy 3: You can’t do that!

Guy 4: I was kidding we’re not going to hurt you…

Guy 1: You were kidding!? I didn’t know this!

Guy 2: Hey! That’s unfair! I honestly thought he was going to be beaten!

Cameraman: This is an outrage!

Guy 4: Everyone calm down!

Guy 2: As members of this…

Guy 2 leans forward and looks side to side.

Guy 2: Secret Society… I think we should be allowed to democratically make it so this guy can get beaten up whenever we feel like it.

Guy 4: Well you’re not members yet.

Girl 1 gasps.

Guy 4: Oh wow you’re still here. You haven’t moved much in the past half an hour have you?

Girl 1 shakes her head.

Guy 4: Yeah I know how you feel always being ignored.

Guy 1: Ahem.

Guy 4: No body acknowledges your existence.

Guy 1: Excuse me you were saying?

Guy 4: I mean it must be really infuriating having people ignore you like that.

Girl 1 shakes her head agreeably with what Guy 4 is saying.

Guy 1: We’re not members of the society but…

(Pause)

Guy 4: I just hate it when I’m ignored…

Guy 1: Gah!

To be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 4

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Narrator: In the short time that the portal to an alternate reality had been open dozens of copies had come through… some good some evil… eventually the evil ones triumphed against the originals. Now who will save this world?

Guy 1I: Superman!

Guy 1I points to the sky. It’s a bird.

Guy 2E: It’s a bird.

Guy 1I: It’s a plane!

Guy 2E: No… it’s a bird… come on we have to find… home…

Guy 1I: Oooh! Blue!

Guy 2E: Yes that’s nice it’s the sky please move this way.

Guy 2E walks off leaving Guy 1I. Guy 2E comes back and grabs Guy1I and drags him away.

Meanwhile at Guy 1’s house…

Guy 3B: Mwhahahahaha!

Guy 3A: Shut up.

Guy 3B: Nobody tells me what to do but me!

Guy 3A: Exactly. Shut up. Now… how should we destroy the world?

Guy 3B: Nuclear weapons are always fun.

Guy 3A: Uhhh… that would cause a nuclear winter and I’d prefer my last days on earth celebrating being warm.

Guy 3B: Oh yeah… how about a killer virus that makes people go crazy with rage and kill other people and they don’t even eat or sleep when infected so they eventually die?

Guy 3A: I don’t know… I think that’s been done before…

Guy 3B: How ‘bout we block out the sun?

Guy 3A: That’s also been done.

Guy 3B: What hasn’t been done?

Guy 3A: Turning robots against humans on mother’s day?

Guy 3B: But mother’s day is too far away… plus we don’t have enough evil robots…

Guy 3A: Oh yeah…. forgot about that…

Just then, Guy 2E and Guy 1I burst through the door.

Guy 2E: Hello.

Guy 3A: ‘Sup?

Guy 2E: Nothing much.

In the background Guy 1I is poking the walls and going “oooooh!”

Guy 3B: Hey what’s up with him?

Guy 2E turns around and looks at Guy 1I. Guy 1I pokes the wall then jumps up and down while clapping excitedly. Guy 2E turns around.

Guy 2E: We’re from the retard universe.

Guy 3A: You don’t seem very retarded.

Guy 2E: I don’t know my own name or do simple maths but I can do complex equations in my head instantly.

Guy 3A: Really? What’s 2 plus 2?

Guy 2E: Uhh… umm… uhh…

Guy 2E starts going crazy and spasms.

Guy 2E: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! My head hurts!

Guy 1I claps and laughs.

Guy 1I: Funny monkey!

Guy 3A turns to Guy 3B.

Guy 3A: Man this universe sucks. We really have to close that portal.

Guy 3B: I know… we have to do it before anything dumber comes through.

Guy 2E is on the floor still having a spasm. Guy 1I is kicking him.

Guy 3A: Oh for crying out loud… 2 plus 2 is 4!

Guy 2E stops and looks at him.

Guy 2E: You sure? I have to check that… uhh… umm… umm… agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! It burns!

Guy 2E starts going spastic again. Guy 3A sighs and shoots him. Guy 2E lays still and Guy 1I stares at the body. He then pokes it.

Guy 3A: So where did you come from?

Guy 3B: Your mum.

Guy 3A: OK I don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with that… no but seriously we need to close this portal now.

Guy 3B: OK I’ll show you.

They turn to the door and see Guy 1I thumping Guy 2E with a plank of wood.

A few minutes later they arrive at the portal.

Guy 3A: How do we close it?

Guy 3B: I don’t know… shoot it?

They start shooting at it. Guy 1J appears and dies.

Guy 3A: Hey wow this strategy is making me feel happy already!

Guy 3B: This isn’t working…

Guy 3C: Perhaps I can help.

Guy 3A and B turn around and see Guy 3C who has glasses on.

Guy 3C: I’m from the retard universe as well but for some reason I’m a genius compare to the rest of you… oh burn! A guy from the retard universe is smarter than you!

Guy 3B raises his gun.

Guy 3B: You may be smarter but soon you’re going to be deader if you don’t stop mocking yourself.

Guy 3C: Oh yeah… well it’s simple, just reverse the polarity and the temporal space-time anomaly will implode and some other sci-fi mumbo jumbo happens and then all is solved although it hasn’t been properly explained.

Guy 3A: That was so vague it might just be plausible…

Guy 3B: Nothing about this is plausible…

Guy 3A: Shut up.

The screen goes black.

Narrator: And so the evil ones closed the portal to the other worlds by doing something that sounds scientific and therefore dooming the world forever… or so you would think…

Guy 1K looks around and smiles.

The End.

The Holiday Prt 4

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:

The mugger raises his knife again.

Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?

Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!

Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!

Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)

Mugger: What?

Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)

Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!

Guy 1: Qué?

The Mugger walks off.

Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!

Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.

Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!

Guy 1: Yay for being alive!

Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?

Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!

Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?

Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.

Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?

Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.

Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.

Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!

The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.

Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…

The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?

Guy 1: This or death.

Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?

Guy 1: Why are you whispering?

Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!

Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.

Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.

Guy 2: What did you just do?

Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.

Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.

Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…

Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?

Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.

Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.

Guy 2: Not funny!

Guy 1: I’m sorry…

Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.

Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.

Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!

Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…

The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”

Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…

Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?

Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.

Guy 1: Any good stories?

Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.

Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.

Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.

Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.

Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.

The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.

Man with Lighter: What!?

He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.

Guy 2: They did what now?

Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”

Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?

Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 2: Yeah, good point.

Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.

Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!

Guy 2: Oh please no…

Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…

The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.

Guy 2: What were you saying?

Guy 1: Um… Jelly!

Guy 2: No. No jelly…

Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.

Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!

Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!

Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?

Guy 2: The bus driver!

The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.

Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?

Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…

Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...

Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.

Guy 2: What the hell was that!?

The bus driver leant out the window.

Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!

The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.

Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.

Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.

Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.

Guy 1: Me too.

Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…

Guy 1: I suppose I did…

Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!

Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.

The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.

Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Guy 1: Hey wait a second…

The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.

Guy 1: I know you!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.

Wizard: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?

Wizard: How are you?

Guy 2: We flew here…

Wizard: So did I.

Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?

Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?

Guy 2: Um…

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…

Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?

Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…

Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.

Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.

Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?

The bus blows up.

Guy 2: What the hell!?

The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.

Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!

Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!

Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…

Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!

Guy 2: I’m sorry…

Guy 1: Pft…

Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?

Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.

Guy 2: So how well does that pay?

Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.

Guy 2: OK…

Off in the distance a car is approaching.

Guy 1: Hey look a car!

Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!

They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.

Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?

Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.

Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.

Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!

Sally laughs.

Sally: OK hop in.

They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.

Guy 1: Oh sorry-

Guy 2: No you-

Guy 1: If you insist-

Guy 2: No me!

They both struggle for the doorhandle.

Sally: Um, having trouble?

Guy 1 and 2: No!

They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.

Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?

Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!

Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?

To Be Continued…