Narrator: In the short time that the portal to an alternate reality had been open dozens of copies had come through… some good some evil… eventually the evil ones triumphed against the originals. Now who will save this world?
Guy 1I: Superman!
Guy 1I points to the sky. It’s a bird.
Guy 2E: It’s a bird.
Guy 1I: It’s a plane!
Guy 2E: No… it’s a bird… come on we have to find… home…
Guy 1I: Oooh! Blue!
Guy 2E: Yes that’s nice it’s the sky please move this way.
Guy 2E walks off leaving Guy 1I. Guy 2E comes back and grabs Guy1I and drags him away.
Meanwhile at Guy 1’s house…
Guy 3B: Mwhahahahaha!
Guy 3A: Shut up.
Guy 3B: Nobody tells me what to do but me!
Guy 3A: Exactly. Shut up. Now… how should we destroy the world?
Guy 3B: Nuclear weapons are always fun.
Guy 3A: Uhhh… that would cause a nuclear winter and I’d prefer my last days on earth celebrating being warm.
Guy 3B: Oh yeah… how about a killer virus that makes people go crazy with rage and kill other people and they don’t even eat or sleep when infected so they eventually die?
Guy 3A: I don’t know… I think that’s been done before…
Guy 3B: How ‘bout we block out the sun?
Guy 3A: That’s also been done.
Guy 3B: What hasn’t been done?
Guy 3A: Turning robots against humans on mother’s day?
Guy 3B: But mother’s day is too far away… plus we don’t have enough evil robots…
Guy 3A: Oh yeah…. forgot about that…
Just then, Guy 2E and Guy 1I burst through the door.
Guy 2E: Hello.
Guy 3A: ‘Sup?
Guy 2E: Nothing much.
In the background Guy 1I is poking the walls and going “oooooh!”
Guy 3B: Hey what’s up with him?
Guy 2E turns around and looks at Guy 1I. Guy 1I pokes the wall then jumps up and down while clapping excitedly. Guy 2E turns around.
Guy 2E: We’re from the retard universe.
Guy 3A: You don’t seem very retarded.
Guy 2E: I don’t know my own name or do simple maths but I can do complex equations in my head instantly.
Guy 3A: Really? What’s 2 plus 2?
Guy 2E: Uhh… umm… uhh…
Guy 2E starts going crazy and spasms.
Guy 2E: Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! My head hurts!
Guy 1I claps and laughs.
Guy 1I: Funny monkey!
Guy 3A turns to Guy 3B.
Guy 3A: Man this universe sucks. We really have to close that portal.
Guy 3B: I know… we have to do it before anything dumber comes through.
Guy 2E is on the floor still having a spasm. Guy 1I is kicking him.
Guy 3A: Oh for crying out loud… 2 plus 2 is 4!
Guy 2E stops and looks at him.
Guy 2E: You sure? I have to check that… uhh… umm… umm… agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! It burns!
Guy 2E starts going spastic again. Guy 3A sighs and shoots him. Guy 2E lays still and Guy 1I stares at the body. He then pokes it.
Guy 3A: So where did you come from?
Guy 3B: Your mum.
Guy 3A: OK I don’t know where to begin with what’s wrong with that… no but seriously we need to close this portal now.
Guy 3B: OK I’ll show you.
They turn to the door and see Guy 1I thumping Guy 2E with a plank of wood.
A few minutes later they arrive at the portal.
Guy 3A: How do we close it?
Guy 3B: I don’t know… shoot it?
They start shooting at it. Guy 1J appears and dies.
Guy 3A: Hey wow this strategy is making me feel happy already!
Guy 3B: This isn’t working…
Guy 3C: Perhaps I can help.
Guy 3A and B turn around and see Guy 3C who has glasses on.
Guy 3C: I’m from the retard universe as well but for some reason I’m a genius compare to the rest of you… oh burn! A guy from the retard universe is smarter than you!
Guy 3B raises his gun.
Guy 3B: You may be smarter but soon you’re going to be deader if you don’t stop mocking yourself.
Guy 3C: Oh yeah… well it’s simple, just reverse the polarity and the temporal space-time anomaly will implode and some other sci-fi mumbo jumbo happens and then all is solved although it hasn’t been properly explained.
Guy 3A: That was so vague it might just be plausible…
Guy 3B: Nothing about this is plausible…
Guy 3A: Shut up.
The screen goes black.
Narrator: And so the evil ones closed the portal to the other worlds by doing something that sounds scientific and therefore dooming the world forever… or so you would think…
Guy 1K looks around and smiles.
The End.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 4
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 3
Part One
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
Part Two
Guy 2C is dragging Guy1A away.
Guy 2C: Alternate you needs and alternate diet.
Guy 1G: I can shoot you with my alternate weapon if you don’t stop complaining.
Guy 2C: Or alternatively you could help me.
Guy 1G: I’m a bit busy getting rid of alternate you.
Guy 1G is dragging Guy 1A away in another direction. He stops and walks away.
Guy 1G: OK so what’s your evil alternate reality plan?
Guy 2C: Well I was thinking we could find out where the vortex is before any other copies of us come through.
Guy 1G: Then finish off the other approximately twenty versions of me?
Guy 2C: Yeah. If I accidentally kill you in the process know there’s no way I could have known.
Guy 1G: But I have a moustache and none the other ones do.
Guy 2C: Oh… well then I’ll kill you accidentally.
Guy 1G: Stop saying you’re going to kill me!
Guy 2C: Accidentally of course.
Meanwhile in the street a vortex opened up. It disappeared in a flash of light and another Guy 1 and 2 stood in its place.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude! We just travelled into an alternate reality!
Guy 2D: Whoa! Dude!
Guy 1H: I know! Hey I wonder if this is the evil universe?
Guy 2D: Well if this was the evil universe then our alternate selves would have moustaches. IT just makes sense I mean seriously… what idiot doesn’t know that?
Guy 1H: I don’t know but anyone dumb enough not to know that deserves to die.
Guy 2D: I agree.
The Guys walk off.
Over at Guy 1’s house the two evil Guys were discussing things.
Guy 1G: Well I say we should destroy the world.
Guy 2C: Well I say we should take over the world.
Guy 1G: Oh no one cares about what you say.
Guy 2C: Well if we take over the world instead of destroying it we could rule over more than just ash. And if there are still people there are still girls.
Guy 1G: Ohhh! Now I know why no one ever destroyed the world in our universe…
Cameraman: Duh!
Guy 1G: Hey should we destroy this universes cameraman?
Guy 2C: Well do you see another cameraman anywhere?
Guy 1G looks in a direction and the camera view is coming from there. He looks in other directions and the same thing happens.
Guy 1G: Nope. I don’t see any other cameraman.
Guy 2C: Anyway… this cameraman is a lot better looking then our old one.
Cameraman: Uh… don’t you guys have alternate girlfriends?
Guy 2C: No… they’d beat us if we did…
Cameraman: Aww! How sad…
Guy 2C: Thankyou for your concern.
Cameraman: I’m being sarcastic! Haha! Lol you guys get beaten up buy alternate reality girls.
Guy 1G: Why do you think we’re evil?
Cameraman: I don’t know… because you’re gay?
Guy 2C: No! Because we’ve been abused by short blond women!
Guy 1G: Well he mainly has… a lot…
Outside where the other alternate guys are…
Guy 1H: Hey dude.
Guy 2D: Yeah?
Guy 1H: I wonder what kinds of fast food places this universe has?
Guy 2D: Yeah I wonder… yeah imagine how funny it’d be if there was lots of MacDonald’s!
Guy 1H: (Laughs) that would be a nightmare! Seriously if it ever became a successful chain of fast food outlets I’d just kill myself!
Guy 2D: (Laughs) Imagine if there were thousands of them all over the world!
Guy 1H: Now that would be impossible. MacDonald’s is terrible. No one would ever eat there.
Guy 2D: Well this is an alternate reality. Anything can happen.
Guy 1H: Yeah still don’t think MacDonald’s is successful in any universe… imagine all the fat people… it’d be like some kind of… obesity epidemic.
Guy 2D: Man I sure hope this universe isn’t like that… it’d be like… a universe full of fat idiots with no taste buds.
Guy 1H: Yeah tofu is so much better than hamburgers and chips.
Guy 2D: Oh definitely. No one disagrees with that!
Cameraman: Uh, hate to interrupt your talking but my cameraman sense is tingling.
Guy 1H: What is it cameraman? Is someone in trouble? Has someone fallen down a well?
Cameraman: Well they might but that’s not my problem. I sense there is an evil version of you plotting to take over the world… and get me into bed… you have to stop them!
Guy 1H: We can’t let them take over the world!
Cameraman: You can’t let them get near my pants!
Guy 2D: Yeah, yeah… the world is more important than you.
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D.
Guy 2D: OK! OK! We’ll save you! Just please don’t kick me! It really hurts!
Cameraman: Next time I’ll kick higher… and I don’t mean your stomach…
Guy 2D: Oh no! Not my face!
Cameraman: (Sarcastic) Yes… I am going to kick your face…
Guy 1H: OK can we go save the world now? I really couldn’t care less about where you kick him just as long as he helps me save the world.
Guy 2D: Oh that’s nice.
Guy 1H: Fine. Don’t help me take over the world. But that’ll just be five worlds I’ve saved and four that you’ve saved.
Guy 2D: I saved your mum. That counts as a world. After all she is as big as one.
Guy 1H: Cameraman…
Cameraman kicks Guy 2D in the legs.
Guy 1H: Thankyou.
Guy 3A: Hi guys.
Guy 3 waves.
Guy 1H: Bah! Where’d you come from!?
Guy 3A: Your mum. What’s it to you?
Guy 2D: We haven’t got time for this we have to save the world.
Guy 3A: Cool. Can I come?
Guy 2D: No.
Guy 3A: Aw! But I want to save the world!
Guy 2D: Have you got any experience in this field of work?
Guy 3A: Uh… no…
Guy 2D: Exactly.
The Guys except for Guy 3A walk away. They go to Guy 1’s house and open the door. They see their alternate selves.
Guy 1H: Whoa! Dude it’s me!
Guy 1G: Oh no! It’s me!
Guy 2D: Hey.
Guy 2C: Hey.
Guy 1H: You’ve got a moustache and therefore are evil!
Guy 1G: Oh that’s nearly as discriminate as a full-grown man against pink dresses.
Guy 1H: That’s… irrelevant… and just plain weird.
Guy 2C: So… you shave your face?
Guy 2D: Yeah… you?
Guy 2C: Oh no… have to maintain my evil look…
Guy 2D: Oh of course.
Guy 1H: So how are you planning to take over the world?
Guy 1G: Oh like I’d tell anyone other then myself and my partner over there…
Guy 1H: By partner you mean…?
Guy 1G: Partner in crime! What? You think you’re gay?
Guy 1H: Oh no! No way! Just wondering if you were just saying that because you were in some tennis tournament.
Guy 1G: Well actually…
Guy 2C: So yeah it’s unbelievable… he has to disagree with nearly everything I say. He’s a total moron.
Guy 2D: Yeah I know! Seriously remember that time he was searching for aliens?
Guy 2C: Aliens!? In my universe it was Big Foot!
Guy 2D: Ha! Now that is just stupid!
Guy 2C: I know… well looks like I'm going to have to over power the alternate him now. My friend will do the same to you seeing how we’re evil and all that.
Guy 2D: Oh OK. Hey wait! I’m supposed to stop you!
All four Guys get out their guns and start shooting at each other. Guy 2D gets shot and Guy 1G does as well.
Guy 1H: Oh no! You’ve been shot!
Guy 2C: Well I didn’t shoot him.
Guy 1H: Then who did?
Guy 3A: I did.
Everyone turns to the doorway and Guy 3A is standing there with a gun.
Guy 3A: I decided hey… why save the world? I’d rather destroy it!
Guy 2C: No you don’t destroy it you take it over! That way the girls survive!
Guy 3A: Nah I just too lazy to rule. Destroying everything besides my pet dog on the other hand… yeah I think I can do that.
Guy 1H: Wait… if there’s nothing left but your dog then…
Guy 3A: Silence!
Guy 3A shoots Guy 1H. Guy 1H falls to the ground and raises his hand.
Guy 1H: Then… what will you… eat?
Guy 1H dies. Guy 2C points his gun at Guy 3A.
Guy 2C: Oh yay he’s dead! Now I can take over the world and you won’t stop me!
Guy 3B: Think again!
Guy 3B shoots Guy 2C from behind and kills him.
Guy 3A: Good work alternate me!
Guy 3B: Thank you other alternative me!
Guy 3A: Now let’s destroy the world!
Guy 3B: Yeah!
To Be continued...
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 2
Part One Here
Guy 1A sits down on the couch next to Guy 2A and presses play on the remote.
Guy 2A: Hey…
Guy 1A: Yeah?
Guy 2A: You just killed yourself.
Guy 1A: Yeah I know…
Guy 2A: Oh… Isn’t that sorta weird?
Guy 1A: No.
Guy 2A: So are we going to clean up the body of your alternate self off the floor?
Camera shows Guy 1B lying on the floor dead.
Guy 1A: Later. I’m watching The Terminator.
Guy 2A: Yeah you’re right.
One Hour Later.
Guy 1A: Oh now I get it! The Terminator is a robot! Of course it’s so simple now!
Guy 2A: How many times have you seen this movie?
Guy 1A: At least five times.
There’s a knock at the door. Guy 2A gets up and answers it. Guy 1D is on the other side. He walks in uninvited.
Guy 1D: Hey why am I lying dead on the doorstep? (Pause) And on the floor over there? (Pause) and sitting alive on the couch over there?
Guy 1A: Oh not another one!
Guy 1D: Another what?
Guy 2A: Another you. Another him… What is going on!?
Guy 1D: Oh you mean the clones have got here already?
Guy 2A: You mean they’re clones and not visitors from another reality?
Guy 1D: Nah they are from another reality I just call them clones.
Guy 1A: OK enough talk I’m going to kill you now.
Guy 1A gets out a gun and shoots Guy 1D.
Guy 2A: Why’d you do that?
Guy 1E: Do what?
Guy 2A and 1A turn and there’s another Guy 1 in the doorway.
Guy 1A: This.
Guy 1A shoots Guy 1E.
Guy 2A: Seriously where did you pull that gun from?
Guy 1A: I have unlimited hammer space.
Guy 2B: Nah you’ve just got a fat butt.
Guy 2A turns to the door and there’s another one of him.
Guy 2A: Oh no now there’s one of me!
Guy 2B: Oh no! The mirror isn’t lying when it shows an ugly me! I really am ugly!
Guy 2A: Hey!
Guy 2A grabs the gun off Guy 1A and shoots his clone.
Guy 2A: We seriously need to find a way to stop these clones from appearing.
Guy 1F: I agree.
Guy 1A turns around and there’s yet another clone of him.
Guy 1A: How’d you get in here?
Guy 1F: Through the back door of course.
Guy 1A: Oh…
There’s a long pause as they look at each other. Eventually Guy 1A gets out a gun and tries shooting Guy 1F but has no more bullets left.
Guy 1A: Agh! No bullets!
Guy 1F: Ha ha! Nice one retard! You’re like the biggest loser of all time! Ha ha ha ha- wait…
Guy 1F looks around and sees that The Guys have already left.
Guy 1F: Unbelievable… I just ditched myself!
Meanwhile at Guy 1A’s house…
Guy 1A is peering out his window.
Guy 1A: I think we’re safe here… me from an alternate reality wouldn’t be caught dead in my own house…
Guy 2A: You do realise what you’re saying right?
Guy 1A: Nope.
Guy 1A turns around.
Guy 1A: Look out I’m behind you!
Guy 2A ducks and quickly turns around. Guy 1G is just standing there doing nothing.
Guy 1G: Hi.
Guy 2A: Agh! Agh!
Guy 1G: Agh! Agh!
Guy 1A: Oh no… it’s got… a moustache!
Guy 1G: Agh! Agh! Yeah I do. Like it?
Guy 1A: Actually yeah. I’ve always wanted a moustache. Hey don’t worry we don’t need to kill this one.
Guy 2A slowly lowers the wooden plank from above Guy 1G’s head and puts it behind his back. Guy 1G looks around and Guy 2A just whistles innocently. Guy 1G turns back to Guy 1A.
Guy 1G: Well I’m glad you think that way…
Guy 2A: Hey if you’re from an alternate reality do you have the same name as him?
Guy 1G: I don’t know. I don’t even know my own name.
Guy 1A: Wow. Then what does everyone call you?
Guy 1G: Same thing they call you.
Guy 1A: Oh… yeah of course. So… why have you got a moustache?
Guy 1G whips out a gun and shoots Guy 1A in the arm and Guy 2A in the chest. He walks over to Guy 1A and points the gun at him.
Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha! Don’t you know that clones from an alternate reality with moustaches are always evil?
Guy 1A: Oh yeah… why did I forget that?
Guy 1G: Because you are the biggest idiot of all time! Mwahahahaha!
Guy 1A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Guy 1G: Why are you laughing?
Guy 1A: You called yourself and idiot.
Guy 1G: No I… wait… oh… Grr!
Guy 1 starts laughing but is silenced by Guy 1G shooting him. Guy 2C, who also has a moustache, walks up to Guy 1G.
Guy 2C: Good work. Now we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!
Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha!
Guy 2C: So what now?
Guy 1G: I don’t know it was your plan.
Guy 1A sits down on the couch next to Guy 2A and presses play on the remote.
Guy 2A: Hey…
Guy 1A: Yeah?
Guy 2A: You just killed yourself.
Guy 1A: Yeah I know…
Guy 2A: Oh… Isn’t that sorta weird?
Guy 1A: No.
Guy 2A: So are we going to clean up the body of your alternate self off the floor?
Camera shows Guy 1B lying on the floor dead.
Guy 1A: Later. I’m watching The Terminator.
Guy 2A: Yeah you’re right.
One Hour Later.
Guy 1A: Oh now I get it! The Terminator is a robot! Of course it’s so simple now!
Guy 2A: How many times have you seen this movie?
Guy 1A: At least five times.
There’s a knock at the door. Guy 2A gets up and answers it. Guy 1D is on the other side. He walks in uninvited.
Guy 1D: Hey why am I lying dead on the doorstep? (Pause) And on the floor over there? (Pause) and sitting alive on the couch over there?
Guy 1A: Oh not another one!
Guy 1D: Another what?
Guy 2A: Another you. Another him… What is going on!?
Guy 1D: Oh you mean the clones have got here already?
Guy 2A: You mean they’re clones and not visitors from another reality?
Guy 1D: Nah they are from another reality I just call them clones.
Guy 1A: OK enough talk I’m going to kill you now.
Guy 1A gets out a gun and shoots Guy 1D.
Guy 2A: Why’d you do that?
Guy 1E: Do what?
Guy 2A and 1A turn and there’s another Guy 1 in the doorway.
Guy 1A: This.
Guy 1A shoots Guy 1E.
Guy 2A: Seriously where did you pull that gun from?
Guy 1A: I have unlimited hammer space.
Guy 2B: Nah you’ve just got a fat butt.
Guy 2A turns to the door and there’s another one of him.
Guy 2A: Oh no now there’s one of me!
Guy 2B: Oh no! The mirror isn’t lying when it shows an ugly me! I really am ugly!
Guy 2A: Hey!
Guy 2A grabs the gun off Guy 1A and shoots his clone.
Guy 2A: We seriously need to find a way to stop these clones from appearing.
Guy 1F: I agree.
Guy 1A turns around and there’s yet another clone of him.
Guy 1A: How’d you get in here?
Guy 1F: Through the back door of course.
Guy 1A: Oh…
There’s a long pause as they look at each other. Eventually Guy 1A gets out a gun and tries shooting Guy 1F but has no more bullets left.
Guy 1A: Agh! No bullets!
Guy 1F: Ha ha! Nice one retard! You’re like the biggest loser of all time! Ha ha ha ha- wait…
Guy 1F looks around and sees that The Guys have already left.
Guy 1F: Unbelievable… I just ditched myself!
Meanwhile at Guy 1A’s house…
Guy 1A is peering out his window.
Guy 1A: I think we’re safe here… me from an alternate reality wouldn’t be caught dead in my own house…
Guy 2A: You do realise what you’re saying right?
Guy 1A: Nope.
Guy 1A turns around.
Guy 1A: Look out I’m behind you!
Guy 2A ducks and quickly turns around. Guy 1G is just standing there doing nothing.
Guy 1G: Hi.
Guy 2A: Agh! Agh!
Guy 1G: Agh! Agh!
Guy 1A: Oh no… it’s got… a moustache!
Guy 1G: Agh! Agh! Yeah I do. Like it?
Guy 1A: Actually yeah. I’ve always wanted a moustache. Hey don’t worry we don’t need to kill this one.
Guy 2A slowly lowers the wooden plank from above Guy 1G’s head and puts it behind his back. Guy 1G looks around and Guy 2A just whistles innocently. Guy 1G turns back to Guy 1A.
Guy 1G: Well I’m glad you think that way…
Guy 2A: Hey if you’re from an alternate reality do you have the same name as him?
Guy 1G: I don’t know. I don’t even know my own name.
Guy 1A: Wow. Then what does everyone call you?
Guy 1G: Same thing they call you.
Guy 1A: Oh… yeah of course. So… why have you got a moustache?
Guy 1G whips out a gun and shoots Guy 1A in the arm and Guy 2A in the chest. He walks over to Guy 1A and points the gun at him.
Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha! Don’t you know that clones from an alternate reality with moustaches are always evil?
Guy 1A: Oh yeah… why did I forget that?
Guy 1G: Because you are the biggest idiot of all time! Mwahahahaha!
Guy 1A: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Guy 1G: Why are you laughing?
Guy 1A: You called yourself and idiot.
Guy 1G: No I… wait… oh… Grr!
Guy 1 starts laughing but is silenced by Guy 1G shooting him. Guy 2C, who also has a moustache, walks up to Guy 1G.
Guy 2C: Good work. Now we can take over the world! Mwahahahaha!
Guy 1G: Mwahahahaha!
Guy 2C: So what now?
Guy 1G: I don’t know it was your plan.
To be continued...
Sunday, May 24, 2009
The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1
Sorry for putting The Holiday on hold (don't worry it shall be resolved!) but I've got exams for the next two weeks and have written anything in a while so I guess the hungry masses are starving for entertainment and so I must supply you with something. It's not second rate (well actually it is but I'm lying to you to make you think it's better than it really is) but it does get slightly confusing and delves more into the weird universe of Bilby where the 4th wall is occasionally broken and Cameraman talks more. (But not in this one though) I also wrote it two years ago so keep than in mind. The Visitor From an Alternate Reality Prt 1 everyone! Love it dammit! LOVE IT!
Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.
Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?
Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.
Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…
Guy 2 turns around.
Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!
Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.
Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.
Guy 2: No you’re not!
Guy 1A: Just let me in!
Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.
Guy 1A: Hello.
Guy 1B: Whoa!
Guy 1A: What are you doing here?
Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?
Guy 1A: I asked you first.
Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.
Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…
Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…
Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?
Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-
Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!
Pause.
Guy 2: OK. So now what?
Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…
Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.
Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.
Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…
Guy 1B: I am you!
Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.
Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!
Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!
Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)
While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.
Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.
Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…
Guy 1A: How many of me are there?
Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…
Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…
Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.
Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!
Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.
Guy 1A knocks on the door of Guy 2’s house. Guy 2 gets off the couch, where Guy 1B is sitting, and opens the door.
Guy 2: Hey when did you go outside?
Guy 1A: What are you on about I just got here.
Guy 2: Then if you’re out here then…
Guy 2 turns around.
Guy 2: Hey! You’re standing outside!
Cut to: Guy 1B on couch.
Guy 1B: No I’m not. I’m on the couch watching The Terminator!
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1A outside then back behind him.
Guy 2: No you’re not!
Guy 1A: Just let me in!
Guy 1A barges inside and looks into the lounge room where he finds himself on the couch.
Guy 1A: Hello.
Guy 1B: Whoa!
Guy 1A: What are you doing here?
Guy 1B: No what are you doing here?
Guy 1A: I asked you first.
Guy 1B: Technically I am you so in a way I asked you first.
Guy 1A: Then… that means… so…. Cheese…
Guy 1B: Oh man you sound like such a moron… wait you are me…
Guy 2: Uh… what’s going on here?
Guy 1A: Well it looks like this version of me-
Guy 1B: -Is from an alternate reality!
Pause.
Guy 2: OK. So now what?
Guy 1B: Well we could try and figure how out how this is possible…
Guy 2: Nah that’s too hard let’s just watch The Terminator.
Guy 2 sits down next to Guy 1B.
Guy 1A: I’m not going to watch The Terminator with my clone sitting next to me! It’s like… having the Terminator sitting next to you! He could kill me at any second…
Guy 1B: I am you!
Guy 2: Yeah but you are a total emo.
Guy 1A and B: I am not emo! Shut up you! Stop saying everything I’m saying at the same time!
Guy 1A: I’m a big stupid retard!
Guy 1B: Suck! You called yourself a retard! (Laughs)
While Guy 1B is laughing Guy 1A takes out a gun and shoots Guy 1B repeatedly.
Guy 1A: Guess the alternate me isn’t smart enough to realise I always carry my gun with me…
There’s a knock at the door and Guy 1A answers it. On the other side is Guy 1C. He is panting and leaning on the wall.
Guy 1C: Help… me… The me from an… alternate reality… has come to get me… he’s my evil… twin… (Pause) apparently…
Guy 1A: How many of me are there?
Guy 1C: At least… twenty-two…
Guy 1A: OK just wait here a second…
Guy 1C waits patiently by the door for Guy 1A. All of a sudden he gets hit on the head by a 2 by 4 piece of wood. He collapses on the floor and Guy 1A steps out of the door and starts beating up his out of screen double. He stops and straightens up again.
Guy 1A: Its twenty-one now!
Guy 1A spits on the ground where his clone’s dead body is.
To be continued...
Saturday, May 2, 2009
The Holiday Prt 5.
Part 1 Here:
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
Part 4 Here:
Sally had the most wonderful wavy peach blonde hair that flowed down onto her lightly tanned shoulders that were clearly visible. Her light-green tank top was tight against her body showing off her exquisite curves.
Cameraman: Oh you can so tell a man wrote that…
Guy 1 and 2: Go away! You’re not in this story!
They go back to staring at her soft, feminine shoulders.
Sally: Hey are you listening to me?
Guy 1: No.
Sally laughs.
Sally: Yeah you are you answered my question! You silly goose you.
Guy 1: Yeah… silly.
Guy 1 blinks several times and shakes his head.
Guy 1: Yes! I’m a goose!
Sally laughs again.
Sally: You’re so funny! Haha you’re going to make me laugh so much we crash and die!
Guy 2: Can you make sure only he dies and we get out alive?
Sally: Haha! Oh you.
Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m starting to like this holiday now.
Guy 1: That’s nice. You can leave now.
Sally: So where are you guys from?
Guy 1 and 2: Australia!
Guy 2: Yeah I wrestle crocs for a living.
Guy 1: Yeah well… I wrestle him for a living!
Guy 2: What?
Sally: Wow. Well G’day mate!
Guy 2: No one says that.
Guy 1: G’day!
Sally: Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Guy 2: We call them prawns.
Guy 1: And he wrestles them for a living!
Sally: I’d love to see that!
Guy 2: Well I’ll give you a special private show if you want me to.
Sally: No way! I need to bring the girls around.
Guy 2: OK! I like where this is going.
Sally: To see you and your shrimp.
Guy 1 cracks up laughing. Guy 2 punches him on the shoulder but he keeps laughing.
Sally: Hey I’ve been driving for hours do you mind if we pull over so I can stretch my legs?
Guy 1: No I don’t mind your legs at all.
Sally: Haha that’s not quite what I meant but thank you anyway.
Sally pulls over and gets out. Guy 1 and 2 also get out. Sally stretches and looks at the sky.
Sally: The sky is so beautiful out here… I could just stare at it for days on end.
Long pause. Guy 1 looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs then looks back at Sally. Long pause.
Guy 1: But you’re not going to… right?
Sally: No of course not! Mmmmaybe tomorrow though. Want to join me?
Guy 2: Sure!
Sally: I was asking him.
Guy 2: Oh.
Guy 1: Yeah OK.
Guy 1 looks at Guy 2 smugly. Guy 2 looks back with a look of disdain.
Sally: OK well we’d better get going again.
Guy 1 and 2 turn to get back into the car, but Sally rushes over so she’s in front of them.
Sally: But first you must fight me! Hiyah!
Sally pretends to punch both of them before kicking the air.
Sally: Haha I’m just kidding come on let’s go.
Guy 1 relaxes from his defensive stance. They all get into the car and continue their drive towards Charleston.
Sally: So what are you doing here in America?
Guy 2: This idiot decided to click on a bunch of banner ads and infected my computer with viruses after he borrowed money from a loan shark in my name and so if we don’t go on this holiday and somehow find a bunch of money then I’m going to have my legs broken. So you know… it’s all his fault.
Sally: Oh don’t be so harsh on the poor guy! He got you a lovely holiday in a beautiful country to a darling place that no one ever goes to.
Guy 2: No one ever goes to Charleston?
Sally: Bahahaha! Except us of course.
Guy 2: What’s actually in Charleston?
Sally: Trees. And houses.
Guy 2: Uh huh…
Sally: We’ve also got a courthouse! You like justice right?
Guy 1: Oh my gosh! I love justice!
Sally and Guy 1: Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free! Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s there to protect me! Justice is good, never ever ever wrong, ever feel down, sing the justice song! Because we’re defending civil rights yeah! Defending civil rights. Gotta love those rights ‘cause they help our civil plights. Break it down!
Guy 1 points to Guy 2. Guy 2 just sits there.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Awww! Don’t you know the Justice Song?
Guy 2: Um… no.
Sally: Sigh!
Guy 1: Sigh indeed.
Guy 2: Where would I get a hold of the Justice Song?
Sally: I don’t know. You either just know the song or you don’t.
Guy 1: Yeah you social reject.
Guy 2: OK list how many friends you have then…
Guy 1: Um… you… cameraman… uh… Sally! Sally’s my friend right aren’t you Sally?
Sally: I sure am! You’re my Justice Buddy!
Guy 1: Yes! I finally have a Justice Buddy! Oh yeah and Steve.
Guy 2: Steve?
Guy 1: Yeah Steve. You know… he’s got hair… on his head. Eyeballs? Nose? Is any of this ringing a bell?
Guy 2: Oh so he’s… a mammal then?
Guy 1: Yeah! He’s a mammal.
Sally: Yay for mammalia! Hey well we’re nearly at Charleston. Do you guys know where you’re staying?
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Um… oh. Oh! Yes, Queen Anne’s on 7th Street Bed and Breakfast!
Guy 1 looked very proud of himself.
Guy 2: It sounds nice.
Sally: To 7th Street then!
Guy 1: Hoorah!
They continue to drive onwards. They arrive at Charleston and Guy 1 and 2 stare out the windows taking it all in, the trees and buildings, the teenagers walking along laughing, the strange old hunch-backed lady pointing directly at the car with a sneer on her face, all of it. Guy 1 realised his nose had been pushed up against the glass which explained why he couldn’t breathe properly. He moved slightly away from the windowpane and realised he had left a mark that looked like a demented face on the glass. He tried to rub it off but it refused to be cleaned away. The car stops.
Sally: Um…
Guy 1: What?
Guy 1 and 2 turn to look at what Sally had stopped in front of. It was the Queen Anne’s on 7th Street. It was on fire.
Guy 1: Agh!
Sally: Agh indeed!
Man on Fire: AAAGGHHHHH!!!
The man ran into the front of the car, screamed at the windscreen, ran to the side of the car and looked in before screaming again. He then went around the car and screamed at the other window. He then ran around in a circle before running off.
Guy 1: I wonder what his problem was.
Guy 2: What are we going to do now? This is so unfair on us!
The man on fire returned to scream and Guy 2 before running off again.
Guy 2: My thoughts exactly! Urgh… what are we going to do now?
Sally: Well perhaps calling the fire brigade would be a good plan.
Guy 2: Nah, someone else has probably done that already.
Cut to: Local fire station.
Man on Fire runs up to a bunch of fire-fighters who are sitting around.
Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!
Fire-fighter: That man is on fire! What is it man on fire? Where’s the fire?
The Man on Fire points.
Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!
Fire-fighter: Let’s go!
The fire-fighters all rush into their trucks and drive off towards the fire. The Man on Fire looks around and sees no one. He looks down at his still flaming arms.
Man on Fire: Agh? Agh…
Cut to: Sally’s car.
Guy 2: So what now?
Sally: Have you got like, a back up place to stay?
Guy 1: No. Not really…
Sally: Oh.
Guy 2: Great.
Sally: Well you could always stay at my place if you want.
Guy 1 and 2 paused for a moment. There was an almost audible click as the clogs in their brain suddenly came together and realised what had just been offered to them. Their smiles got larger than they ever thought they could and they suddenly started wondering about the size of things…
Guy 1 and 2: YES! YES! OK! SURE!
Guy 1: We’d love to!
Guy 2: That’d be great!
Guy 1: Thank you thank you thank you!
Guy 2: You’re so awesome!
Guy 1: Yay for Sally!
Guy 2: Yay indeed!
Guy 1: Have my babies!
Sally: Hahaha! Wait- what?
Guy 1: Um… you know… being a parent is quite hard so if you could just… take my babies away from me… forever… that’d be greatly appreciated.
Sally: You’re a father?
Guy 1: Haha no. No I’m not.
Sally: I didn’t think so.
Guy 1: Awww you got me! Awww.
Sally: Aww! Oh well! Well OK guys we’re going to my house!
Guy 1 starts celebrating in the back of the car.
Guy 1: YES! YES! YEAH! WOOOOO!!! HELL YEAH! HOUSE! HOUSE! HOUSE!
Sally: Whoa! You’re a bit of a loud fella aren’t you?
Guy 1: What? Oh… so that wasn’t inside my head then?
Sally slowly shakes her head.
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 1 hangs his head, embarrassed.
Guy 1: (Quietly) Yes. Woo. Awesome. Yeah…
Guy 2: Still not in your head.
Guy 1: Shut up!
Ten minutes later they arrive at Sally’s house. It looked similar to the rest of the suburban homes around it. A teenager, probably 16 or 17 years of age, steps out of the house and hugs Sally.
Sally: Hey guys, meet my younger brother, Gary.
Guy 1: Hello.
Guy 2: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: Excuse me?
Sally: Oh he’s mute. He communicates in a series of clicks.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally: That means hello.
Guy 2: (click) (click)
Sally: No don’t do that. He’s not deaf so finds people clicking at him mockery.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: That was “yes” right?
Sally: No. Think four letters. OK, well Gary can take your lugg- Wait.
Guy 2: What? Oh…
Sally: Did you guys actually… bring anything?
Guy 2: Oh great!
Guy 1: What? What? What’s going on? I’m quite oblivious to your cause of distress!
Guy 2: We forgot our luggage! We left it on the bus!
Guy 1: Oh… aw dammit! And I had some important stuff!
Guy 2: Such as?
Guy 1: Not telling you. It’s personal.
Cut to: Side of the road. The passengers of the bus sit opposite the burning wreckage.
Black Man: OK I’ve recovered what I can from the luggage on board…
He looked at the tag attached to the suitcase he was holding.
“Please do not steal this - xo.”
Black Man: Hey who doesn’t want me to steal their luggage?
Everyone puts their hand up slowly and slightly confused.
Man: Well it’d be best if you um… didn’t?
Black Man: No there’s a note… oh never mind.
He opens up the case and sees a bunch of Pokemon plush toys.
Black Man: Who here likes Mudkips?
Man: Oh for crying out loud. Let it die! That is an overused internet meme!
Black Man: No I meant… this doll… here.
Cut to: Sally’s house.
Guy 1: Well do you think we can go back?
Guy 2: They were probably all destroyed in the explosion.
Guy 1: Dammit!
Sally: Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Gary won’t mind lending you some clothes and you can always just buy a few new clothes from the local store here. It’ll be very touristy! Come on! I’ll help you shop!
Guy 1: Really? That’d be awesome.
Sally: Oh a guy actually enthusiastic about shopping. I like that.
Guy 1: Hehe…
Guy 2: Dude… are you blushing?
Guy 1: (Defensively) No! Stop looking at me!
Guy 1 covers his face with his hands. Sally laughs.
Sally: Come on inside I’ll show you around.
She leads them up the stairs and opens the door. Guy 2 walks in first then, Guy 1, who is still covering his face, walks into the wall right next to the door. Sally laughs.
Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!
To Be Continued…
Part 2 Here:
Part 3 Here:
Part 4 Here:
Sally had the most wonderful wavy peach blonde hair that flowed down onto her lightly tanned shoulders that were clearly visible. Her light-green tank top was tight against her body showing off her exquisite curves.
Cameraman: Oh you can so tell a man wrote that…
Guy 1 and 2: Go away! You’re not in this story!
They go back to staring at her soft, feminine shoulders.
Sally: Hey are you listening to me?
Guy 1: No.
Sally laughs.
Sally: Yeah you are you answered my question! You silly goose you.
Guy 1: Yeah… silly.
Guy 1 blinks several times and shakes his head.
Guy 1: Yes! I’m a goose!
Sally laughs again.
Sally: You’re so funny! Haha you’re going to make me laugh so much we crash and die!
Guy 2: Can you make sure only he dies and we get out alive?
Sally: Haha! Oh you.
Guy 2: (To Guy 1) I’m starting to like this holiday now.
Guy 1: That’s nice. You can leave now.
Sally: So where are you guys from?
Guy 1 and 2: Australia!
Guy 2: Yeah I wrestle crocs for a living.
Guy 1: Yeah well… I wrestle him for a living!
Guy 2: What?
Sally: Wow. Well G’day mate!
Guy 2: No one says that.
Guy 1: G’day!
Sally: Throw another shrimp on the barbie.
Guy 2: We call them prawns.
Guy 1: And he wrestles them for a living!
Sally: I’d love to see that!
Guy 2: Well I’ll give you a special private show if you want me to.
Sally: No way! I need to bring the girls around.
Guy 2: OK! I like where this is going.
Sally: To see you and your shrimp.
Guy 1 cracks up laughing. Guy 2 punches him on the shoulder but he keeps laughing.
Sally: Hey I’ve been driving for hours do you mind if we pull over so I can stretch my legs?
Guy 1: No I don’t mind your legs at all.
Sally: Haha that’s not quite what I meant but thank you anyway.
Sally pulls over and gets out. Guy 1 and 2 also get out. Sally stretches and looks at the sky.
Sally: The sky is so beautiful out here… I could just stare at it for days on end.
Long pause. Guy 1 looks at Guy 2. Guy 2 shrugs then looks back at Sally. Long pause.
Guy 1: But you’re not going to… right?
Sally: No of course not! Mmmmaybe tomorrow though. Want to join me?
Guy 2: Sure!
Sally: I was asking him.
Guy 2: Oh.
Guy 1: Yeah OK.
Guy 1 looks at Guy 2 smugly. Guy 2 looks back with a look of disdain.
Sally: OK well we’d better get going again.
Guy 1 and 2 turn to get back into the car, but Sally rushes over so she’s in front of them.
Sally: But first you must fight me! Hiyah!
Sally pretends to punch both of them before kicking the air.
Sally: Haha I’m just kidding come on let’s go.
Guy 1 relaxes from his defensive stance. They all get into the car and continue their drive towards Charleston.
Sally: So what are you doing here in America?
Guy 2: This idiot decided to click on a bunch of banner ads and infected my computer with viruses after he borrowed money from a loan shark in my name and so if we don’t go on this holiday and somehow find a bunch of money then I’m going to have my legs broken. So you know… it’s all his fault.
Sally: Oh don’t be so harsh on the poor guy! He got you a lovely holiday in a beautiful country to a darling place that no one ever goes to.
Guy 2: No one ever goes to Charleston?
Sally: Bahahaha! Except us of course.
Guy 2: What’s actually in Charleston?
Sally: Trees. And houses.
Guy 2: Uh huh…
Sally: We’ve also got a courthouse! You like justice right?
Guy 1: Oh my gosh! I love justice!
Sally and Guy 1: Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s so gooooood and free! Justice! Justice! Justice! It’s there to protect me! Justice is good, never ever ever wrong, ever feel down, sing the justice song! Because we’re defending civil rights yeah! Defending civil rights. Gotta love those rights ‘cause they help our civil plights. Break it down!
Guy 1 points to Guy 2. Guy 2 just sits there.
Guy 2: Huh?
Guy 1: Awww! Don’t you know the Justice Song?
Guy 2: Um… no.
Sally: Sigh!
Guy 1: Sigh indeed.
Guy 2: Where would I get a hold of the Justice Song?
Sally: I don’t know. You either just know the song or you don’t.
Guy 1: Yeah you social reject.
Guy 2: OK list how many friends you have then…
Guy 1: Um… you… cameraman… uh… Sally! Sally’s my friend right aren’t you Sally?
Sally: I sure am! You’re my Justice Buddy!
Guy 1: Yes! I finally have a Justice Buddy! Oh yeah and Steve.
Guy 2: Steve?
Guy 1: Yeah Steve. You know… he’s got hair… on his head. Eyeballs? Nose? Is any of this ringing a bell?
Guy 2: Oh so he’s… a mammal then?
Guy 1: Yeah! He’s a mammal.
Sally: Yay for mammalia! Hey well we’re nearly at Charleston. Do you guys know where you’re staying?
Guy 2 looks at Guy 1.
Guy 1: Um… oh. Oh! Yes, Queen Anne’s on 7th Street Bed and Breakfast!
Guy 1 looked very proud of himself.
Guy 2: It sounds nice.
Sally: To 7th Street then!
Guy 1: Hoorah!
They continue to drive onwards. They arrive at Charleston and Guy 1 and 2 stare out the windows taking it all in, the trees and buildings, the teenagers walking along laughing, the strange old hunch-backed lady pointing directly at the car with a sneer on her face, all of it. Guy 1 realised his nose had been pushed up against the glass which explained why he couldn’t breathe properly. He moved slightly away from the windowpane and realised he had left a mark that looked like a demented face on the glass. He tried to rub it off but it refused to be cleaned away. The car stops.
Sally: Um…
Guy 1: What?
Guy 1 and 2 turn to look at what Sally had stopped in front of. It was the Queen Anne’s on 7th Street. It was on fire.
Guy 1: Agh!
Sally: Agh indeed!
Man on Fire: AAAGGHHHHH!!!
The man ran into the front of the car, screamed at the windscreen, ran to the side of the car and looked in before screaming again. He then went around the car and screamed at the other window. He then ran around in a circle before running off.
Guy 1: I wonder what his problem was.
Guy 2: What are we going to do now? This is so unfair on us!
The man on fire returned to scream and Guy 2 before running off again.
Guy 2: My thoughts exactly! Urgh… what are we going to do now?
Sally: Well perhaps calling the fire brigade would be a good plan.
Guy 2: Nah, someone else has probably done that already.
Cut to: Local fire station.
Man on Fire runs up to a bunch of fire-fighters who are sitting around.
Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!
Fire-fighter: That man is on fire! What is it man on fire? Where’s the fire?
The Man on Fire points.
Man on Fire: Agh! Agh! Agh!
Fire-fighter: Let’s go!
The fire-fighters all rush into their trucks and drive off towards the fire. The Man on Fire looks around and sees no one. He looks down at his still flaming arms.
Man on Fire: Agh? Agh…
Cut to: Sally’s car.
Guy 2: So what now?
Sally: Have you got like, a back up place to stay?
Guy 1: No. Not really…
Sally: Oh.
Guy 2: Great.
Sally: Well you could always stay at my place if you want.
Guy 1 and 2 paused for a moment. There was an almost audible click as the clogs in their brain suddenly came together and realised what had just been offered to them. Their smiles got larger than they ever thought they could and they suddenly started wondering about the size of things…
Guy 1 and 2: YES! YES! OK! SURE!
Guy 1: We’d love to!
Guy 2: That’d be great!
Guy 1: Thank you thank you thank you!
Guy 2: You’re so awesome!
Guy 1: Yay for Sally!
Guy 2: Yay indeed!
Guy 1: Have my babies!
Sally: Hahaha! Wait- what?
Guy 1: Um… you know… being a parent is quite hard so if you could just… take my babies away from me… forever… that’d be greatly appreciated.
Sally: You’re a father?
Guy 1: Haha no. No I’m not.
Sally: I didn’t think so.
Guy 1: Awww you got me! Awww.
Sally: Aww! Oh well! Well OK guys we’re going to my house!
Guy 1 starts celebrating in the back of the car.
Guy 1: YES! YES! YEAH! WOOOOO!!! HELL YEAH! HOUSE! HOUSE! HOUSE!
Sally: Whoa! You’re a bit of a loud fella aren’t you?
Guy 1: What? Oh… so that wasn’t inside my head then?
Sally slowly shakes her head.
Guy 1: Oh…
Guy 1 hangs his head, embarrassed.
Guy 1: (Quietly) Yes. Woo. Awesome. Yeah…
Guy 2: Still not in your head.
Guy 1: Shut up!
Ten minutes later they arrive at Sally’s house. It looked similar to the rest of the suburban homes around it. A teenager, probably 16 or 17 years of age, steps out of the house and hugs Sally.
Sally: Hey guys, meet my younger brother, Gary.
Guy 1: Hello.
Guy 2: Hey.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: Excuse me?
Sally: Oh he’s mute. He communicates in a series of clicks.
Gary: (click) (click)
Sally: That means hello.
Guy 2: (click) (click)
Sally: No don’t do that. He’s not deaf so finds people clicking at him mockery.
Gary: (click)
Guy 2: That was “yes” right?
Sally: No. Think four letters. OK, well Gary can take your lugg- Wait.
Guy 2: What? Oh…
Sally: Did you guys actually… bring anything?
Guy 2: Oh great!
Guy 1: What? What? What’s going on? I’m quite oblivious to your cause of distress!
Guy 2: We forgot our luggage! We left it on the bus!
Guy 1: Oh… aw dammit! And I had some important stuff!
Guy 2: Such as?
Guy 1: Not telling you. It’s personal.
Cut to: Side of the road. The passengers of the bus sit opposite the burning wreckage.
Black Man: OK I’ve recovered what I can from the luggage on board…
He looked at the tag attached to the suitcase he was holding.
“Please do not steal this - xo.”
Black Man: Hey who doesn’t want me to steal their luggage?
Everyone puts their hand up slowly and slightly confused.
Man: Well it’d be best if you um… didn’t?
Black Man: No there’s a note… oh never mind.
He opens up the case and sees a bunch of Pokemon plush toys.
Black Man: Who here likes Mudkips?
Man: Oh for crying out loud. Let it die! That is an overused internet meme!
Black Man: No I meant… this doll… here.
Cut to: Sally’s house.
Guy 1: Well do you think we can go back?
Guy 2: They were probably all destroyed in the explosion.
Guy 1: Dammit!
Sally: Don’t worry guys, I’m sure Gary won’t mind lending you some clothes and you can always just buy a few new clothes from the local store here. It’ll be very touristy! Come on! I’ll help you shop!
Guy 1: Really? That’d be awesome.
Sally: Oh a guy actually enthusiastic about shopping. I like that.
Guy 1: Hehe…
Guy 2: Dude… are you blushing?
Guy 1: (Defensively) No! Stop looking at me!
Guy 1 covers his face with his hands. Sally laughs.
Sally: Come on inside I’ll show you around.
She leads them up the stairs and opens the door. Guy 2 walks in first then, Guy 1, who is still covering his face, walks into the wall right next to the door. Sally laughs.
Sally: Welcome to my humble abode!
To Be Continued…
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