Guy 2 walked into the large shopping
centre and was instantly surrounded by the large hustle and bustle of busy
customers walking along with their goods, or about to walk into one of the many
stores that lined the large walk way. Deep in the crowd were teenagers and the
like stopping to relax and talk with fellow friends.
Guy 1: Hey, so what you buying today?
Guy 2: Whoa! Dude, where did you come
from?
Guy 1: Australia. Why? Does my voice
sound weird? I hope I don’t have a cold...
Guy 2: No, that’s not what I meant at
all.
Guy 1: Oh. Well dude if no one’s told you
how babies are made then you really should ask someone... not me though,
because I was never really told... we should ask someone.
Guy 1 stopped someone who walked past by
grabbing their shoulder.
Guy 1: Excuse me, my friend and I are
wondering where babies come from and we’d like you to explain it to us.
The person stared at them, judged them by
their looks to be at the very least two adults, considered the request to be a
joke and walked away without saying a word.
Guy 1: That person just doesn’t
understand social norms... when you ask someone a question, it’s polite to at
least say you don’t know the answer. Hey! You don’t think he was you know...
French? Because-
Guy 2: Shut up! Shut up! I’m going to buy
some parts for my computer. I want to upgrade the graphics card and get an
external hard drive to back up my ever increasing collection of music and
movies.
Guy 1: Cool.
Guy 2 walked in the direction of the
nearest computer store. Guy 1 followed.
Guy 1: I am following you.
Guy 2: I noticed.
Guy 1: I have not much to do today...
Guy 2: What do you do anyway when you’re not around me? Why don’t you just
relax at home?
Guy 1: Well my home is a bit far away
from here, it takes time to get here so I figured while I’m here I’ll just hang
with you.
Guy 2: Oh, goody, me. You still didn’t
answer my first question though...
Guy 1: Oh, I didn’t? Well I’m sorry but I
told you, I don’t know where babies come from.
Guy 2: No- just- but... never mind.
Guy 1: Ok.
They continue walking onwards in silence.
Guy 1: Hmm...
Guy 2: Hmm?
Guy 1: Hmm.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Nuh. Hmm.
Guy 2: What?
Guy 1: Now you’re just getting further
away. I don’t think you quite understand this game at all.
Guy 2: No... I don’t think I do.
Guy 1: Shops huh?
Guy 2: Yeah. I’m not a big fan of
shopping. There are so many people, most of which you don’t know, and some you
wish you didn’t know. You can’t walk around large shops without running into at
least one person you know from high school or somewhere else.
Guy 1: Really?
Guy 2: Yeah. Look, over there, there’s
Trent.
Guy 1: HI TRE-
Guy 2: Shh! Don’t talk to him. He
apparently has anger issues. Once, he got so mad he punched a towel rack.
Guy 1: Wow.
Guy 2: And over ther- oh dear he spotted
me and is coming over.
Guy 1: Who? Who?
Harry: Hey! Haven’t seen you since
graduation!
Guy 2: Yeah! Funny that. Well this is
Harry, Harry this is...
Guy 2 motioned towards Guy 1. Guy 2 gave
Guy 1 a look and nodded towards Harry. Guy 1 nodded slowly. Harry stood there
in silence.
Harry: Well...
Harry mimics Guy 2’s head movements
towards Guy 1.
Harry: ... it’s been nice meeting you,
but I must be off. I should... go... away. I hope you and your boyfriend enjoy
the rest of your day.
Guy 2: Oh we’re not...
Harry leaves.
Guy 2: I’m not... WE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUAL!
HE’S JUST A FRIEND! A FRIEND WHO INVITES HIMSELF THROUGH MY BACK DOOR UNIVITED!
An elderly lady gasps nearby and whacks
Guy 2 across the head with her hand bag.
Elderly Lady: Such language! We’re in
public!
She storms off.
Guy 2: Ow! What was that?
Guy 1: Harry. Also, an old lady hit you.
Guy 2: No not that. Why didn’t you introduce yourself?
Guy 1: Why would I do that?
Guy 2: Because of my head nod.
Guy 1: I thought nodding meant “yes”.
Have I been lied to all these years? That’s confusing. But that doesn’t make
sense; surely other people are also getting this wrong.
Guy 2: Shut up! My head may mean many
things!
Guy 1: You should get a little LCD screen
on your forehead then. You can just flash people words so they understand what
you say. You wouldn’t even need to speak! It’d be so cool! Hey, that store
looks like it sells LCD’s let’s go over there.
Guy 2: (sensing that this is a way to get
rid of Guy 1) Cool, you go do that. But make sure to get the best LCD’s of many
colours, if you have any questions just direct it to that salesman over there.
The salesman saw Guy 2 looking and
pointing. The salesman winked and tipped his hand.
Guy 2: Um... yeah. I’m sure talking to
him will enlighten you about many things. Kbai!
Guy 2 ran off to find the computer store,
hoping that he could then find an exit that didn’t cross Guy 1’s path on his
way back. He just wanted to upgrade his computer without Guy 1 looking over his
shoulder or even, heaven forbid, touching
his computer! It’d probably explode on contact for no apparent reason!
Guy 2 bought the hardware and exited the
shop. Suddenly on the loudspeaker boomed an all too familiar voice.
Guy 1: Hi. Hello. He-loooooowww voice my
voice is now looowwww and echoey. Hey cool, so that’s what this button does.
Attention valuable customers, we have your loved ones hostage. Buy more. Buy
more. Hey there! You look important... security guard. Would you like a turn
with this microphone? No? Are you sure? It’s lots of fun... come on... come
on.... come on... come on.... come on.... come on.... coommmeee ooonnn.....
come on.... come on.... give it a go... come on.... come on.... come on....
come on.... come on... just a try... come on... come on... oh you seem to be
getting physical. OK. But come on just try it once, come on...
Security Guard:
We apologise for that customers. Please resume shopping. Hey, this is kinda
fun.
Guy 2: Wait...
he didn’t deny having my loved ones hostage.
Meanwhile,
elsewhere.
Guy 2’s mother
sits in a chair in a room with no windows.
Guy 2’s Mother:
(long pause) AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! The
laundry hasn’t been done yet!
She resumes
sitting in silence.
Cut to: Guy 2
at the shops.
Guy 2: Hmm...
Nah, I’m sure my mother’s safe.
Guy 2 hurried out
of the shopping centre.
Later, at Guy 2’s
house he was setting up his computer. Guy 1 was nowhere to be seen for once.
Guy 2 turns it on.
Guy 2:
(thoughts) it’s so quiet when he’s not around... Hey, I can even hear my next
door neighbour through the walls...
Neighbour: (sobbing)
why did she leave me?
Guy 2:
(thoughts) Uh... better play some music...
He starts playing
Who are You? By The Who and sings along.
Guy 2:
(thoughts) he’s probably in custody for that stunt at the shops...
Song: Whoooo are youuuu?
Guy 2 starts
wondering about Guy 1. After a while of considering it he opens up Google and
types in “private investigator”. He looks through the results and decides to
hire one by the name of Bruce Butcher. It seemed manly enough after all.
Guy 2 picks up
his phone and calls.
Guy 2: Hello?
Bruce: Yes?
What can I do for you?
Guy 2: I’d like
to hire you to find out things about my friend...
Bruce: Who is
this friend?
Guy 2: I don’t
know.
Bruce: (pause)
I see. Well then it’ll require a lot of skill on my part...
Guy 2: Well I
can give you a photo, or you can just hang outside my house for long enough and
you’ll see him. He comes unannounced and he’s never introduced himself. I’d
like to know his name, or something about him. Where does he live for one?
Bruce: Well
this is a chance of pace from suspicions of jealous lovers. Sure, I’ll stalk
your friend for money.
Guy 2: You
really phrase it that way? That’s part of your business plan?
Bruce: Are you
more comfortable if I lie to you and say it’s something other than that?
Guy 2: I
might...
Bruce: Well
hire a different PI. I’m here to find things out and get things done.
Guy 2: So...
I’ll just... pay you sometime then...
Bruce: Yes. It
also helps if I know your address.
Guy 2: Oh
right... 52 Harbour Road in Rockingham.
Guy 2: OK. When
can you start?
Bruce: I
already have.
(Pause)
Guy 2: Well
that’s efficient.
Bruce: Yes. I
get that a lot.
To be continued.
