The Holiday Prt 7

Part 1 Here: Part 2 Here: Part 3 Here: Part 4 Here: Part 5 here: Part 6 Here:

Sally leads Guy 1 to the kitchen.

Guy 1: Hey.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: Sorry about that embarrassing thing I said to… both your parents.

Sally: Oh.

Guy 1: About the sex.

Sally: Yes I know what you mean.

Guy 1: And having it with you.

Sally: Yes I realise this.

Sally opens the fridge and takes out a few bottles of juice.

Guy 1: I’m very sorry.

Sally smiled.

Sally: No it’s OK! My parents seem to have to ask that to every guy who comes round who isn’t related. You’re the first person who has caught my mother off guard! That was actually pretty hilarious but kinda surprising for me too.

Guy 1: Haha yeah I suppose it would’ve been.

Sally: Haha yeah…

There’s an awkward pause.

Sally: But we’re not going to…

Guy 1: What? Oh. Oh of course not. No…

Sally: Yeah that’d be-

Guy 1: Kinda weird.

Sally: Yeah! Weird, but in a bad way.

Guy 1: Personally I wouldn’t-

Sally: And I wouldn’t…

Guy 1: Yeah…

Sally: Yeah…

Guy 1: So-

Sally: Wait.

Guy 1: Yes?

Sally: Why not?

Guy 1: Sorry?

Sally: You don’t… want to?

Guy 1: Yes! Yes I do! You’re really hot!

Sally recoiled at Guy 1’s enthusiasm.

Guy 1: Oh… I mean-

Sally: Hahaha! You’re very straightforward you know that?

Guy 1: (Shy) Yes.

Sally: Ahhh you’re so interesting. I’d love to get into you…

Guy 1: What!?

Sally: Hahaha! No not that! I meant I want to get inside your head!

Guy 1: Uhh… oh! Oh right…

Sally: You still thought that was dirty didn’t you?

Guy 1: Yes…

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re something special. So, do you like fruit juice?

Guy 1: Yes.

Sally: Good.

Sally turns around and gets even more bottles of juice from the fridge.

Sally: OK well before you we’ve got orange, apple, mango, pineapple, passionfruit, blackberry and then we’ve got some more in the fridge if you can’t decide between those ones.

Guy 1: Oh. I like this place.

Sally: So what’ll you have?

Guy 1: Just pour some of everything into a large jug.

Sally: OK!

Sally gets out a jug from a nearby cupboard and they both get to work pouring various juices into it. After they’ve finished adding something from every bottle they serve it into two cups.

Sally: OK, you first. You’re the official taste tester.

Guy 1: Awesome! I’ve never been the official anything before.

Sally: Well you are now!

Guy 1 takes a drink from the cup.

Guy 1: Hmmm…

Sally: What?

Guy 1: It tastes like pizza.

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Pizza.

Guy 1 takes another sip.

Guy 1: Very weird pizza.

Sally takes a drink.

Sally: Wow it does. That’s so cool!

Guy 1: Do you have any spare drink bottles?

Sally: Sure.

Sally goes to the cupboard and gets out a drink bottle. Guy 1 pours the juice into it.

Guy 1: There. Portable pizza juice.

Sally: Awesome.

Half an hour later: Sally and Guy 1 are walking through the streets of Charleston.

Guy 1: Hey look it’s an old lady!

Sally: There are lots of them. Oh you’re right! It’s old lady Patterson.

Guy 1: She’s that evil old hunch-backed lady that was sneering at us when we drove in.

Sally: Oh nonsense she’s the kindest soul around. Hey Ms Patterson!

Sally waves. Ms Patterson waves back with a smile.

Sally: See?

Sally continues walking. Guy 1 looks back at the old lady to see her sneering back. She points at Guy 1 then moves her index finger across her throat. Guy 1 runs after Sally, scared.

Guy 1: That lady is crazy.

Sally: Oh no, she hasn’t even slipped into dementia or senility in her old age. She’s completely aware of her surroundings. I don’t think anyone in this town is crazy besides the wizard…

Guy 1: The- wait, what?

Sally: Oh my gosh! A stop sign!

Sally started to dance and shake her head.

Guy 1: Sally?

Sally is still dancing.

Sally: Yes?

Guy 1: What are you doing?

Sally: Dancing to the stop sign.

Sally finished in a pose.

Sally: Yah!

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: I call it the Stop Sign Rock. Pretty cool huh? OK I can tell from your confused look that this needs more explaining. OK basically one night my friends and I were out and about and were slightly drunk. So we’re walking along and Ashley goes “oh my gosh! A stop sign!” and we’re like “whoa!” and Ashley went towards it but tripped. She grabbed onto it with one hand and swung around it and it reminded us of Dancing in the Rain so then we all started dancing. So then every time any of us pass this stop sign we totally rock out. So come on, dance with me.

Sally grabbed Guy 1’s hand and started to jump around with him.

Sally: Isn’t this fun?

Guy 1: Yeah. I wonder if my friend is having this much fun.

Sally: Oh with Gary you’re sure to have lots of fun.

Guy 1: For sure.

Cut to: Gary’s room.

Guy 2 was sitting in a beanbag while playing on Gary’s Xbox 360. Gary passed him a can of coke and then picked up the controller.

TV: Player two has joined the game.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah you said it… I have no idea what you said but I know you said it. You know, here I was thinking that you were some creepy psycho mute boy who wanted to kill me when no one was looking and cut me up into pieces… but turns out you’re pretty cool. And harmless!

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: Still don’t understand you.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: So you put on a creepy façade for new people to scare them?

Gary nods.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Cool. And Sally knows all about this right?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That’s pretty cool.

Guy 2 takes a drink of coke.

Guy 2: I like holidays…

Cut to: The Street.

Sally: And over there was the place where nothing happened.

Guy 1: Wow. This town is fascinating.

Sally: Haha. It is! You never know when you’re going to find something on the ground that wasn’t there before.

Guy 1: Sounds like my house… only a lot larger and with real people living in it.

Sally: What is your house like? Besides… filled with mysterious objects?

Guy 1: Well it’s nice… it’s… pretty hard to get to, even for me.

Sally: You don’t live in a cave on a mountain do you?

Guy 1: Oh there are no mountains where I live. No, not for hundreds of kilometres… I mean miles. But there are a few wonderful hills covered in long yellow grass that go on for ages… the occasional tree can be seen, making patches of green leaves amongst the yellow. Of course the trees don’t grow straight like these… except for the gum trees. Amazing things, they tower above any of these trees in people’s yards.

Sally: You live in the country?

Guy 1: Um… sorta… I spend most of my time in the suburbs and the city… but deep down I always feel like I belong back in the hills.

Sally: I like that. You’re a country boy, you’d fit in here pretty well.

Sally held onto Guy 1’s hand.

Guy 1: Really? Wait… there’s not this strange wall thing with various holes in where I have to be the right shape to be included in right?

Sally: What?

Guy 1: Oh… don’t worry my mind was just in a really weird place just then. You see there was this TV show where people had to make shapes with their bodies to fit into this giant wall that tried to push them into water…

Sally: Haha! Sounds interesting.

Guy 1: No it was actually the most awfully boring show.

Sally: Oh…

Just then, a person walked past.

Guy 1: Hey stop! Do you want to try this?

Guy 1 held out his bottle of pizza juice.

Person: Free juice? Sure! I see why not random stranger!

The person took it and took a sip.

Person: Wow! This is really good! I’d go so far as to say that I want to marry this drink!

Guy 1: That’s pretty amazing feedback.

Person: It tastes like pizza!

Guy 1: I know! It’s pretty cool huh?

Person: I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!

Guy 1: OK now you’re getting really creepy.

The person started stomping their feet.

Person: PIZZA! PIZZA! PIZZA!

Guy 1: Er… uhh…

The person suddenly stopped.

Person: Nah I’m just messing with you, I’m not that crazy. Here.

He gave Guy 1 back his bottle.

Person: It’s good. Really good, you could probably sell this stuff.

Guy 1: Thanks.

Person: Hey, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Person: Oh! Wow, I didn’t know they spoke English in Australia… hey do you ride around on Kangaroos?

Guy 1: Yes. We do.

Person: Awesome! Hey, is it true that you force your young to wrestle with the world’s deadliest snakes all at once to make sure only the strongest of your race survive?

Guy 1: (Pause) Yes.

Person: I also heard that next to the Kangaroo and Emoo-

Guy 1: Emu.

Person: Sorry, a what?

Guy 1: Emu. It’s… an Emu. With a u sound.

Person: No, no… an Emoo… tall… bird thing… can’t fly. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Anyway, next to the Kangaroo and the Emoo your national animal is considered to be the scorpion…

Guy 1: Uh… no actually it’s the drop bears.

Person: Drop bears?

Guy 1: Oh yeah. You got to be weary of those drop bears. They’re these little bear like things that hide in trees and then drop down on your face and tear off your flesh. What you have to do is smear vegemite behind your ears to ward them off.

Person: Australia really is dangerous… wow… you’ve opened my eyes.

Guy 1: Glad to have helped…

The person walked off.

Sally: You’re really enjoying bulls***ing half this country aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? No I’m being quite serious… my friend warned me about drop bears once. Scared the hell out of me… but thankfully I always put vegemite behind my ears every time I go out into the bush. I like my face… I want to keep it…

Sally: I like your face too.

Sally ran her hand down the front of his face and over his nose.

Guy 1: What was that?

Sally: Oh just another drunken moment in joke…

Guy 1: So do you get drunk often?

Sally: Only when there’s an occasion…

Guy 1: And are you suggestible when you’re drunk?

Sally: Maaayybee…

Guy 1: Hmm.

Sally: Come on, I’ll race you to the end of this street! 3, 2- go!

Sally started running down the street before Guy 1 could react. He tried his best to catch up.

Sally: Haha I’m beating you!

Sally wins the race.

Guy 1: Oh man I need a drink from all that running…

Guy 1 takes a drink of the pizza juice.

Guy 1: Oh my gosh it tastes like pizza!

Sally: Yeah, you knew that already.

Guy 1: Yeah but it’s just so darn amazing I had to mention it again. Hey do you think that guy back there was serious when he said we could probably sell this stuff?

Sally: Probably. We could find out! I’ve got an idea. Super-awesome-finding-out-go!

Sally walks off with one of her arms outstretched.

Cut to: Guy 2 and Gary.

Guy 2: (long pause) HEADSHOT! (Long pause) son of a…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: No Gary, the shotgun is mine.

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK how come I can get punctuation but not actual words? Just how do you click an exclamation mark?

Gary: (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Whas that an explanation? Was it? Dammit! Explain to me how to understand that other explanation!

Gary sighs. It would obviously take some time for Guy 2 to realise the flaw in his plan. He decided just to monotonously click to distract Guy 2 while he shot him in the back and stole the shotgun.

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Guy 2: Uh huh… yeah… uh huh…

Gary: (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click) (click)

Cut to: Guy 1 and Sally in the garage.

Guy 1: Oh what’s your plan Sally? Is it interesting? Will it bring the boys to the yard and be better than mine?

Sally: Damn right it’s better than yours! Your idea was to spray people on the street with juice and then charge them for dry cleaning.

Guy 1: It could’ve worked.

Sally: Haha no. No it wouldn’t have.

Sally rummaged through the various pieces of junk and memorabilia from her childhood that had accumulated in the garage over the years. She finally got through to the back where a large object lay hidden underneath a large cloth.

Sally: My idea is simple. I present to you-

She took off the cloth in one large swish which knocked her off balance. She fell on the ground and dust flew everywhere.

Guy 1: Dust? Falling down? I do not understand how this makes money.

Sally jumped back up.

Sally: No silly, I present to you this stand!

Guy 1: Oh good you’re standing up now. I’m still not understanding. Am I missing something?

Sally: No not stand as in what I’m doing. I mean stand as in lemonade stand… the thing behind me that I’m pointing to.

Guy 1: Oh.

Behind Sally was a home made lemonade stand. The letters were all faded and peeling but the wood itself still looked sturdy and in good condition.

Sally: I remember this from when I was ten… dad built it for me. I’m so glad we kept it. We just need to repaint it and dust it off and then it can be our Pizza Juice Stand! Yay! So what do you think?

Guy 1: Very little.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on, help me get it out.

Guy 1: You know, if you just took that sentence out of context...

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 6.

Part 1 Here:

Part 2 Here:

Part 3 Here:

Part 4 Here:

Part 5 here

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

Guy 1 and 2 walk into the hall which opened up into a large living area. There were a dozen beautiful paintings on the walls, a lovely miniature bonsai garden in the corner and various antique furniture around the room. The entire room was a mixture of class and culture. All of which the Guy’s completely ignored because they were staring intently at the massive widescreen plasma TV on the wall.

Sally: Uh… are you drooling?

Guy 2: (absent minded) Yeah.

Sally: Do you want a tissue?

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally: OK.

Sally walks off.

Guy 2: Yeah.

Sally comes back a moment later and puts the tissue in front of his face.

Guy 2: Huh? Oh. Um… thanks.

He holds the tissue.

Guy 2: It’s… what I’ve always wanted.

Sally: Of course it was.

Guy 2: (confused) Thanks.

Sally: You’re welcome.

A man with dark brown hair gets up from the couch and walks up to them.

Andrew: Hey Sally! Who are these fine young boys standing there drooling on my floor?

Sally: These are some guys I found on the side of the road. Their bus broke down so I gave them a lift. Can they stay here for a while? Their accommodations kinda burnt down to the ground.

Andrew: Well as long as they know how to use a mop then I have no problem with it. How about you Gary?

Gary: (click)

Andrew: Hahahaha! You’re a riot.

Andrew walks over to the Guy’s and shakes both of their hands hard. This wakes them up from their TV induced trance.

Guy 1: Hello! How are you?

Andrew: I’m good son. I’m good. How are you?

Guy 1: I’m good too.

Andrew: That’s good.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Your drool is on my floor.

Guy 1: Yes… yes it is.

Andrew: Hey, you’re Australian.

Guy 1: Yes! Yes it is! I mean, I am. Yes I am.
Andrew: I went to Australia once. I went to all the great cities there. Sydney, Melbourne, Canberra…

Guy 1: Perth?

Andrew: No.

Guy 1: Oh…

Andrew: There’s nothing in Perth.

Guy 1: There’s Kings Park.

Andrew: Yeah but it’s only the size of Monaco. And the view is ruined by the ugly bell tower. And I hear the cities are filled with homeless people and if you’re going to find things to do then you can only do so much. It’s just Western Australia’s capital because all the other places are just towns too small to have their own city which is pathetic and- and you live there don’t you?

Guy 1: Yes.

Andrew: I don’t retract my statement.

Guy 1: I’ve rung one of those bells in the bell tower…

Andrew: Cool. I’m going to get the mop.

Guy 1: You do that.

Andrew leaves.

Sally: I didn’t know my father had gone to Australia before…

Guy 1: That guy was your father? He looks quite young.

Sally: Yeah.

Guy 1: For my first impression I drooled on his floor.

Sally: Yeah. You’re a unique one but you’re pretty cool.

Guy 1: Why was I drooling?

Sally: I think it had something to do with our massive TV. Do you want to watch it?

Guy 1: Hell yeah! I can’t wait to do it! Let’s lie down on the couch right now! How big do you think it is?

Andrew returns just in time to hear Guy 1. He stops in mid stride with the mop in his hands.

Andrew: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 was completely uncertain what he had meant by that. So many things entered his mind he had no idea how to react. He sounded strangely happy so was he trying to be ironic? Was he secretly hiding his anger through a happy façade? Would he kill me if I did something to his daughter? Is he protective? Is this a trap? Is he just bonding with me? Is he trying to see if there’s something going on between me and his daughter? More importantly does he think I have a chance? Is this his attempt at humour? What kind of person is he?

Guy 1 merely freezes as he processes this. He then looks around the room trying not to look guilty and then just smiles to himself. He looks at Andrew smugly and defiantly.

Guy 1: May-be!

Andrew: Use protection.

Andrew starts to mop the floor. Once again Guy 1 tried desperately to interpret this. Wait; was that humour or an honest suggestion? What is Sally’s reaction? OK she’s shaking her head. Does that mean she’s embarrassed or just disapproving of the joke? Was it a joke? Oh I sure wish I could understand human behaviour better… I’m so maladjusted. I wonder if this is a good point in time to mention that I don’t know what foreplay is…

Sally: Hey you look deep in thought. What’s on your mind right now?

OK is there a look on my face that gives it away? If so, does that mean she expects that I’m thinking so she’s encouraging me to say it? But if she is then why bother? No. I don’t think she’s psychic. Maybe I shouldn’t say… But what if she understands and helps me with this problem of not knowing? Do I take that chance? I wonder if she’ll teach me… hehehe… Once again, I’m not sure what it is so I’m not sure if I should be laughing or not… it just seems appropriate. Wait, no, I’ve stood here too long I should say something.

Guy 1: Hehehe.

Sally: Hahahaha! You’re so weird! Come on; let me introduce you to my mother.

Sally links her arm with Guy 1’s.

Guy 2: Hey what about me? Have you completely forgotten me?

Sally: Yes actually! Wow! Sorry. You can come to if you want… or you could stay here with Gary. I’m sure he’d love the company.

She points to Gary who is standing near the corner of the hallway staring intently at Guy 2.

Gary: (ominous click)

Guy 2: Uhh… I think I’ll meet your mother actually.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: Aww, but he wants to spend time with you! Isn’t that right Gary?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: (Worried) How do you know that!?

Sally: See? He definitely wants you to leave the both of us alone.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m scared.

Guy 1: I’m sure you’ll be fine. Nothing bad ever happens in remote country towns with small populations and minimal police forces. Don’t you ever watch movies?

Guy 2: What? Like The Village? No.

Gary: (click)

Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 2: You don’t even understand what he said.

Guy 1: Sure I do… sort of… hey Gary, say something.

Gary: (click) (click?)

Guy 1: That meant… “How are you?” right?

Sally: Nearly. It was “who are you?” but that was good.

Guy 1: See? There’s a simple trick to it. You just have to listen carefully.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally and Guy 1: What he said.

Guy 1: Ha!

Sally: Awesome!

Sally and Guy 1: Simultaneous!

They hi-five each other.

Guy 2: I didn’t get that. It’s just clicking!

Gary: (Happy click)

Guy 2: Don’t you start! I have no idea what you said but I’m sure you’re mocking me!

Gary: (click?)

Guy 2: How do you click a question mark!?

Guy 1: He’s a very talented clicker.

Sally: He’s been doing it since a kid. He’s won all the local clicking contests.

Guy 2: This town is so boring it has to have clicking contests?

Sally: Haha no. I just wanted to try and fool you into thinking that we do. Come on; go with Gary to find clothes that will fit you.

She tugs on Guy 1’s arm and directs him out of the room.

Sally: My mother’s name is Cleo. She’s really cool…

Sally’s voice fades away. Guy 2 turns to look at Gary who has walked up to him and is now smiling eerily.

Andrew: Well I’m going to work now. Bye. Play nice kids.

Guy 2: You’re leaving?

Andrew: Yes. To go to work. Bye.

Andrew leaves the house.

Guy 2: So…

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Yeah I… don’t know what you just said.

Gary: (click) (click)

Guy 2: You’re still just clicking… is it a pitch thing? Am I missing the different tones?

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: OK that was pointless I didn’t understand that.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Please stop doing that.

Gary: (click)

Gary slowly paints towards a mysterious black door on the other side of the room. Gary looks at Guy 2 creepily with a huge smile on his face.

Guy 2: OK I’m pretty sure I know what that means…

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: (scared) Uhh… are you sure you don’t want to stay out here… where there’s um… witnesses?

Gary: (click!)

Guy 2: OK! OK! I’m going…

Guy 2 follows Gary into the door and into Gary’s room. The door slams behind them and a click is heard just before Guy 2 gives out a short girlish scream.

Cut to: backyard.

Cecilia is hanging up clothes on the washing line to dry. She looks like an older version of Sally only with more freckles. She turns to see Guy 1 and Sally.

Sally: Hey mum!

Cecilia: Hey Sally! And hello to you too handsome young man.

Guy 1: Well that’s what they call me.

Sally: They call you “you too handsome young man”?

Guy 1: Hell yeah.

Sally and Cecilia laugh identical laughs. Cecilia suddenly stops and is serious.

Cecilia: Why are you here?

Sally: Mum. His bus broke down.

Guy 1: And I lost all of my luggage.

Sally: Then the hotel he was going to stay at burnt down.

Guy 1: And now I’m cold and lonely…

Sally: That… too. But basically he has nowhere to stay so can he stay here? Dad has no problem with it.

Cecilia: You know I love random strangers. Sure he can stay. My name’s Cecilia by the way.

Cecilia turns and leans close to Guy 1.

Cecilia: (Ambiguously happy) I sure hope you’re not planning on having sex with my daughter!

Guy 1 suddenly felt like he’d been in this situation before… Aha! I have no idea why she’s inquiring this but I won’t make the same mistake I did last time. I’m not going to be the one caught off guard this time! I’m saying something!

Guy 1: Yes I am!

Cecilia and Sally both froze as they tried to process this. Guy 1 slowly started thinking that maybe, just maybe he shouldn’t be smiling ear to ear right now. There was complete silence for a moment before the sound of Sally hitting her forehead with her palm broke the tension. Sally sighed and started counting down on her fingers from three to zero. At zero Cecilia smiled and patted Guy 1 on the shoulder.

Cecilia: Use protection.

Sally: Mum!

Cecilia: What? It’s good advice!

Guy 1: She’s right. It is.

Sally: You and Dad are perfect for each other… it’s embarrassing.

Cecilia: We’re parents. It’s our job.

Sally: Can we move on from this?

Cecilia: Sure. So “you too handsome young man”, tell me about yourself.

Guy 1: Well I’m from Australia, I was born on a Tuesday and I really like to eat sandwiches.

Cecilia: Interesting. Have you got any hobbies?

Guy 1: Is eating sandwiches a hobby?

Cecilia: It could be. So what brings you to Charleston Illinois?

Guy 1: Because Charleston Arizona didn’t appeal to me. Nah, I won a free trip here.

Cecilia: Here? Well a free trip is a trip I suppose…

Guy 1: Yes I suppose it is.

Cecilia: Well welcome to Charleston, the place where trees grow!

Guy 1: I’ve always wanted to see trees!

Sally and Cecilia both laugh.

Sally and Cecilia: You’re weird.

Cecilia gives Sally a smug look while Sally looks at Cecilia partially terrified.

Cecilia: One of us… one of us…

Sally: No mum I’m not turning out like you!

Cecilia: One of us! One of us!

Sally: No!

Sally tries to cover Cecilia’s mouth but Cecilia pushes her hands away. They both laugh.

Cecilia: Haha! OK, well get your friend something to eat Sally and then go and show him the town. Don’t forget to show him the courthouse!

Guy 1: (Quietly) Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free!

Cecilia: Exactly!

Sally and Guy 1 walk back into the house.

Sally: So do you want something to drink?

Guy 1: Sure.

To Be Continued…

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 4

Part One:

Part Two:

Part Three:

Narrator: In the short time that the portal to an alternate reality had been open dozens of copies had come through… some good some evil… eventually the evil ones triumphed against the originals. Now who will save this world?

Guy 1I: Superman!

Guy 1I points to the sky. It’s a bird.

Guy 2E: It’s a bird.

Guy 1I: It’s a plane!

Guy 2E: No… it’s a bird… come on we have to find… home…

Guy 1I: Oooh! Blue!

Guy 2E: Yes that’s nice it’s the sky please move this way.

Guy 2E walks off leaving Guy 1I. Guy 2E comes back and grabs Guy1I and drags him away.

Meanwhile at Guy 1’s house…

Guy 3B: Mwhahahahaha!

Guy 3A: Shut up.

Guy 3B: Nobody tells me what to do but me!

Guy 3A: Exactly. Shut up. Now… how should we destroy the world?

Guy 3B: Nuclear weapons are always fun.

Guy 3A: Uhhh… that would cause a nuclear winter and I’d prefer my last days on earth celebrating being warm.

Guy 3B: Oh yeah… how about a killer virus that makes people go crazy with rage and kill other people and they don’t even eat or sleep when infected so they eventually die?

Guy 3A: I don’t know… I think that’s been done before…

Guy 3B: How ‘bout we block out the sun?

Guy 3A: That’s also been done.

Guy 3B: What hasn’t been done?

Guy 3A: Turning robots against humans on mother’s day?

Guy 3B: But mother’s day is too far away… plus we don’t have enough evil robots…

Guy 3A: Oh yeah…. forgot about that…

Just then, Guy 2E and Guy 1I burst through the door.

Guy 2E: Hello.

Guy 3A: ‘Sup?

Guy 2E: Nothing much.

In the background Guy 1I is poking the walls and going “oooooh!”

Guy 3B: Hey what’s up with him?

Guy 2E turns around and looks at Guy 1I. Guy 1I pokes the wall then jumps up and down while clapping excitedly. Guy 2E turns around.

Guy 2E: We’re from the retard universe.

Guy 3A: You don’t seem very retarded.

Guy 2E: I don’t know my own name or do simple maths but I can do complex equations in my head instantly.

Guy 3A: Really? What’s 2 plus 2?

Guy 2E: Uhh… umm… uhh…

Guy 2E starts going crazy and spasms.

Guy 2E: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! My head hurts!

Guy 1I claps and laughs.

Guy 1I: Funny monkey!

Guy 3A turns to Guy 3B.

Guy 3A: Man this universe sucks. We really have to close that portal.

Guy 3B: I know… we have to do it before anything dumber comes through.

Guy 2E is on the floor still having a spasm. Guy 1I is kicking him.

Guy 3A: Oh for crying out loud… 2 plus 2 is 4!

Guy 2E stops and looks at him.

Guy 2E: You sure? I have to check that… uhh… umm… umm… agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! It burns!

Guy 2E starts going spastic again. Guy 3A sighs and shoots him. Guy 2E lays still and Guy 1I stares at the body. He then pokes it.

Guy 3A: So where did you come from?

Guy 3B: Your mum.

Guy 3A: OK I don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with that… no but seriously we need to close this portal now.

Guy 3B: OK I’ll show you.

They turn to the door and see Guy 1I thumping Guy 2E with a plank of wood.

A few minutes later they arrive at the portal.

Guy 3A: How do we close it?

Guy 3B: I don’t know… shoot it?

They start shooting at it. Guy 1J appears and dies.

Guy 3A: Hey wow this strategy is making me feel happy already!

Guy 3B: This isn’t working…

Guy 3C: Perhaps I can help.

Guy 3A and B turn around and see Guy 3C who has glasses on.

Guy 3C: I’m from the retard universe as well but for some reason I’m a genius compare to the rest of you… oh burn! A guy from the retard universe is smarter than you!

Guy 3B raises his gun.

Guy 3B: You may be smarter but soon you’re going to be deader if you don’t stop mocking yourself.

Guy 3C: Oh yeah… well it’s simple, just reverse the polarity and the temporal space-time anomaly will implode and some other sci-fi mumbo jumbo happens and then all is solved although it hasn’t been properly explained.

Guy 3A: That was so vague it might just be plausible…

Guy 3B: Nothing about this is plausible…

Guy 3A: Shut up.

The screen goes black.

Narrator: And so the evil ones closed the portal to the other worlds by doing something that sounds scientific and therefore dooming the world forever… or so you would think…

Guy 1K looks around and smiles.

The End.

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 3

Part One
Part Two

Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.

Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.

Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.

Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.

Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.

Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.

Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?

Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.

Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?

Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.

Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.

Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.

Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!

Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.

Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.

Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!

Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!

Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?

Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?

Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.

Guy 2D: I agree.

The Guys walk off.

Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.

Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.

Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.

Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.

Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.

Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…

Cameraman: Duh!

Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?

Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?

Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.

Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.

Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.

Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?

Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…

Cameraman: Aww! How sad…

Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.

Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.

Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?

Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?

Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…

Outside where the other alternate guys are…

Guy 1H: Hey dude.

Guy 2D: Yeah?

Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?

Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!

Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!

Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!

Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.

Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.

Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.

Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.

Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.

Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!

Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.

Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?

Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!

Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!

Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!

Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.

Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.

Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!

Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…

Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!

Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…

Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.

Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.

Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.

Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.

Guy 1H: Cameraman…

Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.

Guy 1H: Thankyou.

Guy 3A: Hi guys.

Guy 3 waves.

Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?

Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?

Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.

Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?

Guy 2D: No.

Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!

Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?

Guy 3A: Uh… no…

Guy 2D: Exactly.

The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.

Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!

Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!

Guy 2D: Hey.

Guy 2C: Hey.

Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!

Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.

Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.

Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?

Guy 2D: Yeah… you?

Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…

Guy 2D: Oh of course.

Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?

Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…

Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?

Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?

Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.

Guy 1G: Well actually…

Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.

Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?

Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!

Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!

Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.

Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!

All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.

Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!

Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.

Guy 1H: Then who did?

Guy 3A: I did.

Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.

Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!

Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!

Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.

Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…

Guy 3A: Silence!

Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.

Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?

Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.

Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!

Guy 3B: Think again!

Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.

Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!

Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!

Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!

Guy 3B: Yeah!

To Be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 2

Part One Here

Guy 1A sits down on the couch next to Guy 2A and presses play on the remote.

Guy 2A: Hey…

Guy 1A: Yeah?

Guy 2A: You just killed yourself.

Guy 1A: Yeah I know…

Guy 2A: Oh… Isn’t that sorta weird?

Guy 1A: No.

Guy 2A: So are we going to clean up the body of your alternate self off the floor?

Camera shows Guy 1B lying on the floor dead.

Guy 1A: Later. I’m watching The Terminator.

Guy 2A: Yeah you’re right.

One Hour Later.

Guy 1A: Oh now I get it! The Terminator is a robot! Of course it’s so simple now!

Guy 2A: How many times have you seen this movie?

Guy 1A: At least five times.

There’s a knock at the door. Guy 2A gets up and answers it. Guy 1D is on the other side. He walks in uninvited.

Guy 1D: Hey why am I lying dead on the doorstep? (Pause) And on the floor over there? (Pause) and sitting alive on the couch over there?

Guy 1A: Oh not another one!

Guy 1D: Another what?

Guy 2A: Another you. Another him… What is going on!?

Guy 1D: Oh you mean the clones have got here already?

Guy 2A: You mean they’re clones and not visitors from another reality?

Guy 1D: Nah they are from another reality I just call them clones.

Guy 1A: OK enough talk I’m going to kill you now.

Guy 1A gets out a gun and shoots Guy 1D.

Guy 2A: Why’d you do that?

Guy 1E: Do what?

Guy 2A and 1A turn and there’s another Guy 1 in the doorway.

Guy 1A: This.

Guy 1A shoots Guy 1E.

Guy 2A: Seriously where did you pull that gun from?

Guy 1A: I have unlimited hammer space.

Guy 2B: Nah you’ve just got a fat butt.

Guy 2A turns to the door and there’s another one of him.

Guy 2A: Oh no now there’s one of me!

Guy 2B: Oh no! The mirror isn’t lying when it shows an ugly me! I really am ugly!

Guy 2A: Hey!

Guy 2A grabs the gun off Guy 1A and shoots his clone.

Guy 2A: We seriously need to find a way to stop these clones from appearing.

Guy 1F: I agree.

Guy 1A turns around and there’s yet another clone of him.

Guy 1A: How’d you get in here?

Guy 1F: Through the back door of course.

Guy 1A: Oh…

There’s a long pause as they look at each other. Eventually Guy 1A gets out a gun and tries shooting Guy 1F but has no more bullets left.

Guy 1A: Agh! No bullets!

Guy 1F: Ha ha! Nice one retard! You’re like the biggest loser of all time! Ha ha ha ha- wait…

Guy 1F looks around and sees that The Guys have already left.

Guy 1F: Unbelievable… I just ditched myself!

Meanwhile at Guy 1A’s house…

Guy 1A is peering out his window.

Guy 1A: I think we’re safe here… me from an alternate reality wouldn’t be caught dead in my own house…

Guy 2A: You do realise what you’re saying right?

Guy 1A: Nope.

Guy 1A turns around.

Guy 1A: Look out I’m behind you!

Guy 2A ducks and quickly turns around. Guy 1G is just standing there doing nothing.

Guy 1G: Hi.

Guy 2A: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh!

Guy 1A: Oh no… it’s got… a moustache!

Guy 1G: Agh! Agh! Yeah I do. Like it?

Guy 1A: Actually yeah. I’ve always wanted a moustache. Hey don’t worry we don’t need to kill this one.

Guy 2A slowly lowers the wooden plank from above Guy 1G’s head and puts it behind his back. Guy 1G looks around and Guy 2A just whistles innocently. Guy 1G turns back to Guy 1A.

Guy 1G: Well I’m glad you think that way…

Guy 2A: Hey if you’re from an alternate reality do you have the same name as him?

Guy 1G: I don’t know. I don’t even know my own name.

Guy 1A: Wow. Then what does everyone call you?

Guy 1G: Same thing they call you.

Guy 1A: Oh… yeah of course. So… why have you got a moustache?

Guy 1G whips out a gun and shoots Guy 1A in the arm and Guy 2A in the chest. He walks over to Guy 1A and points the gun at him.

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha! Don’t you know that clones from an alternate reality with moustaches are always evil?

Guy 1A: Oh yeah… why did I forget that?

Guy 1G: Because you are the biggest idiot of all time! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Guy 1G: Why are you laughing?

Guy 1A: You called yourself and idiot.

Guy 1G: No I… wait… oh… Grr!

Guy 1 starts laughing but is silenced by Guy 1G shooting him. Guy 2C, who also has a moustache, walks up to Guy 1G.

Guy 2C: Good work. Now we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!

Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha!

Guy 2C: So what now?

Guy 1G: I don’t know it was your plan.

To be continued...

The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1

Sorry for putting The Holiday on hold (don't worry it shall be resolved!) but I've got exams for the next two weeks and have written anything in a while so I guess the hungry masses are starving for entertainment and so I must supply you with something. It's not second rate (well actually it is but I'm lying to you to make you think it's better than it really is) but it does get slightly confusing and delves more into the weird universe of Bilby where the 4th wall is occasionally broken and Cameraman talks more. (But not in this one though) I also wrote it two years ago so keep than in mind. The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1 everyone! Love it dammit! LOVE IT!

Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.

Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?

Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.

Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…

Guy 2 turns around.

Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!

Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.

Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.

Guy 2: No you’re not!

Guy 1A: Just let me in!

Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.

Guy 1A: Hello.

Guy 1B: Whoa!

Guy 1A: What are you doing here?

Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?

Guy 1A: I asked you first.

Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.

Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…

Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…

Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?

Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-

Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!

Pause.

Guy 2: OK. So now what?

Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…

Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.

Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.

Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…

Guy 1B: I am you!

Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.

Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!

Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!

Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)

While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.

Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…

There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.

Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…

Guy 1A: How many of me are there?

Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…

Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…

Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.

Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!

Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.

To be continued...

The Holiday Prt 5.

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
Part 4 Here:

Sally had the most wonderful wavy peach blonde hair that flowed down onto her lightly tanned shoulders that were clearly visible. Her light-green tank top was tight against her body showing off her exquisite curves.

Cameraman: Oh you can so tell a man wrote that…

Guy 1 and 2: Go away! You’re not in this story!

They go back to staring at her soft, feminine shoulders.

Sally: Hey are you listening to me?

Guy 1: No.

Sally laughs.

Sally: Yeah you are you answered my question! You silly goose you.

Guy 1: Yeah… silly.

Guy 1 blinks several times and shakes his head.

Guy 1: Yes! I’m a goose!

Sally laughs again.

Sally: You’re so funny! Haha you’re going to make me laugh so much we crash and die!

Guy 2: Can you make sure only he dies and we get out alive?

Sally: Haha! Oh you.

Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m starting to like this holiday now.

Guy 1: That’s nice. You can leave now.

Sally: So where are you guys from?

Guy 1 and 2: Australia!

Guy 2: Yeah I wrestle crocs for a living.

Guy 1: Yeah well… I wrestle him for a living!

Guy 2: What?

Sally: Wow. Well G’day mate!

Guy 2: No one says that.

Guy 1: G’day!

Sally: Throw another shrimp on the barbie.

Guy 2: We call them prawns.

Guy 1: And he wrestles them for a living!

Sally: I’d love to see that!

Guy 2: Well I’ll give you a special private show if you want me to.

Sally: No way! I need to bring the girls around.

Guy 2: OK! I like where this is going.

Sally: To see you and your shrimp.

Guy 1 cracks up laughing. Guy 2 punches him on the shoulder but he keeps laughing.

Sally: Hey I’ve been driving for hours do you mind if we pull over so I can stretch my legs?

Guy 1: No I don’t mind your legs at all.

Sally: Haha that’s not quite what I meant but thank you anyway.

Sally pulls over and gets out. Guy 1 and 2 also get out. Sally stretches and looks at the sky.

Sally: The sky is so beautiful out here… I could just stare at it for days on end.

Long pause. Guy 1 looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs then looks back at Sally. Long pause.

Guy 1: But you’re not going to… right?

Sally: No of course not! Mmmmaybe tomorrow though. Want to join me?

Guy 2: Sure!

Sally: I was asking him.

Guy 2: Oh.

Guy 1: Yeah OK.

Guy 1 looks at Guy 2 smugly. Guy 2 looks back with a look of disdain.

Sally: OK well we’d better get going again.

Guy 1 and 2 turn to get back into the car, but Sally rushes over so she’s in front of them.

Sally: But first you must fight me! Hiyah!

Sally pretends to punch both of them before kicking the air.

Sally: Haha I’m just kidding come on let’s go.

Guy 1 relaxes from his defensive stance. They all get into the car and continue their drive towards Charleston.

Sally: So what are you doing here in America?

Guy 2: This idiot decided to click on a bunch of banner ads and infected my computer with viruses after he borrowed money from a loan shark in my name and so if we don’t go on this holiday and somehow find a bunch of money then I’m going to have my legs broken. So you know… it’s all his fault.

Sally: Oh don’t be so harsh on the poor guy! He got you a lovely holiday in a beautiful country to a darling place that no one ever goes to.

Guy 2: No one ever goes to Charleston?

Sally: Bahahaha! Except us of course.

Guy 2: What’s actually in Charleston?

Sally: Trees. And houses.

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Sally: We’ve also got a courthouse! You like justice right?

Guy 1: Oh my gosh! I love justice!

Sally and Guy 1: Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free! Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s there to protect me! Justice is good, never ever ever wrong, ever feel down, sing the justice song! Because we’re defending civil rights yeah! Defending civil rights. Gotta love those rights ‘cause they help our civil plights. Break it down!

Guy 1 points to Guy 2. Guy 2 just sits there.

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: Awww! Don’t you know the Justice Song?

Guy 2: Um… no.

Sally: Sigh!

Guy 1: Sigh indeed.

Guy 2: Where would I get a hold of the Justice Song?

Sally: I don’t know. You either just know the song or you don’t.

Guy 1: Yeah you social reject.

Guy 2: OK list how many friends you have then…

Guy 1: Um… you… cameraman… uh… Sally! Sally’s my friend right aren’t you Sally?

Sally: I sure am! You’re my Justice Buddy!

Guy 1: Yes! I finally have a Justice Buddy! Oh yeah and Steve.

Guy 2: Steve?

Guy 1: Yeah Steve. You know… he’s got hair… on his head. Eyeballs? Nose? Is any of this ringing a bell?

Guy 2: Oh so he’s… a mammal then?

Guy 1: Yeah! He’s a mammal.

Sally: Yay for mammalia! Hey well we’re nearly at Charleston. Do you guys know where you’re staying?

Guy 2 looks at Guy 1.

Guy 1: Um… oh. Oh! Yes, Queen Anne’s on 7th Street Bed and Breakfast!

Guy 1 looked very proud of himself.

Guy 2: It sounds nice.

Sally: To 7th Street then!

Guy 1: Hoorah!

They continue to drive onwards. They arrive at Charleston and Guy 1 and 2 stare out the windows taking it all in, the trees and buildings, the teenagers walking along laughing, the strange old hunch-backed lady pointing directly at the car with a sneer on her face, all of it. Guy 1 realised his nose had been pushed up against the glass which explained why he couldn’t breathe properly. He moved slightly away from the windowpane and realised he had left a mark that looked like a demented face on the glass. He tried to rub it off but it refused to be cleaned away. The car stops.

Sally: Um…

Guy 1: What?

Guy 1 and 2 turn to look at what Sally had stopped in front of. It was the Queen Anne’s on 7th Street. It was on fire.

Guy 1: Agh!

Sally: Agh indeed!

Man on Fire: AAAGGHHHHH!!!

The man ran into the front of the car, screamed at the windscreen, ran to the side of the car and looked in before screaming again. He then went around the car and screamed at the other window. He then ran around in a circle before running off.

Guy 1: I wonder what his problem was.

Guy 2: What are we going to do now? This is so unfair on us!

The man on fire returned to scream and Guy 2 before running off again.

Guy 2: My thoughts exactly! Urgh… what are we going to do now?

Sally: Well perhaps calling the fire brigade would be a good plan.

Guy 2: Nah, someone else has probably done that already.

Cut to: Local fire station.

Man on Fire runs up to a bunch of fire-fighters who are sitting around.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: That man is on fire! What is it man on fire? Where’s the fire?

The Man on Fire points.

Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!

Fire-fighter: Let’s go!

The fire-fighters all rush into their trucks and drive off towards the fire. The Man on Fire looks around and sees no one. He looks down at his still flaming arms.

Man on Fire: Agh? Agh…

Cut to: Sally’s car.

Guy 2: So what now?

Sally: Have you got like, a back up place to stay?

Guy 1: No. Not really…

Sally: Oh.

Guy 2: Great.

Sally: Well you could always stay at my place if you want.

Guy 1 and 2 paused for a moment. There was an almost audible click as the clogs in their brain suddenly came together and realised what had just been offered to them. Their smiles got larger than they ever thought they could and they suddenly started wondering about the size of things…

Guy 1 and 2: YES! YES! OK! SURE!

Guy 1: We’d love to!

Guy 2: That’d be great!

Guy 1: Thank you thank you thank you!

Guy 2: You’re so awesome!

Guy 1: Yay for Sally!

Guy 2: Yay indeed!

Guy 1: Have my babies!

Sally: Hahaha! Wait- what?

Guy 1: Um… you know… being a parent is quite hard so if you could just… take my babies away from me… forever… that’d be greatly appreciated.

Sally: You’re a father?

Guy 1: Haha no. No I’m not.

Sally: I didn’t think so.

Guy 1: Awww you got me! Awww.

Sally: Aww! Oh well! Well OK guys we’re going to my house!
Guy 1 starts celebrating in the back of the car.

Guy 1: YES! YES! YEAH! WOOOOO!!! HELL YEAH! HOUSE! HOUSE! HOUSE!

Sally: Whoa! You’re a bit of a loud fella aren’t you?

Guy 1: What? Oh… so that wasn’t inside my head then?

Sally slowly shakes her head.

Guy 1: Oh…

Guy 1 hangs his head, embarrassed.

Guy 1: (Quietly) Yes. Woo. Awesome. Yeah…

Guy 2: Still not in your head.

Guy 1: Shut up!

Ten minutes later they arrive at Sally’s house. It looked similar to the rest of the suburban homes around it. A teenager, probably 16 or 17 years of age, steps out of the house and hugs Sally.

Sally: Hey guys, meet my younger brother, Gary.

Guy 1: Hello.

Guy 2: Hey.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: Excuse me?

Sally: Oh he’s mute. He communicates in a series of clicks.

Gary: (click) (click)

Sally: That means hello.

Guy 2: (click) (click)

Sally: No don’t do that. He’s not deaf so finds people clicking at him mockery.

Gary: (click)

Guy 2: That was “yes” right?

Sally: No. Think four letters. OK, well Gary can take your lugg- Wait.

Guy 2: What? Oh…

Sally: Did you guys actually… bring anything?

Guy 2: Oh great!

Guy 1: What? What? What’s going on? I’m quite oblivious to your cause of distress!

Guy 2: We forgot our luggage! We left it on the bus!

Guy 1: Oh… aw dammit! And I had some important stuff!

Guy 2: Such as?

Guy 1: Not telling you. It’s personal.

Cut to: Side of the road. The passengers of the bus sit opposite the burning wreckage.

Black Man: OK I’ve recovered what I can from the luggage on board…

He looked at the tag attached to the suitcase he was holding.

“Please do not steal this - xo.”

Black Man: Hey who doesn’t want me to steal their luggage?

Everyone puts their hand up slowly and slightly confused.

Man: Well it’d be best if you um… didn’t?

Black Man: No there’s a note… oh never mind.

He opens up the case and sees a bunch of Pokemon plush toys.

Black Man: Who here likes Mudkips?

Man: Oh for crying out loud. Let it die! That is an overused internet meme!

Black Man: No I meant… this doll… here.

Cut to: Sally’s house.

Guy 1: Well do you think we can go back?

Guy 2: They were probably all destroyed in the explosion.

Guy 1: Dammit!

Sally: Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Gary won’t mind lending you some clothes and you can always just buy a few new clothes from the local store here. It’ll be very touristy! Come on! I’ll help you shop!

Guy 1: Really? That’d be awesome.

Sally: Oh a guy actually enthusiastic about shopping. I like that.

Guy 1: Hehe…

Guy 2: Dude… are you blushing?

Guy 1: (Defensively) No! Stop looking at me!

Guy 1 covers his face with his hands. Sally laughs.

Sally: Come on inside I’ll show you around.

She leads them up the stairs and opens the door. Guy 2 walks in first then, Guy 1, who is still covering his face, walks into the wall right next to the door. Sally laughs.

Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!

To Be Continued…

The Holiday Prt 4

Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:

The mugger raises his knife again.

Mugger: Money! You understand that? How about knife or stab or kill? You understand that?

Guy 1: No! No I don’t! I don’t speak English!

Mugger: Oh… Well speak something in another language then!

Guy 1: Um… Qué pelo encantador usted tiene!
(What lovely hair you have!)

Mugger: What?

Guy 1: Usted tiene gusto de aspirar en monkies
(You like to suck on monkies)

Mugger: Oh cool! Hey you’re alright. I won’t cut you up, steal your money and rape you after all!

Guy 1: Qué?

The Mugger walks off.

Mugger: Man I love those Mexicans!

Guy 2 turns to Guy 1.

Guy 2: I didn’t know you knew how to speak Spanish!

Guy 1: I don’t. That was Spanish? Sorry I thought it was gibberish.

Guy 2: Well whatever it was it saved our lives!

Guy 1: Yay for being alive!

Guy 2: Yay indeed! OK let’s keep moving. Where do we go now?

Guy 1: Well we head that way for a while, turn left at S State St, turn right at W Congress Pkwy, take the I-90/I-94/Ryan Expy exit toward Indiana, merge onto I-90 E/I-94 E and continue for a bit until we take a right at the I-57 S, then south for a bit more, a bit more…. Then a bit more… just a little bit more after that… then there’s Paxton, Rantoul, Thomasboro, then we run into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono who we must subdue with a logic puzzle then A LOT more driving and then Galton, Arcola, Humboldt, then take the exit 190A to merge onto IL-16 toward Charleston and we’re practically there!

Guy 2: So that’ll take us what? 40 minutes of driving?

Guy 1: Um… probably a bit more.

Guy 2: OK so how are we going to get there?

Cut to: The inside of a moving bus.

Guy 1 and 2 are sitting next to a crying baby.

Mother: Shhh… shh… shh…. Shh! Shh! Shh! SHHHH! SHUT UP! AGGHHHH!!!

The mother opens the window and throws the baby out of the window. Guy 1 and 2 look horrified at her.

Mother: Ahh… peace and quiet at last…

The mother puts her head back and falls asleep in her chair. Guy 2 is still horrified as he looks at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) Tell me again why I’m here?

Guy 1: This or death.

Guy 2 looks slowly back at the sleeping mother then back at Guy 1.

Guy 2: (whispers) There’s an “or” now?

Guy 1: Why are you whispering?

Guy 2: (whispers) So I don’t wake that psycho lady up and get us both thrown out a bus window!

Guy 1: Oh don’t worry I’ll fix that.

Guy 1 reaches into his pocket and takes out a bottle of pills. He takes two pills and pops them into the mother’s mouth. She swallows them and continues to sleep.

Guy 2: What did you just do?

Guy 1: Drugged her. She’ll be asleep for the rest of the trip and the rest of Heath Ledgers acting career.

Guy 2: Heath Ledger is dead.

Guy 1: Oh… well these are his pills so um… oh…

Guy 2: You’re kidding me aren’t you?

Guy 1: (Smiles) Yeah. I am.

Guy 2 punches Guy 1 on the arm.

Guy 2: Not funny!

Guy 1: I’m sorry…

Guy 2: No you’re not. I wonder if there any more psychopaths with us on this bus.

Guy 2 looks around and sees assorted people. Many of whom look normal but a few stick out. One of whom is a strange man hidden by a black hood. Another is dressed in a wizard costume. There was a black guy covered in jewellery and gangster clothing. He was wearing sunglasses and listening to an MP3 player. One other person was sitting there eyeing a disposable lighter.

Guy 2: Hey look at that black guy! He’s so awesome!

Guy 1: I wonder what he’s listening to…

The Gangster picks up his MP3 Player and switches his play list from “folk” to “classical.”

Guy 2: Probably something Gangster…

Guy 1: Hmm… hey so ever been on a bus before?

Guy 2: Yes. Yes I have.

Guy 1: Any good stories?

Guy 2: Well there was this one time I got onto the bus… then a few stops later I got off and I was at my destination. No I don’t have any good stories about bus travel. Thing’s don’t normally happen on busses.

Guy 2 looks at the sleeping mother.

Guy 1: I once rode the bus… Bus drivers are insane. He was driving all over the place picking up all these random people and driving them places.

Guy 2: But… that’s what busses do.

Guy 1: Yeah but they generally don’t do it while setting things on fire.

The Man with the lighter perked up suddenly.

Man with Lighter: What!?

He looked around for a few seconds before slinking back down and staring at his lighter.

Guy 2: They did what now?

Guy 1: Yeah. He went round picking people up, dropping them at places, then burning up their tickets and saying “Now you are free.”

Guy 2: (Pause) OK all the weird s*** just happens to you doesn’t it?

Guy 1: Says the guy who was bitten by a man in a moose costume.

Guy 2: Yeah, good point.

Guy 2 looks out the window and sees a man in a car drive up besides the bus. The driver leans out his window and honks his horn.

Driver: I’ll race ya! Come on bus driver what do you say? We both stop and test each others drag skill!

Guy 2: Oh please no…

Guy 1: Oh come on the bus driver’s not going to stop…

The bus driver stops. The driver cheers and stops too. He reverses so he’s in line with the bus.

Guy 2: What were you saying?

Guy 1: Um… Jelly!

Guy 2: No. No jelly…

Both engines start to rev. The bus driver looks intently at the other driver. Then both count down from three and take off. The bus driver starts changing his gears as the force from the acceleration pushes Guy 1 and 2 back against their seats.

Guy 1: On the bright side, at least we’ll get there faster!

Guy 2: Oh good! Drag racing is really just great for getting places fast!

Guy 1: Hey who’s winning?

Guy 2: The bus driver!

The surrounding green fields and scenery blurred past. The Man with the lighter looked out the windows without blinking looking like he was experiencing some kind of psychedelic experience. The Driver caught up to the bus and pushed a button on his dashboard. Suddenly the glove box opened up and revealed a handgun. The Driver started to shoot at the bus and the bus driver retaliated with a machine gun.

Guy 2: Now they’re shooting each other! Why!?

Guy 1: It’s America! Everyone has guns! Look at the guy over there hidden by the black hood. Even he’s holding a gun and he looks pretty innocent enough…

Guy 2: Dear God. I know I don’t ask for much… In fact I’ve never asked for anything… ever. I’ve never gone to Church or even read the bible and I actually am the first person in the room to decide to openly mock you for fun… but I heard from a friend of a friend you’re the guy to turn to when you’re going to die… I don’t want to die. Please God, save me from the madness of America...

Suddenly the car drove straight into the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono at over 100 miles per hour and was instantly totalled. Unidentifiable pieces of monster flew everywhere as they were sliced up by metal and glass.

Guy 2: What the hell was that!?

The bus driver leant out the window.

Bus Driver: Hahaha sucker! I WIN!

The bus started to slow down back to the legal speed limit. It then slowed down some more before coming to a stop. The bus driver tries to start the bus again but it doesn’t.

Driver: OK everyone out, the bus has died. You might as well stretch your legs while I see if I can fix this.

Everyone gets off the bus and looks around them. There was nothing but green fields all around them besides the occasional country house far off in the distance.

Guy 2: OK so our bus has broken down in the middle of nowhere… mmm I love our holidays together.

Guy 1: Me too.

Guy 2: I think you missed the sarcasm there…

Guy 1: I suppose I did…

Bus Driver: Well the engine looks completely shot… I’m going to go see if any of those people in the houses over there have any mechanical skills to help repair it. I just sure hope I don’t get eaten by… the dreaded wandering beast of Tolono! Dun dun dun!

Guy 1: Didn’t you see it? It got splattered across the road by that guys car…

Bus Driver: Oh yeah… well I’m off now. Everyone stay here.

The Bus Driver points his machine gun at the sky and marches off towards the nearest house. Guy 1 and 2 sit down on the side of the road. The man dressed as a wizard comes over and sits down next to them.

Wizard: Hello! I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: Uh huh…

Guy 1: Hey wait a second…

The Wizard takes off his wizard hat.

Guy 1: I know you!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: It’s that guy! That guy I told you about that I was talking to at the airport just before we left.

Wizard: Yes! Tis I!

Guy 2: Right… so how are you here now?

Wizard: How are you?

Guy 2: We flew here…

Wizard: So did I.

Guy 2: But we were the last people on the plane… and you were the reason why he was late so… how could you have possibly got onto the plane?

Wizard: Who said I went on the plane?

Guy 2: Um…

Wizard: I’m a wizard!

Guy 2: (Quietly) Help me…

Guy 1: Hey so how have you been?

Wizard: Oh I’ve been pretty good… no trolls have jumped out and attacked me which is good. Hahaha yeah that’s a bit of wizard humour there…

Guy 1: Haha… I don’t get it.

Wizard: It’s dirty don’t worry.

Guy 2: Well oh good we’re stuck in the middle of nowhere and now a wizard is making obscure sexual innuendo about trolls… can things get worse?

The bus blows up.

Guy 2: What the hell!?

The Man with the lighter runs past them. He’s screaming and on fire.

Black Guy: You fool! You set the gas tank on fire!

Man with Lighter: Agh! I didn’t- agh mean to! Agh!

Black Guy: Yes you did! I saw you boy!

Guy 1 turns to Guy 2.

Guy 1: Hey here’s an idea… don’t tempt fate. You’re such a fate tempter…

Wizard: Yeah you fate tempter!

Guy 2: Huh?

Guy 1: You ask a question like if things can get worse and they always get worse! You’d think you would’ve learnt this by now but no! No you just have to be a fate tempter!

Guy 2: I’m sorry…

Guy 1: Pft…

Guy 2: So… you’re a wizard?

Wizard: Yes. I’m a wizard.

Guy 2: So how well does that pay?

Wizard: Poorly. But my activities normally include stopping other people from getting a job so it’s all good.

Guy 2: OK…

Off in the distance a car is approaching.

Guy 1: Hey look a car!

Guy 2: What? Oh quick get up!

They stand to their feet. The car comes to a stop in front of Guy 1 and 2. The window rolls down to reveal a beautiful blonde girl.

Sally: The name’s Sally. Can I offer you two handsome boys a ride?

Guy 1 and 2 smile ear to ear.

Guy 1: Well you don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Guy 2 hits Guy 1 in the chest.

Guy 2: Yes you do! I mean, yes we do!

Sally laughs.

Sally: OK hop in.

They both go for the passenger’s seat next to the driver’s seat.

Guy 1: Oh sorry-

Guy 2: No you-

Guy 1: If you insist-

Guy 2: No me!

They both struggle for the doorhandle.

Sally: Um, having trouble?

Guy 1 and 2: No!

They sneer at each other then both sigh and get into the back. The car drives away towards Charleston. Behind them there’s the sound of an explosion.

Black Guy: How did you manage to blow up the gas tank a second time!?

Man with Lighter: Agh! I don’t know! Agh I’m on fire even more so!

Black Guy: Hey did anyone get that sleeping lady off the bus?

To Be Continued…

The Holiday Prt 3

Part 1: Here

Part 2: Here

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

The captain's voice comes over the speakers again.

Captain: This is your captain speaking. We're about to experience what we call turbulence!

Guy 1: Gasp!

Guy 2 grasps onto the arm wrests. The plane jolts ever so slightly for a few moments and barely anything moves at all.

Guy 2: Was that it?

Captain: Yes. Yes it was.

Guy 2: How can this guy hear me?

Captain: I can't hear you...

Guy 2: Yes you can.

Captain: No I can't.

Guy 2: Yes you can!

Guy 1: Dude, it's obvious he can't hear you. Didn't you hear what he said?

Captain: Exactly.

Guy 2: OK you're just creepy...

Captain: OK well I'd just like to inform you all that we'll be landing in five hours so take this time to take a quick nap and think about how you're all going to be faithful to the ones you love...

Guy 2 leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. He slowly drifts off into sleep.

Captain: (Whispering) Be faithful... Be faithful... Be faithful...

Guy 2 opens his eyes and looks quite scared.

Captain: We're currently at an altitude of-

Guy 2 closes his eyes again.

Captain: Be faithful-

Guy 2 opens his eyes.

Captain: -feet above sea level and are cruising nicely.

Guy 2 goes to sleep. When he wakes a few hours later the plane is flying lower towards a large bustling city. Chicago is below them.

Captain: We're about to land at Chicago international airport. Everyone make sure their seatbelts are on or die!

Guy 2 had a sinking suspicion that the Captain was half-tempted just to deliberately crash the plane into the nearest building and be done with it all instead of doing all those complex landing things that are involved in piloting. He was fortunately proven wrong when the plane landed absolutely perfectly and everyone got out unharmed. People still looked at him and Guy 1 angrily though. The entered the terminal

Guy 2: Wow these people really hold a grudge.

Guy 1: Yeah just because they thought that I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels.

Just as Guy 1 said "I was going to blow them all to hell because I think they're infidels" a security guard walked past. The guard instantly turns to look at Guy 1 and yells.

Security Guard 1: TERRORIST!

The security guard tackles Guy 1 to the ground and beats him across the face repeatedly.

Security Guard: How do you like the taste of freedom b***!?

Guy 1: I don't know! You're restraining me so I don't have freedom!

Security Guard: (In time with his punches) America! America! America! America! America!

Guy 1: (In time with the punches) Ow! This. Is. Extremely. Painful.

Other Security guards rush over to the scene.

Security Guard 2: Have you subdued the spineless scum of the earth?

Guy 1: What'd you call me?

Security Guard 2: SILENCE!

The security guard spits on Guy 1.

Guy 1: Why aren't you helping me?

Guy 2: Sorry I don't speak to the scum of the earth...

The first security guard proceeds to pummel Guy 1 more and more.

Security Guard 1: Yeah smell that. Smell the smell of democracy!

Guy 1: Smells of McDonalds.

Security Guard 1: Because McDonald's is freedom! They give you want you want dammit and they don't blow up your children when you ask for a large Coke and fries!

Guy 1: Neither do I!

Guy 2: OK! OK! I'm feeling bad for you now! Please stop beating my friend!

Security Guard 2: You know this traitor of the free world!?

Guy 2: Um... yes. Sorta. Well by "friend" I mean acquaintance...

Guy 1: Come on!

Guy 2: OK yeah he's my friend. But he's not a terrorist!

Security Guard: You sound foreign.

Guy 2: We're Australian!

Security Guard 2: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 2: What? Never mind. You see he was just commenting on how a few of the passengers on the plane didn't like us because my "friend" played a practical joke on them. It's all a big misunderstanding I swear! We don't want to blow anything up we love this country...

Guy 1: All 3,794,066 square miles of it!

Security Guard 1: How do you know so much about our country? You been studying it?

Guy 1: Only in school.

Security Guard 1: Aha!

The first security guard raises his fist to strike.

Guy 2: Wait! It's part of the school education system! It's a subject called Geography where we learn about other countries other than our own. We also know about Europe and Africa and New Zealand ect. We know bits and pieces about everywhere!

Security Guard 1: Hmm... as suspicious as it sounds that you'd learn about countries outside your own I guess seeing how you are foreign, and they do things differently in the far West like Australia, we might let you go after a routine .

Guy 1: But Australia is in the Ea-

Guy 2: Shut up before you get us killed!

The Security Guards escort Guy 1 and 2 to an office where they're handcuffed and sat down before a man with a computer.

Man: OK so I'm just going to search into your backgrounds... dig up some dirt. Expose your secrets... see if you want to blow up our innocent and lovely land of freedom and justice then we're going to send you where you deserve depending on how we see fit.

The Man starts typing at his computer.

Guy 2: (Whispering to Guy 1) OK seriously you better not say anything that will incriminate us or we're going to get beaten up and thrown in a cell. You got that?

Guy 1: Yes.

Man: Hmm?

Guy 1: I said... Yes. As in... Yes...

Man: Very good...

The Man types more into the computer. Something beeps.

Man: Ah it says here you once set fire to private property.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: Um... OK which one of us are you referring to right now?

Man: You.

The Man looked at Guy 2.

Guy 1: Ah OK.

Guy 2: Yeah does it say who's private property it is? Because I'm pretty sure it was my own...

Man: Heavily populated private property with high risk of injury to residents...

Guy 2: I was having a party so there's your heavy population and the high risk was because none of us were wearing safety goggles.

Guy 1: I was.

Guy 2: Yeah but you came with those already on you. You had no idea fire was going to happen.

Man: You used highly flammable materials with potential to become explosive.

Guy 2: Deodorant is not a dangerous weapon of mass destruction!

Man: You then played anti-establishment music at loud volumes in disregard of surrounding inhabitants’ peace and quiet and were reported to the local police who proceeded to break up your activities.

Guy 2: American Idiot by Green Day. And the next door neighbour is a tool. He's an 80 year old man who hates everything that doesn't remind him of World War Two. If you played Elvis or The Beatles at a volume he could hear he'd still call the cops on you.

Man: Hmm...

The Man continues typing at his computer. Guy 2 tenses up as he slowly awaits his fate. He was not looking forward to the verdict, as harmless as his activities had been the man had really made them sound like he was a terrible person that should be locked away instead of being in America. It was true but he didn't want them to know it. After five minutes of non-stop typing the man mutters under his breath.

Guy 2: Hmm?

Man: Oh nothing... just some guy stole the shotgun and is now camping behind a corner.

Guy 2: What?

Man: I'm playing Halo online. Sorry, OK. Well after much consideration I have decided that you're both relatively harmless to the sanctity of our blessed country. You may leave now.

Guy 2: Oh thank you!

They get up to leave but Guy 2 stops.

Guy 2: Hey wait, aren't you going to review his past?

Man: We know already that he's harmless.

Guy 1 tries to reach for the door handle but misses and bumps into the door.

Guy 2: Yeah... I suppose you're right...

Cut to: The car park of the airport.

Guy 2: I swear you better not get us nearly thrown into Guantánamo Bay again!

Guy 1: As in I better not endanger us of being thrown into there a second time or I better not endanger us of being thrown in there again as in we've already been there once and we don't want to go again?

Guy 2: Seeing how we've never been there it's the former!

Guy 1: OK. Hey that reminds me I want a coffee.

Guy 2: How does that remind you of coffee?

Guy 1 walks out of the airport car park and calls a passing taxi.

Guy 1: Former not the latter, latter sounds like Latté, I want coffee. It’s very simple. Try to keep up.

The both get into the taxi.

Taxi Driver: Where to?

Guy 1: To the nearest Starbucks!

Taxi Driver: Rightio.

He drives off.

Taxi Driver: So, where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Taxi Driver: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Taxi Driver: So um... what's Australia like? I hear the northern hemisphere has all the seasons reversed so when we have summer you have winter. Is that true?

Guy 2: Um... sorta.

Taxi Driver: Cool. So is it true that you ride Kangaroos around over there?

Guy 1: (Whispers) Should we correct him or just mess with him?

Guy 2: (Whispers back) Mess with him. (To the Taxi Driver) Oh yeah! All the time! I own my own kangaroo. I renewed my license just a few months ago so I can ride Kangaroos all over the place. I own my own so I don't have to use my parents whenever I want to go somewhere.

Taxi Driver: (Obviously missing the sarcasm) Oh awesome! I've always wanted to ride one. Do they get good mileage?

Guy 2: Oh yeah, they get quite far on just one stomach full of grass. Cheaper than petrol. The only thing is we use kilometres instead of miles.

Taxi Driver: Kilometres? Cool. That sounds pretty trippy.

Guy 2: Yes. Yes it does. Hey so you guys got alligators here instead of crocodiles right?

Taxi Driver: Yeah.

Guy 2: Awesome. I've always wanted to wrestle one. A good old reptile wrestling match will stop me from getting homesick.

Taxi Driver: Whoa! You guys really do that over there?

Guy 2: All the time.

Taxi Driver: Wow! I need to go to Australia sometime. I'm going to tell all my friends I met an Australian today.

Guy 2: You do that.

Taxi Driver: Well, we're here.

The taxi stops and they both get out. Guy 1 walks into Starbucks while Guy 2 pays. Guy 2 hands over the appropriate amount of money for the ride to the Taxi Driver. The Taxi Driver holds out his hand waiting for a tip. Guy 2 waves goodbye and walks off. The Taxi Driver drives off in a huff. Guy 2 walks up to the counter where Guy 1 is ordering.

Guy 1: ...I'd like all of that to go.

Guy 1 turns around.

Guy 1: Hey. You going to order anything?

Guy 2: No.

Guy 1: Do you think everyone here will treat us with the same shock they do when we mention we're Australian and we're speaking English?

Guy 2: Come on not everyone will be shocked at that surely.

Woman behind counter: Here you go.

Guy 1 turns around and takes his Latté. He gives her money.

Guy 1: Thank you.

Woman behind counter: Hey you sound foreign. Where are you from?

Guy 1: Australia.

Woman behind counter: Wow you speak really good English for an Australian.

Guy 1 and 2 look at each other.

Guy 2: OK next person we meet won't say that I bet you!

Woman behind counter: Sorry?

Guy 2: Australian's speak English dammit! We all speak English!

The woman behind the counter leans back, scared. Guy 2 storms off and Guy 1 follows him. They both walk into the street and continue walking.

Guy 1: Dude did you see her face? Man she was freaked out!

Guy 2: Why is everyone here an idiot?

Guy 1: Because it’s funny for the rest of us. Come on, laugh! They think we’re a bunch of croc-wrestling, kangaroo riding, bilingual, terrorists from the northern hemisphere! How could anyone not think that’s funny?

Guy 2 smiles a bit.

Guy 2: Yeah I guess it is funny…

Guy 1: Exactly! We’re bloody Australian’s and we can say and do whatever we want because these guys don’t know what we’re meant to be like! They’ll just think we’re foreign and leave us alone! Hey how about next time we meet someone we pretend we don’t speak English?

Guy 2: Hahahaha! OK let’s do that!

The continue walking for a while. Suddenly a mugger jumps out of an alley and holds a knife at them.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Guy 1: I do not speak English!

To Be Continued…